A/N: I know it's been far too long since I've updated and I want to apologize for that! I've been so busy at work and have been traveling around the country two weeks out of every month so I haven't had much time to review and edit the future chapters. But never fear, I am updating now! So I'll stop rambling here because frankly, you don't care and that way you can just get on to reading.
Disclaimer: The lovely J.K. Rowling owns 99.9% of this story. If you recognize it, it's hers. If you don't...you clearly haven't read Tears on the Balcony or Kisses on the Balcony because you should recognize these characters by now.
Goodbyes on the Balcony
By ByeByeBirdie
Chapter 37: Of Memories, Promises, & Sponge Baths
++LILY++
As my eyes adjusted to the light, I could feel my head throbbing in unbearable pain. I wanted to believe it was because of the attack, but a part of me knew it was because James Potter just said he loved me.
I was confused. I was shocked. I was hurt. But most of all, I was angry.
"Lily!"
I was shaken from my revelry at the relief in Kay's voice.
She practically rushed over to me, a mixture of concern and glee in her expression. "Are you feeling alright? When did you wake up? How's your head? Can I get you anything? Do you remember what happened? Are you-"
"Kay," I interrupted, blinking twice as I continued to regain my bearings. My head was screaming, my eyes were still trying to focus, my body was stiff, and all I could think about was James. James fucking Potter. "I-I literally woke up like two minutes ago and have no idea what's going on. Give me a second before you play twenty questions with me."
She cringed guiltily. "Well, at least you know who I am."
I didn't even bother to crack a smile as I attempted to piece together the events of the night. I remembered Sirius knocking on my door saying he was mad at James about something. I remembered walking out the apartment door. I even slightly remember being caught off-guard by a few Death Eaters and that there was some attack but the rest of the memories were a hazy jumble of hexes and shouts and cliffs but not concrete enough for me to really know what had happened. "What…what happened?" I asked.
She frowned. "I-I'm not sure I should be the one to tell you."
"Kay."
She hesitated before taking a seat in the chair that perched beside my bed. "You were attacked by Death Eaters tonight, Lily. Six to be exact."
That didn't exactly explain anything but I merely sighed, glancing up towards the ceiling pensively. How was it possible that only Sirius and myself could fend off six—oh shit. I froze fearfully, slowly glancing back down towards Kay. "Is...is Sirius alright?"
She nodded. "Just some slight bruising and a tiny bit of swelling in his head. Nothing that a few potions can't cure."
I nodded my recognition as I tried to strain myself to remember more of the evening. But I came up blank. Once again, it was James that popped into my head. "Can I ask you to do something for me, Kay?" I said softly.
"Of course. Anything."
I felt my heart begin to race as I spoke with feigned determination, "Send James in, please."
Her body stiffened as she gazed at me in surprise. "Lily…" she said softly.
"I know he's out there. And I know you probably need to send some Healers in or whatnot. But…please. I need to speak to him."
She frowned. "What about Shane?"
I shot her a look. "I'm not asking you to send in James so I can profess my undying love to him, Kay," I said coolly. "There's something I have to say to him. Something he needs to hear. And before you ask, yes, I need to do it now."
"I-I really should go get Healer Rob-"
"If I die in the next ten minutes before you're able to get a Healer in here, you can blame James."
She gave me a look. "That isn't helping your case any."
"Kay, please," I begged. "Send James in."
It was pretty clear she thought it was a horrible idea but it wasn't as if she could deny the wish of someone who was just in a coma for quite some time. She slowly headed towards the door. "I'll give you five minutes. But then I'm sending in Healer Robards."
"Fine."
I sighed as she walked out of the room, trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say to James when he came in. I didn't have much time to ponder over my words for the door was opening up less than a minute later.
"Lily," he breathed, the relief in his expression discernible. "I'm so glad you're okay and that you requested to see me. There's something that I have to-"
"Who do you think you are?" I snapped, not bothering to let him finish his sentence.
Confusion clouded his expression. "Er…what?"
"Y'know, I thought I've seen it all from you," I continued, seething uncontrollably. "You dared to look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't love me anymore. You dared to knowingly leave me completely heartbroken. You dared to hurt me in the worst way possible. But then you have the audacity to sit at my bedside as I waver between life and death and announce that once again you love me and need me?!" The anger in my voice was unmistakable.
His face turned white as he realized I had heard him.
"Love is supposed to be unconditional, James Potter!" I snapped, my words caught between fury and despair. "You don't get to choose when to love me! You don't get to decide when to love me based off when it's convenient for you! You don't get to love me as a last resort because you think I'm on my deathbed! No. You had your chance and…and you lost me. Whether it was something I did or it was your own fear blocking you from loving me at the time, you…you stopped…" I trailed off, the words catching in my throat. My bottom lip trembled as I thought back to the night of our Anniversary. To the worst five words I had ever been on the receiving end of. To James Potter breaking my heart.
"Lily, please," he whispered desperately, his head hanging in shame. "You have to understand that I never once-"
"No, I don't have to understand anything," I interrupted, attempting to glare at him. I'm sure it just came out as helplessness however. "I don't want to understand. I don't care why you said what you did. Now or then. I don't even care anymore what it was that led to you to fall out of love with me anymore. All I care about is getting you out of my life for good. Please."
"Lily-"
"What did you expect me to do with this information that…that you suddenly love me again? Fall at your feet and take you back? And then what? Wait another four years until you realize you don't love me anymore? Do you really think that's how I want to live my life? Waiting for you to make up your bloody mind?"
"Lils, please just-"
"Don't Lils me," I snapped, my bottom lip trembling. I tried to catch my breath from my irate rant as I slowly met his gaze, the utter distress in my expression more than prominent. I didn't say anything immediately, too heartbroken and confused to even form the words that needed to be said. As my heart began to regain a sense of calm composure, I said softly, my voice barely above an audible whisper, "You told me you that you didn't love me anymore, James. And you can't take that back. Just because I'm lying in this bed doesn't mean anything has changed. Nothing you do or say will ever change what you said to me."
His face fell in one fail swoop. "I'm…I'm so sorry, Lily," he whispered, the words sounding so hollow.
It was as if my heart was literally being ripped from my chest. "No you're not," I whispered, shaking my head. "You're not sorry. If you were truly sorry you never would have done what you did. You don't get to feel remorseful now. You should have felt that way before you ever-"
"I did," he interrupted, shaking his head. "You think I enjoyed doing that? You think that that was a proud moment for me? You think I don't realize how much I hurt you? You think that I-"
"Well then I think you're the biggest jackass in the world for knowing you'd hurt me and for doing it anyway."
"Lils, I-"
"I said don't call me that!"
He clamped his mouth shut guiltily, the desperation in his eyes saying it all. I knew that I, too, had desperation seeping from my expression, but the emotions held two completely different weights. I couldn't tell you exactly why he felt so desperate (although once upon a time I probably would have been able to) but I didn't even care anymore. It was as if I barely knew the guy standing in front of me anymore. But I realized for the first time since our break up that I didn't want to know him anymore.
"You deserve to know the truth, Lily," he whispered.
I glared at him. "Do you even know the truth?" I snapped.
"Lily-"
"Because I have to say, it doesn't seem like you do," I murmured, slumping down against the pillow with a sigh. "You say one thing one minute and the next, you're changing your mind. I can't do this anymore, James. I-I can't just wait around for you to figure out what it is you're thinking or feeling."
"You don't have to wait around anymore," he urged pleadingly, shaking his head. "I know what I-"
"You're right, I don't," I whispered, my voice strained with angst. "Because I refuse to do so."
He blinked. "No, that's not-"
"Please, James, just…just get out," I begged in a shaky whisper. "Please. I-I can't do this with you anymore. I-I can't be around you after all that's happened. I just…I can't."
"Lily-"
"Please, James," I whispered pleadingly, blinking away the onset of tears."Just…just stop sneaking back into my life like you keep managing to do. I can't be around you anymore. I just want out. I want you out."
He looked so broken and desperate but I didn't care. I meant what I said. I wanted out. I wanted to stop thinking about him and wondering about what went wrong. I was with Shane now. I didn't need anything to do with James anymore. He was my past. It was about time I started focusing on my future.
"Please," I whispered hoarsely, ignoring the tears welling up in my eyes. "Please just go. I-I don't want you in my life anymore."
Without another word, he turned around and fled the room. And that's when the tears came tumbling out.
++JAMES++
I should have told her the truth. I should have told her I never stopped loving her. I should have said I did what I thought I had to do to protect her. I should have made her hear me out. I should have fought harder. But none of it would have mattered. She had made up her mind and anything I had to say wouldn't be able to change what I did.
I don't know if telling her the truth would have made things worse but I knew deep down in my heart that there was no way it would have made any of it better. The lines had been drawn between us and it was about time I stopped trying to straddle that line. She was moving on. So I had to, too. There was nothing I could say that would win her back. There was nothing I could say to change the past. I had betrayed her. I had betrayed us. The very foundation of our relationship had been shattered by five words and that foundation couldn't be pieced back together just because I realized too late that I wanted it to. I couldn't have her back. That much was evident. No matter how much I wished I could take back what I had said to her, I couldn't. No matter how much I wished I could have her back in my life, I couldn't. I let her go. So now it was time I let go of us. If she truly wanted me out of her life then I was finally just going to give her what she wanted. It was the least I could do after everything that I had put her through.
It really was over.
If her heart felt as broken as mine did in that moment, maybe she truly was better without me.
++RILEY++
Based on the scathing looks everyone was giving me, I had a pretty good feeling they all thought it was out of line for me to be there in the waiting room caring about two people I had thoughtlessly discarded four years earlier. And they would probably be right. But Lance practically begged me to come along. He said he didn't want to be alone and that he knew I cared enough about Lily and Sirius that I wanted to be in that waiting room to hear the news, whether good or bad. And damnit, he was right. While Sirius and I had agreed (well, he agreed) to go our separate ways, Lily and I had hung out several times since she found out about my return. So in my heart, I felt as if I had a right to be there waiting to find out Lily's fate.
Didn't make dealing with those scathing looks any easier.
I had been in the cafeteria grabbing hot cocoa for myself and my brother when Lily had woken up and apparently requested James' presence so I had no clue what the reaction was but when I returned to the waiting area, the surprised tension was undeniable. The odd part was that the only person that didn't look surprised or tense was Shane.
It was very nostalgic seeing Shane for the first time in five years. Under the circumstances, he looked rather calm. He had barely aged in five years, still looking like his handsome self. Glancing at him, an unexpected Hogwarts memory went flashing through my mind.
Fifteen-year-olds Riley and Kay were lounging around in the Gryffindor common room, their books strewn in front of them as they gave off the impression they were studying. In actuality, they were flipping through the latest Witch Weekly and gossiping about the cute boys in the school. A topic they often discussed during their free time.
"Would you ever date Sirius?" Kay giggled.
Riley blushed, rolling her eyes at her friend. "You ask that question nearly every day, Kay. He and I are just friends."
"I don't see why. You have to admit he's incredibly good-looking."
"So? I'm allowed to be friends with good-looking people. Which I can understand you not thinking is possible with a friend like you."
"Hey!"
Riley grinned. "What about you? Any prospects?"
"Oh, right, because having gorgeous friends like you and Lily gives me even the slightest shot of guys looking my way."
"Why do you insist in always putting yourself down?" Riley sighed, shooting her a look as she flipped the page of Witch Weekly to the gossip columns.
Kay rolled her eyes. "We're not talking about me. We're talking about you and Sirius."
"We most definitely are not. If you want to discuss the Marauders, why don't we discuss the prospect of you and Remus?"
"What? Why? He and I are just friends. If that. We don't hang out much considering those Marauders are attached at the hip."
"I still have time to hang out with Sirius and James," Riley pointed out with a shrug. "And you can't deny that Remus has a soft spot for you."
"Why do you say that? Because we paired up in Transfiguration to do that project?" Kay snorted. "Oh, yeah, a real love connection we've got going."
"Oh, don't deny it."
"Just because you like to make out with any guy who comes up to you doesn't mean the rest of us do," Kay teased. "A boy and a girl can be friends without everyone thinking they're dating y'know."
"I'm friends with James, aren't I? The idea of anything going on with him makes me gag."
"Eh, it's his best friend you have a thing for."
"I don't have a thing for Sirius!"
"Now who's in denial?"
"I don't like you."
"I know. You like Si-"
"Don't say it!"
Kay grinned. "You know I'm righ-"
"Shh, they're coming over here!" Riley interrupted, shooting Kay a glare as the four boys sauntered into the common room and headed their way.
"Please tell me you've finished that Potions essay," Sirius pleaded, tumbling on to the couch in between Riley and Kay. Kay rolled her eyes as she attempted to make room for him.
"You're not copying off us again, Black," Kay groaned.
He hesitated, turning towards Riley. "Who's my bestest friend in the entire world?"
"I thought I was!" James cried out with a fake pout as he jokingly sat atop Riley's lap.
"There is an empty loveseat a foot away!" Riley whined. "Why do you two insist on being immature boys?"
James grinned, tussling Riley's hair much to her protest. "It's what we do best," he snickered.
"Geroff me, Potter, or I'll tell everyone how you used to run around in your underwear crying that you couldn't find your blankie!"
"So?" James snorted. "Every kid does that."
"You were nine!"
The group burst into laughter as James scowled, glaring at his best friend. "You play dirty," he muttered as he unwillingly slid off his best friend's lap on to the floor seeing as Remus had already taken hostage of the loveseat.
Riley rolled her eyes, swiping the essay out of Sirius' hands that he somehow got a hold off. "You always copy off of me, Sirius! And somehow you always do better. Not this time. Be productive and go find the library."
He blinked. "Does this school have one of those?"
Before any of them could retort, a well-known scowl could be heard entering the room. "Don't you guys have your own friends to torture?" Lily scoffed, crossing her arms into her usual irritable pose as she greeted the six of them.
"If by friends you mean Slytherins then yes," James retorted with a grin.
She glared at him. "Good-bye, Potter."
He glanced up at her with a quirked eyebrow. "Oh, are you going somewhere?"
"No, you are," she snapped. "I have news I would like to share with my friends. And you are most definitely not one of them."
"News, hm?" James replied in intrigue. "What, did you ace an exam? Narc someone out to McGonagall? Spent six hours in the library because you lost track of time? Did a professor compliment your brilliance? Did you tutor a first year? Take points off a kid for having too much fun? I hate to break it to you but that's not news-worthy information."
"You think that that's all my life consists of, Potter? Exams and studying and sucking up?" she snapped, the rage in her tone undeniable.
"And hating my guts."
"That's just a given," she sneered. "Hate to break it to you, but my life just got far more interesting. So kindly leave so I can inform my friends of that-"
"Oh, I'm sorry. You must have had a real breakthrough then," he said, a sly smile breaking out across his face. "Hm, let's see. Oh, did you finally discover this remarkable concept called the opposite sex?"
Lily blushed, a moment of fluster coming to her. "You…I…well, I'm surprised that concept hasn't been completely negated from my mind with you clambering around here."
"You're actually insinuating that the concept hasn't been negated from your mind?" James snorted. "Please, Evans. You're the biggest prude on the planet. You should just plan to join a convent when you graduate."
"Tell that to Shane Redford, Potter," Lily snapped, her eyes filling with rage. "Considering he's my boyfriend now."
The four Marauders went deafeningly silent (an impressive feat for them) as Riley and Kay let out excited squeals. "He asked you out!?" Kay exclaimed, her eyes lighting up.
Lily blushed, ignoring eye contact with the four stunned boys, and nodded. "Just now. We were doing rounds together and-"
"How cliché," James interrupted, his voice cold.
"How would you know?" Lily snapped. "You wouldn't know the duties of a prefect if it-"
"Pretty sure the duties of a prefect don't consist of snogging your coworkers," James cut her off again, turning to glance towards Remus. "Unless you're snogging LeAnn again and have neglected to inform us?"
"Er…please keep me out of this," Remus muttered, slumping down in the chair as he shared an apologetic look with Lily.
"How about I keep all of you out of it?" Lily scoffed, glaring pointedly at James. "Riley, Kay, let's go upstairs. I really have no desire to associate with the likes of Potter."
"You're no picnic either, Red," he snorted as Lily whirled around and stormed up the stairs.
As Riley and Kay exchanged a look and stood up, saying their goodbyes and following Lily out, Riley heard Sirius say to James, "Bad luck, mate. I'm sorry."
"Bad luck? What are you talking about?"
There was a long pause before Remus chimed in, "You can't deny you've been crushing on Evans, Prongs. It's-"
"I can deny it all I want because it's not true! The girl is a stuck-up Know-it-All. If you want to wish someone bad luck, it should be towards Shane. The guy has no idea what he's in for."
Another bout of silence before Sirius said, "So we're definitely going to be hexing Shane, right?"
"Oh absolutely. No one stands in my way of making Evans miserable."
Laughter filled the room as Riley wandered up the stairs and out of earshot.
As I was shaken back to reality I found it highly ironic that everything had come back around full circle as to the way it used to be ten years ago – Lily was angry with James, James was clearly pining over Lily, and Shane got the girl. I had a feeling that nothing good could come from any of that.
As the waiting room buzzed with relief that Lily had awoken, I found myself being drawn to Sirius' room. No good could come out of me going in to talk to him but apparently that didn't matter to me as I opened the door and entered his room.
When he glanced over at me, I could see such heavy burden weighing in his eyes. "What are you doing here?"
Good question. "Just wanted to see how you were doing, I guess," I said softly.
"No, I mean, what are you doing here in the hospital?"
Another good question. "Lance wanted me here."
"What is he doing here?" he muttered irritably.
I sighed. He was not making this easy, was he? "His friends were seriously injured, Sirius," I spoke evenly. "He still cares about all of you and he didn't have a second thought about whether or not to come. Not showing up was definitely not an option for him, Sirius. Just because you guys turned his back on him doesn't mean he plans on doing the same with you."
"He already turned his back on us, Riley," Sirius pointed out, his tone filled with bitterness. "The day he found out you returned and didn't bother to tell any of us."
I frowned. "You're never going to forgive him for that, are you?"
Sirius blinked, turning his gaze upon the window. He didn't respond immediately, the frown on his face full of cynicism. Eventually he spoke. "Him, I'll be able to forgive one day."
I didn't let the implication go unnoticed. But I never expected him to forgive me. "I'm glad you're alright," I said softly before turning around to head out.
"Any word on Lily?"
I froze at the door, turning back around to face him. "No one's told you?" I said in surprise.
His eyes locked with mine once again, panic setting in. "Told me what?" he whispered hoarsely.
I really didn't think I was the right person to be giving him any sort of news but seeing as he was probably filled with guilt and regret inside, I wasn't about to let him continue stewing. "She woke up. She's alive."
His eyes lit up in relief. "Really?" he whispered.
I nodded. "She's…she's in with James now."
Sirius froze. "She's what?"
I shrugged. "She wanted to talk to him."
He hesitated. "Wait, she wanted to talk to him?"
I nodded. "First thing she did when she woke up was ask for James."
"Aw, hell," he muttered, groaning inwardly. "What are those two playing at?"
"Good question."
He sighed, choosing not to respond. As my gaze fell upon him once again, I suddenly noticed how helpless he looked. As if the weight of the world's problems were resting on his shoulders and he was overwhelmed with unnecessary burden. There have been plenty of times in the past where Sirius had been overcome with such anxiety (when dealing with his family, when he and his friends parted ways at the end of fifth year, numerous times during our first break-up, the list goes on), but this took the cake. He looked as if he wanted to crawl into bed and sleep his pain away until he could be promised everything was going to be alright.
"You're both safe, Sirius," I found myself blurting out. "You couldn't have done anything else to save her or yourself. I know you did all that you could."
He was broken from his own thoughts as he briefly glanced up at me. "Don't try and make me feel better, Riley," he muttered. "Of all people, there's no way that you can do that."
It was like a dagger to the heart even though I should have expected it. I thought back to the times we shared as kids in Hogwarts when a single squeeze of the hand from me would cheer Sirius up. I thought back to the relationship we shared where just being by his side and offering him my shoulder was enough to lift his spirits if only for a brief time. We used to share so many intimate moments which all came crashing down around us in the second that I made the decision to leave the way I did. "You're right," I muttered. "I'm sorry I came here. Just know that I truly am glad you're okay."
Once again, I turned to walk out but he stopped me. "Wait, can I ask you a question?"
I glanced over my shoulder and nodded curiously.
"What's Victor Hans like?"
Of all the questions I thought he might ask, that didn't even make the list. "Er…what?"
He shrugged. "Is he a good guy?"
I had absolutely no idea why he was asking me that. I barely knew the guy. He and I focused on different departments at the Prophet so I didn't have much interaction with him. "Where the hell is this coming from?"
"Just answer the question."
I frowned hesitantly. "Uh…I guess he's okay. I don't know. Why are you asking about him?"
He shrugged again. "Just wondering."
"Do you…do you think he might have been one of the guys who attack-"
"Oh, Merlin, no," he interrupted, shaking his head. "This is a totally unrelated question."
I blinked. "So after nearly being killed and in the immediate aftermath of finding out your friend who could have died has awoken, the first question you want to ask is about one of the guys in my office? And I'm supposed to believe it's not related?"
"Merlin, it was just a question. If I knew you were going to throat a tantrum about it, I wouldn't have-"
"I'm not throwing a tantrum!" I pointed out, shrugging. "It's just a rather unexpected question."
He shrugged. "Well?"
"Well, what?"
"You never actually answered my question."
I couldn't help laugh at the absurdity of this conversation, something which Sirius scowled at. "I really don't know the guy very well, Sirius," I said in all honesty. "He can certainly come off cocky but my overall impression of him is he's okay. He's hard-working and would probably do anything for a story but he seems pretty decent most of the time. Can I ask again why you want to know?"
"No. But thanks."
I rolled my eyes. I would later find out the reason behind his questioning but in that moment, my mind was traveling down numerous paths of questions as to why Sirius Black would need to know anything about Victor Hans. "I guess you're welcome," I said with an amused smile. "I will…I guess I'll see you later."
He simply nodded as I slipped out of the room, thoughts of confusion swarming through my mind. As I turned the corner, I saw James inconspicuously slipping down the hallway towards the elevator. I could tell in an instant that something was seriously wrong with him. I don't know exactly what possessed me to do so, but I found myself going after James. As I exited the hospital, the brisk night winds hit my face in a blast of cold air.
"James," I said as I came up behind him.
He froze, glancing over his shoulder with a sigh. "Riles, I really don't want to talk to anyone right now," he muttered. He looked so broken, his face white and his eyes void of any feeling. I had no idea what had happened between he and Lily but it was obviously it hadn't gone well.
"That's fine. We don't have to talk," I said with a sympathetic smile, falling into step beside him as he headed down the street. "Let's just walk."
He glanced down at me warily but didn't say anything. I took that as a good sign. He could have apparated to where he needed to go but I could tell he desperately needed to clear his head. And so we walked. I couldn't tell you how long we wandered the streets, but the moon continued to rise in the dark night until it gleamed brightly above the both of us.
Hours passed. My feet grew tired and yet we continued to walk. It began to drizzle at one point, the rain catching in our hair and we still walked. At one point I glanced up towards James and saw dry tears stained on his cheeks. I didn't say anything. We merely continued to walk. I wanted to reach out and embrace him. I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay. But I knew firsthand that things weren't always going to be okay. In fact, some things would never be okay. This was one of those times. So I reached for his hand, sometime as the sun began to peek out, and squeezed it. And that's when we stopped walking. He turned to me and said, "You promised me you'd come back, Riley."
I froze, glancing up at him in shock. I didn't have to ask what he was talking about. I recalled the conversation like it was just yesterday. The conversation we had shared our last night at Hogwarts. It was a conversation I had replayed in my mind over and over again during the last four years.
"Riley?"
She stirred, startled by the break up silence, and glanced up at James. "Hm?"
"Promise me something."
There was a hint of uncertainty in his voice that made Riley curious. "Anything."
He turned away from her gaze, sighing. "Promise me that you'll come back."
She whirled her head around to glance at him, shocked and puzzled. "Why wouldn't I come back?"
He shrugged. "Just…just promise me."
She frowned, resting her head on his shoulder. "Of course I'll come back, James. I-I promise."
I looked up at him, a frown resting on my face. "I…I did come back."
He frowned and started walking away. "You should have come back three years ago," he muttered, rushing down the street.
I quickly followed him, grabbing his arm and stopping him. "I know," I agreed, nodding guiltily. "I know I screwed up, James. I know I let you down. I know it was wrong and I have to live with that. But, James, do you remember what you promised me that same night?"
Blinking, he slowly met my gaze and I saw the reluctant realization staring back at me.
"Now, promise me something," Riley said hesitantly.
James cracked a smile. "Anything."
She swallowed hard and slowly twister her head upward, locking eyes with him. "Promise me you'll always be my best friend."
He froze, his heart skipping a beat before increasing rapidly. There was a waver in her voice, one that made him nervous, but the determination in his eyes forced a sullen smile on James' face. He kissed the top of her head and whispered, "Always."
We both stood on that street corner, him staring at me with sad eyes and me staring at him with guilty ones. Neither of us said anything, letting the memory of that night sink into our psyche and provide us with a sad sort of comfort. Finally, James spoke. "You broke your promise first."
"That doesn't mean you have to break yours," I whispered. I knew I sounded desperate but we had been hanging out recently and it made me selfishly how much I had missed him. I know that was my fault completely but if there was any way I could keep him in my life, I was going to take it.
His bottom lip trembled as he looked down at me. "I need you to promise me something, Riley, and I need you to keep that promise this time."
Slowly, I nodded.
He didn't speak immediately, turning away from my wide-eyed hopeful gaze. He stared at the cracks on the sidewalk, shuffling his feet awkwardly. I knew whatever he was about to ask wasn't going to be easy, so I let him take whatever time he needed. Eventually, he looked down at me and said, in the smallest voice possible without being completely inaudible, "Promise me you won't leave again, Riles, because I need you."
Those words meant more to me than I would have thought. After I left the way I did, I never thought I'd be able to return and have things go back to normal. But this was our chance to be best friends again. And I was grateful he was giving me that chance.
I reached out and embraced him, saying in all sincerity, "I promise I'm not going anywhere."
And I meant it.
++SHANE++
I wasn't surprised that Lily had requested James' presence when she first woke up. I should have been surprised but I wasn't. I was more surprised to find myself okay with it. It gave me a little more time to figure out exactly what I needed to say to Lily.
"Shane!" she greeted breathlessly, a relieved smile on her face as I walked through the door.
Dammit, this was going to be harder than I thought.
"Hey," I said, kissing her forehead as I glanced towards the Healer beside her who was still examining her. "She going to be alright?"
"She's going to make a full recovery," the Healer said with a confident smile. He finished fixing the bandages around the cuts and bruising on her arms and took a step back. "We're going to keep her here for another day or two just to keep a close eye on all of her injuries but for the extent of the attack she had to cope with, she's in excellent shape."
"Thank God," I said softly, mostly to myself. "She gave us quite a scare there for a while."
The Healer nodded, turning back to face Lily. "The mediwitches will be back in a few hours to monitor your condition. You'll receive more healing potions at that time."
"Can you try and make some potions that don't taste like dung?"
He chuckled, shrugging. "Healing equals pain."
"Gee, did you read that on a pillow somewhere?" Lily teased.
His grin grew as he nodded his farewell and headed out the door.
"I'm so glad you're here, Shane," she said softly, reaching for my hand.
She must have sensed me stiffen because she frowned and gazed up at me. I knew I wouldn't hide the regret in my eyes. "Shane, what's wrong?"
I didn't respond immediately, my heart beating a mile a minute as I realized the words that had to come out of my mouth.
"Shane?"
"You need to take the Philadelphia job," I blurted out.
Alright, maybe they should have come out better than that.
She retracted her hand slowly, frowning. "What are you talking about? I already told you that I didn't apply-"
"What you neglected to tell me," I interrupted with a sigh, "Was that moving to a new office was your idea, not Nyger's."
She froze, guilt resting in her eyes. "Nyger has a big mouth."
I sighed, sinking into the chair beside her bed. "Why didn't you just tell me the truth, Lily? What were you afraid of?"
"I didn't lie if that's what you're wondering," she corrected remorsefully. "I never said he came to me with the information. I simply said he had informed me of the position in Philadelphia. Which he did."
"After you asked about a transfer," I murmured.
"At the time it's what I thought I needed," she spoke, sitting upright to face me with a determined glint in her eyes. "Turns out I just needed you."
"Lily-"
"Let me need you, Shane," she whispered desperately.
It sounded so easy. All I had to do was ignore that voice in the back of my head telling me that Lily still had a lot of unfinished business with finding herself after a certain break-up with James. And her jumping into a relationship was me was not helping. All I had to do was ignore that nagging feeling, reach out and kiss her. All I had to do was live a lie.
Instead I said, "The day you told me about that open position you told me you had lost yourself. You said you lost so much that had made you the person that you were. Just because we started dating doesn't make any of that less true."
She frowned. "Maybe not, but at least now I have someone to help me figure out the person I can be."
I gazed at her. "You mean the person you can be without James."
Her lips pursed. "Well, yes," she admitted with a curt shrug. "But what do you expect, Shane? He was in my life for four years. My entire adult life was spent with him. And now I'm spending it with you. Why can't that be enough for you?"
"Because I know it's not enough for you," I croaked out, my bottom lip slowly beginning to tremble.
"Yes, it-"
"Lily," I cut her off, shaking my head. "There's a reason you asked Lunder about a transfer. I-I can't be exactly sure what that reason is, but I know that you do. And you can't just hide from those reasons behind me. They're there. They always will be. Whether you needed a fresh start or an excuse to escape the pain or the chance to move on from a life that had become too painful to live in any longer, these reasons are still very much in the forefront of your life. I'm glad I could be your distraction for a while, but I don't want to be just your distraction."
"You're not, Shane," she whispered helplessly.
"I am," I disputed, my voice shaking with vulnerability. "You told me that you had lost the sense of security and the ability to trust. You told me you lost passion and hope and the will to dream and you lost the only family you've ever been able to hold on to. You didn't give yourself enough time to find any of this before getting involved with me. I don't want to be the reason you lose yourself any further than you already have because of James."
She was staring at me, her eyes filled with overwhelming awe and adoration. "You…you remember that I said all that?"
I nodded slowly. "I remember everything you say, Lily."
She let out a desperate sigh. "Did you ever think that maybe you and I were meant to be together?" she croaked out. "That maybe this is our time to find happiness and comfort in the world by just being with each other? That maybe I can find my sense of security and my ability to trust with you. That maybe I regain passion and hope and the will to dream being in a relationship with a mean who clearly appreciates me. That maybe you can be that family I so desperately want to find?"
A slow frown spread across my face. She almost made it sound easy. Almost. "You are the most amazing woman, Lily Evans," I whispered, feeling the ache in my heart as it slowly began to tear, "And if you hadn't use the word 'maybe' at least five times then I would be saying yes to every single one of your questions."
Her bottom lip quivered. "But you're not."
I shook my head. "I can't, Lily," I spoke in a hoarse whisper. I reached out, running my fingers through her hair soothingly. She leaned into my touch with a sad moan. "Because I-I know that I want to be with you. Not maybe. I know I do. But you're still living in the world of maybe. And I can't live in that world with you."
She looked so desperate, so helpless at my every word. She didn't say anything and I knew it was probably because she had no argument.
I leaned over and kissed her cheek, letting my lips linger longer than anticipated. "I can't be with you until you get the chance to figure out who you are on your own," I whispered in her ear, slowly stand up to face her again. I saw the defeat in her eyes and knew she understood what I was saying even if she didn't want to. "And you can't do that with me by your side."
It was obvious as she gazed up at me that she had no excuses left in her. "Shane" was all she could say in a feeble attempt to defend herself.
I cautiously took a step back, the pain in my heart overwhelming as I watch the heartbreak cloud over her expression. "Go to Philadelphia," I said softly. "Find all of those things you thought you lost when you lost James. Discover what it is you want. And if you find that you want me, come find me. Because I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here for you."
She could only offer a curt nod as the tears began to blur her eyes. It broke my heart to watch her hurting but I knew that one day she'd truly appreciate that I had to let her go in order for her to find herself. Maybe not now. Probably not tomorrow. But one day she'd thank me.
I just hoped one day I'd be able to appreciate it instead of just kicking myself for letting the most amazing woman slip away from me.
++LILY++
I shouldn't have been surprised. I should have seen it coming. But I wanted so desperately to believe that good things could actually happen to me. Apparently I was wrong.
And the worst part was that even in the aftermath of my breakup, all I could think about was James fucking Potter.
"How's our patient doing?"
My eyes moved from the window to a grinning Kay. "Shane just broke up with me."
Her smiled faded immediately. "What?"
I shrugged. "You heard me."
"He broke up with you when you are lying in a hospital bed?" she spoke incredulously.
"It's not like that."
"Er...it kinda is."
I shook my head. "Please, just...forget I said anything."
She hesitated. "I-I thought you guys were happy together," she stated softly.
I frowned, my heart sinking into my chest. "It appeared that way, didn't it," I murmured.
Her confusion sank even further into her expression. "You weren't happy?" she asked, uncertain what I was trying to say.
I frowned hesitantly. "I thought I was," I admitted, "but…maybe I was just trying so hard to pretend that I could be that I let myself actually believe it."
She looked at me with a curious expression on her face. "Lily, are you still in love with James?"
The question threw me for a moment, it being so unexpectedly blunt.
Was I still in love with James?
It was a good question. One I wish I had an answer to.
I didn't respond, my thoughts unexpectedly floating back to the memory of our Hogwarts graduation when all of us had been so incredibly happy together, our strong friendships and our graduation from childhood into adventurous adulthood (or so we thought) being enough to put a smile on our faces. Unfortunately, we had no idea what the world had had in store for us back then. If we had, I couldn't be sure we would have been as happy as we had been on our graduation day. But in an odd way, it had been mildly refreshing to be naïve. I missed being naïve. It beat being cynical.
"Kay, do you ever have those moments where you wish you could back in time? To a day or a particular moment or even just a single minute of our past where our lives actually felt stable and happy and…and calm?"
Her curiosity faded into defeat. "I pretty much have those moments every minute of every day," she said softly.
I had a feeling she was thinking about Lance. "Am I still in love with James?" I repeated her question. "I wish I knew. I wish it was obvious one way or the other. I can sit here and pretend that I don't love him after what he did or I can pretend I do love him because he was in my life for so many years. But that's all it is. It's just…it's pretend. And maybe I'm tired of pretending."
"But…how do you stop?" Kay murmured and I could tell she was legitimately hoping for an answer.
I frowned. "When we stop living in the past," I muttered, providing the only answer I had.
She met my gaze with her own frown. Before she could question me further, I quickly continued. "There are so many times I find myself wanting desperately to be able to return to those days leading up to Riley's unexpected departure. We were all so young and in love. We were spontaneous and we lived our lives to the fullest. You couldn't hide the smiles from our faces. We were so damned happy, Kay. Sirius' uncle's cabin gave us the ability to stay young and carefree. I want to go back and spend hours in that hot tub. I want to play ridiculous games of Twister and laugh the entire time. I want to start food fights in the kitchen and play King of the Dock. I want to spend every waking minute with my friends as if the Real World isn't out there to kick our asses. I want to laugh and actually mean it," I whispered, the tears practically exploding in my eyelids. "Everything was so easy back then, Kay. Our friendships, relationships, life. It all made sense. It had meaning. We all meant something to each other. And now? It's all unraveling. Those friendships, relationships, and especially life are all deteriorating in front of our very eyes."
"Lily-"
I cut her off. "I really like Shane, Kay. I do. And I think I probably could have really fallen for him. But I think a large part of me jumped into that relationship because I wanted to find my young, carefree, naïve self again. I wanted to enjoy that honeymoon stage of the relationship where everything feels perfect and right. I wanted to be able to hold on to something if even just by a fingernail before I could watch my entire life slip away from me. Shane gave me hope. And for that, he made me happy. He made me believe that I could live in a world where this bloody war didn't define me."
"Lily, you don't have to let this-"
"But what now, Kay?" I whispered, the tears slowly spilling out. "I can't pretend anymore. All hope is gone. Being young and carefree and naïve is gone. All that's left is this hollow shell of a world that provides nothing but heartbreak and pain. What am I supposed to do with that now?"
Go to Philadelphia.
The thought hit me so hard that I had to catch my breath. Because I knew it was what I had to do even if the idea of leaving was one that brought so much overwhelming anxiety.
I ignored the truth of the matter as I glanced up towards Kay. I wasn't surprised to see the tears welling up in her own eyes. I had probably said the words that we've all been too afraid to think let alone speak aloud. That everything we had once known was no more. "At least we have each other," she whispered hoarsely. But the words felt empty and we both knew it.
I let out a deep sigh, swiping the tears underneath my eyes slowly. "I always thought that love was supposed to be unconditional. It…it should be, shouldn't it?" I didn't give her time to respond. "But it's not. In the end, it's just a hoax. There's a breaking point for everyone. A moment will come when someone has to decide if love is worth continuing on despite the unpredictable and arcane future. It doesn't matter how much you love somebody, it can't always be enough if both don't actually work for it. Love is only unconditional if you work every second of every day for it. But it seems that no one wants to work for it anymore. We're all far too inclined to let love die just as we let every other emotion we ever tried to feel die within us."
Kay looked so defeated and broken at the conclusion of my cynicism and I knew that just like me, a part of her hated me for saying those unfortunate yet accurate words aloud. I could see in her eyes now that she was definitely thinking about Lance. She sank into the chair beside my bed, the frown eminent on her face. "When did we all become such cynics?" she whispered.
"Probably right around the beginning of the war," I muttered almost immediately.
She glanced up at me, swiping the tears from her eyes as she attempted to regain a sense of composure. "If you had said all of this to me just a few weeks ago, I would have said you were wrong. I would have told you that love could transcend above all else no matter what the situation is. Turns out, I was the one who was wrong," she whispered, shaking her head slowly. "Love isn't unconditional. Not even a little bit. You were right. There is a breaking point. There shouldn't be. But there is. For everyone, there is. We all want to believe that love should always be enough. That it should always be worth it. That we all work hard to make sure our love is unconditional. But it's not that easy. Love is never easy. There are lies and manipulation and betrayal that keep all of us from wanting to work towards unconditional love. I've discovered that heartbreak is inevitable, Lily. For all of us. Even when we least expect it."
The words sounded so harsh and contemptuous against her tongue even though I had basically spoken the very same ones only seconds earlier. When I met her gaze, I saw for the first time in our entire friendship that Kay wasn't as resilient as she always pretended to be. She used to be one who picked us all up when we were feeling down. She used to be there with soothing words of optimism. But now she was the one feeling down and heartbroken and she had no idea how to handle it. "Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive Lance?" I blurted out, wanting to believe that Kay and Lance could be all of our last chance for optimism.
Her gaze turned into surprise. "Will you ever be able to forgive James?" she shot back with a knowing look.
I frowned. "That's not fair," I said softly. "Lance didn't look you in the eye and tell you that he didn't love you. James didn't just make some…some mistake. He stopped loving me, Kay. Even if just for a moment or a day or a week. Even if he does love me again or whatever, it doesn't change that for a moment in time, he stopped loving me. At least Lance has always been clear on his feelings towards you."
Kay gazed at me curiously. "What do you mean that he does love you again?"
I sighed, shaking my head. "It doesn't matter," I muttered, frustration building up inside of me at the mere reminder of earlier. "What matters is that Lance's actions at least have the ability to be forgiven. There's nothing to forgive James for. Lance made a mistake. James didn't. He just fell out of love with me."
"I don't know why everyone is so determined to rule his betrayal as some mistake," Kay spoke, her words dripping with bitterness. "He lied to me. For ten months. And not about something stupid or petty. About something that affected all of us in the worst way possible. And what's worse is he included her in decisions that had to do with me. With us. She was the one who told him to marry me. She was the one who helped pick out my bloody engagement ring! How the hell is that supposed-"
"Wait what?" I cried out. This was all news to me. She hadn't told me a thing about their break-up.
Her eyes filled with remorse as she shrugged feebly. "It wasn't just the lying, Lily," she spoke softly. "Or the secrets or the going behind my back. Which would be enough for anyone to break off an engagement. But the icing on the cake was the fact that he…" she trailed off, unable to finish the sentence as her eyes instinctively grazed over to her bare left ring finger. "Our entire engagement was tainted by her. How…how can I forgive him for that? Or her?"
I slowly nodded, realizing that I really knew nothing of their break up. I didn't realize how much Riley really influenced the end of Kay and Lance's relationship. And I felt slightly guilty for hanging out with Riley over the past few weeks when Kay harbored such ill-favored feelings towards her. "Oh, Kay. I'm…I'm so sorry," I whispered.
She met my gaze. "Yeah," she said softly. "Me, too."
Neither of us spoke, all of our thoughts and fears and insecurities laid out in the table in front of us. I was hurt, she was hurt, and all either of us wanted was to stop feeling such pain. I just prayed that a day would come that that would be possible.
Eventually, Kay turned to me with a strained smile. "Well, I think it's about time you got some sleep. It's pretty late."
Right. Like I'd be able to sleep after the night I've had.
++KAY++
My hand was on the door when I heard Lily call out after me. "Kay, one more question."
I glanced back at her. "Yeah?"
She hesitated, chewing surreptitiously on her bottom lip as she clearly pondered her next words carefully. "Do you believe that love could conquer all?"
I froze, a sudden flashback of a conversation I shared with Lance a few months prior suddenly springing to my mind.
"It's about time James realized that love can actually conquer all. If you let it," Lance said.
My heart skipped a beat at the adoration twinkling in his eyes. "You really think so?"
"I know so," he responded almost immediately, pressing his forehead to mine. "I know that no matter what is going on in my life or what's going on in the wizarding world, I can come home to you and suddenly everything can feel safe again. I love you so much, Kay."
My heart melted at the sincerity of his words. "Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to deserve someone like you," I murmured. "I look at James and Lily and see how fear controls their lives instead of the other way around and I watch Fabian and Keegan walk on eggshells around each other afraid to discuss the past or the future and I notice that it took six years for Frank to propose to Alice and…and I realize how lucky you and I are. I don't want to turn out like any of them."
"We won't," he reassured, propping himself up on his elbow curiously. "As long as we continue to believe that love can conquer all, we'll never end up like any of them."
"Promise?"
"Always," he whispered.
I slowly eased back into the present time, gazing back at Lily who was looking up at me with a curious expression on her face. I opened my mouth to tell her that clearly no, love can't conquer all. I wanted to tell her that no matter how safe I can feel in one moment, the next moment can shatter everything I've ever believed in. I was about to tell her that fear controls our life, not love. But I couldn't get the words out. And as I stared at Lily, I suddenly realized that I didn't believe any of that.
"I think that if we truly believe love can conquer all," I said softly, my words hitting myself like a ton of bricks, "Then yes, it can happen."
A frown slowly settled upon Lily's face. "I guess we're not true believers then," she muttered.
I felt a chill run down my spine as I repeated her words in my head. Have I really stopped being a believer?
I glanced up at her to say something, anything, but she had already turned towards the window.
I left her room more confused than ever.
++SIRIUS++
I hated hospitals. Everyone fussing over me force-feeding me nasty Potions and performing their brag-worthy infamous healing spells with the odor of Potions ingredients stinking up the air and my friends and family taking out the time of their precious schedules to stand over me while I lay helplessly in a hospital bed wearing some ridiculous hospital robes was not ideal to me.
Oh, and there was the fact that one of my best friends was clearly targeted by Voldemort and a fleet of Death Eaters and another attack on her was bound to happen soon.
Even flirting with the mediwitches couldn't make me feel better.
I was lying on my bed facing the window, unable to fall asleep. I couldn't tell you how late it was but everyone for the most part had been kicked out and sent home. Visiting hours had technically ended at midnight, but when you get my stubborn friends (and Riley) all in one room together, they could be rather persuasive. One of the mediwitches (a cute brunette by the name of Robyn) had actually mentioned to me while brewing the final touches on a disgusting potion to relieve the swelling in my head that being on shift when something happened to a Potter or a Gilmore or a Marauder or a friend of any of those was not entirely favored because they had to deal with endless badgering of questions and a waiting room full of panicked loved ones.
My eyes were fixated on the half moon when I heard the door to my room creak open. "I don't need a sponge bath, Robyn!" I groaned, only a hint of a teasing grin appearing on my face.
"Er…that's good, because I wasn't really planning on giving you one."
I whirled around immediately, shock resting in my eyes as I met the gaze of Keegan. "What…what are you doing here?" I stuttered out. "What time is it?"
"Almost three in the morning."
My brow furrowed. "Are you prone to sneaking into my room at odd hours of the night?"
She blinked. "Nah, I'm more used to sneaking out of it."
A slight attempt at a joke. It was a start. "What are you doing here at three in the morning, Rouge?" I sighed.
"I-I don't know. I was planning on slipping in just to see for myself that you were okay before slipping out. I was not expecting you to be awake," she muttered.
"Well, I am," I said with a curt shrug. "So I guess you're forced to talk to me."
She looked wary of that idea. "I'm glad you're alright."
"Are you?"
"Excuse me?"
"You look like you want to be anywhere but here right now."
"Yeah, well…" she trailed off, shrugging awkwardly.
"Well what?" I urged.
"I-I don't know. I just heard about what happened with…with you and Lily and…uh…well, I'm here," she muttered awkwardly, biting down on her bottom lip nervously.
I blinked. "Well, Lily's in the next room over if you'd rather-"
"No, you misunderstood," she said, shaking her head. "I'm here. In your room."
She was clearly very uncomfortable. I went with a joke to ease the tension. "But not to give me a sponge bath?"
A smile briefly appeared on her face. "No," she said. "I don't do sponge baths."
"Too bad," I sighed overdramatically. "I'm suddenly feeling very dirty."
She tried to suppress a laugh with little success. "If you're making sexual innuendos, you're clearly fine," she said with a chuckle.
I smiled, too, not saying anything as I attempted to figure out exactly what she was doing there. "I thought you hated hospitals," I found myself blurting out.
She cringed. "I-I did. I mean, I do. I just…well…you were…" she dithered, a slight blush appearing on her cheeks.
I was struck with such gratitude at the intimacy of her gesture. "You're really here for me?"
Her bottom lip trembled as she took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. "Sirius," she whispered vulnerably, "The other day when I told you that you were a dead guy, I didn't actually mean for you to run off to Bellatrix for a fight."
It was a slight joke mixed in with true shame. It dawned on me what she was referring to and I sighed, giving her a look. "This isn't your fault, Rouge. Don't go thinking it is."
"I'm not, I'm just..." she trailed off.
"You hate hospitals," I pointed out softly, "and yet you're standing in my hospital room. So yeah, I'm thinking you're blaming yourself for this."
"Not blaming, just..." she trailed off once again.
I smiled at how cute she looked while clearly uncomfortable. "Feeling guilty?"
She looked me in the eye. "If you had died and the last words I spoke to you were about how you were a dead man in my eyes, I'm not so sure I would have been able to forgive myself."
"Again, this isn't your fault."
"I know that. And I know we have had our share of...er...troubles, I guess. But I don't want you dead. What would I do without all of your quips? Life would be a boring place without you, Black."
My smile grew slightly. "So you're…you're what? Here because no one else is good at making jokes? Here because you wanted to quarrel with me? Here because you were bored? I mean, we've already ruled out the idea that you're here to give me a sponge bath but you got to give me something to go off of."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm just...I...I don't know. I-I don't actually really know what I'm doing here," she admitted. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay. And clearly you are because you're making jokes about sponge baths. I'll just go now."
"No," I called out after her. "Don't go."
She hesitated in the doorway, turning around to face me. "I meant it, Black. I-I don't really know what I'm doing here," she repeated in a small voice. "Remus came by to tell me what had happened and…and I panicked. A kind of panic I'm not used to. A kind of panic I didn't feel when Fabian had been injured back in November. I just…I don't…you…and I…dammit, I have no idea what to say to you right now," she blurted out in a hoarse whisper.
"Just say it," I said softly.
"Say what?"
"Whatever you're so afraid of saying."
She frowned, slowly moving her gaze towards the window as a contemplative look appeared complacently on her face. "For the first time since Tristan died," she started softly, "I feel like I finally have someone who just…who just understands it all. Who just gets it. Who I don't have to explain my feelings to. Who doesn't ask me to explain." Her eyes attempted to peek over at me but it was clear she was fighting with herself to keep her gaze on the window.
"We're talking about me, right?" I teased to ease the uncomfortable tension she obviously was trying to ignore.
She cracked a smile, slowly taking a step into the room as she turned to look at me. "Yes, I'm talking about you," she chuckled, shrugging. "But…"
"No, don't say but," I groaned. "Go back to talking about how awesome I am."
"I never once said you were awesome. Just that you understood."
"Eh, I translated that to mean I was awesome."
She smiled. Which I took as a good sign. "I just came by to make sure that you were alright, Sirius. I know it's been awkward between us and I know we have both said some things we don't really mean but that doesn't mean I don't-" she stopped short, choking on her words.
"That you don't what?" I chided with a grin.
"Don't make me say it."
"You care about me, don't you?" I teased.
"No."
I smirked. "Yeah, you do."
"Oh, shut up," she whined.
"I know you do. You wouldn't be here if you didn't."
"Do you ever stop talking?"
"If I had known being attacked by Death Eaters would get you to realize you actually care, I would have done it ages ago."
She shot me a look.
"Er…on the other hand, if I had died I wouldn't have been able to find out that you actually care so maybe that wouldn't have been one of my better ideas."
"I'm suddenly wishing I chose to visit Lily's room instead."
I laughed and she couldn't help but join in, but her laughter quickly faded as she blurted out, "Sirius, I never really got the chance to tell you how sorry I was."
My eyebrow peaked. "For?"
Her smiled slowly faded, the regret in her eyes unmistakable. "For not telling you about Riley."
That was nowhere near what I thought she was going to say. I opened my mouth to question her motives behind keeping it a secret, but found myself rather indifferent about the whole situation. "Keegan," I said softly, curtly shrugging, "After what happened yesterday, I'm just…" I trailed off, trying to wrap my head around the words I was trying to say.
"Just what?"
I sighed, glancing back over at her to meet her eager gaze. "I'm just so over all of this, y'know?" I muttered, shrugging. "It's only February but this year has already been one hell of a rollercoaster. I'm done trying to make sense of any of it. Maybe it's time I just realize that I have no control over any of it."
She walked towards my bed, perching on the end of it with a curious glint in her eye. "What exactly is it?" she questioned.
I hesitated. "Drama. Heartbreak. Tragedy. The future," I murmured with a shrug. I locked eyes with her, desperation flushing to my cheeks. "Life," I said softly.
She didn't say anything immediately, our eyes not straying from one another's. Eventually, she spoke. "I think that's the hardest realization anyone could ever come to," she said in a half-whisper. "That…that the things that happen to us or to anyone are not due to anything we have done or haven't done. That we don't have any control over any of it. That things just-"
"Happen?" I finished.
Defeat cast a shadow over her face. "Yeah," she whispered. "And no matter how many what-ifs or what-could-have-beens we can replay in our head over and over, none of it is going to make a difference."
I looked at her curiously. "How long after Tristan died did it take you to realize this?"
She glanced at me timidly. "Well, Tristan died in March almost four years ago, so…three years and eleven months?"
I cracked a smile. "So basically about two minutes ago?"
She let out a deep sigh, nodding. "I want to believe that we have a hand in choosing our fate or even just changing it. But in the end, I don't think we do. That's why it's called fate."
"Tell that to James," I muttered, thinking about the unfortunate sacrifice he made in breaking up with Lily with the hope that Voldemort wouldn't go after her. Sadly, James broke her heart for apparently no reason seeing as Voldemort had attacked us last night.
"What? Why?"
I frowned. "Nothing," I murmured, shaking my head.
"Because of Lily?"
I glanced at her hesitantly. "Why do you say that?"
"I know what love looks like, Sirius," she said softly. "And I know that he is still head-over-heels in love with Lily. So I can't for the life of me figure out why he told her the opposite."
My lips pursed together almost immediately, knowing that as much as I oddly trusted Keegan, I couldn't tell her what was going through James' head. They were his own problems he had to deal with and I knew inviting Keegan into those problems wouldn't solve them. "Everything has just been so screwed up lately."
She blinked. "That didn't answer my question whatsoever."
"Er…you didn't ask a question."
"It was implied."
"I-I can't tell you, Rouge."
She sighed. "But there is a reason."
I didn't respond, merely giving her a look of what I can only assume was dripping with desperation.
She frowned. "You're a good friend to James, y'know that?"
"I could be a good friend to you, too."
She looked startled as she turned to look at me. "Friends, hm?"
I shrugged.
"We were never exactly friends, Sirius."
"Uh, yeah, because you chose to hate me from the onset for no good reason."
"I had a reason!"
"Not a good one."
She made a face. "Are you telling me that if someone out of the blue just entered your life who looked and acted just like Riley-"
"You mean besides the actual Riley?"
She hesitated. "Alright, bad correlation."
"Ya think?"
When I glanced up at her, there was a smile of pure amusement resting on her face. "I may have hated you in the beginning, but look at where we are now."
"In a hospital room," I snorted. "Oh yeah, we've come a long way."
She smacked my shoulder. "I didn't mean it literally."
"Ow," I whined, pouting. "I don't think you're supposed to hit an already injured man."
"It's quite difficult going five minutes without hitting you, injury or not."
"That might be the nicest compliment you've ever given me."
"Oh yeah, we're so on our way to being best friends."
"I never said best friends. Just the normal type of friends."
"Ah, right, that makes so much more sense then."
We met each other's eyes and suddenly the laughter was spilling from both of our mouths in uncontrollable spurts as if our slightly amusing conversation was actually the most hilarious thing either one of us had ever heard. I think in a way we both just needed a good laugh. To forget about all of the drama and heartbreak. To forget about why we were in that hospital. To forget about the past.
Once the laughter died down and I turned to look at Keegan, I couldn't help but wonder if we'd still be living in limbo with each other if I hadn't been attacked the night before. I was about to ask her this, when she smiled shyly and asked, "Are you allowed to be friends with someone you've seen naked numerous times?"
I smirked. "Of course. I'm friends with Kay, right?"
Her eyes bulged out in pure shock. "What?"
I grinned. "Totally kidding."
She scowled. "Can I go back to hating you?"
"Nah," I argued, nudging her with my toes. "Too late now."
"Too late? We decided to be friends like two minutes ago."
"And you clearly already adore me. It's hard not to. I'm definitely adorable."
She blinked. "Yeah, I'm definitely going to go back to hating you."
I laughed, shooting her a grin. "Well, alright, but first," I said hesitantly, gazing up at her with a curious smile, "How about that sponge bath?"
The sly smirk that appeared on her face should have given me the first hint that she wasn't going to let that slide. "You want a bath, hm?" she said with a teasing grin, standing up from the bed. She reached out for the water glass by my bed and before I could even attempt to stop her, she was pouring half a glass of water over my head. "There you go. All clean!"
I blinked as the water dripped down the side of my face. "Not exactly what I meant."
She merely smiled at me.
"So now that we're friends, can I ask you a friendly question?"
She gazed at me curiously. "Uh-oh. This can't be good."
I chuckled, shaking my head. "Nah, I just wanted to know what was going on between you and Victor."
She froze, glancing down at me hesitantly. "Why?"
I shrugged. "You deserve someone who's going to treat you right, Keegan," I said casually. "And from what you've told me about that coworker of yours, he's a bit of an arse."
She was clearly fighting between frowning and chuckling. She went with the latter. "I thought he was an arse. He probably still is. But in working an article together, we somehow just…came together totally unexpectedly."
"Kinda like you and I had?"
Panic crossed across her face. "Do you really think you and I could be friends, Sirius?" she asked in a soft voice.
I winced, throwing a forced smile on my face. "Friends talk about their relationships, right?"
"Can we start with something a little easier perhaps? Like how your day was?"
My eyebrow quirked almost immediately. "I'm in the hospital. How do you think it went?"
She cringed. "Alright, maybe not the best question to start with. How about something to do with work? How are plans for the Quidditch World Cup going?"
"You're not going to spin this into a story for that newspaper of yours, are you?"
She couldn't help but laugh. "Nah. Quidditch is quite boring if you ask me," she teased.
I smacked her with my pillow and we both laughed.
A/N: Hm, I have a feeling I'm going to get a lot of mixed reviews. Reasons to be pleased: Shane and Lily broke up, Keegan entered a hospital for Sirius, Sirius and Keegan are friends, Kay starts to question her breakup with Lance. Reasons to be annoyed: Just when James decides to tell Lily the truth she goes and makes him rethink his decision, Lily didn't hear anything from James except that he loved her and she's pissed over it, Lily thinks she needs to move away. I didn't put the Riley-Sirius or the Riley-James conversation in either of the categories because people seem to be really split on Riley. It seems that a lot of people are being hard on her while others want her to be forgiven. So in that case, I'm putting it in the "Reasons to be indifferent" pile.
So all that's really left to say is please review!