Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer.
A/N: Read chapter carefully, might be... yeah, I'm not sure what the word is, but I warned you.
JelyyfishTramper, Thank you for reminding me that on 6-6 (today) it would be this story's 1-year anniversary. If you hadn't told me, this update hadn't been here so soon. An update is just a must when the story lives for a year, right? So I hope you guys can enjoy this quickly written, but still tall chapter.
I didn't have a chance to answer the reviews yet, but just know that I do I read them, love them, and I love help, inspiration, and songs! I have a big song request if this chapter reminds you of a song or quote or something.
Song for this chapter: Mirror by BarlowGirl. It's a beautiful song. I love it myself.
Mirror I am seeing a new reflection.
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me.
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare.
I know He defines me.
Kinda the same thing that Tupac said: Only God can judge me.
Pulling
I let Edward take me to where ever he was taking me. First inside the hospital, but I didn't like all the people staring at me while I was walking behind Edward a little, so I desperately grabbed his hand and tried not to stray off.
All those judging eyes were horrible. I could almost hear their eyes talking, telling me what I was doing with a guy like Edward.
"Cullen," a man in dark blue scrubs with a white coat said.
"Chief, I was looking for you," Edward said, quickly, smoothly. I scowled at the way he was talking.
The chief glared at him and his eyes shifted to me for a moment.
"Sure you were." The chief did not believe him and when I looked at Edward's face closely, I could actually make out that the chief was right.
"Well, I was about to," Edward said slowly.
"Listen, Cullen, I don't like being fooled around with, so you've got some explanation to do," he said.
Edward nodded and then looked at me. "I've got to go, but you can wait in one of the-"
"The kid can come too," the chief said.
Edward's mouth dropped and he looked horrored. I was really missing out something.
"What?" Edward asked with his eyebrows way too high and his eyes even showing some panic.
"She'll hear it, sooner or later," the chief said. "Now follow me."
I looked at the chief suspiciously, knowing that I was the she he had just mention and that there was something that I would hear, perhaps needed to hear, but not wanted to.
That's what I could make out of Edward's horror, because if Edward was that horrrered and shocked, I was quite sure the information was not pleasant, but if a person so autorative as this chief told me that I had to hear it now, I might have to hear it, even if it wasn't going to be pleasurable.
Sure I was able to think sensible for a moment, but I was already fearing and feeling dread.
I really didn't want to find out.
We went up a few floors with the elevator in complete silence. The chief's office wasn't very far away and when we made it there, I sat on the first available chair. I sighed when I felt my feet were aching and that that my limbs felt heavy and tired. Edward sat next to me.
"Edward, seriously, XTC? Never have I witnessed somebody offering his liver to his girlfriend, but then to see there are drugs running through your veins?"
Edward opened his mouth, but my scowl had deepened and my answer was already there.
"He was doing something very heroic, because this doctor in Forks was about to sedate me, while I hadn't done anything wrong, but Edward was right on time. And he had to drive a lot of hours non-stop to New York and I'm glad he took the XTC, because I know that the reason was acceptable."
The chief sighed deeply and looked pointedly at Edward. I could see that he was not at all happy with my answer and was about to scoff at Edward, because he was to know-it-all. The one that had an IQ that went high up in the air.
"You've done your studies, Cullen. You know what drug does to people. Was it so hard to stop and sleep for a few hours?"
I looked at Edward as his mouth opened and slowly he began talking.
"I know-"
"I've already told him not to do drugs and I don't think he ever will," I said to the chief, interrupting Edward. "Besides, I begged him not to stop at a hotel, completely forgetting that Edward is human and needs sleep."
I scowled at myself, feeling like an idiot. It was just now, when I said it out loud, that I realized it was something that was my fault. Edward took drugs, but I had been the reason for his decision. He hadn't stopped at the hotel, because I hadn't wanted him to.
It was the kindest and horrible thing anyone had ever done for me. He had taken my plea seriously, but in order for him to drive on, he had to stay awake.
He had gone a whole night without sleep. He had driven and driven such a large amount of hours and for the first time in the short time I knew Edward, I felt the one that had something vile to Edward, because he had gone even longer without sleep. He had after all driven all the way from New York, in order to get to me. Hadn't he said it had taken him forty ours? Or whatever he had said, I had practically tortured poor Edward.
I looked at him and Edward was looking at me with a funny expression.
"What?" I asked him, but I quickly turned to the chief, deciding it didn't matter what he was thinking. "If anyone did something wrong, it wasn't Edward, because I should have offered to drive for a few hours instead of him. I just didn't think of it. Well, I just now thought of it." I scowled again at myself.
Idiot.
Shut up.
Stupid voices in my head. Even they were mocking me for my foolishness and being so damn clueless.
"Why didn't I think of that?" I asked myself.
The chief almost groaned. I looked at Edward in alarm, but his face was blank.
"And Cullen, did you not think of asking your girlfriend to drive for a few hours?"
The chief wasn't looking at Edward though, he was looking at me.
Edward also didn't bother answering, which almost made me smile.
"Cullen," I began and Edward snort laughed, but quickly stopped when the chief glared at him, "-I mean Edward - is too kind for that," I said, quickly calling him by his first name instead of his last. Because the chief kept saying Cullen instead of Edward, I had taken over that habit. It had sounded stupid, coming out of my mouth, and apparently, Edward thought it was funny.
"You do know there might be a chance the liver gets rejected by her body, leaving her with just a very small liver that is already very damaged," the chief continued.
My eyes widened.
"No," I said at the same time when Edward said, "Yes."
"And you do know the odds of her dying, even if she eats, get's medicine, vitamins and fluids, are extremely high."
My mouth was hanging open a little, while I looked at the chief. He was deadly serious.
"Yes," Edward said again. My eyes started to fill. I was beginning to fear that all of this - all of Edward's kindness and help - might not be enough to save my life.
"So you understand when I tell you it's very futile of you to donate your liver," he continued.
I wanted to ask him if that really was true, but Edward beat me to it with one single, harsh, stinging word.
"Yes."
"Then why give it to her?" he asked in frustration. "Do you feel obliged to?"
I looked at Edward and he rolled his eyes.
"No," he said, with a tiny bit of anger in his voice.
"It is your decision, Edward, it really is. But you might shorten the time you have with her when you need healing yourself from the operation, while you could be with her instead."
"I know," Edward said, saying it in a very neutral, and again, know-it-all voice. He had thought all of this through already, that much I could tell by the way he was answering the chief.
"I still don't understand why you would decide to give it to her, Cullen."
Edward sighed and I looked at him.
"Me neither," I said.
Edward's eyes shifted to me for a second and he shook his head a little.
"I'm giving it to her, because nobody has ever stood up for me the way she just did," Edward said. "I've done horrible things to her, and still she is capable of forgetting those things. No, I'm not doing it because I'm sorry for what I did and now feel obliged to give it to her, I'm doing it because I fell for her throughout the time we've spent together and don't want her to die if I might be able to give her something useful. When I saw that she needed a liver transplantation, nothing else was going through my mind then the hope that mine would be a match with hers. That's all."
The chief watched Edward sharply. "You give her your liver because you fell for her."
Edward sighed, looking at the floor. "Yes."
"Alright, that clears up a lot of things," the chief said. I noticed he was a little annoyed, but mostly, I sensed, he wanted us out of his office.
"Yeah, so we'll go then," Edward said.
"I never liked have you in this hospital, Cullen," the chief said. My eyes widened and Edward smiled viciously.
"Sorry?" he asked in a kind, sweet voice.
Oh, he's acting alright.
"No. Never did." His eyes shifted to me. "Get a blood test every two hours, if possible every hour. The sooner we can start, the better for her. I hope for you, Cullen, that she's going to make it. Apparently there are people in this world that do like you."
Edward scowled. And I gaped at the chief.
"Ouch," I said, as if the blow had been meant for me, while it was Edward that should be offended.
"Go! Get a blood test now and all you can do further is wait, perhaps tell her the other bad news."
"What other bad news?" I quickly asked.
The chief looked at Edward, as did I and Edward's face looked pained.
"Come on, Bella," Edward said, taking my hand.
Once Edward closed the door behind us, I pulled at his arm.
"What more is there?" I asked.
"I'll tell you, but not here," he said.
"Is it bad?" I asked.
"It is," he replied.
"Then what is it?" I asked as I once again felt tears in my eyes.
"Bella," he said, turning his piercing green eyes to mine. "I'll tell you. Wait until I find an empty room."
His eyes showed me panic, pain, desolation, grief, humiliation and sorrow. I saw it all, right before they turned blank, telling me that he was doing his acting job again.
A tear slipped out of my eye and landed on the floor, because I was leaning a bit forward and I gasped a little when I realized that I had stopped breathing, letting the air in.
Edward was about to turn his body to walk again, but his body froze midway when he saw my eyes.
I wondered if mine were showing the same emotions that I had just seen in his. The truth was, I was crying because of what I had seen in his eyes. I felt powerless, small and unimportant.
"Oh, Bella," he said, leaning forward to run his finger over the ending of my lower eyelid. He was very gently, so the action didn't make me blink more often or rather close my eyes completely. No, I was looking in his eyes to see if he would show any more emotion rather then the pity I was seeing now.
But no, he didn't show me anything else, to my biggest grief.
"I don't care," I mumbled, shaking my hand to get rid of his hand. He dropped it and bended down. His eyes showed worry now, the pity gone.
"You don't have to lie to me, sweetie," he said softly, running his knuckles over my cheek.
I looked away from him and he sighed.
"Come, I'm going to tell you everything but I'm not going to say it before we are somewhere alone." He took my hand back in his and brought me back to the elevator and another floor. I didn't know if we went up or down. I didn't look which floor it was when he dragged me out of the elevator, because I wasn't paying any attention. Edward opened a door quickly and glanced inside.
Then he opened the door completely and pulled me inside, closing the door and turning the lock slowly.
"Sit down," he said with hesitance in his voice.
It was a small room with a bed and very dark. There was just tiny window and actually nothing else.
"Internships can be horrible sometimes and when you can't make it home to your own bed, these small rooms provide beds for us. Even real doctors sleep here when things get too much."
I felt his hand on my back, pushing me towards the bed. I sat on it and waited for Edward to do the same, but he didn't. He walked in front of me, pacing and then abruptly stopping.
He turned his body to me and looked at me.
"There's no fat and no muscle tissue on you body, Bella," he said, dropping on his knees and putting his arms on my legs. He looked up at me from under his dark, black, thick lashes, which gave his green gaze a more arresting look. I bit my lip to stop myself from touching his flawless face.
He began running his hands over my legs until the point that I grew uncomfortable.
"What are you doing?" I asked in a small voice?
He shook his head. "There's nothing there, just skin and bones. I'll tell you what you want to hear, but first I want to hear you say something out loud and admit it to me."
"What?" I asked in confusion and dread hit me like a bullet and tears pricked my eyes.
"I have anorexia and I have bulimia and I'm going to die if I refuse to do what the doctors tell me to do," he said, looking me dead in the eye.
I was staring back and didn't feel my chest rise anymore. Edward noticed it to and softly mouthed 'breath' while still giving me a hard glare.
I shook my head, not knowing if I was refusing to breath or repeat him.
"Say it," Edward said, lifting himself so that our heads were closer. "Say it. Believe it yourself. I want you to say it, Bella, now."
"I-I can't," I stuttered.
"Say it, Bella! Then we could finally begin somewhere. Look at me."
I didn't even know I had broken eye contact with him and slowly looked at him.
"Just a few moment ago when we were outside, you begged me to help you. I'm am seriously doubting right now you meant any of that."
My eyes widened and tears fell down now. "I-I-I d-did," I said, stuttering like crazy now and my whole body was shaking. Edward's hands were still on my legs, above my knees, holding them tightly.
"If you truly meant what you said, Bella, then you'll repeat what I said," Edward slowly said, probably to make sure I heard him right and didn't miss a thing.
"B-But..." I began, sniffling once and searching for words. The shaking was making me stutter, and feeling the dread turned my mind all blank.
"But?" Edward asked after a moment and my eyes landed back on his. Again I had looked away from him.
"I don-don't th-think it would matter... Saying i-it, do-does... It wo-wouldn't... It-It's so..."
My eyes were moving fast from the left to the right, searching for words, trying to vow my thoughts, while in fact I wasn't thinking anything and I was probably making now sense to Edward.
"Edw-Edward," I said, my voice breaking horribly as I shifted my eyes back to his. I heard my own desperation when I only said his name but I also heard another silent plea. His eyes were looking at me like I was a puzzle, but I noticed how pained he was looking at me. I dropped my body forward until my head hit his shoulder and I sobbed a few times. Edward brought his hands up from my legs, trailing them slowly from my legs, to my hips, up to my waist, where he held me.
"It's a long staircase," Edward whispered between my sobs. "When you look up, you can't see the ending." He brought one of his hands to my hair, brushing it all behind. It felt soothing when he did that. Slowly my sobbing lessened just by his simply touch.
He rubbed my back then a few times, until I was lying completely still.
"But you have to take a first step, even when you can't see the whole staircase."
Edward pushed me away from him until I was sitting up again and looking him in the face.
"I know it seems like it will never be okay again and I should have never said to you that you only have a week more to live. Things could get better."
He sighed deeply and closed his eyes. When he opened them he looked determined.
"But first you need to hear the worst. You wanted to hear it and I believe you have a right to know it."
I just looked at him with my mouth slightly open.
"Do you want to know?" he asked, his eyes uncertain but still determined. "Do you want to know everything that's wrong with your body?"
I looked down and nodded my head.
"Do you really," he said, putting his pointer finger on my chin to raise my head up, "want to know how anorexia has turned your heart rate to the extent that it's only having fifty beats per minute, that even the lightest bit of exercise or caffeine could trigger fatal heart rhythms? Do you want to know how anorexia has caused your bones to lose mass and disfiguration? Do you really want to know you're heart has lost muscle mass as well? Would you like to know how anorexia made you, Bella, you, a girl, infertile, so I won't even talk about the higher risk of miscarrying, since you'll never experience the feeling of being pregnant."
My body was frozen and Edward's eyes shifted a little away from mine, until he snapped them right back. I let out a short breath and suddenly started breathing heavily.
No.
I shook my head but Edward's hands were on my face to stop the movement.
"Look, Bella," Edward started but I felt my eyes roll back and Edward was quick at lying me down on the bed and grab my head more firmly. "Don't go there, Bella! Stay awake. Please, sweetie, don't go to the void place. Stay with me."
My eyes opened lazily and I was caught by the greenness. They were very close to my own eyes.
"That's it," Edward said encouragingly. He smiled at me.
But hearing him tell me the truth, had drained me from my last bit of energy, and I just had enough of it all.
I was done.
"Let me die."
Edward's eyes widened and he let go of my face and abruptly stood up, walking backwards. The greenness that had just been there in front of me, was now just a pair of small dots far away. The door opened and Edward got out of the room. The door closed with a loud bang and I flinched when I heard it.
I turned on my side and sobbed.
I had been harsh on Edward and I knew it.
But I also knew that I was so tired. Everything felt heavy and difficult and I just wanted to close my eyes and never open them again.
I was probably crazy. I think I had lost my mind, because I remember telling Edward I wanted his help and tell me the truth, and when he tried helping me and told me the truth and I decided I didn't like the help and truth, I pushed him away in the worst way that was possible.
"E-Edward?" I called, my body still shaking with sobs. "Ar-Are you still th-there?"
I cried and felt alone when nobody opened the door. He had left.
"I'm sorry, so sorry," I said with eyes closed. "I'm not the right girl for you."
I jumped when the door opened and Edward got in. He kicked the door shut with his foot and turned the lock and reached me fast.
"You didn't leave," I said with surprised eyes when Edward sat on the bed. He crawled on the bed, with his shoes, as for a moment he was on top of my. My body was between his legs and arms.
He shifted a little more until he wasn't on top of me anymore but by my side on the wall side. His back was turned to the wall and my face was turned to him.
Slowly, he brought his fingers up to my cheek to wipe away the tears.
"I thought you left," I said with a pained scowl. I felt my lips tremble as I remembered the short time that I thought he was gone and that I was alone. It was selfish of me to want Edward when things got difficult for me.
Edward ran his front finger over my cheek, to my neck, shoulder and upper arm. He made circles there while he stared me in the eyes.
When I leaned a little closer, and decided I liked this distance more, because now the greenness was more visible, I put my head on the pillow and looked at his eyes.
I could look at him forever. He was beautiful. There was nothing wrong with the boy in front of me and why he would want to be with me... why he fell in love with me, was a big mystery to me.
Edward opened his mouth and my breath caught in my throat. The movement had been sudden and startled me slightly, but I think everything would startle me at this point. I had turned into a helpless girl that needed anyone's attention. I hated it and I started to hate myself.
"I'm not letting you die alone," Edward said.
I froze as Edward traced with all five fingers now, his hand going to my back and making it through the gap, touching my naked back. His fingers made my skin burn and my heart race. My breathing turned to a person's that had just run the marathon twice, but it wasn't just his fingers that were doing that to me.
What Edward had just said had been the saddest thing I had ever heard. Again I could not stop the tears, that now felt sideways over my face, on the pillow.
In the meantime, Edward had begun tracing my backbone, each time running a finger over each bone, making small circles as if it was important not to miss a bone at all.
What had he called them after that heart attack? Something something, but I couldn't remember, but the small bones had a special name which I had forgotten and I had also forgotten how many of them I had.
He smiled at me, a real, genuine smile which broke my heart even more.
It was racing and breaking, but I was afraid I had broken Edward's heart even more. He had told me that I was his better half, but in real it had always been the other way around.
Edward was my better half.
"It's alright, Isabella Marie Swan," he softly said, pulling me closer with his hot hand flat on the small of my back, until our bodies touched. His heat was overwhelming and even in that moment, I blushed. He looked at the redness with nothing more then curiosity.
With his other hand, he touched my hot cheeks.
"You can go," he whispered. "It's okay." His lips touched my forehead and I whimpered. I think I knew what he was saying exactly, but I was a person that needed to hear words in their exact form.
It seemed like Edward knew this, because he continued.
"It okay to die, Bella," he said, his voice painfully normal. "You can go, follow the light, the dark, or whatever it is that is pulling at you."
My ice cold feet hit his leg and as soon as parts of my body started touching him, I pushed myself closer to him, at the same time as he rolled on his back. I got on top of him and let my weight fall on him, while I held tightly onto his body.
"I didn't mean it!" I said loudly, my mouth brushing his shoulder.
"Hush, Bella, don't talk. Don't lie. I know you want to die. I can see it in your eyes. You feel defeated and petrified, but don't worry. I won't let you die alone. Nobody should die alone."
His arms were on my back, his hands holding unto my shoulders. I loved the added weight and strength. I couldn't have enough of Edward.
When I glanced at the hand beside of me, I scowled. It was my hand, but it wasn't gripping on Edward as my mind was telling me that it was gripping. It was just there loosely on his shoulder. I tried moving my hand, but it wouldn't. I couldn't see my other hand from this angle but wondered if also that one was not grabbing onto Edward.
What was happening?
Everything was black. I couldn't see anything. I just heard Edward's breathing.
"What's happening?" I asked, my voice coming out too soft and in a petrified whisper.
"I've got you," Edward whispered in my ear. "I'm here." Edward was holding me tightly and I realized all the tightness I was feeling was just Edward's doing. I had never had the energy to hold him that tightly as I had wanted to.
My mind had made it all up. Thinking I had been holding him, but because I couldn't, my mind just simply made it up for me.
Edward was completely right, and I didn't know how he had figured it out. I was indeed defeated and petrified, but I wasn't quite sure what was visible in my eyes.
If I really had to believe Edward, they told the outside world I didn't want to live anymore. Had my eyes really changed that much?
This feeling that was going through my body now was horrible. I think I was dying, but it was almost like Edward's words were feeding that process and letting anorexia win.
I didn't want anorexia to win from me, but what I really thought was very stupid of Edward was that he let anorexia win from him.
I wish I had half the brain Edward had and even I could see that he was a fool right now for not seeing it the way I did.
Anorexia had made me empty, in more ways than one, and right now it was trying to murder me.
I fought against the tiredness. I fought against the heavy weight that was crushing me like a meteorite.
And I did one futile attempt to Edward, maybe he could see this was anorexia that was now fooling him.
Edward. You're smart. Don't let Ana fool you too. You know so much better, Anthony! Kill Ana, kill her for me. Don't let her murder me.
"Edw..." I couldn't even finish because my mouth felt dry and heavy. I could barely open it and move my tongue.
"Shh, Bella, it's okay to go away," Edward whispered again. "Don't worry anymore. Let things just happen."
No. No.
My mind was screaming at me. It was telling me to do a thing, it didn't matter what.
But I couldn't move, I couldn't speak and I could stop what was happening.
I tried again. Almost did I growl at the effort it took, but I tried, I had to keep trying.
"Edwa-"
Girl, girl, I've made you pretty. I've made you happy. Do you want to be a fat cow? An ugly bitch? Do you want to eat, and eat, and eat, until you're ugly and useless to everyone?
Something stirred in me. I barely felt it, like I was losing connection with my body. My mind was still there, but the body was too weak to respond.
But I definitely felt something and I tried again.
"Edward-"
Sweet girl, haven't I always been there for you? Have you forgotten how the monster underneath you has kissed you until you bled and how he used you for his own purposes at school? He robbed you from your work, he tried robbing your from your virginity, but I stopped him, always.
Edward doesn't like me. Edward's thinks bad things off me.
You know what though, my sweet girl?
Edward isn't good for you. I am. I never cheated on you. I never hurt your feelings. I made you thin. I made you beautiful. I opened your eyes, so that you could see your filty body covered in fat, and I opened them wide alright. You saw what I was seeing and I'm proud of you.
Do what you're doing right now. That's right. Keep doing it.
Edward is a little right with that one. Let it happen. It won't hurt you. It's all fine.
It grew and grew in rapid speed, but I felt myself detach from my body fast as well. It was an emotion that my body was feeling. The emotion was still growing, but what was it? I tried to figure it out,
mostly out of curiosity. It was strange not to know what a simple emotion was named.
But then I heard it again.
Let go. Let the ugly body go. This is better. We'll go away together. You and me, we'll be great friends. We love each other and I love you because you never failed listening to me. You didn't eat when I told you not to, but when you did, I got very angry and told you to throw it all out. And you did.
You have always listened to me.
You are so good. So good at not eating and throwing up. Can't you see, Bella? That was your purpose in life. It had always been.
You were simply good at it and now you are going to come with me and leave that foul man alone to sob with your dead body on top of him.
Anger.
The emotion that was growing, the one I couldn't figure out was pure anger and hatred for the person - the thing - daring to lie to me.
Leave me alone and don't ever come back. I don't want you here and I don't want you talk badly about the boy under me. You were never nice to me. And neither was Edward, but he changed. He is better and I love him.
You're a fool. Listen to me. You are fat.
I wanted to talk to Edward with just the last bit of energy that was left in my body. I was almost lifeless. This could not happen. Edward wouldn't call for help, because he thought I wanted to die.
Yes. I was tired.
Yes. I was afraid.
Yes. I was a coward.
Yes. I said I wanted to die.
But, Edward had to be there to save my life. He had to hold my hand tightly and tell me to live.
And now he's telling me to die.
My body... It had had to say something. I had to talk. My mouth had to move. Say something that would trigger something in Edward. I had to tell him something with great meaning, something important, anything that would make him realize he was making a huge mistake and being fooled by the voice that was now in my head. Had she gone into his head as well? Was she blinding him, making him see things that weren't there?
Are you?
Not only did I want to live, but also did Edward need me. He would commit suicide if I died. I knew he would and then, yes, we would meet again, both in hell.
Me, for having anorexia.
Him, for committing suicide.
Though Edward deserved nothing more then heaven.
I had to tell Edward something, but time was running. Literally, I felt time slip out of my hands and my body felt further away. I could barely still feel it.
I was actually going. I was leaving without knowing what to tell Edward. I didn't have enough strength left inside of me. What few words could I say to make him realize that he shouldn't let me die?
There was nothing. Nothing I could tell him.
You've got me. Don't be sad. You're a trooper, my girl. You've done well. You could be Ana too. You can do the same thing I am doing, to another girl.
The anger almost broke free out of my body, but not quite yet.
I was very angry now. I tried pushing it towards my body. My body had to feel it. Not my mind. My mind was not important. My body was what mattered now, my body owed my mouth. My mouth had to open and talk to Edward and say anything.
Edward was a smart boy. Maybe it was even time for me to call him a man. Even Ana had called him a man...
Edward is a smart man. Think! Think hard!
He isn't smart. Listen, sweetie, we'll make it together. You don't need that boy.
I was pissed off now. That voice really had to shut up. I couldn't believe it was that bitch I had listened to for years. She was dirt and Edward was pure. Edward was the one that was able to tell me what was wrong with me, he was able to make decisions, to help me and be there for me. He was able to tell me who I am. He always told me that I was more then I myself thought I could ever be. He truly believed I could make it to something like University.
He thought I was smart.
You don't define me.
There's only one person who defined me and I was trying to desperately to talk to him.
The anger started to fade away as I didn't hear her anymore. The voice left, or chose to ignore me, but it left me with a moment to think.
And it was only a moment that the universe had given me. My time was up. I could feel it. My body... it had died.
No!
Get back! Get back!
I tried going there again, I pulled at the invisible force, but it was too strong. My mind was fading as well.
If your mind is still here, so is your body. Do this for Edward. Edward needs you. Don't let him live in the illusion of you wanting to die. Get back there. Fight harder.
Who ever was talking to me, gave me strength and I found hope again. I pulled at the thin string that was connected to my body and did get a little closer, if not just an inch.
I tried reconnecting with my body and think at the same time. It was really now or never. I had to do it now. I had to come up with anything, it didn't matter what.
Maybe it's just easier to say goodbye?
It was just getting too strong for me to fight against the force. Death was a dark, strong place and it had me in its grip, together with Ana. The string was so far away and I tried pulling at it so that my mind would get back there, but it was so difficult.
Death wanted me dead. Ana wanted me dead.
Edward wants me dead, if I'm not already.
I felt a tear roll over my cheek and my mind was shocked. I had felt that tear. There was still a connection. I was still there. I still had a chance.
You do not have a chance. Don't go back to that ugly body. Just die.
More anger was rising as I realized she had dared to get back in my head.
Then I felt another thing. Something warm, and the tear was gone.
Edward had brushed away the tear.
If I was still able to feel my tears and Edward's touch, then I really did have one more last chance. Now was not the time to feel sad. Now was the time to get some action taken. I was the boss now. Edward and I had switched roles and I had to convince him now and finally something happened.
Something good happened.
I remembered Edward's previous words and begged to God at the same time that Edward would understand my words, if I was even able to drag them out of me.
I didn't want to leave Edward alone and in pain. We belonged to each other. We both carried a half of each other with us, always, and if one of us died, the other one did as well.
"You can go, follow the light, the dark, or whatever it is that is pulling at you."
Ana wasn't going to make two victims this night. I know what it was that was pulling me. Right now, I knew the truth and Edward did not.
But Edward was smart. He was just being fooled and he didn't know it. Edward had only been fooled with for a small moment, while I had been for years, when Ana had haunted me in my head and in my dreams.
I tried fighting again and find the same anger that I had felt previously, because I needed it now in order to get close to my body again.
My mind almost screamed and I felt another tear run over the cheek that belonged to my body. My mind was so frustrated that the connection I still shared with my body felt it too and cried.
I wanted to give up, because for another time I was slipping away, and now I was very far away. Maybe the thin string had burst, because I didn't feel the tears anymore and I didn't feel Edward's touch anymore.
The connection must have gone away and it left me with nothing.
Except the sadness that I couldn't feel anything anymore. Feeling that tear had given me a reason to fight again, but now I couldn't feel Edward anymore.
But he's still there.
Edward was there. He told me he would stay until I died. Edward wouldn't lie to me about that, and with another force that this time was not anger or frustration, I broke out of death's grip and got closer again.
I wasn't going to try and get closer to my body. It hadn't worked earlier, so it wouldn't work now.
What I was trying now was getting closer to Edward's body. Edward's body was close to mine and if I could get close to him, I could go to my own body.
I fought harder this time, searching my destination. I was fighting against the hard pull and the hard grip.
All I could think about was getting to Edward.
And like a magnet searching for another magnet, it worked.
For a fraction of a second, I was back. I was back and even though I was indeed still very far away, I was again there in my body.
Anger or frustration hadn't been the emotions that I had to feel to get to him. Just the hope that I had suddenly felt, the hope that everything would be okay, even now when I was on the edge of dying, had been my strenght to reach Edward.
I had found hope.
Hope - and Edward - had guided me through the hard, long path that Ana was dragging me off, and it was hope that had brought me back to my body, even if it was for only a few second.
Just before I slipped out again, I managed to open my mouth and say the words I had desperately been trying to say for an amount of time that felt like a century to me now. The words came out hoarse, soft and in a whisper.
"Ana pulls me."
I prayed to God that Edward had heard and that he would understand.
I hoped he wouldn't let me die and give up on me.
Then it all went dark, while I still felt a pull. I couldn't figure out if it was a pull away from my body or from my body.
The pulling stopped and everything faded away.
I think I faded away too.
I'm sorry, Edward, I tried, but Ana was strong.
A/N: Just a tiny one, to let you guys know it won't be so fast again until the next update. It's kinda study time, and summer's holiday will start 1 June for me. It's just that this story was made one year ago, when I was desperate and scared because I had to wait for my exam results.
I know I don't ask often for it, but I put a lot of effort into this chapter, and a lot of work and quick thinking. Was it any good? Any songs maybe?