All the Roads We Have to Walk: Chapter Thirty-Eight

Sora hadn't really noticed but at some point the green had turned black. He also couldn't remember when it was he had chosen to sit down rather than stand up. Now that he was aware of these two things he began to notice something else. In the distance someone stood with their back to him. For a moment all he could hear was the blood rushing through his ears. His heart pounded, his breath got stuck in his chest. Wasn't he meant to be alone in this place?

The person moved, looking back over their shoulder at him.

Sora got to his feet. Who was that?

"Sora, you abandoned me. You did nothing to help me."

"Riku?"

The silver haired teen turned away, his voice echoing through the emptiness. "Did you laugh at me, knowing that as you grew more and more powerful I just got weaker?"

"No, I would never do that."

"You thought I was pathetic. You thought you were better than me."

"That isn't true!"

"You were bathed in light while I cowered in shadows." Riku laughed, the sound harsh and brittle. "Don't tell me you didn't feel a little superior."

Sora looked down at his feet. "I…"

"I thought so." There was no pleasure in Riku's voice. "You always wanted to beat me."

"It wasn't like that! I didn't know what to do!" His hands tightened into fists. "It wasn't meant to happen like that." Sora looked up and stepped forward. "Riku you know I never meant to…"

"But you did." He began walking away.

"Stop!"

Riku didn't.

"Riku…" Sora ran after him. "Please wait!" He ran as fast as he could but Riku kept getting further and further away. "I'll make up for it!"

His voice sounded out even as he disappeared into the darkness. "Will you?"

"I will!"

Sora came to a standstill to catch his breath. Riku was gone, lost to the…

"Hey." Something tugged on his pants. "When did you get so tall?"

Looking down Sora could quite believe what he saw. He rubbed his eyes and tried again. The other was still there and now the darkness was a place, a familiar one too. Hollow Bastion's Rising Falls were dark and the water didn't stop rushing but Sora still knew who he was looking at as he crouched down to be on their level.

"You're…"

"You, yup!" Little Sora looked up with a bright smile. He couldn't have been more than six or seven, dressed in that old white and blue t-shirt, bright red shorts and yellow sandals. "I'm so glad I get to be so tall! But," a frown creased his brow. "But I bet Riku's still taller." He grabbed Sora's pants again, still having to look up to his older self despite Sora being on his knees. "But Kairi isn't, is she? She's still all tiny right?"

"Uh…yeah. But…um…"

"I'm Sora!"

Sora scratched the back of his head, a bemused smile on his face. "Don't you think that's gonna get confusing?"

"Nope." The child started sweeping his foot back and forth through the small pool atop one of the rocky outcroppings. "Besides Sora is my name too. You can't go and rename me!"

"Okay, okay, sorry…Sora." He laughed. "This is weird. Anyway, why am I here? I thought I was in the Lifestream."

"Oh, you are. This is part of it. Cool huh?"

Sora felt like sitting back down. "This is more complicated than I expected."

His younger self tugged him forward. "Come on, we've got things to do."

"Things to do?"

"Uh huh. There's a test. You'd better pass it!"

"I was never very good at tests you know."

"You don't wanna fail this one."

Sora swallowed hard. "What do I have to do?"

Little Sora pointed. "Watch. It's starting."

Two new figures appeared, their features hidden in darkness. The younger Sora clutched his elder's hand tightly. Sora looked down, seeing an odd look on his small counterpart's face. "Who are they? Are they Heartless?"

The younger looked up, his face compressed with sadness. "Don't you remember this?" There was shame in his eyes. "I can understand why you'd want to forget though."

And as Sora watched he began to know why this was one memory he kept at arm's length.

"He did what?" Tifa cried out, hovering by the edge of the Lifestream pool with the others close behind her. "Why?"

"He said it was calling to him," Red replied.

"I know that! He wasn't himself. His eyes…they were glowing like…"

"Like he had Mako in him?" Red provided. "It was the Lifestream. Somehow it connected to him – probably via the Keyblade. Utterly fascinating."

"What do we do now? How will we find him? What if he doesn't make it out?"

Yuna choked back a sob. "Don't say that Tifa!"

"Tifa there's something…"

Barret nudged Red with a knee and shook his head. "Later."

Red nodded ever so slightly just as Tifa looked at him. "What is it Red?"

He quickly came up with something else to say. "We still need to get the materia. We should do that and then we can think of a plan. We don't know how long the Heartless will be gone. Scans indicate there are countless numbers all over the planet. Northern Crater is an especially hot spot. If they come here we won't stand a chance. Besides," he padded over and stood beside Tifa as he gazed into the green stream. "I think Sora will be fine. He has a way of coming out of these things unscathed wouldn't you say?"

"Not like this Red. This is the Lifestream. We both know what that does to people. Although…" A faint glimmer of hope lightened Tifa's face. "Yes, there is a chance."

"Come on, let's get what we came fer. I didn't like this place when it was in one piece." Barret rested his arm over Tifa's shoulders. "It's gonna work out. Don't it always?"

"Do you want an answer to that?"

"Eh, mebbe not."

Tifa forced herself to look away from the Lifestream pit. "Let's go. Galuf, stay here with Yuna."

"Gotcha. Yuna, let's go back to the ship." Galuf held out a hand.

Yuna, still clad in her Moogle pyjamas, looked at the others a moment longer, her eyes seeking comfort, before she allowed herself to be led away. "Can't I help?" she asked.

"You'll be helping by making sure you stay safe," Galuf replied. "Come on, we can go run some scans and keep an eye on the Heartless. That way we'll be useful right?"

Yuna cheered up a little and gave a nod. The two of them disappeared onto the ship just as Barret, Tifa and Red stepped into the ruins of the ShinRa building.

"How far in is it?" Red asked, looking around. The sweeping staircases were both smashed beyond usage and the ceiling high above had numerous worrisome cracks. "I doubt the building will fall but…"

"It's at the bottom of the lift shafts in the back," Tifa said. "Come on, we'll have to climb over all this," she waved at the broken up displays, chunks of stairs and assorted junk that had fallen together to form an odd hill. "Shouldn't be too hard to grab."

"Then we can start figurin' out what the hell we're gonna do next," Barret said as he followed behind Tifa. "Find Zidane I guess."

"Got a few other things to worry about before then wouldn't you say?" Red carefully hopped up the concrete mountain.

"I'm tryin' to sound optimistic!"

"I think for now we need to stay firmly grounded in reality," Red retorted. "Sora will, in all probability, turn up again and somehow manage to be fine. However we shouldn't forget that there's a chance he'll come back to us with his mind not entirely intact."

"'Not entirely intact'. Red we'll be lucky if he still knows his own name. You remember how bad…"

"Let's just worry about the here and now," Tifa called back. "I don't want to think about the what ifs."

Sora watched as Riku walked away with the Keyblade, Donald and Goofy following close behind. He watched a figment of himself fall to his knees, that silly wooden sword on the stonework ahead of him. Sora's stomach tightened painfully. Yes, he had spent a lot of time trying to forget this moment.

"What were you thinking?" the child asked.

"Not a lot. It hurt."

"You're lying."

"Yeah, probably." Sora shook his head. "Why am I seeing this?"

"When this happened, for a moment you confronted the darkness within yourself."

Sora looked down at himself in shock, the words sounding so odd coming from the child's mouth. "What?"

"You've been doing it more and more lately. Didn't you think there was a reason why?"

"I don't understand."

Little Sora turned to face the figment. "For a moment all you thought about was finding Riku and hurting him. It was the briefest flicker but it was there, it was something you thought about doing." He turned and faced the real Sora. The little boy smiled. "Didn't you?"

Sora bowed his head, the shame of such a violent impulse flushing his cheeks. "Yeah. I wanted to…"

"Say it. Say it and we can move on."

"…smash his face in." He looked away, thoroughly disgusted. "I wanted to hurt him until he gave back everything he had taken from me."

"Why?"

"Because…!" Where had his words gone? He couldn't find the right ones to form an explanation. "Because…"

His child self snatched up his hand again. "Don't worry. We all get a little angry now and then."

"I don't like getting that angry. It makes me feel sick." Sora still looked miserable. "What if I got so angry I made a terrible mistake and hurt someone?"

The child's smile was sweet. "Haven't you already?"

The words were like a punch to the stomach. "What?"

"Hm, and what if you got so angry you used the Keyblade the wrong way and destroyed an entire world?"

The words echoed around his mind. Destroyed an entire world… "I could do that." It was as though he had only just realised it. But hadn't he known all along?

"Kinda scary huh?"

"Yeah…" Sora sounded silly to his own ears. "Very."

The younger pointed to something behind Sora. "Look over there."

Sora turned and found himself standing in the Grand Hall. Three men emerged from the shadows, each one as still as stone. Tsuko, Metsu and Yuki. Sora felt anger growing inside him. Fools. That's what the three of them were for messing with forces they knew nothing about.

"Do you hate them?"

"I…"

"They all hurt you. Tsuko thinks he's so superior. Metsu was a liar and Yuki a traitor."

"…I do."

Little Sora looked thoughtful. "You must hate a lot of people if that's all it takes. I guess you hate Riku then."

Sora shot him a look. "You know I don't hate Riku. Tsuko, Metsu and Yuki are different. They didn't get manipulated like Riku did. They were just a bunch of arrogant idiots who thought they knew best. They were wrong. Besides…the two of them," He jabbed a finger at the two brothers, "wound up getting me possessed. That doesn't make me wanna like them."

"You're funny!"

Sora grinned mirthlessly. "Would you like it if they did to you what they did to me?"

"Duh, they did! I am you. I'm just smaller." Little Sora smirked. "And you're right, I do hate them even though at the same time I don't hate Riku. Kinda weird huh?"

Sora got down on his knees again. "It's complicated but that's how the heart is. Riku's my best friend and the closest I'll ever have to a brother. We had a friendship to fall back on. The others were just strangers who stepped into my life and tried to end it."

"Shouldn't you find a way to not hate them?"

Sora cast his eyes at the three still men. "I suppose. It'd be the mature thing to do. But…it's hard."

"But isn't hating something or someone a bad thing to feel?"

"Yeah."

"And shouldn't you be better than that?"

"Probably. I don't know how though."

"I guess we can work on it huh?"

"Yeah. So, what's next?"

"Another bad one." The child smiled. "But we'll be okay won't we?"

The scream jerked Sora. He turned and found himself standing in the Wonderland snow, watching as Yuna fell to the Highwind's deck with a gunshot wound. The anger he had felt then had lessened but the guilt and horror certainly hadn't. Seeing it again, watching Yuna scream and fall, almost reduced him to tears but he held them back. This event was in the past. It was over. Yuna was fine.

It still hurt. He had still failed to protect her from harm. It was another reason Yuna had nightmares when she slept.

"You killed the one who shot her you know."

"Did I? Oh."

The child looked upset. "Don't you care? She was a person, not a Heartless."

"She hurt Yuna. Yuna's a little girl! How could a person be so…so… cruel?"

"How could you kill her?"

Sora didn't feel the need for much justification. "I was angry."

"Did she deserve it?"

"Yes." He didn't hesitate, not even for a wavering second.

The little boy walked away, the snow from Sora's memory swirling around him. "Who are you turning into?"

That gave Sora a start. "What do you mean?"

"You're a murderer."

Without another word the child ran away, lost in the hazy trees. Sora didn't follow him at first. Was the younger Sora right? Yeah, he was. Sora had killed the one who had shot Yuna with Ultima. But why? Had she deserved it? What right did Sora have to make that kind of a decision?

Light. Darkness. The grey place between. Was he sinking?

Sora stopped thinking and started running after his younger self. He couldn't see him at all in the trees. He plunged into the woods, noticing that the trees were strangely blurry. It was almost as if they weren't there. He squinted, trying to bring them into focus even as he ran. It was no good. Everything around him was starting to shift out of focus. Odd.

"This is the grey place."

Sora skidded to a stop. He turned and found the other Sora walking towards him, head bowed.

"You didn't really realise but when you killed that person, your heart began to slip into this." He reached out with a hand. "And then…" Oblivion shimmered into the air, the black Keyblade still ominous despite being a ghost. "Oblivion is a symbol of darkness and you wield it."

"But I don't… I'm not falling into darkness! I won't!"

"You have once."

"That was different! Besides I'm not a Heartless now."

The little boy smiled. "Nope, you sure aren't. That's why you need to realise a few things so that everything gets a little more balanced. 'Cause right now you're kinda messing things up."

"Messing things up?"

Little Sora shook his head and grabbed the elder's hand. "Come on, one more to go. Then we can talk some more."

The grey turned into a dream. They stood on the lake, the castle far away upon the hill. Sora shivered even though he didn't feel the coldness of the ice. This place was Disney Castle but not quite what he had imagined it to be.

"This isn't an ordinary dream."

Sora shot his little self a dark glare. "I know that."

"This is sort of like looking at the past, present and future."

"All at once? How does that work?"

"It's like you see how this place is," the child pointed to the ruined castle far away. "How it was and how it should be," he pointed to the castle lurking below the ice. "And then there's even more this place can do! Isn't it cool?"

"No. Not cool. Bad. Horrible. I don't like it." Sora groaned as the other Sora started giggling and poking his leg. "Oh alright," he grabbed the poking finger and crouched down. "What else does this place mean?"

"Not telling!"

Sora blinked at himself. "Eh?"

"Figure it out!" Little Sora rapped his knuckles against the other's head. "You should know these things!"

"Uh…" He looked around. "Isn't it just a dream about all the things you said?"

"It's your dream. Don't you think there's a part of you in it somewhere?"

Walking away, the younger Sora held his arms up. "All this is in your head and it comes from the heart. Light, dark and the place in-between. It's all there."

Sora straightened to his full height. "Being lectured on all this by myself as a kid is weird you know."

A blinding white light erased Sora's vision for a brief moment. "Is this any better?"

"Whoa! No way! Now it's like…"

"Heh, like you're talking to yourself?" The now teenaged other Sora grinned. "Come on figure it out so we can get moving."

The real Sora rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Okay. If this place comes from my heart then it's telling me…" He paused as he dredged up all the dreams he could remember, shaking them into some kind of order. "I'm falling…no…I'm failing."

"Failed."

Sora looked up sharply and met his own eyes. "Failed? Failed what?"

"The worlds of course. Look at them. They're all wrong."

"I'm doing something about it. I'll make it all right again."

"Will you? You keep getting angry, you murdered someone and your head is full of voices." His other self had a wry look on his face. "Doesn't really bode well for a hero. Does for the wielder of Oblivion though."

"I don't want to use Oblivion! If I could I'd use any other Keychain but they don't work!"

"That's because you're forgetting something."

"Forgetting something? Like what?"

"I can understand why. All this change must be a really huge shock for you. You've lost friends, found new ones, found an old one but hey, he's changed. Add the weird worlds and the voices and I'm not surprised you're cracking under the strain."

"Cracking?" Sora looked at the other quizzically. "But I'm not…"

"Yes you are. Remember the time you snapped at Tifa and Red 'cause they asked about Destiny Islands?"

"They were accusing me of things they had no right to say! That doesn't mean I'm turning evil."

"There's a place between good and evil you know."

"Yeah…but I'm not there!"

"You will be if you don't start facing up to facts."

Sora walked over the ice. "I know what you mean."

"Oh?"

He sighed, going over the memories he had seen and more he hadn't needed to be reminded of. "You're telling me I need to face up to the darkness within myself." Sora's eyes fell again upon the castle on the hill. "It's there, inside me all the time. It has been getting worse lately. That voice, Ansem, always in my head and saying so many things. It's draining." He took a deep breath. "But there's always a light in the dark right?"

"Of course."

"I seem to keep needing to remind myself these days. Before I just knew it."

"Did you hate people before this happened?"

Sora shook his head. "No, never. I don't hate Riku. I'm worried about him. Why can't I help him?"

"What about the one who attacked Yuna? What about Tsuko, Yuki and Metsu?"

"I can't help it. They make me so angry. What am I suppose to do? Forget the things they did and move on?"

"Ideally."

"Mom always said that to hate was human even if it wasn't a good thing to feel."

The other Sora smiled fondly. "Yeah, she did."

"So it's okay for me to hate."

"Is that a risk the Master of the Keyblade can afford to take?"

Sora laughed a little uneasily. A cold wind began to blow. "What are you saying? I can't 'afford' to be human?"

"Maybe you can't."

The two pairs of blue eyes met, one deadly calm the other racing with emotion. The ice began to groan beneath their feet. One took a step back. The ice cracked, web-like fractures racing outwards. Both knew which Sora was about to fall.

"You'll figure it out soon enough. Light, Dark and the place in between – your place in between." Sora's imaginary self began to fade away. "Try not to take too long. After all, you've got a Keyhole to seal and you don't want the Lifestream to claim your life as its own. If you realise what you need to know, it'll come to you."

"Wait! What will…"

But he was gone and Sora plunged into the freezing water.

Hurry. Light, dark and your place in-between. If you understand we can bring it to you.