*This is kind of going to be a parody of both the song uptown Funk and a part of Thor… so it'll be rather spoofy and silly lol.
It's taking place during the Thor movie, just after the interrupted coronation, and after Odin has told Thor that he is not king yet and therefore will not call the shots and go to Jotunheim to punish the frost giants. Again, it's a parody, so things get sillier and stray from the actual movie events. Please enjoy ;P
Asgard Funk
Thor stormed into the empty hall in Asgard and angrily flipped a table laden with food, scattering the feast over the floor.
Sif, the Warriors Three, and Loki looked on in dismay at the display, but Thor merely turned and stomped over to a set of stairs, sitting down huffily. Fandral glanced to Loki.
"…You're the one with the silver tongue. Go talk to him," Fandral said with a shrug, giving Loki a slight shove towards the crown prince of Asgard, who sat brooding and glaring at the floor as if it had been the one who had interrupted his coronation.
Loki glanced worriedly at Sif and the Warriors Three. "What makes you think he'll listen to me? Father just told him he can't go and lay waste to Jotunheim. Naturally Thor is upset that he can't go and get his revenge on the beings that have delayed his kingship. What am I to do?"
"Just cheer him up," Volstagg encouraged. "You are his brother. Just remind him how powerful and brave and mighty he is, and that should lift his spirits. And then maybe we can all go down to the kitchens…" he looked sadly at the ruined feast on the floor.
Loki looked unconvinced, but went over to Thor's side and sat down, looking at his older brother with a friendly smile. "Well… for what it's worth, I think you're right about the frost giants and all. They are completely in the wrong, and Father should not be challenging your decisions at this point—after all, you were about to be made king."
"Exactly," Thor snapped, crossing his arms and fuming. "I am a warrior, and the future king, and I was about to be king, so why should I be sent away like a child, my counsel ignored?"
"I don't know, Thor," Loki shrugged helplessly.
Thor looked thoughtful for a moment.
"Um…" Loki said nervously. "…What's with the thinking face? You rarely get a thinking face, Thor…"
Thor waved his hand dismissively. "Shh… I'm getting an idea…" A slow smile spread over his lips. "Why… you know, Loki, you're right."
Loki's eyes lit with alarm. "Oh, Norns. What did I do this time?"
Thor sprang to his feet, striding forward purposefully to stand before Sif and the Warriors Three. "My friends, Loki has brought something to my attention."
"Has he now?" Volstagg asked happily. "Well, then, it's settled! We're off to the kitchens for a meal—"
"We should go to Jotunheim!" Thor interrupted, thrusting his fist into the air.
"Wait, what?" everyone else asked in unison.
"When did I say we should go to Jotunheim?" Loki asked in a panicked voice. "I said no such thing!"
"Well, you gave me the idea, but I am, of course, the brains behind the operation," Thor said with bombastic aplomb. "It has been brought to my attention that I was only about six seconds away from being king of Asgard, and so therefore it should be my decisions that we follow, and not the Allfather's," he explained to Sif and the others.
"…Um… I'm not sure that's how it works," Sif said slowly.
"Of course it is," Thor exclaimed. "Do you not agree that we should strike the Jotuns as soon as possible, and teach them a lesson that they cannot defeat Asgard?"
The warriors hesitated before starting to nod, a gleam of determination in their eyes. "That's true…"
"Then, my friends," Thor announced. "Do you not agree that we must make a trip to Jotunheim and make the frost giants understand once and for all that they must bend to the will of Asgard?"
"Aye! You're right! We agree!"
"Then the greatest warriors of Asgard shall go to Jotunheim and give it to them!" Thor cried. He paused and glanced at Loki. "…And Loki can come, too!" Loki's mouth dropped open slightly, and he raised a finger to protest Thor's obvious insult, but he had no time before Thor grinned and clapped each of his companions on the back. The golden prince of Asgard then charged out of the room, his red cape flapping behind him heroically. "To arms!"
Sif and the Warriors Three cheered (even Hogun) and raced after Thor.
"Oh, brother," Loki groaned, rubbing his temples. "This is going to end badly…" But he trudged after the others, feet dragging on the polished floor.
In the armory, Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three were equipping themselves with armor and weapons when Loki walked in. Sif was sifting through maces and swords, and she swung a blade downward through the air, as if testing its weight. The others were doing similar things as they peered through the selection. Thor seemed to be satisfied, already holding the mighty Mjolnir in his hand and tossing it from hand to hand impatiently. Loki sighed and grabbed a dagger before just waiting for everyone else to finish getting ready.
"Come on, my friends," Thor encouraged, snapping his fingers.
"We're just as excited as you. Those stupid frost giants won't even see us coming!" Fandral boasted.
Volstagg grinned. "I agree! The Allfather will never know, and we'll have vanquished Laufey and his goons before he's any the wiser!"
"Victory is drawing near! We'll show them the greatness of Asgard!" Sif said determinedly.
Loki just sighed and shook his head, pressing his palm to his forehead at the foolhardiness of these imbeciles. They were so stupid… nothing they could do could surprise him anymore. So he wasn't even mildly taken aback when Volstagg began humming, Fandral began rubbing a whetstone along a blade rhythmically, and Hogun tapped his foot on the floor to create a beat.
Thor looked pleased with the beat his friends had set up, and he started bobbing his head from side to side as he listened. Without warning, the god of thunder then burst into song.
"That sword
This hammer,"
Here he brandished Mjolnir and gestured grandly to himself.
"This gold prince—"
"With no manners,"
Loki sang under his breath, but Thor didn't seem to notice, continuing to bob his head while the warriors continued (Sif had joined in by twanging a bowstring of a bow that she had found). Thor kept singing.
"This one's for them Norsemen
For them horsemen
Them battlemasters!"
Now the golden prince led the way out of the room, his entourage following behind as they started strutting down the hall.
"Winking, drinking
Living in the realm eternal!
I'm underwhelmed by other realms
And I think that they're infernal!"
The Warriors Three fell into formation behind Thor like backup dancers while Thor twirled Sif. Loki rolled his eyes and trudged reluctantly behind the others as Thor continued singing loudly and skipping down the hall.
"I'm too great!"
"Oh, Norns…"
Loki muttered at Thor's haughty proclamation.
"Looking down on other realms with scorn!
I'm too great!"
"Oh, Norns…"
"Causing lightning and thunderstorms!"
Now the group emerged into the dining hall they had left a few minutes ago, and Thor marched purposefully towards the table he had knocked over earlier, followed quickly by the Warriors Three (though Sif and Loki stood back; Sif was still dancing, and Loki was just standing glumly with his arms crossed at their antics).
"I'm too great!"
"Oh, Norns…"
"I'm next in line cuz I'm first-born!
I'm too great!"
"Oh, Norns…"
Thor and the warriors managed to set the table upright, and Thor was the first to jump on top of it so he stood on the tabletop, looking out importantly over the mostly-empty room.
"And I'm proud of my hammer! Break it down."
The other three warriors jumped onto the table, standing behind Thor and stomping with their feet to keep the beat while Thor pretended to sing into Mjolnir as if it were some kind of Midgardian device that their minstrels used to sing into to magnify their voices.
"I have no compliance!"
Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun all let out tiny high-pitched cheers.
"I'm filled with defiance!"
Thor sang the next line, and his backup singers let out little cheers again.
"Let's kill frost giants!"
Their cheers were considerably louder at this line, and they began clapping to the beat as well.
"Cuz Asgard funk gon give it to you!"
"Asgard funk gon give it to you!"
Sif, Thor, and the Warriors Three all chanted together this time, all of them stomping and clapping the beat.
"Asgard funk gon give it to you!"
"We come out of every fight on top!"
Thor leaped off the table and landed on his knees, skidding across the floor dramatically until he slid to a stop just before Loki, looking up at his little brother with a huge grin.
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Loki made no reply, but instead just helped to heave Thor to his feet. Thor took this opportunity to go over to a barrel on one side of the room and fill a mug with ale.
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Sif cheered, jumping up on the table where Thor had been a few moments ago. Thor raised his mug in approval and took a large gulp while Loki looked on in disgust. Fandral struck a pose on the table and shouted out,
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Volstagg struck his own dramatic pose and sang out,
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Hogun seemed to hesitate for a moment before giving in and twirling before striking his own dramatic pose, to the cheers of his comrades.
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
All of them together then cheered,
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Thor dashed over to his friends and lifted his mug of ale in approval again before downing the rest of it while his friends roared in encouragement of his drinking. Then, with a flourish, Thor threw the mug down onto the floor, where it shattered.
"Smash!
I want another!"
He pointed to Loki, who was leaning unimpressedly against the wall.
"Bring a mug of ale, brother!"
Loki narrowed his eyes belligerently before he went to get another mug of ale. Thor didn't seem to notice when Loki spat into the mug before he handed it to Thor. In fact, Thor took only one large swig of the drink before smashing it onto the floor—still half-full. At first Loki thought it might have tasted funny, but Thor still looked unperturbed, prancing towards the door to the halls and singing,
"Take a sip, win a fight
Then brag about our might!"
Squealing like excited children, Sif and the Warriors Three dashed after their prince, followed by a less-than-enthusiastic Loki who carefully skirted the shattered remnants of the mug on the floor. They all ran and leaped joyously through the halls, heading towards the stables so that they could get their mounts. Sif was the one who led the chorusing of their song:
"We kill with such skill that we never get a scar!"
Thor slowed as they approached the doors to the stables, leaning arrogantly against the double doors and smirking as he sang,
"If we show up, we gon throw down
Better than the best Einherjar!"
The golden prince then flung open the doors to the stables with a huge bang, and he, Sif, and the Warriors Three stood in the entrance to the stables with intimidating poses and determined exaggerated expressions.
"I'm too great!"
Thor bragged
"Ah, blast…"
Loki grumbled as he pushed past the group into the stable, unimpressed by their dramatic entrance.
"My mightiness is unsurpassed,"
Thor cartwheeled into the stable and then vaulted himself into his horse's stall while the others went to their own horses.
"I'm too great!"
"Ah, blast…"
"Don't know the meaning of the word 'bombast!'"
The warriors were all tossing bridles, saddles, stirrups, and other various equipment to each other as they readied their horses for the ride to the Bifrost.
"I'm too great!"
"Ah, blast…"
"Jotunheim's bout to get outclassed!"
They all whooped and hollered at the prospect as they led their horses out of their stalls and stood grinning at each other, reveling in the knowledge that they were about to go and fight against frost giants (except for Loki, who still obviously would rather not be tagging along for the excursion. He'd much rather be staying here, and would much rather Thor be staying here where he was safe, too).
"I'm too great!"
"Ah, blast…"
"And I'm proud of my hammer! Break it down!"
Thor carelessly swung up into his saddle, not looking around as he did so. His foot accidentally knocked into the side of Loki's head as he mounted, and Loki stumbled back slightly, gasping in pain and glaring at Thor. Thor just looked patronizing and smiled encouragingly.
"Make sure your mind's not addled
Put on your horses' saddle
Now let's ride into battle!"
Prince Thor jabbed his heels into the horse's sides, and the horse reared, pawing at the air before charging out of the stables as Thor cried,
"Cuz Asgard funk gon give it to you!"
The others scrambled to mount their horses, giddy with excitement, and soon they were stampeding out of the stables as they echoed the battle cry.
"Asgard funk gon give it to you!
Asgard funk gon give it to you!"
A few moments later, the others managed to come to within shouting distance of Thor, who stayed in the lead as he yelled over his shoulder,
"We come out of every fight on top!
Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Sif pressed her horse harder, urging it to draw closer to Thor as she yelled back,
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Fandral laughed in triumph as he managed to overtake Sif's horse, leaving her behind as he was now in second place behind Thor.
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Volstagg happened to cut Loki off as the rotund warrior tried to pass Hogun, and Volstagg laughed heartily as he drew neck-and-neck with the often-silent warrior.
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Hogun drew his lips back in a savage smile and bent low over his horse as he drew ahead.
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
The warriors yelled together as they managed to finally make it to the end of the Rainbow Bridge, and dismounted. Thor led the way into the Observatory, followed by Sif, Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun. A few seconds passed before Loki dragged his feet on the way in to follow the procession. Heimdall stood in the center of the room, and he looked over the group wryly. The Gatekeeper and the younger prince shared a tired look at Thor's antics. Heimdall discreetly rolled his eyes, and Loki just shrugged helplessly. With a heavy sigh, Heimdall twisted his sword in the controls of the Bifrost, and, cheering, Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three were transported to Jotunheim. They didn't seem to notice that Loki hesitated a moment before stepping back, not following them to the realm of frost, instead remaining with Heimdall in the Observatory.
On Jotunheim, the Asgardians stood together, looking out over the frozen landscape. Thor beckoned his friends into a huddle, and he quietly sang to them.
"Before we leave….
Let me tell you a little something."
Thor started backing away from the group, alternately lifting each of his shoulders to the beat of his song.
"Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!
Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!"
He turned and led the way over the frozen tundra, continuing, and the others joined in the chanting as they entered the ruins of the city of Jotunheim.
"I said Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!
Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!"
Thor glared around at the empty ruins, not seeing any signs of life. No warriors appeared from the chilly darkness to challenge their trespassing, no frost giants coming out to answer the taunting call to arms that the Asgardians chanted. Frustrated with the lack of action, he puffed out his chest and strutted forward like a peacock, shouting into the silence.
"Come on, fight!
Impress me!
Come out and address me!"
Gradually, red eyes started to peer out from the darkness, staring wrathfully at the intruders. The other Asgardians looked a little unnerved, but Thor seemed unperturbed as he continued shouting.
"Your glares don't distress me!
Are you too scared to aggress me?"
At this last line, a Jotun dashed out and attacked the golden prince. Thor easily batted him away with Mjolnir, and another frosty warrior charged out, bellowing—Thor effortlessly defeated this one as well, swinging his hammer into his jaw and causing the giant to collapse. He laughed darkly, and looked around before singing again.
"Come on, fight!
You can't best me!
Your weak moves depress me!"
More frost giants emerged and converged on the group, and the place quickly exploded into a frenzied battle. Thor, surrounded by Jotuns, raised his hammer and then leaped into action, clobbering his enemies left and right as he screamed to his companions,
"We'll come out of this fight on top!
Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Sif threw up her sword just in time to block a jab from an icy spear, and she shoved her attacker back.
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Fandral cornered a frost giant and then mightily kicked his opponent off a high precipice, flicking hair out of his eyes as if this was all in a day's work.
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Volstagg narrowed his eyes as a group of five Jotuns advanced on him, but he merely jumped forward and belly-bumped the lead frost giant, sending him toppling back into the others behind him.
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Hogun, battling against a sizable frost giant, ducked as a sword of ice swung towards him, and he looked up to see that the warrior had ended up accidentally hitting one of his own kind with the sword.
"Don't believe me? Just watch!"
Altogether, the Asgardians yelled as they fought on,
"Don't believe me? Just watch!
Hey, hey, hey, oh!"
Even as the frost giants, greatly outnumbering the Asgardians, managed to push them back out of the city and towards the site of the Bifrost, the prince and his friends fought bravely, incessantly chanting as they defended themselves valiantly.
"Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!
Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!
Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!
Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!
Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!
Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!
Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!
Asgard funk you up, Asgard funk you up!"
By now, Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three were fairly close to the place where they had first arrived on Jotunheim, and it was clear that they were losing this battle—they would need a miracle to make it out alive.
Just then, a miracle happened. A column of rainbow light spilled down from the heavens, stabbing the frigid land with the power of the Bifrost. All the fighting abruptly ceased as it was revealed who had appeared from the Bifrost.
A group of Asgardian soldiers stood before the frost giants and misbehaving warriors. At the head of the group were King Odin and… Loki. Both of them were on their horses, looking regal and important.
Thor blinked, stunned. "Father! Loki! Join us in our fight, and we may defeat the Jotuns!"
"Silence!" Odin hissed. "Do you not realize what you have done? I told you to not come here!"
Thor stared for a moment, but then his shoulders slumped. "…But I thought it might be a good idea to…"
"Stupid Asgardian prince," one of the Jotuns growled to his friend, and Thor whipped around to glare at him.
"I apologize for what my eldest son has done," Odin continued more calmly, addressing the frost giants. The frost giants looked uncertain of how to respond to the king's apology. "I understand how foolhardy my son has been, and I intend to punish him accordingly. I ask that you forgive us and leave this in the past."
The giants huddled together, and the biggest one stepped forward. "…We accept your apology. It would be foolish to take this as an actual act of war, seeing as how these are only the actions of a boy. But we ask that you see to it that this one," he broke off and smacked Thor's shoulder sharply. "…Sees some real punishment. Banishment, perhaps, from Asgard, until he learns how to be worthy of being king."
Odin dipped his head in acknowledgment. "Thank you, Laufey, for your suggestion. I will take it into consideration while deciding on a fitting punishment."
Laufey nodded and he then backed away, leading his own warriors back towards their home.
Odin returned his gaze to Thor, and he narrowed his eye. "We're going home."
"But Father—" Thor whined.
"Don't 'but Father' me!" Odin snapped. "Heimdall, beam us up!"
The rainbow light shone down again, and soon they once again stood in the Observatory. It was only a few minutes before Thor, Loki, and Odin stood in the throne room, Sif and the Warriors Three waiting outside to talk to the Allfather afterward.
Odin, sitting on his throne, crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at Thor. "You're lucky that Loki came to get me and tell me what was going on."
Thor glanced quickly at Loki and gave him a mutinous look. Loki looked slightly smug and shrugged.
"At least I have one good and obedient son," Odin continued, shaking his head. "And as for you, Thor…"
Thor stood up straight, waiting for his sentence for his misbehavior.
"I intend to see you punished. You are confined to your quarters for the rest of the night, without supper, and you may not train with your friends for a week."
Thor's eyes widened. "What? Father, that is so unfair!"
"No, I've heard enough," Odin dismissed. "Loki, see to it that Thor makes it back to his room without any detours, and send Sif, Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun in so that I can tell them they'll be cleaning out the stables for the next month."
"You're ruining my life!" Thor accused the king before he stormed out, followed by Loki, who was trying very hard not to snicker at Thor's melodrama.
A few minutes later, Loki and Thor stood before the doors to Thor's room. Loki still looked rather satisfied with himself, and Thor had spent the entire walk in a brooding silence as he glared daggers at his little brother.
"Well, better get on into your room without supper," Loki chirped cheerily.
Thor punched Loki's shoulder. "You are such a tattletale! You stayed behind and told Father what we were doing? Unbelievable!"
Loki shrugged. "Well, one of us had to do the right thing, and it evidently wasn't going to be you…"
Thor smacked Loki's shoulder again. "Tattletale!" he repeated.
Loki suppressed a smile. "Thor, it could have been worse. You could have been banished until you learn how to be worthy, like Laufey suggested."
Thor scoffed. "Please. Father would never banish me. What would he do, strip me of my title and send me to Midgard, all alone, until I learn my lesson? And how would he know I'd learned my lesson: cast a spell on Mjolnir so I could only pick it up when I was worthy of being king?"
Loki considered for a long moment. "…You're right. That's silly."
Thor huffed.
"Well, at least I didn't have to go to Jotunheim," Loki mused. "I would have hated all that cold. I am not made for cold temperatures like that, you know, Thor." He delicately patted his cheeks. "Terrible for my skin: it dries out, and my lips get chapped…" he shook his head. "No, I was not made for Jotun frigid temperatures."
Thor gave Loki a disdainful look and headed into his room without comment and without supper.
Loki grinned and walked away, still rather pleased with himself.
Note from LoquaciousQuibbler: Loki dokey, then. Lol okay, I really enjoyed writing this one, even though it's probably one of the most stupid Helikaraokes I've done so far storywise. I really loved making the parody, and I tried really hard to not split up the lyrics all that much, so that's why this oneshot seems a little rushed and simply written. I really wish that I was capable of making music videos, because more than anything, this would work best as an actual music video lol.
I hope you don't mind the utter pointless silliness of this little oneshot, and I hope you enjoyed this parody.
The original song was Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson, featuring Bruno Mars. So I know I've mentioned the parody of this song called Ultron Funk, but, honestly, that is not my favorite parody of this song. My very favorite parody of Uptown Funk is actually Downton Funk, which is a Downton Abbey-themed parody, which can be found on YouTube, and is absolutely amazing. I strive to make my Uptown Funk parody as awesome as Downton Funk lol.
I hope you all have a Happy Valentine's Day (Loki's my valentine lol), and I hope you get lots of valentines and chocolates (because who needs a romantic partner? Just curl up watching Marvel with a box of chocolates! That's my plan, anyway… lol)…
Please favorite, follow, and review