Clarke woke before Lexa. It was a rare occurrence to see the Commander so soundly asleep. Lexa was more often than not up and dressed for the day by the time Clarke opened her eyes. Most mornings, Lexa had already left to start her day. The demands of Heda were vast and Lexa never really seemed to stop. Not unless Clarke urged her to.
Lexa was on her back, her head turned towards Clarke, peaceful and soft in slumber. One hand rested on her stomach, but the other was stretched out towards Clarke. It tugged at something deep inside her, almost painfully so, but it was good. The best kind of pain she could ask for.
Lexa was beautiful. Her dark hair spanned out in curls, the braids had been removed by her attendants last night before their bath. Her breaths came in quiet, even little puffs that soothed something inside of Clarke that she didn't even really understand.
Clarke knew she should let Lexa sleep, but she couldn't resist. Lexa's pull was too strong and she wanted her so much. In her defense, she did try to be careful as she cuddled closer to Lexa's warmth, sidling her body against hers. It was pointless though, Lexa was a light sleeper. She always woke at any touch from Clarke. Most times she just fell back asleep though. This time, Lexa barely even cracked her eyes, before she groaned sleepily and and turned her whole body into Clarke, finding her lips at once.
"You should go back to sleep," Clarke whispered, but Lexa kissed her again, ending any hope of that.
Not that Clarke was actually hoping for it.
It was lazy and slow. Lexa was still half asleep, perhaps she was even still dreaming, and Clarke had just gotten sucked into it. Smiling against Lexa's lips, Clarke raised her hand to Lexa's neck, pulling her closer, deeper. She could feel the stages of Lexa moving into full consciousness as her kisses grew more passionate, determined, searching. Lexa slid her hands up Clarke's naked back and pulled her close.
But then she stopped.
Clarke blinked her eyes open, frustrated by the sudden change. They were in the middle of something.
Lexa was still holding her, but she had this odd little curious look on her face.
"What is it?" Clarke asked, trying hard to make sure she didn't sound like she was whining.
Because that's exactly what she felt like doing.
Lexa shook her head slightly, brow furrowed, and Clarke didn't know what to make of her behavior until she saw what was in Lexa's hand.
She was holding up a piece of skin that had peeled off Clarke's back.
"You're shedding, Clarke," Lexa said in amusement.
Clarke stared at in abject horror.
Lexa didn't seem to notice. She tossed it away and leaned in to kiss her again, not fazed in the slightest, but Clarke scrambled away in a panic.
She shoved the blankets down to see the rest of her body and she was aghast to see that she was peeling everywhere. Everywhere that she'd been burned – which was the entirety of her body – had healed, but a new layer of skin had formed underneath and all the dead skin was sloughing off.
Utterly, utterly, mortified, and disgusted, and a million other things that she had no words for, Clarke yelped, and jumped out of the bed so quickly she nearly fell flat on her face.
Lexa called after her to no avail. Clarke couldn't bear to face her. She wildly grabbed for her robe, flinging it around her just in time as she flung the door open and fled the room, disappearing as Lexa heard her shout for Heykin at the top of her lungs.
Lexa watched the empty doorway for a long moment before she fell back onto the bed with a dejected sigh.
That was not how she wanted the morning to go.
Clarke returned about a half hour later, freshly scrubbed and raw. Her now healed skin looked redder than it did this morning, not sunburned anymore, but certainly aggravated.
Lexa was having breakfast in her dressing gown and she looked up when Clarke came in.
"What did you to yourself?"
"I had them help me scrub it all off," she said miserably, still avoiding direct eye contact as she sat down on the couch next to Lexa. "I can't believe I looked like that. It was disgusting."
"It's just skin, Clarke," Lexa said tersely, focusing on her breakfast. "I don't know why you felt the need to make such an ordeal of it."
"It was embarrassing," Clarke muttered. "I don't want you to...see me like that."
"Like what?"
Clarke held her hands up in exasperation.
How was Lexa not getting this?
"Looking gross?"
"You looked nothing of the kind. Besides, I didn't take you for the vain type, Clarke."
Clarke huffed, staring at the side of Lexa's head as she took slow, small bites of her food. Chewing methodically.
"Why are you upset?" she asked in disbelief. "I was the one who looked like a mutant creature looking for a new body."
Lexa just shook her head. She still didn't look at Clarke. Her standoffishness was bewildering and a part of Clarke, a small, tiny part that she never wanted to admit, wondered if maybe she was right. Maybe it was as bad as she was making it out to be. Maybe Lexa had truly been put off by it.
Her head told her that it was silly to think that Lexa wouldn't find her attractive after seeing her like that, but her heart was another story. She didn't think Lexa would be like that and it was really just in her head, but the way Lexa was being so distant...unwilling to really look at her...it made her wonder if her reaction wasn't as outlandish as Lexa made it out to be.
"Lexa?"
"It's fine, Clarke. I'm not upset. I'm glad you feel better now. Hungry?"
"No," she said stubbornly. "Tell me what it is."
Just don't let it be what I'm thinking.
Lexa sighed. "It's...it's childish."
"I'm childish?"
"No, what I'm feeling is," she groaned.
Clarke inhaled sharply. Steeling herself for an admission.
"It's just...we so rarely get to have the morning together. I always have to wake up early and I leave before you wake. This was one morning that I had a chance to be able to spend it with you, to wake up next to you and not have to be anywhere..." she trailed off with a small wave of her hand.
Oh.
And just like that, Clarke's knotted stomach released itself. Relief flooded her body and she slumped against the back of the couch understandingly.
Lexa wasn't rejecting her.
Lexa was disappointed.
"You wanted a normal morning and I ran out of the room screaming," Clarke said with an understanding nod.
"Clarke," she sighed, looking over her shoulder at her, "you must know that there is nothing in the world that could make me not want you?"
Well, now she did.
"That sounds like a challenge," Clarke joked, but Lexa didn't even crack a smile, and she sobered. "I'm sorry. I am. I just...I was thrown by that happening. I knew, from a medical perspective, that there was nothing wrong with me. I should have been expecting it, but I've never seen anything like that happen to me before. It freaked me out and I..." she exhaled heavily, "I shouldn't have ruined our morning."
"You didn't ruin it."
"Kind of did, though."
"Just eat your breakfast."
Clarke studied her for a long moment, debating something, before she finally made her decision. She stood and held out her hand to Lexa.
"What is it?" Lexa asked, already taking her hand and getting to her feet.
"Come on," Clarke said, leading her back to bed.
Lexa was skeptical.
"It's late, Clarke. I don't have much more time before-"
"Lie down."
"Clarke-"
Clarke hopped back into the bed, pushing back the covers, and reached for Lexa, pulling her into the bed with her. She pushed Lexa down by her shoulders so that she would lay back with her head on the pillow again. She pulled the covers over them both and then snuggled down, resting her head on Lexa's shoulder.
"What is this?" Lexa asked, confused and impatient.
"A do-over."
"It doesn't work like th-"
"Shut up and close your eyes."
"I'm fully awake, Clarke. I don't want to go back to sleep."
Clarke raised herself up on her elbow to look Lexa dead in the eye. "Do it for me, okay? Play along."
Lexa pursed her lips, but begrudgingly agreed.
Clarke settled back down on her shoulder and Lexa closed her eyes. About thirty seconds passed with them like that in silence before Lexa broke it. "Clarke, I really don't have time for this."
"Yes, you do. I told Heykin to inform the youngbloods that you'd be meeting them later today."
"You...you what?"
"Just trust me. Close your eyes. No more talking."
Lexa did as she asked. At first, her mind raced with all the things she should be doing right now, anything other than a morning nap. The fact that Clarke actually interfered with her responsibilities as Heda, how unsettled she was by it, but also how it didn't necessarily feel as wrong as it should have...
Then her mind began to slow, thinking about how quiet it was, how calm, the faint footsteps of the sentries in the halls, the low murmur of the attendants outside the room, the soft morning chatter of Polis filtering through the window, how wonderful Clarke felt pressed against her, how good she smelled, how she loved the weight of her on her shoulder and plied against her side.
Even those thoughts began to fade and her breathing grew more even, being with Clarke in this peaceful silence had her growing drowsy even though she really had been wide awake before.
She wasn't exactly falling asleep yet, but she was starting to drift somewhere in between.
Then Clarke shifted against her, sliding her hand across Lexa's stomach. She lifted her head and kissed the shoulder that had been serving as her pillow. Lexa still didn't open her eyes. This was Clarke's game. She wanted to see what she had planned next.
She felt the cool air hit her as Clarke lifted the sheets for a moment and then she wasn't quite sure what was happening next because there was definite movement on Clarke's part, but she couldn't feel her anymore. She was so tempted to open her eyes, but then Clarke was there again. She had moved much further south and slipped between Lexa's legs now.
Lexa gasped softly, not expecting that in the least, and let a small whimper escape when she felt Clarke's breath there. There were some soft, barely grazing kisses to the inside of her thighs before her tongue met Lexa with one long, broad stroke. Lexa arched her back with a moan and covered her eyes, giving herself over to Clarke completely.
Clarke was merciless. Lexa came quickly, but it was far too quick for Clarke's liking.
"Too soon."
Lexa didn't get a chance to breathe before Clarke was inside of her and sending her reeling towards another.
It was Lexa's shuddering, pleading cry when Clarke coaxed her through the third that let her know that she had reached her limit...for now. Clarke brought her down gently, easing out of her, kissing her thighs, licking away the mess she'd made. Lexa's whole body was trembling as Clarke made her way back up. Lexa was breathing raggedly, a whimper in the back of her throat. Her bare skin glistened with sweat in the morning sunlight. She had her arm thrown over her face, protecting herself, but Clarke gently lifted her arm away.
When the darkness vanished, all Lexa could see was light. Pure, golden, ethereal light. It blinded her at first and then Clarke was there, blurry, hovering over her. Her long, golden hair was aglow in the morning light, the sun behind her head created a halo and there was a shower of light over Clarke's face that made it all seem so much more like a dream than a reality. How could this...something this perfect...be real? Her lips were swollen and wet. Her bright blue eyes peered down at her, shining, happy, loving, and a little bit smug.
Lexa's body still trembled in the aftermath of pleasure. She was wholly at Clarke's mercy, unable to do anything but stare up at her in stupefied wonder. She had never seen someone so beautiful. And she never knew that it could hurt so much. Her breath caught in her throat.
So much she held in every day, but this...this was where she couldn't hide. Never could. This angelic woman above her, flesh against flesh, sticky and soft and warm and solid and alive. Her body had been unraveled and inundated with pleasure beyond the point of coping. Lexa couldn't catch her breath. She couldn't stop looking at Clarke. She couldn't stop her heart from trying to burst its way out of her body. She couldn't feel any more because it was all too much. Too wonderful. It was everything.
So she cried.
Her sobs were another release she never understood how badly she needed.
But Clarke did.
She didn't tell Lexa to stop. She didn't quiet her. She didn't ask what was wrong. She didn't tell her it would be all right.
Clarke nuzzled at her throat, stroked her hair, kissed her face, and held her through each wracking sob that tore it's way through her chest.
"I'm here," she said. "I'm right here."
Lexa tried to turn her head away at first, letting Clarke hold her, but still distancing herself and covering her face with her hand. But when Clarke's lips touched her temple and her fingers caressed her jaw, Lexa threw it all away and turned into her. She grabbed onto Clarke desperately, greedily, and buried her face in the crook of her neck. Clarke's skin was wet with Lexa's tears.
She held onto her and Clarke pulled her on her side, letting her cry out every emotion she needed to. Pleasure, rage, pain, ecstasy, guilt, loss, loneliness, love...
Her body was not her own, her mind was not her own, and her soul...her soul had joined another.
Heda was to be alone.
Heda was to rule.
Heda was discipline and control.
But Clarke was here and she was Heda no longer.
Each wave of emotion was more powerful than the next and she couldn't stop it. Her body and mind was flooded and out of control. She couldn't bear this kind of agony.
Some time later, the sobs eased, the tightness in her chest released. She could breathe again, shuddering sometimes, but still breathing easier. The tears didn't pour anymore. Her whole body ached from her head to her throat to her chest to her stomach to her legs to her toes where she had curled them up and dug into the mattress. Clarke was humming softly, stroking her hair, fingers brushing ever so lightly against her ear. She didn't hold her as tightly now, but she was pressed against her without an inch to spare.
Lexa looked up at her, finally able to make eye contact again, and she saw the tenderness waiting for her.
"Good morning..." Clarke said huskily, like when her voice was still scratchy with sleep. She was smiling, but there was a sad, guilty twinkle in her eyes. "I know that still wasn't what you had in mind though. Looks like I traded one extreme for another..."
"Clarke," she rasped, licking her lips, trying to think of what to say, how to tell her, or what she would even be able to tell her, but Clarke pressed two fingers against her lips and kissed her forehead.
"Don't," she said, and nudged her nose affectionately.
Lexa breathed in deeply, wholly relieved, because she didn't know what she would have done otherwise.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
Clarke winced. "Don't thank me just yet. Um, I have to take care of something really quick, okay?"
Lexa's hold tightened instinctively at just the slightest hint of Clarke possibly leaving this bed.
"I'm not going anywhere. I promise. Just..." She looked around, searching for something and then decided on her pillow. She propped it up by the side of Lexa's head. "Real quick. Don't talk," she instructed before wrapping the sheet around her chest a little more carefully and turned her head to the door. She didn't move from Lexa's side though.
"HEYKIN!"
Lexa stared up at her in open disbelief, but the door opened before she could express it. Her puffy face, tear stained cheeks, and blood shot eyes were, thankfully, hidden from anyone at the door by the pillow Clarke put next to her.
"Urgent matters have come up. The Commander will not be able to train the youngbloods today. Perhaps later this afternoon, if she has time. Inform the masters immediately."
"Sha, Wanheda."
The door closed again and Clarke pushed the pillow back down. She looked at Lexa sheepishly. "Okay, so I totally lied before. I didn't send any message. You're super late for training."
Lexa's mouth opened to respond, but Clarke kept going.
"Don't be mad. It's one training session and you can meet them later. Preparations are already underway for Mara. I know you're not meeting with any of the village leaders today and the delegates are all busy getting word back to their clans. I thought it would be okay just this once."
Lexa watched her silently. Her eyes were swollen and still stung from the onslaught.
When Clarke first told her that she had actually interfered with her responsibilities as Heda, Lexa didn't know what to feel. She wasn't sure if she liked that Clarke would do such a thing.
Now she knew.
And she loved it.
She loved that someone could do that for her. To say what Lexa could not bring herself to say: "not today."
Clarke understood the importance of her duties, she understood what Lexa did, stood for, and the weight on her shoulders. She knew that, understood that, and respected it. To find out that Clarke only interfered after Lexa showed a sincere need...that told her everything.
Clarke didn't think it was her place to step in, not until she had to. It was because of that, that Lexa knew that she could trust Clarke in this too. In the smallest of ways, Clarke was sharing her duties as Commander. She did so by taking care of Lexa's needs. Not just her physical, but her emotional, and mental well-being too.
Not today.
Lexa trusted that Clarke would use this power wisely. If she allowed her to have this part of her too, Clarke wouldn't betray her. And it didn't make Lexa weak for allowing her to do so.
Unable to express a single word of this, Lexa nodded and pulled her close. She settled her cheek against Clarke's chest and closed her eyes. Clarke laid on her back beside her in silence, letting her fingers trail up and down her back with the lightest touch. Between the warmth of the room, Clarke's soothing presence beside her, and the utter, soul bending exhaustion that consumed her, Lexa finally surrendered to unconsciousness.
Lexa woke a few hours later to see Clarke sitting next to her, propped up against the headboard with pillows. She had a sheet of paper against bent knees and her left hand was curled around a piece of charcoal as she moved it across the page. She was wearing a shirt now, but her legs were bare and stretched out freely on top of the blankets. She had the same look of intense concentration she always did when she was drawing, her brow crinkled slightly between her eyes, her tongue peeking out occasionally on the side as she worked through a particular section she was unsure of.
"What are you drawing?" Her voice was scratchy and her throat was still raw from earlier.
Clarke didn't seem startled to hear that Lexa was awake. She smiled, not looking away from her work, and said, "That's for me to know and you to find out."
"How will I find out?" Lexa asked sleepily, playing along.
"You could be nice."
"I am very nice, Clarke"
"You could bribe me."
"I give you all that you ask for anyway."
Clarke raised an eyebrow in amusement and bit her lower lip.
How true that was...
Finally, she looked at Lexa. "You could try to take it from me."
"But you know I would never do that."
"I do know that."
"So how will I see it?"
Clarke shrugged. "You got me there. Guess I just have to show you."
She scooched down until she was lying next to Lexa and raised the drawing.
It was only half finished, but there was enough that Lexa could see to know what it was. There was a small outline of a woman's naked back as she sat on a beach, looking out over a lake with grand mountains gracing the backdrop. She had long dark hair, braided in a most familiar way. The forest was only just starting to rise up around her, and most of it still needed to be shaded in.
Lexa nodded, looking at Clarke.
"We will go back...when things settle."
"Things don't ever settle for us, Lexa."
"We will still go back."
"I'd like that."
Lexa sighed, turning back to the drawing. "It's good."
"It would be better with color, but I haven't really tried that yet. We didn't have colors to work with on the Ark. It wasn't considered a necessary resource."
"I thought they brought you-"
"They did," Clarke said quickly. "I'm just working up the nerve."
"You possess natural talent, Clarke. Don't shy away from it."
"You have to say that. You're my girlfriend."
Lexa's brow furrowed in confusion as she looked up at her. "Your what?"
There was a knock at the door. Clarke pulled the sheets over her legs and around her waist.
"Who is it?"
"Eli, Wanheda. I have your midday meal that you requested."
Clarke looked to Lexa questioningly and Lexa nodded her consent.
"Come on in," she said.
Eli was Lexa's Second attendant. There were five of them. Heykin was in charge, but they still answered to a chain of command and their ranking have them specific duties. The higher ranked attendants, Heykin and Eli, usually dealt with all of Lexa's (and Clarke's) needs directly while the others flitted around on the outskirts.
It was a sign of great trust and faith to be one of Heda's attendants and to be ranked so highly was one of the greatest honors any non-warrior could have. They all took their jobs very seriously and refused to engage in any sort of casual conversation. It was considered unprofessional. Clarke had a hard time even finding out their names at first.
They bristled and looked down on Clarke in the beginning for trying to be friendly and conversational. To them, that was a sign of disrespect. Clarke thought it was lonely at first, but she was catching on to how it worked now, and they had changed their attitude towards her as well. They served her just as easily as they served Lexa. It wasn't a chore or even just a job. This was a calling for them – just as Lexa was called to be Heda, they were called to serve Heda.
"On the table."
He set the full tray down and exited only to return again with jugs of wine and water.
"Do you require anything else, Heda? Wanheda?"
Lexa wasn't looking at him, she was still immersed in Clarke's half finished drawing, so Clarke answered for them both.
"That will be all. Thank you."
He bowed and started to walk out.
"Oh, and make sure the Commander isn't disturbed today unless it's an emergency," she added. "As in a, Polis is burning down kind of emergency, okay?"
"Understood, Wanheda." He nodded austerely and closed the door behind him.
"I will have to leave the room at some point, Clarke," Lexa said dryly.
"Probably. But you still have some time before anything truly dire happens."
"Clarke..." Lexa groaned in consternation, slapping the paper down. "Do Sky People not know what a jinx is?"
Clarke laughed and took the paper back. "I believe the old saying is 'knock on wood'? Well, go ahead, you have plenty of it."
Lexa made an exasperated sound and curled up beside her, slipping her arm across Clarke's hips.
"Aren't you hungry?" she asked.
Clarke hummed affirmatively, her eyes still on the paper. "But I'm not ready to get up just yet."
Lexa sighed. "Good."
They stayed there in a comfortable silence, Clarke engrossed in her work and Lexa content as she listened to the sound of scratches against paper.