Chapter thirty-eight: Showing emotion

Lora decided to stop by at her apartment after going to see Mitch. She needed at least a small bit of time to be alone, as being around others and having to sort out emotional issues had taken a toll on her. Keeping a straight face and acting as though she was holding up fine was easy. She had no problem doing that. It became a slight issue when she had to do it for a while without taking any breaks.

Lora unlocked and entered the apartment, shutting the front door before leaning on it, sliding down to the floor. She stared blankly across the room for a few moments.

She clenched her fists at her sides, then banging one on the floor and letting out a frustrated sound.

It wasn't as though she wanted to feel irritated. She didn't ask to be stressed out human emotions. Wasn't that Mitch's thing? No, Mitch was awkward with human contact, but not exactly with emotions, at least not to her level. Lora didn't mind human contact. That was part of the problem, she supposed. It hardly fazed her at all most of the time. A lot of things simply didn't faze her at all, in a way that wasn't really thought of as normal.

She was able to show emotion. She could relate. But only when she was really trying to do so. She didn't really want to show how burnt out and irritated she was over this to anyone else. She wanted them to think she was understanding, lovable- other words like that, which didn't always hold meaning to her. She really did have to try with it, to make sure she didn't suddenly say something like 'your feelings are illogical' when someone was crying in front of her. Well, she at least tried to be sympathetic while still explaining why something was illogical.

She understood things. She really did. She had feelings and she saw the feelings of others as real and respectable. She just had to try a bit to make sure others knew that. They couldn't just know what she felt unless she said it out loud, no matter how much she wished people could just know without her having to speak up.

It was difficult to express yourself at times. Saying things like 'we're friends' or 'I don't hate you', which weren't even that impressive to people who were… not like her, were more difficult for her to spit out. Even though she was sure it must have seen like she wasn't having any difficulties, it took a certain amount of willpower.

She did feel fondness for others. Saying so out loud seemed almost scary. Words were for speaking reasonable things, and feelings seemed somewhat less reasonable. Feelings were confusing and didn't always fit well with her words, which were usually certain and precise. Turning feelings into words was difficult.

She wasn't sure why she had such a hard time with showing emotion. Perhaps it was because her father had always told her that showing emotion was like showing weakness. She disagreed with that, of course, but she had believed him early on in her life. Sometimes words stick, and can be the most damaging things. Mental wounds can last longer than physical ones.

At least the people she had been dealing with lately were slightly self-absorbed and didn't pay her own feelings as much mind. Else they might notice something was off. They did ask things, but any answers were accepted easily. These people were happy enough with anything non-negative they could get in this situation, which was why everything was easier to effect, Lora felt. It was why everyone was a little less at each other's throats. That was, of course, an advantage of sorts for her.

When it came to family Lora was different, though. She wasn't completely sure why. Perhaps because it seemed like they already knew that she loved them more than anything, and that speaking it became so much easier after that. They being her daughter and late brother. Her father had never been put into the 'family' category. Her family might have been connected to her by blood, but she still chose them herself. Her father was never a choice, just something that was inescapable.

Brother. That word felt a little heavy now. They hadn't shared the same mother, and that had allowed him to live a different life. Different, yet they shared things with each other, that had always been clear. They had both thought of themselves as being the only child in their 'family'. Finding each other had been so wonderful. Nobody had ever understood Lora like he had. They had their differences, so many differences, but they had still just…

Lora found herself starting to choke up, and despite trying to avoid it the tears still ran down her face. She let them come, telling herself that if she did she'd be able to regain composure again and get back to being useful in some way.

She rubbed the tears from her eyes, thinking about Jack now. She couldn't be angry at an innocent man. Or even an innocent creature. Some small part of her wanted to be angry at him, angry at something- and she was angry, she was angry at the ones who had fucked up the cure. The cure was a stupid idea in the first place, but stupidity and cruelty weren't the same things. Jack didn't act like a monster, he was just another broken man. She couldn't pin blame on him even if she wanted to, which she mostly didn't. The small part of her that did want to be angry was just looking for someone to blame. She had something to blame, but perhaps that she couldn't currently reach what she was blaming was what was causing the problem.

Blaming Jack was irrational, but he was something she could get to. Who knows how long it might take to get to the organization? For some people lashing out at things even when it didn't make enough sense was just easiest, as they had to take their stress out on something. For Lora, she was certain it wasn't that simple, as she would never be satisfied with a petty revenge on someone more or less innocent.

Nothing was ever going to be easy, though. True monsters were hard to find. Even the things that seem like monsters can sometimes turn out to be something else. That didn't mean they were always 'good' but still not pure evil or some bullshit like that. Usually just sad, miserable unlovable people in the end. There was nothing more pitiful than that.

A piece of a memory flashed in Lora's mind. Her father standing tall in front of her, still spitting out venomous words even in the end. Speed forward a few moments and he's on the floor, never to move again. He's not tall anymore, not the intimidating man she thought he had been. Was he always that small? He looked like he had stopped eating at some point. She didn't know why she didn't see it before. He no longer scared her. She no longer even felt that deep anger for him. Instead when she saw him crumpled and lifeless at her feet, she felt something else. It wasn't sadness, no. She felt… disappointment. Self-disgust. A bit of regret.

In the end, she had been just as horrible as he had been. He was really just a sad and sick man, a man who had caused his own child to hate him. If that wasn't sad she didn't know what was. Even if he thought he was happy like that, he probably just had never known any proper sort of happiness. He couldn't feel sadness for himself, so she had to feel it for him- just so someone would. Not sadness for his death, but sadness for his life.

Which meant she wasn't horrible, as that wasn't what he had been.

What it really made her was pitiful.

After that she could never completely hate people. She could hate their actions, but the person behind those horrible things was just another sad, sick, pitiful person. Revenge was to be avoided. All she tried to do now she make sure more people weren't hurt by bad actions, and she tried to avoid violent methods as much as she could.

Lora frowned and slapped herself lightly, trying to take her mind off of those things. The past couldn't be changed. She could learn from it, but dwelling on it unnecessarily would not help anyone. She had already said that to Jack earlier. If she couldn't listen to her own lectures she certainly couldn't give them to others.

She growled, grabbing her phone in order to send a text message to Winston, informing him about her 'success' with Mitch. It should've been done earlier, really, but she'd get it over with now.

She stuck the phone in her pocket and stood up, determined not to mope too long. That had been enough as far as she was concerned. Dealing with the emotions of others could be draining, but getting lost in her own emotions could be a nightmare. She wanted to do some kind of work sometime soon, perhaps avoid emotional issues for a while. There was hardly much to do in the apartment, though, and it didn't really help make her less prone to suddenly being sniffly by being in it. She'd be out of it soon enough.

For the bit of time she had left to be in it she decided to make herself some tea.

That, and she was going to make sure to get her gun, which had been stowed away in the apartment and left alone for a long time now.

Somehow she felt that she might need it eventually if she kept working with her current teammates.