"You look divine," Blaine says later that evening, holding Kurt's chair out for him. "Smell divine too," he whispers, voice low as he kisses his cheek.
Kurt blushes, overjoyed to feel butterflies in his stomach once more and he keeps his eyes fixed on Blaine as he sits opposite.
"Is that a new shirt?"
"Um..yeah," Kurt says quietly, looking down at the white shirt with its delicate pattern of tiny purple flowers. "I made it this afternoon."
"You..." Blaine trails off, shaking his head in awe. "It's amazing. You look wonderful."
"You already said that," Kurt says with a gentle smile, reaching across for his hand. "Why are you nervous?"
"Because I want this to be perfect," Blaine sighs. "You know...our wedding seems so very far away now, and yet I remember it like it was yesterday. I hope it always stays that fresh in my mind. But it occurs to me that maybe I'm keeping it at the very forefront of my thoughts because...well because there haven't been many moments as perfect as that since."
"You're not happy?"
"I didn't say that," he counters evenly. "But we returned from honeymoon to deal with my dad and his stroke, then we were apart all summer and...I don't know, it just seems to have been a struggle, that's all. I guess life is like that, and we must take the rough with the smooth but...I prefer the smooth."
"I think everyone does," Kurt smiles. "But I'm hurt to hear you say those things. We have had good times. Europe was fun..."
"Oh it was, yes. And I suppose if I'm being honest the really tough times didn't start until we returned. We had the occasional disagreement before that but they were quickly resolved whereas recently...there's been this atmosphere that I don't care for at all."
"You mean recently as in...since I decided to make a real go of acting?"
"No," he shakes his head. "I mean since you decided to give it a go and I decided to immerse myself in the orchestra. I told you earlier, I haven't been there for you and I'm sorry."
"I doubt I'd have been listening anyway." Kurt smiles ruefully and they break away to order, gratefully sipping the wine when it arrives. "I'm listening now," he whispers, reaching for Blaine's hand once more. "Is that enough?"
Blaine nods fervently. "Yes. Because I know you want this to work as much as I do, and I know you're still in love with me. I want..no...I need for you to be happy, Kurt, because for the last six years all I've tried to do is make you happy, but I can't be in control of your destiny, Kurt. It's not down to me."
"I know," Kurt sighs. "I realized that long ago. But the thing is, I'm not so good at being in control of my own happiness."
"You are." Blaine leans on the table, resting his chin in the palm of his hand as they gaze at one another. "You just need to figure out if acting is making you happy."
"Do you think it is? Honest answer."
"No."
"I see." Kurt stares at the table for a moment, gathering his thoughts before looking back up. "I'm not ready to give it up."
"And that's perfectly fine," Blaine says, squeezing his fingers. "But you have to try and not get so worked up when things don't go your way. It makes me back away. I try not to, I try so hard to help you through whatever it is you're feeling, but ultimately there comes a point where I retreat into my own little world because I hear you saying stuff to me, hurtful comments, sniping about my work or my success and there's only so long I can keep telling myself that you don't mean it."
"I don't!"
"I know you don't," Blaine takes his hand and kisses the back of it softly. "But it's hard sometimes, that's all."
"I know. But you must realize it's hard for me, too."
"I do!" Blaine cries, a little louder than intended and he swiftly lowers his voice. "I do. Which is why I have strived to include you in my work ever since that trip to Austria."
"Then can we agree that we'll both try a little harder, and that we'll both always remember how much we're loved?"
"I think I'd like that a lot," Blaine grins.
The rest of their meal is a happy affair, and they leave the restaurant arm in arm for a walk along Navy Pier, stopping to reminisce over Kurt's proposal. By the time they arrive home they are giddy and flushed with love once more, with Blaine halting Kurt's key in the lock in order to pin him against the door and kiss him feverishly.
"I love you," he whispers against Kurt's lips, curved into a board smile. "I have a gift for you..."
"Tell me it's you, naked and spread out beneath me," Kurt breathes, moaning softly when he feels Blaine's fingers sliding under the hem of his shirt to trace lightly along the waistband of his pants.
"Two gifts, then," he chuckles darkly.
They head straight for the bedroom where Kurt perches on the edge of the bed while Blaine rummages through his chest of drawers, emerging triumphant. "So the first wedding anniversary is paper," he says shyly. "And after the hideous faux pas of Christmas, when you gave me a Stradivarius and I gave you yet more clothes, I wanted to get this right."
"It was not a faux pas," Kurt laughs, taking the box from him. "You knew I wanted a Versace suit, and I'd left my usual cuttings lying around so you would be sure to see them. And...oh my god!"
Kurt's eyes come to rest on a scrapbook, which Blaine has lovingly decorated the cover of with hundreds of tiny photos of them both together. Lifting the cover, his eyes fill with tears when he finds every single one of the letters Blaine had written when Kurt was in London, all bound neatly inside and preserved for a lifetime. He flicks through slowly, and then gasps again when he comes to the pages covered in post it's that Blaine had found in his absence. The book is only half filled, and Blaine shyly, nervously, offers an envelope to him.
"To open on our first wedding anniversary."
My dearest Kurt,
Well we've passed the first hurdle. Actually, we've passed lots of hurdles together, you and I, but what I mean to say is we've successfully navigated our way through the first year of marriage. It hasn't been all that easy really, has it? But I have to say, despite it all, I'm happier than ever.
I've been lucky enough to come home to you for the past four years, and I swear my heart still skips a beat whenever I step from the elevator and walk along the hallway. Your face, Kurt. Seeing your face every day makes me happier than you can ever know. You make me feel safe, happy...and loved.
To call you my husband makes me burst with pride every time, and I can't envisage a time when that doesn't happen. When I see that ring on your finger, or catch sight of mine- usually as I'm playing piano- it reminds me of the promise, the commitment we made to one another.
Kurt, I promise to love you faithfully until the end of time. I promise to always try my best to make you happy, to keep you safe, to defend you and to fight for you. I will always, always, treasure you, respect you and hold you dear to my heart. You are perfect for me, my one true love and I am all for you.
Those were my vows, spoken to you exactly one year ago. I'm not sure if I've upheld all of that to the best of my ability or not. I'd like to think so, but honestly? I've loved you faithfully, yes. I've treasured you and held you dear to my heart. But have I made you happy? I know when we're together- doing mundane things like making dinner or watching tv- we're happy. I know that thanksgiving, Christmas, Europe were all- for the most part- happy. But I think I should give more of me to you. I need to listen more, not kiss you on the cheek and tell you I'm going to rehearsal now but I'll talk with you later, and then forget because I come home to tell you all about Riccardo's antics instead.
Have I kept you safe? I've tried. I can at least say that. I provide for you financially, though you now provide for me too. I keep up with the bills, keep the car up together...but again, maybe I should have protected you more. But I guess you're an adult now- in the adult world- and I can't shield you from that forever. Actually, I think you do a better job at keeping me safe- New York is the best example of that. Defend you, fight for you... Well again, I guess I can't always be your knight in shining armor. I can't march up to an audition panel and demand they pick you so your feelings won't be hurt, that's just not practical and besides which, you'd kill me. But I do need to do more for you on a practical level. I know Joe told you to attend every audition going, and that's good advice to an extent, but I think we should discuss each one you get called for and decide if it's really worth it. You don't need the money, you're only doing this for your own self gratification, and sometimes I think taking a job just to try and feel good about yourself can actually end up making you feel worse.
Kurt, you are amazing. The most wonderful man I have ever, or will ever meet. Don't belittle yourself or do yourself down. Let me make you feel good about yourself. Let me help you. I'm sorry if I've let you down as your husband this last year, and I promise to do better and uphold those vows I made. But please know this...above it all, there is nowhere else I'd rather be.
Always yours,
Your husband, Blaine xxx
Kurt doesn't speak, just lets the piece of paper flutter to the floor. He watches it fall, not knowing what to feel. He can see Blaine's legs as he stands, nervously waiting for some reaction but his tears are too thick and fast to speak at first. The silence seems to stretch on until eventually he manages to find a voice. "How long have you been waiting to say all that?"
"A while. Couple of months, I guess," Blaine whispers with a small shrug. "I didn't know how, and then I decided to sit down and write you a letter for our anniversary and it all just came out."
"Because...I may not always say it, but I actually think you're a pretty awesome husband to have. The best, in fact. And it really upsets me to think that you feel that way about yourself, that you've not fulfilled your vows because to me, not only have you fulfilled them, you've bypassed all expectations I ever had."
"Oh."
"I'm just wondering," he says, still staring at Blaine's socked feet and not looking up, "why you continue to put up with me, because I have been less than easy to be around, and I've made you think you were a failure."
"You didn't make me think that, I thought that myself. And I put up with you for a number of reasons. You're twenty two. You're still growing up, for gods sake. It's a ridiculously young age to be so beholden to another person. Let's be honest here, if we were both your age we wouldn't be married yet. We might just about be engaged, but that's it. We wouldn't have lived together through college, and after you probably would have found your own place with some friends for a while, meaning whenever all the shit happened, I could have walked away and come back when everything was happy again. But I don't want that, but neither do I expect you to be able to successfully deal with all this and still be perfectly civil to me in the midst of it all.
The main reason I put up with you though, is because I love and adore you beyond measure."
Standing, Kurt goes to him, hugging him tight as they melt into one another's arms. "Same," he whispers into his ear. "Same. For always."
"I need you." Blaine nuzzles into his neck, hands coming up under Kurt's shirt to find soft, warm skin.
"We need each other," Kurt smiles sweetly. "Let's try and make it to clothes off this time, shall we?"
"If we don't then I'll cry," Blaine chuckles.
"Pull back the covers."
"Where's...?" Blaine starts as he notices their bears are missing, but when he pulls back the comforter he finds them underneath and laughs when he notices. "You made them wedding outfits!"
"Happy anniversary," Kurt smiles, real, open and honest as he notices how much Blaine likes them. "Exact replicas. And check their jacket pockets."
Tiny metal rings are tucked away inside each one, along with two small pieces of card with both sets of vows neatly printed on them. "To remind us," Kurt says, coming up behind Blaine and circling his arms around his waist. "Always."
"They're beautiful, but they're going to have to turn and face the wall now." Blaine carries the bears across the room, setting them in the armchair facing the corner. "It's clothes off time." He crowds Kurt backward until he yelps with surprise, feeling the door handle of the walk in closet pushing into his back. "Inside."
"In the closet?"
"In the closet."
"Pretty sure we came out years ago," Kurt quips, but he pulls the door open and steps inside, eager to learn of Blaine's plan.
They kiss for a long time, which Kurt doesn't mind one bit as he relaxes and becomes pliant in Blaine's arms, who seems happy to take control, removing Kurt's shirt in record time along with his own and groaning when their chests press together. "You're really turning me on," Kurt gasps when Blaine moves his lips to trail down his neck.
Blaine's voice comes hot and heavy in his ear, making him shudder with longing. "That's the general idea."
Kurt's hands slide eagerly down the back of his husbands pants, groping at his ass while Blaine bites, kisses and sucks his way across Kurt's chest before falling to his knees. "Oh yes, suck me," Kurt moans. "Please Blaine, suck me."
Blaine looks up, fumbling to open both their pants and slide Kurt's to the floor. "What my husband wants..." His mouth engulfs him, causing Kurt's hips to stutter and him to cry out, fingers breaking through the gel in Blaine's hair as he thrusts deep into Blaine's throat. "Fuck...sorry, sorry," he says when Blaine chokes, but he gallantly shakes his head and carries on, working his mouth and tongue over him in just the way he knows will make Kurt unravel quickly and he does, fucking Blaine's face hard and fast before Blaine pulls off suddenly to take his balls in his mouth. "Reckon you can go twice?" Blaine asks, his breathing ragged and desperate as he looks up at him "cause I really want to..."
"Anything. Do anything to me," Kurt begs. "I'll go as many times as you like just...don't stop."
"Mmm," Blaine replies, his mouth full of cock again as he brings one hand up to fondle Kurt's balls as they retract and he spills into Blaine's mouth, who eagerly swallows every drop. But he doesn't stop there, giving Kurt only seconds to recover while he removes the rest of his clothes and lies down on the closet floor. "Sit on my face," he commands, and Kurt's eyes grow wide at the suggestion. "Watch in the mirror as I rim you."
"Oh my..." Kurt trails off, noticing that Blaine has angled himself diagonally so they can both look into the floor to ceiling mirror. He positions himself over Blaine, facing his knees and is pulled back immediately as Blaine kisses and licks over his ass as if starved.
"Fuck," comes his muffled cry, his mouth buried in Kurt. Running his tongue over his entrance a few times he breaks off, pulling back to breathe. "Best. This is the best."
"No. Uh-uh," Kurt chuckles, before bending Blaine almost in half as he picks his legs up and stoops to return the favor. "This is the best." It's not that easy, to rim each other simultaneously, and Blaine really is bent at the most uncomfortable angle, but when he opens his eyes and looks in the mirror it's about all he can do not to touch his cock just once and come there and then. Of course, Kurt's tongue feels utterly perfect, and when he slides a finger in alongside, Blaine reciprocates and it becomes almost a game of tit for tat until both are buried in one another, tongues writhing and fingers pushing, searching, until Kurt gives a muffled yell and Blaine knows he's got there first. He only teases Kurt for a second however, tapping his thigh and getting him to move until he's on all fours looking directly into the mirror.
"Oh shit."
"Yeah," Blaine grins as he lubes up his cock. "You know what's coming. Eyes open." Gripping Kurt's hips tightly, he guides himself into Kurt's hole which stretches tight around him as their eyes lock one one another in the mirror. He moves slowly, relishing the feel of being inside Kurt after so long and the deeply erotic thrill that watching themselves in the mirror brings. Kurt struggles to keep his eyes open as Blaine moves inside him, and he resorts to biting hard on his bottom lip, welcoming the tug Blaine gives to his hair making him keep eye contact. "C'mere," Blaine grunts, kneeling back and pulling Kurt up against his chest, hooking his chin over his shoulder and staring at their reflections as he pushes back inside and runs his tongue along his neck.
"Fuck," Kurt mutters, reaching one arm around to the back of Blaine's neck. "I won't last long like this. Watching you...watching me...us..."
"I love you, Kurt."
"I love you too. So much," Kurt moans, his voice turning into a whine of desperation as Blaine picks up the pace slightly and thrusts deep and long into his husband, one hand splayed over his chest, the other reaching down for his cock. "Blaine..."
"I know," he pants in his ear, keeping their eyes fixed one one another in the mirror. "With me," he commands softly.
"With you," Kurt answers, gritting his teeth as he holds back.
"Yeah...Kurt..."
They come together, Blaine clutching tight to Kurt as their soft moans fill the air followed by contented long drawn out sighs. They rock together slowly, Blaine eventually pulling out and helping a weary Kurt to the bathroom where he hands him a warm washcloth and kisses his lips tenderly. "I'll wait for you in bed."
"You know, that's another thing that I love about you," Kurt says when he emerges from the bathroom. "You're such a gentleman. After six years we could have stopped caring, but some sights really shouldn't be seen, and you always respect that."
"I try," Blaine grins, rolling over until his head is resting on Kurt's chest. "I dont know if I can sleep."
"Why?"
"Too happy," he says with possibly the cutest little laugh that Kurt thinks he's ever heard.
Kurt smiles, kissing into his hair. "It's been a pretty good anniversary after all, hasn't it? I feel like we've talked through so much, and I feel so much brighter."
"Same, gorgeous boy," Blaine murmurs, yawning loudly which makes Kurt laugh. "Oh. Maybe I can sleep after all."
Sleep he does, and he wakes in bright sunlight to find Kurt's side of the bed empty and the smell of frying bacon filling the whole apartment. Stretching contentedly, he uses the bathroom quickly before pulling on some shorts and heading down the hall to the kitchen where he can hear Kurt on the phone.
"Yeah...yeah...I understand," he is saying. Blaine kisses his neck silently as he walks past him to get coffee, heart lurching in worry when Kurt visibly flinches, but he tries not to think too much of it and turns his attention the pan on the stove instead, where the bacon looks perilously close to burning.
"No, no. That's fine. I'll call in later today, and I'll be there tomorrow... Okay. Yeah... See you this afternoon." He puts the phone down and grips the edge of the counter tightly, breathing in sharply through his nose.
"Everything okay?" Blaine asks quietly.
"No."
"Tell me." Setting two plates of bacon and pancakes on the table he guides Kurt gently to a chair.
"Martha will only renew my contract on a month by month basis," he sighs. "My initial contract was a year, and when that's up in two weeks it's on a rolling basis from then."
"What?" Blaine cries, "Why?"
"I'm not getting enough work, apparently."
"You're getting loads of work."
"Not loads, no," Kurt corrects, drawing his lips into a thin line as he pokes at his breakfast with his fork. "The odd bit part. Nothing substantial. Anyway," he says wearily. "I have to go see her this afternoon, she has an audition for me tomorrow."
"For?"
"A touring production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Four weeks."
"Chorus?"
"A brother."
"So that's good, right? A speaking role?"
"I guess. If I get it."
"I'm sure you will."
"Whatever," Kurt mutters, scraping his chair back from the table and scraping his untouched breakfast into the trash.
"Do you want to talk about this?" Blaine asks, suddenly feeling on edge once more.
"No," he snaps, heading towards the bedroom. "I absolutely do not."
Blaine leaves him alone, clearing away the rest of the breakfast and loading the dishwasher before heading into the bedroom to find a showered and partially dressed Kurt curled up in bed, staring out of the window. He doesn't react to the dip of the mattress when Blaine sits next to him, but he does close his eyes at the feeling of his hand playing idly with his hair.
"I want to talk to you about something, but I want you to hear me out and promise not to yell, okay?" Blaine says softly.
"Sounds ominous," Kurt mutters.
"I think you should move into costume design."
"What?" His voice immediately turns dark, with a hard and bitter edge as he rolls over to look up at him.
"I think you heard me perfectly well, Kurt. You are...an incredible man, and I love you dearly but I don't think you're suited to acting. Patience is not your strong point, gorgeous boy, and I just don't think you have what it takes to sit tight and work all the crappy roles while waiting for your big break. The sketches you do, the designs you make... They're flawless. You have natural, raw talent and I really think you could do well...and be happy doing it too."
"Is this because I'm not keeping up my side of us being a fabulously successful gay couple?"
"What?" Blaine cries incredulously. "What are you even talking about?"
Kurt sits, eyes spitting fire as he snaps at him. "Am I letting you down? Are you ashamed of me, is that it? Blaine Hummel- Anderson, extraordinarily talented violinist, concert pianist and all round good guy, married to Kurt, second rate struggling musical theatre actor who consistently turns in below par performances? Yeah, the Tribune wouldn't be happy with that I guess. Why not railroad me into a more acceptable career?"
"Kurt...this is...this...you're unbelievable," Blaine splutters as he sees the whole cycle starting over again. "This is destroying you... And I'm frightened it's going to end up destroying us, too. Are you really happy like this? Feeling like this? Because I have to be honest...I love you and I'm happy you're my husband but happy to see you like this? No...I'm not."
"So you want out? Is that what you're saying? A six year relationship, married for a year and you want to throw in the towel?"
"No! Kurt, we went through this last night! I married you for life. I'm never giving up. But I want you to be happy. I want the boy that I married back. I miss him."
"But I'm not that boy any more, Blaine. You married a wide eyed twenty one year old. This is one year on. A whole year of struggling in the sucky real world. A year of rejections over and over again. A year of never feeling good enough, of living in your shadow. And a year of being introduced as 'Blaine's husband, Kurt.' Or 'Husband of Chicago's most revered musician,' or worse, not even introduced at all."
"I'd have thought being introduced as my husband ought to be exciting, not something to complain about," Blaine says in a small voice. "I know what a thrill it gives me to say those words. One of my favorite parts of my job is getting to introduce you to people."
"Don't try and placate me with bullshit," Kurt snaps, rolling off the bed and pulling on the rest of his clothes.
Blaine shakes his head in stunned disbelief, eyes shimmering with tears as he studies his angry young husband. "It's not bullshit," he says quietly, swallowing thickly over the lump in his throat. "I'd never lie to you."
"See, now I know that's bullshit," Kurt cries, whirling around to face him. "Because you do lie to me. You spent the first two years of our relationship lying to me about moving to New York!"
"I did not!" Blaine yells, standing to face him as his temper flares. "I never lied to you, I just wasn't honest with you, which was wrong I know, but why are we bringing this up now? We've moved way, way past that, Kurt!"
"You might have," he snaps. "But let's face it Blaine, if I'd have attended NYADA like I was supposed to, none if this would have happened."
Blaine reels backwards as if stung by the venom from Kurt's words. Sitting on the bed heavily, he struggles to breathe, clenching and unclenching his fists. "You...how could you...Kurt...how could you ever say something like that?" he whispers, not even attempting to stop the tears which roll down his cheeks. "We both of us gave up everything to move here together, to start afresh in the place that made us happy, where good things happened for us."
"Well clearly that's no longer the case," Kurt huffs, leaning back against the dresser and folding his arms. "But still," he continues bitterly, "it's just as well we didn't make a go of it in New York. I'm not sure how I'd put up with the continual whimpering panic attacks and lame ass sex."
"Get out," Blaine whispers, a shaking hand running through his hair.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me, Kurt. You wanna do this? Fine. I pay the rent on this apartment; I decide who lives here and right now, you don't. I'm gonna take a shower and when I come out I want you gone."
"You can't kick me out of my apartment!" Kurt yells, on fire with indignant rage. "Where the fuck am I supposed to go?"
Blaine pauses in the bathroom doorway to look back at him. "Right now Kurt, I really don't care."