Everything was quiet around the household the next morning. Everyone walked on eggshells, afraid of making too much noise or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Even King, who would normally be bouncing around the house at everyone's heels was remaining calm and quiet out in the yard.
Alabama had only left her room to stand by and watch as Sam and Dean salt and burned Matt's body in the far corner of the salvage yard, giving the hunter a proper send off. The young girl had remained close to Dean's side during the process, and the oldest Winchester simply wrapped an arm around her shoulders in comfort. During the funeral, Alabama clung tightly to the old denim jacket that belonged to Matt, and Rayan felt her heart lurch at the sight. She could remember clutching at Dean's old leather jacket during the four months that she was left without a father, quietly believing that if she wished hard enough something would bring Dean back home.
Rayan was lucky enough for her wish to come true.
As soon as the funeral was over, Alabama retreated back into the house without saying a word, not that there was anything that she could really say. Rayan followed the other girl soon after, leaving her father and uncle to make sure the flames didn't get out of control. But instead of turning into the house, Rayan wove her way through the various stacks of cars until she came to the old VW Bug that had become her kind of safe haven since she was a little girl. It was the place where none of the evil things in the world could ever touch her, or at least that was what she had told herself over the years.
And it was inside that old Bug that Sam found her three hours later, watching as the sky started to fade into a muted orange in the late evening sun.
"Hey, angel," Sam greeted Rayan softly as he tugged on the passenger's side door of the old car and folded his long limbs in beside his niece. "Your dad wanted me to let you know that supper's going to be ready in about ten minutes."
"I'm not really hungry," Rayan mumbled back as she stared at the cracked dashboard in front of her.
Sam nodded once in understanding, but continued to press the issue. "You really should eat something, Rayan. You skipped breakfast and lunch too."
"I'm just not in the mood to eat, okay?" Rayan snapped out as she ducked her head down to shift her stare from the dashboard to her hands playing with the hem of her shirt.
Sam sat back in his seat a little, only slightly surprised at Rayan's sudden lashing out. He'd be lying if Sam said that he'd never come into contact with his niece's angrier side.
"What's the matter, angel?" Sam questioned softly as he craned his neck a little to try and see Rayan's face clearly.
"Nothing's the matter," Rayan spit out before clenching her jaw tightly. Sam didn't miss the little twitch in the muscle on the left side of her face, marking her lie. It was one of the many common traits that she and Dean shared, and Sam had become a pro at picking up on the small indicator when it came to two of his closest family members.
He reached out and gently grasped Rayan's face with one hand, forcing her to look at him. Sam was devastated to see the drying tear tracks that painted his niece's cheeks. "You're lying," Sam demanded softly as he ran a thumb under Rayan's right eye. "Now, do you want to tell me the truth? Because you know I'm the better listener than your dad."
"Don't let Dad hear you say that," Rayan spoke with a small smile. "He'll call you a girl again."
"When does your dad not call me a girl?" Sam shot back. "Now stop distracting and start talking."
The small smile that Sam had managed to wrangle from his niece quickly disappeared, and she shifted her green eyes away from her uncle's face and back towards the ground. Rayan continued to remain silent, still trying to bottle up whatever was bothering her, which was another trait that she had annoyingly inherited from Dean.
"Rayan," Sam prompted, staring at his niece with a partial glare concealed in his hazel eyes.
"It's stupid," the young Winchester finally said, her nose scrunching up in irritation. "I'm just being really, really stupid."
"You're not being stupid," Sam scolded as he tried to adjust his large frame inside the small car to face his niece at a better angle. "Nothing that could be bothering you is stupid. Now tell me what's going on."
Rayan finally returned her green eyes to stare into Sam's hazel ones, and he could see a shine of fresh tears building up. He reached out and covered one of Rayan's small hands with one of his own, and gave it a small squeeze.
"It is stupid," Rayan demanded. "It's stupid and selfish because Alabama just lost her dad less than twenty four hours ago, and I'm out here wallowing in my own misery. I should be worried about her problems, not mine!"
"Slow down, angel," Sam soothed softly. "You're not making any sense here. What problems?"
"Last night, when we all watched Matt get torn apart by those hellhounds," Rayan whispered, her voice breaking slightly. "There was so much blood and….and all I could see was Dad lying there. That Dad was the one who had died again. It was like I was losing him all over again."
"So you're freaking out about imagining your dad's death," Sam concluded. "That's okay, angel. You have nothing to feel bad ab – "
"That's not what's bothering me!" Rayan interrupted loudly, making Sam abruptly close his mouth. "I wish that were what was wrong."
Sam waited a moment to collect his bearings before starting again. "Then what is it, Rayan?"
The air in the car was thick with tension as Sam waited silently for his niece to answer. He could see Rayan struggling to keep her emotions in check, something that she prided herself on being able to do for the most part. When she finally did speak, Sam was surprised at what she said.
"Did you know that I never cried after Dad died?"
The question she posed was simple and Rayan had asked it in nothing more than a whisper, but it struck Sam with as much force as a MAC truck. He'd always felt guilty about leaving Bobby and his niece for those four months that Dean was gone, and he'd never asked either of them about what had occurred while he was gone.
But to find out that Rayan, who had only been six at the time, had never grieved over Dean's loss was something that he never would have expected. He knew for a fact that even Bobby had shed a few tears late at night when no one else was around.
"Rayan," Sam began to respond to his niece softly, but she stopped him by holding up one of her hands.
"He was gone for four months and I couldn't work up a single tear. And god, if I didn't try. I wanted to feel sad, or hurt, or hell even heartbroken about Dad being gone. But all I could feel was angry."
She stopped for a moment, shutting her eyes and taking a few deep breaths to calm herself before continuing. Sam just stared at his niece, shocked at Rayan's willingness to share this with him. Another trait that Rayan shared with Dean was her reluctance to open up about emotions, and this was one giant bowl of emotion getting ready to explode.
"All I could feel was anger. I was mad that he didn't come home. I was mad that he promised me he would never leave and he did. I was mad that he just left me alone," Rayan seethed, beating her fist against the old steering wheel once. "I hated him, Uncle Sammy. I hated him. I – "
Rayan broke off, the sobs she had been holding back breaking free from her throat at gut-wrenching levels. Sam could feel his own eyes stinging, and he reached across the space between him and his niece to pull the girl closer to him. Rayan allowed Sam to wrap her in his arms, and buried her face in the crook of his neck as she sobbed.
"It's alright, angel," Sam whispered into Rayan's hair, trying to calm his niece down. "No one blames you."
"I blame me," Rayan mumbled almost incoherently. "All that hate, all of that came back up last night as I watched Matt lying there. For a minute I hated Dad again. Alabama's dad was lying on the ground…and all I could think about was how much I hated my own father. I'm such a bitch."
"No, you're not," Sam demanded as he wrapped Rayan tighter in his strong arms. "You're human, Rayan. Humans think like that sometimes. If you were a bitch, you wouldn't be hiding out in an old Bug to keep all of this away from Alabama."
No more words were said between the two. Instead, Sam continued to hold Rayan and rock slightly back and forth inside the car, letting the teen vent all of the emotion that she'd been bottling in. Probably since Dean had died that first time around. It was raw, heart wrenching pain and Sam would have been lying if he'd have said that a few tears didn't escape him during those minutes as well.
It was by shear coincidence that Sam looked up and out of the windshield at the same time that Dean walked around the front of a car coming from the direction of the house. As soon as the oldest Winchester caught sight of the pair inside the car, he pace kicked up to a jog and worry planted itself across his strong features.
Sam was quick to respond, shaking his head back and forth furiously in silent conversation, telling his brother to not get involved at the moment. Dean slowed and eventually stopped a few feet from the car, his gaze flickering back and forth between Rayan and Sam in confusion. Sam, always the best at communicating with his brother, signaled Dean that he would tell his older brother everything later.
Dean reluctantly agreed and he began to slowly back away from the scene, a mix of pain and grief showing on his face at his daughter's obviously distressed state. Sam knew it had always pained his brother to see his daughter in pain, more so emotional pain than physical. Dean could patch up physical pain, but emotional was nearly impossible for the oldest Winchester.
What Dean didn't understand was that Sam had no intention of letting his older brother know about the exchange between himself and Rayan. The one trait that Rayan had inherited from Sam was her respect for keeping things between one another unless otherwise specified. Or unless someone could get hurt. But Sam understood without Rayan even having to tell him that this conversation was meant to stay inside this old car, and that Dean was never to find out. Because the knowledge that Rayan, however young she might have been, had once hated her father would destroy Dean, which neither Sam or Rayan were willing to accept.
So Sam sat in this old car, slightly rocking his sobbing niece back and forth in his arms as he whispered soothing words in her ear, and Dean never found out what had been said between the two.
UUGGHHHH! That, my friends, was my frustration at this chapter. I'm not all together pleased with it, but it was the best I could get my brain to come up with tonight. I think it might have been because my happy mood, which doesn't work well when trying to put yourself into a sad/tearful mood. Either way, I hope no one is too disappointed, and I PROMISE that next chapter will be better. Cross my heart.
Fallen.