What's the Point?
I woke up with Sirius' jacket covering me and my head resting on Padfoot. I didn't make a move to get up, what was the point? I remembered everything. My hip and leg was sore, but I didn't look at it, I didn't do anything.
Everything had been going well, too well. I'd given the wolf what he wanted, what I thought he needed. He had his toys, he had Sirius' jacket, what more did he need?
He had attacked me because he wanted to make sure he was still the wolf, but what else would he ever be? He was trying to show his dominance, that no matter what I did he'd always be in charge, that he'd always be able to hurt me, to hurt others.
I'm not sure how long I laid there for, but it had to be hours. Poppy eventually disturbed me, but I wouldn't meet her eyes, I couldn't. I'd failed because no matter how hard I tried to make the wolf good, he'd always be bad.
"Remus?" Poppy said softly. "Are you okay?"
I didn't respond and she knelt by me.
"Where are you hurt?" she asked.
How did she know? My injury was completely covered. Could she read it on my face? Had I left blood everywhere? Probably. I still didn't move.
"Remus, please talk to me," she said.
I wrapped my arms around Padfoot and stayed silent.
"Can I at least look at your injury?"
I shook my head no, if she looked then it would be real, I didn't want it to be real. I didn't want to be injured again after such a long break… Break, that's all it was and all it'd ever be, a break. I'd always get injured, the wolf would always hurt me.
Poppy sighed. "If you're not going to show me, I'm going to have to get Dumbledore."
I held Padfoot tighter. I didn't want that, but I wasn't ready to leave the shack either. What would Sirius say? He told me to be safe and I hadn't been. Would he be upset with me? Upset with the wolf? All I knew was that this wouldn't stop him from wanting to be with me each full moon and I couldn't have that, I would never forgive myself if the wolf hurt him.
Poppy stood up. "Okay," she said, "I'll be back."
She left and I wasted no time. I quickly got dressed, even though it was painful, and I pulled Sirius' jacket on, then I used a shrinking charm on Padfoot and put him in my pocket. I left the ball, it could stay there.
Once done, I started working on Dumbledore's charms. They were strong, but I found a way to break through with my wand.
I ran out of the shack, my leg hurting with each step I took, but I couldn't stop. I needed to get away, I needed to stay away. Everyone would be better off with me gone. I didn't want Sirius to see me like this, I didn't want to worry him. I just wanted him to live his life without me, he'd be better off then.
It was weird to see the shack from the outside. It was completely rundown and unassuming, no one would know that it housed a werewolf every full moon. I headed towards Hogsmeade, I needed to find somewhere safe to lay low before I could figure out my next move.
The pain in my leg got too much, but I pushed the thoughts aside. What was one more injury? What was one more set of scars? My life would never be different and I was foolish to think otherwise.
I entered Hogsmeade and settled down behind the Hog's Head Inn. My leg was too sore to make it any further. I needed to make a plan. My thoughts went to Sirius, I didn't want to leave him, but what choice did I have? He was always so worried about me, he didn't like seeing me hurt.
This was my life, I'd always be hurt, I'd always worry Sirius and I didn't want that. If I could leave then he could move on and forget me. Him and James could become best friends and I'd just run away and let the wolf do whatever he wanted. He could rule now, I didn't care.
Rensen landed on the ground in front of me and just stared at me. Why was he here? Did leaving Sirius mean that I had to leave Rensen too? Could I do that? Rensen jumped up onto my shoulder and pecked at my hair. I didn't want to leave Rensen, I loved him.
I loved Sirius too, but that was the point? I couldn't put him through this. My whole life, our whole life. Every month. He'd never be able to be with me on the full moon, I'd always have to do it alone. Society would continue to shun me and the company I kept. And what if the wolf killed me? …I refused to put Sirius through that.
Rensen pecked my neck, the pain was nothing compared to the pain in my leg. My pant leg was soaked with blood. I still hadn't looked at it, I didn't know how deep the wounds were. I doubted I'd bleed out, surely that would've happened by now if that was the case.
Did I go home now? What other options did I have other than Hogwarts or home? I wanted to run away, I wanted to be alone, but I was only twelve. I had no money, no place to live, how would I get food? What would I do each month for the wolf, let him run free? Lock him up?
It would be simpler to go back to Hogwarts. I stayed where I was sitting with Rensen on my shoulder, Sirius' jacket around me, and Padfoot in my pocket. Everything the wolf liked. He didn't want to be like me, he wanted to be a werewolf, he wanted to hurt people, to kill them.
Time passed, but I still didn't know what to do. It was in the afternoon now, it'd get dark soon. Was Sirius worried about me? Would this be the last time he had to think about me? What about Poppy? Did she get Dumbledore? Dumbledore couldn't be that powerful if he hadn't found me yet.
The sun fell and still, I was alone, Rensen excluded as all he was doing was sleeping half buried in my hair, half buried in Sirius' jacket. This was me, a lone wolf. I didn't like it, but I may as well get used to it.
I turned my body into the corner. I was against the back wall of the Hog's Head Inn and against some wooden crates. Clearly no one cared about me. I hadn't gone far. Had they let my parents know at least? I wanted to laugh at that. My parents didn't care for me, not as much as they once had.
The wolf had finally let me remember what they'd done when I injured my hand. How they hadn't tried to heal me, how they knocked me out for days, how they stuck me on the train for Dumbledore to deal with, how they said that their lives were better without me in it. They still loved me, but I was dooming them, just like I was dooming Sirius.
I should just run away, find somewhere secluded, somewhere completely alone.
"Remus, what are you doing?" Irma asked.
I dropped my head and turned further into the wall.
"Come on now," she said, "enough of this. You made me leave my library and for what? Huh? What is so terrible that you decided to run away? Good job at that too, look around this corner and you can still see the castle. Do you know what that tells me? You don't want to leave, not really."
What did she know?
"All of the other professors looked at me like I was crazy when I said I would come and talk to you," she said. "Dumbledore found you immediately, but as you didn't move from here he was certain you'd come back on your own, but you foolishly didn't. …Don't make me come down there… Remus, what's gotten into you? You can trust me, you know this. Don't make me regret leaving the castle. I can go and get Dumbledore if you'd prefer."
That had me listening. I turned away from the wall and looked at her.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I shook my head no.
"Are you going to continue acting like a small child by not talking?"
I really didn't feel like talking. I dropped my head again.
"I saw Sirius today," she said.
My eyes shot to hers and she smiled knowingly. She knew me too well. I wanted to ask how Sirius was, but I didn't.
Irma sighed. "Give this up, Remus, I don't have time for your bullshit." Bullshit? "You heard me. We're not at Hogwarts right now, I don't need to act professionally. Tell me what's going on, help me understand, or get back to the castle before I drag you there. I can do it, I'm strong enough, don't test me. Make your decision and quickly."
She'd drag me, I had no doubt about that. I was out of options, but I trusted Irma fully.
"Nothing's ever going to get better," I said. "No matter what I do, how much I help the wolf, he's still going to hurt me. What's the point of any of this? Going to school isn't going to get me a good job, being friends with Sirius is only going to doom him, helping the wolf clearly doesn't help me. It's all pointless."
"Oh, Remus," Irma said, "don't talk like that. What you go through each month is completely unimaginable, but that's no reason to give up on everything, to not try. School is teaching you so much and you're smart enough to find a way to use it in the professional world. You love Sirius, he's the reason you're pushing yourself so hard.
"I can't say much for the wolf as I don't understand that at all, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that you should never give in. You're a kind boy, Remus, and if that doesn't affect the wolf in a positive way then there's nothing you can do about that, but it shouldn't stop you from trying. …I'm not good at this, please tell me what I can do to help you right now?"
"It's just so hard," I admitted, "I was doing so well, the wolf was getting better, I was starting to understand him, and then he just… reverts. I don't know how much longer I can do this, Irma. I'm doomed, and if not me, then Sirius. I don't want to leave him."
"Then what are you doing right now?" Irma asked. "It looks like you're leaving him to me."
"If I leave now," I said, "it will be easier."
"On whom?" Irma asked.
I didn't answer because we both knew that my leaving was easier on no one.
"It's okay to have your down days," she said, "it's okay to want to throw everything away, but it's what you do next that counts. You're only the wolf one day a month, that's twelve times a year. Twelve days out of three hundred and sixty-five. It's miniscule, Remus, don't throw those other three hundred and fifty-three days away because twelve are bad."
She was right, I was acting stupid. I was just so sick of getting hurt especially when I thought I'd made things better.
"Come on," she said, "it's time to get off the ground."
I stood up, but I wouldn't meet her eyes.
"None of that now," Irma said, wrapping her arm around me, "let's get you back to Hogwarts where you belong."
"How's Sirius?" I asked.
"He's worried about you," Irma said. "He sat in my library and pretended to read a book, eyes darting to me and the door every other second… We both know the dead giveaway was Sirius reading a book."
I smiled, yeah that was a dead giveaway.
"It was somewhat pleasant though," Irma said, "to not have him disturbing everyone else, I've never seen him so quiet. That boy cares for you, Remus, don't be foolish and throw that away."
"But what if I doom him?" I asked. "If I die, it will hurt him, and if I live, society will shun us."
"So?" Irma said. "You're smart enough to beat society, and leaving Sirius now is going to hurt him as much as your death, trust me on that. ...I don't know if you realize this," she said, "but the decision to be your friend, or more than friends, is Sirius', not yours."
She was right, why was she always right? I needed to have more faith in Sirius. He knew I was a werewolf, so he could make his own decisions based on that, and we were smart enough to deal with anything that came our way, and if not, at least we had each other.