Chapter Thirty Seven

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

Alter Bridge – In loving Memory

"Carmen, your back?" Millie's arms wrapped around my hips for the second time today. We were standing in the social workers office. She'd let me have it after I told her the news of Millie's mother. I let out a tiny sigh, feeling the guilt wrench at me. Bending down I took her by the shoulders and hugged her close.

"Millie, I have something to tell you." I began, tears stinging at my own eyes. I'd done this a million times but never to a child, never to one as undeserving as this.

Leaning on my knees I pulled away and looked directly into her eyes. I owed this to her.

"I've spent all day looking for your mother, and I… I got justice for what happened." I told her, she looked me confused.

"I'm sorry, honey, your mother died." Millie's mouth formed a wide "o" before the tears erupted. I took her sobbing form into my arms, clutching her head to me. I closed my eyes forcing back my own tears.

"She fought baby, she fought to give you both a better life. It's important for you to remember that." I murmured into her shoulder, as her tiny body quivered. All her grief was in each quiet sob, and each time my heart wrenched that tiny bit harder, until all my dams broke and I was suddenly crying along with her over the injustice of it all. All I could do was tell her how sorry I was.

---

After leaving Millie in the car of the social worker and giving her, the picture of her mother I found myself at my next appointment trembling slightly. The pain from Millie still coursed through me mixed with the fear of what lay ahead. Doctor Marshall cleared his throat from over the desk; my eyes strayed to his kind features.

"To be honest I'm surprised to see you here Carmen, I got the impression you were avoiding me." I bowed my head with a tiny smile, staring at my hands.

"I was Doc." I confessed, I could feel myself on pins.

"I suppose you want to know what this is all about?" I stayed focused on my hands.

"I think I already do." I murmured. Doc Marshall took a deep breath.

"There's no easy way to say this Carmen." I exhaled as he spoke.

"When we opened you up for emergency surgery it was apparent that you had massive internal bleeding that wasn't caused from the stab wound, although that did contribute. It seems you suffered a sharp blow to the abdomen." I turned my head towards the window staring at the rain as it fell from the greying sky. I swallowed hard as the memories of that night flooded back.

"Mathew, he kicked me when I was down on the floor, the boots were steel toe capped." I managed to get out. My mouth was dry, I couldn't look at Doc Marshall, I didn't want to see the pity in those eyes.

"The kick, resulted in massive internal bleeding, coupled with the trauma of the stab wound, your womb was damaged, and although we managed to stem the bleeding to save your life, the damage it turns out was irreparable." The world around me shifted and rocked. A torrent of emotion whipping up inside me at the news.

"You're saying I can't have children?" I repeated the phrase that was running through my mind at a light speed capacity. The doctor nodded grimly. I looked up at the ceiling, tears stinging my eyes bitterly. I swallowed hard. Don's words were in my head.

"I'd like to have a family one day…loads of kids." I closed my eyes for a brief second whilst the room span. I stood up abruptly, surprising the Doctor and myself. I grabbed my coat and pulled it on.

"Thanks Doc." I muttered, snatching up my handbag, a numbness filling me. The doctor stood up as I moved towards his door quickly, his voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Wait Carmen, I am really sorry, there is help you can get, talk to a counsellor. Don't keep this to yourself." He said, I knew he was genuinely concerned. I swallowed hard forcing the hard lump in my throat down.

"Thanks Doc, I'll think about it." I told him before leaving the doctors surgery and breaking out into the rain.

---

I leant my head against my apartment door, taking a deep breath before putting the key in and turning it. I needed time to absorb this, to figure out what I was going to do, say, feel even.

Stepping into the apartment I found the lights off, and Flack sitting in the dark, flicking through the channels on the T.V with the remote, his face blank. My eyes strayed to the breakfast table, dinner laying their cold and untouched.

"Have nice time with O'Brian?" Flack asked switching the T.V off. There was silence between us, he didn't even look up. I closed the door softly behind me, and flicked the lights on. He turned his head towards me and in this vivid blue eye I saw pain and anger, emotions I couldn't even bring myself to feel right now.

"You think I was out with O'Brian?" I asked quietly, arms crossed tightly over my chest, my mind screaming for him not to do this, not now. He was on his feet now, standing in front of me.

"What am I supposed to think? We had plans."

"I'm sorry…I…" The words just wouldn't come out; I couldn't force them into the air. The silence loomed between us. I closed my eyes again fighting tears. Taking a deep breath, I tried to force all the tension out of my body, but got nowhere.

"You just what? You went out for a drink with O'Brian, maybe even two or three. I saw you outside the interrogation room, I saw him with his arms around you. For Christ's Sake Carmen I saw you." He was shouting now, and I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but those Goddamned words choked in my throat and wouldn't leave my mouth. I felt the energy drain out of me and a weariness take over.

"I can't do this right now Don." I said softly. Don's eyes stared at me now, frustration etching his face.

"You can't do this? I've been like this all day Carmen, Henderson had to practically restrain me in an interrogation room, because I saw the two of you together." He was raging; I could see the hurt in his eyes as well as the fury burning in him. I couldn't bring myself to speak, I just wanted it all to be over, I wanted to climb into bed and hide away from it all.

"I have one question for you Carmen. Why him? Why the hell did you have to chose him?" he asked resigned, his jaw clenching. He thought there was something wrong with him, that he chased people away.

"I didn't Don, I chose you." The word slipped out surprising me. They were quiet but the impact still hit him.

"If you weren't with O'Brian then where were you? You sure as hell haven't been near the labs this afternoon." He wasn't shouting anymore, but his gaze was fixed on me intent, a cop's gaze, the one he reserved for a suspect. Something inside me snapped, it just let go, bent under the pressure of everything that happened today. I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder.

"I'm sorry Don, this can't work anymore, we can't work anymore." Now he was speechless, I continued before he had a chance to speak.

"I can't do it anymore, I can't give you what you want. We're through." I yanked open the door and slammed it shut behind me, leaving him stunned. I raced down the stairs, tears blurring my eyes. I pushed everything away, begging not to feel anything, as I broke out onto the street into the refreshing pour of the rain. Hailing a cab I uttered the name of the only place I felt I could go to now.

"NYPD Crime Lab."