"Forgive me." He says with his hands on either side of my face. He runs his nose against mine.
"Why?" I say moving my lips close to his enough to feel his breathing.
"I love you...Because I want to marry you." And with that I pressed my lips against his. I pull away sighing before kissing him again and getting off his lap. I make my way inside the house.
"Lina?" I lean on the wall looking at him. He plays with my hair.
"That's a crappy proposal." I tell him honestly.
"I want to marry you." He says.
"I want to marry you too." Because I do. I love him. Even when he's a jerk I still love him.
"Then why can't we just get married. We could do it this weekend. Just you, Isabelle and I. That's what matters."
"Because I want a proper wedding. I don't need a huge party but I need my family there. It's important to me to have my family even if they are rude. And you were a jerk yesterday." I push his hand away from my body. I'm not in the mood for sex now.
"Lina I'm sorry for being a jerk I just didn't want to talk about it. But I shouldn't have yelled at you."
"I know and I understand that sometimes you need time alone but I had something to tell you. Something important and you ruined it. Instead you made me feel bad for wanting to talk to you. Elliot if you don't want to spend time me all the time that's fine but you make me feel like an idiot when I spend time with you and then I think that it's too much. That I'm too much."
"You're not too much. I love being with you all the time. But yesterday I needed to think and calm down. So tell me what was so important." He's being a jerk.
"Forget it, it's not important anymore."
"How is it not important?"
"Because we're fighting and I don't want to talk about it when you're mad at me. And don't say you're not because I can see that you are. If you weren't then we wouldn't be here arguing."
"We're not arguing we are discussing the wedding." He says.
"There is no wedding. If that was you proposing then no. My answer is no I will not marry you just so that you can feel like you made it up to me." I'm done with this conversation. I go up to out room and lay in bed. I cover myself completely with the blanket. He sits on the bed next to me.
"I'm sorry Lina. I didn't mean to take it out on you. You're the only one I have in my life that puts up with my crap. You deserve so much more than me. I love you baby." He kissed my head walking out.
"Mommy some one is outside." I get worried immediately. I go to the front door to find a flower delivery truck parked outside. Getting out is a younger kid with a massive flower arrangement. Red and white roses in three vases.
"I'm looking for a Carolina Grey."
"That's me." He hands me the card and I let him in to place the flowers inside. Along with the flower truck is an edible food arrangement truck. Wow Elliot went all out. He must be really sorry.
Thank you for the flowers -C
You're welcome -E
They're beautiful -C
He doesn't reply until later that day.
So are you -E
I love you -C
Our conversation is pretty short worded.
I love you too
Even if you don't want to marry me -E
He added some hilarious emoticon with tears.
Shut up. You know I was just mad -C
Still hurts my feelings. Now I understand how you felt yesterday -E
Now I feel even worst for this morning. I didn't think he would take it so seriously. Now I understand why he leaves when he's getting too mad, so we don't say a bunch of bullshit we regret later.
I have to work. I'll see you tonight baby -C
He doesn't reply. I hate fighting with Elliot especially when I need him. I get home to dinner being cooked and laundry done. And Elliot was walking the dog with Isabelle down the street. I changed into some yoga pants and one of Elliot's old T-shirts. They always smelled like him which is why I loved wearing them so much.
"Mommy!" My little girl ran to me hugging my legs.
"Hi baby how was school?" I lifted her on the kitchen counter.
"Good, I went to walk with George and daddy. And then I was running and I fell. But I didn't get hurt and daddy carried me home." She giggled.
"Aww isn't he nice. Daddy loves you a lot huh."
"Yup this much." She held her arms out as wide as they could go.
"Where is daddy?" She giggled again.
"He changing cuz he got wet. Are we gonna eat? I'm so hungry mommy." I leave her on the counter knowing she's smart enough to not jump on her own. While I start placing food on plates she start questioning me.
"Do you like daddy?" I look at her thinking Elliot is behind this but he isn't here.
"Yes I do. I love daddy."
"This much?" She uses her hands again making me smile at how cute she is.
"A lot more than that." Her face looks surprised.
"Wow. Do you love me?"
"Of course."
"More or less than daddy?" I purse my lips trying to explain this to her.
"I love you the same but in different ways. I love you because you're my baby."
"You call daddy baby. But he's bigger than you." She interrupts me.
"Yes but I love daddy like he gives me kisses on my mouth and I kiss your cheeks only. It's different love. I love daddy like a grown up likes another grown up who they married to."
"But you're not married." She giggled. Elliot walked in standing next to Isabelle watching me across the kitchen island.
"No but we will be soon." I say turning around.
"When? Tomorrow?" She gets excited quickly.
"No. I don't know when but we will." It was true even though we want to get married we didn't know when it was going to happen. She stayed quiet playing with her hair again. She always does that when she's nervous.
"Are you going to have a baby?" I look at Elliot who is shaking his head letting me know he doesn't know why she asked.
"Why?" I ask her standing I front of her.
"Because Amy said that when people get married they have a baby." Oh. "You get married first and then a baby, right?"
"Well yes that's how you are going to do it. Okay let's go eat." I set her on the floor before she asks any other questions. I'm just glad that she is so easily distracted. But now that leaves Elliot in the kitchen alone with awkward silence. I clear my throat.
"Thank you for the flowers." I say standing in front of him.
"You're welcome. I should get you things more often. Not just when I'm mad at you." I rest my head on his chest allowing the moment of peace between us.
"I thought I was the one that was mad?"
"You know what I mean. I am sorry for being an ass. I love you."
"I know so do I. Come, we can talk later. We have to eat before she asks anymore questions."
"Lina we have to tell her. I don't think we should wait for Ana to have the baby. I'm sick of lying to her." I hang my head.
"Later." I tell him kissing him walking into the dining room where Isabelle is picking her nose. "I see you." She jumps putting her finger away immediately. "Don't do that. Your brain is going to fall out of your nose." She gives me a scared look and I feel satisfied as a parent for scaring her into not picking her nose. Hopefully.
Later that night Elliot and I were in his office. I hated the awkward silence with him.
"I think we should tell her tomorrow. We can take her to the appointment with us and she can see the ultrasound there." He started. "We can just take her out of school early. Make a day out of it. We can drive out to Portland or go to dinner somewhere." He looks hopeful at the thought of spending time with us.
"Sure lets do that. But Elliot,"
"I'm sorry Lina about yesterday. I really am."
"I know you are. I forgive you but what was going on yesterday why were you so upset?" I watch him pull his hair. I feel bad reminding him of yesterday but I want him to talk to me.
"I knew something was up with him. When he was a teenager, he started getting in fights. He was angry, all the time, got kicked out of a few schools. My parents were going to send him to boarding schools. They would fight about what to do with him. I was already in college so I wasn't there as much but Mia would call and tell me. When I came home on the weekends I would hear them fighting. It started being about Christian then every little thing would set them off on each other. I fought with him once he got mad and he punched me. Anyways we both ended up in the hospital my dad drove us. My mom was working. When she got home they got in a huge argument. They didn't talk for a week. When they did talk it was because Mia ran away because she thought they were getting a divorce. She was eleven at the time. She took some money and took a cab to the university." Elliot was now sitting in the couch with his eyes closed.
"I always thought that you would have been the trouble maker in the family." I joked so he would relax. He gave me a half smile but his eyes remained closed.
"I was but I didn't get caught. Christian's mom... Do you know about Christian's family?"
"No. Tell me." I wanted to know not because I was nosy but because I feel like he needed to talk about it.
"They found Christian when he was four at his house next to his moms body. She was dead for about four days before anyone found him. He didn't eat which is why he has food issues. He was starving for four days next to his dead mom. Her pimp left him a few burns on his back and chest. So that's why he doesn't hug people. He doesn't like to be touched. Only Ana and Mia ever do. Not even mom. He didn't talk for the first few years he came to live with us. We would fight but nothing like that one time when he was 15 I was 18. When he kept fighting, my mom started sending Christian to Mrs. Lincoln's one summer. Ever since that summer Christian calmed down. I always thought that it was because he had some thing to use his energy on. I didn't know he was going over there to be her toy. She took advantage of him Lina. He was a scared, hurt kid and she just abused the fact that he wouldn't talk to anyone about it." He looks so angry and hurt. But I know what he's going to say next.
"Elliot it wasn't your fault." I take a seat next to him on the couch and run my fingers through his hair hoping the physical contact would calm him down.
"Lina but I could have done something I should have tried to talk to him more. Spent more time with him. I should have tried to be a better brother! Imagine what kind of father I am. I couldn't even get my brother to tell me until fifteen years later. Is that how it's going to be? Isabelle is going to hide things because of what happened to her. She's better off with out me. Both of you are!" He stands starting to pace. I didn't know he was so nervous about being a father. With Isabelle it was hard to be nervous the responsibility was thrown at him. He didn't have time to prepare.
"Elliot you're amazing." I say quietly. He chuckled without humor.
"That's a load of crap Lina. Isabelle responds to you. I'm just here." I wish I could yell at him but I know he's just stressed. I take a deep breath suppressing the need to shake him into sense.
"Elliot, sit down."
"No."
"Elliot Grey sit down. Next to me." He sighs sitting down like a child. "Kiss me." He rolls his eyes and pecks my lips. "I love you. But you're wrong about so much." I sit on the heels of my feet and force him to look at me. "Isabelle loves you. She tells me constantly how fun you are and how she loves finally having a daddy. I'm good because I have you. And our baby," I put his hands on my belly. He sighs looking down at our hands. "Is going to have the most amazing father. I'm not better with out you. I was depressed and on a schedule. You give me something to look forward to. Coming home to you is the highlight of my day even when we fight." I kiss his forehead. "Elliot it wasn't your fault. You were a kid you wouldn't have known what to do. It wasn't your parent's fault either. They were doing the best that they could. It wasn't Mia's fault for being a bad sister. And it wasn't Christian's fault because he was just a child. If it's anyone's fault, it's that woman's fault. She is the one that took advantage of him. You didn't do anything wrong."
"I just wish I could have done more to help him."
"I'm sure you do but it's in the past. And he's happy now. Just be a good brother now. Don't worry about me and Isabelle. We already love you. That isn't going to change." I pressed my mouth against his enjoying the sensation of having him so close to me, finally.
"I'll think of something better I promise."
"What are you talking about?"
"The proposal." He says playing with my ring.
"I want to marry you." I remind him.
"I know. I want to marry you too. I'll think of something, romantic." He brings my hand to kiss my knuckles.
"I liked how you addressed the flowers this morning." I tell him adjusting myself so I was in his lap.
"Carolina Grey? Has a nice ring to it." I bite my lip nodding my head.
Isabelle ran to me when she saw me in the office after I had signed her out early. We had a doctors appointment in an hour so we were going to tell her about the baby. We picked up some ice cream because we thought that if she was in a good mood she wouldn't be upset over a baby.
"Where are we going?" She asked on our way to a table so we could talk.
"To the doctor. Not grandma a different doctor for your mommy." Elliot says sitting in front of us. Isabelle is on my lap.
"Are you sick?" She looks at me worried.
"No. She isn't. Remember how you asked that if mommy and I are going to have a baby?" She nods her head. "Well mommy and I are going to have a baby."
"From the doctor?"
"We'll not yet. Right now the baby is in my belly. In a few months you can hold it. But today we are going to go to the doctor so that we can see it." She looks horrified.
"They are gonna open you belly?" I smile at her.
"No they are going to use a camera type of thing that sees inside my belly. And we can see the baby." I tell her. She nods her head.
"Why is it in your belly?"
"It's swimming so that it can get bigger. Mommy is going to take care of it and then when it's ready to come out all of us are going to take care of it." Says Elliot.
"How do you know it's ready?" She asks eating some ice cream.
I look at Elliot waiting for him to talk. "It's going to knock on your moms belly and when she or he does that, then we have to go to the hospital and the doctor will take it out." He's actually really good at this.
"How did it get inside?"
"I gave mommy a seed so she can grow it in her belly."
"Like a tree?" She asks with her are-you-crazy face.
"Yea because you have to take care of a tree seed or it won't grow. You have to give it food and water and take care of it." I might have just fallen in love with Elliot more in the last five minutes.
"So I have to give mommy lots of food and water?"
"Yea." She's so smart. "Any other questions?"
"Are you gonna look like Ana?" I smile at her again.
"Yes but not yet in a few months. It will grow slowly."
"Can it hear me? Mr. Grey always talks to Ana's belly."
"Maybe you can try it." When we were sure there was nothing else in her mind we left for the doctors. She wasn't happy but at least she wasn't sad. I'm sure she would make a great older sister but she wasn't really understanding the idea of it yet. I guess she is too small. Before getting in the car, I pulled Elliot's shirt and brought his face next to mine capturing his lips in mine and giving him a very indecent kiss for being out in public. He was taken back because when I let go he was breathing hard. "I told you. You're an amazing father. Thank you." I got in the car and he closed my door.
"Thank you." He mumbles still a bit out of breath.
"Okay so you are at twenty weeks right?" She said squirting the familiar gel on my stomach. Isabelle was in Elliot's lap, who was sitting next me holding my hand. Her forehead was scrunched together creating a line above her nose indicating that she was thinking too hard. "Okay Isabelle you see this circle?" She nodded her head. "That is the baby's head. This is the body. And you can see the fingers." I look at her and Elliot. She doesn't look too impressed but Elliot is completely captivated with the picture on the monitor.
"That's our baby." I whisper to him causing him to let out a grin. I'm so glad he's here. Every time we come it becomes more real. He gives me a brief kiss before glueing his eyes back on the screen.
"Have you felt any movement yet?" Oh crap I never told Elliot.
"Yes a few days ago." Elliot's head turns to look at me. Oh no he better not be mad it's his fault I didn't tell him. "When we went to Christian's. That's what I went to the garage for." His face dropped.
"sorry." He says. I give his hand a squeeze and turn back to the monitor.
"You've been eating well?" I nod my head. "Your weight is good. How's the morning sickness?"
"It's not as often as before. But the cravings are starting."
"Good just try to eat healthy. Not too much junk food. No come back. The baby moved. Did you feel it?" I did feel it.
"Yes. Well daddy should be feeling it too in the next few weeks most people can feel it after the 22 weeks, some earlier. It just depends. All pregnancies are different." I let Elliot's hand go to rest my hands above my head. He runs his fingers over my hair kissing my temple. I watch him stand up, leaving Isabelle on the chair. He is leaning on the bed where I'm laying down giving me an upside down kiss. I get chills when he runs his fingertips over my arms. "Well from this position we can see the baby's gender. Did you want to know or are you waiting to be surprised?"
What do you think? Should they wait or not? I think I'll carry this story out until the birth or the wedding because I don't want it to get too long. Thanks to everyone who reviews, your words are very encouraging to keep me going.