Note: Thanks for the reviews. Here is the next chapter and to answer one of the questions/comments posed, actually I will have a future chapter with Rhett's thoughts but I'm afraid I just got done writing it and that won't be until chapter 46, which is quite a ways away. So we won't hear from Rhett again until chapter 41 briefly and chapter 44. Then 46 will be all him!

Also missysammy, I took your advice and will have Eleanor and Rosemary come to Atlanta in the future. Thank you all and please enjoy! Reviews are always welcomed.

Part 37

It wasn't love that made Scarlett scramble to her feet, her hand going to her chest in a flurry. If Ashley had just arrived that meant that the old buffalos had probably passed him on their way out. One thing she didn't need is any gossip that would somehow confirm Rhett's suspicions.

"He's here?" Going to the mirror, she saw she looked even more awful then she had imagined. Her gown was wrinkled and her face drawn. She simply couldn't let Ashley see her this way! Call it pride but she had always looked her best in his presence, and that wasn't going to change now just because she wasn't in love with him.

"Cookie, hurry and help me. Go fetch me my chocolate colored gown in the closet, the one with the high bustle and flower at the shoulder."

Cookie went to do her bidding and she sunk on her bed, a speculating look in her eyes. She wondered why Ashley was downstairs. Her correspondence with him hadn't certainly announced her arrival since it had been sudden. For some odd reason she felt nervous, as if he would truly see her. The unhappiness and agony she felt, well she just wouldn't let on.

But more frightening then that, she couldn't help but think as she stood up for Cookie to help her. Was the fear she would see his pain and her own would come flooding back. As the dress slipped over her head and she rose up her arms, she left Cookie to look in the mirror. Indeed, she looked better but not quite good enough, especially her hair.

Grabbing her brush, she gave it a few quick, good strokes. "I'll wear it down today," she told Cookie. "Go tell Mistha Ashley I will be right down. And send a tray of tea and pastries to the parlor…"

Once Cookie had left, Scarlett put on a dab of cologne on her wrist and patted some on her neck. Also and she knew what would have been to Mammy's horror, she pinched her cheeks roughly. But when color failed to appear, she settled for her jar of rogue and powered some lightly on her cheeks. Certainly she looked better and a slight smile came to her lips of satisfaction.

Leaving her room, she headed for the parlor the second time today. The house was as still as ever but she could hear the strain of Ella's voice as she played dolls by herself in the nursery. After Bonnie's death Rhett had barred its use but since he wasn't here, Scarlett had given her permission for Ella to play there.

Unconsciously, she held her locket in her hand as she came to the parlor. Entering, Ashley was sitting down but immediately rose to his feet at seeing her, a small, weak smile coming to his lips. But what drew Scarlett were his eyes.

They burned with an inner fire that had often been in own her eyes. She couldn't place where she had seen that look but shrugged it off.

"Ashley," she warmly said, going over to him with her hand offered.

He took them and kissed them almost reverently but Scarlett didn't notice this as she smiled happily up at him. One of the first genuine smiles on her face since the disaster at St. Cecilia's.

"Scarlett, my dear. You look as beautiful as ever."

Biting her lip, she felt a sudden flood of emotion. But looked away, not wanting him to see her as weak. It was as if time had played a cruel trick and had taken away how they had used to be. Twelve long years ago, both had thought their life had been promising but it had turned out to be hell.

It remained unspoken that Melanie should have been there. The heart-shaped face should have been adoringly looking at Ashley and glowing with happiness. Melanie should have been there, sitting before her and sipping tentatively on tea while she rambled about the cause. True, Scarlett hadn't listened but she would have now.

"You're still the worst liar, Ashley Wilkes," Scarlett chided as she sat down on the settee. "But do sit down next to me and tell me how things have been since I left..."

Ashley sat beside her and she was vaguely surprised when he took one of her hands in his. She couldn't quite place her finger on it but there was something different in the way he was acting and how he was looking at her…

"The whole town continues to mourn for… Melly. Mrs. Merriweather, Mrs. Elsing and Mrs. Meade continue to fight for the cause even more so now since Melly…" he trailed off. "India is harsher somehow, I don't know what happened to her sweetness and innocence Scarlett but she's as hard as nails. Her brutality surprises me sometimes."

"Oh, India?" Scarlett asked with a shrug. "She has always been as hard as nails since I took her beau from her. But how is Aunt Pitty and Uncle Peter?"

A sad smile tilted his thin lips. "As if the world had come to an end and an era has passed."

Before, Scarlett couldn't have understood Ashley's ramblings. But she suddenly realized that Melanie had taken an era with her, passing along with her in her death. An era of gentility and the virtues Ellen had possessed, the virtues she wished she could attain. A deep loss settled over her and she had to hold the tears in once again by toying with her sleeve. Face hardening, she bit her lip.

Perhaps Ashley had noticed her distress for his hand in hers became warmer and his grasp tighter.

"Is Captain Butler home?" he asked, his gray eyes hesitant.

At the mention of Rhett's name, a feeling of new grief and loss washed over her. The emotions must have crossed over her face for Ashley stared at her with kind, wistful eyes.

"No, he's in Charleston still," she evasively replied. "But he will return soon."

The brightness in her voice was fake and they both knew it. Scarlett had the insane desire to tell him how awful it was between her and Rhett. But pride kept it in and she couldn't bear for Ashley to think badly of Rhett and feel pity for her. All would say she deserved it or rant about how many husbands' she had lost. But she hadn't lost Rhett and would never let anyone know that he had left her. Yet, she knew everyone sensed it, even Ashley though dim-witted, wasn't stupid in those matters but perceptible to her moods and emotions.

"Scarlett," he gently and hesitantly asked. "Are you and Rhett having problems?"

"Why would you ever say that, Ashley?" she playfully asked. "Fiddle-dee-dee, since when have you known Captain Butler and me to ever have problems?"

His eyes were questioning and she looked away, feeling unnerved.

"Has he hurt you?" he pressed. "In your letters, you seemed so happy to… be with him."

"Is this an interview?" she tightly asked. "Please, Ashley, I don't want to speak about… Rhett."

Ashley shook his head with an ironic smile on his lips. "Darling, I have to know if he hurt you, because by God if he did…"

"No," she stiffly said. "I hurt myself. Rhett had nothing to do with it. It's my fault because I was such a fool for not seeing that you didn't love me." Moving away from him, she glared at him, accusingly. "Yet, you left me hanging on to you like a lovesick girl. I could have been happy but you didn't have enough decency to tell me all those years…"

Ashley was holding her wrists, imploringly.

"Please calm down. Let me explain…"

Her jaw was stubbornly set. "You needn't bother." Then a sigh came form her lips and she placed her hand to her temples. "Don't worry, I won't slap you."

A smile came to his lips as both remembered her impetuous nature and how she had slapped him all those years ago in the library at Twelve Oaks.

"That's a relief."

Both were silent and once again Ashley grabbed her hand, an odd, pained expression on his face and he deeply sighed.

"Scarlett, I came to tell you something…"

With a raise of her brows, she said, "Well, go ahead, I am listening."

"After I lost Melanie… I thought I was too much of a coward to go on…"

Scarlett flinched but he continued.

"Then I thought of you. Your beautiful face and your courage. You have always been so strong and full of life. From the moment I returned from Europe, I loved you but I couldn't marry you. I married Melly because she was my blood and like me. Never could I have you as more then a dear friend…since I was a fool to believe you were too passionate for me. Now…"

The breath seemed lodged in her throat and her eyes widened. Being used to love declarations from men, she knew what he would say next. She didn't want to hear it and tried to block out his words.

"Ashley…"

"No let me finish, dear," he said grabbing her hand and searching her eyes. "I know you haven't been happy because you have thought of everyone but yourself. You married Captain Butler for money as you married Frank because I was too much of a coward to stop you… But Captain Butler was the worst. He hurt and coarsened that very sweetness…"

"Stop," she harshly cut in, pulling her hand out of his and getting to her feet. "Rhett didn't coarsen me. You were the one who didn't have enough decency to tell me that you didn't love me so that I-" she trailed off, floundering. "So that I could have quit wanting a man I could never be happy with…" Her voice became almost a murmur as she thought aloud. "When the only man I could have truly been happy with was right in front of me, the whole time… Oh, I was such a fool."

There was a queer look in his eyes as he rose to his feet, a rueful smile on his lips. "I suppose I am out of respect and not being very gentlemanly. Forgive me, Scarlett."

Giving in after consideration, she sat back down and forced a thin smile, although she felt sick and wished she could have just been left alone. "Well, enough serious talk for today. You simply must tell me the gossip that has circulated about me."

His eyes lowered briefly. "Well, they say you and Captain Butler are separating. Rather that he left you."

"Oh," she breathed, feeling anger and shame, hating that Ashley had to keep bringing such an awful subject up. "I wish people would mind their own business, Ashley. I never have any peace here because those hateful women have always been against me."

"You always had thought in that stubborn mind of yours, that I could make you happy," Ashley suddenly said, surprising Scarlett enough to gape at him. "I need you, my dear…"

Patting his hand, she smirked. "Not even those old biddies can keep me from seeing you, Ashley. You know I will always be here for Beau and you."

"You could leave, Rhett," Ashley desperately said.

Scarlett, not sure she had heard him right, stared at him incredulously.

"I love you, Scarlett. I have loved you for years, my dearest. It is strange loving two women isn't it? I loved Melanie for her gentility and heart." His voice cracked. "As I loved you for your courage and spirit. Oftentimes I wished that both of you had been one woman."

Scarlett knew she should have raged and found what Ashley was saying offensive. The selfishness of what he was saying was evident. Always thinking of himself and his dreams.

"But, Ashley I'm married," she said, her face shocked and outraged. Her mind swirled with shock and she could scarcely think past her pounding heart and head.

"When I think of how Captain Butler has hurt you, I can't stand it," Ashley raged, his voice filling with passion. "He abandoned you twice. And all the years he was unfaithful. Can't you see, darling he almost destroyed you? You could leave him and we…"

"No," she cut in, eyes blazing. "I won't leave, Rhett, Ashley. I love him."

Ashley rose to his feet, his face looking weary but a slight, hopeful smile on his face. Then he was kneeling before her and she was shocked. For years she had dreamt of this moment but now felt no satisfaction, not even vanity or pride.

He took her hands in his and began to speak: "You're the only dream that has never changed. That fire in your eyes has never left even as the world as we knew it was gone with the war. Leave Captain Butler and marry me, Scarlett. Melanie would have wanted us to be happy and Beau adores you."

Looking away, Scarlett sighed. Oh, to go through this bother of refusing Ashley. Not even did she linger on the thought of leaving Rhett and accepting the proposal. Gerald's words ringed in her ears that she would never in a million years be happy with Ashley. They were too different but she had a shot left to be happy with Rhett, incredibly happy.

She wouldn't loose that chance by turning to Ashley to make Rhett jealous. Those games would never work. And she couldn't spite Rhett for he had never cared for petty games. No, she couldn't leave Rhett and wouldn't let him go, even if it destroyed her.

Turning her eyes back to Ashley, she gently smiled to soften the blow of rejecting him. She was good practiced at refusing proposals. The only time it hadn't worked was with Rhett, but Ashley certainly wasn't Rhett. That was one thing she could never forget.

"Oh, Ashley," she said, with a smile. "You still love Melly. We could never make each other happy because we are too different and I love Rhett. I do love you, but you see-that is I…"

A sad smile came to his lips. Getting back on his feet, he looked down at her endearingly. "I see. I'm too late since you have it in your head to stay with Captain Butler… Do you really love him, Scarlett? You once told me you didn't. I could always see the sadness lurking in those green eyes."

"No, I love him," she said with finality in her voice. "I was incredibly unhappy, Ashley. Sometimes I still am when I think of the stupid, foolish things I did. And when I think of Melly and Bonnie…I miss them so."

After her confession, Ashley sat back down beside her and took her in his arms. There was no excitement or any close feeling to what had been. Only the warmth of friendship and a shoulder to rest on in her weariness and grief. Naturally, her body sank against his thin frame.

"How will we get on without her?" she asked, her voice muffled in his shoulder. "I took her for granted but I truly did love her…"

Before she had time to react, Ashley pulled slightly back so that his eyes met hers. The change in his eyes was evident as they went to her eyes and lips. Scarlett became paralyzed and couldn't move as his head lowered and his lips gently met hers.

For a brief moment, she let herself be kissed. No doubt Rhett was kissing Sally Bright and didn't care for her. At least Ashley cared and was here to comfort her but he wasn't Rhett. Yet, Rhett should have been the one holding her, kissing her and soothing away all the pain and fear, the hell they had went through since Bonnie and Melanie had died…

Ashley's lips weren't hard or firm like Rhett's. The way his lips moved against hers left her unmoved and she panicked as she realized that she was letting Ashley kiss her.

Jerking away, she saw his eyes were hazy with passion and felt sick to her stomach. The wine had made her take leave of her senses.

"You must get this ridiculous notion out of your head, Ashley Wilkes," she ordered. "I love Rhett, and t-this shan't happen again. You know I will always be there for Beau and you but not as a…"

"Wife," he sadly said. "I have lost my wife and I know no one can ever replace her but I had hoped…" Sighing, he got to his feet. "I guess we will forget about this…"

"Yes," she agreed nodding, relieved. "I'll show you out."

"No," he lightly interjected. "I want to remember you like this, not telling me good-bye and sending me away. But before I leave… the offer to become my wife still stands. If you should change your mind…"

"I won't," she bluntly said. Sometimes Ashley could be so melancholy. It had been one of the things she had loved about him. Just why she had, she didn't know. Wishing to appease him, she lightly touched his arm.

"You haven't gotten rid of me yet, Ashley Wilkes and you never shall. I will never say good-bye."

Giving her a quick and grateful kiss to her forehand, he turned and was gone. She watched him disappear and once he had she tiredly made her way to the settee and fell down with a heavy sigh.

My wife is gone Ashley had said. No one could ever replace Melanie in is heart as no one could ever replace Rhett. Scarlett wanted to hate him but couldn't find herself to do so. Ashley had lost Melly to death but she had lost Rhett, and it was a greater loss. It was a loss by Rhett's choice.

Rhett claimed to not want her and went out of his way to avoid her. Well, she wasn't going to cower in her house. Tomorrow, she knew what she would do. She would fulfill her promise to Melly and visit the mills, she was certain that they loosing profit since Ashley's math skills had never been good.

TBC