AN: Sorry guys, I just kind of couldn't write anymore. I'm getting back into it, though, no worries!
Plot: All Miles had wanted to do was give Sam his phone back and maybe scare his best friend a little. He'd never planned on finding out that Sam's car is a giant robot, or that Sam fucks said giant robot. What a terrible idea that had been.

Bad Idea

Miles was known for his bad ideas. It was one reason he and Sam were such good friends, both of them could be complete idiots, but Sam was great at talking himself out of any situation, and Miles could generally bullshit them out of any situation that Sam couldn't. That was why they were a team, why they worked together. His idea had been innocent enough, really. Sam had left his phone at Miles' house after he spent the night, and like any good friend the blonde had just wanted to return it. In the process he managed to beat Sam home and decided to wait in the garage, hidden back behind the garbage cans and recycling bin so he could scare the crap out of his friend when he pulled in.

Except he hadn't gotten the chance, because when Sam had drove in something was definitely up, if the way Sam wasn't paying attention at all and the fact that he wasn't wrecking even with his eyes closed and no apparent hands on the steering wheel was anything to go by. Perhaps, if Miles was inclined towards homosexual tendencies in regards to his friend, which he wasn't, he would have realized what exactly the look on Sam's face meant and tried to save himself a good deal of embarrassment right then and there.

Only he didn't, and as he shifted on the balls of his feet and got ready to stand up and check on his friend, a gut feeling told him to stay as still as possible, and Miles decided to follow it. Sam's car, however, did the exact opposite, parts shifting in all directions and expanding until it looked almost humanoid, minus the whole being a good bit bigger part, and that was when Miles realized that Sam wasn't wearing anything besides a shirt and, well, there was finding out that your best friend's Camaro turned into a giant robot, and then there was finding out your best friend's Camaro turned into a giant robot that then apparently fucked said best friend with these weird wires or tentacles or whatever the fuck they were.

It wasn't often he found himself needing to get out of a horrible situation that involved Sam, and quite frankly he wasn't entirely comprehending just yet what he was seeing. Miles' mind ground to a temporary halt because oh fuck no; this was wrong on so many levels that he really just had no idea what to do. The blonde closed his eyes tightly, but that didn't keep him from hearing the sounds. The teen realized three things very quickly: the robot could talk, Sam was very receptive to said robot dirty talking, and that he was going to have to gouge out his eyes and go to the nearest firing range without ear protection if he had any hopes of clearing the memory out of his mind.

The blonde opened his eyes, trying to see how far it was to the door that could potentially get him out of this mess. It wasn't that far, really, except it was right in the open and Miles would have to leave his hiding spot if he wanted to reach it. The one thing he did know is that he would really hate to somehow make Sam realize that not only did Miles now know about his car being a robot, but about his car fucking him, too, at least in this situation. Maybe later, the next time Sam was over, Miles could casually bring it up, but not right now, not when his best friend was currently getting it on.

Miles spent the next two hours trying his best to pretend that his best friend wasn't having sex with a giant robot a few feet away from him and staying as still as he possibly could. Of course he had no way of silencing them, nor could he help it if he occasionally took a peek when it sounded like they were slowing down or Sam let out a particularly loud noise that could have been either 'oh God stop' or 'oh God don't stop'. He quickly found out a few other things that he really could have gone without realizing, like how Sam might have the teenage problem of getting off quickly but he rebounded just as fast, or that the robot's name was Bumblebee, and he especially never wanted to know what said giant robot or best friend sounded like as they orgasmed, but hey, life was unfair, and Miles was simply counting his blessings in that as awkward as it might be right now, he didn't have to talk to them, and at some point he could just slip away.

Another half hour later and he'd also found out that giant robot liked to cuddle with Sam, and that giant robot could make a blonde human looking guy and that said human looking guy could go at it with Sam as well. He almost felt like crying when Sam only went one round with the blonde human looking guy, who was still apparently Bumblebee and what the fuck, before saying he had to go in for dinner.

And just like that Miles' special little hell seemed to be over, blonde human looking thingy helping Sam get cleaned up and making sure that his best friend could stand without his legs turning into jelly, and thank God Sam was dressed now. Giant robot shrunk back into Camaro, Sam and fake-human kissed, and then Sam went inside smoothing his hair down.

Unfortunately for Miles, he quickly realized that he was not out of the metaphorical frying pan just yet. Not only just because he now knew Sam's car was a robot that could communicate with Sam and would probably notice, but also because Sam had left the garage door open that led into the kitchen, and he could hear Judy asking Sam if Miles had returned his phone yet. The blonde regretted making a quick stop inside to snatch one of Judy's delicious cookies now because now Sam knew that Miles was somewhere probably hiding and waiting for him, which meant Sam would look for him.

Miles knew he was well and truly fucked now. It wouldn't take long for Sam to search his entire house, and his best friend would know him well enough to know that he would have said something to Judy if he was going and left his phone. But it was either get caught out by his best friend or by the robot called Bumblebee, and he was still debating that when Sam came back in the garage.

His best friend looked a little sick to the stomach, and Miles took what satisfaction he could from that before standing up, admittedly somewhat shakily as he'd been kneeling in the same position for almost three hours and holy hell were his legs full of pins and needles. Sam saw his movement, and for a minute the two just stood there and stared straight at each other.

"I-"

"No." Miles cut Sam off as quickly as he could, maneuvering his way out from behind the recycling bin.

"But-"

"No."

"I can explain-"

"Oh fuck no."

"Miles, I'm sorry, this isn't how I wanted you to find out, bu-"

Miles held up a hand this time to cut him off, completely ignoring his best friend's pleading look. "One: I really don't want to hear anything right now. Two: I'm never riding in your car, robot, whatever the fuck he/she/it is again. Three: I'm going to go home and watch YouTube videos of cute kittens and pretend I haven't heard or seen any of this. Four: I'm going to avoid you for at least a week, maybe two, but hey man, congrats on the stamina."

Sam kept his mouth shut this time, just nodding dumbly, and Miles handed him his phone before quickly leaving the garage and pretending he didn't hear Sam talking to Bumblebee. He just wanted to go home, watch those cute kittens, maybe a few old favorite childhood movies, and cry. The Iron Giant would be forever ruined for him now.

Sam was still sitting inside of Bumblebee in mortified silence, and the Scout couldn't help but feel some of that same mortification. He should have been paying better attention to his surroundings, but Judy and Ron had basically deemed the garage his and Sam's area unless they were taking out the trash or recyclables, and as it wasn't the day for either of those the Autobot had just gone about his business with his Charge.

Of all the ways for an organic to find out about his race, he mused, that definitely had to be one of the most interesting ones. The Scout gave his Charge five more minutes of self-hatred before he cleared his vocalizer.

"Sam," Bumblebee said tentatively, "I know this might not be the best time to mention it, but I had to report this to Optimus, Ratchet, and William. I didn't give any details, of course, but both corresponded with the other and agree that it's best Miles be debriefed as soon as possible."

"Oh, God…" Sam put his face in his hands and just lay back on Bumblebee's seats, "How soon is as soon as possible?"

"…Ratchet might almost be at his house now…"

"Fuck." Sam muttered, and Bumblebee wholeheartedly agreed.

As much as he didn't want to upset his Charge, he didn't want to not tell him and have Miles call Sam freaking out, either. It was a lose-lose situation, really, and Bumblebee sent Judy a quick text to tell her that Sam would not be making it to dinner. The least he could do for Miles was get to the teen's house as soon as possible, because as amazing as Ratchet was, he just wasn't that good with humans.

And Bumblebee might have just given Ratchet the details he'd skimped out on with Optimus and Will, because although Miles wasn't a participant Bumblebee's energy signature had still spiked all over the garage, which would mean the Medic would be able to pick it up on Miles a little bit and Sam a lot. He really didn't need Ratchet to explain to Miles that he'd been inadvertently marked as Bumblebee's. The Scout had still yet to explain that to Sam, for Primus' sake.