Chapter 38

CPOV

"I'll pick you up at 2 to go see Dr. Anderson, OK?" I tell Ana. I'm nervous about her going back to work even though I know she likes it. I worry she is not able to handle the stress. Ana's doing a lot better since she has come back from Costa Colina, but I don't want to add to her pressure anymore. I pray that we didn't make a mistake by having Ana come home early; it was her idea. Hopefully, Dr. Anderson can shed some light on it and help us communicate with each other better.

We are sitting in the elegantly decorated office of Dr. Anderson. I look over at Ana who is in the chair next to me. She caught some sun in Catalina, and it makes her eyes look bluer if that's possible.

"Good afternoon Christian and Ana, it's a pleasure to meet you. Dr. Flynn referred the both of you to me because I am neutral to both of you. That way, you can be honest without feeling judged in any way or that either of you have an advantage somehow." She looks a lot younger than she is. I had Welch look into her background, of course. She graduated at the top of her class at Johns Hopkins and had her residency at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. Even at a young age, she was considered a pioneer in her field. I feel comfortable with her abilities.

"I'll start with Anastasia if that's OK with you." We both nod in agreement at her. "Anastasia, how are you feeling?"

"Call me Ana, please. I feel OK." Ana sits there quietly sipping a cup of tea. Dr. Anderson has done her homework as well because she had Ana's favorite brand here just for her.

Dr. Anderson smiles at Ana kindly. "Ana, I want to assure you this is a safe place without blame or judgment. So, how are you truly feeling?" The doctor's voice is soothing and calm.

Ana pauses for a second like she is thinking about what to say. "Scared. I'm scared." Ana's voice falters at the end of her statement. Automatically, I try to comfort Ana and take her hand in mine.

"Tell me, why are you scared, Ana?"

Ana starts to cry, and the doctor passes her a box of tissues. I notice they aren't the cheap ones that most offices provide but the more expensive ones with lotion. "I'm scared Christian is going to realize I'm a terrible wife and not want to be married to me anymore."

I'm shocked. I had no idea she still felt this way. "Oh, baby, no." I try to reassure her. Dr. Anderson gives me a look letting me know she wants Ana to continue, so I quietly sit back. My mind is reeling at Ana's statement. Why would she ever feel that way?

"Why do you feel you are a terrible wife?" The doctor probes.

Ana breathes loudly trying to catch her breath from crying. "Because ever since we met all Christian wanted to do was take care of me, and I wouldn't let him. I resisted it, and then I failed at being able to give him a family when it means so much to him." She begins to sob.

"Ana, do you want to take a moment?" she asks her.

"Yes, please. I have to use to restroom." Ana gets up from her seat.

"Absolutely, it's two doors down on the right. Take as much time as you need." the doctor instructs her.

Ana quietly leaves and shuts the door behind her. "Doctor, I don't understand why Anastasia would feel this way. I have always told her I will always be with her and she is all that matters to me." I explain to the doctor my confusion.

"Christian, a lot of the time, these feelings of inadequacy have nothing to do with the current relationship but are deep-seated from something that occurred in their past. So while you have told Ana how you feel, she will always be scared about that. It's like people who are afraid to walk over subway grates on the sidewalk. The chances they will fall through are minuscule. However, they still get nervous when they approach one, even when they know chances are they will be perfectly fine to walk on it. Do you understand?"

"I do, but how do I get her to stop that fear?" I desperately ask.

She smiles at me sympathetically, "That's what we're here to find out." The office door opens slowly, and Ana walks back in. She's stopped crying, and her makeup has been washed off.

"Ana, are you all right to continue?" the doctor asks.

Ana nods, "yes, thank you."

"When you think about being a failure as a wife, what pictures to you get in your mind?" I'm not sure if I like this line of questioning, I don't want Ana to get more upset. But, I bite my tongue and trust the doctor knows what she is doing. Still, it's incredibly hard to see my wife upset and not able to do anything about it.

"I imagine Christian leaving me to marry someone beautiful who he has more in common with, and they have many beautiful children. I'd be alone with no one." I can't refrain, and I gently squeeze her hand.

"So, your biggest fear is Christian falling out of love with you and leaving?" The doctor clarifies.

Anastasia makes a tiny squeak as she begins to cry once more, and just nods her answer. I feel like my heart is breaking. I hate the thought that I am the reason she is so upset.

"Let me ask you when you envision people in a happy and loving marriage, who do you think of?" Dr. Anderson asks Ana.

"Um, I don't know. I guess maybe Christian's parents or Elliot and Kate?"

"You sound unsure. Is there anyone from when you were younger you can think of?" Ana shakes her head. "What about your mother?"

Ana laughs a little bit, "No, definitely not. She was happy with her last husband, Bob, but he passed away."

"And your stepfather, Ray?"

"He never remarried or even dated after my mom. He just took care of me I guess."

"And your grandparents?"

"I never knew them." The doctor looks over at me letting me know our discussion while Ana was out of the room was spot on.

"Anastasia, now I want to establish something and ask some questions of Christian. You don't have to respond, just listen and take them in, OK?" Ana nods in response.

"Christian, since you've met Ana, how has she changed you?" the doctor looks at me now for my answer.

"How has she changed me? I think anyone can attest she has made me a better man. She showed me what love is."

"Do you trust her?"

"I trust her with my entire being. I trust her with my life. There isn't anyone I trust more than Anastasia." Ana looks at me and gives me a little smile.

"Does she have ambition?"

I laugh at the answer. "Most definitely. I don't even know how many times I told Anastasia that she doesn't need to work. But she says she likes it and wants to do a good job."

"Is she selfless? Does she care about others?"

This time I laugh a little harder. "Ana cares so much about other people that she puts them in front of her - sometimes to her detriment. She is the most caring person I know."

"Tell me what were the first things about Ana that made you interested in her as a partner?"

"Look at her; she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I still don't understand how she doesn't see that. She's quite intelligent, and she isn't afraid to challenge me. She asks me and tells me things everyone else is afraid to say." I smile, thinking back to when she asked me if I was gay as part of her interview with me. I can tell Ana is thinking of the same thing because her cheeks begin to turn a rosy pink.

"Do you love her?"

"Do I love her? I think I've loved her since the day I met her. Love doesn't adequately describe how I feel about her. She's the only woman to have captured my heart like that. I built up walls so I wouldn't feel anything and she knocked them all down. I will always love her; there is nothing she could do to make me not love her." Dr. Anderson smiles at my straightforward answer.

"So, Anastasia, now you have the truth. These are the facts, correct?"

"Yes." Ana whispers.

"Good. So, here is what I want you to do. When you start to feel afraid that Christian will leave you - I want you to let the feelings go. Remember what the truth is. The fear isn't who you are; it's not a part of you. You can let it go."

"OK." I can tell Ana is mulling this over in her mind.

"Remember that it is OK to feel scared. There is nothing wrong with that. However, what I ask of you is not to hold it inside. Talk to your husband and if you can't talk to him, write in a journal. Get what you are feeling out."

Ana looks over at me and smiles. "Thank you, Doctor."

"Anastasia, I gave you a lot to think about today. Don't hesitate to contact me with any questions. And, I'd like to see you in a couple of weeks to see how you are doing. Jennifer, my receptionist, can schedule the appointment. How does that sound?"

"It sounds very good, thank you, doctor," Ana replies to the doctor and shakes her hand.

"Thank you, Dr. Anderson," I say to her as I shake her hand next.

We schedule an appointment for two weeks. As we are walking to the car, I hold her close to me and kiss her head. "Thank you, Christian," Ana says to me.

"For what?"

"For loving me. For helping me. For caring about me." She replies to me; her blue eyes are looking into mine.

"Always, Anastasia. I will always love you and care about you. I will do whatever it takes for you."

"I know. And I will always love you."