Darkness
"With the gratitude of his fellow Wardens, Kristoff joins those who have sacrificed themselves for the greater good. We honor his sacrifice, we pay tribute to his dedication to duty. We shall miss him until we return to the arms of our fallen brothers and sisters." Leonie took a deep breath, eyes damp. She kept her personal grief, her personal guilt about Kristoff's death, to herself. But there was a darkness in her, she felt it creeping along her thoughts, insidious and insistent.
"In death, sacrifice," Leonie finished with a nod to Aura.
The young widow came to stand by Kristoff's pyre and she slowly unraveled her long hair from its chignon before gathering the blonde stands into one hand. Leonie handed Aura her dagger.
"For my husband, whose name will reside in my heart always," Aura said, tears forming and beginning to slide silently down. She cut off her hair.
"My last gift to you, beloved husband," Aura whispered, placing the long hank of golden hair on his crossed arms.
With a nod to her fellow Wardens, Leonie picked up a lit torch and cried, "For the Grey Wardens!" and the others echoed the cry back to her. She bent her torch and lit the pyre and her Wardens, one by one, did the same.
Leonie watched silently as the smoke begin to curl and wing its way into the ocean of the night, lost to the stars. Only when she knew her own emotions were too close to the surface to contain did she turn, walking away from the others, trying to gather her emotions and her thoughts.
Her tears came unexpectedly. Tears for all her lost brothers, so many over the years that she couldn't even count them all. Her tears continued, sliding silently down her cheeks. Tears for her father. For Tremain. For Marcus. For Riordan. For Kristoff. For Duncan and for all the dreams that had died with him. How many more would she lose? That darkness bled into her, poisoning her emotions. She had to push it away. If she let herself dwell on those thoughts she would not be able to breathe.
Perched on a low retaining wall, she watched as her Wardens, silhouetted by the pyre, gathered around Aura, offering support. She heard their voices, a soft murmur of sound, like a breeze rustling through tall grass. She couldn't help but be proud of them but her heart ache, wondering if she would lose any of them, knowing it was impossible not to. She closed her eyes against the sudden painfully dark truth that she might have even less time with Loghain than she'd had with Duncan.
An arm slipped around her shoulders and she opened her eyes. Nathaniel was sitting beside her. "You look a little lost, Lion. This must be hard for you," he said quietly.
"I always tell myself that we shall endure, that is the nature of a Grey Warden. No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice, we shall endure. But it is difficult to believe at times," she admitted softly.
"I think it's particularly difficult because you didn't get this same closure for Duncan," Nathaniel said, his arm still warm and comforting as it rested lightly on her shoulders.
"In some ways, yes. In other ways I think it may be easier. I do not have the memory of him lying on his pyre to struggle against. I have only the picture of my beloved Rivaini pirate riding out of the Jader compound. That is a happier memory."
The tears came again, scalding against the cool night air. Nathaniel gave her shoulders a squeeze. "You always seem so strong. Tamra is in awe of you."
Leonie gave a mirthless laugh. "I assure you, Nathaniel, there is nothing to be in awe of. I cry, I yell, I make many, many mistakes, I lose my temper too easily."
"Oh," Nathaniel said with a twitch of his lips. "You mean you're human and not the second coming of Andraste?"
Leonie's laugh was more relaxed and natural. "I am definitely the former and not the latter," she agreed.
"I thought I'd never get over the anger I felt when I returned from the Free Marshes. You helped me with that, gave me a purpose, a place to put all that anger to good use. You placed a great deal of trust in me when nobody would even look at me without spitting on me. You may not be the second coming of Andraste, but you're not just another person either, Lion."
"You are a good man, Nathaniel, an honest man with a good heart. I am proud to call you brother," she said in reply, feeling unworthy and faintly embarrassed at his praise. "Now go find our newest Warden and enjoy some quiet time. Wardens never know how long such quiet will last," she ordered with a smile.
"Thank you," she added softly and he jumped down from his perch. She watched him disappear into the darkness.
She was just a human, as mortal and prone to mistakes and pride and stubbornness as any other. But his words gave her renewed strength, reminded her that her Wardens cared about her. That her family was here and she must live in the present, not look back. Press forward, she reminded herself once again. She stood up and walked along the retaining wall, concentrating on her balance rather than the dark thoughts that wanted to settle into her soul.
"Am I intruding?" Loghain asked quietly.
"I think perhaps I am not the best company tonight, Loghain," she responded and her sadness muted her voice.
"That was not my question." There was something in his voice that mirrored her own mood.
"You are not intruding. I merely sought to warn you that I am not good company," she finally said when it became apparent he was not leaving. He held a hand out to her and helped her down.
The wind was sharp and cold. Leonie had not noticed it earlier but her cloak was beginning to whip around her. She shivered, moving closer to Loghain. "I think we will awaken to a frost tomorrow," she found herself saying and then chastised herself for the inanity of her remark.
"Maker, next you'll want to discuss crop rotations," he growled, pulling her closer and wrapping his own cloak around them.
Leonie sighed. "It is my mood, Loghain. I can discuss inane things or I can weep and wail and wish for things that cannot be."
He stopped walking then, turning to face her. She couldn't make out his expression but she was sure he was either frowning or scowling. When he spoke, she realized it must be a scowl. "You are making the mistake that most commanders do. The self-pity and self-recriminations. To what end, I wonder?" he reproved, his tone almost as chilly as the night breeze.
"To what end?" Leonie asked incredulously. "To what end? Perhaps to prevent making the same mistakes again? To perhaps show that despite everything you are still capable of compassion?" she continued, her voice rising as she fought back tears and anger. "Do not tell me for a minute you have not had these thoughts. That you have not wanted to mourn the loss of your men. That you have not regretted what you have had to do for the sake of duty. That darkness has not cast shadows on your thoughts many times."
Loghain shook his head. "Don't presume to know what I think and don't think about this subject," he snarled.
Leonie wanted to laugh. And cry. They were going to have an argument. An argument she was provoking because she was sad and miserable. "Did I not warn you I was not good company," she muttered, moving away. "The very last thing I want to do is have a fight with you, Loghain."
"My intent was not to fight. My intent was to offer solace. It would seem I'm out of practice," he finally admitted dryly.
Over Loghain's shoulder she saw the pyre, still burning; a beacon of light in the bleak ocean of darkness. It was an affirmation that her sacred duty was worth the sacrifices. A gust of wind came up, shaking the leaves, sending some scurrying along the ground with helpless abandon. She stepped closer to him again.
"So it would seem," she agreed, but her smile was reasserting itself.
"I think perhaps we should open some brandy and celebrate this momentous occasion," she added, allowing herself to reach out and caress his cheek.
"Oh? What momentous occasion would that be?" he asked, leaning into the touch.
"We did not fight, even though I believe we both provoked each other. Surely that is an occasion worthy of Antivan brandy and a warm fire."
He snorted. "You are provoking, I will give you that."
"And you are vexatious. Yet here we are," she agreed, her smile growing brighter.
She let her arm entwine with his as they made their way back to the keep. The last of her dark mood was taken by the wind to scurry along the ground with the leaves and she was happy to let it go.
"We've finally broken through the rubble, Commander. As I suspected, it leads into the Deep Roads. We need to find the main opening and close it," Voldrik announced the following morning as she sat at her desk.
"I shall organize a party at once, Voldrik," Leonie assured him and stood up to move to the adjoining door. With a soft knock, she entered. He was standing at the large map of the arling that hung on one wall, deep in thought, brows knitted, arms folded.
"Loghain?" she finally said and he turned his head to look at her over his shoulder.
"Commander?"
"Voldrik has finally finished the task of removing the rubble in the lower cellars. I am taking a team in to investigate and while I am doing that I want you and Nathaniel to go to Amaranthine. I do not trust Constable Aidan to ensure the repairs to the city's defenses are being completed."
Loghain's scowl was both immediate and fierce. A lesser person would feel the urge to cower. Leonie merely release an internal sigh and stood with her hands behind her back, trying to look calm and relaxed.
"So," he sneered, "I'm to be your errand boy."
"Yes. Absolutely. I want to send my best tactician and strategist to Amaranthine as an errand boy," she returned sardonically. "I would never want him to actually inspect the city defenses and offer suggestions for improvements." The man's prickly pride would not best her, she promised herself, gripping her hands behind her back more tightly.
His brow lowered and his eyes narrowed. "More Orlesian tactics?" he asked sourly. "Confuse the enemy with flattery and sarcasm?"
Leonie raised a brow. "Or perhaps you could take an honest assessment of your abilities as a compliment?" she suggested dryly.
Loghain grunted, turning back to the map and Leonie, resisting the urge to roll her eyes, went to stand beside him. "I also want you and Nathaniel to visit Bann Delilah. She may be feeling overwhelmed by her new duties. Nathaniel can reassure her as only a brother can and you have a great deal of experience in these matters. You can perhaps offer her advice."
Snorting, Loghain looked at her again. She smiled at him calmly. "Your assessment is annoyingly sensible," he finally acknowledged with very little grace.
Biting back a triumphant smile, Leonie merely nodded and turned to go find the other Wardens. "Stay the night if it appears you cannot make it back to the Vigil before dark," she instructed as she started to leave. Loghain's hand on her shoulder stopped her.
"I – ," he began and hesitated. "Be careful," he finally said and squeezed her shoulder gently.
"You as well, Loghain," she responded softly.
Tamra was in her splintmail, greatsword in hand, when Leonie finally found her in the training yard. Alec, the young shepherd turned soldier was standing beside her as Tamra demonstrated a defensive stance.
Thrilled when Leonie explained their mission, Tamra went to gather her kit. It was not often Leonie saw a woman capable of swinging a greatsword with such precision but Tamra, for all her delicate air, was strong and her shoulders and arms powerful.
Anders, Sigrun and Tamra met her at the entrance to the cellars fifteen minutes later. Sigrun was explaining to Anders why she no longer wanted a puppy.
"They wet all over me, it smelled disgusting," she explained, wrinkling her noise in distaste.
"Perhaps you would be happier with a stuffed puppy?" Leonie teased as they started off.
Sigrun gasped, stopping in her tracks. Leonie frowned and looked at the dwarf, who was wearing a look of disbelief. "You mean you stuff little puppies?" she asked, horrified.
They entered the under cellars still laughing as Anders explained about dolls and stuffed animals. Ser Pounce was meowing plaintively at the discussion.
"Nate had a stuffed bear when he was a little boy. He carried that motley thing around for years. I think Delilah finally decided to launder it. Only a bit of stuffing remained by the time she was done. It broke poor Nate's heart to lose it," Tamra interjected and they were all laughing again until the first pull of darkspawn stung their blood.
"Do not be alarmed, Tamra, you are experiencing the taint in your blood sensing nearby darkspawn," Leonie reassured her newest recruit. Tamra nodded, scratching at her arms. Finally the young woman pulled out her greatsword.
They encountered several small groups of darkspawn, easily dispatched. Leonie was able to assess Tamra's skill in battle and was impressed by the woman. Not careless, but neither was she afraid to enter the fray.
Turning a corner, Leonie could not help but groan as a familiar pain pierced the back of her head. "Ogre," she muttered in disgust. "Always an ogre," she groused darkly.
"Don't be alarmed when Lion hurls herself at the brute. It's actually quite fun to watch," Anders warned Tamra. Leonie rolled her eyes at Anders and issued her orders.
"There is an emissary among the group. Emissaries are casters, Tamra, with powerful dark magic. Anders will paralyze him and you are to kill him immediately. Ignore everything else, just bring the caster down quickly, yes?" Leonie paused, looking at Tamra expectantly. The young woman nodded.
"Sigrun, there are three other darkspawn. Stay to the shadows and dispatch them quickly. I shall take the ogre. Anders, try and slow him down with ice if you can. And all of you be aware of shrieks. They often accompany ogres."
Leonie let her eyes travel to each Warden and they all nodded their understanding. With a ferocious battle cry, she surged forward, gaining the momentum needed to leap onto the ogre, weapons poised. No sooner had she dug the dagger into his chest and twisted then she heard and felt the ear splittingly shrill cries of the shrieks, piercing her brain like small shards of glass. She brought her sword up and plunged it in beside the dagger, twisting and then grunting with the effort. The ogre staggered and howled and fell with an earth shaking thud.
Tamra made short work of the emissary, sweeping her greatsword into an arc that took the emissary's head off in one graceful move. She immediately turned her attention to the shrieks, Leonie noticed approvingly.
Pulling her weapons out of the dead ogre Leonie went to join the woman. Another shriek materialized behind Tamara and before Leonie could yell a warning, the young woman fell with a surprised grunt of pain. Blood was dripping slowly to form a small pool under her prone figure but Anders, protected by Sigrun, was at Tamra's side as Leonie continued fighting the last two shrieks, her muscles humming as the adrenaline continued to pump into her blood.
"It's not bad, Lion. She'll be fine in no time," Anders assured with a grin as Tamra sat up groggily.
"He's right, Commander. My pride took the worst of it," the young woman remarked with a weak smile, examining the now closed wound, where a poultice was being wrapped in place with bandages.
"Sigrun, please fetch Voldrik and Maverlies. I think we found the darkspawn's main entrance point to the keep," Leonie instructed, sinking onto the stone floor as her adrenaline began to leak out of her, leaving her tired and her arms aching.
When Voldrik and Sergeant Maverlies made their way down to them, Voldrik pointed at a curious looking mechanism that Leonie hadn't noticed. "A barrier door! Aye, that'll do nicely," he nodded and grinned at Leonie.
"Best dwarven ingenuity money could buy. Keep those doors sealed and locked and the darkspawn haven't a chance of breaking through," he explained with a satisfied smile. Leonie watched in fascination as a series of steel doors began to close. When the last one had banged into place, they made their way out of the dark under cellars.
As the sun lowered into the western horizon, with streaks of brilliant crimson red and pumpkin orange limning the gathering clouds with proud determination, it became apparent that Nathaniel and Loghain would not make it back to the keep that night. Leonie swallowed her disappointment as she gathered with the others for dinner.
"Well at least there's more for us," Anders said philosophically when she told them not to expect Nathaniel and Loghain's return.
After the meal, Leonie went to her office and tried to work but her thoughts kept taking her to Loghain. She found she missed him, even though he had only been gone a short time. It was dangerous, she knew, to become so used to him being nearby that she felt his absence so keenly. Yet she couldn't help that the Vigil seemed emptier without his larger than life, charismatic and taciturn presence.
Finally giving up any hope of catching up on her correspondence, Leonie wandered upstairs to her bedchamber. The guard, a thickset man with a mild manner, gave her a brief nod.
"Good evening Alfrens," Leonie greeted and slipped into her room.
Wind whistled through the slats that now represented her window. She frowned at the noise. She hadn't heard it before but the wind had shifted during the day, blowing in once again from the Waking Sea. She could smell the brine scented air as it cried mournfully against the wood to be let in.
As she laid in bed, trying to block out the sound, her glowstone casting green shadows around the room, her thoughts once again turned to Loghain. She was unaccountably nervous about having a relationship with a man who lived only a few doors down the hallway. She had lived alone, learning to rely on herself, with Duncan living so far away, and it had made her stronger. Would living within arm's reach of Loghain weaken her? Make her less able to deal with the daily stresses of command? Her sigh joined the moaning of the wind, now strong enough to billow the curtains.
She growled, throwing the covers back and shrugged into her tunic and leggings. Slipping her feet into her soft leather boots, she stepped into the hallway. Alfrens immediately stood at attention.
"Is something the matter, Warden Commander?"
"Nothing that cannot be remedied by a visit to the larder and a large oilskin cloth. I shall return shortly, Alfrens," she assured him and started down the hallway. She turned, smiling. "Have you need of anything whilst I am in the kitchen, Alfrens?"
"I think I should go, Warden Commander," he began but she brushed his words aside.
"Nonsense. Stay and watch my room and I shall hurry," she promised.
She was surprised that the kitchen was in complete darkness. Usually the banked fire cast a warm glow against the walls and lanterns, turned low, were on the table for the Wardens who frequently awoke in the middle of the night hungry. As she groped clumsily around for a lantern, she barked her shin on a chair and let out a yelp of pain. She wished she had thought to bring her glowstone.
Leonie frowned. Her hands could not locate even one lantern along the length of the table Terrill used to prepare meals on. She felt a wedge of unease lodge in her stomach. She turned to make her way back to her room when a door blew open, allowing a cold gust of air to sweep into the kitchen. Cursing, she moved to close it.
The blow, sharp and unexpected, caught her on the back of her head. The pain exploded around her in white streaks that turned dark as her head screamed with an exquisite agony. Luckily, she thought as she pitched forward, it didn't appear it would last long as an onrushing darkness seemed to rise up and greet her.