A/N: Thanks for all your reviews!!!! With each chapter I'm amazed again how many people read my story - and how many like it ;-)
This chapter is written differently than the others. Instead of describing how Catherine and Sara fill out the questionnaires I just post the filled out questionnaire. Chapter 36
Catherine's answers:
This form is about yourself: Try to answer the questions truthfully and if possible elaborate upon them.
1. Question:
What is/are your greatest dream(s)?
Answer:
One day I want to have a normal happy family again. I want a partner, maybe even husband, who really loves me and above all my daughter. I dream about a man who respects me and accepts my job. Someone who can be father for Lindsey. Since Eddie's death, a male, reliable, role model is missing in her life. I think she needs a father as much as I need a strong shoulder to lean on after a hard shift or someone to spend my nights off with.
2. Question:
What is/are your greatest fear(s)?
Answer:
My greatest fear is that something happens to my baby. That would be the worst thing ever. Even if we don't get along so well at the moment, Lindsey is my life. It would be devastating if I lost her. I don't think I could go on without her.
Another fear, which is constantly on my mind, is that something happens to me. That I die in the line of duty and leave my daughter as an orphan. She has already lost her father and if I'm gone too, she would be alone in this world.
3. Question:
How do you think your co-workers see you?
Answer:
I think they respect me – at least most of them. I know that the ones I work closely with do. They trust me. That's at least what I hope. I guess it took them a while and some people still have trouble seeing me as a CSI who deserved her position instead of an ex-stripper who slept her way up. But they don't matter to me. The ones that matter are my co-workers from graveyard shift and I know they respect me. We are all like a big family. From time to time our family is a little bit dysfunctional, but mostly we are doing okay.
4. Question:
How do you think your family sees you?
Answer:
Actually I fear that most of the time my co-workers have a better opinion about me than my own family. My job is demanding. I have to do a lot of overtime and I have unusual working hours. I'm very aware of that, but my mother always has to remind me of it. In her eyes I'm a bad mother because I never have time for Lindsey. That's not true. I probably don't have as much time as I want to, but I would spend every free minute with my daughter – if she would let me.
In her eyes I'm probably the worst mother ever. I'm hardly home and I forbid her a lot of things her friends are allowed to do. But that's just because I love her and I want to protect her. I see every day what people do to innocent children if they get a chance – Lindsey just won't understand that.
5. Question:
What is your best characteristic?
Answer:
I'm a good listener. I have always an open ear if my friends need me.
6. Question:
What is your worst characteristic?
Answer:
I think I have problems with admitting that I was wrong about something. And I don't really like it if someone tells me he was right and I was wrong. I guess I can get really bitchy then.
7. Question:
Why do you do your job?
Answer:
I try to tell myself that I make the world a little bit safer every night. Maybe one day I won't have to worry about Lindsey running around Vegas at night. I know that is idealistic, but it's what keeps me going.
I guess the thing that made me start this job in the beginning was the fact that I love puzzles. I still do.
8. Question:
Are you a team player? What role do you have in your team at work?
Answer:
Yes, I'm a team player. I love working in a good team. Most crime scenes are more comfortable or less scary when you have a friend there with you. I really don't like working alone.
If I look at the graveyard shift I think I'm kind of the mother of the team. I really like this role.
9. Question:
If you could change something in your past what would that be and would you do it?
Answer:
I know I made a lot mistakes in my life, but everyone does. I don't think anyone can call himself or herself perfect. But I wouldn't want to change anything. The mistakes I made, the experiences I collected, they made me who I am today. We learn from everything that happens to us – some things are good, some are bad. But they influence our life. Looking at where I stand today in my life, I wouldn't want to change that. I always believed in the phrase: Never doubt, never look back.
10. Question:
What does the word friendship mean to you?
Answer:
Friendship means a lot of things. Its two people spending time together. Two people who can rely on each other. Two people who trust each other. Two people who are comfortable sharing whatever is on their mind. Friendship means having someone to call in the middle of night when you feel like it, knowing that the other one won't mind. It means having someone to share secrets with, to share sorrows. It means to have someone you can yell at, but later when you apologize everything is okay again. It means to have someone who tells you what they think, whether you like it or not. It means to have someone who tells you the truth, even if it's unpleasant. Friends can talk for hours about everything. Friends give each other a hug, when the other one needs comfort. All that and more.
11. Question:
What do you expect from this seminar?
Answer:
When I first heard about this seminar, I just wanted to be Sara's friend. We've been getting along lately and I wanted to pursue this friendship, because I really miss having a female confident. Of course I also hoped that this seminar would save Sara's job. Since I've learned about Sara's life, I don't just want to be her friend. I want to help her. Help her to put her life back together. Help her deal with her problems. Of course this is all part of being a friend, but I think Sara needs more than just a normal friend. I guess I started rambling now, so I better stop.
If I get the chance, I want to sort out some of my own problems. There are quite a few. Especially the relationship with my daughter is critical lately. A few tips how to deal with her would be helpful too.
This form is about your co-worker, who attends this seminar with you: Try to answer the questions truthfully and if possible elaborate upon them.
1. Question:
What do you think your co-worker thinks about you?
Answer:
I think in the beginning Sara wanted to be my friend. She tried to be nice and all, but somehow I just couldn't stand her. I always shot her down with some nasty remarks and soon she started to play that game with me. I think there were times when she truly hated me, e.g. when I got the lead in a case she wanted or when I pulled rank on her or simply the way I treated her most of the time.
Lately we have been getting along. I really don't know what changed. I don't think I did. I think Sara changed. She became more passive, more distant, more quiet. She wasn't fighting back anymore. I guess that was when I realized that I had really hurt her a few times and that our behavior was childish, so I stopped too. Since then we've been getting along well. No arguments anymore. It even seemed as if she wanted a close friendship. When we arrived here we both wanted that.
But since the thing with Albert happened everything has changed. I think she's really mad at me. No – she hates me to a certain extent, because I know all those things about her and I guess she's afraid of me because of that.
Well, I think she has a right to hate me. I wasn't really helping yesterday. Even if I honestly tried!
I know that she trusted me to a certain extent before we came here and that's all gone now. I honestly don't know if that can be rebuilt. I hope so. I really do. I don't want her to hate me or be scared of me …
2. Question:
Do you envy your co-worker for something?
Answer:
Her age and her beauty. She doesn't need to dress up or wear a lot of makeup to look good. With her it comes naturally – and everyone in the lab knows that. And she is so smart. I mean she went to Harvard. What did I do? I was a dancer and went to night school in Vegas to become a CSI. That's probably why I couldn't stand her in the beginning. She was everything I wasn't: Young, beautiful and intelligent. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't think I look good. I know I do look good for my age, but she is younger than me and got the best education. Furthermore I was the only woman on graveyard shift until she showed up and suddenly there was someone who threatened to take my place. Now I know that were never her intentions, but my insecurities got the best of me at that time.
To a certain extent I still envy those things, but today I know that I would never want to switch my life with hers. I know that my own life wasn't always easy, but no one deserves such a life as Sara had.
3. Question:
What is the worst memory you have about you and your co-worker? What incident would you rather erase from everyone's memory?
Answer:
I think there are two incidents I'd rather forget, because I know they did a lot of damage to our relationship. The first one happened when Eddie was murdered. Sara got the case and she wasn't able to solve it. It wasn't her fault – I know that now. Sometimes we just don't have enough evidence. It happens - but I was so pissed that it happened to me. I treated her like shit during that case. I did not just attack her personally (like I normally did), I became super bitch and questioned her qualities as a CSI. And I know that this did a lot more damage than everything I'd ever said to her before. The job always seemed to be everything for her – and I practically told her that she sucked at it. I was angry at that time. I don't know at whom. Definitely not at Sara, but she was the one I blew off. I was angry that Eddie was dead, that he was leaving his little girl without a father. I was angry that he put Lindsey into danger. I was angry at his girlfriend because she didn't even try to save my daughter. And then I exploded. Sara probably knew all that – that I was just mad – because she didn't snap back at me. But I saw the pain in her eyes – pain I caused. That's something I'd like to take back.
The other thing I'm not proud of is my behavior during the Melton case, the case over which Sara got suspended and almost fired. She took the case personally – like so often before. Now, I understand exactly why, but then I didn't. She lost it with a suspect, with me, and with Ecklie. And I did nothing. Well, let me correct that, I was on Ecklie's side. I wanted to get her fired, because I had the opinion that no one had the right to talk to me like that. It's really sad. I was a supervisor at that time – and that incident didn't exactly highlight my leadership abilities. Actually I failed badly that day. I was the lead on the case. I was the superior. I was the more experienced one. I should have handled the situation differently. I should have talked to Sara in private or something like that. At least I should have supported her in front of Ecklie – but I did nothing like that. I'm glad that Gil was there for her at that time and that she had a close and caring friend with Greg.
4. Question:
What is the nicest memory you have about you and your co-worker?
Answer:
I fear there don't exist many of those memories, considering that we were always just co-workers and never really friends. We hardly socialized outside of work. When we went out for drinks it was usually with the rest of the team. But I remember that one night when we got a beer together. It was after she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. Technically her boyfriend had a girlfriend and was cheating on her with Sara. It's no surprise that she was down. So I took her out for a beer. That one beer turned into many more and if you would have seen us that morning you'd probably thought we were real close friends. It was the first time Sara opened up to me about something. I really cherish that moment. It felt nice. I hope more like that will come.
5. Question:
What is/are the best characteristic(s) of your co-worker?
Answer:
Her enthusiasm for work. The determination with which she approaches cases. That fire in her eyes when we have a new clue in an otherwise cold case. She never gives up. When justice needs to be found she forgets everything else. She works for hours – days – without sleep. Nothing matters other than the case and the victim. I admire that.
6. Question:
What is/are the worst characteristic(s) of your co-worker?
Answer:
Her social skills! They hardly exist. Now I know what made her the way she is, but I was wondering for years. She is always distant, always living in her own world. And this behavior had gotten worse lately. She is the silent type - not one for small talk. I think she never really learned how to do that – talking I mean. She doesn't like to be touched. No surprise with a history of abuse like she has. She doesn't know how to take a compliment, probably because she never got them when she was younger. She doesn't like to go out with us anymore. She is a lone wolf.
I think her poor choice in men can be attributed to that, too. I know her for seven years and in all that time she was just dating that paramedic who cheated on her and she always had a thing for Grissom. Actually I don't know what's worse. Don't get me wrong. Gil Grissom is one of my best friends, but he is even worse than Sara when it comes to human interaction. I know that he had feelings for her, but he was just too afraid to act on them. I guess in a way he broke her heart more than once. What that has to do with Sara's bad characteristics? I think she chooses men who are unreachable for her, so she can go after them without making any commitments. Considering that you are the psychologist I'm sure you have a better explanation.
7. Question:
Why do you think your co-worker does his / her job?
Answer:
If you would have asked me that before this seminar, I would have said that she just wanted to help people – bring justice to them.
Now, after all I know about her, I think she wants to give others the justice she never got. I think she wants to save others because no one ever saved her.
A/N: What do you think??? Good? Bad? Unusual? ;-)