Chapter 36
Brian finished his shower slowly, dried himself with the fluffy red towel and put on his jeans and an old white t-shirt. It was Sunday night, and he should probably go to Babylon to try to forget all his problems for a little while; just like he always did. But he doubted anybody's ass or even the most talented blow job in the world would make him forget a certain blond whom was all he could think of right now.
In fact, he didn't even feel like going out, because without Justin, there would simply be no fun. It would just be one more emptier fuck in his life…and he felt so many parts of him already empty that he didn't want to add another one to this shit. Besides, he had to admit that if Justin found out that he had gone to seek anonymous sex right after what had happened between them…it would just make the mess worse. The young man would probably even try to understand, but he would be hurt, Brian had no doubt of that…he would just put more salt on the wound, and he was tired of hurting Justin.
He heard the heavy metal door being pulled open and he braced himself to face the blond. Nowadays, there was only one person with the loft's key other than himself. How the hell would he explain to Justin that he hadn't been able to do what the young man asked? He hadn't been able to think about their relationship properly. All he could think about was how complicated his life is and that he couldn't lose the person he loved, but it was like he was paralyzed to actually act on it. Debbie's words kept playing inside his head. Was he so messed up this time that he needed professional help? He winced and turned, expecting to see Justin's hopeful face, or angry expression, or even a disappointed one…
But he didn't expect the little ball of energy that invaded the loft running towards him, yelling "Daddy! Daddy!" and suddenly his arms were invaded by his boy, and Brian picked him up, his cheek pressed against Gus's in a hug so tight that the boy giggled, "Ouch, Daddy!"
"Hey, Sonny Boy," he said, voice almost cracking, this time with happiness.
"We came to take you to the Diner. We're hungry and we missed you all day, didn't we, Jus?"
Brian raised his head and there he was; Justin standing at the door, blue eyes looking at him with such a sweet smile, that his heart skipped a beat.
"Yeah, we did miss him all day," Justin murmured.
"Come on, Daddy! Get ready; Mum brought us, but she told me I must be back at home before nine. Have school tomorrow."
"Mel brought you?" Brian asked dumbfounded.
Justin only nodded, and Brian understood that he would have to leave the explanations to (for) another time, because Gus was squirming. "Put me down, Daddy, get dressed and let's go! I want a big cheeseburger and a double chocolate shake!"
"Okay. Let me just put on another shirt," Brian said. He looked at Justin, whose shining eyes were still on him. "Thank you," he said, knowing that he didn't need to explain why he was thanking the blond. Gus always had the power of lifting his spirit and Justin knew that. Bringing his son to him was a very special way to show how much Justin cared, and Brian, who had always valued actions a lot more than words, could clearly see that. The two persons he most loved in the whole world were there with him, and, right now, it was all that mattered.
… … …
Gus talked the whole time about his friends at school. Sitting beside his father, eating his double cheeseburger with French fries and his chocolate milkshake, he spoke excitedly with his mouth full, not caring that there were crisps flying everywhere. In front of Brian sat Justin, eating exactly the same thing that Gus was having, watching the interaction between father and son with an amused smile.
The Diner was almost empty. It was Studs 'n Suds night and it seemed like 'everybody' was at Babylon. Justin looked at Brian, trying not to be too obvious that he was looking, but barely containing the will to touch him. He wanted Brian to tell him every fucking thing about his conversation with Lindsay, but for now Justin would be more than happy if he could just touch him. He had missed touching Brian the whole day, as if they hadn't seen each other for a long time. It scared him a little of how addicted he was of this man's touch. In fact, just his presence made him feel better, like he believed deep down that somehow everything would be alright.
In the beginning, Brian couldn't take his eyes off his son, amazed of how he could have been able to create someone so perfect like Gus. Of course Lindsay was a big part of it, but Gus was the spitting image of his father, resembling him more and more as he grew up. Once in a while Brian drank his iced tea and nibbled the Chicken Fingers and looked with the corner of his eyes at Justin.
It was ridiculous how much he had missed the young man, because they had seen each other that same morning; but the tone of their conversation had felt so…final, that Brian had to admit to himself that it had been a shitty day, because part of him had wondered when or if he would see Justin anytime soon.
Brian wasn't a shy man; far from it. Shyness and modesty weren't things Brian Kinney could be accused of. But every time Justin raised his head and caught Brian looking at him, Brian's heart started to skip beats and his stomach made flip-flops. What the hell was happening? It was getting ridiculous. He was not a damsel, for Christ's sake. So why was his face feeling fucking hot and his heart was beating ridiculously fast like a lovesick teenage girl? Was he turning into a lesbian? He looked at his pants just to check if his dick was still there and seeing the familiar sight he almost gave a sigh of relief. Yep, dick in the right place; still a man, thank God.
'Get a grip, Kinney, you're being ridiculous,' Brian thought. 'If you get more pathetic than this maybe you really need therapy. Fuck.'
Almost at the same time Gus turned his face to Justin, his little cheek smeared with chocolate milkshake. "Uh…Jus?" The boy asked, and before Justin had any chance to reply, he went on: "Why do you keep staring at Daddy?"
Justin gasped and almost choked on his French fries. "I – I –"he stammered, face and ears turning very red.
"Yeah, like you want to stay closer to him. Why don't you sit beside him? I don't mind switching places with you," Gus said, "So you can, you know, hold his hand and do things boyfriends do. My mums are always holding hands over the table at home when they're together."
Brian looked at Justin's still red, embarrassed face and felt a sudden surge of confidence. "Yeah, Justin, why don't we hold hands over the table like Gus's mums?" he asked a bit playfully, opening his hand over the table, palm upward, waiting, asking, hoping.
Justin looked at him and smiled a little, and Brian couldn't help himself and smiled too. Justin's white hand found Brian's and their fingers intertwined over the table.
"There," said Gus, sounding older and wiser than the two adults with him. "That's better. You looked like you wanted to hold hands since we got here but you were shy."
Brian wanted to laugh at that. Holding Justin's hand wasn't exactly what he had in mind; he would rather hold Justin's entire body and never let go. But his other hand ruffled Gus's hair and he winked at the boy. "Yeah, Sonny Boy, we were shy," he said smiling.
"Miss Kathy!" Gus said delighted, looking at the door, where a beautiful young blonde walked in arm to arm with a blond young man. "She's my teacher, at school, you know," he explained to his father and Justin. "Can I go talk to her, Daddy? Please?"
Brian looked at the young woman who, at the same time, saw Gus and waved at him. "Sure, Sonny Boy, go ahead, but don't take long. We need to take you home."
Gus didn't have to be told twice. He got up hurriedly and went to the table where his teacher had just sat at, sitting unceremoniously by her side.
"He's so like you," Justin commented, seeing how Gus kissed Miss Kathy's cheek without hesitation and started to talk excitedly, pointing at him and Brian. "He acts as if he owns the place. And he's already a flirt at his age."
"Well, I guess it's a good thing. He certainly has the looks."
"Yes, he does," Justin said looking at Brian and at their hands joined together. "But only because he looks just like you."
Brian smiled. "Flattery will get you everywhere," he murmured, his thumb brushing Justin's wrist.
"I hope so," Justin gave him a half-smile, but then grew serious. "But we need to talk first."
Brian looked at the table, uncomfortable, but then took a deep breath and faced Justin again. "I know, and we will. Just not here, okay?"
"Course not. But Brian…no more secrets. Please?"
Brian closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, and his hand held Justin's tightly. "Okay…no more secrets. I can't say I won't fuck it up sometimes, though."
"Yeah, I know. But knowing you'll try your best is enough."
"Okay."
"I can't…I don't want to stay away from you again, Brian."
"Neither do I," Brian said sincerely, because Justin deserved nothing less than sincerity.
They stared at each other until they heard Gus's voice. "Okay, Daddy, let's go," said the boy, returning and sitting beside Brian again.
"Finish your milkshake first, Gus," Brian said.
Justin smiled at the boy and noticed a pink mark on his forehead. "What's this?" he asked, extending his arm to touch the mark.
"Don't take it off, Jus!" Gus said. "Miss Kathy gave me a kiss. She's here with her twin brother, Kyle," the boy explained. Then he finished his milkshake with a loud slurping sound and added: "I'm gonna marry her. She's the most beautiful lady I've ever seen."
Brian raised one eyebrow. "Straight, huh?" he murmured to Justin. And he said to Gus, "Don't you think you're a little young for her?"
"That's not a problem, daddy. I didn't mean I'm gonna marry her now. She can wait ten or twelve years," he said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "Then when I'm a big, strong and rich like you, I'm gonna marry her."
"It's cute, Gus. Your first crush," Justin said, smiling at the boy.
"Still, ten years from now, she'll be much older than you," Brian insisted." If his son had to be straight, he would rather see him with someone his age. Thinking about an older woman with her hands on his boy gave him the creeps.
"But Daddy, it's not fair," Gus said, his big eyes focused on Brian, "Mum says you are much older than Justin, but he is your boyfriend!" he reasoned. "She once said that when you and Justin started to date, you were thirty and Justin was still a 'tenager'!"
"Teenager," Justin corrected without thinking.
Brian almost gasped, looking at Gus and Justin sharply, his mouth open. What the hell; were Mel and Lindz telling his son that he was old? "Who said I'm much older than him? He's older than he looks."
"I heard the moms talking," Gus shrugged. "Mum said Justin still looks like he's seventeen and you probably put a lot of 'beetox' on your face to look younger."
"Botox," Justin corrected again, but then he looked at Brian and saw his outraged face… and something inside him clicked. Unable to control himself, he burst out laughing all of a sudden, while Brian looked at him trying to look angry. But the older man couldn't, Justin's laugh was infectious, even if it was at his expense.
"Okay, Sonny Boy, you marry Miss Kathy when you grow up," Brian said, and he started to laugh with Justin. And, for a few seconds, it all felt like noting bad had happened. Gus looked at both men and started to laugh too, not quite understanding, but just happy to be there, because he loved to go out with his Daddy and Justin; they were so funny!
Brian kissed his son's hair and looked at Justin's blue eyes across the table and it felt so good and right that Brian just knew, it was the best fucking moment of the entire day: feeling Justin's hand on his and hearing Gus's contagious laugh.
"Let's get going, boys, or Mom Mel will cut my remaining ball off for taking Gus home late," he said, throwing some money on the table. He never let go of Justin's hand, but grabbed Gus's little one with his other hand and together they left the Diner.
--- --- --- ---
Mel spread her books over the kitchen table and sighed. She was in no mood to study but the other option was to go upstairs and talk to Lindsay and she really didn't want to do it right now. She was confused, annoyed, she didn't know what to think about her partner of more than ten years. Lindsay was behaving completely out of character lately. Mel wanted to understand, to help even, but she was at a loss, she didn't know how to help the blonde. Or herself, because she felt their relationship slowly slipping from her hands, and she didn't want to lose Lindsay.
She lost track of time, thinking how complicated things were. In fact, her whole relationship with Lindsay had never been exactly a garden of roses.
First, there was Brian, whom Mel always knew, owned a big part of Lindsay's heart. When the blonde decided that she wanted him to father Gus, Mel almost had a heart attack, but she had to agree in the end that he was a good option. Then, years later, there had been Sam. Mel could live a hundred years and she would never understand what the hell had happened between Lindsay and the artist. How could Lindsay have cheated on her when she was pregnant was something that still hurt just to think of. But the explosion at Babylon had brought them together again, and Lindsay had gone with her to another country willingly, ready to start a new life for their little family…and for a while it was all good again, life was simple and they were in harmony, because they both believed in the same thing and fought for it.
But living in another country hadn't been easy, finding a good job was even harder and the kids missed their daddies – especially Gus, who kept talking about Brian all the time – so they had come back to Pittsburgh. Mel didn't want to depend on Brian's help forever, and she knew that during the time they were in Canada he had sent more than he should to pay for Gus's expenses, just because Lindsay mentioned they were a little short of money. That made Mel feel totally incompetent, because she hadn't been able to take care of her family on her own.
In a way, she was grateful of being back. She had gotten her old job back, and one of the partners had just retired – Mr. Sloan, who had no children and whose wife had died a long time ago. The other partner, Mr. Johnson – who was about to retire himself – and his son William, a little bit younger than Mel, seemed to like her aggressive way, her fierce determination and her intelligence…not to mention that they weren't homophobic at all. William had more than once talked about the possibility of making her a partner, and she was thrilled to achieve this in such a short time after coming back. They had given her another chance and she would grab it with both hands.
Lindsay, on the other hand, seemed to be…stuck. She had gotten her job back at the gallery, but the job that first was seen by the blonde as a challenge, had lost a lot of its appeal after the 'Sam episode' and – Mel was certain of that – after Justin's departure to New York. It wasn't as if Lindsay was jealous; not really. She seemed more…frustrated with herself, restless, almost disappointed at the way her life had turned out to be. It chilled Mel to the bone to think that she, Jenny and Gus were not enough to keep Lindsay happy.
"I fell asleep," Lindsay said, standing by the door. "I laid next to Jenny waiting for you and…I just woke up now." She rubbed her eyes a little. "I thought you were going upstairs."
"Didn't want to disturb you," Mel lied "You seemed tired."
"Well, Gus was impossible today." Lindsay sat down at the table, facing Mel. "He kept asking me to go outside, but it was too hot; he did have a bit of a fever yesterday," she shrugged. "After the rainy day we had yesterday, I didn't expect today to be so sunny."
"Why didn't you let Brian come and pick him?" Mel blurted out all of a sudden. "he has a lot of energy to spend, you know," she explained. She didn't want to fight; just to understand.
Lindsay seemed annoyed by the question, but answered calmly. "I told you, I was going to my mother's."
"But you didn't go anywhere."
"I didn't know that Mom had already set up something with her friends. She and the old ladies at the country club love to spend a Sunday afternoon playing cards and gossiping about everybody."
"Yeah, but you could have –" Mel stopped herself. She didn't want to argue.
"What, Mel?" Lindsay asked, her soft tone now doing a poor job to hide her annoyance.
"Forget it," the brunette said. "I need to put these books away." Mel started to get up, but Lindsay's voice stopped her.
"I hate when you do that," she snapped. "If you want to say something, just say it."
Mel sighed and decided to say what she was thinking. "I just wonder if you didn't let Brian see Gus on purpose."
"And why would I do that?" Lindsay's voice was suddenly cold. "What's wrong with you, anyway? Now it's Brian this, Brian that…If I didn't know you two I'd say you've been friends since forever."
Mel snorted. "Hardly. But he earned my respect lately," she shrugged. "I don't have to be necessarily crazy about the man to see that you're being unfair to him, and I would give my left hand to know where this is coming from."
"What are you insinuating?" Lindsay asked a little shakily. Her mood and the tone of her voice changed so abruptly that Mel had trouble following her. First she was almost sweet, than angry, than cold…now she sounded hurt.
"Nothing," Mel raised her hands in a defensive gesture. "But your behavior is, at best, out of character, Linds. Lately you seem to be always upset with Brian or Justin, or me, for that matter. You're having mood swings as fast as a pregnant woman. Brian was your prince in shining armor and I always hated him a bit for that. Now you're acting as if he is…I don't know."
"Are you saying that you agree with him…that we should let Gus have his name?"
"Listen, this is not about Brian. It's about you. What's going on in that head of yours, Linds? Why are you so…I don't know…bitter is not the right word, but you're not you anymore. What's happening?"
"Answer me, Mel. Do you agree with him?
Mel sighed. She wouldn't lie just to satisfy Lindsay; not anymore. "I…don't see why not. If Jenny has Michael's name, we share her custody but she lives with us…Why shouldn't Brian have the same right?"
"You mean you want to share Gus's custody with Brian?" Lindsay seemed terrorized by the thought.
"Hell, no; I didn't say that. And he didn't ask for anything like that. He said nothing would change, just Gus's name."
"And don't say you believe him…? That's a first," Lindsay commented. "What reasons do you have to believe him, Mel? You never liked him much anyway."
Mel was getting tired; Lindsay was starting to sound like a broken tape recorder. "And what reasons do you have not to believe him? Brian was your best friend in the whole world. What changed?"
"I…" Lindsay hesitated. "I don't know. He seems…odd. Almost…domesticated. I never thought I would see that. He was a wild and free spirit, and that was a beautiful thing to see. Now, he's completely changed, Mel…What if he changes his mind and decides to take Gus away from me?"
Mel's jaw dropped. "Honestly Linds, I don't believe Brian would ever do something like that. I'm not exactly his fan, but he knows you're the right person to raise Gus; you're his mother and you love him. Brian gave us his parental rights willingly, didn't he? Perhaps he's not so sure about my maternal qualities, but he didn't even mention getting his parental rights back."
"Would you give it to him if he asked?"
"Not without a fight," Mel admitted. "Gus is mine as much as Jenny is yours. We're a family."
"Exactly. So you understand that I'm afraid Brian will want to take Gus from me. We're a family, and we're so happy together! Just because Brian decided he wants to play "domestic life" for a while, it doesn't mean we need to sacrifice our lives!"
Mel wanted to say that she wasn't so sure that they were so happy like Lindesay said, but she didn't. "Wait, wait, wait. I said we're a family, but it doesn't mean we need to keep everybody else out. Michael and Brian are the children's fathers. The children need them, they have an important role in their lives."
"Oh, Michael's sweet. He has a stable relationship with Ben; he lives in an adorable house; they already have a little family with Hunter. But Brian…Look at him! He wants to live with Justin, someone so young; he just thinks about himself! He's tying the boy down, taking him from New York for a dream, Mel! He won't be tamed for long, he's a force of nature! What will happen when he gets tired of the placid little life with just one partner? What will happen with Justin, the poor boy? I don't want to see Gus dragged into this mess! I don't want him to be disappointed with his father! Brian should understand that I'm trying to protect his and Gus's relationship too! Why not leave things the way they already are?"
Mel shook her head. " You're not making any sense, Linds. Is this about Brian and Gus or about Brian and Justin? And I never thought you had any… 'reservations' about Justin's age. He's a fully grown man, Lindsay."
"But he's so young and he's giving up so much!"
"He's completely capable of making his own choices. I don't see why you should make their relationship your business: it's not."
"Their relationship is unstable. If Gus will spend some time with them, he will get confused because one day they they're together, the next day they're not."
"Funny, it never mattered to you before. And whose relationship is stable, Linds? Ours?"
"I like to think so, yes. But I'm not talking about us. This is about our son well-being. Before, Gus was too young to understand things. Now he's older. It's hard enough for him to explain at school why he has two mothers. Do you want him to have to explain that he has two fathers too?"
Mel sighed. "Oh my God, you're making my head hurt with your line of thought. I can't understand your logic, I can't follow you. Since Brian and Justin met, you were one of Justin's biggest supporters. What changed now?"
"Justin had nothing to lose, Mel. He was a teenager. Now he loses a lot staying with an older man, who's already established, by the way, holding him back. Besides, I never really thought Brian would…"
"What, you supported Justin because deep down you always thought it would never going to work?" Mel snapped.
Lindsay got up, face red. "I didn't say that; don't put words in my mouth. I love Brian, but I can't trust his stability. I don't want him to let Gus down, ever. Gus is my son. I'm the one who decides about his life."
Mel got up too and faced Lindsay, suddenly very calm. "Don't forget that Gus is my son too. I have a say in his life as much as you do. You can't decide anything about his future without me. And I want some time to think about Brian's request."
"Why are you doing this to me, Mel? You're against me too? I just want to protect our son! Please, don't take Brian's side just to hurt me. Are you angry with me? Why?"
"I didn't take Brian's side, as you say, Lindsay, because this is not a war. I'm a lawyer…I tend to see both sides of a problem. This is just a request made by Gus's father. He helped us lots of times, even if it's hard for my pride to admit it. He may not be my favorite person in the world, but he is, or was, your favorite person, and he has always been there for you. His request seems fair to me, I don't see why it's such a big deal to you. You motives to say no without even consider thinking about it, on the other hand, don't seem clear at all. You're not making any sense. But most of all, it's Gus I'm thinking about," Mel said almost in one breath.
"Listen, Mel…"
"No, Linds. I think you should take some time to think about the real motives behind your actions. Maybe you're confused, depressed, I don't know...and you're making me feel confused and depressed too. Maybe…I don't think you really know why you're acting like this. But you need to think about it, because you're turning our lives into a piece of shit. And when you understand your reasons, please, explain them to me…because right now, I feel like I don't know who you are anymore."
"Mel…"
Mel's cell phone rang and the brunette automatically opened it, desperate for a way out of this painful conversation, fighting the tears that were threatening to come. "Hello," she said, her voice cracking a little. "Oh…Okay, Brian. Listen…if you want to stay in the car…I'll go and get him. Sure. Bye."
Mel turned to Lindsay again and spoke, not quite looking at her: "Brian and Justin are outside in the car with Gus. I'm going there to get him. None of them want to come in right now and I can't say I blame them.
"Now I'm guilty of every bad thing that happens, right? You've already made up your mind about me." Lindsay shook her head sadly and turned towards the living room, going up the stairs without another word.
Mel blinked several times and took a deep breath to compose herself. Then she opened the door and went to get her son.
--- --- --- --- ---
Even though Brian and Justin left the diner in a good mood, the drive back home was quiet. It was as if they didn't know what to say and were afraid to break the spell of the night. Gus had made them promise that they would see him next weekend, but Mel's serious and unhappy face when she came to pick him at the car – although she tried to hide it – left them worried that seeing the boy wasn't going to be that simple.
Justin looked at the elevator's floor as it went up, hearing Brian tapping his foot impatiently and knowing that the brunet was probably more than a little worried because of the conversation he knew they were about to have. The blond reached out and squeezed Brian's hand lightly, offering him a reassuring smile. Brian smiled back at him but the smile didn't reach his eyes.
The elevator had barely stopped and Brian was already opening its door and dashing to the loft's door. He opened it and all but rushed inside, tossing his jacket on the sofa and mumbling to Justin "I gotta pee, be right back" over his shoulder and disappearing inside the bathroom closing the door firmly behind him.
"What the hell…?" Justin thought. Was Brian freaking out because of Mel's behavior, fearing it would be hard to see Gus again? Justin knew how this would affect Brian. After all, Mel had been the one who had helped them that night; uncharacteristically, but true. With Lindsay going all bitchy on them, Mel was, apparently, their only ally. Had the brunette changed her mind?
Or was Brian trying to run away from their talk? "Oh, no, Kinney, you won't," Justin murmured to himself. "Even if I have to drag you out of this damn bathroom, we will talk."
… … …
Brian really needed to pee. But he knew he was stalling too. He flushed the toilet, zipped his pants, washed his hands and splashed his face with cold water. It wasn't as though he needed to summon up courage to talk to Justin. He could do that. But it was already hard to admit to himself the harsh things that Lindsay had said to him. He cringed inwardly just to think about them…having to repeat them wouldn't be easy.
If they were true or not was another whole different matter. He didn't, couldn't even start to think about that. But he knew that the moment he said them out loud to Justin, he would have to face them, he would have to think about them. He kept hearing Lindsay's words. ´He was selfish. He couldn't be trusted.´ Deep down he wanted to say she was wrong, but was she, really? What had he ever done to earn anyone's trust? To show he cared? How many times had he toyed with people, Justin included?
So, yes, he was hiding in the bathroom, stalling. Not that he was a coward. He just didn't want to face something that he knew would hurt. He was just tired of hurting. For a brief moment he entertained the idea of not telling the blond everything. But Justin deserved better, and Brian knew he wouldn't be able to look at the young man's eyes and say half-truths. He needed to say it all, no matter how they would twist his insides.
Brian looked at his own reflection I the mirror. Still perfect on the outside, he analyzed coldly. So twisted inside, he mused. "Shit," he breathed, "Stop being so pathetic. He is waiting for you. Go there and tell the man every fucking thing he wants to know about you. He deserves no less. Even if…" Brian gulped and splashed his face again. "…even if it drives him away."
… … …
Justin was sitting at the sofa, eyes closed, legs outstretched on the coffee table, waiting. He heard soft footsteps and opened his eyes. There was Brian, standing by his side, looking at him. The blond reached for Brian's hand again and tugged at it, making Brian sit down beside him.
"You okay?" Justin asked, sitting straight.
"Yeah."
They just looked at each other for a few heartbeats. Then Justin, never letting go of Brian's hand, squeezed it and simply said, "Talk to me, Brian."
Brian sighed. "Okay…anything you want."
Justin raised his eyebrows, surprised. "Did I just hear that?"
"I promised, didn't I?" Brian clarified.
Justin put his hand on Brian's arm. "Okay…since you're so willing…" he said, trying to lighten the mood, but then he turned serious again. He gently held Brian's face with his hands until his foreheads were touching. "What do you want, Brian?"
"What do you mean?" Brian asked quietly.
Justin shrugged almost imperceptibly. "Just that. I want to know what you want."
Brian took a few breaths, eyes closed, as in deep thought. But he knew what he wanted; he just didn't know how to say it. "I…" he tried. "I want to try this…I mean…us. I want us, Justin," he admitted. "I mean, if that's what you want."
"You know it is," Justin said, knowing that for Mr. "I don't need anybody" it was a big step to admit he wanted them together. Not that the blond already didn't know that.
"But it's so damn hard…" Brian said, voice strained, still not looking at Justin.
"No, it's not. If you want it, and if I want it too, we can make it work. Together. But Brian…if we are together, we are together, okay? No more hiding."
Brian only sighed. "I already told you…I'll probably fuck this up." He opened his hazel eyes and stared, expression guarded.
"So? I'll probably do the same."
"Still…I know I'll fuck it up a lot more than you."
Justin chuckle slightly. "Is this a contest?" He kissed Brian lightly on the mouth. "Can I say something?"
Brian looked at him openly for the first time that night. "You know you can tell me anything."
"Okay. Look, Brian…I don't need monogamy from you. Of course I don't want you tricking in my face, but I too, like to have the possibility of tricking. And I don't need love letters and big romantic gestures. I don't even need to hear that you love me."
"But I already said it."
Justin smiled. "And I already know how you feel. But, if you're with me, I want all of you. Or at least, I want to know you're not hiding, or trying to push me away. Because it hurts; it's like you don't trust me…like you doubt that I'll be there to help you if you fall."
"But I trust you, you know it."
"I try to believe it, Brian…but sometimes you show me just the opposite, when you hide things from me, like you did these past days. When you have a problem, you don't rely on me, and I want you to. That's what being a partner is about."
"Shit, you say this as if it's the easiest thing in the world. I've never…" Brian ran his hand through his hair. "I've never relied on anyone before. It's…complicated."
Justin sighed. This was going to be hard. "Can you at least try? For me?"
Brian only nodded and sighed.
"Good." Justin released Brian's face and looked at him pointedly but as gently as he could. "What did Lindsay say to you yesterday? I have an Idea, but I'd like to hear it from you."
"Shit," Brian mumbled, getting up.
"Please, Brian. Last night you were a complete mess and this morning… all that talk about me sacrificing my career to be in Pittsburgh with you…"
"Isn't it true?" Brian's tone was barely controlled.
"Please, stop it."
"Okay," he said. "Let's leave that for later. But – "
"Please, answer me. You said I could ask anything I wanted, and I want to know…what the hell was that about? What did Lindsay say to you?" Justin said as soft as he could, but inside he was so anxious that he could practically jump from the sofa.
Brian paced the room uncomfortable of Justin's gaze. "Uh…yesterday I went to see Gus and Lindsay, she…well, Mel talked to her about me wanting to give my name to Gus…" Brian snorted. "And here I thought Mel would be the one to bitch about it, but it was Lindsay."
"So Lindsay gave you a hard time."
Brian nodded. "She did more than that. She not only objected, but she did it in big style. You know, in that soft, polite and sweet tone of hers. She…basically said that she will never allow me to give Gus my name because I'll end up hurting the boy."
Justin almost laughed at the ridiculous idea. "Hurting Gus? You? You would rather die before hurting your son."
"Apparently she doesn't agree with you, Sunshine," Brian gave a short, bitter laugh. "I wonder if she's been talking to saint Joan recently. Last time we met, Joan said to me 'like father, like son' and yesterday, Lindsay said she thinks I'll hurt Gus. Fuck, they're all alike."
Justin saw the pain in Brian's eyes and his heart ached for him. "I'm sure she didn't mean that you'd ever hurt Gus physically, Brian."
"And what difference does it make?" Brian snorted. "You know that someone can hurt you emotionally too, and it can be as bad as a punch or a slap in the face."
Justin thought about the only time Craig slapped him. Then he remembered when his father didn't go see him at the hospital, or when he refused to pay for his college, or when he had his own son arrested…Brian was right. Craig's actions had hurt Justin more than the slap.
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Justin murmured. "But still…she should know that you'll never hurt Gus, you'll never let him suffer intentionally. To think that you could ever do that it's just…fucked up."
"Well…she thinks I'm the fucked up one."
"I don't get it, Brian. Call me stupid, but I really don't. What does the fact that you wanna give your name to your son has to do with hurting him in any way, for Christ's sake?"
Brian suddenly got up and started to pace, like a caged lion. "She said I ignored him when he was born," he said with clouded eyes. "And I know that she's right. At least…partially. I was a drop-in dad for a long time. But things…things changed. And I was already spending more time with Gus when they decided to move to Canada. I have been spending more time with Gus lately."
"I know, Brian. Everybody knows."
"Well, she doesn't!" Brian almost yelled now. Then he stopped, took a few breaths and Justin could see him trying his best to calm himself again. "She said I'm…unstable. Hard to…" Brian gulped and took another deep breath, before going on. "Hard to trust."
"What the hell?" Justin got up as well, his hands on his hips, angry at Lindsay like he had never been before.
"She…said that I can change my mind any minute. That today I want to give Gus my name…tomorrow I'll want his guardianship, my parental rights back…than I can change my mind again and leave him behind to live my own life, and he'll end up heartbroken," Brian said almost in one breath, his voice hoarse, trying to control his anger at Lindsay's words. "This is just so…How can she…" he stopped, at a loss of words.
"God! That's the craziest thing I've ever heard! She's out of her fucking mind! What that hell made her think you'd ever do something like that to Gus?"
Brian turned his back on Justin and his shoulders dropped a little. "You."
"Sorry?" Justin asked, blinking astonished. "I thought I heard you say it was…me…?"
"I did," Brian said.
Justin stepped forward and grabbed Brian's arm, making him turn. "What the hell do you mean?"
"I mean that…according to Lindsay I…I put you through hell and she…"fears" I'll do the same with Gus. She said she's trying to protect him."
"Protect him from you?" Justin was astonished. "I still don't get it. And what do I have to do with anything?"
Brian looked into Justin's eyes with so much pain that Justin almost flinched. "You really wanna know?" he asked between angry and hurt. "Okay! She said that I…treated you like shit when we met. That I only thought about me and you always stayed, even though I gave you nothing in return. That I decided that I…that I loved you only because you almost died, and then I asked you to marry me to stop you from going to New York," Brian closed his eyes and breathed deeply, hands trembling.
"No, Brian…"
"Oh, I didn't finish." Brian said in a rush. "Later, when you were in Europe, having the time of your life, I disappeared on purpose, almost killing myself, only to force you to come back. Now you're stuck here with me because you're good and loyal, and you gave up your drams for me. And me? I'm manipulative, selfish, basically an asshole, who'll get tired of you sooner or later and – "
"Stop it!" Justin said, grabbing Brian's arms and shaking him slightly. "Stop it, Brian."
Brian tried to free himself and looked at the floor, shaking slightly. "Why? You're really wasting your time here with me, Justin. I'm a piece of – "
"I said stop it! You are the man I love!" Justin shook him again. "Don't talk like that about yourself in my presence, ever again. I love you. Is it so hard for you to understand? I. Love. You. Open that stubborn skull of yours and accept it, for Christ's sake!
"But you shouldn't. This will only turn you into someone as bitter as m – fuck, Justin, are you blind or what?"
"I'm not blind, but maybe you are! Listen: I want to stay with you, here in Pittsburgh, and the rest be damned. I don't give a shit what people say, Brian. I loved you since day one, and you know what changed, in all these years? Nothing."
"Oh, God," Brian closed his eyes tight. "Don't do that…You don't know what you're losing. There's so much you need to do…your life's gonna be so…"
Justin put his hand on Brian's chin. "I'm not losing anything staying with you. Because you are part of me, and without you my life is gonna be shit, you hear me? Can you understand that? Can you understand that I really, truly don't want to live without you, Brian Kinney?" Brian didn't answer. "Look at me, Brian," Justin insisted.
"I can't," Brian opened his eyes but looked down. "God, I…It's…"
Justin wanted to weep, throw something, anything to take Brian out of his stubbornness. "Shit!" He threw his hands to the air. He decided to risk everything, to get through Brian's thick wall. If this didn't work, nothing would. "Do you want me to give up, Brian? Is that what you want?" Justin could feel is eyes wet and his voice quivering. "Because at this point, I'll do it, I swear. If you tell me that you can't at least try…then there won't be an us.
Brian raised his head, alarmed. They were wide and troubled and what Justin saw in them was clear: panic. "Don't," he said, almost inaudible.
"This is serious. I never meant something more in my whole life. Being here, with you, is my decision, and it's already made…But you need to be with me in this too. We fight for us together, or we don't fight at all. I'm not doing it alone."
"Would you leave me again?" Brian asked, unable to hide his pain anymore.
Justin sighed. "You don't understand. I want nothing more than to stay with you. But I won't be pushed away again." Justin shrugged helplessly. "As you once said to me…it's your call. I'm yours, Brian. I'll always be yours, for as long as you'll have me."
Brian let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding and slowly raised his hand toward Justin's face. His thumb traced the blond's lower lip with so much care and emotion, looking so relieved, that Justin's stomach fluttered. "Forever, then," Brian murmured softly.
Justin gave a whimper and launched himself in Brian's arms, kissing him with a hunger bordering desperation. He loved Brian with every fiber of his being; he wanted him with every cell of his body. It was him, only him that could make Justin feel truly alive. It wasn't his art, it wasn't New York or Paris or Rome…not even all the fucking money in the whole world. It was just this man, right here in his arms; the only one that could make Justin feel like he belonged.
Brian opened his mouth and allowed Justin tongue to invade him. He felt intoxicated by the blond's kiss; it was the only kiss that had ever made him dizzy in his whole life. Justin was the only one who made Brian feel truly wanted for who he really was. Not the 'great Brian Kinney', but simply Brian.
"I want you so much,' Justin murmured between kisses. He felt unable to stop kissing Brian, as if the brunet would vanish if Justin took his lips from Brian's ones. So good, so wonderful, so Brian. "Can you feel how much I want you?" he asked, putting Brian's hand on his crotch, hot as molten lava.
Brian touched him and moaned, gasping for air. "God, Justin. Want you too."
They kneeled on the carpet, still kissing, the bed suddenly too far for them to stop and bother going there. In a question of minutes there were no more clothes between them, only skin on skin and hearts beating fast.
"Brian…"Justin moaned, trembling with want.
Suddenly Brian was on top of the young man, kissing and nipping at his neck and his collar bone and all Justin could do was burry his fingers in Brian's hair and moan even loudly. When Brian attacked his torso and nipples, Justin sighed and it was hard not to come right then. He was so turned on that every touch seemed liked fire to him, every flick of Brian's tongue on his body made him lose all pretense of control.
When Brian's tongue found his erection, and his mouth enveloped him in a warm cocoon, Justin couldn't control himself anymore. "Oh, my God," he exploded, grabbing Brian's head roughly, and he started coming in his lover's mouth with such an intensity that for a moment he forgot where and who he was.
Justin breathed deeply, smiling content and sated for a few seconds, while Brian rested his head on his thigh. After a while, Brian kneeled again above him, reaching for the lube and condom he always kept for emergencies between the cushions on the sofa, and Justin saw how hard he still was.
"Come here, I want you," he said, eyes hungry at Brian's beautiful hardness; and suddenly he felt himself growing hard again, as if he hadn't come minutes ago.
"Come and get me," Brian said smiling.
"My pleasure," Justin said, taking advantage of Brian's distraction and sweeping him on the floor. Now on top, the young man took the lube from Brian's hands and opened it, unceremoniously starting to prepare himself.
"Fuck, Justin…you're so beautiful…" Brian said with lust-filled eyes while he watched Justin opening himself for him. It just had to be the most erotic thing the brunet had ever seen in his life.
Soon Justin was ready and he didn't want to wait, couldn't wait any longer. Looking deeply into Brian's eyes and letting the brunet see all the desire that was consuming him, he straddled Brian and slowly sat down, feeling goose bumps all over as he felt Brian slowly filling his body, his senses, his very being. Immersed in Brian's scent as the brunet's warm hands began to caress his torso, Justin felt truly free, like he could fly, like nothing bad could ever happen to him. He lost track of time as he began to rock in synchrony with Brian, who began to thrust upwards, going even deeper inside the young man.
It was beautiful how they moved in perfect synchrony, like they have been made for each other. Each movement of Justin's hips matched one of Brian's, and the primal burning he felt slowly escalating inside himself threatened to explode. He didn't want to come now, though; Justin wanted to wait for Brian, because man, he knew how to moan, and Brian's moans turned Justin on like few things could.
"Touch yourself for me." Brian whispered, keeping his eyes on Justin's. "You're beautiful like this," and the blond obliged, feeling heat all over and a tingling sensation in the base of his spine. He barely registered the unintelligible noises that Brian was making at the sight of Justin touching himself. All he could see was Brian's bright hazel eyes and hear Brian's disconnected words, and he knew the older man was completely lost in the pleasure too. They were lost together.
Suddenly, Brian came in a shuddering roar, and he trembled for several minutes, moaning loudly and unashamed, head threw back in complete ecstasy. Justin kept rocking, but then he forgot everything as he came again, this time more powerfully than before, and he said Brian's name like a mantra, a prayer, a wish that this thing they had, right here, right now, would never end.
Brian held Justin's head with both hands and looked into his blue eyes, his hazel ones dark with emotion. "I love you, Justin. You have no idea how much."
And Justin forgot how to breathe.
…
Later, they were spooned on the bed, and Justin felt Brian's torso against his back. The older man pulled the thick duvet over them and rested his arm protectively over Justin.
"Brian?" Justin asked after a while, feeling Brian's warm and steady breath on the back of his neck.
For a few seconds Brian didn't answer, and Justin thought that he was already asleep. But then he heard Brian's sleepy "Mmmm?" and he smiled.
"Did you really mean forever?"
Brian caressed Justin's arm. His voice was sleepy and very low, and Justin couldn't be sure if he was fully awake. But what he said was clear in the silence of the loft and Justin heard it perfectly. "I meant…I don't…I don't understand why you want such a thing, but…if you do…I'm yours too."
Justin smiled and closed his eyes, but before he surrendered to sleep, he said smiling, "You're mine."
"Sleep, Sunshine," Brian barely murmured, already claimed by exhaustion.
"Okay," Justin answered, and in that moment, he really believed, for the first time in his life, that 'forever' was something possible and not so far away.