A/N: Thank you for the reviews last chapter! Lol, to those who really, honestly told me what they thought and felt about the previous chapter, YOU GUYS HAVE BALLS! :D Hooray for you! :D Thanks for the honesty!
I am now telling everybody that this chapter will most likely be tipping onto the OOC side but I love it anyway. Showed me a side of BW's House I didn't think I would be able to write…
Anyway… I've told everybody this more than once already but I'll tell you guys again: Have no fear, Iane is here! :D Trust me ;) I won't go 'Shore' on you guys!
Unbeta-ed, so I apologize for errors…
Hope you like the chap, as heartbreaking or OOC it might be!
BREAKING WALLS
CHAPTER 38: AT YOUR SIDE
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Where are you going?" was what stopped House and his feet from moving even closer to the door, stopping him from exiting.
"I can't see her like that. She deserves better," House said, defeated. He let her down.
Wilson furrowed his brows. "Leaving her now will be her undoing. She'll need you when she wakes up. You know that."
House shook his head and made his way even further out into the door. But as he was about to shut it closed, Wilson's voice shot an arrow somewhere it will be hard to remove.
"If you leave her now, you're right. She deserves better."
House met Wilson's cold brown eyes but he unglued his from Wilson's a split second later. He gave Wilson a curt nod, letting his friend know that he understood that, and left the room. Wilson sighed in exasperation and turned to look down at the procedure being done on Cuddy.
He could have run after House but there were many opportunities for him to berate that ass and now wasn't the time. Cuddy needed him, needed a friend, when her lover stepped out- hopefully not for long. Wilson prayed that House just walked out for a much needed breather. He really couldn't blame House for blaming himself for what happened. He would have done the same thing if he were in House's shoes.
House went to his office and sat down on his chair. Rubbing his face with a palm, he used the other hand to reach for a drawer and pull out a bottle of amber liquid. Bourbon. But after taking one gulp directly from the bottle he put it back in the drawer.
Wilson's words were ringing in his ears, stabbing his thoughts. Getting drunk wasn't an option.
He had to decide. Be there for Cuddy or risk her hating him forever for bailing out on her just when she needed him most. He didn't want to leave her but it felt that that was for her best interest. She deserved so much more better than him.
She wasn't the only one who lost something from that tragic miscarriage.
Guilt. An emotion he rarely allowed himself to feel, automatically flooded his system, burning him in molten flows of regret. Regret for not looking for her, regret for not taking more care of her. But what good are regrets? What happened, happened.
"What was the wisest thing to do?" He thought to himself, brows knitting together.
If he were being true to himself, he'd rather not leave Cuddy. He didn't want her to hate him. He knew this hurdle in her life would be hard to pass. If she just found out this morning that she was pregnant, he couldn't comprehend the thought of how pierced her psyche and heart would be when she woke up, not pregnant.
House closed his eyes and leant his head back on the soft chair, placing a palm to his temples, rubbing them. He replayed her words from earlier. She sounded so ecstatic, so alive. And now she lay at an operating table, traces of her pregnancy being removed from her. Him not even looking down. But him not being down there was good, even if a little. He wouldn't be able to help himself and be a doctor even if it was just a routine procedure.
They were going to have a child together. He was going to be a father, but not anymore. Cuddy was supposed to have gotten what she's wanted for so long but this just had to happen to her. It was unfair for Cuddy.
He had to be there for her when she woke up.
He had failed to protect her once, and once is enough. He would never forgive himself if something dreadful happened to her again.
"I heard about Cuddy…" Cameron said after knocking on his glass door, interrupting his thoughts, entering the room and sitting across him. "I'm sorry."
House just gave her a curt nod and continued to think to himself.
"Wilson told us when we went to see. Nobody else knows that it's yours. Only me, Foreman and Chase. I spoke to the two about bets, you won't have to worry about them. And don't worry about the patient. We won't bother you unless critically needed." Cameron assured House who merely nodded again but added a mumbled word of gratitude towards the younger doctor who just pursed her lips and stood up, exiting the room knowing that she had done her part as a friend.
She had had the chance to think about her infatuation—or love for, or whatever it really was that she felt-- with House. She knew she'll never have him; she finally accepted that. But it didn't mean that she couldn't continue caring for him and those he cared for. As rough House was around the edges, those who dare come close enough would see that House wasn't all he seemed. He was soft inside. And as unconventional his way of caring may be, it meant a lot. She wished him and Cuddy well in the relationship they were trying to pursue. She knew it wasn't going to be easy but she had an inkling that it will be successful. They were too stubborn to quit on a relationship that, despite almost twenty years, was just starting to blossom.
House could've cracked a joke at how Cameron acted but he didn't for he was caught up in thoughts of Cuddy and the car she said was following her earlier. It was such an overused ploy by 'avengers'. Get back at the person you abhor by going after the people they care about.
House's Cuddy-protective instinct was telling him to go know and track down the person who did this to Cuddy and kick—or sue the bastard who caused the accident which caused the miscarriage but his rational mind told him to just stay with Cuddy and help her heal—however he could do that last bit. The suing would wait even if his fist was itching to punch whoever was responsible for the unfortunate events.
Forty five minutes passed and House was unaware of it, lost in his own thoughts. He was pulled out from his thoughts when Wilson entered his office with a hopeful look on his face and told him, "Are you going to see her? Procedure was done thirty minutes ago. I pulled the blinds shut in her private room, for you."
"How was the D and C?" House asked first, his voice grave and low. "Went smoothly. Made sure Webb scraped everything clear." Wilson informed him.
"Thanks." House expressed, his stormy, troubled oceans looking at Wilson with unadulterated gratitude. His best friend stood as his proxy at a time he was in doubt of his capability to be with Cuddy and protect her. But that was the sad truth, House concluded, he won't always be able to protect her- no matter how hard he tries.
"Anytime." Wilson replied with a small smile at being thanked by House genuinely. "Now go hold her hand, she might be up soon," he informed his best friend.
"I'm not holding any hands…" House muttered uncomfortably even if he knew he will hold Cuddy's hand when he got down to recovery and saw her. He was sure he wouldn't be able to help himself from doing that small yet compassionate, intimate act.
House walked into her room minutes later. He didn't miss the curious glances shot at him by nurses. He briefly wondered if they thought he was finally going to kill their beloved yet underappreciated dean as a victory treat for himself. He internally smirked at that but before he went inside the room, he shot back a leer at two nurses who were piercing him with a "just touch her, you die" look. As if he'd harm Cuddy!
Every other thought escaped him when he saw her, for the very first time, in a hospital bed unconscious, pale, and with an IV antibiotic bag hanging on the pole on the side of her bed. House didn't think the IV bag was needed but maybe Webb was afraid of her contracting any infection so it was most probably for precautionary measures only. The man might have been as much a jerk as he was but he wasn't stupid at his profession.
House slid the door to a close and he made sure the blinds prohibited anybody from looking inside. He carefully, quietly made his way to Cuddy's side, taking in her gloomy features and aura. He felt a cold shiver run up and down his spine, down to his toes. The reality of the situation was kicking in, more up close and personal, now. She really miscarried; and she was surely going to be disheartened by it. He didn't know how to be there for her but he knew he will.
House sat on the space by her side, placing a shaky hand on her hospital blanket-covered leg, running it up her hip and letting his hand rest there for a while. She could be brought home any time that day with Webb's approval but he was thinking of having her stay overnight. But of course he would let her decide for herself.
Instinctively, the hand that rested on her hip slid down to take hold of her hand after about five minutes of just gazing at her. He couldn't deny that his heart beat faster as he got a closer view of her face, scratched and bruised, but she was still undeniably beautiful. He felt like his heart was being held in a vise grip as he took in everything he was seeing. Slowly, hesitantly, he reached a hand forward to cup her cheek tenderly, running his thumb high on her cheekbone.
This was the woman he loved; the woman he failed to save from harm.
He was punching himself internally, mentally as that thought seemingly ran on repeat in his head. But an unknown power was pushing him into staying there with her. He can't—no one can—undo what has already come to pass. What he could do was be there for her now. He was there. And he won't be going anywhere.
Unbeknownst to him, Wilson stood outside the room, peeking at him and what he was doing—well, peeking at what he could see as his view was very, very limited-- and smiling at his tenderness with Cuddy. Wilson knew House loved her, more than he'll ever admit to anyone- probably even to her. He was glad House chose to continue fighting his own demons and not succumb to their deprecating capabilities like he had before. Wilson was proud of his best friend. With that, he walked away, leaving his two best friends. He had patients to see. And he wasn't needed at the moment.
House was getting anxious about her waking up. He honestly didn't know what to say other than the customary 'I'm sorry' but there were other things to be said. He just didn't know the right words. Didn't know how to pull them from somewhere deep within him to offer her the comfort, consoling she might need.
Honestly, how do you tell someone who was beyond happy about finding out that she was pregnant only to have a miscarriage the same day, maybe minutes, or hours just after?
It would break her, that House knew. And he was afraid that he wouldn't be enough to help. Or was he reading too much into it? Maybe she won't break down—or maybe she will, but not completely and not for a long period of time.
House sighed, exhausted from his own thoughts, thoughts about her, them, their future. He leaned forward, planting a feather light kiss on her forehead, either to reassure her or himself that everything would be okay, he wasn't certain.
"I love you." He whispered, his forehead against hers, his breath warm on her lips. He wanted her to hear that and he told himself that if all else fails when he tries to console her later on when she woke, as uncharacteristic for him as it was, or would be, he would tell her that he loved her. Would willingly repeat it for her if she wanted him to.
Probably only less than twenty minutes from now she would rouse and House was starting to prepare himself for her. Tears would be inevitable but he won't stop her from shedding them. He'll just be there for as long as she wanted him.
Reluctantly, he pulled himself from her, released her hand from his, and stood up. He took hold of the TV remote and switched it on, setting the volume low. He pushed the chair closer to Cuddy's bed and took hold of her hand, glancing at her face for a while before turning his attention to the show he finally found after ten consecutive changes of the channel.
Cuddy was feeling a little bleary when she felt herself surfacing into the realm of consciousness. She let her eyes remain closed while she took in the sensations around her. She felt… weak. She felt empty. A few minutes of recollection later, realization hit her. She recalled the earlier events of the day; the man following her, and the accident.
She was pregnant!
Her body immediately tensed, causing her hand to involuntary clamp down on the hand wrapped around her small one. Her eyes chose to remain closed, her heart was beginning to beat faster and she felt her eyes starting to water.
This wasn't happening!
"Cuddy… Cuddy, open your eyes," she heard him whisper so softly, calling out to her. Ever so slowly, she opened her eyes and was met with a concerned pair of cerulean orbs. She felt him, saw him bring a hand to both sides of her cheeks and he wiped away the tears that had started framing her face. She took a deep, heavy breath.
She was speechless from what happened, speechless from House's tenderness and the love he was showing her. Undeniably, she miscarried. The word flew in her thoughts and stabbed her hard in the chest. She didn't know what to say so she just kept her eyes connected to his, never ungluing their gaze.
"Hey…" was his greeting to her as he offered the smallest of smiles. He was nervous, she felt it. Unfortunately she didn't have it in her to return the smile, as small as it was.
The truth coming down on her on full force and the thought that she miscarried her and House's child was just too devastating. But she was beyond relieved that he was at her side.
Other than that greeting, he didn't know what else to say in fear of saying something wrong.
Cuddy's eyes screwed shut for a while. She took a deep breath and reopened them, staring up at the man she loved with heartrending eyes, the waterworks still on the run. Hoarsely, she whispered, "I was pregnant…" She turned her head away from him, lolling it to the side to stare at the wall.
House felt his walls crumbling down as he let himself go and felt for her. He bended forward and leant his forehead to the right side of her face, his nose pressing against her cheek, his breath warm against her neck. "I know…" he whispered with trepidation. "I know." He repeated softly.
Cuddy choked on a sob. She couldn't help it. The tears were coming forth like water from a waterfall. She felt House cup her cheek and he brought his face closer to hers. She buried her face in his neck a free hand covering her lips, unsuccessfully stopping her sobs. House wasn't saying anything. He just stood on the side of her bed, cradling her face, a hand continually wiping the tears from her eyes. He was really just there for her. She was grateful.
When minutes later, her crying didn't stop, House covered her lips with his and gave her a passionate kiss, pouring all his emotions there while she drank strength from his lips. When little than ten seconds later they pulled apart, Cuddy leant her forehead against House's chin. Her crying had ceased but she was still trembling and House set the bed up a little. He sat at her side, in front of her and enveloped her in his strong arms, Cuddy clinging to him for dear life, absorbing the heat his body offered, the sense of security it brought her.
"Your nipples are poking at me," House commented in a low, plain voice, causing Cuddy to slap his back weakly while she let out a breathy, teary chuckle. House gave a sigh at hearing her chuckle. "You're a pervert," she weakly accused him but he didn't 'defend' himself from that.
"I love you," she heard him whisper against her ear moments later and she let a tear slip from the corner of her eye as she hugged him as tight as her body was capable of doing so at that moment.
"I love you too," she replied truthfully, her eyes closing as she just let herself revel in the feel of his arms around her, his fingers brushing through her unruly hair. "I love you," she repeated on a breathy sigh, smiling amidst the torturous pain her heart was experiencing from losing a baby she could have carried to term and brought into the world.
"Thank you…" she whispered. "… for being here."
She might just overcome this, she thought. As long as he was there with her, knowing he would remain at her side.
A/N:
Do let me know what you thought of it! :D I'm back to replying to reviews! So feel free to ask me anything, or message me.
Thank you so much for reading, you guys! Sorry for the long wait on this one. As you all know, I had those two nasty reviews: one for IPC and another nasty one for BW. But I am almost a hundred percent over it, thank God. :) For everyone's support, thank you so much!