Derek watched Meredith walk away clearly upset and he fought the urge to chase after her. Suddenly at the thought of her upset sent his insides boiling. "Don't you dare talk to her like that!" His words were poignant.
Mark blew out a frustrated breath and then hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry...I just...don't even know what the hell I'm doing." "Do you ever know what you're doing? Coming here at 3 in the morning...really?" Groaning, Mark launched himself to his feet.
"I'm sorry, I had to get out. Don't act like you don't understand!" Mark walked the length of the room, the anger radiating off his body. "I really don't understand Mark, Meredith lied to me, she hid something from me for weeks, I didn't just storm out because she was pregnant. This is nothing like me and Meredith."
Anger was creeping into Derek's voice by the minute. He couldn't stand the fact taht he had walked away from Meredith when she needed him the most. He couldn't handle the fact that Mark's situation almost parallel his. And...as his thoughts drifted back to how Meredith had shut him out and betrayed him, he couldn't help but have a sudden surge of bitterness towards her.
Mark's issues were suddenly eating away at Derek's own issues. "Addison and I agreed to have one child. Peyton was it. We decided it was best for us. Instead of just telling me she wanted something different...she went..and got pregnant on purpose. How is that not betraying me? She...how could she do that?"
Mark paused, and his features changed dramatically. His once angry lines that were painted across his forehead had been erased only to be replaced by sadness. Realizing Mark's moment of vulnerability, Derek's own features changed and relaxed. Sitting down in his chair once again he eyed Mark, suddenly feeling bad for his friend.
"She shouldn't have done that...I agree, but is another baby such a horrible thing? I know you're not that insensitive." Mark shook his head in frustration. "You don't get it! You've always wanted children, you've always wanted the white picket fence and a baseball team of kids. You and Ava had this bond...you're her whole world. Me and Peyton, we coexist...but that's it. I love her, but we don't connect the same as you and Ava."
Derek sat, staring at his friend, not really being able to comprehend it all. "She's 4 months old Mark...she doesn't really connect with anything." Even as Derek said the words he realized how stupid they sounded. He could still remember the first time he held Ava, her crystal blue eyes gazed into his and they had an instant bond. Mark was different, less open and nurturing...but he was still a wonderful dad.
Mark was getting frustrated. His friend wasn't getting him, they just weren't understanding each other. "Derek, you're father material. I'm not. I'm chief of surgery...I spend 16 hours a day at the hospital. Where the hell does another baby fit into that? You always make things work. I don't think I can."
Angry lines erupted across Derek's forehead in response. "Make it work?!" He spat. You think I made it work? I practically missed the last year of Ava's life and my marriage...you think that's making it work? You think that makes me father of the year?" Derek felt suddenly sick to his stomach at the thought and averted his eyes.
Mark watched him contemplating his friends words before hurling off the couch. "You're right. We're both screw up's. I shouldn't be here..Meredith doesn't need this. I'm gonna stay at the hospital." Derek watched him walk out of the living room in a frantic pace.
"Mark.." Derek groaned and went to catch up to him. "You don't need to be at the hospital right now. You can stay here." Mark stopped and turned to face him. "No..Meredith will kill you." "You and Addison let me stay...when I needed...when I couldn't be here. I think you need to go home, but I understand. I get why you can't."
Meredith stared into the black abyss that enveloped the backyard. From her position on the balcony she could almost make out the dim edge of the lake which glistened motionlessly under the moon light.
She heard him approach, heard him close the large French door and pad over to her, but still she didn't look away from the endless horizon. The sudden crisp fall air sent a chill down Derek's spine. The insanity of the night was finally taking it's toll on his tired body.
It was 4 AM, he had to be at work in less than 4 hours...and there he was, standing on his balcony watching his wife sink deep into her own menacing thoughts. "I couldn't sleep." Came her matter of fact voice, giving him the answer to his unspoken question.
He nodded, though she couldn't see him. "It's cold out here, you should come in." He told her, hesitantly. He couldn't hover...couldn't fuss over her constantly. But, how could he not? How could he not be concerned that Meredith was staring off into space in nothing more than a t-shirt on their upstairs balcony.
If he stopped worrying, stopped hovering, he'd be an absent husband. Yet if he did just the opposite...she'd close up and slip out of his grasp. It was a no win situation. Stuck...like glue. Walking the ever changing line Meredith keeps drawn.
It's something marriage should have fixed, or at least he thought so. It bothered him to think something so small and trivial was still plaguing their relationship nearly 5 years later. Then again, perhaps it was a detail that had fallen through the cracks. Hidden, underneath the surface, just waiting to be exposed when the bigger problems came out. Maybe, it wasn't so small of a problem after all.
Her voice brought him back to life, kept him from drifting off into his own world of self loathing. "Remember when we first moved in? We'd just sit...and watch the sunrise over the lake?" She was whispering, though they lived in the middle of no where. For some reason, they were both unconsciously trying to preserve the tranquility that was the night.
"Hmmm" He half hummed, half moaned. It was his trademark sound. Something she always had to be uniquely Derek. With one throaty sound he could display more emotions than any words ever could.
He approached her, until he was directly behind her. He didn't want to touch her, he wanted to let her have her peaceful moment. He smiled at his old, worn, college T-Shirt she wore. It was the only thing that seemed to fit her ever expanding form.
"We haven't watched the sun rise in a long time." He stated, knowing he didn't really need to say it. Knowing...he hadn't been around to watch his own family change let alone the sun rise.
"No, no we haven't." He sighed at her saddened response and took several moments to focus his own gaze on his tranquil land. The sky was a dark shade of indigo now, preparing for the upcoming light. The mist off the lake was just barely visible..and just beyond the balcony, a baby deer picked at the grass. Quiet, alone, hidden under the cloak of night.
She felt the rush of cold air hit her as he walked away. The door closed behind him, and she was left staring off into the night. A familiar emptiness crept back into her limbs, threatening to overtake her body.
The door slid open once again, sending a shrill creak piercing through the air. The deer ran, startled, afraid...without looking back. She heard him pull up a chair, heard the squeak of metal against steel.
"What are you doing?" She asked turning to face him. He was sitting facing her with a large throw blanket on his lap. In silence, he motioned for her to come and closer, and she did, unable to resist the comfort in his eyes.
The empty ache was slowly disappearing as she sat in his lap. He adjusted himself, still not used to her pregnant body, but not in the least annoyed by it. He wrapped the blanket around her, her own body heat keeping him warm. He let his hands drift to her abdomen where he rested them. "We're watching the sun rise." He finally responded, wrapping his arms tighter around her when she shivered. She shivered not out of being cold, but out of the sheer loving tone of his voice.
Minutes later the deer reappeared. Hesitant, it paused looking up at the balcony. Behind it their was a rustling and out came it's mother, large, loving, protecting...unafraid. They continued eating, safe, silent and no longer alone.
"Mark's going to stay a few days..." Derek started...and stopped not knowing what else to say. "He should go home, but he just...needs some time." Meredith nodded, and snuggled her head into his chest. "Derek..." She started, but he interrupted her, shushing her, not giving her time to yell. "Shhh. I didn't leave you because I found out you were pregnant...I walked away because I was mad at you for lying to me. I was confused and hurt and just needed...some space to figure things out. I don't agree with what Mark did, but I understand...I get his need to get away."
Meredith listened, before twisting her head uncomfortably towards him and locking eyes with his. He could see the raw emotion lying there, just waiting to break out. But she smiled, and surprised him by snuggling in deeper, not really wanting to discuss their fight again.
"Ok...but you're calling Addison to tell her. I know...how...I just...know she's worried." Derek smiled at her concern for his ex wife and then frowned at understanding how upset Meredith had been the night he walked out.
They sat in silence, watching the sun peak out of the eastern sky. The birds chirped signaling it's arrival and suddenly the dark, endless...night turned to light. A vibrant pallet of bright pink and blue streaked across the sky as everything seemed to jump to life.
They were both awake, Meredith had dozed off a few times, but Derek had stayed awake, content to sit with his wife...content to share something with her. "Caroline." He whispered into her hair. Caroline? She turned, confused...thinking he was calling her some other woman's name. Recognizing the flash of panic in her eyes shifted her on his lap so he could have better access to her face.
"The girl with the head trauma from falling off the balcony...you operated on...remember? Her name was Caroline." Meredith looked at him, not understanding why he was bringing it up.
"I like the name, Caroline. I'd like to name one of the babies that." Meredith eyes sparkled at his words, touched by his suggestion. He hadn't really picked any girls names for Ava. He was convinced it was a boy. Names weren't really his thing. They hadn't really discussed names...hadn't really discussed the twins much at all.
"Caroline...It's beautiful." She sighed, happily and turned back around so she was facing away from her. She moved his hand over her belly and he rubbed it, feeling the babies move inside of her. "She must like her name...this is the most I've ever felt them move."
He smiled at that, glad he got the chance to feel it for himself. "Of course, they are going to fight over the name now." He replied, watching as the last of the mist burned off the lake. "We'll have to find another one just as beautiful." She nodded. Content. Happy...comforted.