Hey guys I'm so excited for this chapter I'm like Alice in shopping land ;). I strongly recommend (since I haven't updated in so long) to read the last few chapters again and really getting back into the story because this is a big one.
Also I've decided what I'm going to do after Cullen's girl (it's not near to an end but still) and I definitely want you guys along for the ride. Don't worry though I'm not going to split my efforts. So I'll probably put up a summary for "Us" soon and I'll need to know if you guys are intrigued.
Check out my profile page too because from now on I'll put a teaser up and reveal the next POV as soon as I'll have started the next chapter.
Edward
Je l'aime à mourir
I was relieved to feel the plane lift up into the air. I was so afraid Bella was going to change her mind and decide not to come. I needed her with me for many reasons. First, I could be sure she was okay and second, well the truth is I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure without her. I hadn't slept much last night, feeling too anxious about today and too angry to relax.
"I'm so sorry you're sleep deprived because of me." Bella repeated for the seventh time since she'd noticed the dark circles under my eyes.
"It's nothing." I shrugged.
"I'm a bad friend." She grimaced.
"Stop this nonsense Bells. I'm fine."
I took her in my arms and inhaled deeply. I was already feeling better than this morning so everything would be fine. Except it wasn't. Though Bells was putting on a brave face she was still immensely upset about last night and I could feel it coming through every pore of her skin. I waited until we checked in our room for the week end before confronting her. She was sitting at the edge of the bed when I took her in my arms and gave her a meaningful look.
"You know you can tell me anything." She sighed.
"I don't want to bum you out before your big night." I shook my head.
"I'm only playing tomorrow and I want to be sure your pretty ears will be perfectly happy to hear me do so." I joked playing with her ear. She smiled weakly.
"It just seems so… pointless." She began. I gave her the time she needed.
"I still can't believe what happened you know?" She breathed, on the verge of tears.
"I know." I didn't really. I'd never had anything close to a real relationship and was perfectly content with just her and I against the world… but it would be insensitive of me to say so wouldn't it?
So instead I started rubbing her neck gently. She leaned into me and sighed.
"Thanks." She seemed a little more relaxed at least.
"You're welcome." I placed a quick kiss on her neck.
"How could he base his assumptions on stupid rumours?" Her voice filled with annoyance as the word rumours rolled out of her tongue. She was able to construct her thoughts unlike yesterday but I wished that she'd forgotten about it already. Julian was an idiot and wasting time trying to decipher his wacky brain was just pointless.
"He's a jerk Bells."
"I guess. But what if it's something I did?" She turned to face me and looked so vulnerable it broke my heart. I lost myself in her big brown eyes and framed her face with my hands.
"You didn't do anything wrong Bells." I knew it was true but the sentence echoed in my mind. *What if it's something I did?" I asked myself.
"Promise?" She squeaked.
"Would I ever lie to you?" I cracked a smile and so did she.
Without thinking I felt myself leaning towards her. I was always so free around her I almost had a heart attack when I consciously realized I was aiming for her lips. In a mere second my heartbeat sky rocked, our lips brushed but I recovered instinctively by kissing her nose. I couldn't hear what she was saying anymore. I just forced myself to check if she was oblivious to what had –almost- happened. Her mood appeared to be unchanged. I freaked out. Big time. I kept a cool exterior but I felt like hot water what boiling in me. *Shit. What?* This was beyond science fiction. *What the hell? I tried to kiss Bella. Oh my god I tried to kiss Bella. Why? Why? I don't kiss Bella. I never kiss Bella. Am I going insane? Did I completely lose my mind? Did I switched dimensions or something? I don't want to kiss Bella. Do I?
*It would be kind of nice... What?* I choked at the intensity of my inner monologue. Bella apparently noticed my internal turmoil. *Damn you Edward Cullen.*
"Edward?" *Behave Edward, say something.*
"I'm just so angry that you're upset. You should go take a bath I'll go downstairs to cool off a little…" I offered but her face fell.
"A bath sounds nice but I don't really want to be alone right now." Her pouty lips admitted. God she was so sexy when she did that. I kicked myself in the gut mentally. God what was that? Had I become some kind of sex crazed monster ready to hit on his best friend?
"You know what? You go in there and I'll stay right out here." I said kissing her forehead. I was shaking. I hoped she wouldn't notice.
"No it's silly you can go for a walk if you want." She smiled at me and my heart dropped. I needed to figure out what was wrong with me. I hurried downstairs to get a drink. After the third glass it seemed ridiculous for me to be so freaked out by this. It had been a weird 24 hours. It didn't mean anything more than I needed to rest big time.
"Rough day?" I noticed a very beautiful woman in her early twenties was now sitting beside me.
"Kind of." I admitted.
"You look too hot to be having a girl problem." I scoffed at the irony.
"The problem is all on me."
"Well I'd be open to make it better." She said suggestively. She was very hot and definitely my kind of woman. She was almost as striking as Rosalie. She held her hand open for me to take. I wondered if she'd just broken up with her boyfriend and was trying to get back at him or she just found me attractive. It was the kind of things I used to do… before. I hadn't for quite some time now. I was suddenly nauseous.
I felt incredibly guilty to be debating if I should follow this woman when Bella was upset and alone in our room.
"Sorry I can't."
"Well if you change your mind." She trailed off handing me a room key.
I got up and went to the elevator. I contemplated the idea of going back and get laid. Maybe this was all a side effect of being without sex for so long. Like withdrawal or something. I was laying against the elevator back wall my hand clenched into fists for about ten minutes before the notion of pressing my floor button came into my mind.
Bella was sleeping when I got back. Probably better this way the reception wasn't until nine and I was in no condition to entertain her. I was relieved to see the weird feeling towards her was gone even if my self loathing was still intact.
I called room service for a few things I knew she'd enjoy when she'd wake up. Bella was always hungry after a nap.
I went for a quick swim in the hotel pool. I couldn't swim as much as before since I'd moved and I missed it. It helped me to clear my mind and after a while I almost felt normal again. I dried myself up and decided to go wake Bella. She needed time to get ready. She was a girl.
When I entered our suite I noticed she'd taken the milkshake. Strawberry milkshakes were always her favourite when she was upset. I smiled.
"Hey Bells I'm back." I warned her. I took a shower to get all the chlorine water out of the way. I put on my suit while Bella was doing her hair and we were almost ready to go.
"Hey I'm just going to change it shouldn't take long." She stated on her way to the room. I decided to sit on the couch. I was just reaching for the remote when I heard a loud shriek.
She opened the door; her eyes were wide in fear and despair. She was holding an empty glass in her hand.
"What happened? Are you hurt?" I panicked. I took the glass from her and started checking for cuts and scrapes, only to realise there were none. I caught myself staring at her perfect body that wasn't much covered at all. She was wearing the most revealing and delicate white bra I'd ever seen. With matching fucking undies.
"I'm a dead woman walking." It took me a moment to recompose myself.
"What?" * I loath myself.*
"I ruined the dress with my damn milkshake." She whined, hiding her face in my chest. I encircled her waist and felt the soft skin of her lower back under my fingers. God this was so wrong.
"It doesn't matter, Alice probably put another one in your bag just in case." I comforted her.
"Yes I know but she made a big deal that I was to wear this particular one, she's going to be so disappointed." She whispered. Talking about the devil, Alice's ringtone started playing on my phone. Bella always put amusing ringtones on my cell, always changing them. Alice's was these days a wedding march that sounded pretty gloomy. Funny. I would always remember the time she'd put "I'm too sexy" as Rose's and she'd heard it.
I motioned for Bella to go back into the room and change while I dealt with my sister.
"Did you see the dress yet?" She screamed out before I even got the phone to my hears.
"Hello Alice. How are you?" I felt like postponing the moment I would have to break the news.
"Great, whatever, did you see the dress?" She replied still screaming.
"No, well, Bella's changing right now, but she's not wearing the dress you picked out." There was about 0,00001% chance that Alice would leave it at that.
"Why?" She asked, insulted. Damn probabilities.
"There's been an… incident." I took a serious tone, hoping she'd imagine the worst and that it wouldn't seem so bad after all.
"What?" It wasn't a "oh my god what happened" what it was more of a "if you really let something happened to this dress you're a dead man" kind of what.
"Calm down Alice it's no big deal. Bella tripped and spilled her strawberry milkshake all over it."
There was no sound on the other end. I thought for a moment she'd hung up on me.
"Alice?" I asked tentatively. I heard so indistinct noises.
"Hey Edward, Alice almost fainted, she needs a moment. How's our girl?" Rose asked.
"Better." *But I'm not.* I thought bitterly.
"So tell Alice we have to go." I hung up without realising it; I was too busy staring at Bella who was coming out of the room. She looked like an angel. There was no other word.
"So, what do you think?" She asked shyly. Bella never believed in her own beauty and in a way it made her even more beautiful.
"You're breathtaking." I let the words slip out and my voice was anything but casual. She grimaced.
"Don't make fun of me or you'll be without a date." I coughed, hiding my relief that she hadn't realised I was dead serious.
"I'll be an angel." I promised.
"Yeah right, with giant horns and a big tail maybe." She joked, walking past me and going to the front door. I caught myself staring at her again.
"Are you coming already?" She asked faking impatience. I followed her.
We entered the ballroom and I realised the reception must have started early because there were already people everywhere. I glanced around to see if I could spot the man I was here for. Instead I saw Tanya coming towards us.
"Edward darling I was looking everywhere for you."
"Hey." I didn't feel like putting on a façade tonight. I was already pretending a lot of things didn't happen.
"Come with me precious Chris is dying to meet you." She motioned for me to follow her.
This was it. Bella squeezed my hand in hers as we walked behind Tanya.
"I'm so happy to finally meet you Mr. Cullen. I was quite taken by your piece and Tanya only says wonderful things about you."
"Please call me Edward. I want to thank you for this opportunity…" I began and he suddenly turned over to Bella.
"Is this the young lady who inspired your fantastic piece?"
"I'm Bella, nice to meet you." She shook his hand with a smile. A woman then arrived by Thompson's side.
"This is my wife, Gabrielle." He lovingly said as he introduced her. My smile turned into a frown when I realised I'd met her before. It was the girl from the bar. Oh my god I had considered sleeping with Chris Thompson's wife.
"I'm delighted to meet you, Edward." I shook her hand half heartedly. She was here with my personal hero seizing Bella up and down during what was supposed to be one of the turning points of my career. I put a forced smile on my face and tried to make a good first impression. We chatted a little more and Bella excused herself when she recognized one of the violinists. It was a girl she'd met at a fashion show with Alice. I knew she couldn't last longer under the scrutinizing stare of the unsubtle woman.
"Now Edward I'll see you tomorrow for your recital." He said as he left, his beloved wife winking at me. I hid my face in my hands when I was sure they were out of sight. God could this night be more surreal? I was just catching my breath again when a guy about my age approached me.
"Hey I'm Eric; Kaitlin's fiancé." I vaguely remembered Bella telling me she was going to say hi to Kaitlin.
"I'm Edward." We shook hands briefly and I was relieved to meet someone who seemed normal.
"She was really relieved to see Bella was here, she was afraid she wouldn't know anybody."
"Are you also a musician?" I asked.
"No I can't even hold a guitar right. I'm an architect."
"That must be cool." I said truthfully.
"It's an easier field than music. I just hope Kaitlin will get the attention she deserves, she's really talented but her nerves are often in the way."
"Yeah it's a nerve-wracking week end for everyone."
"Bella seems nice."
"She's the best." I said, smiling.
"How long have you been together?" He asked innocently, not thinking in a million years we were just friends.
"Yeah no she's…" I looked over to Bella and she had her head thrown back, laughing. She was a lot of things. She was smart and funny. She was beautiful. She had the biggest heart out of everyone I knew. But she wasn't mine. Calling her a friend didn't seem like enough though. We were Bella and Edward. We were one and the same. I loved her more than anything. But lately, there had been this weird feeling in my heart. Something new; unfamiliar. Something I'd never felt before. The truth crashed down on me like a tidal wave; knocking me down. It was staring at me right in the face. That feeling was love. A new kind of love that weighted way more on my shoulders than the fraternal love we'd always shared. The wrong kind of love.
"She's my everything…" I didn't recognize my own voice as I rudely excused myself and rushed out of the ballroom.
The world shifted. All I'd ever imagine about my future was crumbling and I was left with a question mark for a plan and that love burning my soul. I couldn't breath, I couldn't think. The floor didn't seem to support me the same way it always did and gravity itself was questionable. I found myself gasping for air in the nearest bathroom. The guy washing his hands took off in a hurry, giving me a worried glance. I guess I looked like a junkie missing his drug. Oh but I had my drug. In fact I'd just realised how much of it I needed. I looked at myself in the mirror and at that instant I didn't see me. I saw him, the freak who had to go and ruin everything by betraying the most sacred promise he'd ever made. I couldn't look at him. I hated him with all my heart. He longed for her, ached for her, commanding me to go back. I couldn't. She would know. She would see. I couldn't let her see him. *God I want to take it back.* I wondered if I even could. I knew he was me but I couldn't accept him and this tainted love. Our love had always been pure, now it was jealous and impatient, unworthy of her.
I couldn't stay hidden forever. No I'd have to go back to her. As I splashed water on my burning face I realized there was no going back from this. I loved her. Blinding, heart wrenching, life altering love. I just had to make sure no one would ever find out. How to kill it? How to hide it? How to act like everything was fine when it could never be again? I stared at him again, making him understand he would never win. He'd never break free. I wouldn't allow it. I felt him crumble. I was winning. I shrugged and dried my hands. My mind was processing everything, how I had to act, what I could do, what I had to be careful with. It seemed like a part of me had always known it would come to this, and was now taking over. I placed a grin on my lips as I rejoined the party. I saw her but refusing myself to ache about how beautiful she looked, I walked towards her and offered her my hand.
"A dance my lady?" I whispered playfully, looking directly in her rich brown eyes. That was it. This was the most significant test. Right here right now with that unwanted love coursing trough my veins, would she see right through me and realised I was scared to death.
"Gladly; my lord." She joked and I didn't know if I should rejoice or fear. Fear that one day I'd lose control over this and break her heart. Fear that she'd figure it out and break mine. Fear that I could lose this. As I put my arms around her and squeeze her perfect body, I realised this was the first of many lies to come. And worse I discovered I could lie to my Bella if it meant that I wouldn't lose her.
What you don't know won't hurt you
Maybe the lies are true
Try to remember
Try to forget
But you'll never be the same
I'm already gone
There's a stranger in my place
You'll never find me
But I'll never run
Jonatha Brooke
Okay I hope you liked it because I gave it my very best. Really looking forward to your comments. Elmo13