CHAPTER 38

Time meant nothing, as the rain soaked through my ruined clothing and chased away the lingering scent of the girl who ran away. The cold wetness showered over me, rinsing clean the rage, and left its bitter sibling- resentment- in its wake. I didn't know who to be more angry with… the thugs that destroyed the evening for Bella and I… or myself- for taking advantage of her naiveté and giving her such a graphic insight to who I really was, in the worst possible scenario. The only thing I could have done to be more horrific in that situation, would have been to actually rip the throats from our would-be attackers with my teeth. And I had come close.

I squeezed my eyes shut tight against the painful memory. Unforgivable. I had been barely able to suppress the myriad of emotions that had taken me by storm. And in my instability, I had nearly given in to my temptation for Bella's blood. She had seen the hunger on my face. She had recognized it for what it was. I knew- when I saw the terror in her eyes- that she finally understood the monster I had been hiding within.

I had never hated myself more.

But as I slowly stood, I was uncomfortably aware of a more persistent emotion swirling in the mist around me. Fear. I began walking, my feet picking up the pace as panic started to set in. A clock hanging above a corner-bank indicated that it was almost midnight –the witching hour- and I had no idea where Bella was. I didn't know if she was safe. I didn't know if she was hurt. I had sent her running into the night, and I silently prayed that she had made it to the hotel unscathed. I would never, never forgive myself if something happened to her because of me.

I flashed through the city when I could, slowing only when I detected pedestrians that were out late and might have noticed my passing. When I got near the hotel, I was forced to assume a human gait that set my nerves on edge. A late-night group from the convention inside stood drunkenly continuing their party, wearing obnoxious red-jackets. I scowled and moved between their bodies, repressing the urge to shove a few of them out of my way in my haste to get into the hotel. They didn't even seem to notice as my wet clothing brushed up against them. The miserably slow pace made me clench my jaw tightly as I moved forward. I needed to know if Bella had returned. She might have hated me. She might have been terrified of me. I'd make sure she was safe, and then I would go.

Finally I made it to the lobby. My destroyed suit dripped water onto the floor, and my wet hair hug heavy across my forehead as I kept my eyes trained downward. Only a few hotel staff members took notice. Thoughts of concern and pity were predominant. I tried to ignore their inner curiosity about my appearance, concentrating instead on the ghost-sound of Bella's wet tennis-shoes squishing along beside me with footsteps that matched mine. Had it only been this afternoon that we had traveled this route together- wet from our walk in the rain- breathless from laughing?

The card-key for our door had been in my stolen wallet. The lock, however, did not deter me. I twisted the metal doorknob in my grasp and shoved the wood above it with the heel of my hand- hearing the internal locking mechanism break as the door pushed inward.

The well-lit room greeted me with silence. I took a deep breath of relief. I was sure that the lights had been turned off when we left for the evening. Bella had returned. I sniffed the air warily. Bella's scent permeated the area, but it was weak.

Cautiously, I stepped into the suite, glancing left and right. I walked toward the master bedroom and knocked quietly against the partially open door.

"Bella?" I called. She didn't answer. So I pushed the door open with my fingertips.

The room was in no more disarray than it had been earlier. But Bella wasn't there. My eyes darted across the unmade bed, toward the bathroom door, and landed on the empty space on the carpet near the closet where her suitcase had once rested. It was gone.

I turned then, and hurried back through the rest of the suite. My eyes took in the details I had missed in my eagerness to find Bella safe in our room. The book that had been left on the sofa cushion… the bracelet that had rested near the lamp… even the laundry I had placed on the table earlier was devoid of Bella's items. And next to it, my car keys and valet ticket were gone as well.

Bella had been in the room alright- long enough for her to get her things and leave.

I slid my back down the wall until my legs were sprawled out on the floor in front of me. What had I done? I put my face into my hands and cursed every wrong decision I had made to bring me to this fate.

I could have wallowed in that misery for an indefinite amount of time. However, I still needed to see her with my own eyes. Bella didn't want to see me. That fact was obvious. She was anxious enough to be away from me, that she had stolen my car. But I wouldn't be at peace until I saw that she was truly safe.

I left the hotel. I walked away from everything. They could box up my possessions and mail them back to me, or burn them for all I cared. The room charges and fees for the broken lock could be placed on my credit card. None of it mattered. I ran through side-streets and back yards of slumbering residential areas until I reached the city limits. Then wooded areas allowed me to open up my body to the speed it was capable of, as I ran back home to Bella. It was disappointing that I couldn't find my usual peace while I soared through the darkness. I pushed myself, harder and faster, with only one goal in mind.

I actually returned to Hanover in less time than it would have taken an average traveler by car. Bella must have driven quickly, or she had quite the head-start, because my silver Volvo was parked in front of her apartment building. Tension left my body as I absorbed the fact that she had made it home, safely. The hood of my car was cool to the touch, indicating that she had been home for a while. She didn't sit around the suite waiting for me to return. She had been in a hurry.

As I passed the side of the car, the moonlight glinted off the keys that were still hanging in the ignition. Bella didn't care if someone stole my vehicle from its place by the curb. It was a significant clue that she didn't want me knocking on her door to retrieve my keys. She didn't want to see me, at all.

But I still wanted to see her.

Feeling remorseful for the liberty I was still not above taking, I walked around the corner of her building and looked up toward her window.

It was closed.

I am not sure how long I stood there, staring at her window with my hands clenched at my sides, itching to pull myself up and push that glass out of my way. Guilt kept my feet on the ground. Finally, with a heavy sigh, I dropped my head and turned to go.

My car started with a low-hum. Bella wouldn't have heard it from inside. She would assume that either I retrieved my car- or that it was stolen- only after she noticed it missing. I leaned my head against the headrest and breathed deeply. Bella's scent was in my car now. I felt the burn, and held it in my lungs as though I could keep a part of her with me. Then I turned the wheel away from the curb and drove home.

After parking the car in the garage, I reluctantly withdrew myself from the engulfing fragrance and walked into the house. Something was different. My nose twitched as I narrowed my eyes and looked around. My lips pressed together hard. Alice and Jasper had been in my house while I was gone. Thank God they hadn't stayed. I didn't want to see anyone.

I tossed my keys onto the counter and moved stonily through the rooms until I located the reason for their visit.

My piano adorned the great open area reserved for a dining room. Moonlight spilled in through the arched windows, and bathed it in a blue glow. I frowned. Jasper and Alice must have moved it in place while I was away, to surprise me.

When Carlisle had suggested that he and Esme would ship the piano to my home, I had actually been happy to accept the idea. I hadn't played a note on the thing since I had moved from Forks. I had lost all inspiration to create music.

Wednesday morning, I would have given anything to be able to sit and play the melody that had woven itself through my mind as I thought of Bella. Instead, I had let the music pour out onto paper, with the hopes of hearing it someday soon. Now- with her gone… the music had died once more. I twisted my lips into a sneer as I looked at the piano. It was useless to me. I almost wanted to throw the fucking thing through the wall.

Instead of retreating from the room, I walked to the bench and sat down. With my head bowed over the keys, I stared at the simple black and white lines before me until they blurred together in a static-image that meant nothing at all. I sat there. And I didn't move. I didn't blink. I didn't breathe. The silence wrapped around me like a blanket, and I huddled inside its sanctuary.

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

MONDAY

The rising and setting sun indicated the passage of days, as it threw my shadow upon the piano in front of me that I refused to touch. I knew that just one sound would break me, and force me out of the shell I had constructed to keep me numb.

Bella had come to visit me while I sat there. Not the Bella that had left me- the Bella of my darkest fantasies. My immortal Bella. Her white, gossamer gown was only slightly lighter than her pale, luminescent skin. The chocolate-brown color of her eyes was replaced by a warm, golden ochre that matched my own. She danced around the room gracefully, tempting me to feel the pain of imagining a future that I would never have. But because my mind craved the silence, my imagination gave her no voice.

I was so wrapped in my latest vision of her laying on the piano above me, that I cringed at the unexpected sound that broke the solitude from near the door. The fact that the words were not uttered out loud did not alter their impact.

Jesus, Edward. You look like hell.

I winced and looked up to see Alice step into the room, a frown on her face as she took in my appearance. I could see myself through her eyes, and had to agree with her assessment.

"Thanks," I muttered. My voice was raspy from lack of use.

"Do you hate me?" Alice sounded worried as she stepped into the room and moved closer to me. "I didn't see what would happen until Bella left the theatre in such a hurry. It changed everything. And there was no time for Jasper or I…" I closed my eyes wearily, ending her explanation.

"You aren't responsible for any of this. It's all… me."

"Well, that's not true," Alice insisted. "You can hardly be blamed for the direction things went."

"Oh really?" I looked back up at her then, my face twisted with self-derision.

"Under the circumstances," she continued, "I'd say you did quite well. Bella made it home safely. That was your primary concern."

"Yes." I couldn't argue with that part of her logic. She flitted across the room and began to open the windows behind me. A strong breeze blew the curtains inward, and they floated up and against the sides of my arms.

"I am not going to let you beat yourself up over this," Alice said with a determined voice. "You did the best you could. And to be honest- I have no idea how you have so much self-control. I don't even think Carlisle…"

"I don't want the praise," I cut her off sharply. "I could have killed her."

"But, you didn't," Alice remained determinedly optimistic. She finally moved to sit beside me on the piano bench. I had to move slightly, to give her room. It was the first time I had moved in days.

Alice turned her head and frowned again, raising her hand to smooth down my rumpled lapel. "You looked so handsome in this suit," she sighed. I tipped my head down and looked at the soiled and torn clothing I still wore. You need a shower. You should change your clothes, she suggested in her thoughts.

"It doesn't matter," I shook my head.

"You can't stay hidden out in here forever," she retorted. "Jasper was threatening to come drag you out." Alice raised her finger to trace the shadows I knew she saw under my eyes.

"Keep him away," I implored. "At least, for now." I didn't want to seem unappreciative of their concern. "I just can't stand his brand of help today."

"You'll need to hunt soon," she reminded me lightly.

"Soon," I sighed in agreement. "Tell him I will. Soon."

"Ok." Alice looked down at the keyboard and raised her dainty hands above it. But I quickly stopped their descent by placing my fingers on her wrist.

"Please don't," I said quietly.

"You'll have reason to play again, Edward," Alice gave me a small smile.

"How do you know? Have you seen something?" I hated the note of hope that escaped in my voice. Alice recognized it and made an apologetic face.

"No. I haven't seen anything concrete. I don't think Bella has made her mind up about anything yet. She's all over the place. But I really have a strong feeling about this Edward."

"I think you are wrong," I put my head back down. I leaned into Alice's touch when she gently began stroking the back of my hair.

"Let's leave the vampire-stuff out of this," Alice suggested.

"I wish."

"I knew Jasper was the one for me, the moment I saw him," she continued. "Sure… I saw him in a vision. But if he happened to walk into the same café where we met, and I hadn't seen him coming… I still would have known."

"What's your point?"

"What I'm trying to say is… human or vampire… singer or not… I think Bella is the one for you. You two are supposed to be together."

"Fate," I whispered.

"Exactly." Alice jerked her tiny chin up and down with a satisfied nod then stood to leave. "I'll try to keep Jasper occupied," she grinned. "But I can't make any promises. You know he just wants to see you happy."

"Then he needs to give me some time," I muttered. "Beer and porno-magazines aren't going to fix things this time." I gave her a half-grin and Alice's answering smile lit the room.

"I am not going to tell him that you said that! He will be convinced that you have lost your mind." Alice laughed and left me alone once more.

I sat there after Alice had gone, thinking about everything she had said. There was truth in her message. Throughout it all, my first concern was for Bella's safety. Yes- I had sent her running from me in fear. But in doing so, I had protected her. She now knew me as a monster, but she was unharmed. It was an ugly set of compromises, but I couldn't change a damn thing.

Leaving was not an option. I refused to even consider it. If Bella wanted all evidence of me removed from her life, I would make myself invisible to her. But I would never be far away. I would watch her make a new life for herself… find love… get married and have babies…

I swallowed hard against the pain that threatened to come to the surface. If that was what Bella needed, I would not interfere. I would always have the memories of the time that we spent together, to cherish and to replay in my mind. The way her nose wrinkled when she laughed… the way her cheeks flushed, well, over anything… the way her lips felt beneath mine…

The immortal Bella sat beside me on the space left vacant by Alice. With her newly delivered bell-choir voice, she spoke softly across my cheek.

"Play for me, Edward."

I inhaled and closed my eyes, finally lifting my hands to the piano keys. It had been years, but my fingers remembered their way home. I almost thought I might be able to enjoy playing. But that idea was as fleeting as the mirage of the girl who sat beside me. I tested a few chords and then sighed heavily and slumped forward. There was no joy. Only noise. I hit the keys hard with my hands in one last burst of aggravation, and then paused as I heard my front door open and close. I guessed Jasper wasn't so easily deterred.

"I am really not in the mood for this!" I yelled out, loudly.

"Should I leave?" A soft voice spoke from the doorway.

Not Jasper.

.