Enter...
STEVE
I wake up before Andy. That's not unusual. What is unusual is that, judging by the amount of light outside, it's not much past seven o'clock in the morning. Not that this is a good morning at all. I can't fathom what kind of fool would call it that. If Chris meant to cut me down without actually revealing what I've done or eliminating me, this was a pretty good job. Boris was the one who was supposed to go home, but I was going to keep him on the island to keep the pressure off of me. Instead, Boris is gone. Now not only do I have to deal with Aunt Grandma and Wendy, both of whom can and will kick my ass, but their eyes will be on me. When I got in tight with Andy, I thought that it would pay off plenty of ways. I thought it would make the vote outcomes more likely so nobody would catch on to me rigging them. I thought it would make him my friend and willing to help me. I thought because people liked him less, he'd be a shield I could hide behind.
I did not think that it would end up with our friendship being the closest thing to an alliance in the final four. Admittedly, that's partially my fault. If I saw any alliances forming, I would have split them up. And my messing with the votes probably killed any chance that anybody on this island would trust anybody else. But alliances are worrying to people on the outside of them. Which means that while I'd love it if Wendy and Aunt Grandma were focused on knocking each other out, I've made myself and Andy look like equally dangerous targets.
Add into that how Chris implied at last night's campfire ceremony that today would be a double elimination, and the odds get much worse. Even if Aunt Grandma and Wendy don't work together, one of them is probably moving on. Both of them might move into the finale, really. And that leaves either me or Andy on the outside. I don't like those odds.
I hear a horn blare through the morning air. Andy wakes up dazed.
"Huh? What's going on?" he mumbles.
"Attention peasants!" an unfamiliar voice says. "Come out to the main festival hall, where the greatest wizard of all will amaze and astound you with feats of magic!"
"Give me that," Chef grumbles in the background. He clears his throat, and the microphone picks it up at high volume. "He means that you all need to get to the mess hall for today's challenge. That is all."
The intercom shuts off. I look over at Andy.
"Who do you think it is?" I ask.
"Whoever it is, he sounds totally lame," Andy says.
"Yep. Totally lame," Andy says as soon as we step into the mess hall.
I can't disagree with him. That's because today, our challenger is Leonard.
I want to be clear. I don't have a problem with nerds. I am a nerd. But Leonard is the type of nerd that other nerds look down upon. LARPing is one thing; it may not be socially acceptable, but lots of places have Renaissance Fairs, and honestly, LARPing is pretty much the same thing. But Leonard has a serious problem with realizing the difference between games and real life. He seems to seriously think he's a wizard, he doesn't realize why nobody likes him, and his voice is really annoying. On top of all that, he was incredibly lame on international TV. So no, I'm not a fan of Leonard. I don't think anybody is. He's just the type of nerd that other nerds all wish would disappear. You can call it lameness by association.
There's an upside to this, in that he probably won't make us do a physical challenge. Of course, if the alternative is cheering on his stupid wizard powers, I'd rather go back to Eva's weightlifting challenge. At least that was over quickly.
"Huzzah!" Leonard cheers. "You have all arrived! Take a seat at the table of trepidation!"
That's another thing that he changed. He's sitting near the kitchen, behind a large half-moon table. There are four seats on the left side of it, one for each of us, and each one an actual chair instead of a stool, with plenty of elbow room for all of us. There's another chair on the other side of the table, but Chris is sitting in it, sipping on a glass of tomato juice.
"Hey Chris," Wendy says, sliding into one of the chairs. "What's with the tomato juice?"
"Tomato juice?" Chris asks. "I never drink...tomato juice."
"But it's your favorite drink," I say. It's true. Sierra mentioned it in the Yukon episode.
Chris frowns. "Dude, I was making an allusion."
We stare at him silently.
"You know, Dracula?" he prompts. "Bela Lugosi? I never drink...wine?"
"Yes, you're very funny," Aunt Grandma says flatly.
Chris groans. "Fine. Whatever. Don't take a hint."
"Wait, what's the hint?" I ask.
"The hint is, Leonard is a total loser and this is going to be a totally lame episode," Chris says. "Got it? Good. McLean out!"
Chris swivels his chair around, leaving us facing the dark black back of his chair and completely hiding him from view. The rest of us take our seats. Leonard grins.
"Welcome, valiant warriors, to a world where vampires rule the nighttime air! Where villages cower in fear before their terrifying supernatural overlords! Where the only protectors of innocence and justice are brave wizards, strong fighters, charismatic rogues, spoony bards, forthright–"
"He wants you to play a one-shot of Villages and Vampires," Chef interrupts.
"I was getting to that!" Leonard protests.
"Villages and Vampires," I say happily. "Man, I used to play that all the time in college."
It's true. When I wasn't busting my ass studying, I hung out with friends. We were all pretty nerdy, so a lot of us were into tabletop RPGs. I guess I eventually drifted away from the hobby, since it wasn't my thing in the first place. Still, I remember enough about it that I'd bet I'm probably the most experienced player at this table. If I can roll well today, everything's going to come up my way.
Andy snorts. "Sounds like something my nerdy little brother would play."
Chef Hatchet puts character sheets and pencils in front of each of us. "Leonard will help you roll up your characters. I'm gonna go into the kitchen so I can avoid all this creepy nerd stuff."
I didn't roll too badly. I didn't have any spectacular rolls, apart from a 16 that I put in Intelligence, but I didn't have any truly horrible rolls, apart from a 6 that I put in Charisma. Really, it's a good thing I chose to be our wizard, because Aunt Grandma wanted to be a cleric and Wendy wanted to be a barbarian. That left Andy to try and choose a class. He went with rogue, leaving us as a pretty balanced team. We could probably have used another spellcaster, but that would require a fifth member. Besides, as the only magic user, I'm the most vital part of our team.
"Kitchen wench!" Leonard calls. "Bring us out the victuals!"
Chef exits the kitchen and gets in Leonard's face. "What'd you call me, wizard boy?"
Leonard looks nervous. "I mean, Archchancellor Hatchet! Please, send out the victuals!"
"That's better," Chef grumbles, reentering the kitchen.
When Chef comes out again, he's pushing a food cart piled high with all kinds of delicious, crunchy, salty snacks. Before any of us can react, Chef goes back into the kitchen and brings out another cart stacked with pizza and fried foods. He then goes into the kitchen and brings out a decently large fridge with a bunch of sodas inside and a large bowl of candy bars.
"Eat, young warriors!" Leonard tells us. "All adventurers need plenty of energy before they set out on an epic quest!"
We don't need to be told twice. All of us grab some food and dig in.
"You know," Andy says to me through a mouthful of pizza, "I'm starting to think this Leonard guy isn't totally lame after all."
...he isn't right, but he's not wrong. At least Leonard thought to feed us. Pretty much everybody else has let us suffer through Chef's food. Then again, Leonard's running an RPG, and everybody knows a decent gaming session needs plenty of unhealthy snacks.
About half an hour later, most of us are stuffed, although I'm pretty sure we'll hit the snack tables a few more times while we still can. If you'd been surviving on Chef's cooking for the last few weeks, you'd do the same.
"So, you said something about an epic quest," Aunt Grandma says calmly. "What is it?"
Leonard rubs his hands together sinisterly. "Oh, you'll see soon enough." He looks confused. "Actually, what was it? Let's see here..." He puts up his screen and looks at his notes. "Ah! You all meet in an inn."
"Like, a motel?" Andy asks.
"No, like a tavern," I say.
"So this adventure starts in a bar," Aunt Grandma says. "Let me guess, we'll have to go on the epic quest of choosing a designated driver?"
"No!" Leonard says. "You all, by sheer chance, choose the same table to sit at."
"Really?" Wendy asks. "I usually sit at the bar, personally. Not that I'd, uh, know anything about that."
"I don't go to bars," Aunt Grandma says. "The alcohol is always overpriced."
"Ignoring Aunt Grandma's lack of a social life–" Andy says.
"Hey!" Aunt Grandma protests.
"–what kind of weirdos sit down at a table with people they don't even know?" he asks.
"There's nowhere else to sit, okay?" Leonard says.
"Why's the bar so crowded?" Andy asks. "Do they have a hopping band or something?"
"No!" Leonard says. "The tavern is almost deserted!"
"So why are we all sitting together?" Wendy asks. "No offense, but I wouldn't want to sit next to any of you if I had a choice."
"You're a barbarian," I point out.
"What's your point?" she asks.
"All of the other chairs and tables are either occupied or destroyed!" Leonard quickly says. "So you all have to sit together at the same table. You have been sitting there for about ten minutes when you are approached by a beautiful young woman with incredibly pale skin, long black hair, and vibrant red lips."
"I'll take a beer," Wendy says.
"I'll have a beer too," Andy says. "Oh, and a burger."
"Everclear for me," I say.
"Two shots of Old Crow and a glass of water," Aunt Grandma says.
"She's not a waitress!" Leonard says.
"Oh, well where's our waitress then?" Andy asks. "I mean, we're in a bar, and there's no band playing. Obviously we're here to drink."
"She's not your waitress!" Leonard exclaims. "Just listen, okay?"
"How do we play, anyway?" Wendy asks. "Do we just roll these dice?"
"Yeah, you roll the dice to see how successful you were at an action," I say.
"Hold on," Andy says. "Can we roll to be successful at anything?"
"Um, yes," Leonard says. "Anyway, this young lady–"
"Is she hot?" Andy asks.
"Yes, she's beautiful, and she needs your help," Leonard says. "There have been–"
"Which of these dice do I need to roll?" Andy asks.
"Twenty-sided," I tell him.
"You don't need to roll any dice!" Leonard says.
Andy ignores him. "Twenty-sided, twenty-sided..."
I pick up a d20 and hand it to him. He grins at me.
"Thanks, Steve," he says. "Anyway, I roll to seduce her."
"You can't roll to seduce her!" Leonard says, sounding upset.
Andy rolls the die. 11.
"Is an eleven good enough?" he asks.
"No!" Leonard says. "No trying to seduce her!"
"Okay, what if I buy her a drink, would that help?" Andy asks.
"Yeah, where is our waitress anyway?" Wendy asks.
"Just! Listen!" Leonard demands. "She comes up to you and asks for your help, since you're all adventurers."
"Wait, how does she know that?" Wendy asks. "We've never met each other before."
Leonard ignores her. "There's a castle on the hill just outside the village, and strange things have been going on inside. She'll give you 20 gold each and pay your bar tab if you investigate it."
"But we haven't even ordered anything," Andy says. "We don't have a bar tab."
"And besides...what's the weather like outside?" Wendy asks.
"It's a dark and stormy night!" Leonard says excitedly. "The wind is howling, the rain is occasionally coming down, and there is no moon in the sky."
"Yeah, no thanks," Wendy says. "I'm gonna kick back here where it's warm and dry."
"I'm with you," Aunt Grandma says. "No sense in going out there for no reason."
"Oh, come on!" Leonard whines. "You have to investigate the castle."
"Yeah, sorry, but since we get to choose what we do in this game, no chance," Andy says.
Leonard frowns. "Fine. You express your unwillingness to go up to the castle to the woman, and she attacks...you!" He points at me and rolls a die. "Roll a Reflex save!"
17 with a -1 penalty.
"16," I say.
Leonard frowns. "You dodge. Roll for initiative, all of you."
"What, me?" Andy asks. "Why should I fight? I don't know this guy!" He looks at me apologetically. "In-character, that is."
"Hey, I get it," I say.
"Wait, so is this the part where we fight stuff?" Wendy asks.
"Yes!" Leonard says. "You know, depending on how you roll."
Wendy shrugs and picks up a die. Aunt Grandma and I do the same thing, and Andy rolls his eyes and picks up a die as well.
"I'm only doing this because I don't want to lose the challenge," Andy warns us. "Not because I'm gonna defend the rest of you if we get attacked by some crazy lady with mental issues."
"Oh, nobody loses at Villages and Vampires!" Leonard says happily. "You know, unless you don't have fun, or your gaming group kicks you out for being too weird, or there's a TPK. But otherwise, everybody wins."
Andy rolls his eyes and his die. The rest of us do the same. 9 for Andy, 4 for Aunt Grandma, 6 for me and 15 for Wendy.
"16!" Wendy calls.
"9," Andy says.
"5," I admit.
"4," Aunt Grandma says bitterly.
"Wendy, you go first!" Leonard says. "What do you choose to do?"
"I hit her with my greataxe," Wendy says.
"Roll to hit!" Leonard says.
"How much dice rolling does this game have, anyway?" Wendy asks.
"Lots," Leonard, Aunt Grandma, and I answer simultaneously.
Wendy rolls a 5.
"You miss but cleave the table in twain," Leonard says. "Andy! What do you do?"
"I hit her with my hammer," Andy says boredly. He rolls a 15. "Did that hit?"
"It does," Leonard says. "Roll for damage!"
Andy picks up the d20, but Leonard stops him. "No, a d6."
"Six-sided die," I explain.
"Got it," Andy says. He picks one up and rolls a four.
"Okay, you smash her elbow with your hammer," Leonard says. "Steve?"
"Well, I gotta conserve my magic, so...I punch her?" I suggest.
"Roll to hit," Leonard says.
I roll and wince. 2.
Leonard shakes his head. "You miss and almost punch Andy in the face."
"Hey!" Andy complains.
"I said almost!" Leonard says.
"Oh, I'd be saying more than hey if it wasn't almost!" Andy says. "Whatever. Now what?"
"My turn," Aunt Grandma says. "I'm going to use my elven curved blade to cut her throat out." She grabs a die and rolls a 12. "Is that good enough?"
"Roll for damage," Leonard says.
Aunt Grandma grins. "Ten-sided die?"
Leonard nods. Aunt Grandma grabs the die and rolls a seven.
"You don't cut her throat out, but you do slice through her windpipe, and she collapses on the table and suffocates," Steve says.
"Well, that was easy," Wendy says proudly.
"Of course it was, it was the first encounter of the game," Aunt Grandma says.
"Well, if nobody else is going to do anything, I'm going to take her wallet," Andy says.
"Roll to take the wallet," Leonard says.
Andy rolls his eyes but rolls a die. 20.
"Not only do you take the wallet," Leonard says, "but you happen to snag a piece of paper along with it, that promises her a reward for every person she manages to send up to the castle."
Andy shrugs. "Meh, not my problem. So how much money is in the wallet?"
"20 silver and 5 copper," Leonard says.
"Next round's on me, guys," Andy says.
"A large man approaches your table," Leonard says.
"Good, our waiter's finally here," Andy says. "I'll have a beer and a burger."
"A shot of Everclear for me," I say.
"Two shots of Old Crow and a glass of water," Aunt Grandma says.
"A beer, and do you guys sell wings?" Wendy asks. "Really craving some Buffalo wings right now."
"Yeah, you're not getting any of that," Leonard says. We look at him, confused. "I'm speaking as the innkeeper, okay? Anyway," he clears his throat, "You guys just killed somebody and destroyed one of the few tables I have left. I'm kicking you out."
"But we didn't even get to order!" Wendy complains.
"Look, are you gonna leave peacefully or not?" Leonard asks.
"C'mon, man, it's windy–" Andy protests.
"And sometimes rainy–" I add.
"Outside," Andy says. "Can't we just let bygones be bygones?"
"Out, the innkeeper says, pointing to the door," Leonard says.
"Fine, let's go," Aunt Grandma says.
"C'mon, we can take him," Wendy says. "We just took down that weird chick with like no trouble at all."
Aunt Grandma raises an eyebrow. "Firstly, that was in self-defense. This would be murder. Secondly, murdering an innkeeper is a bad idea, since they're usually good at fighting in worlds like this. And finally, Leonard is obviously railroading us towards the castle, so we should get moving anyway."
"I'm not trying to railroad!" Leonard complains. "You people just don't want to move!"
"And your point is..." Wendy prompts.
"My point is, it's a one-shot!" Leonard says. "There's a beginning, a middle, and an end, and you people just want to stay at the beginning, forever, drinking alcohol and eating wings!"
"That actually sounds pretty good," I say.
Leonard groans. "Would you please just follow the plot? Archchancellor Hatchet had me write it especially for you."
"And it didn't occur to you to add subplots or other possible paths to explore?" Aunt Grandma asks. "It seems to me that a good GM would take into account the mercurial nature of his players and allow them to help craft the story. That's kind of the point of the whole collaborative storytelling concept."
"I would, but–look, would you just trust me on this?" Leonard asks. "I promise, you can help craft the story, but there's a plot point we need to hit, and it's in the castle as we speak!"
"But that's my point," Aunt Grandma says. "Why make your plot-critical points dependent upon your players going to a certain place at a certain time, especially in a one-shot like this?"
"Hold on, hold on, hold on," Andy says. He points at Aunt Grandma. "Why do you know so much about this nerd stuff? I swear, you're starting to sound like Kevin."
Aunt Grandma looks at him critically. "I have hobbies."
"You do?" Wendy asks, surprised.
"Yes, I do," Aunt Grandma says.
"And your hobbies are nerdy games like this," Andy says skeptically.
"Okay!" Leonard cuts him off. "To answer your question, Archchancellor Hatchet made sure I put it in. Happy?"
"Wait, why'd Chef make you include it?" Wendy asks. "What are you planning?"
"I–I can't tell you, it's a surprise!" Leonard says. "To tell you now would ruin the whole game."
"Okay, now I really want to know," Andy says.
"Me too," I add. "What are you hiding, Leonard?"
Leonard looks around nervously and then sighs. "I didn't want to have to do this..."
"C'mon, Lenny, you know you want to," Wendy says.
Leonard closes his eyes and then opens them wide and raises his arms. "SILENCIO ADVENTUROS!"
We look at him oddly. Andy opens his mouth, and though it moves, no sound comes out.
"I told you I didn't want to do this, but you kept making things go off track," Leonard says. "Now I just need a minute or two to think, and to get you to the castle door."
Andy says something angrily, but no sound comes out of his mouth.
"Whoa, Andy, did he really cast a silence spell?" I ask.
Andy and Wendy crack up.
"Dude, that was a prank," Andy says, still laughing. "And you fell for it!"
"Well–well it would've worked if you all believed in me!" Leonard says angrily.
"Yeah, good luck with that," Aunt Grandma says.
Leonard pouts. "Would you at least go to the castle?"
"Fine, whatever, we'll go to your stupid castle," Andy says.
"Huzzah!" Leonard cheers. "So, after walking through the wind and the occasional rain for half an hour, you arrive at the castle doors. The castle is large and imposing, with sixteen-foot-high doors. You stare at the doors and you know that after this, nothing will ever be the same. Your destiny...lies through these doors."
"We go in," Wendy says impatiently.
"Wait!" I say. "We should check it for traps first."
Wendy looks at me skeptically. "Traps? Really?"
"Yeah," I say. "Andy, look for traps."
"Me? Why me?" Andy asks.
"You're our rogue!" I say. "You're supposed to check for traps!"
"Well how was I supposed to know that?" Andy asks. "That sounded useless. I put ranks in all kinds of non-useless things."
"Like what?" I ask. "Let me see your character sheet. Maybe there's something in there we can use."
"This is pointless," Andy says as he hands it over. "Who traps doors, anyway?"
"What, you've never heard of a trapdoor?" Aunt Grandma jokes.
"Boo!" Wendy says. "Boo! Bad pun! Bad! Boo!"
"Yeah, that sucked," Andy adds.
"It was pretty bad," Leonard says. "And I should know. I'm a Level 8 Pungeon Master."
I look over Andy's skills. He has 1 rank in Sneak Attack, Acrobatics, Bluff, Diplomacy, Escape Artist, and Intimidate. None of those things will help us avoid a trap.
"Okay," I say. "Does anybody else have any skills that might be helpful?"
"If it's an animal, I can handle it," Wendy says.
"That's not what Handle Animal does," Leonard says.
"Oh. Then no, not really," Wendy says.
I groan. "Fine. I roll a Knowledge (Engineering) check for traps."
Leonard rolls a die behind his screen. "Go ahead."
I roll a d20 and get a 9. With my rank in the skill and +3 intelligence bonus, that adds up to a 13.
"13," I tell him.
"You know that there's a trap behind the door, but you're not sure what it is," Leonard says. "You only know that as soon as you open the door, something is going to fall on your heads."
"Okay, is there an overhang over our heads right now?" Wendy asks.
"No, there isn't," Leonard says.
"Okay, guys, here's what we do," Wendy says. "Andy, you're the dexterity and dodging guy. You open the door and then jump back. We'll be standing a few feet behind you, just in case."
"Man...fine," Andy grumbles.
"Because you know the trap is going to come down on you, you get a one-time +3 bonus to your Reflex save," Leonard tells Andy. "Roll wisely."
"Do I need to open the door, or can I do that without any effort?" Andy asks sarcastically.
"Roll your die, brave rogue!" Leonard declares.
Andy groans, picks up a d20, and rolls it. 14.
"Make your Reflex save!" Leonard tells him.
Andy rolls again. 9.
"So does 14 save?" he asks Leonard after consulting his character sheet.
"No," Leonard says. "Because nothing happens, even after you wait a couple of minutes to be sure."
"What, really?" Wendy asks. "Did the trap not go off, or what?"
Leonard smiles. "You'll just have to go inside and check...if you dare."
"Okay, hold on, I'm confused," Andy says. "I thought you wanted us to go in the castle."
"I do!" Leonard says.
"Then why are you making it so that not going in the castle is the sane choice?" Andy asks.
"Because–it's fun?" Leonard says, sounding uncomfortable.
"Not that Andy isn't right about the smart choice being to go home and have a cup of hot chocolate," Aunt Grandma says, "but we are playing a game without any actual physical consequences."
"She's not wrong," Wendy says. "Besides, we should really get into the castle eventually."
"Yeah," I say. "I wouldn't put it past Chris to turn this into another Awakeathon."
"Please," Wendy says. "It's not like you can spend days rolling dice...right?"
Nobody answers her question.
"Crap..." Wendy mutters.
Leonard clears his throat. "So are you going in or what?"
"Fine," Wendy says. "I have the most health, so I'll go in first. Andy, you go in second. Aunt Grandma, Steve, you hash it out among yourselves."
"I'll go last," I volunteer.
"Whatever," Aunt Grandma says. "Do we need to–"
"You enter the castle!" Leonard proclaims.
"I roll a Spot check," I say. Natural 20.
"You see that the reason the portcullis didn't fall is because it is stuck," Leonard says. "You also see eight bats, resting next to a tapestry, and you sense that these bats mean you ill will."
"I try to shoot them with my crossbow," I say.
Leonard nods and rolls a die. "Roll at a -5 penalty."
I roll. 14. Leonard nods.
"Your shot hits the first bat in the wing and embeds itself harmlessly in the tapestry," Leonard says. "Roll for damage."
I roll the d8. 5.
"Although the bat doesn't fall to the floor, you know that it is dead," Leonard says.
"I fire another shot," I say.
Leonard rolls behind his screen. I roll a 16.
"You hit the bat in the chest," Leonard says. "Roll for damage."
I roll a 1.
"The bat is still alive, but its' lung is punctured and it is unable to make any noise and will die soon," Leonard says.
"I shoot again," I say.
We roll. This time I get a six. Leonard shakes his head.
"You miss, but your bolt quietly burrows into the tapestry," Leonard says.
"I fire again," I say.
Again we roll. I roll a two, and Leonard winces.
"You miss again, and the bat with the bleeding lung drops and hits the floor," Leonard says. "The other bats snap awake. You have one more shot before they start attacking you."
"Dammit!" Wendy says angrily. "Okay, Steve, you'd better make this count. I get my axe ready."
I rolled again. 6.
"You missed, and the bats are now swarming you," Leonard says. "Everybody, roll for initiative!"
We all rolled dice. I got a 16, Andy and Aunt Grandma both got 11s, and Wendy got a 1.
"Okay, Wendy, you'll miss this round due to equipment troubles, giving one of the bats a free shot at you," Leonard says. He rolls a few more dice and grins. "Andy, there's a bat coming right at you. Roll a Reflex save!"
Andy rolls a 14.
"18!" he calls out.
Leonard nods. "You dodge. Steve, what do you do?"
"I fire another shot at them," I say.
"Take a -13 penalty on that shot," Leonard says.
I gulp. I'll need a lot of luck to get a hit.
1.
Fuck.
"The bats that were going to attack Wendy and Aunt Grandma react to your shot by trying to attack you instead," Leonard says. "Aunt Grandma, Andy, you have a chance to make an attack of opportunity that will partially negate trying to hit a moving target if you try to take out a bat heading towards Steve."
"What's the modifier?" Aunt Grandma asks.
"Negative two," Leonard says.
Aunt Grandma shrugs. "It's worth a shot."
She and Andy both roll. Aunt Grandma gets a 10 (modified to 8) and Andy gets a 17 (modified to 15). Leonard nods and rolls some dice of his own before looking up at us.
"Aunt Grandma misses, but the bat reacts by trying to attack her, taking the heat off of Steve. Andy hits; roll for damage."
Andy rolls his d6 and gets a 5.
"That bat is dead!" Leonard declares. "Now, Aunt Grandma, make a Reflex save!"
Aunt Grandma rolls a 13. Leonard rolls a die of his own and nods.
"You dodge the bat," he says. He rolls some more dice and then looks at me. "Steve, make three Reflex saves, one for each bat."
12, 13, 8.
Leonard looks at my rolls and shrugs. "Good enough. You avoid the bats. Andy, make another Reflex save."
Andy frowns but rolls a die. 20.
"Not only do you avoid the bat completely, but you take a random swipe at it with your hammer and manage to connect," Leonard says. "Roll for damage–normal damage, not critical."
Andy rolls a 1. Leonard winces.
"The bat is disoriented and out of combat for a few rounds, but it'll be back in the air soon," Leonard says. "Steve, what do you choose to do?"
I look at my character sheet and frown. I only have three spells to use, and I'd like to keep them in my back pocket. On the other hand, I have the least amount of health and the most enemies.
"I cast acid splash to try and get the bats nearest me," I say.
Leonard nods. "Roll for success."
19.
"Okay, you manage to hit..." he rolls some dice "...all three of the bats. Roll for damage on each."
1d3, or half a six. I roll the dice and get a 4, a 5, and a 6–or a 2 and two 3s.
"All three bats are dead! Huzzah!" Leonard proclaims. "Aunt Grandma, your turn."
"Well I don't have much choice, do I?" Aunt Grandma says bitterly. "I try to hit the bat attacking me."
"Take a -5 penalty and roll," Leonard says.
Aunt Grandma does as commanded and gets a 15 (10). Leonard shakes his head. "You miss. Andy?"
"While the bat is dazed, I try to walk over to it and crush it under my foot," Andy says.
Leonard grimaces. "You're able to walk over there, but you can't step on it until the next round. Aunt Grandma, roll a Reflex save!"
They both roll dice. Leonard frowns and then looks over at Aunt Grandma's die. 7.
"How much is that with modifications?" Leonard asks.
"7," Aunt Grandma says.
"Then uh, you dodge. Barely," Leonard says. "Wendy, it's your turn. What do you do?"
"How many bats are left?" Wendy asks.
"The one attacking Aunt Grandma and the dazed one on the floor," Leonard says.
"I roll to attack the one attacking Aunt Grandma with my greataxe," Wendy says.
5. Leonard shakes his head.
"You miss completely. Aunt Grandma, roll a Reflex save."
Aunt Grandma scowls at Wendy but does as commanded. 17.
"Success!" Leonard says. "Wendy's greataxe misses you. Steve, it's your turn."
"I try to fire a crossbow bolt at the bat," I say.
"Remember, you're at a -13 penalty," Leonard warns me.
I shrug. "I'm not worried."
I roll. 13.
Leonard rolls a die. "Wendy, roll a Reflex save!"
Aunt Grandma smirks. It's Wendy's turn to scowl. She rolls a 20.
"Success!" Leonard says. "Not only that, but as you duck Steve's errant shot, you raise your greataxe sharply and make contact with the bat flying between you three. Roll for damage!"
"Which–" Wendy starts to ask.
"Twelve-sided," Leonard quickly responds.
Wendy grabs the die and rolls it. 11.
"The bat is dead! Huzzah!" Leonard says. "Andy, it's your turn."
"Wait, I thought it was my turn," Aunt Grandma says.
"It is," Leonard says. "But you're not really in a position to do anything in this round, so I figured I'd let Andy go first."
Aunt Grandma shrugs. "Fine."
"So Andy, you were about to squish the last bat, right?" Leonard asks.
"Yeah," Andy says.
"Then roll your die!" Leonard says.
Andy and Leonard both roll. Andy gets a six.
"The bat tries to squirm out from underneath your foot but is unable to do so in time," Leonard says. "The bats are all now dead."
"So, what, was that the entire adventure?" Wendy asks. "A bunch of pest control?"
"No!" Leonard says. "Your adventure continues! You just have to figure out where!"
"Is it in the next room?" I guess, half-sarcastically.
Leonard bows his head. "It is..."
"And where is that?" Aunt Grandma prompts.
Leonard sighs. "There is a large archway leading to the next room at the end of this room. I didn't mention it because the bats were more important, but it's easy to spot."
"I roll a Perception check," I say. I roll a 19, and Leonard shakes his head.
"You sense danger in the next room," Leonard says. "You hear low growling, the sound of claws on stone, and see shadows near the edges of the parts of the room you can see. They don't seem to be by the entrance, but there's definitely something in there."
"Okay, I'm going in first," Wendy says. "Aunt Grandma, Andy, you guard the entrance. Steve, you stay back here. I ready my greataxe."
"You enter the room, followed by Andy and Aunt Grandma," Leonard says. "You see five wolves. Roll for initiative."
We all roll, and Leonard makes a few rolls of his own. Andy gets a 7, Aunt Grandma gets an 14, I get a 3, and Wendy gets a natural 20.
"Wendy, you get a double attack on your turn," Leonard says. "So what do you do?"
"I attack the nearest wolf with my greataxe," Wendy says. She rolls a 19. "Do I hit?"
"Yes, roll for damage with a d12," Leonard says.
Wendy rolls a 10.
"You chop the wolf's head off, and it dies," Leonard says. "You have another attack."
"I swing again at the next-nearest wolf," Wendy says. She rolls a 15.
"The wolf dodges," Leonard says. "Aunt Grandma?"
"Does the wolf approach the door when it dodges?" Aunt Grandma asks.
"I suppose so," Leonard says.
"In that case, I try to attack it," Aunt Grandma says.
She rolls a 3. Leonard rolls his die and winces.
"The wolf...impales itself on your blade," Leonard says. "It thrashes around but will soon die. Unfortunately, you can't do anything with your weapon until it does. Wendy, make a Fortitude save."
Wendy rolls a 16. Leonard nods. "You succeed. Andy, what are you going to do?"
"I try to attack the nearest wolf," Andy says. He rolls a 2 and grins sheepishly. Leonard shakes his head.
"You miss," Leonard says. "Steve?"
"I fire a crossbow bolt at whatever wolf I can see that's closest to the entrance," I say.
"Take a -5 penalty for a moving target," Leonard says.
I fire. 11, modified to 6. Leonard rolls a die and winces.
"You hit a wolf that's not very close to anybody," Leonard says. "Roll for damage."
I pick up a d8 and roll it. 3.
"You hit the wolf in its stomach," Leonard says. "It's wounded, but not fatally. Wendy, roll a pair of Fortitude saves."
Leonard makes two rolls. Wendy does the same and gets a 17 and an 8.
"Do a 21 and a 12 save?" she asks sheepishly.
"One of them does, the other one doesn't," Leonard says. "One of the wolves bites your left arm and you take 2 damage. It's your turn now, though."
"I attack the wolf that just bit me," Wendy says. She rolls a 3. Leonard rolls as well and shakes his head.
"You hit it," Leonard says. "Roll for damage."
Wendy rolls a twelve-sided die and gets a 3.
"The wolf is injured–not horribly, but it's bleeding," Leonard says. "You managed to leave a nasty cut down its side. Aunt Grandma?"
"I try to attack the nearest wolf," Aunt Grandma says. She rolls a 6. Leonard rolls as well and grimaces.
"You kick it," Leonard says. "Roll a d2 for damage."
2.
"It squeals as you hit it in its' stomach," Leonard says. "It skids across the floor towards Andy. Andy, roll a Fortitude save."
15.
"16," Andy says.
Leonard rolls and nods. "You don't take any damage, and it's your turn. What do you do?"
"What wolf is closest?" Andy asks.
"The one that just attacked you, that Aunt Grandma cut open," Leonard says. "What do you do?"
"I try to hit it with my hammer," Andy says.
Leonard nods and rolls. Andy rolls a 10.
"You hit," Leonard says. "Roll for damage."
Andy rolls a d6 for 1.
"You hit it in the stomach, and the wolf squeals," Leonard says. "Steve?"
"I try to shoot the wolf that Andy and Aunt Grandma are fighting," I say.
"It's a bit stunned, so there's no penalty on this shot," Leonard says.
We both roll. I get a 19.
"Roll your damage," Leonard says with a small sigh.
6.
"You shoot the wolf in the chest," Leonard says. "The bolt pierces its' heart, and the wolf whimpers and dies. Wendy, roll another pair of Fortitude saves."
Wendy gets an 11 and a 5.
"Do a 15 and a 9 count?" Wendy asks.
"The first one doesn't, the second one does," Leonard says. "You take...3 damage when the wolf bites into your thigh. Your turn."
Wendy groans. "I try to hit the wolf biting me."
"Oh, it's not biting you anymore," Leonard says. "It just bit you."
Wendy scowls at him. "You don't know anything about wolves, do you."
"How dare you!" Leonard says, offended. "I'll have you know that I fought the dire wolves of Flozarnard Forest all by myself, and came out victorious!"
"Fine," Wendy says, annoyed. She rolls her die. Leonard does the same. "3."
"You miss!" Leonard cheers. "Aunt Grandma?"
"Can I yank my blade out of the wolf now?" Aunt Grandma asks.
Leonard tilts his head and thinks about it. "I suppose so."
"I do that," Aunt Grandma says.
"Andy, it's your turn!" Leonard says. "What do you choose to do?"
"I run forward like an idiot and try to hit a wolf with a hammer," Andy says.
Leonard rolls, and so does Andy. 16.
"You hit," Leonard says. "Roll for damage!"
Andy rolls a d6 and gets a 6.
"You smash the wolf's head in," Leonard says. "There is only one wolf remaining. Steve, what do you do?"
"I fire at it with my crossbow again," I say. "Are there any penalties?"
"It's on the move, so -5," Leonard says. He rolls his die and grins.
I roll.
19.
"Ooh...14's just not good enough," Leonard says, looking shaken. "Wendy, roll a Fortitude save."
"Oh come on!" Wendy shouts, annoyed. "Don't these wolves have anyone better to attack?"
"Apparently not," Aunt Grandma says. "Now roll."
Wendy rolls a 16 and grins. "20."
Leonard nods and rolls. "You take no damage. Your turn."
Wendy grins sinisterly. "I attack the wolf."
She rolls a 3. Leonard shakes his head. "You miss. Aunt–"
"I attack the wolf," Aunt Grandma says, already rolling. 8.
Leonard shakes his head. "Andy?"
"Same as the other guys, I attack it," Andy says. He rolls a 7. Leonard rolls and nods slowly.
"You hit," Leonard says. "Roll for damage."
Andy rolls a 3.
"Okay, the wolf is in bad shape, but it's still very much alive," Leonard says. He rolls a die. "Steve, you have to roll a natural 20 to hit."
I roll the die between my hands and let it go.
It falls on the table.
And comes up as a 20.
Everybody is silent for a few seconds.
"Okay, I did not see that coming," Andy admits.
Leonard shrugs. "Any damage you do will be deadly, since that was a critical hit. The wolves are now all dead, and as you take a few breaths and try to regain your balance, you hear noises in the next room over. Looking at the doorway, you can tell that there are stairs and a balcony at the other end, and that there is a large table in the room, but you cannot tell what is going on in there."
"Okay, Wendy, what do we do?" Andy asks.
"Wh–me? Why am I in charge?" Wendy asks.
"You are the one who has been telling us how to enter rooms," Aunt Grandma points out.
"Yeah, and you're the one who's been coming up with battle plans," I say.
"And you're the best fighter of all of us," Andy adds. Aunt Grandma glares at him. "In-game!"
Wendy thinks. "Okay. We'll all go in together, but Aunt Grandma, you take the lead. Steve, is there anything you can do besides fire crossbow bolts?"
"I have two spells left," I tell her. "I'd like to save them for when we need them, if possible, though."
"Okay then, let's go," Wendy says.
"You walk into the room and see that it's a large dining room with a huge dining table sitting in the middle of it!" Leonard announces. "Besides you three, you see that there are two other people at either end of the table. They are both beautiful women with pale skin, black hair, and red lips. Aunt Grandma, Wendy, and Andy, make two Will saves...and Andy, make yours at a -10 penalty."
"Hey, how come I'm penalized?" Andy asks angrily.
Leonard grins. "Because you wanted to seduce them."
"Hold on," I say. "Are you telling me that the woman back in the diner was some sort of vampire bride?"
"Goddammit, is this a vampire lair?" Aunt Grandma asks angrily. "Because I like to know these things in advance."
"Look on the bright side," Wendy says. "At least these things don't sparkle. Do they?"
"No, they don't sparkle," Leonard says, confused. "What kind of vampires sparkle?"
"The lame kind," I say. Everybody but Andy laughs.
"Okay, you know what?" Andy says angrily. "I have no clue what the sparkly vampire thing is, but it sounds like cultural elitism. Like you're so proud of yourself for not enjoying something that you have to mock those who enjoy it. As if liking certain things makes you superior to others. Well, we're all sitting around a table, rolling dice and pretending to kill vampires. Steve, you wear a lab coat everywhere. Aunt Grandma, you're constantly wearing suspenders and your name makes no sense. Wendy, flannel went out a long time ago, trust me. Leonard, why are you wearing a fake beard? And okay, I admit it, I fell for the whole Japanese rubber shorts thing once, but everybody was doing it. My point is, we all have things we should be ashamed of. But shaming other people for enjoying things we don't is just lame. Unless we're talking about Radiohead, because Radiohead sucks."
We all stare at him for a few seconds.
"Well somebody likes Twilight," Wendy says.
"What is that?" Leonard says.
"Look, I don't know what that is, but cultural elitism is stupid," Andy says.
"No, those books were stupid," Aunt Grandma counters.
"They really were," I add.
Andy shakes his head. "Whatever, let's just play. Where were we?"
"Everybody but Steve was rolling two Will saves, and you were rolling at a -10 penalty," Leonard says. He rolls some dice.
They roll. Aunt Grandma gets a 19 and a 17, Wendy gets a 17 and a 14, and Andy gets a 19 and a 17. Leonard shakes his head.
"You all make your will saves," Leonard says. "Except for Andy. He's frozen in the doorway. Now everybody, roll for initiative!"
We all roll our dice. I get a 2, Wendy and Andy get 3s, and Aunt Grandma rolls a 20.
"Okay, Andy, since you're frozen, you don't get to attack," Leonard says. "Aunt Grandma, you can use your turn to approach a woman and attack. Which do you choose?"
"Which one froze Andy?" Aunt Grandma asks.
"The one on the right," Leonard says.
"I attack that one," Aunt Grandma says.
"Roll to hit," Leonard says, rolling a die of his own. Aunt Grandma rolls a 6, and he nods. "You miss. Roll a Fortitude save."
Aunt Grandma rolls a 17. Leonard nods. "You don't take any damage. Wendy, roll a Reflex save!"
Leonard and Wendy roll. Wendy gets a 7. Leonard frowns.
"You make your Reflex save," Leonard says. "This gives you an attack of opportunity on the attacking vampire, for +2 to hit and +1 damage."
Wendy rolls a 5. Leonard rolls as well and frowns.
"You hit," he says. "Roll for damage."
Wendy picks up the d12 and rolls a 5.
"The woman is wounded but not out of commission," Leonard says. "However, it's Steve's turn, and he has a clear shot at the vampire."
"I fire my crossbow," I say. I roll a 3, and Leonard smiles.
"You miss," he says. "Aunt Grandma, what do you choose to do?"
"I attack the vampire next to me again," she says. She rolls a 3.
Leonard rolls and grins. "You miss." He rolls the dice again. "Roll a Fortitude save."
Aunt Grandma rolls a 9.
"11," she says.
Leonard grins. "You fail your save. And you take..." He rolls a die. "1 damage when the woman grabs your wrist and throws you forward. You land on the ground and quickly get back to your feet, but the vampire is close to you. Wendy, make a Will save."
Wendy rolls a 15.
"13," she says nervously.
Leonard shrugs. "Good enough. Your turn."
"I attack the vampire trying to kill me," she says, and rolls a 4.
Leonard smiles. "You miss! Steve?"
"I shoot at the vampire," I say. Leonard and I roll, and I roll a 19.
Leonard frowns. "You hit. Roll for damage."
I roll a d8 for 6.
"Your shot goes through the woman's throat, tearing it open and leaving her unable to fight and soon to die," Leonard says. "That brings us to Aunt Grandma and her vampire, who are still at each others' throats. Aunt Grandma, what do you choose to do?"
"I slice at her throat with my blade," Aunt Grandma says. She rolls a 19. Leonard winces and rolls as well, and then nods at Aunt Grandma.
"You hit her," he says. "Roll for damage."
Aunt Grandma grabs the d10 and rolls a 4. Leonard thinks for a moment.
"Although you don't manage to slit her throat, you do slice through her face, blinding her in one eye and leaving a nasty scar," he says. "Now make a Reflex save."
Leonard and Aunt Grandma both roll. She rolls an 8.
"You miss," Leonard says. He rolls another die. "She tackles you and pins you down, and as your body hits the ground you hear some of your ribs shatter. You land very close to Wendy, though, so she'll have an attack of opportunity for +4 to hit. You take 3 damage. Wendy, it's your turn."
"Great," Aunt Grandma mutters. "Down to four health."
"I slice at the vampire," Wendy says. She rolls a 7. "Does 11 do it?"
Leonard rolls a die. "It does. Roll for damage."
Wendy rolls a nine.
"Your axe chops cleanly through her neck but you stop it before it can hit Aunt Grandma," Leonard says. "Both vampires are dead, and you know that there is only one possible way to go from here: up the stairs and onto the balcony. Once you reach the top of the stairs, you see a large set of doors on the other side of the balcony that circles the dining room. Somehow, you know that through there, your destiny waits."
He takes a deep breath. "You open the doors and see a large, empty room with one large, black chair in the middle of the room. As soon as you all enter, the doors slam shut behind you, and the chair slowly swivels around."
"It certainly does," a voice I've heard before but can't place says.
We all look over at where Chris was sitting. The back of the chair is still facing us, but I know that Chris left at some point. I think we all know that Chris left at some point.
The chair swivels around, revealing the person sitting there. He's clothed in black and his skin is blue. His mustache is long and sinister, and his eyes are black coals of heartlessness. This is the man who used Elise to trick me into working with him. The man who tricked Andy into working with him. The man who got caught setting up secret alliances and got kicked off for doing so.
Snidely.
"I heard you missed me," Snidely says sweetly. "I'm back!"
We all stare at him, shell-shocked, for several seconds.
"So, Andy," Wendy says from behind me. "Gonna roll to seduce this one, too?"