Chapter 37 - All the drugs in this world won't save her from herself

"I want my meds to be changed." Quinn said, wistfully. "They're not working. I'm feeling worse than have in a really really long time and it's gotten to point that it's scaring me. I'm done waiting for it to start working. I want new meds."

"Ms. Fabray while I'm glad to see you're willingly asking this because you want to get better, I'm afraid we can not change it yet. You're taking longer to get used to it because while you were under chemical restrains you weren't given this kind of medication. It was dangerous to mix it with the sedatives. So it's natural that your body bounced back to your illness in full-force. But we can not change your medications again in such short period of time. That would be prejudicial to your health." The doctor explained, but never looked at her. She could see him scrolling on his laptop, and she was almost certain she could see the reflection of a Facebook feed in his eyes.

"You don't understand." Quinn stated, closing the laptop on top of the doctor's hand to make sure he would look at her. "I'm not taking those anymore. They're making me feel awful. So you either change it, or conform with the fact that I won't be taking any medicines at all. Simple as that."

"No, Ms. Fabray. You don't understand." The doctor said, ironically laughing. "You don't boss anyone around in here. You don't get all your wishes granted. We take what you ask in consideration, but this is a hospital and here what matters to us is your health, and not your wishes. You either take your medications like you're supposed to, or you will be back under chemical restrains. Simple as that." He finished, pausedly.

Quinn felt the rage boiling up inside of her. Her only wish at that moment was to be allowed to crawl over that table and jump on to the doctor's face. Suffocation sounds like a horrible way of dying. She didn't have such strong hands, but she was sure that under such adrenaline they would be strong enough to block his airways.

But then, she thought of Rachel. Rachel didn't deserve to have to go visit her in jail. And again, she stated how easier things would be if she just didn't love Rachel that much. For her, jail or a hospital wouldn't be that much different.

Quinn walked back to their room taking deep breaths. She knew she had to calm down before getting in, or else she would be too likely to take her all rage out on Rachel, even though Rachel had nothing to do with it. All she needed was to lay down and have Rachel cuddle her and tell her everything would be okay. Like she had done essentially every night for the last days. Rachel would never say so, but Quinn knew she was getting tired of it.

Once Quinn felt calm enough to get inside the room, she was surprised to find out Rachel wasn't there. She looked over at the desk, where Rachel usually left little notes to let Quinn know where she was, but this time there were none. Quinn freaked out inside. Her mind went straight into the worst case scenario, and she had the feeling that this time it was it. Rachel had gotten tired of it and left her.

Quinn knew she could go outside and ask a nurse if anything had happened. She also knew she could go out looking for Rachel to see where she was. But suddenly, her body weighted too much. Leaning against the wall, she let herself slide all the way to the ground and sat there. She was numb and oh, so empty. She didn't know for sure how long she was there for, because she couldn't feel time passing. All she felt was her tears washing over her face and wetting the spots where it fell.

It was a weird feeling, frankly. It had not been her first time, but it was weird nonetheless. She knew the world kept going around her, but she couldn't see it. It felt like everything had frozen, and her mind evaporated. It was relieving to not keep going back and forth on scenarios of what could have happened, but it was terrifying to not feel as if your brain had stopped working completely. To not hear your own voice inside your head.

Like magic, she was taken back from her trance the second Rachel opened the door. Her silently cry became a loud wailing between sobs, and she saw Rachel rushing to her side and kneeling on the floor next to her. Rachel was talking, but again, she couldn't listen. It took a good time until she was able to read Rachel's lips and realize she was asking what happened. How she dared to ask such thing baffled Quinn. It was quite obvious for her, and she didn't believe Rachel couldn't see it.

"Where the fuck were you?" Quinn yelled between weeps. Rachel was taken back by the cursing and frowned lightly before deciding to drop it given the condition Quinn was found in.

"Please, don't yell." Rachel said calmly, sitting on her knees and placing her hands carefully on top of them. "I went to the music room with Joel. He had never been there and asked me to walk him."

"Oh!" Quinn gasped ironically, but respected Rachel's request and kept her voice lower. "Just that, huh? And you couldn't tell me? You had to leave me here thinking you had fucking run away." Said Quinn, making Rachel's frown grow deeper.

"I'm sorry. It wasn't anything planned, he just showed up and asked if I could take him there. I didn't mean to take so long. I'm sorry you came back right in that interval of time and was scared. I didn't mean to set you off." Rachel asked carefully, keeping her hands on her knees. Quinn had been realizing that whenever she was acting nervously, Rachel would avoid touching her. She noticed Rachel was scared of what she could do once she was touched, and it broke her heart to see Rachel afraid of her.

"You could have just left a note, Rachel! I know you don't wanna be around because I'm being difficult and a pain in the ass and it's okay. Really. I don't mind you being away all day. I understand you. All I'm asking is that you let me know!" Quinn pleaded hurtfully, and Rachel shook her head with a deep sigh.

"Quinn, you know that's not true. Don't you realize what I just told you that happened today? I was able to leave the room without having to plan it beforehand. I didn't have to worry about it three days before actually doing it. I just left. And this, is me getting better. You should be happy for me! I'm not leaving the room because I'm running away from you, baby! I'm leaving because I am able to, and it's enthralling! I haven't been able to do that for almost two years! Why can't you acknowledge that and be happy for me?" Rachel asked in a whisper, hiding her face in her hands. Quinn could see exhaustion in her eyes.

"God, I feel like we keep getting in the same argument over and over. It's always the same damn thing." Quinn cried out. Crying in front of Rachel had stopped being a problem a long time ago by now, and had in fact become a habit. Honestly, she could count on one hand how many times they had talked to more than five minutes without one of them ending up on the verge of tears on the last days.

"That's because that's exactly what's happening, Quinn. What you don't understand is that I'm trying to get better for you. I want to be a better person so that I can be better to you and so that we can live the life we've always wanted. You know, the beach house and watching sunsets. But I can't do that if I'm too scared to leave the house. I wanna be perfect for you! And you keep guilt-tripping me for that!" Rachel said, and Quinn was surprised to see her voice raising just slightly by the end of the sentence. Clearly, she had been holding her own feelings for too long for Quinn's sake.

"Rachel, I don't expect you to be perfect! Perfection is not something I'm looking for! I know you will have your problems from your past, and I'll have mine too. And we will live with them and we will be okay! You are not perfect, but you're all I want..." Quinn sighed, wiping her tear away and taking a deep breath. It was overwhelming to think that Rachel was pushing herself just to make Quinn happy, and even still, she couldn't be. "You don't have to be perfect. All you have to do is be here."

"Quinn, you don't have to be scared. God, you're terrified of this. And there's no reason for it! Did I ever imply I could leave you? I have said repeatedly that I am here forever, and you keep thinking I'm leaving. The fact that I'm getting better doesn't mean I'm leaving you. You need to believe me in this!" Rachel said, looking deep in her eyes. Their eyes had always had a connection and said much more than the words could say. So when Quinn found them unreadable, she sinked.

"Yeah. I'm scared." Quinn admitted, with a small nod. "I'm panicking, actually. Because I used to look in your eyes and be sure everything would be okay. You gave me hope because you were just so sure we would make it out of here. But I feel like you've given up on me. Now I look into your eyes and I feel like you only pity me because I can't keep myself together. You're not helping me anymore, and it's all because you chose to follow the doctors advice and get better on your own instead of trying to get better together."

"I can't save you, Quinn. I'm not that strong. I won't be your cure. I'm sorry if I ever let you think that." Rachel apologized, wiping the tears from her own cheeks with her sleeve. "I don't think you're done, Quinn. I think you still have a long way to go, but no one is damaged beyond repair. I can't help you but I'm here. And I'll be here loving you and supporting you while you save yourself. And I hope that's enough for you." Rachel said so softly that Quinn felt tingles in her stomach. It infuriated her that even during moments like those, Rachel still had such effect on her.

"Do you even love me, though? Do you still love me?" Quinn asked hopelessly. She looked up to Rachel shyly, and she never felt so small and vulnerable. She was handing her heart out to Rachel and giving her the knife. All she had to do was stab it. And still, somehow, she knew Rachel wouldn't. She couldn't figure out what hurt more.

"Who did this to you? Who changed what you believed in, Quinn?" Rachel asked perplexed. "I always loved you. And I always will! You can doubt anything in this world. You can question my every action. But you can't ever think I don't love you."

"Then why are you scared of touching me?" Quinn asked, and her voice faltered. Rachel frowned and shook her head lightly, as if she had no idea what Quinn was talking about. Quinn jerked her head towards Rachel's immovable hands resting on her own knees, and Rachel's mouth fell opened for a second. She didn't have an answer, and in that very moment, Quinn felt her slipping away.

"I didn't think you wanted to be touched. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." Rachel answered with a small shrug, and Quinn knew it was the most generic excuse Rachel could come up for. But she was tired. She was tired of fighting, and she couldn't take it anymore.

"I need you to remind me." Quinn pleaded, licking her lips. "Remind me what it feels like to love and be loved. Because this – any of this - doesn't feel right anymore."

She had to speak no more. Rachel tackled her in a deep, passionate kiss. A kiss different than the soft pecks they were exchanging on the last days. It was the kind of kiss that a couple weeks ago would have make her legs turn to jelly and her heart to race. But today, nothing happened. She couldn't deny how soft Rachel's lips were, and how nice it was of her for trying so hard. But it lacked the magic that was once there.

Rachel's hand roamed aimlessly all over her body, and she didn't even realized she was shirtless until a cold breeze made her shiver. Rachel smiled into the kiss, and Quinn would never have the guts to tell her she wasn't the reason for said shiver. Quinn took a deep, shaky breath and released the weight of her body until she found herself laying on the floor. Rachel's fingertips running through her body felt like small needles pinching her - but this time she didn't enjoy the pain.

When Rachel's lips found a nipple, Quinn cried out. Although she couldn't feel anything inside, her body would still react. Her nipples became painfully hard, and she hoped Rachel wouldn't realize the tear that slipped from the corner of her eye when Rachel flickered a nipple with her tongue. She could have stopped Rachel right there. She knew Rachel wouldn't blame her. But she needed to feel something, and she hoped that if she pushed her body enough, it would get to the tipping point and she would break letting all the feelings come up again.

Quinn felt like time passed differently for her. She couldn't tell if it had been one minute or one hour when Rachel finally let go of her nipple and started to trail wet kisses down her stomach. Rachel dropped a longer kiss right on the scar in Quinn's ribs, and Quinn felt it sting. She dug her nails strongly against her leg, trying to take the pain somewhere else, but it didn't work. She knew nothing would hurt more than her insides.

Rachel took Quinn's shorts off, and Quinn was relieved to notice she managed to be wet even though she didn't feel in the mood for it. She didn't want Rachel to see how she was struggling with herself, so she left a shy moan once Rachel's finger dipped inside of her. She rocked her hips and with every thrust she hoped the pressure would start building up inside of her. But it didn't. And Rachel tried harder. She thrusted her fingers deeper, and kissed her even more softer.

Wanting to die didn't cover how Quinn felt. She couldn't let Rachel down when all Rachel was trying to do was to proof she loved her. So she forced her breath to become heavier. She panted and moaned higher. And when Rachel thrusted once more, she growled and released her body weight with a deep sigh. If anyone had ever told her she would fake it with Rachel Berry, she would have called them crazy. Rachel once had been able to get her climbing through the walls with just a look.

Her mind flashed her with memories of one of her last days outside, when it was 2am and she couldn't stop the blood that ran out of her wrists. And she realized that how she felt there, wasn't even a shred of how absurdly bad she was feeling at the moment.