Oh please rest assured this was not my fault

And time is getting short

So I'll be here if you want me

(Beaten and covered in a red so bloody)

Oh my darling can you hear?

My words so pure they burn your lying ears

And so the story goes

When I leave will you let me go?

Chapter 38: Selfish

Bella POV

There are a lot of underappreciated things on Earth, probably too many to even count. But if you asked me what I think the most underrated gift we have is, I would say the simplicity of nature. I think human nature as a whole just can't appreciate the great outdoors as well as they used to. And it's not entirely their fault. Human kind has evolved over the years, and society is just not as reliant on the outside as much as it used to be. Don't get me wrong, technology and all the things that can be done with it is absolutely magnificent. But there's something about walking in the woods, strolling through an area that is mostly untouched by man, that it truly stunning.

As a supernatural I have been able to enjoy it more. It's relaxing and soothing, teeming with life. I just wish I had been able to appreciate it more as a human. Forks really is beautiful.

I had laughed about leaving Alice alone with Esme. However, I feared that what I was about to face would be much more dreadful.

Liam's scent had led me deep into the forest, underneath a canopy of trees and wildlife. The further I walked, the heavier my stomach felt and the weight of my actions began to sting at my chest. I don't regret them, I never would. But there was a better way to go about what I had done. There were probably about a hundred better ways.

Finally I caught up with him, perched on a branch far above the ground in a rather tall pine tree. I knew he could smell me, but he made no indication of moving from his spot. So I saddled up and began to climb up to where he was.

When at last I had reached his branch, he once again did not move or make room for me to get around him. The fear rose further in my chest. But eventually he sighed and shuffled slightly so I could sit on the branch with him.

It was awkward. Really awkward. I couldn't decide if I should speak first, or if it would seem too controlling to start something if he didn't want to. I chewed on my lip in agitation, something I hadn't done in years. Something I hadn't done since I had met Liam.

Alice was everything to me, don't mistake my words. The thought of losing her literally made my lungs ache. My heart would surely implode on itself without her. And I would, and have died for her.

But Liam had saved me. Saved me long before Alice. And he was my brother. Not an Emmett or a Jasper, but a real blood brother.

So yeah. My abandonment sucked hard, to say the least.

"I uh, I brought you some bourbon." I finally mumbled, not being able to handle to silence any more.

"Yeah I noticed." He responded in a soft aloofness. My insides cringed at his anger that I knew was bubbling close to the surface.

Liam was a good guy. He always was a good guy. People could say his reserved stature was from Marcus, but really he was always just a nice quiet kid from Virginia.

"Right." I set the bottle down behind me on another nearby branch and rubbed the back of neck. "Right um – "

"I just need to know why Bella." He whispered, not daring to look up at me.

"Why I brought the – ?" I began rather stupidly.

"Why you left." He interrupted before I could finish my idiotic question. I swallowed loudly and let out a hushed swear.

"I guess that is the only real question."

"Yeah no shit." He snapped, releasing the start of something harsh. But I couldn't help the slight smirk from his very familiar behavior. "What you think this is funny?" The branch shook with his coming rage and I went to deescalate quickly.

"No! God no. You just sort of reminded me of me there." The moment the words left my mouth, I knew they were wrong. His eyes darkened and he scoffed harshly.

"Don't insult me. All you do is bring pain to everyone who loves you. Don't put that burden on me."

"You're right. I'm sorry." My admittance to his accusation seemed to catch him off guard.

"So you agree?"

"Well, yeah." I blushed as he scrutinized me closely before scoffing again.

"Great. So you know you're a dick."

"It's not – I don't – I really don't mean to be a dick." I mumbled truthfully. "Really I don't. Sometimes I feel like I'm this huge chaotic storm that has no control over where I land. Or who I hurt."

"You're trying to blame your actions on a lack of control?"

"No. I don't mean to blame anything other than me." He nodded and looked out to the open forest, drawing in calming breaths.

"So why did you do it?"

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"Well that's a load of bullshit. Look where that got you."

"That was not my intention." I frowned, upset at myself for the harm I had caused my best friend. I wondered if this was how Alice felt after she left a human me. "Honestly."

"Just fucking tell me why Bella." Liam said through gritted teeth, anger beginning to spill out once more. "And no more lies and excuses."

"You had Zoey." I stated simply. "It would be different if you were single, but I could never ask you to leave your imprint like that."

"Like you did."

"That was chance I was willing to take with my relationship with Alice." I said, thinking back to my troubled decision making at the time of my leaving. "I knew we would fall apart with my sanity the way it was, so I took that risk of leaving her. But I could never ask you to do that."

"I would have, you know."

"I know." I sighed and began to swing my legs underneath the branch. "But that wouldn't have been right."

"Fuck what's right Bella! We're talking about the Volturi here! You're acting like I wasn't even there!" The seed of anger that I had planted in him had grown into a big ass tree, and the tree was busting out of its pot after several long months. "You're my best friend! And you couldn't even have the decency to leave me a letter."

"What was I supposed to say Liam? You know why I needed to go."

"No. No I don't. Not the way you did."

"Why is this so hard for you?" I was in the wrong. I knew I was in the wrong. But I felt like I was beating a dead horse with this one. Liam released a frustrated growl and jumped from the tree, landing gracefully on the ground beneath. I followed swiftly behind him. "What? What is wrong with you?"

"Because you were fucking selfish Bella!" Liam screamed before punching a tree, effectively causing it to split and fall over. The loud crash sent birds scattering and a new silence fell over the forest soon after. "I couldn't figure out why I was so mad at you for so long. But finally I realized, it was because of how selfish you were. You've never been selfish, not like that. And it was uncharacteristic of you. But it hurt. It hurt a lot." His words cut me deep like knives, and I unconsciously stepped backwards away from the pain he was inflicting on me.

"I didn't mean – "

"No but you did. So please stop telling me what your intentions were, because they're crap."

"You're right." I stood emotionlessly for a moment, finally admitting to myself that he really was right. "I was selfish. But how is that fair?"

"What?" He was understandably confused by my question.

"You said it yourself, it was uncharacteristic of me. And yet it was still selfish of me to do something just for me, one time?"

"Because what you did was selfish! You left all of us! All of us, for yourself!" He had every right to be pissed, but it also was not fair to put all of it on me.

"I'm sorry but I'm not going to apologize for all that I did! I know that's counterintuitive, but fuck logic right now. If I could go back in time, I would do the exact same thing."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! So you have no remorse for what you did to this family?!"

"Of course I having fucking remorse about how I left, but I don't regret leaving. I never did and I never will." He looked about ready to attack me, so I readied myself if he decided to do so. Instead, Liam released another frustrated growl and kicked the fallen tree.

"WHY?!"

"BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS DOING EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE ELSE!" As fast as it had risen, Liam's temper immediately dissipated after my outburst at him. "I'm the one getting shot! I'm the one throwing myself in front of the ones I love! I'm the one that gets my bones crushed! I'm the one who gets bitten! I'm the one that gets a piece of fucking rebar pushed through their torso!"

"I didn't – "

"No I know you didn't ask me. Nobody asks me. But the point is that I keep doing it to keep you all safe. I have to give my control away to just fucking keep this shit together and it's fucking exhausting. It's exhausting and I couldn't take it anymore. So yes, I was selfish. Yes, I finally decided to take control of my life and do what I thought was right. What I know is right."

"I- I'm sorry. I didn't know- I didn't realize." Liam's leftover rage had gone and I was left standing in front of my quiet polite brother again.

"I didn't say all of that to make you feel bad Liam. But you asked me why. I thought you deserved an answer."

"Thank you." He whispered and outstretched his hand to me, a peace offering. I reached out and shook it gently. "For everything." I nodded, and we seemed to have some sort of silent understanding that all was forgiven and in the past now. After a couple more moments of awkward silence, I shrugged my head towards the way I had come from.

"Come on. Let's go home."