Part Two, Chapter 11: Surrender
surrender səˈrendər səˌrɛndər səˌrɛndə
verb [ intrans.
cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority :
• ( surrender to) abandon oneself entirely to (a powerful emotion or influence); give in to
-
But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together. I know that the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started. But with Catherine there was almost no difference in the night except that it was an even better time.
-An excerpt from "A Farewell to Arms" by Ernest Hemingway
My lungs are so starved for oxygen but I can't stop running. Cold sweat breaks out on my clammy skin, and my feet are out of control. I'm running blindly, streaking through the busy streets in my inexplicable haste.
Please just one second, please Kathryn please stop running.
What was I wearing? Certainly not my heels, because my feet would have died by now. Sneakers? Was I wearing sneakers? Were these the ones Elle convinced me to buy when she was trying to get me to try Karate with her? Why was I wearing these?
My breathing is coming out in short gasps, and I know that if I stopped running, I'm going to want to lie on the ground to recover. I don't care how dirty it is. I need to stop. Stop moving, goddamn it!
My legs are burning now, my mouth has gone dry. I close my eyes, hoping that the uncertainty will trick my body into slowing down, to be more cautious. It doesn't. My feet aren't my own, and I continue running.
Ouch.
My body collides with something warm, and my eyes open in surprise. It's Sebastian. He's smiling at me as I lose my balance. He catches me just as I was about to fall and takes out his handkerchief to wipe the sweat from my face. When he's convinced that my face was dry, he takes my face and kisses my forehead.
"Take it easy, sweetheart" He says, his voice deep and affectionate. "I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself."
"What are you doing here?" I'm too confused to be disgusted by the use of that gross pet name. "Where are we? What's going on? Why am I running?"
"You forgot to ask why you're wearing what you're wearing." He replies, taking my hand. My knees still feel wobbly and I had to lean against him when we start walking.
"What are you…" I look down and gasp. I was wearing my Manchester Prep uniform, the white, button down blouse, the awful green plaid skirt that I had shortened so it would be a few inches above my knee, and the blazer. "What the hell am I wearing??"
"I think you know what that is, although you look better in it now that you did six years ago."
"Sebastian, what the hell is going on here?"
"This is your dream, Kathryn. You tell me."
"Where are you taking me?" I demand, trying to yank my hand away from his. "This is fucking crazy. Maybe I'm going to end up like your nutjob girlfriend, huh?"
"Then I'll wait for you, too. You know I can, but I won't. What's the point? When you go to a mental hospital, you'll be married."
"What makes you so sure, asshole?"
"Because you're getting married and Saxton's in a hurry to make it official."
"Why?"
We enter a building I haven't seen before and was pretty much sure that this wasn't even anywhere near New York. The doorman was the same guy in my own condo, but he greets Sebastian cordially.
"Good day, isn't it, Mr. Valmont?"
Sebastian smiles politely, slinging an arm around my waist. "Sure is, Bob."
"They're all waiting for you." Bob (apparently, that's what his name was) replies, gesturing at the elevators.
"Who's waiting for us?" I ask Sebastian, but he doesn't reply. He only ushers me inside the elevator. We listen to the annoying classical music for a while, since the elevator seems to be taking forever to get to the 80th floor.
"Sebastian, why is he in a hurry to make it official?"
"Because he knows that you want someone else. He wants you to marry him before you can change your mind." He sighs, looking at his Rolex. "We're late. It took you long enough to run, Kathryn."
"Well, excuse me!" I huff. "It's not like I run on a daily basis!"
Sebastian laughs, and then his eyes turn serious. He looks at me, his gaze moving downwards.
"What are you doing?" I ask, feel self-conscious. "Stop that."
"Close your eyes." He says quietly, and when I try to reply, his hand closes my eyes for me. His hand feels warm, and I can't help but touch it.
"Are you undressing me with your eyes?"
"No." He leans closer, brushing his lips against my neck. "I wanted it to be right for when we get there."
"Get where?"
"You'll see." He laughs, kissing my cheek. "Now, open."
I open my eyes. He's wearing a suit, and his face looks younger. This is his seventeen-year-old version. And what was I wearing? The Dégat prom dress he'd gotten me.
"Happy prom, sis." He takes my hand to kiss my palm. He looks radiant, unburdened by anything at the moment. "You look so beautiful. I'm sorry I never really saw you in that dress."
I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirrored walls of the elevator. My hair was shorter, cut in the way it had been when I was seventeen. There was a beautiful corsage on my wrist, and it hadn't been the one Carmine had given me.
"Sebastian, this is crazy—"
Ding.
The elevator opens to my house. What the fuck? My old house, the one I shared with Sebastian. It looked like there was a party, and everyone seemed to be there. Faces and voices swim before my senses, but the only ones I saw were the people who had an impact in my life. Annette Hargrove was there with a little blond boy, possessing the most disarming smile that suspiciously looked like Sebastian's, and so were Cecile and Ronald, who were laughing and conferring with each other. Selena Wade was there, as mysterious and as beautiful as ever, wearing a dress designed by her famous uncle, I'm sure. She looked older than me as she spoke to Elle. Alana and Conner were there as well, although as soon as we stepped into the room, Conner's eyes were focused on me. Blaine was getting a drink.
"There she is!" A familiar voice booms, and I jump in surprise. My grandfather walks regally, with his salt and pepper hair and distinguished gait. My smile was the widest then, and I let go of Sebastian's hand for Papa to hold on to me.
"You look so grown up." He beams, looking handsome. "And beautiful!" Congratulations on the engagement, my darling granddaughter."
"Thank you." I kiss him, my jaw aches from smiling but I didn't mind at all. "Papa, this is Sebastian Valmont."
Sebastian shakes his hand, his eyes twinkling. "I'm one of the very few men she loves, sir. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Being egotistic, aren't we?"
"What's new with that?" Conner's voice answers teasingly, hugging me from behind.
"And this is Conner Valmont, Sebastian's cousin."
Papa also shakes his hand and I watch in pride as they both stand there looking so perfect.
"The other love of her life." Conner puts in, grinning mischievously.
Papa's eyebrows rise, looking amused. "And how many of you are there, exactly?"
"Don't listen to them, Papa." I cut in, rolling my eyes. "They're just jealous. Come on, I want to introduce you to Derrick."
"Is that the other love of her life?" He asks Sebastian, who then looks at Conner. They both shrug.
"No, not really. She is deluded that he is, though. You'll see, sir. Just look at how she looks at Saxton and then you can tell her what we've been trying to tell her all along. He's not the guy."
"Be quiet before I cut your dick off." I hiss, glaring dangerously at him.
"Why? You seem to have had a lot of fun riding it."
"Sebastian!"
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." Papa groans out loud, and I can't help but laugh. Sebastian and Conner wander into the crowd while I finally spot Derrick. I reach out and tug his arm, and just like always, he sweeps me into a big hug.
"What took you so long?" He chastises me, smiling.
"Papa, this is Derrick Saxton, my fiancé. Derrick, this is my grandfather, William Merteuil."
"It's an honor to meet you, sir." Derrick's smile seems to be forced. "Kathryn, we have to hurry up. We're already late."
"Late?" I frown, confused yet again. "For what?"
"We're getting married today, remember?"
"We're what?"
"We're getting married. Look, you already have your dress on… I wasn't supposed to see you before, but…" He sighs. "It's fine. We have to go now."
"But… everybody's here. We can't stay a while?"
"They'll all be there." He assures me, and before I can say goodbye to my grandfather, Derrick takes my hand and we push past the double doors.
We're in a church now, standing in front of the priest. The place is packed, and I'm wearing a white wedding dress with my hair now longer (since I was again, it seemed, twenty six years old) and pulled into an updo. Elle was my maid of honor and his best man was Conner. What the hell was Sebastian doing there, too? I thought you were only allowed one best man?
"Do you, Kathryn, accept Derrick, Conner, and Sebastian to be your lawfully wedded husbands…"
"Huh?"
The priest looks at me funny and repeats his question.
"Um… isn't there only supposed to be one groom?"
"Well, we all want to marry you." They say in unison, looking like they had been lobotomized and turned into Stepford husbands.
"You're married," I point at Conner. "You're an asshole," I point at Sebastian. "And you're not supposed to agree to this." I reprimand Derrick, annoyed.
"I'll take Conner if you don't want him." Elle speaks out.
"You're not having him!" I burst out.
"Just choose one of us then, if you don't want us to share you, then just pick one." Sebastian says reasonably.
"Conner's married and you have a girlfriend, Sebastian."
"Yes, I know. But I love you."
"It's the same for me, Kate." Conner says ruefully, running his hands through his thick black hair. "Always have."
"Kathryn," Derrick interrupts, looking sad. He takes my hands. Holding on to it with all his warmth and gentleness. "I'll take care of you. I'll never leave you, never disappoint you."
"Bullshit." Sebastian laughs harshly. "Are you even listening to that crap, Kathryn? That's not what you want!"
"I'm siding with Seb on that one." Conner replies.
"Don't listen to them…" My fiancé implores. "I do know what you want, Kathryn. Give me a chance."
Sebastian lets out a low growl, which meant he was getting seriously pissed off. He grabs my shoulders, bending me over the table. His hand cups my breast, his tongue licking my ear.
"Let me go!"
"This is what you want." He murmurs. "Rough sex. Rough men. Someone who's not afraid to call you on your shit."
The entire place is silent, as if we were just acting in a play. I shiver when his hand slips under the dress and he fondles my naked breast while rubbing his clothed erection against my ass.
"We're in a fucking church, Sebastian!" I yell angrily. "Stop that!"
"Like you ever believed in God?" He starts nibbling on my neck, his breathing growing heavier. "This fucking dress doesn't even suit you. I'd like to rip it off and fuck you senseless, like before."
"You're doing it wrong." Conner tells Sebastian.
I feel his presence leave as Conner shoves him. He spins me around until we're facing each other, and instead of launching into a fight with him, Sebastian only watches.
"She doesn't want just that." Conner begins, fixing my hair from when Sebastian had manhandled me.
"Oh, she wants puppies and rainbows, too?" Sebastian mocks him.
Conner shakes his head. "Don't be an asshole, Seb."
"I suppose you hold hands while you make love?"
"No, no… that's not what she wants." Conner kisses my forehead before kissing my mouth. I moan as he explores me with his tongue, and I begin to forget that we were even doing this in front of everybody I knew (and didn't know). "She wants this, too." He touches me through my panties and my eyes begin to grow heavy. "Just the right mixture, just the right man. Rough and gentle, that's what you fail to see. You're always playing this fucking game with her and sometimes she just wants to stop."
"You don't know shit about her!" Derrick snarls.
"I agree!" Sebastian moves to stop him but I hold up a hand, desperate for release.
"Fuck me." I whimper. "Like we did before."
"I can't believe you're choosing him!" Sebastian yells, slamming his fist against the table. Conner's erection pulls free from his pants and I take off my panties.
He's inside me now. I'm moaning like there's no tomorrow, and Sebastian and Derrick both look stunned.
"Oh, fuck… coming… now!" I hold on to him tightly, shaking.
"I guess I have my answer then." Sebastian's eyes look flat. As he turns to go back to Selena, call his name.
"I want you all." I tell him. "I can't choose."
"Tough shit, Kathryn." He sounds strange. Like he was about to cry.
I calmly put my underwear back on before coming to him. I place a hand on his shoulder but he flinches.
"You've touched his dick and now you're touching me." He says coldly. "Don't."
"Don't be jealous… come here…"
"I don't fucking want sloppy seconds."
"No… come on… I'd like to talk to you alone."
He hesitates, but before he can reply, the church and everything else disappears.
We're back in his room.
"So it's Conner after all." Sebastian speaks in a dull monotone.
"It's nobody." I slip out of my clothes and head to the bathroom for a shower. Naturally, he follows me. "Would you hand me another bottle of shampoo? This one's empty. It's in the—"
"I know where it is." He says crossly. "It's my fucking bathroom."
"True, but it's my fucking dream."
His gaze rakes over my naked body.
"Did you ever love me, Kathryn?"
"Just hand me the goddamn shampoo, Sebastian."
He doesn't reply, but I feel guilty when I realize how hurt he is by my callous remark.
"I don't understand it all." He says over the roar of the shower. "It's so easy for you to say that you love Conner, but you can't bring yourself to answer me when I ask you. Is he better than me? Is that it? Have I been deluding myself all these years?"
I shampoo my hair, and even though he's standing near the shower, he doesn't get wet. It's amazing how clearly I still hear him even though under normal circumstances, his voice would have been drowned out by the sound of rushing water.
"Kathryn, you have to answer me."
"No, I don't. I'm not obliged to do anything."
"You fucking cruel bitch." He gets into the shower with me, getting his clothes drenched. His hair sticks to his face, the water makes his plump lips shine.
"I'm cruel? That's amusing. I'm the one who left?"
He grips my arms tightly, the hurt look appearing again after my comment.
"Please let go of me, Sebastian. I'm taking a bath."
"I want you so much." He says in his broken, hurt voice. "And it's wrong. I should leave and never come back. You're not my sister anymore, but it's still wrong. Because I'll fuck it up, I know I will. I'll hurt you, or you'll hurt me. Isn't it like that? Hasn't it always been like that? Why can't it stop?"
"Why is the world round?" I quip nastily. "I don't know."
He raises his hand and he backhands me, but instead of it feeling painful, it isn't at all. It feels like I've had the wind knocked out of me, sure. But it's not a bad thing. The moment he does that, we leave the bathroom and we're back at the Rosemond Estate.
I touch my cheek, expecting to feel the after effects of his assault but I don't feel anything. He, on the other hand, had a bloody lip.
"What the hell happened to you?"
He smiles. "You don't get it, do you?"
"Not at all."
"It's okay." He nods, kissing me—I didn't pull away. "You will."
When I open my eyes, he was gone. A strong pang of disappointment surprises me by making its presence known. There's that feeling of loneliness again, the one I had gone through when he has left years before. I was in a place I didn't know again, some sort of afternoon party.
Two children—a boy and a girl— that were about Jessica's age come running towards me. They were the most beautiful children I'd ever seen, with blue eyes and dark hair.
"Mommy!" They both cry out, their voices sweet and innocent. They were hugging me as though I had left them for a long time and only came back now.
"Er." Was all I can really say, but their cherubic faces got to me and soon I bent my knees so I could see them better. The girl had a dimple on her right cheek, and her eyes had a hint of green in them. She might have Sebastian's mouth. The boy looks like Conner; with soft curls that I knew would one day drive women to their knees. He had Derrick's eyes though, bluer than anything I'd ever seen. They clamor over me, and I inhale their sweet baby scent.
"Mommy, we missed you! Daddy said you would be home last week and we waited!" The little boy whines, pouting.
"Daddy? Where's daddy?" Better yet, who the hell was daddy?
"Mommy, didn't you miss us?"
"I… did. I just wanted to see your daddy, that's all."
The little girl senses my hesitation and her lower lip trembles. Her chubby face forms into this heartbreaking look that makes me feel bad. I take her face in my hands and bring my face closer to hers as though I was looking for myself inside those beautiful blue-green eyes.
"You're so perfect." I tell her quietly, still astonished that these two breathtaking children came from me. "You both are."
"Daddy missed you a lot, you know. We heard him talking to Aunt Elle and he looked so sad because you left." The boy takes my hand and they both lead me into what I sensed was their house… well, technically if I was their mother, then it was also mine. We went through a series of hallways and stairways, a long adventure with these beautiful children I couldn't be annoyed at. The girl opens the door to a bedroom. I'm guessing this is where their daddy and me slept. We hear someone in the walk-in closet, rummaging through drawers. There's a suit neatly laid on the bed, complete with a silk gray tie. I looked for photos, anything to give me a clue as to who he was, but I didn't see anything.
In fact, I wasn't able to see anything from that point on because I woke up.
---
Elle looks unfocused. A rarity for someone who usually looks like she can split you in half in one precise sword stroke. She hasn't spoken to me since I told her Conner was leaving.
As I pass by her office, I see her with a dark haired man who strangely resembles Derrick only… better. Huh. Oh, those eyes. Those shoulders. Mind if I fucked him first?
The first thought that came to mind was that he was some sort of model. She's always loved fucking that kind, but the more I come closer, the more I realize that their affinity ran deeper than being fuckbuddies. They are standing so close the intimacy is unmistakable. I was even almost jealous of her, but then again, it's not like I wanted to add another one to the list.
"…you're sure?" His voice. Husky and rough, whoever this man was, I would have screwed him into the next lifetime if I hadn't been engaged or committed, for that matter. "Elle, Selena's not responsible for anything."
"Don't you side with her!" She replies, berating him with a shrewd look. "It's not like you weren't the one who found Keiko with a gun in her fucking mouth. That bastard deserves to have his mentally incapacitated daughter go permanently insane, after what he did to her!"
"I'm just saying…"
"No, you listen to me. You fuck her senseless. Split her in fucking two if you have to, I don't care. Ian, you promised me."
"But she's so… pure." He drags out the last word like it pains him to say it.
"Ian, please do this for me?" I recognize that look. Soft and smoldering, pleading. She's done that with men so many times (even a few clients) and the results are the same. "She's not pure. She's just waiting to snap again, believe me. She tried to kill Sebastian years ago, did you know that? She fucking tried to kill her boyfriend by ramming the car into a pole. It's just taken years to get it out of her system. I want to break her again."
She what! The pole? That was his mental breakdown??
"Elle…"
She licks her mouth and threads his black hair with her fingers. He looks at her and then sighs. She kisses him.
"You're fucking twisted, you know that?" He tells her, breathless.
"I suppose. Call me later, I have to go visit Conner to say goodbye."
"That Spanish guy?" Ian scowls.
"Don't be jealous."
"How can I be jealous of him? He doesn't belong to you."
"And you do?"
"Fuck you, Elle. I'll see you soon, I'm getting close to bagging her, you do know that? There's something about her that's just so endearing. So fragile and delicate even... It's hard to believe that she's capable of doing what you said she did."
"She is capable of being a murderous psychotic mental patient. She just needs a little push. God forbid you fall for her."
"Never."
If I closed my eyes and listened to them, I could've sworn it was like listening to me and Sebastian ages ago. As he turns to leave, I busy myself by pretending to look over a few stacks of mail. I angle my body so he would have no choice but to bump into me, and that he does.
Mmm. Up close he looks so much better. Eurasian, from what I can tell. He's like Derrick's big brother or something.
"Excuse me." He says, smiling.
"No problem." I answer breezily. "I'm Kathryn Merteuil."
"Ian Fox."
"Ian Fox? Elle's brother?"
"Yes."
"Her biological brother?"
He gives me a funny grin. "Yes."
And you were making out with her?? Okay. As gorgeous as he is, that's just wrong. I mean, I would've understood if they were stepsiblings. I would never have passed judgment on that one.
"Well, I'll see you." He smiles again before leaving. When I turn to go to my office, I realize Elle is watching me.
"Stay out of it." She warns. "I know what I'm doing."
---
It feels cold tonight. Colder than New York has ever been, in my opinion. Conner slings the strap of his carry on bag on his shoulder and turns to us.
I shiver slightly, slipping my arm through Sebastian's on impulse to alleviate the biting coldness that numbed me.
"It's too cold for crying, Kate." Conner teases me and I only roll my eyes at him.
"Me? Cry over you? Never."
"Good." He replies, tugging my arm. I let go of Sebastian and allow him to hug me. I didn't like the thick coats that we wore, because somehow the layers kept me away from him. "Now, let me lay on a few ground rules. No drugs or anything of the sort. Derrick's asked me to be the best man so I'm going to be at your wedding, regardless of how much I—"
"We." Sebastian interrupts.
Conner nods at his cousin, grinning. "Oh. Right. No matter how much we disapprove of it. You can call me anytime you want, but try not to call me when you're in the middle of an OD because then I won't be able to do anything to help and you'll just die and drag me along with you."
"What am I, seventeen?"
"He does have a point, Kathryn. Regardless of your age, you still have a tendency to do stupid things. For instance, you're getting married to that dull man."
"Shut up, asshole."
"The truth hurts, doesn't it?"
"What's going to hurt are your balls when I knee them in about five seconds."
"Why would you do that? You love my balls. Remember when you used to tongue them?"
"Jesus, Sebastian! Would you just get into the fucking car already before I kill you?" I raise my voice. "Is it possible for you to let me say goodbye to Conner for five fucking minutes without you interrupting us?"
Sebastian looks at his cousin. "You know, if she's only going to be this bitchy when you're gone, I'd much rather have you stay."
"To the car! Now!"
"Fine, fine." He surrenders, noticing that he is close to pushing me over the edge.
"Fucking idiot!" I mutter, my mood already lightening as soon as Conner gives me another one of his handsome, reassuring grins. "Will you marry me instead?"
"Of course I would, but you should let me do the asking." He bites his lower lip, looking at me regretfully. He takes his ring off, the one that bears the family crest. It's too big to fit my finger, but he presses it against my palm. "There. We're married now. Don't forget me."
"You're kidding, right?"
He doesn't reply. He only gives bends down to kiss me—really, really kiss me— and his fingers slip underneath my hair and get tangled within its strands. His mouth feels hot, a cherished cup of coffee in the middle of a cruel night.
"Always something." He tells me, squeezing me against him like he knows I needed to feel him through all these layers of clothing. "Don't forget, okay?"
I nod. I feign a smile. I keep nodding even after he's long gone and out of sight.
I'm more subdued when I go back to the car. Sebastian doesn't tease me. He doesn't talk to me even as we arrive at my place. He walks me to my unit, distancing himself yet still remaining close enough, like the way I needed him to be.
"Goodnight." He moves awkwardly to peck my cheek just as I open the door. "Call me if you need—"
"Stay here tonight." I'm surprised at myself the moment I say this. It's clear that he feels the same way. He even takes a step back, as though waiting for me to pull a knife out and slice him open or something. His eyes widen, and then they blink.
"Kathryn, do you think that this is wise?"
"No. In fact, I know I'm going to regret it sooner or later, but I'm saying it anyway. Stay the night. It feels weird that he's not going to come back for a while, that's all. I want the company. We don't have to fuck."
"I have to call…" He hesitates.
"Call her. You can even use my phone, I don't mind."
He takes a few cautious steps into my condo, looking out of place and uneasy.
"Coat there." I hand him the cordless phone. "Shoes on the left side. I bought Derrick some clothes but I keep forgetting to give them to him, so you can just change into those."
He fingers the phone buttons and from the way he looks at me, I can already tell what he's thinking.
"No, Sebastian. They haven't been used. You're not anybody's replacement. I can call him and have him stay the night if I wanted to, but you're the one standing here."
"What does this—"
"I don't know what it means. Can't we just stop trying to analyze every fucking thing? Weren't you the one that said we needed a break? This is a break."
He looks at me for a long time. "Okay." He says, nodding. "I'll stay."
I leave him to call his girlfriend, taking a long bath. When I come out, he's seated comfortably in front of the television. He has his eyes closed and the TV was on a show that I didn't even recognize.
"I have a guest room, you know. You don't have to sleep there."
He opens his eyes and quietly follows me to a spare bedroom. His eyes probe mine, blue and endless. "Kathryn, would you hit me if I tried to kiss you?"
"Yes."
He traces a line down the side of my cheek. "Really?"
"I'd kill you."
"Would you make it a slow, painful death?" He whispers, holding my waist. "Something I'm sure to suffer immensely?"
"I hate to get into clichés, but it's something that'll make you wish you were never born." It's a miracle my voice didn't shake. Why the hell does he smell so good? Some kind of aftershave or cologne of some sort. Does he have a little bottle in his pocket and he splashed some on while I was taking a bath? Had he always been this hot? His curls that blond and his mouth that fucking perfect? Even the growing little hairs on his jaw didn't make him any less attractive.
"You don't want me to do this?"
Yes. No. Yes. No. "No."
You knew this could happen.
"You're sure?" His tone is amused, his voice low. Like he knows all the thoughts that had been running through my muddled head.
"Of course I'm fucking sure. You're poison."
"Then why are you touching me back?"
"I am not."
"Really? Those aren't your hands on my chest?"
"That's just because I'm trying to stop you in case—" His mouth is suddenly on mine, pressing warmly. Wetly, while the alarm bells are all going off at the same time. You idiot. You fucking horny lonely engaged slut. And I'm kissing him back. In a few minutes, I'm going to slit his throat like I had done in my dream. If only that were possible.
It's like that's all he needs, me letting him into my mouth. His hands wander all over my body, my waist, my breasts, and then his mouth follows his hands.
He's found the off switch in my head. Everything goes black. I forget everything and everyone else. Selena, Elle, and that delectable but twisted man named Ian.
Then it explodes into a plethora of colors.
There's a sound as our hungry mouths part and we stare at each other. I raise my hands up and he smiles that little boy smile from so long ago. His skin brushes against my thighs as he takes the hem of my silk nightgown to pull over my head.
"God, you're beautiful." He says reverently, touching my hips.
"You think so? I've gained weight since I stopped throwing up."
"No, no…" He murmurs, stopping me from shying away from him. "it's better than before. Seriously. Your body's more gorgeous than I remember, you know."
"Good." I say, mollified. I think I was about to say something else but his mouth closes around one puckered nipple and then there's that off switch again. Colors explode. I want him. I need him. "Now take off your shirt."
His laughter is a wonderful sound that makes me feel something akin to happiness. This is something I don't understand at all, but then after that off switch I don't understand anything except the fact that I want to fuck him until I'm old and gray.
"Lie down." He whispers between kisses.
"Take your shirt off."
"Lie down and I will."
"Take your shirt off and I will."
"Same time?" He's trying not to smile. And failing, I might add.
"Fine."
He unbuttons his shirt and exposes that yummy looking toned chest. Was that a six-pack?
"Now lie down."
"Pants off, too."
"Not part of our agreement."
I gesture at the obvious bulge in his pants. "It's not like you don't want to."
"Why are you being so difficult? I can make you lie on that bed, you know."
"Oh, you're going to physically force me?"
"Nope." There's a scary gleam in his eyes. Mischievous. He places two fingers in his mouth before he slips it underneath my panties. "I have a better way of persuading you."
"Oh, fucking hell." There's no way to go around this. This man has the best fingers in the entire known world. Great. He wins. My back hits the mattress and he's standing before me in his half naked glory. Fucking tease. He fucking wins. I can't believe I let him win.
Panties off. Tongue inside.
Or I win. Twisting, writhing, his fingers open me up like he's peeling layer by layer off deliciously. He wins and I win. Oh, fucking hell… I win. We both do. It's tie. It's a fucking tie.
"Jesus!" He knows his way down there, that's for sure. "God! Holy…"
"You know, you're more religious than when we last did it." He muses, momentarily leaving my cunt.
"Fuck me." The line connecting my mouth and my mind has been cut. I'm trying to grab a hold of anything, this glorious feeling of sexual pleasure. "Please, oh god please…"
"Kathryn Merteuil, actually begging?"
"Oh screw this." I kick his chest and he falls with a surprised oomph on the floor. I straddle him, enjoying the turnabout in this power play. Belt off, button open, zipper down. Hello, my large, standing friend. Hasn't it been a while?"
"Kathryn, we need a con—" His eyes shut tightly when I sink into him. Then he groans, his fingers clutching me.
"On the Pill, don't worry about it. It's not like we haven't done it like this before."
I'll spare you the graphic details. I came, he came. Three times. He had me bent over. Then we did it sideways, him on top, me on top. After the second time, we were both so winded and hungry that we went to the kitchen to get something to eat. That went fine until he saw me licking strawberry jam (I have the strangest after sex craving) off a spoon. Needless to say, I sat on the counter and he fucked me senseless yet again.
"That was…" We both collapsed, taking the time to breathe. By this time we were back in the guest bedroom.
"Great." He finishes, sighing contentedly.
"You... that thing with your middle finger? How did you—?"
"Me?" Sebastian turns, his face red and glowing. "What about you? That thing with your tongue? Where the hell did you learn that?"
I'm flattered as I shrug, trying to play it off. "Well, you know… here and there."
"Same answer." He fluffs up a pillow, trying to find a good position. "Sex with you is just…"
"Mind numbing."
"I was going to say fucking intense but that's actually an applicable answer as well." He kisses me gently. "I've missed you, princess."
"Yes, well, I have a strong effect on men." I make a move to leave the bed but he stops me, pulling me into his arms. "Let go, Sebastian. I need a drink."
"Oh." He sounds defensive. "What, you're regretting this so much that you need a drink to convince yourself that it never happened?"
"Actually, you've pounded me until I came to that point wherein I was almost convinced that I've had enough sex to last me at least ten years. Simply put, you've worn me out. I'm thirsty."
He nibbles on my neck and I squirm when it tickles. "I'll get you a drink. Just stay here and rest, okay?" He takes my arm and kisses the red spot on my wrist from when he gripped me too tightly. "I want to have my way with you at least two more times before I give up."
"You're insufferable!" I call out, studying my wrist. He better not leave any marks. I hear him chuckle. He comes back a few minutes later with two glasses of water. ("Water? You've got to be kidding. I want my alcohol, damn it!" To which he replies: "Well, I don't want you to get drunk and fall asleep on me. Be glad I chose that over the Red Bull." Me: "I don't have any Red Bull." Him: "I know, consider yourself lucky. It's too late and too cold out for me to go out and get a few bottles.")
"So," he finishes his glass in thirsty gulps before setting it on the side table.
"So," I mimic him, daintily taking sip after sip.
"Kathryn, I just want you to know that…"
His cell phone rings. It's a distinct ringing tone that usually indicates it is Selena who's calling. Immediately, his smile falls. He scrambles to get it and I hand it over to him first.
"I'm not going to be angry at you." I tell him. "Let's just call it like it is, Sebastian. We needed this somehow. It doesn't mean that things are going to change."
"Hello?"
Even from here I can hear Selena in hysterics. She's sobbing.
"Hey… calm down… what's wrong?" His demeanor changes. He's hers again. "What? Baby, please don't cry… it's okay… yes, I know… I'm sorry… work ran late… now what did you do?"
He listens. His face loses its rosy glow. "You what?"
More faint sobbing.
"Shh… it's okay, I'm not mad. Who was he?"
Why do I get that sinking feeling that I knew what this was about?
"Ian. Ian who?"
He pauses. I fidget, wondering if I should tell him about Ian Fox.
"Of course not, Selena. I'm never leaving you, okay? I understand… just… just please don't hurt yourself."
We both jump when the cordless phone rings. Derrick. It's like they knew what we had been doing or something.
"Hello?" I move away from Sebastian, careful to keep my voice low.
"Hey… I just wanted to see how you were doing. I know you and Conner were close (Darling fiancé, you have no idea) and you must be a little sad that he's gone." He makes it impossible for me to hate him.
"I'm fine." I sigh heavily, as though it would show him that I've been spending the night alone. "Derrick, I've been thinking though…"
"Selena, look, I know this has been hard for you. I'm sorry for putting you through this, but you have to realize that I have to be here. No, you're not going to snap, okay? I promise… I'm going to take care of you. I'm not letting you go back to that place."
"What is it, Kathryn?" Derrick asks concerned.
"I want a long engagement." I tell him firmly. It isn't fair for him to marry me when I'm this insane.
I don't realize Sebastian's stopped talking. It takes me a few minutes to realize that he's just gaping at me.
"What?" I demand, covering the mouthpiece. "This has nothing to do with you. I want to be ready when I marry him, okay? I'm still marrying Derrick."
"I have to go." Sebastian tells Selena.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?" I tell Derrick.
"I love you." Sebastian says after a moment's hesitation.
"I love you, too." I tell my fiancé. It sounds so wrong in my ears. In fact, it's actually the first time I've said it to him.
We both hang up.
"We're screwed, huh?" Sebastian asks me.
"Pretty much, yes."
"So… what now?"
"Now," I place the phone back on its cradle and pull up the covers. "We sleep."
"Seriously? You're not kicking me out?"
"No. Conner's gone and I don't feel like sleeping alone tonight." I turn off the lights.
"Why not Derrick, then?"
"Sebastian, we've been over this." I explain patiently. "You're here because you're here. Let's not get into the whole thing tonight, okay?"
"So were you thinking of Conner when I was fucking you, is that it? Because I kind of look like him?" He turns on the lights, turning my shoulder so I would face him.
"Do you really want to fight right now?" I yawn, brushing a long curl from his forehead. "Because I still feel pretty great from all that sex and I would much rather sleep with that than sleep with you slamming the door after screaming at me."
It works. The anger seems to vanish from his face. He smiles again, that old Sebastian smile that used to make me feel strangely queasy inside. "Why're you being so goddamn perfect tonight, Kathryn?"
"Mhmm." I close my eyes and fail to answer.
He nuzzles my neck. He kisses my earlobe.
"Okay, I'm letting it go." He whispers and I only grunt in response. "We'll deal with everything else tomorrow."
"Sounds good."
Lights off. The ache of losing Conner, my oldest and most trusted friend and sometimes lover, alleviates a bit as soon as Sebastian wraps his arms around me. Strange, really. If I didn't know any better, I could have said we were both still seventeen.
A/N: No, this isn't another dream. Same big thank you to everybody for putting up with this. Before you get all anxious, I'm not planning to add another major character. Ian's just a minor one. Mkay? Great.