I don't remember what sets me off; perhaps a stray comment in the locker room or unwanted physical contact in the hallway. Maybe it was neither of those things and the fact that I lost my shit at school was mere coincidence. Like I said my memory of the earlier part of that day is too fuzzy for me to make sense out of. Think of it as watching a DVD with nasty scratches in the disk so the image freezes then randomly In one frame I'm chilling on the bus with Peridot while she happily chats about some new game she got for Christmas. In the next I'm outside, up to my knees in snow, slamming my fists repeatedly into the dumpster behind the cafeteria. Sweat pours off my overheated face as I gasp for air fighting to catch my breath when every inhale sends a sharp spike of pain into my lungs. Blood is splattered all around me from the torn skin of my abused hands soaking into the sleeves of my gray shirt. Unclenching my fists is its own special kind of torture, fuck how long had I been at this?
The sound of a door opening Snapped my attention away from my abused body and towards the tall individual making their way in my direction. Swaying hips that could hypnotize the unsuspecting and a perfectly styled square afro were a dead giveaway as to who it was. "Peridot saw you from the library window", Garnet said by way of greeting, "So I thought I'd come check on you." She reached out to place a gloved hand on my shoulder smiling gently, "Let's calm down." Oddly enough I did feel a measure of calm wash over me in the stoic teen's presence. There was just something about Garnet that oozed strength and confidence, it was like she had already seen the path life would take her on and accepted it. Even the way she dressed was well put together; today she was in a form fitting maroon blouse with abstract color splashes in the corner that formed a star. Navy dress pants clung to her wide hips accentuating her slim waist and full figure without coming off as trashy. "You're not going to like this but I need to take you to the nurse's office for your hands."
"Okay", I mumbled allowing Garnet's steady grip to lead me back through the double doors and into the school. After being out in the cold for Odin knows how long the heat of the hallway felt oppressive. Melted snow soaked into my jeans making them stick uncomfortably to my trembling legs. There weren't very many students in the hall but those who were around gave the two of us a wide berth. Suppose there was an upside for being covered in blood, most regular folks tend to leave you alone. Self Conscious I moved to walk a bit closer to my silent escort, "I don't like the way they're staring at me. 'S like they have nothing better to do except side around and fucking judge me." My throat started to feel tight and before I could stop them all of my frustrations poured out, "Do they think I don't know how fucked up I am? They don't need to constantly sit there and remind me that I'll never belong because I'm not like them."
We were in front of Rose's office now, its owner poking her head out the open door to find the source of noise. Her dark eyes landed on me and I had to fight the urge to shrink back against Garnet. "Wulfenite what are you-", Her question cut off when she noticed my scrapped up hands. She hurriedly motioned us inside the cramped nurse's office, "What happened to you? Please tell me you weren't fighting again", With a quick snap Rose's hands were enveloped in latex free gloves. "These don't look too deep but you remember what the doctor said about punches back when you broke your fingers. Previous damage makes the joint more susceptible to injuries in the future and makes said damage harder to fully heal."
Disinfecting solution was poured into my cuts makings my words hiss out between gritted teeth. "Stop assuming that I'm looking to fight all the time whenever I come in here. For fuck's sake Rose it's only a few damn scrapes", The burning liquid was dripping pink into the sink. Garnet's hand tightened on my shoulder, she was so quiet I had forgotten she was even there. Once again I was struck with a wave of inexorable calm that seemed to come from the simplest of contact. I made myself take a deep breath, "Sorry I shouldn't have snapped like that it wasn't cool. No I wasn't fighting with anybody I just lost my cool and hit the dumpster a few times, no big deal."
"Yes Wulfenite it is", Rose's voice was farm her mouth set in a thin line, "You're hurting yourself." She sighed then steeling herself for something, "This probably isn't the most appropriate time for this but here we go. Greg and I have been talking Wulfenite talking about your behavior and we've noticed some disturbing patterns. As things stand right now neither of us can be sure that our home is safe with you in it. The aggression towards the rest of us, the random bruises, the dead cow over the summer, our missing cat-", Shit Lion was missing when did that happen? "After a lengthy discussion with Mr. Higgins we feel it's best to have you speak to a professional. Medication might be just the trick", I jerked to my feet refusing to allow her to finish that sentence.
"Hold up a fucking minute!", I shouted furiously, "You guys have been talking about me behind my back. What the fuck happened to your whole speech about open and honest communication being the foundation of our relationship huh? I didn't even know something happened with Lion because nobody fucking tells me anything", I scrubbed at the tears on my face. You're gonna let some quack dope me into oblivion so you can feel like you're back in control, is that it? Well fuck you Rose, there's no way in fucking hell I'm letting you fuckers do this." Garnet let her hand fall away from my shoulder before giving me a look I couldn't understand and leaving. Was it: fear, pity, resentment, or the understanding that she finally understood just WHO she had helped. Had I shown so little improvement in the past 8 months that everyone found it so easy to believe I was dangerous?
"I'm sorry you feel that way dear but this isn't a choice", Rose was back to using her "I'm a reasonable adult and you're being silly" tone. "Your next appointment with Dr. Maheshwaren is in a few weeks, given what happened today I'm moving that up. Please understand that Mr. Higgins and I really do have your best interests at heart even if it doesn't seem like that right now." Great, she wasn't even willing to hear me out or offer me some time to come to terms with the idea. "Given everything that's happened today I think it might be best for Greg to pick you up. Go wait in the office while I give him a call", If it didn't hurt so much I'd be flipping her off. Instead I settled for using my shoulder to knock over her wheeled office chair on my way out. As I made my way down the hall I swear I heard her huff, "Oh grow up", under her breath.
Before I could turn around and retort movement from the corner of my eye caught my attention. Peridot was leaning awkwardly against the wall near an empty classroom, "Hey are you alright? Garnet told me what happened", Her scrawny hands wound together nervously in front of her. Fucking hell just what I needed, another person that I liked was afraid of me, thanks Garnet. Green eyes looked up from the floor darting back and forth a few times before settling on me. Movements slow she looped her arm with one of mine, "I'll walk you to the office since I need to go there anyway." Hmm so that was interesting, Garnet had already left when Rose said she was sending me home so how did Peridot know? Proving that she was more perceptive than her abrasive personality would let on she elaborated. "They used to send me there too when I was younger and everything around me would be too much." We stood to the side to allow a herd of students to pass us after the bell rang, "That's what happened right? I saw you from the library window when I was in my free period this morning. You looked so upset and people were just ignoring you", She was practically shouting now, "How could they do that?!"
Well that's certainly not the reaction I was expecting considering Rose's earlier attitude and Garnet's silence. Once the crowd thinned out we continued our path to the stairs that led to the ground floor. "Yeah Peri that's what happened", I hate how defeated my voice sounded, "I think. I don't really know", I forced myself to keep looking straight ahead and not down at my shorter companion. "Rose says she can't trust me anymore, that she thinks I'm a danger to the family. Her and Greg are gonna pay some quack to dope me up until I'm nice and fucking docile." The last sentence was so full of bitterness that I practically spat it into the open air. A harsh barking laugh forced its way past my lips before I could stop it, "Who knows maybe now I won't be such a fuck up." In front of us the glass doors of the office loomed reminding of the see through cells they had for folks on suicide watch.
Skinny arms wrapped around my middle in a warm embrace that I hadn't even realized I needed. A head of spiky blonde hair nuzzled into my ribs while Peridot whispered, "You're not dangerous. I'm a coward okay and no coward worth their salt spends time with something they think will hurt them." Mindful of my damaged hands I returned the hug fighting the tears pooling in the corners of my eyes. It was bad enough that I started crying in front of Garnet there was no way I was gonna do it in front of Peri too. If you would have told me after my first day we met that this excitable egomaniac would end up being one of my best friends I'd have laughed. Peridot was a lot like one of those super loud yappy dogs that try to push every other dog around to prove their tough. I know that description kind of seems unflattering but it really is expressed with nothing but affection. Without that level of tenacity she would've given up after the first few times I told her to fuck off and we wouldn't be friends.
"Thanks Peri", I said pulling reluctantly from the hug; Greg would be there soon and I needed to sign out. "Provided my hands aren't still completely numb is it okay if I call you later? Fuck I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to work like this", The thought of work brought up a new set of fears. Would Rose and Greg allow me to continue leaving at night or would they deem the activity too much of a risk now that I was "dangerous"? The $200 I was making weekly was the key to my independence because money meant a car and a car meant the ability to leave. Peridot nodded her consent at my question before scrambling away so she wouldn't miss her next class. Mouth set in a grim line I walked into the office to start the sign out procedure under the watchful gave of Diamond's secretary. Her long nose was turned up at my blood speckled fingers and shitty handwriting.
Greg's arrival was heralded by his usual greeting of, "Hey there kiddo", Shouted loudly from the door. "Rose said you aren't feeling too good", I stood out of the cheap plastic chair and followed him to the van. Silently I wondered if he had to close the car wash in order to come pick me up. Winter wasn't a terribly busy time of year for a business like his, he had been supplementing his income doing repair work for people. His brown eyes filled with concern when I took the front passenger seat instead of my preferred place in the cargo area. The van's old engine turned over a few times before it sputtered to life, "Is everything okay Wulfie?"
"No Greg everything is not fucking okay", My voice was only a few octaves above a growl when I spoke. Firmly I stared out the window, "I've done everything I fucking can to be a good person and fit into your family. No smoking, no drinking, watch my mouth in front of the kid, no my homework, the list of things you guys want from me goes on. I do my absolute best to follow all your rules to the letter even though hugs freak me out and living with roommates is hard after being alone for so long. I'm doing my best here but clearly my best isn't good enough because you guys this I'm dangerous and unsafe." Posture wire tight I turn to glare at him, "How the fuck could you ever think I would hurt Steven or the animals?"
"Well", Greg was actually yelling I don't think I've ever heard him raise his voice, "What are we supposed to think? You're gone all night, barely talk unless you're threatening someone, all your clothes you wear are blood stained." As he spoke he lifted his fingers like he was tallying off a list, "Oh and let's not forget you're a criminal whose rap sheet is nothing but violent crimes. I care about you Wulfenite, I really do, and I care about the others but sometimes caring isn't enough. Sometimes helping someone means making them face the things they might not want to. When you and I were talking after you first got here you told me you wanted to not be afraid anymore. Seeing a therapist and getting help dealing with everything that's happened to you is the first step towards healing. It's pretty darn clear you don't see that right now, I hope it eventually sinks in". With that last statement he fell silent and stayed that way for the rest of our short trip.
Back at the house I allowed myself the rare indulgence of a bath rather than begrudgingly showering. Under normal circumstances I hate being in water but on cold Winter days like this baths really helped my knee. I expected Greg to drop me off and return to the wash like he usually did, instead he parked himself on the couch. Jaw clenched I left my shoes by the door and padded to the laundry room for clean clothes. Moving my hands still hurt but instead of it being an unbearable sharpness it was now a throbbing ache. Still I managed to get everything I needed to avoid streaking to the barn after my soak. Within the locked confines of the bathroom I had the luxury of observing the changes my body had undergone since coming to live here. Thanks to regular meals and an involved workout regimen I was no longer painfully scrawny. Defined muscle sheathed my formerly bony legs, up my sides, to my shoulders and arms. Where there had once been flab sat the outline of a six pack; the top four more defined than the bottom two. I think for the first time in my life I looked in the mirror and actually liked what I saw.
"Too bad they'll never see you as anything more than a cat killing psychopath", My thoughts hissed. "All their talk about love and family was just to make you not want to fight back. They're gonna turn you into an obedient little retard who never questions them ever again." Dark thoughts still swirling in my mind I sank into the partially filled tub hissing at the heat. The shampoo found its way into every little cut burning the fuck out of my already battered hands. Lately I had been letting my hair grow out as a protective measure against the blustering winds. Keeping it chin length kept my ears warm thanks to me inheriting my mother's thick hair. By the time I was done scrubbing the white bubbles floating around were tinged pink. Undaunted I took the time to scrub every inch of myself in hopes of leaving my shitty mood behind.
A sharp rap at the door told me Greg was still awake, his voice then confirmed that fact, "Are you about done in there? Doctor Maheshwaren just called, one of her appointments cancelled so she can get you in today. If we leave now we might actually manage to get there early", It may have been my imagination but Greg sounded mighty cheerful. Huffing I hauled my pruney ass out of the tub and quickly dried myself with the orange towel that had been unofficially dubbed mine. "At least the hot water took most of the ache out of my hands", I thought flexing my fingers. Eager to get this bullshit appointment over with I threw on the white dress shirt and jeans I grabbed. I threw my hoodie on over the clean clothes immediately rendering them useless since I hadn't washed the thing in months. Refusing to look at Greg I threw on my boots and sulked to the passenger side of the van.
"Alright Miss Everburn I have a few questions for you and it is very important that you answer them honestly. I'm not here to judge you", Dr. Maheshwaren smiled at me in a way that I think was supposed to be comforting. "Over the last two weeks, how often have you been bothered by any of the following problems?" She went through the questionnaire with precision, asking me follow ups when I answered yes. Yes I have had trouble concentrating and taking pleasure in things I normally enjoy. You bet your ass I'm listless you would be too if you worked third shift right before going to school. Feeling hopeless, yeah doc massive fucking understatement there, honestly I feel like I'm nothing but I mindless meat puppet. I was grateful that the good doctor insisted that Greg stayed in the waiting room for this. Last thing I needed was him hearing about my inner turmoil and using it as an excuse to get rid of me.
An hour later I was handed a white bag and thanked the young woman behind the glass of the clinic's built in pharmacy. Two pills a day, one in the morning and one before bed, that was my penitence for losing control of my emotions. The first was a combination mood stabilizer and anti anxiety pill that I had to take when I woke up. The other was an antidepressant that would double as a sleep aid since I mentioned I had trouble with that. Any sort of third shift job was completely out of the question now that I was a slave to my pill schedule. Gordon didn't seem too upset when I talked to him on the phone and said I could reapply during the Summer.
Humiliated, medicated, and jobless I rode back home to once again find myself a pariah. Everyone kept watching me like they expected me to lose my shit at any moment. I determinedly ignored Rose's questions about how the last minute appointment went. Greg was keeping Steven away from me by having him watch a movie with Amethyst and Lapis. Jasper sort of hovered near me like she needed to be there to jump in and protect everyone from the dangerous psycho. Dejected and a little hazy from the meds kicking in, they told me I needed to take both right away to get them in my system, I trudged back to the barn. Climbing into bed felt like too much work so I curled up on the floor next to the heater and fell into the blackness of sleep.
Author's Note: Holy hell guys two chapters in one week