Chapter 37 – Yin Yang and Doubts

On Boxing Day another snowstorm hit that lasted five days. The power went out, and Ian had to use the backup generators for the last two. Power was eventually restored on New Year's Eve, but the roads were not yet cleared so my plans for that night were cancelled. Instead of going to the town's fireworks show and mingling amongst my various groups of friends, I had dinner with Ian and several hours' worth of card games like Rummy, Crazy Eights, and Egyptian Rat Screw until the countdown.

The nice thing about having a vampire for a boyfriend is that little things like bad weather and poor road conditions are never an issue. When I went up to bed after Ian and I toasted in the New Year, I found Evan waiting for me.

I threw myself into his arms and stayed there for quite some time. We spent the rest of the night talking about New Year's-y stuff. I finally fell asleep a little after dawn, not that one could tell the difference for the clouds. I slept in until ten, and then we talked some more, among other things, until one. An unlooked for, but wonderful side benefit of an extended snowstorm was that Ian was sick of me as I was of him to the point that he didn't mind that I remained secluded in my room so late or that once the roads were cleared I spent most of my time with Evan and his family.

Such a blissful streak of happiness always seems to need to come to an end or to be counterbalanced, depending on how one looks at it. The first sign of trouble was when my sketchbook disappeared again.

"Evan, did Nessie happen to commandeer my sketchbook again?" I queried as we walked to English.

He frowned and replied, "No, not that I know of. When did you notice that it was missing?"

"Um, yesterday, when I was going to study for my calculus exam, I noticed that it wasn't where I remembered leaving it last."

"Huh, well, I'll ask her."

"Thanks," I stated as I shrugged out of my coat.

I didn't hear from him on the subject again, and I didn't see Nessie until a few days later. When I did see her at the garage, Evan was standing behind her and neither looked too happy.

Nessie greeted me with what sounded like a rehearsed speech, "Cadie, I'm sorry for being a – nosy little brat and – taking your sketchbook – again, without your permission." Every time she paused Evan prodded her from behind urging her on.

"And I'm sorry that I was so careless with it that I – Well, you see… " She handed me my missing property. Or what had once been my property. It was badly burnt with only a few sketches untouched, mainly, the one of the Tink shop crew and the two of my dad. All of my favorite sketches of Evan and the Cullens were rendered unrecognizable.

"How – how did this happen?" I choked out, after quickly flipping through it. I could barely look at her.

She hesitated before quickly continuing her recitation, "I had it with me in the den, where Esme was burning some candles to mask Jake's wet dog scent." Evan cleared his throat, and she hurried on in her roundabout way, "I suppose that's irrelevant. Well, anyways, Emmett was teasing me about something and we began wrestling and knocked over the candles and we didn't notice it until it was too late…I'm so sorry, Cadie."

I took a deep breath, trying not to lash out at the poor girl, who I'm certain had suffered several tongue-lashings and harsh lectures from Evan and her parents already since the unfortunate incident. Choosing my words cautiously, I reproached, "Accidents happen, Nessie. I understand that, but what I don't understand and what bothers me the most is that you took it without my consent. Why did you take it this time? You know all you had to do was ask."

She looked to Evan, with a look of such consternation that I almost thought she was glaring at him. She then stumbled through her explanation, which sounded as if she was making it up as she went along, "Er, you see, Cadie, I didn't know that I could do that, and I had this bet with Emmett… No need to ask me what it was about because it was rather silly and I'm ashamed of it, which is why I didn't even want to mention it to you at all…"

"Never mind, Nessie, but in the future, just ask, please," I interrupted her, suspecting that Evan would force her to keep rambling like that until he felt I was satisfied. I wasn't, but I didn't want to continue to humiliate the girl. Nor, did I think that I was going to get the full explanation anyways, no matter how long she grudgingly talked.

I found out the whole truth after the ugly incident the following week.

I was going to drive over to the Cullens' and then go with Nessie and Evan as they picked up Jacob from the airport from his annual visit to his family, when I discovered my third act of vandalism. Fortunately, Ian was over at Sukey's for the day, so I didn't have to deal with his drama on top of Evan's.

I nearly tripped over my boots as one part of my part of my brain reacted faster than the other part -

My car was no longer facing the house.

The Hearse had been moved so that the trunk was the first thing I saw.

It was the only thing I saw. The eyes that I had painted on the back, which had been subconsciously done in imitation of Evan's, were repainted. These new ones had thicker, angrier, and blacker lines that stood out from the metallic black background. But the major change was that instead of his butterscotch yellow – they were scarlet with oozing crimson tear drops.

They were angry and evil, and I didn't want to go near my car at all. I didn't in fact. I called Evan, and then waited on the porch for him until he got there. It was a good thing I did that too, because I needed him to catch me when I nearly fainted from the sight of the inside of my car.

The interior was filled with white rose petals that were covered in blood.

It was horrible and ghastly, and the stench was unbelievable. I'm not sure how Evan withstood it for as long as he did. He eventually sent me into the house to decrease his temptation, but not before we both saw the note taped to the ancient cassette player, which said, "Play me." When we did, the American pop song "Dirty Little Secret" blared out.

That's when it hit me. This wasn't like the vandalisms before, in which someone with a petty grievance against me lashed out. No, this was a vampire who had beef with Evan and was lashing out at him through me.

Putain!

I could smell it as soon as I arrived. The scent of blood, and not just any blood, but human blood was originating from her car. It made the back of my throat burn and my venom instinctively surge in readiness. I stopped breathing to reduce its impact on me. This helped some, but I couldn't go to Cadie like I wanted to, to comfort her.

Instead I walked around to the back of the car and examined what had alarmed her first. As soon as I saw it, my whole body tensed with the need to commit violence. They were vampire eyes, the kind of a conscienceless monster, and they were put there to taunt me. Cadie was being threatened and my territory was being invaded, and I wanted to rip apart the perpetrator.

Cadie, unnaturally, took comfort from my presence, even though I was at my most dangerous. She stepped off the porch and joined me as I walked towards the driver's side of the car to discover the source of the abominable but tantalizing scent. The sight of the crimson gore made the aching nearly unbearable, and it was all I could do not to sink my teeth into Cadie's neck when I prevented her head from cracking against the ground.

I distracted myself by looking for the note that I knew was going to be there. Sure enough, there was one taped to the stereo. It was in the same familiar handwriting that I came to loath more than I did myself. I took Cadie's keys from her hand and started the car so that I could do as it instructed. After only a few measures of the song played, I felt Cadie stiffen, and when I looked at her face, I could tell from her dilated eyes and open mouth that she was beginning to comprehend the situation that I had been trying to keep from her.

"Cadie," I said gently but firmly, "Can you go into the house, for me please? I'm going to drive it a short distance away, and when Jacob gets here, I'll have him clean it up, good as new."

"No, no, I can clean it. You don't have to do that!" she protested. "You're not even breathing."

My lips twitched into a tight-lipped, but nevertheless amused smile, "You can't even stay upright around it. Relax. I'll have the windows down so fresh air will keep my head cool. Go in, Cadie, and lock the door."

She nodded and headed in. I drove the Hearse down the road and hid it in a dense grove of trees, but only after I called Jasper and confirmed that he was near enough to watch over her. Alice's gift was coming in handy once again.

I wish my abilities were coming in handy just as well, not only with finding the Bloody Bastard, but also with dealing with Cadie. She wasn't going to like the answers to her coming questions.

The honeymoon stage is so over. The man-boy needs to grow up. Relationships require honesty. They are a partnership, and it is kind of hard to have that when one person has all the power. He's physically strong, intellectually exceptional, gorgeous beyond compare, rich, talented, and now he is hording all the information about our mutual problems. Ach!

Once he returned, breathing like a normal human being and slightly less tense and aloof as before, we got in his truck and went to his house, where he showed me all the notes. Yes, that was plural. He had received three others besides the one left in my car. The first one had been on the back of a photograph saying "tasty," and the second had been painted on the inside of one of my old paint shirts that I had left in the Studio. It said in blood, "inspiring." The last had been more of a series of notes, each leaving commentary on my sketches. That was even more of a violation than the redoing of the paint job on my Hearse.

I wasn't sure what to say to Evan about it all. I knew he was trying to protect me, but he had Nessie lie to me too, and the fact that I am putting him and the Cullens in danger still has to be dealt with, because the "Bloody Bastard" is right – I am Evan's dirty little secret. This psycho vampire can go to the Volturi at any time and tell them that they are breaking the Rule, and it's frustrating that Evan is trying to gloss over it to keep me from worrying, saying things like "If he intended to do so, he would have already." Blah blah blah.

I probably should be more concerned about the likelihood of my continued existence. Normal girls would be worried if a superhuman maniac was after them, I'm sure. However, I have ceased to place myself in that category. I can't control what this person does, and I obviously can't do anything about it, other than to trust in the Cullens to watch out for me.

But they shouldn't have to.

A week after the White Rose Travesty, I was fed up with going in circles and getting nowhere, so I decided to talk to people who I knew would be as objective as possible and willing to give me a straight answer, Carlisle and Esme. I had Nessie distract Evan long enough for me to sneak up to the office where we had prearranged to meet.

Esme kindly handed me a hot cup of tea, having learned that this seems to calm my nerves rather well, and Carlisle greeted me with a warm smile, saying "What can we do for you, Cadie?"

"You can give me answers. Honest ones."

They both settled back, while Carlisle said, "What would you like to know?"

Twisting my hands, feeling a bit ridiculous, I mumbled, "I need to know why you think I'm worth the risk." At their puzzled expressions, I continued more urgently, "I mean, why let me into your home and lives when my knowledge of you endangers you so? You don't have the guarantee that you had with Bella…"

Carlisle softly stated, "You're right. Alice doesn't have a clear vision of you permanently joining the family, to put it delicately, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen…Even if it doesn't, what you have done for this family has been worth it. I'm sure my wife explained that to you in her letter that she gave you."

"She did mention it, but I'm not sure I fully understood why it was so," I admitted.

Esme smiled sweetly, "You changed Evan. He was bitter, angry, and aloof when he first came to us – "

"Like a cantankerous and taciturn old man," I inserted facetiously.

She laughed, "Yes, like an old man that occasionally had outbursts of a young mischievous and charming boy." More solemnly, she continued, "Despite his pain though, he had a gift for reaching out to others. Jasper struggled intensely with guilt for not being able to be as in control as some of the rest of us, and Evan was able to help him overcome that. Jacob had someone who he could talk to that could share his pain as Edward and Bella resist the idea that Nessie is old enough to see him in a new light. He's done little things like that, but when you came along, he finally doesn't have to pretend to be happy. Thank you."

Humbled, I whispered, "Welcome, I guess."

Carlisle interjected, "May I ask you a question?" When I nodded, he inquired, "How would our answer have changed the situation any?"

Frustrated, I shrugged, admitting, "I don't know how it would have. It doesn't really make a difference, since what's done is done. I guess, I just wanted reassurance from the horse's mouth."

We sat in silence for a little bit until I was able to articulate what I was thinking. "I understand why you would not object to letting Evan and me be friends and more, but why haven't you just left us to our fate? Wouldn't it be safer for you, if you left Evan and me to our folly?"

"Evan's family now," Esme asserted, obviously strongly believing that no other reason was necessary.

Carlisle questioned, concerned, "You consider yours and Evan's relationship folly?"

"Isn't it?" I replied. "Especially, now with all the things that have been going on? Your family is in danger because we foolishly pursued something that seems to bring more harm than good."

"Love is not foolish," Carlisle maintained. "Would you be having these doubts, if whoever it was that's harassing us had not come?"

I barely even hesitated, "No."

He smiled magnanimously, "Then let me put your mind at ease. Whoever this is had a vendetta against Evan before you it seems, and if that is the case, then he would have found some other way to torment him. As Nessie is the easiest target, it would most likely have been her."

Once I got over the horror of his logic, I realized that it was hard to refute. Nearly convinced, I posed yet another question, "Does everyone share the same opinion? I know Jasper and Rosalie were not happy with my intrusion in the beginning…?"

He sighed, "Rosalie is Rosalie. She's jealous of you, for having the possibility of a life that she can never have now. Jasper has come around, however."

Not surprised at his explanation of Rosalie, or really caring for that matter, I focused my attention on his revelation about Jasper, asking "Why?"

He thought about it for a moment, finally saying, "Because of your special abilities, he can't quite sense your emotions like everyone else and he especially can't influence them, but he has a good enough 'read,' as it were, that he can sense the depth of your love for Evan. Alice may not be able to predict for certain that you will be one of us, but because he knows Evan and because of this knowledge of you, he feels certain that you will be, which is good enough for him. There is also the fact that you have become the friend that Nessie so desperately needed."

"Which is something that we all love you for," Esme added.

I chewed on that for awhile. The more I talked with them, the more I felt as if I was rising to the surface of my own pool of confusion and quandaries. But something he said brought up yet another question, "What exactly do you think are my 'abilities'? Evan has never been able to really explain that."

"Well, to use an analogy that Edward once used for Bella, you're brain seems to be tuned to FM, while most everyone else is AM."

"But Jasper can 'sense' my emotions, Edward can get the gist of my thoughts, and Alice gets occasional glimpses of my future …" I pointed out.

"You're right," he agreed, "That is not an apt analogy. To be more accurate, you are like Bella, who is, what a friend of ours has called, a shield, in that you have some kind of protection about you're person. However, it is not a mental one alone like hers. Your shield seems to be inhibiting anything that is in connection with your volition, rather than just your mind."

No wonder Evan never tried to explain this, for it really was beyond me. Seeking clarification, I began to speak my thought process aloud, "So, the reason Edward hears my thoughts with 'static interference' is because my shield … filters out… anything that may convey what my future choice will be, because that may give him an advantage to counter that choice? Like he does when he is playing someone in chess? And the reason Jasper can't influence my emotions is because that trespasses on my freewill and by knowing exactly what I'm feeling might give him an edge like Edward and the same goes for Alice?"

"Yes, your analogy of static is good. It especially works for when Nessie tried her image projecting gift with you. Your shield threw up 'white noise' in case her foreign thoughts might interfere with your autonomy," Carlisle seemed very satisfied that we had come to this level of understanding of my unique version of bizarre.

Feeling slightly more sure of myself, I conveyed my gratitude before Evan began to become too curious as to the reason for my absence, "Thank you, for all this, Carlisle, Esme. It's nice to be able to have my doubts genuinely considered. Evan has been stuck in protective mode to the point that he just wants to give me pat reassurances."

"He could also be just as insecure about this as you are," Carlisle observed. "Talk to him, Cadie."

I nodded in acknowledgement of his wisdom and made my way to the door. Just before I opened it, Esme called after me softly, "Cadie, remember you are not an intrusion to our family. You are a welcome addition."

I walked out that door feeling more secure than I had ever felt since before my world became topsy-turvy. I may have become a target for a psycho vampire, but I was now a confirmed member of the Cullen Clan. What more could a girl like me ask for?

AN: Not as fluffy. How did I do?