Chapter Thirty Eight: Confessions
"What do you want?" he says, nearly knocking me out with a cloud of wine fumes.
"I have to talk to you," I whisper.
"Now?" he says. I nod. "This better be good." He waits, but I feel certain every word we utter on a Capitol train is being recorded. "Well?" he barks.
The train starts to brake and for a second I think President Snow is watching me and doesn't approve of my confiding in Haymitch and has decided to go ahead and kill me now. But we're just stopping for fuel.
"The train's so stuffy," I say.
It's a harmless phrase, but I see Haymitch's eyes narrow in understanding. "I know what you need." He pushes past me and lurches down the hall to a door. When he wrestles it open, a blast of snow hits us. He trips out onto the ground. Finnick joins us.
A Capitol attendant rushes to help, but Haymitch waves her away good-naturedly as he staggers off. "Just want some fresh air. Only be a minute."
"Sorry. He's drunk," I say apologetically. "I'll get him." I hop down and stumble along the track behind him, soaking my slippers with snow, as he leads me beyond the end of the train so we will not be overheard. Then he turns on me.
"What?" I tell him everything. About the president's visit, about Gale, about how we're all going to die if I fail. Finnick helps me remember every detail.
His face sobers, grows older in the glow of the red tail-lights. "Then you can't fail."
"If you could just help us get through this trip—" I begin.
"No, Katniss, it's not just this trip," he says.
"What do you mean?" I say.
"Even if you pull it off, they'll be back in another few months to take us all to the Games. You and Peeta, you'll be mentors now, every year from here on out. And every year they'll revisit the family drama and broadcast the details of your private life. And Finnick your a mentor too, you'll be in the Capitol together, and they will want to know everything about your relationship and you'll never, ever be able to do anything but live happily ever after together."
The full impact of what he's saying hits me. I will never be allowed to live alone. I will never have a moment of privacy. I will have to be forever in love with Finnick. The Capitol will insist on it. I'll have a few years maybe, because I'm still only sixteen, to stay with my mother and Prim. And then ... and then ...
"Do you understand what I mean?" he asks both of us.
I nod. He means there's only one future, if I want to keep those I love alive and stay alive myself. I'll have to marry Finnick. I look at Finnick, I feel like I've forced him into this.
"Its not so bad, it could be worse. Your in love with each other, that is easy to see. He will want to use your romance to distract the county and it will work, if we play it in the right manor. Peeta will play the over protective brother, and Finnick you will have to sweep her off her feet like you are courting her so we don't lose the innocent little sister thing. It can work. Are you both willing to commit to this?" Its almost like he is thinking out loud to himself.
I look at Finnick, what choice do we have? We both nod.
"Well good thing is this will get you out of your requirements with the capitol, but that will make it harder to keep the innocent look," Haymitch says to Finnick. Then to me, "You will have to play your part perfectly."
We head back to the train. "By the way, the train is safe, no bugs. Beetee secured it for us." Haymitch tells us.
"Then why did we come out here?" I ask
Haymitch just shrugs.
We get to the train and Haymitch goes into his room slamming the door. Finnick follows me into my room. I sit down on the bed and Finnick sits too. Suddenly I feel a wave of guilt come over me.
"I'm so sorry Finnick. I.. I can't ask you to do this." I look straight ahead as a say it, not being able to look at him.
"Katniss, I want to do this." he says.
I shake my head, "Your being forced into this..." I start and he interrupts me.
"Katniss.." When I don't look at him he turns me and holds my face so I'm looking at him. Not forcefully but tender. "I'm not being forced into this. I want to be with you. I want to help you. I would be here even if I didn't need to be because I love you and I don't want to be without you."
I process what he's saying taking it all in. Can he really mean it? He must see that I'm wavering because he continues. "Katniss, love, for a long time now I haven't believed in love, haven't believed in a happy ending, the Capitol has taken that away from me. But now because of you I do believe in it."
I nod, and I believe him. "I love you." I say quietly.
He smiles, "I love you."
"Can I ask you a question?" I ask him.
He nods. I ask the question I've been waiting to find out.
"Finnick," I say quietly, "What was your requirement to the capitol."
He takes a deep breath, "Promise you won't hate me Katniss?" by the look on his face I can tell he is scared.
"I promise Finnick." There is nothing he could ever say that would make me hate him.
It takes him a few minutes to begin, "I was young when I won my games, only 14. Everyone loved me and desired me. When I was 15 President snow called me to visit him and told me that every woman in the Capitol wanted me and that they would pay to spend a night with me. I was horrified at his suggestion, and told him I didn't want to do it. The women in the Capitol disgusted me. He told me I had to, that I didn't have a choice. I didn't understand what he meant. How could anyone force me to have sex with women if I didn't want to? So I refused. He told me about what happened to Haymitch, the last tribute who refused. He told me that he took away everyone that he loved. But I was young and naive and I still refused. I thought that I could protect them. When I returned to my district I found the President had arranged and 'accident' my father was burned to death in our old house. I can see the tears in his eyes and I want to tell him to stop that he doesn't have to tell me everything but I also know that I have to know. "He told me that if I didn't do it, my mother and my sister Annie would be next. So to keep them safe I agreed. And so for the last five years I..." he can't bring himself to say it, but I know. He laid back on my bed, hands covering his face.
And I am furious! Absolutely furious! How dare they do that? How dare they kill his father? And Haymitch, that explains a lot about him. How many victors are they doing this to? I'm so mad, I'm pacing. The Capitol thinks they can do anything they want with anyone. And they have been allowed to do that. I want to stop them. It's more than that even, I want to kill President Snow. And then I'm even more furious because I can't do that. That kind of thinking is the exact kind of thinking that got me in this situation in the first place.
Finnick stands up, and it stops my pacing. I can see the hurt on his face, "Its okay if you hate me Katniss, I would hate me too." He puts his hand over his face and continues, "I should have told you sooner before you got involved with me.. I.. I, I'm sorry." He moves to leave, when I stop him.
I realize he must have thought my rage was at him. "No Finnick, don't leave. I'm not mad at you."
"But..."
I cross the room and put my hands on either side of his face, "I'm not mad at you Finnick, I'm furious, the the Capitol, at President Snow. Not you. You didn't have a choice. And I hate him for forcing you to do that. And I'm even more furious because I can't do anything about it." And then Finnick is comforting me.
"I love you Kat, so much."
"I love you too Finnick."
We hold each other for a while longer. I remember from our conversations over the phone that his mother isn't alive anymore either, "Did they kill your mother?" I ask him.
He shakes his head, "No, she died from a heart attack."
"I'm sorry." I tell him.
He just nods, "Annie is all I have left. And every year I'm afraid that she will be reaped." I remember him telling me the Annie is 11 now. She will be in the reaping next year. Prim has 5 years left.
Angry tears start running down my face and it makes me even more angry that I can't stop them. "Here we are trying to squash uprisings and rebellion in the districts and all I want to do is raise them. I don't want to stop a rebellion, I want to squash the Capitol! I want to take and arrow to President Snow's heart." I shock myself saying those things out loud. "But we can't. Because if we do..." I trail on.
Finnick nods understanding. "I know. I know exactly how you feel Kat."
Finnick takes me in his arms and lays us down on the bed. "We can do this. We can."
We stare into each others eyes and our intense emotions turn in a different direction. I'm not sure who initiated the kiss, but it is unlike any kiss I have ever experienced before. Even though my history of kissing is limited. Our lips lock together and the taste of of his tongue on mine makes me shiver in pleasure. We are both on our sides my fingers running through his hair and down his back. Everywhere his hands touch me, on my back, down my arms, up my leg, leave a trail of fire tingling on my skin. I'm not sure how long we kiss like that but I never want it to end.
Eventually we break apart breathless. My lips are tingling and slightly swollen. Finnick holds me close to him and I don't resist happy to be in his embrace. For a while we don't say anything we just enjoy being in each other's company. My ear lays over his heart and I am content to listen to his rhythmic heart beat.
After what must be a few hours Finnick sighs, "Haymitch is right, we will have to play this game for as long as we live."
"I know. But at least we can do it together." Then I think about Haymitch referring to marriage and can't help but feel like he is forced, "Finnick if you don't want this, we can maybe find a way out of it."
"What are you talking about?" He turns on his side so he is facing me, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you Katniss Everdeen, I just wish we could do it on our terms, not the Capitols."
"I never thought I would get married." I tell him honestly.
"Why not? Too good for all the district 12 boys?" he jokes with me.
I roll my eyes at him playfully, "Because, I don't want to bring children into this world where they could be reaped and have to go through what we did."
He nods, "I understand, but by the time our kids are old enough their won't be a hunger games anymore."
I like the way he said our kids, and I smile to myself. "What makes you so sure?" I say not believing him.
"I just do. But I better get back to my room so you can get some sleep before your first stop."
"Okay," I say wishing he would stay but to shy to ask him.
"I love you Kat," he says then kisses me.
"I love you too Finnick," I kiss him back. and then he is gone.