Where's my baby?

Chapter 37 – Talking and feelings!

The rest of the night went pretty well and when Hotch left Emily and Lilly stayed up talking.

'So are you okay now? You said you didn't know before,' Lilly asked concerned.

'I guess I'm better than before,' Emily told her honestly.

'Good, do you want to talk about it?' Lilly wondered.

Emily took a deep breath and sat up properly, tucking her legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, leaning her back against the couch. 'I just was thinking how different my life would've been. How I would've turned out if my parents had been around more often, I mean I only saw my parents in the morning and for dinner on Christmas day otherwise they were working as usual, like it's a normal day. I was wondering how my life would've been different if mother hadn't given you away. I was thinking…' Emily started and then bit her lip.

'What were you thinking?' Lilly wondered.

'It's crazy… I was thinking that I want… another baby.'

Lilly was shocked and didn't know how to react, 'oh…'

'I know… see its crazy…' Emily told her and then shook her head, sighing.

'It's sweet,' Lilly commented.

'I just want another chance to be a mum,' Emily said.

Lilly frowned. 'You are, you're my mom though,' she said. 'Your the best mum anyone can ever ask for.'

'I feel that I'm not though… all I did was give birth to you, I never got a chance to look after you or watch you grow, or do any of the things a mother does with their child…' Emily said whilst looking at Lilly, a few tears going down her face.

Lilly put her hand on Emily's before putting her arms around her, she saw her point. 'I wish I had that experience with you too, I'm sure you'll get another chance, you'll always be my mom and you still can be, we can still experience new things together, create new memories,' Lilly told her.

Emily nodded, putting her head on Lilly's shoulder. 'I hope so… because I want to do those things you know, like do my daughters hair, take her to school, take my son to football practice, help my daughter with her make up or…' Emily sighed and shook her head, she was crying now again.

'You will get the chance to do that, unfortunately I'm a bit too old to do some of those things,' Lilly said, making Emily laugh.

'You're not old, you're young,' Emily said.

'Well if I'm young then so are you, I mean you gave birth to me when I was 16 so you're only 16 years older than me, that doesn't sound too bad,' Lilly said softly, stroking her mums hair lovingly.

Emily laughed again and kissed her daughters head, 'I guess you could say that we're both young then.'

They stayed silent for a minute feeling comfortable.

'Was it bad?' Lilly asked, seeing Emily's confused face she elaborated, 'the cuts.'

Emily laughed and answered, 'I guess if there was still blood on the floor, but I put a bandage on it, there was quite a bit of blood on the floor, I had to control my emotions you know, all the thoughts I had in my head were driving me crazy… I don't know what to do anymore,' she said in a whisper, sounding defeated.

Lilly felt bad for Emily, she understood how Emily was feeling. 'I understand… it helps talking about it or crying I think,' Lilly suggested.

Emily nodded, agreeing with her. 'I need to tell someone… I don't know how they'll react though… that scares me and I feel like I'm afraid of myself,' Emily said, wiping the tears from her face.

'I'm sure your team won't judge you, I mean they're your family and family shouldn't judge… they might ask why but you don't have to answer if you don't want to,' Lilly said and gave her another hug.

Emily returned the hug and whispered thank you and then told her. 'I feel that I should answer though because today, JJ said it felt like I was keeping something from them even though she knows…' Emily shook her head. 'I mean it's true, I don't want to hurt their feelings I don't mean to,' she added, blaming herself.

'Don't blame yourself Emily; it's not your fault,' Lilly told Emily, sensing that Em was blaming herself.

AH

Hotch was sitting on his couch trying to watch TV but he couldn't watch it properly, he was so worried about Emily, he had gotten a really bad feeling when he had found the blood on the floor.

Hotch sighed, he and Emily was going food shopping tomorrow for her so he would ask her then if she was okay.

But for now he was going to bed, he could worry about it later.

EP

By the time Emily and Lilly had finished talking it was near 3 in the morning. Lilly and Emily were both starting to get tired.

Emily's ribs were really starting to hurt; at times it felt like she couldn't breathe so she knew she had to take a pain killer. Once Emily had taken her pain killer she checked her phone and Lilly asked what time it was.

'Oh it's 3 in the morning,' Emily said and looked at her.

'Oh…' Lilly said, shocked. She didn't know it was that late. 'I should probably go then, let you sleep for a bit before you have to get up.'

'Why don't you just stay, the guest bedroom is already set up… it's really late as it is…' Emily suggested, she didn't feel comfortable letting Lilly go home this late, take a cab just to get to a hotel, not after what she had been through and what kind of dangers Emily knew were around. 'I don't want you to go,' she added quietly.

'Are you sure?' Lilly asked, she looked and sounded so vulnerable so she agreed. Watching Emily nod her head she said, 'I don't have pyjamas.'

'Borrow mine, I have loads… although I don't know why,' Emily said at the end making Lilly smile.

'Alright,' Lilly said and they both got up, getting pajamas and everything ready.

'Thanks for listening to all my crap tonight…' Emily said as they said goodnight.

'It wasn't crap and I said I'd listen,' Lilly answered back, giving her mum a hug.

'I know but thanks still,' Emily said back and then said goodnight once again, going to their rooms.

The next morning there was a knock on the door, both Lilly and Emily were still asleep, it was Hotch and he was getting worried.

After about 5 minutes Hotch was getting ready to kick the door down to see if Emily was okay, he knocked a few more times and called her name, then the door opened.

'Oh, hi Lilly, is Emily around?' Hotch asked, stepping in, she was wearing Emily's pajamas and he smiled she looked a bit like her.

Lilly yawned and rubbed her eyes, 'yeah, what's the time?'

'Sorry for waking you,' Hotch got his phone out and told Lilly the time, '10 to 10.'

Lilly yawned again and nodded her head. 'I'll go get her, I think she's still asleep though.'

Hotch was surprised at that, Emily would never sleep that long.

Lilly walked away, up stairs to knock on the door, she heard Emily groan in annoyance and then the door opened.

'Is everything okay?' Emily asked, one eye still closed, 'wait did I hear knocking or was I dreaming?' Emily asked, and then yawned.

'No you didn't dream that, Hotch is downstairs.'

'Oh fuck… I completely forgot,' Emily said, shocked. 'Oh my god… what's the time?'

'10…' Lilly answered.

'10? Oh sugar, okay I'll get dressed,' Emily said, now awake 'I'll tell him to wait or something,' Emily told Lilly, she didn't really know what she was saying at the moment.

Lilly smirked and nodded her head as she moved out of the way, they walked downstairs and Emily yawned again.

'Hey Hotch, sorry I'm going to get dressed now,' Emily told him and yawned again, she was so tired.