Chapter 38

Neal stepped onto the train and settled at a window seat, looking out onto the bright spring day. He had to admit it was a relief not to be driving anywhere. It took the pressure off and he no longer had to monitor the amount of alcohol he was ingesting throughout the day - not as closely, anyway. He'd made a detour to the men's room to get his fill before boarding the train and he let the warm, fuzzy feeling settle in his veins, his body relaxing as he let his head fall back on the seat and closed his eyes, letting out an audible sigh.

Even teaching his beloved art classes seemed to have lost its appeal these last few weeks as his focus narrowed in on such mundane issues as… did he have enough booze on him to get him through the day? …would he have an opportunity to slip away if he needed to have a drink? …could he keep himself composed and not look impaired as he went about his business?

In some strange, sick way, he was enjoying the challenge of finding that critical tipping point between feeling mellow and overdoing it and losing control of his actions. As a conman, taking risks had always been a big part of the equation - an exhilarating feeling, in fact - and, similarly, playing this little game with himself led to a rush he couldn't possibly have imagined.

He thought of Sara and Peter; what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. He was reasonably sure that he could hold it together for them, and for Hope and Liam, if he just stayed on that thin line and didn't let himself fall into the dark pit he'd fallen into the day before at the hospital. Hope… he needed to get himself over there to see her sometime today so he could apologize for his behavior; she didn't deserve a dad who was falling apart when she needed him the most. Her move to rehab was set to happen on the following Wednesday and that would be hard on her, considering she'd have to adapt to an all new environment and start working hard on speech therapy, to say nothing of her physical rehabilitation. He'd have to be really careful to monitor his alcohol intake if he was going to be there for her.

His head grew heavy and his mind blurred as he teetered between consciousness and sleep and suddenly a familiar voice was heard echoing in the almost empty car.

'Mind if I sit down?' came the sweet voice as Neal frowned and forced an eye open.

The sight of June Ellington standing there, all decked out in a tailored suit and high heels, hit him like a sucker punch to the gut and he felt his body forcibly pushed up against the back of his seat as his eyes widened in surprise.

'June! What…?' he managed to say as she smiled and took a seat across from him, looking just as he'd known her twenty-five years before.

'Hello darling' she said, her voice warm. 'I've missed you.'

'But…' Neal muttered, staring at her in disbelief.

'I know, you're surprised to see me but I've been watching you for awhile and I thought you might appreciate a little visit.'

To say that Neal was taken aback at the sight of his beloved friend was an understatement. He was still getting over her death, a little more than a year earlier, and he thought of her often as he went about his daily business. Stepping into the June Ellington School of Art every morning and walking past the portrait he'd so lovingly painted always put a smile on his face and served to remind him why he'd started the school in the first place.

'Darling, what are you doing?' she asked lovingly as her hand reached out to touch his knee.

'What… what do you mean?' he stuttered, bewildered.

'What happened to the wonderfully happy and serene man I left a while back?'

Neal was still reeling from the sight of her; this was either some booze fuelled hallucination or a hell of a weird dream, yet seeing her sitting there was much too comforting a sight to question, considering he'd long ago accepted that he would never again be in her presence.

'June…' he said, sitting up in his seat. 'I've… I've missed you so much.'

She smiled fondly and waited for him to continue.

'Everything is just… so messed up' he said, sounding even more unsure about his place in the world than he'd been when he'd first met her, all those years ago.

Back then, he'd struggled with who he was… with what he was, finding it impossible to reconcile the conman he'd been labelled with the man he aspired to be. She'd been loving and patient, telling him repeatedly that he would eventually figure things out for himself - something he'd managed to do over time. But now, he was flailing and he wasn't sure anymore who he was, drowning in dulled sensations brought on by booze, unable and unwilling to let himself feel those emotions he'd worked so hard to let himself experience over the years.

'I… I'm gonna lose Sara and the kids if I keep this up but… but I can't seem to help myself. It hurts too much when I let myself… feel things' he managed to say with so much clarity he surprised himself.

'But darling, those emotions you're trying so hard to suffocate are not all bad' she said softly.

'You weren't there, June. It was horrible… she was lying there on the pavement, broken in a million pieces and it was all my fault' he explained, his voice choked.

June stood and moved to the seat next to him, her warmth so comforting against his suddenly numb body. 'You're right, it was horrible but none of it was your fault, Neal' she said as she stopped momentarily to let her words sink in.

'Is that why you're punishing yourself like this? Because you think what happened to Hope was your fault?' she asked patiently.

'It was my fault' he stated unequivocally. 'If I'd heard the car coming… if I'd moved out of the way… she wouldn't have been standing there in its path and…'

Suddenly, June was reaching for him and she ran her hand lovingly down his cheek, Neal melting in the welcome warmth of her touch.

'My sweet, sweet boy' she said, her voice barely a whisper.

His eyes came up to meet hers, seeing all the kindness and wisdom there, the loving warmth he hadn't realized just how much he'd missed.

'June' he pleaded. 'How do I make this better?'

'You already know how, Neal' she answered with self-assurance. 'You're just not ready to do it yet.'

The train lurched, startling him and he opened his eyes to find the seat beside him empty.

Painfully, silently empty.

WCWCWC

Marion Birch waited patiently as Liam collected his thoughts. Although she was meeting him for the first time, she felt as though she knew both of Neal and Sara's kids very well. The couple had been in therapy for months now, working through the aftermath of Sara's sexual assault and she'd seen firsthand just how much they both loved and respected their children. As Sara had described, Liam was a very quiet, introspective young man, who weighed his words carefully and was concerned about hurting other people's feelings. She watched his eyes as he carefully chose his words, likely not wanting to disparage the man he loved and respected so much.

When he finally spoke, his voice was soft and warm, none of the bitterness or acrimony one might expect from someone whose father had, just as recently as the day before, showed total disregard for his feelings - on his birthday, of all days.

'I'm worried about him' he began as Peter brought his hand to rest on the young man's back. 'He's… he's always been there for me and Hope and… I'm scared he won't ever be like he was before.'

Marion nodded. 'How has his behavior affected you?' she asked.

Liam glanced over at his mom and she nodded. 'Honey, we're doing this for your dad. You need to be honest.'

'A few weeks ago, I came down and I caught him putting something in his coffee but… he just acted like everything was normal and I went along with it' he confessed.

'And at night, I can hear him moving around downstairs but I… I don't know how to deal with it so I just… I've been staying out of it. I wish there was something I could say or do…'

'Liam…' Marion interrupted as she leaned in and looked into his deep set eyes. 'Your dad is a grownup. Nobody expects you to take care of him.'

'But that's just it, Dad always says we're a family and we need to look out for each other. I should have done something when I first saw what he was doing' he admitted as Sara let out a soft sob.

'And I hate what this is doing to my mom. She doesn't deserve to be feeling like this' Liam said as he brought his eyes down to stare at his hands.

He continued, his voice soft. 'He came to get me at school the other day and I could smell the alcohol on his breath and I… I panicked and I made up some lame excuse to go back into the school and I called my mom' he explained as his voice got a little shaky. 'He's my dad… and I ratted him out.'

Mozzie, who was sitting on the other side of him, reached over and put a reassuring hand on his knee. 'You did the right thing, Liam' he said as Liam's eyes filled with tears.

'And yesterday… well, it hurt so much to see him like that. Not for me but… for Mom and for him. They've always worked so hard to be good role models for Hope and me and I know he's kicking himself for the way he acted… I just want my dad back.'

The room grew so quiet one could hear the proverbial pin drop and everyone waited for a moment as Liam's words sank in.

Marion's eyes settled on Cameron Armstrong and the young man sat up, ready to speak.

'Mr. and Mrs. Caffrey have been nothing but welcoming to me. Mr. Caffrey gave me a job at the gallery and he believed in me and when I started dating Hope, I knew they were worried about our age difference but they gave me a chance and now, well, they've been so supportive of us'.

He swallowed and everyone waited for him to continue.

'I feel bad because… when Hope got hurt… I said some pretty nasty things to him. I was angry and worried and…'

Peter spoke up; he'd been privy to the situation between Cameron and Neal and he knew that, ultimately, Cam had done the right thing by apologizing for his ill spoken remarks.

'Cam, Neal doesn't blame you. He knows how much you love Hope and he told me you'd apologized. You can't blame yourself for any of this' he said.

Cameron looked over at Peter and smiled. 'Mr. Caffrey's a great guy and, a wonderful dad. The best compliment Hope ever gave me was to say I reminded her of him. I just want him to get better because if he doesn't get better, I don't think Hope ever will' he concluded.

'Sara?' Marion said, turning to face her patient. 'What do you want to say?'

Sara shook her head and looked down at her shaking hands. 'I want to do what's right for Neal. He's not thinking straight and… well, like Liam said, we always have each others' backs and he needs me and I… I don't know what to do.'

'Tell us how this has affected you?' Marion asked.

Sara scoffed at the question; truth was it had affected her in every single way.

'I've known Neal for almost thirty years. I knew him when he…' she hesitated for a moment, unwilling to share more than necessary about her husband's checkered past. '…when he was struggling with his life. I watched him become a loving, supportive husband, an amazing father, a wonderful friend to everyone in our lives and now…'

The words were spilling out as were the emotions and she began to sob as she endeavoured to finish her thought. 'This is… it's like he's died or left us but it's worse because he's still there every day but… he's not there, not really, not like before and I miss him and I'm scared.'

Sniffles were heard as Sara finished speaking and Marion handed her a tissue as everyone composed themselves.

'Is there consensus in this room that Neal needs help?' she asked.

Heads nodded all around the room and Caitlin and Linda were heard agreeing over the phone.

'Well then, here's the bad news. It's going to get worse before it gets better' Marion said.

'I don't want to ambush him' Sara blurted out.

'Sara's right' Peter said. 'Neal doesn't do well in situations where he's cornered and not in control. I don't think that surprising him and confronting him is the way to go. He'll just pull away and we might lose him forever.'

'Okay. That's fair' Marion said. 'An intervention doesn't have to be an ambush but it is a confrontation. He needs to be confronted to what his drinking does to all of you, how it affects you and why you won't put up with it any longer.'

'Will he have to go away… to rehab?' Sara asked, her voice shaking. 'Because I don't think he'll want to leave Hope, not now.'

'It doesn't have to be rehab. Some individuals do well with therapy and a twelve step program like AA for example. I'm not sure what would work best for Neal but he has to be willing to make some changes if he's going to get better' Marion explained.

'Are you all willing to confront him about his drinking?' she asked. 'Because if there's a weak link in this room, I need to know about it right now.'

She let her eyes roam around the room, staring at all the faces and her eyes rested on Sara and Liam.

'It's going to be hardest for the two of you' she said addressing them. 'You live with him and your words are going to have the most impact. Sara, are you willing to have Neal leave the house if he doesn't agree to get help?'

Sara seemed to falter for a moment, tears rolling down her face. 'I… I can't keep living with him like this. This is not the life I want…'

Marion wrote a few notes on her pad before speaking. 'I'm not here to make any of you say or do anything you're not comfortable with. But I will say one thing, if even just one of you is not on board with this, the intervention is doomed. Neal is a smart man and right now he's managed to rationalize making some very poor choices… if he senses that one of you can be manipulated, he'll seize on that and he'll continue to rationalize what he's doing. Not because it's Neal, just because it's human nature.'

'I'm ready to confront him' Mozzie said as Elizabeth nodded.

'Me too' she said.

'Count me in' Peter added as Caitlin was heard on the phone. 'Me too'

'Linda?'

'Yes' came her weak voice.

'Same here' Cameron agreed.

All eyes turned to Sara and Liam.

Sara reached over Mozzie to take her son's hand as they looked into each other's eyes, unwitting partners on a mission they both wished they didn't have to carry out.

TBC