It was the next day. Well the next night really. John I were at the park. He'd brought us sandwiches but I hadn't wanted any. I was sitting on the ground my legs outstretched flexing my feet. I'd spent all my free time rehearsng.
"margo," he said looking at me: "i'm worried about you. I'm worried about you. I'm worried you're going to end up like karen carpenter."
"if you didn't know. Which I just recently found out myself. She didn't die from her eating disorder. She died recovering from it. So long as I keep going this way i'll be fine," I said already a little irritable from not eating.
"well isabel caro then."
it was '85. karen carpenter had died almost 2 yrs. Earlier.
"what she died from wasn't specified."
"fine whoever then. I know you want the part of the dying swan but that doesn't have to be so literal."
"yeah but swans are beautiful. I'm just elegant."
" just, elegant? It's not a competition between levels of attractiveness."
"actually. It is and it's not just about looks that's the thing you don't understand."
"i'm your best friend. And you're right no I don't understand. So please tell me. What is it? I...my god. What happened to you?"
I couldn't tell him. I couldn't destroy him like that. Only one person kne.
"i can't tell you."
"but-"
"no. I can't destroy you like that."
"well in case you haven't noticed you already are!"
"fine. I can't destroy you further."
"god margo...honey...every damn time I look at you. Or i'm around you i'm afraid you'll fall apart."
"then don't. Fine we don't have to do this."
"no you're right we don't. I can take you back to your house right now is that what you want?"
I did actually a little bit. And I 't.
"i..." I said not wanting to answer.
"i have food."
I was so weak and I had a feeling that if I ate i'd be even hungrier.
"yes that's the problem. Is everyone has fukin food except for me."
"so you feel left out? Well if you would."
"it's not that fukin simple."
I wasn't just talking about the food. I was also talking about what had happened to me.
"and so was grace kelly," john said randomy.
She'd died 3 yrs. Earlier.
"what?" I asked.
"elegant."
"oh."
"well at least drink something then."
"no."
"drink."
"no i'm 17 not 2."
"margo..."
"look do you want my friendship? Cause if you do you won't force me," I said threatening him.
"i...wow I can't believe you just said that. You do need to eat. I won't make you but yeah. You do."
we got quiet.
"and," john said after awhile.
I feelt rather than saw him look at my ankle. As it was dark and I couldn't see much.
"if you keep dancing rather than rest your ankle. You'll just re-sprain it. Here," he said moving his arms.
"no," I said.
"no I won't touch it. Just put it on me."
oh.
"oh."
and I did.
"so your dad didn't...?" he asked changing the subect.
Which was probably for the best.
"hurt me uh no he honestly didn't. He was going to though scared the hell out of me."
"i'd be upset too."
jordan set something on the ground next to me.
"i'm so small. But maybe if I get small enough i'll be able to slip away like butter."
"does being small scare you?"
"no but him hurtng me does."
"has he ever?"
"yeah um he has."
"oh."
"it's getting cold," I said cause it was.
"yeah. And...girl where is your coat?"
"in the car remember? But I like it not, having it. It feels so still and good. I feel so exposed though. It's weird."
"oh well if you get too cold..."
"yeah I might let you know."
"ok."
"and i'm not that small right? I'm not karen carpenter small?" I said for once actually genuinely worried about this.
"no you're not."
"ok."
it got quiet again. I reached to my side ad grabbed the thing john had set on the ground. I discovered it was a plastic bottle. When I unscrewed it and had some I discovered it was chai. And it tasted so good. I felt less weak after having it.
"godamn," I said in relief.