Episode 38: Mid-Light Crisis
It's another day in Dr. Light's lab.
Light: Finally! Success!
Light fills in what he think is his crossword puzzle, but soon become frustrated and throws out the Sudoku page.
Light: Let's see what's on TV.
Light turns on the TV. The Game Over screen from Super Mario Bros 3 is there.
Light: I'm so grissing sick of this show! I wish my remote still worked!
Light presses all the buttons on his controller, but the channel doesn't change. The game doesn't either, since it was a PS2 controller. Light throws the controller at the TV, and the channel changes.
TV: Do you feel like you're stuck in a rut? Like you haven't accomplished anything in your life, and have one foot in the grave? Then maybe you should consider… quitting smoking!
Light: But… I don't smoke, not since I set the bed on fire, who knew nicotine gum was so flammable?
Cut to later. Light's family is having dinner together, due to violent threats from Nick at Nite.
Light: Kids, I don't know who else to turn to, I want your honest opinions on this: was I more exciting before you were born?
Axl:…
MegaMan: Well, it has been awhile since you made a new invention.
Light: It hasn't been that long! And I'll have you know I went back to college just last month!
Light points to a newspaper headline reading "local man steals all ketchup packets at Yale"
Light: I've done plenty with my life! I made two or more wonderful children, and that's plenty to… who the gris am I kidding.
It's later that night. Light is alone in his office.
Light: There's no point in pretending, my life has gotten completely boring. I can't even remember the last time I went to the naked roller disco. Well no more! I've doing more with my life! I know, I'll talk to some other adults and see what they do to make their lives interesting, like Wily and Sigma and KI… wait, how old is KI anyway?
KI: I have no idea, not sure if I age or stay the same like the characters in kids shows.
Light: Anyway, time to get a life beyond being the parental figure in the show!
Cut to Light at Wily's house.
Wily: I mainly spend my time reading a magazine devoted to killing MegaMan.
Light: I'm not wasting my time with an EGM reader!
Cut to Light at Sigma's house.
Sigma: I watch American Idol and old Berenstain Bears videos.
Cut to Light at KI's house.
KI: I trick people into coming into my house, and devour their souls.
Light: Can I try?
KI: No!
Light: Jerk.
Cut to Light at Tommy Tallarico's house.
Tommy: I read the works of Greek philosophers and savor the gameplay of vintage 16-bit classics.
Light is back in his lab.
Light: I can't do any of that! My life is empty and meaningless, and always will be!
Act break.
Act 2:
Light: I've come to a decision. If I can't have an interesting life as an adult, I'll reclaim my youth!
Cut to Light in front of a toy store.
Light: Time to have some fun again!
Light throws bricks through all the windows.
Light: That's a little better, but I know what I need, a new car!
Light runs into the toy store and steels a car from inside.
Light: I'm glad Toys 'R Us merged with Al's Hondas and Subarus.
Light drives away.
Light: This is great! I committed vandalism, I'm driving over the speed limit, and I stole a car! It's just like being 8 again!
Light drives by MegaMan Jr. High.
Light: Hey! Rebel against authority!
Sigma: Okay.
Sigma trashes his office.
Light: Time to show this town what I'm really made of!
One arrest for public indecency later:
Light: I've really lived it up today, I think I'll go home.
And he does.
Axl: Dad, what were thinking? You made the news!
Cut to SearchMan standing in front of the Toys 'R Us Light broke into.
SearchMan: The new pavement for this parking lot was put in today, and/
Light runs over SearchMan.
Light: I'm just being myself! I wasn't always the boring, responsible parent I pretend to be whenever Social Services comes by, and now I'm finally having fun again!
Axl: You have to have balance! What if the other adults on this show acted like… never mind.
Light: I'm a free spirit! A rebel without a cause! A sprite without collision detection!
MegaMan laughs.
MegaMan: I get it! Tommy Tallarico's leisure activities were the opposite of what you'd expect!
Light: The Light you knew is gone! I'm not a kid anymore, I don't have to listen to my children!
Light jumps on his car which is now inexplicably a motorcycle, and speeds away.
Light: I'll show them! No one has authority over me, nobody!
Light suddenly finds himself in KI's house.
KI: Light, my house isn't clean! Take that duster and broom, sell them, and use the money to build me a new house!
Light: But…
KI: I don't want to hear it! Shut up, do what I say, and do it with a smile, or even better a Disney style musical number!
KI leaves, slamming the door. He opens it again.
KI: And yes, I AM just being an authoritarian jerk to move the plot along, and I don't care if you like it!
KI leaves Light to toil.
Light: I finally find a reason to live, and KI takes it away! I know what I'll do to leave my mark now, I'll take down KI!
Act break.
Act 3:
Light: Okay, time to think of a way to take down KI. He has to have a weakness, just like that famous character. He had that green thing, and it made him weak… oh right, Popeye and spinach! I have to find KI's spinach…
One miserably failed attempt to weaken KI with SNES and a Wikipedia search to find out who actually was weakened by a green thing later:
Light: Okay, I have to find KI's weakness. This should be simple, what does KI hate most? Puns! And ants!... and Wendy's, and Atari, and Jack Thompson, and laughtracks, and nuts, and old Hanna Barbara cartoons, and… this isn't going anywhere, I need KI's weakness!
Light thinks deeply, trying to figure it out.
Light: Screw it, I'll just attack him normally.
Light marches up to KI's fortress. A giant head appears.
Head: Who dares disturb the great and mighty insurance salesman Maldor while he is going door to door?
Light: Out of my way!
Light goes to KI's door and pounds on it.
KI: I wish I could stop you from entering, but the law of clichéd shows states no one can EVER lock their door.
Light charges in.
Light: KI, I've had enough of living under your rule!
KI: You're free to go any time. I'll just pull you back here after you leave.
Light: I'm tired of you bossing me around! Your reign ends here!
Light charges at KI. KI sets up a wall of SNES energy that Light slams into.
Light: You won't stop me that easily!
Light tries to climb the wall of SNES energy. KI knocks it over, making it slam down on Light.
KI: You have no chance of winning. This is MY show!
Light: I don't care who controls this show, you don't control me/
Light finds himself outside KI's house.
Light: Gris!
Cut to Light sitting in his lab.
Light: I lost. I've reached mid-life, and I have nothing to show for it. I'll never do meaningful things in my 40s like Miyamoto or Matt Groening or Jesus.
Light sits there depressed. Many weeks pass.
Light: Great, another meaningless day.
Light walks out of his lab.
Main Characters: SURPRISE!
Light: A surprise party, for me?
Wily: No! We wanted to give you a heart attack, but you had to survive!
Everyone leaves.
Light: My life is completely meaningless… just like everyone else'es! No one in this town will amount to anything! They just all gathered together just to try to give me a heart attack, they have nothing to do with their time!
Light runs joyfully through town.
Light: Wily, your life is meaningless!
Wily: AAAGGGHHH!
Wily has a heart attack.
Light: Roll, your life is meaningless!
Roll: Hey, I started a paper once!
Light: Mailman from the episode where MegaMan gets a dog, your life is meaningless!
Mailman: Well duh.
Light: ProtoMan, your life is meaningless!
ProtoMan: This is the happiest day of my life!
And so Light comes to peace with never accomplishing anything. Stay tuned for the next MegaMan Jr. High!