Friend
James and Lily were standing on one side of the hallway outside of Dumbledore's office; Remus, Peter, and a middle aged wizard named Edgar Bones were standing on the opposite side. Edgar looked overly amused and made several comments on how young so many members of the Order were before the phoenix statue moved and a voice summoned him up.
A younger woman stepped down the stairs, her black hair bouncing lightly around her shoulders. She looked at Edgar and nodded encouragingly before her dark blue eyes turned to Lily.
"Oh good," she said, smiling brightly and stepping close to Lily and James. "We need more women involved, there are so few of us willing to fight. Dorcas Meadowes," she said, holding out a confidant but small hand.
Lily smiled gently, swallowing as she extended her own. "Lily Evans… well… Evans for the time being at least," she laughed.
"Oooh… I see," Dorcas grinned, eyeing James approvingly. "And you are?"
"James Potter," he said, holding out a hand and giving a friendly smile.
"Good to meet you James, Lily," Dorcas replied. She turned around and greeted Remus and Peter in much the same manner before turning back to Lily and smiling brightly. "You remind me of Alice Longbottom."
"I know Alice," said Lily with a grin. "And Frank as well… he was two years above us and she was one," Lily explained.
James grinned as the woman continued to engage Lily in conversation. He walked across the hall to where Remus and Peter were standing, watching the statue that guarded Dumbledore's office curiously.
"So… what do you think this involves?" asked James, following their gaze and feeling a familiar rush of curiosity and excitement stir inside of him.
"Signing your death certificate in blood," muttered Peter.
Remus chuckled and James laughed, until they both realized Peter was serious. "Mate… no," said James. "No… that's not what happens up there. We're going to fight, and we're going to win."
"James, you weren't there on the platform," said Peter, his small eyes lifting and falling on James' confident face. "There are so many of them! They over ran it… and did you see the articles? It's –"
"Pete," said James, raising a hand and looking at Peter intensely. Peter seemed to calm down, to come back to his senses; James knew that there was a side of him – the side from whence came his rat form – that saw nothing but predators and doom ahead. This side of him brought out Peter's instinct to run and hide, to scrounge and forage for cover behind the strongest group of people he could find…
"Pete," James continued, his voice low and reassuring, "We've got Dumbledore. We've got Moody, and the Aurors, and each other. We've got an organization that is strong and none of us are going to back down from this until Voldemort and all those bloody idiot bastards are gone."
Peter inhaled, and then exhaled very slowly. He looked up at James and nodded, his posture straightening out at the same moment that the staircase moved again and Edgar Bones came walking down with a sober yet encouraged look on his face. "Pettigrew?"
Peter nodded, allowing James to clap him once on the back before he walked towards the stairs, an anxious expression on his watery face. James moved to stand beside Remus, smiling as he watched Lily talk with the woman who had come down earlier.
"He's got this grand idea that he and Sirius are going to be fighting and running missions together," advised Remus in a low voice. "Since they don't have-"
"Since we're tied down?" he interrupted, finishing Remus' comment.
"Right."
James scoffed. "I think Padfoot has other ideas… not that he'd mind running missions with Wormtail, but I think he would prefer us to be included as well."
"As long as you plan on helping me find that scum and kill him," said a low and familiar voice. James and Remus looked up, as did Lily, to see Sirius walking down the hall. His posture was taller, the weights seemed to be removed, but his expression was still full of the same dark purpose he'd had when they left their flat two hours earlier.
Sirius ignored James' and Remus' welcoming smiles and went straight to Lily. He leaned against the wall and watched her with impatient eyes as she finished talking with Dorcas. Lily swallowed, biting her lip as Sirius cleared his throat and gazed intently at her.
"Who was it?"
Lily swallowed again. "It was Mulciber," she said quietly, wanting more than anything to not talk about this before seeing Dumbledore. "Mulciber's father came down… Malfoy was there too… he was asking why they had brought her, and Mulciber said something about wanting revenge-"
"Because you tattled," Sirius filled in.
"Hey," James interrupted. "She didn't tattle. She found Hadley and brought her inside, it's not like-"
"So it was Mulciber and who else?" Sirius continued, ignoring James' interruption. "Who else, Lily?"
"Avery was the one she was fighting on the Platform," Lily explained. "I… I went to help her 'cause he was … he was torturing her and-"
"So Avery, Mulciber… you said Malfoy was-"
"Malfoy was telling them not to bother with her at first… but then after she said something about him not being able to … finish what he started with Molly Gamp, he told Mulciber to… finish her off… he said something about him not having enough guts to-" Lily stammered, feeling her chest begin to ache as the memory of that afternoon came flooding back.
"So Mulciber, Avery, and Malfoy," Sirius said, nodding his head at each name. "Who cast the spell?"
Lily swallowed. "Mulciber did… I think… I couldn't see whether it was him or his father…"
The staircase moved, and Peter came down looking proud and confident after whatever conversation he'd had with Dumbledore. "Prongs? It's your turn, and Lily's supposed to go with you," he said lightly. "Oh, hey Padfoot!"
Sirius flashed Peter a glare, which caused him to immediately cower and move out of the way back to Remus' side. James put his arm around Lily's waist, giving Sirius a disapproving glare before stepping onto the bottom stair and letting the case spin and raise them to Dumbledore's office.
Lily inhaled very deeply, steadying herself and trying not to let James see how much Sirius had upset her. It would only make him angry.
"Are you all right?" he asked, glancing furtively at her out of the corner of his eye.
"I'm fine," she said in a steady voice, squeezing his hand as the door opened and they walked inside.
Dumbledore was writing something down on a piece of parchment as they stepped inside. He looked up and smiled benevolently as James and Lily walked forward and took seats at his desk. "Good evening," he greeted very quietly as he finished his note. He lifted his head and smiled gently, his piercing blue eyes turning to Lily as he observed her.
"How are you doing, Lily?" Dumbledore asked in a soothing voice.
Lily cleared her throat. "I'm managing."
Dumbledore smiled. "Managing is acceptable," he said, nodding his head. "And James… how are you handling your blushing bride-to-be's management style?"
James chuckled, watching as Lily blushed and smiled brightly. "Well… very well."
"Good, very good," Dumbledore agreed, tapping his wand on the parchment and handing them each a copy. "You'll see here a list of Patronus forms. Not everyone in our group can produce a Patronus, but the ones who can have the ability to remain anonymous if they wish to be."
"Why would anyone want to be anonymous?" asked James curiously.
"In the unusual event that this list would… fall into the wrong hands, per say, it allows them protection from direct identification," Dumbledore explained. "But the main purpose is so we understand that it is a member of the Order speaking to us should we receive a communication. We're primarily communicating through the Patronus charm."
"Communicate through a Patronus? How?" Lily said, looking at Dumbledore with wide eyes.
"It's quite simple really. The Patronus is already an extension of one's personality; a projection of positive emotions and passions, all one has to do is will it to speak in order to convey a personal message," explained Dumbledore, holding out a quill for Lily. "Now, I already know from Griselda Marchbanks that you, Lily Evans-soon-to-be-Potter can produce a Patronus; and it takes the form of a doe, correct?"
Lily blushed again and nodded in agreement; Dumbledore smiled. "And you, James?"
"Mine is a stag."
Dumbledore smiled brightly and chuckled once. "Very fitting it seems," he teased. "Now, having spent the past year having you as leaders of my student body, and hearing confirmation of both your Patronus' from separate sources I'm not going to make you produce them now. But, I urge you in your spare time to practice the spell and work on willing the form to speak. They can only carry short messages, a sentence, perhaps two, so you'll need to think about what you are saying should you need to use them in battle."
At the word battle, James and Lily both sat up a little straighter. Dumbledore noticed this and his expression became serious. "There will be battles, as you both are obviously and painfully aware. We cannot win this war without a fight. To be a member of the Order of the Phoenix, you must make only one vow and one promise…"
James and Lily waited, both of them barely breathing as they watched Dumbledore lean closer.
"You must vow to always be conscious of what we are fighting for: the greater good of all life. The Death Eaters' aim is to rid the world of those they deem unworthy, and to defy the death itself. We, the Order of the Phoenix, are aiming to protect and uphold that which the Phoenix represents: the resilience and value of all life. It matters not what we are born, but what we chose to become and those we touch along our path. We must protect life, and love, and the world as a whole for the greater good of the our world, and those outside of it."
Dumbledore surveyed James and Lily both through his half-moon shaped glasses, his chin resting against the tips of his long fingers. "Do you both promise to, in all circumstances and under any event, work toward the protection and continuation of human life?"
"Yes," James and Lily answered in unison.
"All items we discuss in our meetings and communications are sacred, and will be used toward the protection of ourselves and everyone around us. Do you promise to uphold this value and keep any plans, secrets, and observations to yourselves or amongst those in the Order?"
"Yes."
"And will you both at all times do your best to complete any mission or task you are assigned? No matter what happens?"
Lily and James both paused. James swallowed and lowered his eyes, but muttered "yes" very quietly. Lily nodded, keeping her head high and her expression fierce.
"Know that I will never ask you to do anything to compromise your relationship, and I will do my best to uphold the same vows to you and to everyone within the order," said Dumbledore gently. "We are all vowed to each other, and we will all protect and watch out for each other. You are now a part of a larger family, and we will look out for own."
James nodded, watching as Lily twisted her fingers nervously. He reached out and took her hand, giving it a squeeze and noting the small smile on Dumbledore's face. "That is something we need more of," the professor said very quietly, looking more toward James this time. "That is the biggest part of our conversation tonight, other than that I have all the information I need… but I would like to know your wand information just for identification purposes."
"Oh," said James, pulling his out from his pocket and holding it up in front of him. "Mine is um… mahogany; eleven inches," he said, grinning fondly at the pliable piece of wood that he'd had since age eleven.
"I'll note that… it looks as though it needs a good polishing," chuckled Dumbledore as James laughed and nodded his head. "And Lily?"
"Ten and a quarter inches," she said, smirking at James who was still examining his own wand fondly. "Willow."
"Very good," said Dumbledore. "Lily, you can go ahead and go down, James if you'll stay for just a moment, I have one more thing I'd like to add…"
"All right," said James, watching as Lily got to her feet and flashed him an encouraging smile before stepping outside and shutting the door. James turned back to Dumbledore, his expression serious as he waited for him to speak.
"James, it is obvious to everyone that you and Lily are both willing to lay down your lives for the people you love," Dumbledore began, watching as James nodded and his brow furrowed. "I cannot promise you that you will never have to make that choice, though I wish I could."
"I understand, sir."
"There is something I want you to know, however," he continued, resting his chin on his fingers. "Should the day ever come when you have to chose between saving Lily, a friend, or yourself, or compromising a mission or task, I want you to promise me something…"
James sighed heavily. He knew this was coming, that he would have to promise to complete the task and sacrifice his loved ones… this was war, this was what you had to do. He nodded, waiting for Dumbledore to say the words before he forced himself to agree to them.
"I want you to promise me, James… that you will compromise the mission."
James was about to open his mouth to say that he'd have to think on it… but Dumbledore's words caught him off guard. "Promise I'll… what?"
"Promise me that you will compromise the mission. That you will save Lily, or a friend, or yourself… mistakes happen, plans fall through. Missions can be re-run, people cannot be replaced, as I'm sure you are painfully aware."
James nodded, a feeling of relief flooding through him at Dumbledore's order. "Yes… I can promise you that I will do that. I won't throw any mission you give me away at the first sign of danger, I'll always try to complete-"
"I understand that James, I would expect nothing less," said Dumbledore. "I just wanted you to know that I do not, or would not ever expect anyone in our group to perform the same type of tasks that Voldemort asks of his followers."
James nodded again. "I understand… thank you, sir."
Dumbledore smiled. "Very well. Would you send Remus up?"
"I will sir, thank you," said James, getting to his feet and shaking Dumbledore's hand. He walked out the door and down the stairs, feeling confidant and eager about the tasks ahead of them.
"Moony, you're up," he said when he reached the bottom of the stairs. "Where's Lily?" asked James, looking around the hall.
"She's… trying to talk Sirius down," said Remus cautiously.
James' expression hardened. He nodded at Remus and said a quick good-bye before striding quickly down the hall and toward the voices that were growing louder as he moved.
"… this is not about vengeance, Sirius," Lily was saying. "That's what got us all into this in the first place."
"All the more reason for me to extract it," Sirius shot back. "Eye for an eye you know."
Lily shook her head, her expression pained and desperate. "She wouldn't want-"
"DON'T talk to me about what Julia would or would not want," snapped Sirius, glaring at Lily.
Lily's expression hardened, her eyes narrowed. "I knew her for a lot longer than you did," she said quietly. "I know-"
"You were her friend for longer, but I knew her," said Sirius coldly. "I knew her in ways that you… you never could, and never would. You haven't experienced the intimacy that she and I shared… you… you don't know what it's like to have that kind of closeness …and security… and then know you're going to live without it! You've been living with James for over a month, and you haven't done anything to move forward. No date set, and neither of you have a clue-"
"That's a bit harsh," snapped Lily. "I've been grieving too, you know! It's not like I was focused on-"
"I wish you'd just get on with it, you know? Stop… torturing me. I keep waiting to hear about it, waiting to hear about the wedding and all the plans you two are making. These are plans that she never got to make, dreams she never allowed herself to have. And I just keep waiting… WAITING… to hear something…. Something to confirm that you have everything, and I have nothing and-"
"Stop it, Sirius," James ordered, rounding the corner and interrupting the conversation. He stepped in front of Lily and glared at his friend. Lily was randomly shocked by the height difference between the two of them. It had never been very obvious, but James was a good two to three inches taller than Sirius, and it showed at this moment. "It's not her fault… and you know it. You aren't… I know you're angry, and I get it, but-"
"No, you don't, James… you don't 'get it,'" snapped Sirius coldly. "And you never will."
He glared angrily at them both for a moment, but then his expression became pained as his eyes met James' furious and concerned ones again. Sirius seemed to teeter on the edge of something, but then with an angry growl he stormed away from them and down the hall.
Lily sniffed and hugged herself tightly; James moved forward and turned her to face him. "Don't listen to him… he's… he's just angry and-"
"I know, James… I know," she replied, sniffling quietly. There were no tears on her cheeks, but she seemed on the verge. James wished she would cry, and then he wished she wouldn't cry. He wished she would yell at him, or at Sirius… he wished she'd do something to let him know she wasn't holding it all inside of her…
"Please… take me home," she whispered finally, folding herself into his arms as they began walking toward McGonagall's office and the floo connection to their home.
J&L&J&L
"We should set a date," said Lily lightly.
James was leaning against the edge of the doorway to their bathroom, smiling as he watched Lily brush out her hair. "This would be a start, yes…"
"We should go on a date," she suggested, looking at herself thoughtfully in the mirror. "I don't think we've ever been on one."
"Not unless you count playing snap in The Three Broomsticks all last year."
Lily chuckled and shrugged her shoulders. She glanced at James, a happy smile on her face. She was finally starting to feel normal again; starting to finally feel like she could live and carry on with her plans instead of spending her time in a state of silent grieving. Though she felt as though life was returning for her, she knew not everyone around her felt that way.
It had been a week since their induction into the Order, and James and Lily had already managed to perfect the Patronus messaging technique that Dumbledore had invented for use by Order members. It was rather simple, as Dumbledore had said, but not everyone was as thrilled to have a new task as they seemed to be.
Sirius had been over for dinner twice since confronting Lily and being inducted. He hadn't apologized for his outburst, but he hadn't bring up the conversation either; he seemed to be in a silent state of apologetics. And he'd seemed very morose; quiet and abnormally subdued. It had James worried and a feeling depressed himself.
Lily didn't like seeing him feel that way. She hadn't seen him depressed since the night of the ball their sixth year. James tried valiantly to hide it, probably hoping Lily wouldn't worry, but she saw through his toughness. She knew Julia's death was hard on Sirius, as much as it was on her, but she also understood, all to well, how hard it was to watch someone you love go through the stages of grief. And James had been doing just that, for weeks on end, without cracking under the pressure. He's incredibly strong, thought Lily, but he still feels helpless.
"If I were to take you on a date, what would you like to do?" asked James curiously, calling Lily back to the present.
She pursed her lips, considering his question. "You've never seen a film have you?"
James shook his head. "I've never seen a play either."
"Hmm, that's an idea," she said grinning. "Aside from dinner out somewhere, that would be fun. Or we could… to be honest, I don't even know what to do on a date," she laughed.
"Where have you always wanted to go?"
"On a date?"
"On holiday," James explained as Lily moved closer to him. "If we were going to take a holiday, where would you go?"
"France," said Lily instantly.
James laughed. "That was easy."
Lily smiled. "My Mum went there once when I was younger, and then again the summer before our sixth year. She always talked about the beaches along the Brittney coast. The sailboats, and little secluded beaches; it sounded so nice. And Paris, I've always wanted to go to Paris."
James nodded, smiling to himself as he began to plan a trip.
"What about you? Where would you go on Holiday?"
James considered her question, smiling as she slid her arms around his waist and began to kiss his neck lightly. "Aside from France?" he teased, flinching when Lily playfully nipped at his jaw line. "I've always wanted to visit Iceland."
"Really?" asked Lily, chuckling lightly at the randomness of his suggestion.
"They have volcanoes!"
"You would want to visit someplace with Volcanoes," she teased.
"It's fascinating… all the fire, and that power, and the danger," he mused, grinning down at her. "Lava is red you know," he whispered, lacing his fingers through her hair.
"Actually, it's orange," she replied, leaning close and biting his lower lip.
"Close enough," said James, pulling her against him and kissing her fiercely.
Lily's arms slid up his chest and over his shoulders, she stood up on her tiptoes and pressed herself purposefully against him. James slid his hand over her backside, picking her up and pressing her against the wall behind them. He had just moved his lips to her neck when there was a knock at the door.
Lily groaned and closed her eyes, heaviness sinking into her voice. "It's never going to happen is it?"
"Oh, it will happen," said James determinedly. "In fact… if that is anyone other than Sirius, tell them to go away and –"
"I can't do that, James," Lily laughed. "I'd be wracked with guilt for the next week."
"But what about me exploding? You'd be wracked with guilt if I spontaneously combusted, right?" asked James in worried voice as Lily laughed and answered the door.
"Hey, Wormy," said Lily brightly, stepping aside and letting Peter come in. "Everything all right?"
"Hi, Lily," said Peter sheepishly, looking at James. "Hey, Prongs… have-have you talked to Padfoot?"
James shook his head. "No… not in depth for a while. Why?"
"Got a quick note from Remus this morning," said Peter, watching as Lily nonchalantly walked into the kitchen to let him and James talk. "He said that he got a note from Padfoot saying he wasn't coming out this Thursday."
"Thursday?" asked James in a confused voice.
"Erm… Thursday, the 20th? We joked about it being your 'stag' night?"
"Oh… yeah… I-I'd forgotten," said James. It was true, he had forgotten. His head had been clouded with too many thoughts (Sirius moving to the anger stage of grieving, Lily's quiet sadness and slow return back to her normal self… his own anxiety about not being able to fix the situation…) to have room for a camping trip to Cricklade over the full moon, let alone a stag party. He ruffled his hair and sighed. "Maybe he was just… in a mood?" James suggested. "He's been quiet lately, trying to deal with things…"
"Shouldn't he be over it now?" asked Peter. "I mean… he was doing all right the other week, and it's been over a month-"
"Pete, mate… he lost a friend, we all did; and she was a lot more to Sirius than just a friend, you know this," said James, giving Peter a disapproving glance. "Even if he's managing, he's still hurting you know… he'll have good days and-"
"He hasn't talked to me since before the induction," said Peter sadly. "And he only spoke with Remus briefly… he hasn't responded to any letters or anything."
"Well he's alive," said James. "We see him every now and again."
"But you don't talk…"
"He … it's not like we're ignoring him, we've got things going on too," said James, becoming a little defensive. "He's been over for dinner, but I'm not going to force him to talk if he doesn't feel like it."
Peter nodded, his eyes turning to his trainers as his cheeks colored. "Well… a-are we still planning to camp? I've got… I've got to take the day off if we are," he muttered, thinking that it would be absolutely no problem to get a day off at his non-existent job they all knew nothing about.
"Remus is still going to transform, Lily has been sending him his potion… we're still planning on it," said James. "Sirius'll come 'round, mate; it's Monday, give him a couple of days and he'll come 'round."
"Right…" said Peter, coughing uncomfortably and shifting as Lily came back into the room with a few cups of tea.
Peter stayed for a few hours and was considerably more cheerful when he left. Lily thought back to her observation that she'd made before school ended: that Peter was clinging on to everything he had that made him important, special, and safe, rather than looking inside himself and seeing his own individual value.
James seemed a bit irritated by Peter's insecurity and clinginess and Sirius' continued surliness, but there was nothing Lily could do for him. It made her feel slightly helpless.
"He'll come around," she reassured James on Tuesday evening.
"Pete or Sirius?"
"Both," explained Lily, running her fingers through James' hair and kissing his forehead.
James nodded, snuggling against her neck and sighing deeply. They lay quietly together for a few moments, and then Lily kissed his forehead again.
"The twenty-ninth," she said quietly.
"Pardon?"
"I want to get married on the twenty-ninth of this month," Lily replied. "July twenty-ninth."
"Lils… that's next Saturday," said James in a shocked voice. "That's just a little over-"
"I don't want to wait anymore," she explained, kissing him as his eyes widened. "I don't… there's no sense in waiting. It's too dangerous to have a big ceremony; and we both agreed that we don't need everyone who reads the prophet knowing all about it. I just want you," she whispered, kissing him softly. "I have a dress picked out, it'll take me perhaps a day to get it… I just feel like this is the right thing to do."
James nodded, smiling as he kissed her again. "Why the twenty-ninth? Any particular reason?"
"It's the last Saturday of the month," she shrugged. "And… we got together on the first Saturday in September; it seemed fitting."
James grinned and held Lily close. "The twenty-ninth then," he whispered, kissing her gently as she snuggled into his chest.
Having a date seemed to spark a fire under James. He sent Remus and Peter a note the following morning letting them know about their plans and officially confirming that that Thursday would be his "stag" party.
"I'm not going to the pubs or drinking," he said in the note. "Just us… going out for the full moon; that's what we did, those are the best times in my memory… that will be it."
Remus and Peter both responded back and agreed that a simple night out would be the best stag night they could throw for James. Lily agreed as well, though she worried deeply about the missing forth member of the marauder quartet.
James made it his mission to find and talk to Sirius, but it seemed he hadn't been home since Sunday evening. He contacted anyone who might have talked to him, trying to find out if he'd gone to visit someone or simply taken a short holiday, but no one had seen or heard from him. To distract himself, James went to the Ministry to get a marriage license and certificate for him and Lily to complete, while she stayed behind and made plans of her own.
Lily spent the afternoon sending wedding invitations to a small number of people including the Longbottoms, Marlene McKinnon, all their Professors, Sam in France (even though Lily knew it was a long shot for her to come), Mary MacDonald, and a few other various students they had run around with during school. James' mum came over to assist Lily for a few hours, gushing about how happy she was that they were having the ceremony so close to home.
"Lindsay, I'm leaving decorations up to you," said Lily when they discussed having either satin or lace ribbons attached to chairs. "I only want roses and stargazer Lilies as flowers, and as long as it's sunny, we both want it out side."
"I'm going to put up a gazebo, it will be pretty. Have you thought about who will do the ceremony? I know Elphias Doge sometimes does them, otherwise Milton would be willing or-"
"We've actually asked Dumbledore," said Lily. "He's been very … he's been incredibly supportive and encouraging for us to get together. I think he saw how good it would be before we even did."
"That's wonderful," said Lindsay happily. "You're all set; such a good girl, I'm just thrilled about all of this. When are you going to pick up your dress?"
"I'll pick it up on Sunday, actually," she said. "I sent a letter to the shopkeeper and she set up an appointment for me to have it fitted and everything."
"Would you like to have lunch or anything on Thursday?" suggested Lindsay. "I know James will be out with the boys…"
"That would be lovely," said Lily. "I'll let you know for sure what time he's leaving and we'll plan on that."
James' mother had left around five o'clock in the evening, which left Lily plenty of time to prepare for her other activity. She made a very nice dinner, filet mignon with a red-wine glaze, blanched vegetables, and James' favorite treacle desert, and dressed herself up very nicely in a dark blue halter dress. She fixed her hair, put on make-up, and tried to calm the nerves that were racing through her.
She did not want to wait any longer, this was decided. Everything she'd ever heard or read about losing one's virginity mentioned that it could be uncomfortable, even painful, for the girl. Though she knew James would take his time and be gentle, she was determined to enjoy her first night as a married woman and any subsequent holiday they might take to the fullest. Aside from this, they had been so close so many times… it was driving Lily absolutely mad with desire to watch James dress himself each morning, or undress himself each night…
She knew James had stopped by Remus and Peter's both to finalize their plans, in addition to doing everything he could to locate Sirius. She wondered if he had any luck, for the thought of Sirius not being a part of James' bachelor night depressed her just as much as him. It seemed Sirius' induction into the Order had changed something in him, set him on a quest for vengeance or simply confirmed to him how alone he was. Perhaps the grief was too consuming, and he felt he had no one to reach out too.
It was a little after eight when Lily set the final touches on her table. She sat down to wait, but then heard voices echoing up from the stairwell that connected their two flats. She waited… it sounded like James had found Sirius, but she wasn't sure what they were discussing.
Time passed, Lily stared at the burning candles as they slowly melted onto the table. The two men were still talking… talking loudly… she began to worry…
Finally at half past eight, she stood and walked to her front door, opening it and stepping to the top of the stairs, hiding herself out of sight as she listened…
"… not like that, Sirius! None of us chose this," James was saying. "None of us-"
"No, we did choose it. We chose to live here, we chose to live together… and now I'm alone and you're not. It's just like it has always been," he snapped.
"How has it always been?" asked James curiously. Lily could tell there was strain in his voice as he spoke. "Explain this to me… because I recall that we were always in things together. From first year, from when we first met we –"
"You pitied me," snapped Sirius. "'Blimey, I thought you seemed all right,' was what you said when I told you my whole family had been in Slytherin. You pitied me, and talked to me then just like you pity me now and-"
"I don't pity you!" snapped James. "I hurt for you. I can't even imagine how much-"
"You can't imagine it, James, because it's real. I can't believe you're hurting that much for me because you've never known pain. You've always had everything. You have a family who loves you, you have-"
"That family that loves me… they took you in as well, and they love you just as much!" James yelled, his voice rising angrily.
"Out of pity, or obligation! They're still your parents, not mine. You had them, and you've had the fortune, the friends… Pete and Remus looked up to you more so than me; I'm the 'trouble maker!' And now this… now this… now you're getting married and you're going to have a bunch of little babies someday… and where will I be, huh? Sirius Black, James Potter's friend who baby sits. Bachelor for life, always alone," Sirius growled.
"I did not become your friend out of pity, or obligation. Sirius, you-are-my-brother… and you have just as many friends as I do, if not more, because of your troublesomeness," said James. "Please… you can't do this… don't shut me out because you're grieving. I … I've been trying to help, but I don't know what to do! Tell me what you want me to do. You're right… I can't imagine-"
"No, you can't," Sirius shouted. "Because you've never lost something important; you've never had anything you value ripped away from you. Lily is still alive, and you said yourself that if something were to ever happen to her you'd go mad… well, I'm going mad. And suicide isn't an option for me because I'm a bloody coward, so I'm stuck. I'm stuck alone, and you've got everything you've ever wanted and you'll never have to feel any pain because it's beneath the holy feet of James Potter."
Lily flinched as Sirius slammed the door in what she was sure was James' face. Her heart broke; she understood his pain all too well, for she knew what it was like to feel alone and want nothing more than to disappear from the Earth. But Sirius wouldn't talk to her, he wouldn't talk to James… it sounded like he wouldn't talk to anyone.
As much as her heart ached for him, she hurt more for James. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know how grief felt, and he was desperately trying to keep himself and the people he loved in one piece, even though it seemed to be tearing him apart inside.
James' footsteps began to walk up the stairs. Lily panicked and flung herself back inside the flat and began to try and clean up, knowing James would require more than physical intimacy after his fight.
She paused her cleaning when he stepped through the door, his eyes falling on her and a heavy sigh leaving his body. "Hi," she whispered.
James swallowed, looking around at the dinner on the table and the melted candles. "Hi… you… what were you… did-"
"I heard," she confessed. "I was standing in the hall."
James nodded, then opened his mouth and closed it. He ruffled his hair, and stared at Lily blankly, not knowing what to say for ruining her evening…
Lily sighed and put down the plate she was holding. "Come here," she said, holding out her hand. James took it and let her lead him to their bed, where she sat down and stared up at him.
James looked down at her, overwhelmed by her beauty and the softness in her expression. He felt an overwhelming rush of guilt. Guilt that she was his, when he was undeserving and arrogant; guilt that he was not alone as Sirius was. He felt guilt for being thankful she was alive, guilt for knowing he couldn't survive without her. It was guilt on top of guilt on top of more guilt… and he felt crushed that Sirius thought James was only his obligatory friend. He felt angry that Sirius was just pushing everyone away out of grief, and he felt completely depressed and not at all in the mood for a stag night when the very person who'd helped him become a stag wouldn't be there…
"James… love," whispered Lily, pulling him down on the bed with her, "talk to me."
James sniffed and shook his head. He turned his face away, feeling angry and guilty that he was tearing up again, when Lily still had yet to cry over her best friend's death. She pulled him close and wrapped her arms around his neck, laying back against the pillows and hugging him tightly.
"I can't do anything… I'm helpless," he whispered in a shaky voice.
"We're all helpless," she replied. "You aren't alone in that state."
"Only because you're here…" he muttered. "I don't know what I would do if… Lily… I can't… I don't know how to help Sirius because I … I don't know what I would do if that… if it-"
"Shhhh," Lily whispered, hugging him tighter. "It wasn't… it'll be all right… he'll-"
"He hates me," said James. "He hates me because… because I've always had everything so easily, just like you said… just like you've always told me. It's always easy for me, never hard… and it's been hard for him, and for you, and I'm so-"
"James… shhhh," said Lily, clutching him tightly. "You've not had it easy because you've had to watch us. Sometimes that's worse than going through it yourself," she explained. She felt James nod, but he said no more. She squeezed him tightly as he buried his face into her neck, trying her best to ease some of the pain he was feeling as he allowed the echo of Sirius' words to replay again and again in his memory.
J&L&J&L
Lily woke up early to the sound of tapping against the window of their flat. She stretched and pulled James' arm off of her waist before walking over and opening it, jumping slightly at the owl that fluttered inside.
"Gerard," she said, recognizing the Tottlehams' owl instantly from the time he'd pecked at her hand until she responded to Julia. Daisy gave an indignant hoot from the top of the dresser as Lily took the letters that Gerard was holding.
James grunted and rolled over in his sleep; Lily tossed the owl a treat and let Daisy out of her cage for her morning hunt before sitting back down on the bed next to him. He breathed easily, letting her know he was still asleep as she curiously opened the envelope and read a short note inside.
"Lily,
"I got your invitation in the mail. I believe we'll be able to attend, I'm very glad you thought of us. Things have been all right here, we've been trying to live up to your suggestion in Julia's farewell speech and do things she would want us to. I hope you've been doing the same, though it's been difficult for sure.
"I'm sending you some letters I found in Julia's trunk when I unpacked it finally the other day. I did not read them, but they were addressed to you and Sirius so I felt they should be with the parties she was speaking to. I hope that it isn't too upsetting for you to read.
"I'm so happy for you and James, you seemed so happy together the few times we saw you. I'll look forward to seeing you two wed come next Saturday.
"Yours,
"Sheryl Tottleham"
Lily sighed heavily and stared at the other envelopes that were contained with the note. For some reason, she found herself growing very angry as she stared at the letter belonging to Sirius. The fact that he'd been aloof and isolated for the past two weeks bothered her, but a majority of her sudden irritation was because of his conversation with James the previous night. He hadn't deserved that. Sirius knew better. He knew James didn't pity him, and hadn't become his friend out of obligation. He knew that the Potters loved him just as much as James, and he knew that Julia wouldn't want him acting the way he was now.
But what would she want? Lily had questioned that many times. She thought she knew; Julia always said that no matter what happened to her, she wanted the people in her life to go on and experience everything they could. She'd made Lily swear that she would force people who were grieving over her out of their shells if necessary.
"I'd rather never had anyone in my life at all, than to think about them grieving and being depressed after I'm gone," she had said. "That's not what life is about."
Lily sighed, opening her letter from Julia and reading it quickly, her eyes pricking with tears at the kind words her friend had written the night before her death. A resolution formed inside Lily's heart. She didn't know what Sirius' letter contained, but she was going to make sure she kept her promise to Julia and not let anyone stop living just because she was gone.
"You're sure you don't mind," said James around two hours later. He had his rucksack slung over his shoulder, and was looking at her with a slightly pained expression as she pushed him toward the door to their flat. "You made all that dinner and I –"
"James… it's fine," she said, shoving him out the door. "I'll be fine, just have fun. Don't scare any of the poor forest animals if you can avoid it."
James laughed. "I'll be home as soon as I can tomorrow, I promise," he said before kissing her softly. "Perhaps a breakfast date?"
Lily grinned. "Breakfast dates are good. I'll not be wearing that dress though," she said.
"You could wear-"
"Perhaps I will," she said, cutting off his suggestion and giving him a playful wink. "Now go, before Pete becomes panicked and wonders where you've got off too."
"Right… I love you, Lily," he said, kissing her again.
"I love you."
James nodded and traipsed down the stairs; Lily frowned as he paused, looking at Sirius' door with a pained expression before heading out onto the street. She waited until she knew for sure he was gone, then dressed and grabbed her wand before heading downstairs.
She didn't even bother knocking on the door, choosing instead to flick her wand and undo Sirius' rather weak locking charm and entering his flat. She paused, pulling a disgusted face as she looked it over.
It was still completely empty. One chair, one sofa… nothing else; there were paper plates with crusts of bread on them scattered all over the floor, and piles of laundry laying randomly throughout the sitting room. There had been a vague part of her that expected Sirius to have made detailed plans for revenge during his hours of solitude. Though it was plain to see that he had been doing what she feared most: nothing.
She flicked her wand and watched as the paper plates soared into the rubbish bin, and the piles of laundry sorted themselves appropriately and neatly in the corner. I'll deal with that that later, she thought as she walked back into the bedroom, where she knew Sirius was asleep.
He was lying on a mattress, just a mattress. No sheet, no box spring or bed frame… just a mattress. And a blanket that was too small for his long body. He hadn't shaved in at least a week she guessed, and his hair looked matted and dirty. Lily nudged his foot with her own. "Sirius?" she said, listening as he grunted. "Sirius…"
One eye peeked open, glaring at her from under his mass of hair. "What the bloody hell are you doing?" he grumbled sleepily. "Go away… you are the last person I want to see right now."
Lily had been feeling angry all morning; angry about Julia's death, angry about the Death Eaters, angry at herself for not being able to cry, angry at Sirius for snapping at James and treating him unfairly. Something about Sirius' tone of voice, however, seemed to channel it and send it bursting to the surface like the volcanoes James so desired to see.
"Apparently we're sharing emotions now…" she snapped, grabbing the blanket roughly and pulling it off him in one swift movement. "Get up! Get up and get out of that bed… if you can even call it that."
Sirius stood up and glared, he made an angry noise and turned around the room. "Accio wand!" Lily shouted, watching as Sirius' wand flew from underneath another pile of clothes into her hand. Sirius started forward, and she laughed and backed away. "If you think I'm going to give this to you so you can hex me you aren't nearly as smart as I once gave you credit for."
"Course I'm not… that's me! That's-"
"Shut up and get dressed," Lily snarled. "Do you even have clean clothes? This is disgusting… you are better than this."
"Who the hell do you think you are?" asked Sirius, glaring at Lily with a great amount of disdain. "Who are you?"
"I'm Lily Evans… we used to be friends, remember? And you used to care about your appearance, and you used to care about my friend Julia… remember her?"
"Fuck you!" Sirius shouted angrily.
Lily didn't back down, even though Sirius was right in her face, breathing angrily and his eyes livid with rage. "And you used to care about James Potter too, but for some reason you've decided that since Julia is gone now you can revert into being a completely selfish arse and shutting out everyone who cares about you!"
"I'm not shutting anyone out! I'm tired of being pitied!"
"Stop acting so pitiful then," Lily snapped, shoving the envelope from Julia into his hands. "Here… get dressed and read this, then come up stairs and I'll get you something to eat."
Sirius stared at the envelope, confusion replacing the anger on his face. "Who is this from?"
"It's from Julia," she explained. "Her mother found it and thought you should have it." Lily watched as Sirius straightened up slightly. She then flicked her wand and gathered up the dirty laundry to take upstairs and throw in the wash, leaving Sirius standing alone in his room holding Julia's last correspondence to him.
Forty-five minutes later, Lily was loading a pile of Sirius' clothing into her washer when the door to the flat opened and he walked sheepishly inside. He'd showered and shaved, though his hair was longer than she was used to. "Have a seat," she muttered, gesturing toward one of the chairs at the dining room table. Sirius obeyed, watching curiously as Lily walked into the kitchen and came out with a plate of food and placed it in front of him. "Quiche," she said, turning away and heading back to the laundry room.
"Quiche?" he called after her.
"Quiche. You know… eggs, cream… I put some ham and cheese in there because I know you liked that at Hogwarts," she called back. "I didn't poison it; James had some before he left and he was fine."
Sirius nodded, picking up the fork she had left him and starting to shovel the pie into his mouth. He closed his eyes; it tasted amazing. He realized with a start that it had been about three days since he'd eaten anything other than a slice of stale bread. He finished his plate rapidly, standing up and heading to the kitchen for another slice. After he had repeated this sequence twice, he finally just brought the entire pan of quiche back with him and began eating it without even cutting a slice.
Sirius heard Lily snigger behind him. "I probably should have asked."
"Sirius Black," she replied quietly, "You don't need to ask in our house, you should know this. Besides, it's rather comforting to see you eat. And your whole life is full of 'I probably should have…' moments; why should that change now?"
Sirius nodded in agreement, he wondered if he should note that he agreed with her, but his mouth was full of quiche at the moment. Lily set down a glass of pumpkin juice next to him, and then resumed her task behind him in the other room. Sirius turned over his shoulder and watched her as he chewed his last few bites. "Is that my laundry you're folding?"
"Yes, my laundry is done," said Lily matter-of-factly.
Sirius swallowed and turned his eyes to his trainers. "You shouldn't do that."
"Yes, perhaps I shouldn't. You've been doing such a good job at it and all…" she replied coolly.
Sirius scowled, but then sighed acquiescingly and nodded his head. He drank the last bit of juice from his glass and then stood, taking his plate and the empty quiche pan into Lily and James' kitchen before walking into the sitting room. He sat down and grabbed the basket of clothing, pulling it towards himself and starting to fold the various items within. There was silence between them.
"Lils-"
"Just… shut up, all right?" she said, standing up and walking back to grab more clothes from the dyer and put more in the washer. When she came back in carrying another basket, Sirius frowned and tried to say something again. "Sirius, don't. You should already know that I'm the last person on Earth you can expect pity from. I don't know everything you said to James last night, but I heard some of it and that was enough."
"Right," Sirius muttered.
"He didn't deserve that."
"I know."
"He misses you; he was only trying to help. If you knew how upset he was… how depressed he's been since you've been barricading yourself down there in piles of laundry-"
"Lils… I know," interrupted Sirius. Lily watched his cheeks color in embarrassment; he ruffled his hair and sighed heavily before picking up another shirt to fold. "You know, there was a time when I thought you'd be the last person on Earth to ever care about Prongs being upset or depressed."
"Things change."
Sirius nodded, a sad smile crossing his face. "Yeah… they do, I suppose."
Lily didn't reply, they sat in silence folding clothes for another twenty minutes. Lily helped Sirius carry everything back to his flat, but then frowned as they simply set it in piles on the floor. "You need furniture."
"Yeah, I reckon I do."
"What time is it?"
Sirius checked his watch. "It's fifteen minutes until three."
Lily nodded. "Come on, then."
Sirius followed her back upstairs, watching as she grabbed a small handbag before heading back downstairs and out the door. "Where are we going?" he asked as she grasped his hand.
"We're meeting Lindsay in Cricklade," Lily explained, turning on the spot and pulling Sirius with her.
Sirius was quiet as they walked out of an alleyway and to a small café that was in the middle of town. He fidgeted with his watch and his hair, checked his clothes and rubbed at his clean shaven skin. "The Potters gave you the watch, didn't they?"
Sirius cleared his throat and nodded. "For your seventeenth?"
"Yes."
"That's a nice gift," she mused, pushing open the door to the café and stepping inside. "I need a watch."
Sirius was about to reply, but then a surprised cry filled his ears and he was suddenly engulfed in a tight hug. "Sirius Black," said Lindsay Potter's bright voice in his ear. "I have been worried sick about you, young man. You haven't responded to any of my letters, and I stopped by the other day and you weren't home…"
"I know, I'm sorry Linds," apologized Sirius, returning the embrace. "I've been… a little out of sorts, I suppose."
Lindsay frowned and nodded sadly. She stood up on her toes and kissed Sirius on the forehead, ruffling his hair and placing her arm around his waist as they walked to a table. The three of them sat down and ordered an appetizer and three cups to drink while they talked. Lindsay brushed a few strands of hair from Sirius' face. "Are you all right, dear?"
Sirius glanced at Lily, who remained quiet as she sipped her tea. "I don't think I've been trying to be all right, to be honest, Lindsay."
James' mother nodded wisely. "It's really a silly question, I'm not sure why I ask it," she said, glancing at Lily.
"I think it's an instinct; one of those things we ask or say just to fill the silence," replied Lily quietly. "Sort of like saying 'I'm sorry' when everyone knows you are, or replying 'you too' when someone says enjoy your food."
Lindsay and Sirius both laughed, lightening the mood considerably. They talked for a while, mostly about Sirius and how he'd been doing since he hadn't been replying to anyone's letters. He brightened up considerably when the subject turned to James and what Sirius labeled his "Goldfish face."
"In seven years, I'd never seen him make that face," he was laughing after Lily mimicked it perfectly.
"Really? I've seen him make it a few times. He does it a lot when he doesn't know what to say," she laughed.
"Well, that's why you've seen it and I haven't," he teased. "You tend to make him a bit more speechless than I do."
They drank three more cups of tea and then the reluctantly strayed to what Sirius had been up to during his weeks of solitude, which hadn't been much.
"To be honest, I haven't done anything since … well, since I went with James, Remus, and Peter at the end of June," he confessed quietly. "My apartment is still empty; Lily was helping me with my laundry today and I didn't even have a dresser to put the clean things in."
"Well, you know, Sirius," said Lindsay, "Ambrose and I have gold set aside specifically for you to get furniture. We've had it since-"
"I know… I … Lindsay, you guys don't have to do that for me. I have-"
"I know you have gold, Sirius," James' mother replied firmly. "But we want to do this. You're practically our second son! We've been wanting to do the same for James and Lily but we just haven't had time to get to it," said Lindsay looking over at Lily with the same bemused expression.
"Why don't we do it now?" suggested Lily.
"Hmmm," Lindsay mused, checking her own watch. "We've got time. I know that Hollander's Homes is still open. Have either of you ever been in there?"
Sirius shook his head and gazed over at Lily. "James had some catalog the other day, what was it…" she said, twirling her hair and biting her lip. "Oh, it was Ashlyn's Wizarding Wardrobes. He saw some things in there he liked."
"I think they're open too," said Lindsay brightly. "They're in Bristol's wizarding area, so they'll be able to deliver it soon. What do you think Sirius?"
Lily watched Sirius smile and ruffle his hair lightly. "Let's go have a look," he said, leaving a tip for the waitress on the table and escorting Lily and Lindsay out the door.
Around seven-thirty, the group of them were Apparating back to Sirius' flat to await delivery of his new bed frame, mattress, dressers, table and chairs, and various other furniture that he had purchased with Lily and Lindsay's help. Lily had also gotten a new bed frame, new dressers for her and James, and a few end tables for their sitting room.
"I'll pick up some other things later with James, but this will be a good surprise for him when he gets home tomorrow," she said brightly as Lindsay and Sirius helped her move their existing bed into the spare room.
"Yes, that's right," said Lindsay, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. "He's out tonight, isn't he?"
Lily nodded, watching Sirius frown and scuff the floor with his toes. The doorbell rang and the wizards from the furniture store stepped inside. Lily was again amazed by the abilities of magic; they simply walked into the appropriate rooms, waved their wands, and the furniture appeared.
"Convenient," she said in a low voice, blushing when Sirius and Lindsay laughed at her.
"That's the world you live in now, Lils," Sirius joked, putting his arm around her shoulders and giving her a brief squeeze.
An hour later, payment had been made, the furniture had been arranged, Lindsay Potter had said good-bye to her surrogate son and soon to be daughter-in-law, and Lily and Sirius were sitting around her table sipping firewhiskey out of small tumblers.
"Do you feel better?" asked Lily, swirling the contents of her glass and staring at the splashes it made.
Sirius sighed. "Yes. I do, Lils."
"Obviously I don't expect you to be completely healed," added Lily. "Merlin knows-"
"I feel better, Lily," he said again. "I do."
Lily nodded, downing the rest of her glass and shuddering slightly. Sirius watched her with a curious expression. "What did your letter say?" he asked quietly.
Lily smiled. "It started off with 'if you're reading this and you're still a virgin I'm rolling over in my grave,'" she said, chuckling lightly.
Sirius laughed. "Well, don't worry too much. She spent the first paragraph cursing me out for how I've been behaving."
Lily smiled. "Did she ever tell you-"
"She told me the night we made love," he explained, leaning forward on his elbows. "She tried to convince me that a relationship with her wasn't worth me getting hurt when she was gone."
Lily frowned. "Was it?" she asked quietly.
Sirius smiled and nodded. "I wouldn't go back and change anything… I'm glad I was with her for the last two years. I'm glad I got to kiss her and hold her and talk with her all those times. I wouldn't change anything, Lils, I mean that."
Lily nodded, keeping her eyes trained on her glass. Sirius watched her curiously, noticing her eyes looked a little wet and her cheeks were flushed. "Are you sure about that?" she asked, her voice shaking.
"What could I change?"
Lily lifted her face; Sirius frowned sadly. There were tears in her eyes and she was squeezing the glass in her hands tightly. "It could have been me instead."
"No," said Sirius, reaching for her hand and squeezing it. "I-"
"It should have been me," Lily interrupted, her voice cracking. "I'm the muggle-born, I'm the one they wanted and she just got dragged into it because she wouldn't stop fighting. I'm the one they hate; Malfoy… he kept asking why she was there, saying that it wasn't as important to kill her as it was me-"
"Lily… I don't-"
"-It should have been me. It should have always been me but it wasn't, it never is… it's always someone else in my place and-"
"Lily, stop," said Sirius, squeezing her hand tightly. "Stop it. I don't know what else wrote to you, but I'm positive it wasn't anything like this."
"No, it wasn't… but still-"
"But nothing," he said firmly. "She knew, a long time ago that something was going to happen to her… nothing we could have done would change that."
"But I should be gone too. I should be-"
"No, you shouldn't. You have a bigger purpose… that's what she said in my letter," said Sirius.
"What?" asked Lily, wiping her eyes and trying to compose herself.
"She said you have a bigger purpose, she didn't say what, but she said it was something. You and James both," he explained. "And that's why I'm supposed to not bury myself in the ground, or become bitter and angry like I was. I'm supposed to keep you safe, and happy… and I'm supposed to be your friend."
Lily nodded. "I thought you were already my friend," she said in a teasing voice.
Sirius chuckled. "I am, Lils. I'm drinking with you… and that's one of the qualifying factors for being my friend," he teased.
Lily laughed and breathed in very deep. "What about James?"
Sirius sighed, then grinned wickedly at her. "Well, I don't know what you were thinking… but there can't be a stag party without the man's best friend, can there?"
A/N: My apologies for the delay, I had a bit of a family emergency. But we're back on track now! Expect another update in a week =)