Wang Yi,
*giant tea spit stain*
Ha. Very funny. I wouldn't exactly touch you with a five-foot pole. Plus, if I wanted a crazy kinky woman, I can just go over to Chunhua.
*It's Zhen Ji posing as Wang Yi and she is really making this melodramatic.*
Lord Sima Yi,
I have a child that is of your blood and you would just leave me all alone in this cruel world of rapists and murderers? Do you know what happened to me before I came to Wei? Ma Chao killed my entire family and I was all alone with my only daughter. I had to cover us in feces in order to prevent rapists from getting to us. You want to let me experience that again? I never knew you could be this cruel.
Wang Yi *sort of crooked because Zhen Ji was snickering while writing*
Wang Yi,
Okay, here's the thing. I. AM. CRUEL. I kill people and I enjoy it. I don't think I would have a heart if such a situation were to surface. Also, we never had sex, so there is no way you could have a child. I remember you had sex with Guo Jia, maybe it's his?
Lord Sima Yi,
We got drunk one night and I'm pretty sure you did me.
Wang Yi
Wang Yi,
Uh, I don't drink. Unless it's Guo Jia forcing a tube down my throat and poured gallons down it.
Lord Sima Yi,
You could at least give me money to care for this child.
Wang Yi
Wang Yi,
Then ask Cao Cao. And Zhen Ji, if you wanted money, you could just ask.
Zhen Ji,
Please, Wang Yi isn't that melodramatic. And her handwriting is more "messier and spiky" than "curvy and fancy."
Zhen Ji,
I called Chunhua crazy kinky, so what?
Zhen Ji,
That's none of your business!
Zhen Ji,
N-No! (She does sometimes.) Now get your nose out of my sex life!
Cao Cao,
I have no artistic abilities, so that picture of you and Zhang He is probably made by someone else.
Father,
Do you know how many years I have tried to grow a beard? I am trying! But... I just can't...
Yi,
Then you're no man.
Your father
Father,
I am able to do other things! I can... pleasure women without actually trying!
Yi,
Your pretty boy face is what does all the work. Take away that, and you're mateless. Chunhua could have left you if you had a face of a horse.
Your father
Father,
That's not true! (And you're the one here with a horse face!) She would leave me I turned into a vegetable!
Yi,
Oh really? Go ask her what is your best feature.
Your father
Father,
Oh fine, I will!
Dear Chunhua,
If I lost my good looks, would you still stay married to me?
Sima Yi,
*trying very hard to stall* Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ummmmm... I... like you... in a... sort of a... how... a... It's like... It's like owning a dog. Once it becomes a little old, you try to continue loving it, but... it's hard.
Zhang Chunhua
Chunhua,
All of those long pauses and comparing our marriage to owning a pet... Gee, you could have been a little more discreet or more straightforward.
Chunhua,
Based on how you're writing, I'm going to assume you only like me for my looks.
Chunhua,
If you're trying to cheer me up by saying I'm pleasurable at sex, it's not working because you shouldn't need to say that.
Yi,
I guess I didn't need that belt. Chunhua already does my job for you.
Your father
Father,
Yeah, and she hits harder than you!
Yi,
Oh? I'm assuming you get bottom then?
Your father
Father,
Ha, you wish. (It gets shared.) I still top her.
Yi,
You're awful at lying. I can see it in her face. She is the one who has more balls than you. If she were born a man, I would have disowned you and have her as my heir instead.
Your father
Father,
I'm the one here with actual balls.
Yi,
But you don't use them.
Your father
Father,
Who had eight children? You. Who had ten children? Me. Who died at 70? You. Who died at 72? Me.
Father,
I'm a grown man! I don't need your shit! You're an old man and a fool!
Father,
Well, I got my mother's side! Maybe that's why I can't grow one!
Yi,
Oh, so you have women genes? Ha! No wonder!
Your father
Father,
At least my genes made a kingdom! You died being a Wei bitch!
Yi,
You did too, BIEEEECH!
Your father
Father,
At least I didn't suck Cao Cao's dick in order to rise in rank!
Yi,
Yeah, you started to suck his son's dick!
Your father
Father,
Ha! I don't give blowjobs! I get them!
Yi,
Have you actually gotten one? Or you're too much a pussy to order someone to? I bet you can't even make Chunhua give you one.
Your father
Father,
Oh, you would know. Your dick is limp as fuck even Mother wouldn't go near it! And I could if I wanted to! I just don't want to stain her mouth since she kisses her sons with it!
Yi,
Are you sure you should talking to me like this? In front of your sons, too. You're setting a bad example.
Your father
Father,
I will raise my children how I want! I'm not a kid where I have to be lectured by you! Them too! They are adults capable of saying every swear and vulgarity in the goddamn book and they can hear me saying them as well!
Father,
Fine! Leave! That's what you always do!
Yi,
I spent all of my youth caring for you and Lang! Then you repay me with this... this... disrespect?!
Your father
Father,
You beat me until I couldn't feel anything! I'll be damned to be treating you with kindness!
Yi,
It was for your own good! Look where you are now! You're Cao Cao's top man!
Your father
Father,
Cao Cao was a better father than you.
Yi,
How dare you...? I... I... er... Gah!
*no signature*
Dear Yuanji,
Okay, he's gone. Take off those clothes and make-up and go change back to your clothes. I'm sorry you had to sit there and watch out quarrel.
Yuanji,
Your father was better man than him. Anyway, find Zhao. Tell him I already killed the king rat.
Father,
Here's your case. Now what else did you forget?
Father,
Uh... that boy is... er...
Zhao,
You shut it.
Yi,
This boy is your son. I can see his mother's face on him.
Your father
Father,
I'm going to assume you're going to give me more reasons why you're disappointed in me.
Yi,
This boy is what I always wanted in a son! I guess you didn't fail that much.
Your father
Father,
(WHAT? He likes Zhao?! Huh?!) This is Zhao. I'll let you two bond now. (He fucking likes Zhao better than Shi and I combined! I 'oughta... Nragh!)
Chunhua,
Oh, you heard the quarrel? Sorry you had to hear the both of us yell obscenities to each other.
Chunhua,
(Oh, you would like that, would you?) No, I was just saying that to my father. I didn't actually want you to give a job that blows. (Could... you...)
Chunhua,
Wait, wait,wait! If you're offering, I'll gladly take it!
Sima Yi,
Too late.
Zhang Chunhua
Chunhua,
Aw! (ARGH! WHY?! You're messing with me like I'm some chew toy!)
Shi,
Yeah, yeah. You're the baby daddy and blah, blah... I'll be in my room.
Wang Yi,
I want it!
Wang Yi,
I'll give you all the wine you can drink for six months!
Wang Yi,
Okay, eight months. Now I want that obscene homoerotic story on Yue Ying and Chunhua. Of course I'm deposing of it.
Wang Yi,
YOU DOUBLE-CROSSING WENCH! This is a homoerotic story of Cao Pi and I! (More kindling for the fire, I guess.)
Lord Sima Yi,
No takies-backsies! Now get me my first round.
Wang Yi
Wang Yi,
(Nrgh... I acted too quickly to this... Huff...) Fine... I'll purchase all of your drinks for eight months. Any tab you set will be paid off by me.