On the last chapter(s) of Fallen Leaves: Akiye was stuck in Fourth Division recovering from the severe wounds that she received from Hotaka (Matsushita Kaji), Kaito's biological brother, and has learned that her mind's deterioration would leave her unable to serve the Gotei 13. Although, Captain Unohana was unable to find a reason as to why this happened, Akiye knows that it was because of her consistent use of Nazo no Meikyū, her zanpakutō's ability to steal memories and replace them with her own. Akiye was warned that she could one day go to sleep and wake up without any memories.

Naoto and Kaito decided to break into Twelfth Division to steal the corpse of a scientist that could incriminate Akiye. Naoto also suggested that Akiye take a one-way ticket to the Human World to find the deserter, Inokuma Utae, who owes her a favor for helping her escape Hotaka. Akiye ignored her brothers' wishes to sit back and recover while they infiltrate Twelfth Division and goes to help them.

They succeed in stealing the body, but Akiye ended up blacking out, which terrifies her. She played it off as if it had not happened. She and Kaito took care of getting rid of the evidence, but Renji dropped in unsuspectedly searching for Akiye, who had been accused of breaking into Captain Kurotsuchi's lab. Naoto took Renji aside and asked him to take Akiye to the portal in the outskirts of Rukongai to secure passage to the Human World. Naoto confessed to Renji that he had been responsible for all the unexplained murders in Soul Society and agreed to turn himself in if Renji did him the favor of ensuring Akiye escaped. Renji agreed.

That's when Hotaka appeared with Tokiwa as his captive. He wanted Akiye to tell him where Inokuma Utae is, but she refused. Tokiwa shouted at everyone to run, Naoto threw Akiye at Renji asking him to get her as far away from Hotaka as possible after Hotaka left with Tokiwa and Kaito rushed after him. After, Renji departed with Akiye, Naoto ran out where he is intercepted by the Onmitsukidō, who have come to arrest him for the attempted murder of Lieutenant Hisagi. Naoto decided to fight back.

Thank you blob80 and Kat for reviewing the previous chapter!

Chapter XXXVIII: And Saying Sorry

Be reasonable.

Akiye repeated the words in her mind. She told herself over and over and over again until frustration sank deep into her veins, reaffirming her desire. A long time ago, she swore that even the impossible would become possible for her. She solved the problems in the family. She took the hopeless situations and made them disappear.

Images flashed through her mind as she pounded furiously on Renji's back, her body racked with pain. All she recognized was the ache that pulsed through her like the blood pumping through her heart, but her head was filled with the past. Meeting Hotaka, following him, bearing his twisted torture, escaping him, finding Kaito, being found by Tokiwa and Naoto, the world brightening then darkening all at once, killing Naoto's tormentors, eviscerating them, playing with their guts, letting one live, confessing her crime and being forgiven, living. The feeling of being alive was the adrenaline, living with Tokiwa and her smiles, Naoto and his heart, Kaito and his protection—they were the family she earned. She didn't survive so long, having gone so far to do so, for everything to fall apart. This wasn't how it should have to end.

Be reasonable.

Akiye cried out in desperation, her small fists bright red and throbbing. She dug her fingernails deep into her palms until warmth encased them with the blood flowing from the tiny crescent ruptures.

Be reasonable.

"I need to save them!" she blubbered. "I have to save them!"

If she wasn't there to help them, who would? All she needed to do was use Nazo no Meikyū.

"Renji!" she shouted. "Please!"

Just be reasonable for once!

Renji ignored her protests, answering them by tightening his hold on her.

The scenery blurred in her periphery, white, black, and gold blending into gray. She never stopped fighting back, but her voice had grown hoarse from the shouting. She couldn't scream anymore. Her throat was dry and raw. She couldn't breathe. Her thoughts were plagued with worry. Her heart was pounding in her head.

None of it felt real.

She stopped believing it was real.

This was a dream. She was in Fourth Division recovering. Shuuhei confessed his feelings and they had shaken her to the core, but she had felt safe in Renji's arms. She ultimately chose him, even though she appreciated the honesty of Shuuhei's feelings. Renji made her feel okay being herself. She didn't feel she needed to be anyone other than herself. Now, she wanted to get away from him. She wanted to break free of his grasp and run to find her brothers so that they could rescue Tokiwa from Hotaka. This wasn't safety to her. He was standing in her way.

After running for what felt like an eternity, Renji finally set her down on her feet. She could barely keep her body upright without needing his arms to hold her, but she tried to move away from him.

Renji seized her by the arms, hurting her. "What the hell is going on?"

Akiye stared at him, dumbstruck. His face was drawn of concern, confusion, and irritation. She said nothing. She couldn't find her voice.

"Akiye! What is happening?" he demanded. "Did you kill that man from Twelfth Division? Did you break into Captain Kurotsuchi's laboratory to steal his body? What the fuck is happening? Your brother threatened to kill me! Damnit, did Naoto kill all those men?" He released her and took a few steps away from her, reaching to clutch at his head. "This is insane! Shit! I'm a lieutenant! I shouldn't—"

She reached out to take his arm and her touch silenced him. She didn't want to say it. Every burden she carried in her weighed her down. "I need to go back."

"Are you not listening?" he snapped. "You were accused of breaking into a Captain's private laboratory to steal a dead body!"

"Hotaka took my sister! I have to help save her!"

"How are you going to do that? Look at yourself! You can barely stand."

"You don't understand—"

She tried to walk away from him to prove that she could do more than just stand, but he intercepted her path. "Explain it to me!"

"I…I should have told him," said Akiye absently. Her mind was elsewhere, ensnared by the possibilities that should have run through her head when the situation demanded it before. Instead, she stood there, dumbstruck, watching in horror as Hotaka grabbed Tokiwa roughly. He forced his fingers into her flowing red hair, twisting it in his hand, and pointed his sword at her pale neck. She could have stopped him. "I should have told him—"

"Snap out of it!"

She did. Suddenly. Her vision focused on Renji's face. All thought abandoned her. It felt like she was grasping at straws. Trying to find reason as to why they were standing face to face, why he was speaking so loudly to her, why it felt like her body was on fire, and how the world felt lopsided under her feet.

What was happening? What was she thinking about before? What are we doing here? Here being, as she surveyed her surroundings, full of empty dirt space and sparse vegetation, few trees, grass in patches, a flower here and there.

"What?"

"What?" Renji repeated, incredulous. "Are you serious? Is that all you have to say? How the hell do you expect me to help you if you can't even answer coherently? What the fuck is going on? Tell me!"

His loud demands startled her.

Help? She didn't understand. "Why would you help me?"

"Aren't you listening? Naoto told me to help you make it to the Human World! He said you were guilty of breaking into Captain Kurotsuchi's laboratory and that you killed one of your fellow comrades! He threatened to kill me, too!"

"Oh?" Akiye's heart sank, aching as it did.

He knew the truth—a part of it, at least. It hurt her that he knew this much. She could only imagine how much worse it would be if he learned the whole truth about her and her brothers. She never thought about what his reaction would be like if he ever realized this about them. Admittedly, she was always busy allowing herself to develop feelings for him. Sometimes, it felt like she couldn't stop herself from distancing her life with him from all the horrible things that she did alongside her brothers. They killed people. She covered up their misdeeds. She experimented on live subjects. They had their reasons, though Kaito might not have most of the time. Naoto did it out of need for revenge. Most of their victims had victimized him at one point. He was settling the score. Akiye did it out of spite because she witnessed a horrible attack on Naoto and she had realized she hated that people could live while being so vile. She picked up a sword because she believed she was the only one capable of saving Naoto. Who would if she did not? His raw pain compelled her. It moved her heart, stirred it to life. The beautiful, delicate Naoto suffering broke her heart because she suffered similar wounds during her time at Hotaka's side.

Nobody saved her. She saved herself. But she always wanted to be saved. She wanted someone to tear those men apart. So, as she watched Naoto curled on the ground, the clothes torn from his body, shivering in the cold with fresh bruises and bite marks, she thought she heard him screaming that he wanted to be saved.

So, she saved him. She found the people responsible for his aching and killed them, but high off the adrenaline of ripping apart a human being, she let one live. She offered him a proposition. If he stood, she would let him live. If not, she would eviscerate him like the rest of his companions. He got on his feet, cursed her and swore vengeance.

He almost got his revenge once. She never expected it. She always thought he bled out and died the same night all his friends had, but that was before she realized how resilient some insects were. He found her in Seireitei. That was a long time ago. It was so many years ago that she might have forgotten all the details, but she remembered it happened. She had almost failed to recognize his face until he had reminded her when he had cornered her on her way back to Twelfth Division.

He had threatened to thrust his unscathed blade between her legs to tear her open from the bottom up. She had laughed and had preyed on his stupidity by offering her body willingly to his touch. Repulsed as she had been, it had been a risk she had decidedly taken for the sake of her own salvation. She hadn't expected him to be so stupid.

As soon as his guard had lowered, while he had his hand wrapped tightly around her neck and had been busy thrusting his cock in her, she had drawn the dagger she carried hidden in her shihakusho and had stabbed him in the neck. He had tried to choke her, but had bled out before he could accomplish it. His body had collapsed atop her, his warm, vile blood had warmed her, and his dick had still been hard inside her when she had pulled herself out from under him She had not killed since she had murdered his friends. This had been the first time and she had sworn it was the last.

It hadn't been. Not when the blackout had begun.

Renji waited for her to speak, but she struggled to do so. Truth be told, she wanted to live in that fantasy world she created. She wished she could remain his girlfriend and that the worst she could do was air out someone's dirty laundry to wreck their reputation. She never wanted to be that Akiye so badly before today because she didn't have any excuses.

"Is it the blackouts?" demanded Renji, taking her by the shoulders. "Is that what happened?"

She didn't want to blame the blackouts. It wasn't always the blackouts. She was completely conscious when she performed experiments on some of Naoto's catches.

"Akiye, say something, please."

She dug her own grave. This was her resting place.

Against her will, her eyes filled with tears the longer she stared at his pain-stricken face. She should have never gotten herself involved with him. "I'm sorry," she whispered finally, then covered her face. "I'm so sorry. I can't—I—you're better off leavin'. Please."

His grip on her shoulders tightened. "What are you sorry about? Tell me!"

She sobbed, feeling her body cower.

"Akiye!"

She couldn't tell him the rest. How could she tell him the rest? She didn't want to say more than she had already. There was no excusing her actions. She committed them knowingly.

"Akiye! Look at me!"

"I can't!" she cried. "I can't! I have to go back! I have to save Tokiwa!"

"Kaito and Naoto went after her! She'll be fine! It's you that they're worried about! Tell me the truth! Did you blackout when you killed that shinigami? Is what Naoto said was true?"

"What difference does it make?" she shouted, as he took her hands from her face. "What difference would it make?"

"It makes every difference!" he retorted. "If it's a medical condition I—I can help you, damnit! So, just tell me the truth! Let me help you if it wasn't your fault! We can go back and tell everyone that you weren't in any control—that it's because of your head!" He ran his hands up her neck to rest on her cheeks, lifting her face to his. He lowered his voice, pain filled, when he spoke again, "Please, Akiye. Tell me you're not a murderer. I can't stand it." His eyes were shut tightly as he pressed his forehead against hers, surprising her. "I love you too much."

Her heart skipped a beat. "No." She pulled his hands from her face, taking a step back. "Don't—jus' don't say—"

Renji grabbed her, pulling her firmly against his body into a suffocating embrace. Her heart drummed. "Just tell me it isn't true."

She hiccupped, tears pouring from her eyes, and she wrapped her arms around him. She cried hard, unable to stop the emotion from fighting its way out of her. She wanted to be in his arms so badly. She wanted to lie to him and say none of it was her fault, even the parts that were. She wanted more time with him, but she needed to save Tokiwa with her brothers.

However, if Naoto had asked that Renji take her to Rukongai to find that portal to the Human World, it meant he had seen no other choice. Their time had run out. This was their last desperate measure. He had planned to save her from whatever fate awaited them in Soul Society. She would gladly go back and face it with her brothers to save Tokiwa, but she couldn't. This was a big risk already.

As much as she wanted to go back, she couldn't because it meant death. They would be tried harshly for a range of murders. She couldn't even use Nazo no Meikyū because it was already eating away at her mind. She was losing it.

If she went back, Hotaka would catch her. He could kill Tokiwa as punishment. He would kill them all. They weren't safe. All of their options ran out, but she had to make herself believe that Naoto had a whole plan that would reunite them. That if she went to the Human World, they would find her and they could start a life together again. Once they made it the Human World, things could be different. No more killing because there wouldn't be a reason to with their horrible past left behind in Soul Society. They could be happy.

Tokiwa would forgive them. She knew she would understand if they told her the complete truth. She would be angry for a bit, but she'd understand. That was what she did. She was kindhearted and understanding.

Akiye clung to Renji, knowing that going through the gateway meant never seeing him again. It would be a lot like being exiled. She and her family would need to disappear to be happy. Yes, they could be happy. So, she needed to go. She trusted Kaito and Naoto would save Tokiwa and defeat Hotaka. They were strong enough to do it together.

She needed to go and prepare for their arrival.

She needed to say goodbye to Renji first.

Renji loosened his hold on her, allowing her to raise her head to face him. He brushed back strands of her curly hair before leaning in to kiss her. Between kisses, he repeated he loved her, his warm breath sending shivers down her spine. She wrapped her arms around his neck firmly and kissed him back, uttering, "Me too. I love you too."

Saying it aloud made it real. She loved him. She never thought she would say those words to another.

His lips slanted against hers and she invited his attempt to deepen the kiss. She met his tongue halfway when their lips parted and caressed it as he mirrored her movements until a moan escaped her throat. She knew she wanted to feel his hands roaming the surface of her body before they parted ways. She wanted to experience the depth of his love. She wanted to explore the depth of hers.

This was the first time she desired someone so badly.

Akiye drew back, breaking their lip lock. She took in a few deep breaths. "I'll tell you everything," she promised, "but I've got a condition."

Renji nodded, his breathing was shallow.

"Make me yours," she said breathlessly. "Make love to me, Renji."

His face flushed. "What? Akiye, this isn't the time for-"

"This is the only time!" she insisted. It would be. Maybe that idea prompted her to consider the truth an option. It wouldn't affect her what he thought of her after if she was gone. Besides, with how quickly she was forgetting things, it wouldn't be long before all of this left her. For that, she was grateful to her shikai. She sucked in a breath, gripping at his clothes as she leaned her forehead to his chest. "I don't have any more time!"

"But you're healing-"

"That doesn't matter! I just wanna be yours, Renji. Please." With her heart beating in her head and his hands hovering above her shoulders in hesitation, Akiye expected rejection. She felt it coming. What did she expect? She was asking for too much. Not to mention it'd likely hurt like a bitch to partake in that sort of strenuous activity in her condition. "Just take me…and I'll tell you everything."

She wrinkled his uniform in her fisted hands, shutting her eyes tight.

His warm palms gently covered her shoulders and her body jolted instinctively, surprised by his touch. "Akiye, look at me."

Her heart skipped a beat. She swallowed hard. Anxiously, she lifted her face, opening her eyes as she did. Renji reached up to place one of his hands on her cheek, drawing along her jawline with his fingers gingerly. He leaned down to kiss her, lips firm on hers for the briefest second.

"I don't want to have to make you mine to get answers," he told her, making her insides wither. His eyes were fixed on hers, darkened with emotion. "This isn't how you're supposed to treat people, Akiye. This isn't how you're supposed to treat yourself." He wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. "Don't ask me to make love to you in exchange for the truth. I won't do it. Not for that."

She latched onto his wrists, fearing he would leave her alone. She never realized that they had made it to Rukongai. She had no idea how they made it past the gatekeepers when it seemed Seireitei was in chaos thanks to her. "I'm afraid."

His expression softened. "Afraid of what?"

"Afraid that if I tell you everything, you'd hate me," she answered, lowering her eyes. After he said such beautiful words to her like 'I love you,' she couldn't stand the thought of him forgoing the emotion as soon as her story was done. What did that one story say about her? It revealed her weakness. It revealed the darkness in her heart. "I can't…"

Renji suddenly jerked around, searching their surroundings, before he grabbed a hold of her. He hoisted her into his arms as he rushed through the sparse, dirt land to reach an area several kilometers away covered with trees and vegetation. He hid with her behind a few trees that sat so close together that their roots, which sprouted from the ground, twisted into one. Underneath the deep shadows cast by the foliage above them, Akiye could tell they were hidden particularly well and through the small spaces between branches and tangled leaves, she saw a group of shinigami stop abruptly several feet away.

"Damnit!" one cursed. "I was sure I sensed someone nearby."

"Well, even if she did escape, she couldn't have gone far in her condition," another responded.

Renji pressed her face closer to his chest. His heart was rampaging in his ribcage. She felt his hands were a little clammy as well. She knew what it would mean for him if he were caught in this situation.

"I fucking knew that Kurogane family were a bunch of psychopaths, but causing this much trouble I didn't expect," the first shinigami declared. "But at least, Captain Soifon caught Naoto. All that's left is Kaito. Even Tokiwa's gone missing. Guess they're all in on this."

At the sound of Naoto's name, Akiye nearly leapt from Renji's lap, but he hugged her close.

"I'd expect this sort of thing from Kurogane Akiye, but Tokiwa-san?" a third shinigami said, disappointed. "She was always so polite and generous."

"Bah! It's always the ones you least expect."

It hurt her to hear such insinuations about Tokiwa, who was innocent of crime. Her heart ached because Naoto was captured and Kaito was running around on his own chasing Hotaka to rescue Tokiwa.

"We should keep searching," the second shinigami started. "There aren't many places to run out here."

Once the small group was gone and out of earshot, Akiye buried her face in Renji's chest, crying. He relaxed underneath her, holding his arms around her small frame loosely to not cause further pain.

Kaito was alone without anyone to rely on for help. It saddened her deeply to know this. Tokiwa was still missing, which meant she was in Hotaka's clutches. Naoto detained, wondering if she made it through the portal to the Human World as he wanted. How could she leave them knowing this?

"Your brother was going to turn himself in," said Renji. "He told me before entrusting you to me. He said that when I returned with confirmation that you were safely out of Soul Society, he would turn himself in to me."

Akiye's plans fell away in pieces. The idea that they would reunite in the Human World to become a real family shattered in that instant. The realization finally struck. Naoto and Kaito would do everything to save Tokiwa from Hotaka, but they wanted to make sure that she made it out of Soul Society. What would happen to them? Would Naoto secure hers and Tokiwa's futures by compromising his own and Kaito's? Would she be the only one making it to the other side? Was this as far as their little family would go?

"But I don't want to leave them here," she whispered brokenly. "They're my family. Naoto can't expect me ta run away without 'em?"

"That's the only option he's giving you," said Renji. "Look, Akiye, I don't know what the truth is and I don't think I want to know it at this point, but I—I"—he sighed exasperatedly and fixed his eyes on her—"I'm going to help you get out."

"Ya don't understand—"

"You're going," he stated. "Now, Naoto said you knew a place in Rukongai that could take you into the Human World. We're going there."

"But—"

"No!" he snapped. "You're getting out and that's that! Understood?"

Renji leaned forward as he started to stand, grabbing hold of her arm to keep her from leaving his side. He pulled her on her feet and muttered an apology when he noticed her flinch. He loosened his grip on her arms, but didn't release her. She was poised to run, her eyes glimpsing at the sword at her side in the hopes than an idea might strike. Useless as her presence would be in her current condition, she couldn't think of anything else to do. If she used Nazo no Meikyū—

Don't, her zanpakutō spirit echoed in her mind.

She was reluctant. She needed to save them. All of them. It didn't matter that it meant facing Hotaka. She would lose her fear and face him. She would tell him what he wanted to know. She would reveal Inokuma Utae's location and hope that would be enough for him to disappear.

"Come on, we can move through here for a while"—he tugged at her, but she stayed rooted to the ground—"Akiye, we have to go now."

She stared up at him, lips trembling as she spoke, "I can't leave them."

Go!

"I can't leave them!" she repeated strongly, unaware she had done so aloud until Renji expressed confusion. "I thought I could, but that was because they were supposed to follow. I can't if they won't. I can't if that means I won't see them. They're not my real family, but we found each other and we were supposed to stay together. We just messed up a little, but if I use Nazo no Meikyū, I can fix it. This will be a blur for everyone. We'll be okay."

Renji shook his head. "I weighed the options, Akiye, between knowing the truth and not knowing and between helping you leave and turning you in. In the worst-case scenario, if both your brothers died, you'd be blamed for everything. You could be put to death. I can't...I can't stand the thought of you dead. I'd rather know that you are out there somewhere alive where I can never see you again than know that you're dead. So whatever you're thinking, stop! Naoto gave you this opportunity! Don't let it go to waste!"

"This isn't the time to be acting selfish-"

Renji cursed as he bent forward and hoisted her body over his shoulder. "I'm getting you out, stop fighting it."

Akiye considered screaming until one of the shinigami searching for her heard them, but that would put Renji at risk of being branded an accomplice and losing his position. He worked so hard for it. Even so, he was risking it all for her. She couldn't hurt him like that. She'd never forgive herself.

She cried softly because of the pain her wounds caused her and because she felt so broken. She didn't want to be alone again. She didn't want to be without her family. She didn't want to give up on Renji.

You have no choice.

No truer words existed. She didn't. This was it. She would have to go through the portal to the Human World. She would do so hating that the last memory she had of Tokiwa was of her being threatened by Hotaka, that the last conversation she had with Kaito consisted of dead man jokes after they burned an incriminating corpse, and that the last time she had looked upon Naoto's face he had seemed so sad. The notion of never seeing them again was unfathomable, and yet, equally capable of provoking an abysmal emptiness in her. It hurt more than all her healing wounds combined. She wished there was a better form to express the emotion because she hated to cry.

What would she do without them? Without each one to brighten up her day? She worried for Kaito the most. She hated having to leave him behind, breaking the promise that she never would. He wouldn't do well alone. He would panic and lash out. They would kill him. She sobbed painfully at the thought and felt Renji's hold on her tighten comfortingly.

Renji ran with her in his arms for a little over an hour, covering plenty of ground with her vague guidance. He had asked earlier for directions to the portal, which she had given in a barely coherent, teary voice. Somewhere along the way, exhaustion got the better of her and she drifted slowly into its dark embrace.

She fell into her zanpakutō's world, falling straight into a sea of narcissus flowers. She sank deep inside the clear waters as yellow petals and bubbles swirled above her. She felt weightless in the water, moving was easy without the presence of wounds. She righted herself, her clothes floating around her, and kicked her feet, swimming towards the surface. She broke through, inhaling deeply as she pushed her hair back out of her face. Above her was a still sky that reflected the yellow flowers atop the rippling water and in front of her stood her zanpakutō spirit, pale with messy golden hair that fell past his lower back. He wore nothing but a pink sash wrapped around his hips.

Suisen offered his hand to her. She reached for it and he gently pulled her out of the water.

"You have me, mistress," he told her. His beautiful face was sincere. "You will not be alone on the other side."

Akiye lowered her eyes. "I don't wanna leave without them."

"They don't want to leave you either, but sometimes, things like this happen," he said. "You have survived worse and you will continue to do so."

That notion alone saddened her terribly.