One week and another update…that's definitely faster than normal lately. :) Thank you to everyone who reviewed!

So, the final part of this chapter was written over two years ago. It's a little hard to believe I'm finally posting it. It's actually the first part of the story I wrote, so in my mind, everything has been leading up to it. Maybe that's just me being crazy, but hey, two years is a long time! And, it only took 220 pages to get to it. For anyone interested, I can tell you the exact lines this story started with. I also chose the lyrics for this chapter a long time ago. It's a beautiful song and I highly recommend listening to it. Yes, it's by Disturbed, but it's not their normal style.

And, onwards…

X X X

Don't turn away
I pray you've heard
The words I've spoken
Dare to believe
Over one last time

~~Disturbed—Darkness

X X X

I paced the short length of my room, fuming. I didn't want to believe my friends could do this to me, but I really wasn't that surprised. Over the past few days I'd become more and more sure that Steve and Two-Bit had been helping Darry watch me. It had seemed like too big of a coincidence that Two-Bit's sister had a birthday party and Evie's mom was sick on the only days Darry had actually bothered to go to bed. I hated the idea of even just Darry keeping watch, but I'd been too scared of what he'd say if I called him out on it. Besides, I knew he couldn't watch me around the clock, so I'd bit my tongue and tried to ignore it. But knowing that Steve and Two-Bit had been in on it, that they'd practically been holding me hostage, was too much.

"That was before, Soda. This wasn't just some little white lie. You can't honestly think we'd just forget about it and move on."

Steve's words echoed in my head and I closed my eyes, trying to block them out. My own best friend didn't trust me. Nothing I said or did at this point mattered. No one believed me when I said they didn't need to worry. To them, I was just a ticking bomb that could go off at any time.

I opened my eyes, looking for something, anything, to attack. Immediately, my gaze landed on the window; it only took a second for me to make my decision. Everyone had made it pretty damn clear that they had no faith in me, so what was there left to lose?

I slid the window open and lifted one leg over, careful not to make a sound. After checking that no one was around, I brought my other leg over and dropped the last foot to the ground. I'd never snuck out before. Mom and Dad had always been fairly easygoing and when they had died, I'd been too old for Darry to have much say in my social life. A bitter laugh escaped me as I realized that I'd had all the freedom I'd wanted as a kid and it was only as a grown adult that I was sneaking out.

Rage fueled the first few blocks as I walked as fast as I could away from my house. What right did they have to keep me trapped in my own home, only letting me out if they were with me? Some small part of my mind knew that they meant well, but I didn't care. Most days, it took every last ounce of energy I had to keep the memories of what happened at bay, and even when I tried my hardest, it never completely worked. All it took was one small reminder, one tiny slip up on my part, and everything would come crashing back. It knocked the breath out of me every single time. It didn't matter what Steve's and Two-Bit's intentions were; I couldn't cope with having my every move watched.

I turned a corner and shivered as the wind suddenly whipped against my face. I crossed my arms across my chest, trying to keep myself warm. I was still in my DX uniform and the cold was piercing my bare arms. Grabbing a sweater before I'd left would've been a great idea, but I'd been too upset to think much about practicalities.

Looking around, I spotted a coffee shop across the street and quickly hurried over to it. It was the perfect spot to hide out for a while until I felt ready to deal with everyone again. I found a booth in the back corner and settled in, rubbing my hands in an effort to warm them up.

"Can I get ya something?"

I jumped in surprise; I hadn't realized anyone had even noticed me come in. A young waitress was standing next to the table, snapping her gum as she impatiently waited for me to respond. "Uh—I'll take a hot chocolate," I said, ordering the first drink that popped into my head. She walked off without a word, returning a minute later with the steaming drink.

As I wrapped my hands around the mug, I felt myself start to relax. When I was a kid, Mom had always made me hot chocolate whenever I was upset about something. It didn't matter if it was the middle of the worst heat wave in history, it had always made me feel better. The restaurant hot chocolate tasted different, and especially with Mom gone it wasn't the same, but it still felt good.

"Hi, Soda."

My drink spilled as I jumped for the second time and I muttered a curse as my hand burned from the hot liquid. I quickly pulled some napkins out of the dispenser on the table and wiped off my hand before turning to glare at the newcomer. I froze when I saw who it was.

"I'm sorry, Soda," Rose apologized. "Is your hand okay?"

It took me a minute to recover from the shock of seeing her, but I managed a nod.

"How's your drink? Do you need a new one?"

Still stunned, I just shook my head. Rose's smile dropped.

"Are you okay, Hon? I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to scare you."

I tightened my hold on the mug, letting it calm my nerves, and finally managed to speak. "It's okay, Rose. I don't mind."

She studied me and, apparently satisfied that I was telling the truth, her smile returned. "Can I sit down?"

"Uh, yeah, of course," I stammered, nodding. I wasn't really sure what to say to her, but it felt good to see her again. It had only been a few days since I'd left the hospital, but it felt like half a lifetime had passed.

"How are you?" she asked once she had settled in. It was such a normal question, but she meant so much more by it than most people. I wanted to lie to her and tell her I was doing good, that things were turning around now that I was back home, but I couldn't do it. She'd see right through it, anyway. When I didn't answer, she reached across the table and squeezed my hand. "Soda?"

I stared down at my hot chocolate, wishing I could find it as comforting as I had a few minutes ago. She waited for an answer, squeezing my hand again when I didn't say anything. "Horrible," I finally admitted. "My little brother hates me. Nobody trusts me. They've been taking turns watching me to make sure I don't do anything stupid."

"They need some time to deal with everything," Rose said quietly.

"I know. But do they need to be hovering over me every second of the day?"

"Where are they now?" She glanced around the small room before turning back to me. I looked back down at the table, knowing she wasn't going to like what I said next.

"They're not here. I took off."

Rose sighed and shook her head. "Oh, Soda. You know you probably only made things worse."

I nodded and swallowed hard against the lump forming in my throat. "I know, but I couldn't stand it anymore. I just needed a break."

She leaned forward. "And that's all you were planning on, right? Just a break?"

My eyes widened at her suggestion. "I wasn't gonna do anything! Why doesn't anyone believe that it was a mistake?"

"It's okay, Hon," she soothed, taking my hand in hers again. "I believe you. I just need to make sure."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling bad for yelling at her. She was one of the only people who wasn't furious with me, and even though I barely knew her, I didn't want to lose her, too.

She gave me a smile and shook her head. "Don't be sorry. I understand, Soda."

I pulled my hand back and turned it over, examining the scars that circled my wrist. Most of them, the ones that were etched permanently into my mind, looked identical. Now, though, there was one on each wrist that was different, longer and thinner than the rest. I'd spent countless hours in the past week studying them, trying to figure out why they were there, and I was still at a loss. I knew why I'd used that knife; the memories had overwhelmed me, plain and simple. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn't understand why I had let them take over, why I hadn't fought harder to stay in control.

"No offense, Rose, but you don't understand." I looked back up at her and shrugged helplessly. "I don't even understand."

"Three months is a long time," she said gently. "I've read your file. I know what happened to you. No one expects you to just be okay after that."

"You're right," I agreed. "Three months is a long time. It's how long I was there for, but it's also how long I've been back. Shouldn't I start to feel better by now?"

"No, you shouldn't."

I stared at her in disbelief, more than a little surprised by her answer. "No? So what, I'm supposed to feel this way forever?"

She shook her head. "Of course not. But I'm not surprised that you feel just as awful as when you got home."

She was silent, watching me. Sighing, I decided to take the bait. "Why not?"

"Have you talked to anyone about what happened?" she asked.

I groaned as I realized where this was going. "I talked to Dr. Wilson. For all the good it did," I muttered.

"No, you didn't talk to him."

I frowned at her, now completely confused. "What? Yes, I did. You said you read my file, Rose, so you know I talked to him."

"No, Soda," she sighed. "You didn't talk to him. You told him exactly the minimum you needed to at the time. I'm talking about a real conversation with someone you trust."

Understanding now what she was getting at, I looked back down at the table. "No. I told Steve about the fan belt, and I told Darry that they used rope, but that's it."

"And why haven't you told them more?" she prodded.

Still keeping my eyes locked on the table, I shrugged. "I didn't want them to know."

"Why not?"

I shrugged again, avoiding the question.

"Look, I can take some guesses about why you haven't told them, but no matter what your reasons are, it doesn't change what it's doing. Soda, the men who did this to you may be dead, but they still have all the power, and you're the one giving it to them. It has to stop."

The world seemed to spin as I realized she was right. When I'd been in the prison I'd been helpless and I hadn't stopped feeling that way even once I was home, but never once in all this time had it occurred to me that it was my own fault.

"Soda, you need to talk to someone," Rose insisted. Her voice was full of concern and I felt hot tears start to fall down my cheeks at her words. I wasn't sure I was ready to tell the gang everything. I tried so hard every day to forget what had happened; I didn't want to relive it all.

The tears continued to fall, blurring my vision, and I quickly stood up and stumbled out of the booth. "I've gotta go," I mumbled.

I heard her calling after me, even once I was out of the restaurant. I wasn't the fastest runner around, but Rose was older and it didn't take long before I couldn't hear her anymore. Once I was a couple blocks away, I slowed down, breathing hard. I wiped at my face, trying to get rid of the tears. It didn't make me feel any better. I couldn't get Rose's words out of my head and no matter how much I hated it, she was right. I was letting them win.

I had to tell someone, but I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do it.

X X X

I stared at the empty room in shock. Soda had actually left. He'd taken off and we didn't have the first clue where he could be. A ball of lead seemed to land in my stomach as scenarios started to run through my mind. If Soda tried something while he was gone, we didn't have any chance of saving him. He'd messed up the first time, and if he really wanted to hurt himself, he'd be sure not to make any mistakes a second time.

Steve ran out of the room and headed for the front door. Two-Bit immediately took off after him and blocked his path. "We've gotta go after him, Two-Bit!" Steve cried, trying to push is way past our friend.

"There's no point, Steve," I sighed. He turned to me and glared.

"So you're just going to let him wander around by himself and hope he comes back home?" he asked incredulously.

"I don't like it anymore than you do," I snapped. "But, it's been two hours since he went into his room. He probably left right away. He could be anywhere by now."

"He's right, Steve," Two-Bit agreed. "There's no way we're gonna find him unless he wants to be found."

"Well, what if he does?" Steve persisted. "Maybe he's waiting for us to come after him."

"You know that's not true."

Steve sighed and rubbed his face. "Yeah, you're right." He crossed the few steps to the couch and sunk down. "I can't believe he'd pull this."

"I can," I disagreed as Two-Bit and I joined him.

"You can?" Steve asked in surprise.

"Yeah. He's fought us on everything we've tried to do. Running is the only way he can make us stop watching him. I just wish I'd thought about it sooner and nailed his window shut."

Steve smirked at me. "He'd have figured out another way to do it."

"Steve's right," Two-Bit agreed. "We couldn't keep it up forever."

"I'm sorry, Dare," Steve sighed. "We should've gone after him as soon as he went into his room. If anything happens…"

"Don't, Steve," I said sharply. "We're all exhausted. I'm not surprised Soda took off, but I don't think I would've thought of it in time, either. It's not your fault."

He didn't say anything, but I knew he didn't believe me. There was nothing else I could say to make him feel better, though, and I was too tired to try, anyway. I wanted to go after Soda just as much as he did, but Tulsa was too big and Soda was smart enough to stay hidden. Instead, I watched the minutes tick by on the clock and tried not to think about what would happen if Soda didn't show up. We took turns checking his room in case he tried to sneak back in, but it was empty every time. At one point the phone rang, breaking through the thick silence and making us all jump. My hand was sweaty as I picked it up, praying it wasn't the hospital telling us Soda had been brought in, but it turned out to be Two-Bit's mom. She had to leave for work and wanted him home to watch his sister.

After Two-Bit left, Steve and I continued to wait in silence. When another hour had passed and Soda still hadn't come back, I started to wonder if Steve was right and we should go looking for him. Maybe we'd get lucky, though recent months sure didn't make me have much faith in that. Finally, at a little after eight, the front door creaked open and Soda stepped inside.

"I'll let Two-Bit know he's okay," Steve said, immediately standing up and pushing his way past Sodapop and out the front door. I had a feeling it was the only way he could stop himself from blowing up.

Soda winced as the door slammed and met my eyes fearfully, probably expecting a similar reaction.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

I closed my eyes for a second in an effort to keep myself calm. "Do you have any idea how worried we all were, Soda?" I asked, my voice low.

He nodded and looked down at the floor. "I know. I'm sorry," he repeated.

"Sorry ain't gonna cut it, Soda!" I yelled, all my earlier understanding disappearing. "Where the hell were you?"

"Does it really matter?" he asked, meeting my eyes again. I could see the exhaustion in them, but I didn't care. After what he'd pulled tonight, he was going to have to deal with me whether he wanted to or not.

"You're right, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you weren't here, where you were supposed to be."

"Where I was supposed to be?" he asked, anger seeping into his voice. "I'm nineteen, Darry! I'm not supposed to be anywhere!"

"Like hell you're not. Ever since you've gotten back you've been acting like a child, so why shouldn't we treat you like one?"

He glared at me furiously before stalking past me, heading for his room. I grabbed his shoulder, not ready to let him off the hook yet. He wrenched himself away from my hand and whirled around to face me.

"Don't touch me! I—I can't—" He ran his hands through his hair and bowed his head. "I just…" He faltered and my frustration peaked.

"You just what? You'll try to kill yourself again?" I spat the words at him. I couldn't help it. I was just so angry. His head jerked up and I saw his stunned, hurt face, but I kept going. "You were so selfish, Soda! We went through hell, thinking you were gone! Every night you were missing I dreamt of your body lying mangled somewhere in the jungle. Every night I dreamt of a different way you might've died. And then we got you back, and you were going to just snatch that away from us?"

He paused, taken aback by my confession, but only for a minute. "You don't know what it was like, Darry!"

"Then tell me!" I screamed back. Soda let out a strangled sob. He covered his mouth with his hand, shaking his head. I pushed on, more gently now. "Soda, you've been shutting us out for months. I can't help you if I don't know what happened."

Soda backed towards the wall like a cornered animal. I kept my distance, trying to show him he was safe now. When he reached the wall, he slid down it and sat with his knees curled up to his chest. I cautiously moved forward, making sure he wasn't going to panic, and sat on the floor facing him. I waited, letting him decide when he was ready to talk and hoping that he would at all. After a long time, he began.

"There was this one guard there," he whispered, staring at a spot on the floor. "He was stationed outside my cell when they took me there. I noticed him right away cause he was looking at me funny. I wasn't sure what it was then…I was too scared to think straight…but I realized later it was…lust." He spat this last word out with disgust and I felt a shiver run down my spine. This couldn't be heading where I thought it was.

"They beat me right when I got in the cell—kicked me. They dislocated my arm—for the first time," he added as an afterthought. I knew bits of this already. Soda hadn't shared much, but it hadn't been hard to figure out his arms had been dislocated at some point.

"That first night, the guard that had looked at me came into my cell. I thought he was gonna hit me, like the others had, and I just lay there. I didn't see the point in fighting back." Soda was still staring at the floor, but I could tell he wasn't really seeing it. His eyes were distant, reliving what had happened to him. "When the blow didn't come, I was surprised. I was even more surprised when I felt his hand on my face." Soda shuddered at the memory. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to let him know I was there for him, but I didn't want to spook him. "I didn't like him touching me and I tried to back away, but he held me down. I was sore and I was hungry. I didn't have the energy to fight very hard. He started pulling my shirt off. It hurt cause of my arm and I remember crying out. He musta liked that or something cause he...he kissed me."

Soda stumbled on his words and let out another sob. I risked moving my hand to his shoulder, trying to tell him that he didn't have to keep going. I could figure out the rest. He recoiled against my hand and I pulled it back. "It's okay, Soda," I said gently. "You can stop."

He finally met my eyes and the pain and terror I saw in them was worse than I could even begin to understand. "Darry, it hurt so much!" Soda's voice broke as he looked at me helplessly. I moved next to him against the wall and pulled him close to me, wrapping him in my arms. Now he let me touch him, hold him, and he broke down sobbing against me. "Help me, Darry. Please." His voice was tiny, smaller than I'd ever heard it. "I don't wanna hurt myself again. Please help me."

"Shh, it's okay, Soda," I whispered. "We'll help you. It's over now; you're home and you're safe. No one's going to hurt you anymore. We'll help you through this." Soda clung to me fiercely and I held him back just as tightly, not daring to let go.

X X X

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