37. What Duty Demands

"Well, there's really not much to that, actually," Miri admits. "I don't even remember what Jowan said that made me so mad. It probably wasn't anything horrible; I was just already in a bloody foul mood thanks to sugar withdrawal. But, anyway, we were in the dormitory, I was not in the mood for any teasing whatsoever, so I shoved him in a closet, locked the door, and ignored him for...oh, maybe five minutes." She lets out a small, sheepish laugh. "I, um, forgot one teensy detail, though."

"What?" I shift position as my leg starts to fall asleep and lean closer. The phrase 'captive audience' comes to mind. I don't think anything shy of a full darkspawn horde could distract me.

"Just that Jowan was-as in isn't any longer-absolutely terrified of the dark when he was eleven."

"Oh. Dear."

She winces. "Yeah. He wasn't happy. Wouldn't even talk to me for two days, and I can't really blame him. He did get me back, though."

"Really?"

"After the two days of him not talking to me, I, um, found a bloody huge spider on my pillow. Maker, did I ever scream. 'Cause I was, and actually still am, scared of spiders. I think the templars must've thought someone was turning into an abomination, with how fast they were in the room."

"Wow," I laugh.

"I knew how it got there. And I did deserve it. And Jowan even apologized first. Which made me feel like a heel, because I knew, much as spiders scared me, dark scared him more, so I apologized, too. And we were right back to being best friends, like nothing ever happened. I have to admit to being slightly envious he got over being afraid of the dark soon after that while I'm still scared of spiders," she confesses, rubbing the back of her neck. "I still scream whenever I see one. Gabriel teases me about it all the time."

"If it helps any, I'm almost ridiculously claustrophobic," I offer. "Comes from accidently locking myself inside a trunk when I was five and screaming myself nearly hoarse before I got Soris' attention."

"Now, who's Soris? You've mentioned him twice now. He your brother?"

I shake my head. "Close. He's my cousin. Sure was like my brother growing up, though. Got in all kinds of messes together, teased each other about everything and anything, indulged in the occassional mud fight." I smirk. "I usually won."

"I'll bet," she needles, grinning.

oOo

We talk a while longer, about all sorts of things, everything from more about Jowan, to me telling stories about me and Soris, to what she can remember of her family before she came to the tower. I hear the wistful note in her voice as she talks about her mother and sister.

"Khal and I were really close. I mean, we each had a best friend from another family, but she was like my...anchor, the one I could count on to still be there when things went wrong. If Toli and I got in a fight, or one of the boys teased me-there weren't many elves this dark in my Alienage-or whatever, she was there to help me feel better. Even if all I needed to do was cry and pour out whatever was bothering me. But the templars found me when I was five, after I froze a guard who'd been harrassing Toli." She shrugs. "I haven't seen any of them since."

"Mm. Did you go looking for them after you joined the Wardens?" I know I wanted nothing more than to check on my family after Ostagar, a drive that only intensified after our first visit to Denerim revealed the Alienage was barricaded and they weren't letting anyone in.

She shakes her head. "With the conditions in our Alienage, they're probably dead. Khal or Toli may be slave to some twisted noble, and I don't want to see that."

"Guess I can understand that."

"Besides, after I got to the tower, I had a new anchor, and he was that more than twice as long as Khal was."

"Jowan?" I guess, fairly confident that I'm right.

Miri nods. "Uh-huh. Another reason it was so easy to forgive him. When someone's your anchor, you don't want to lose them."

"Yet another thing I understand, unfortunately from the perspective of someone who lost said anchor," I mutter, thinking of Alistair.

"What do you mean?" Miri shakes her head. "Sorry. I shouldn't pry. You barely know me."

"S'alright. The man I love died fighting the archdemon." The present tense 'love' was very much on purpose; I'm not that far over him yet.

From her arched eyebrow, I think Miri can tell. "Would this be the other Grey Warden who stuck the killing blow on the archdemon?"

"Mm-hm." I nod, privately elated I don't burst into tears. "We knew it could happen. I'd been warned countless times what duty might demand. It still hurt, like someone ripped my heart clean out of my chest."

"You don't have to tell me, you know," Miri says softly. "I don't expect you to when we just met last night." She offers a small smile. "And my duty has yet to demand that much from me."

"And I hope it never does." I mean it. I wouldn't wish what I went through after losing Alistair on anyone. And everything points toward me and Miri becoming excellent friends, so that goes double for her. I hope and pray she never loses Gabriel, but especially not like that.

"So do I." She looks out at the shadows tracing over the walls of the fortress and sighs. "And now I need to go meet Gabriel. I promised." She tucks her book under one arm and stands.

I scramble to my feet as well. "Well, I enjoyed talking to you."

Miri chuckles as we walk back in the direction of the library together. "The feeling's mutual. I have to admit, finally being able to tell those stories was fun. Everyone at the tower already knew what happened, so I never actually got to tell them."

"Ah, I see. Wait, does that mean I didn't really need to bribe you?" I look sideways at her.

She attempts to look innocent and fingers the edge of her book. "Maaaaybe." The innocent look turns to a smirk. "Okay, I probably would have told you any way. But, look at it this way: giving me chocolate is a very good way to stay on my good side and not end up frozen to a wall or something."

I have to laugh. "Miri, I've arrived at a decision."

She tugs open the door between the main fortress and the aeries. "What?"

"I like you. And I think we should be friends, even if it's only to drive Jowan crazy."

"I like the way you think, Rahna." She makes a face and shakes her head. "But I don't think I could be that mean to Jowan."

"Oh, I couldn't either, at least not on a regular basis. But we could just drive him crazy every once in a while. Y'know, for special occassions."

She considers this as we walk before nodding. "That I could do." We're both silent for a few steps before she speaks again. "Rahna, are...are you worried? About tomorrow?"

"You mean the Joining?" I sigh and nod, feathering one hand through my hair. "Terrified. I've...I've seen enough death, lost enough people I care about. I don't want to lose any more."

Miri bites her lip. "There were four others at my Joining. Two of them didn't make it. I don't want to watch that again, especially...especially if he doesn't make it."

"I'm rather petrified of that idea myself. Unfortunately, I think I have to be there. Because of who I am and all."

"Oh, the whole Hero of Ferelden thing?"

I nod and reach for the door handle to the library. "Yeah. So now I have to go. My heart's gonna be in my throat the whole time, though. Seeing anyone dying like that will be horrible enough, but I especially don't want to see Jowan-" I shudder, leaving the sentence unfinished, and shake my head. "Let's not talk about, hm?"

She nods. "Sounds like a good idea to me."

oOo

Gabriel's in the library, sitting sideways in a chair and completely engrossed in the book he's reading.

"Lose track of time, love?" Miri teases, stepping up behind him and tugging gently on his hair.

"Huh?" He looks up at her.

She takes advantage of the way his head's tipped back and swoops down for a kiss.

"Swooping is bad..." I smirk and bite back a laugh at the voice echoing in my head. Not always, Alistair. You didn't seem to mind too much, either. "I think I'll just leave you two alone," I mutter, feeling the jealous twinge again as I turn and leave. I need to go start psyching myself up for the Joining tomorrow, anyway.

oOo

There are eight recruits taking the Joining, counting Jowan. He's the only mage. There are three other men, all of them look like warriors, a woman who looks like a rogue-probably an archer, an elf who's probably also a rogue, if the knives in his belt are any indication, and two dwarves, one covered in tattoos, the other not. They also look like they're warriors, but dwarves are built...sturdier than elves, so I could be wrong about that.

Once everyone necessary is in the room, the recruits in a loose circle in the middle and the Senior Wardens standing along the walls-I try not to think about why they're fully armed-the First Warden begins by speaking the starting words. My heart starts pounding with the first syllable. "Join us, brothers and sisters..."

Maker, please don't let Jowan die.

"Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that can not be forsworn..."

I don't want to lose one more person I care about.

"And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten..."

First Nelaros dies, then Alistair, then Zevran left to go back to Antiva...Jowan's the best friend I have at the moment.

"And that one day we shall join you." The traditional beginning said and done, the First Warden nods to the Senior Warden holding the Joining chalice. He approaches the first recruit, one of the warriors.

"From this moment forth, Andrew, you are a Grey Warden." The blond man drinks, staggers, and crumples to the ground.

"He lives."

The second warrior, a huge, dark haired man I suspect is Rivani, fares the same; drinks from the goblet, sways, and collapses.

Again, "He lives."

I feel the adrenaline racheting up my heart rate and wish Jowan had been first as I curl sweaty hands into fists. Maker, I'm going to be insane from this tension.

The Senior Warden hands the goblet to the woman. "From this moment forth, Teresia, you are a Grey Warden."

I know. Before she even hands the chalice back to the Senior Warden, I can tell what's going to happen. The sound of her choking echoes through the chamber, ricocheting off remorseless stone walls that have witnessed this ritual times beyond counting. Sweet Andraste...

Regret in his eyes-I can see it from clear across the room-the Senior Warden extends the chalice to Jowan. He takes it, and our eyes meet across the room.

I nod, trying to hide the dread worming its way into my heart. Once you're this far, there's no turning back. Duty demands it. You leave as either a Grey Warden or a corpse.

Jowan nods in response, takes a deep breath...

I feel what exists of my fingernails dig into my palms as my hands ball into even tighter fists. Sweet sodding Maker, please...

...and drinks.

A/N: Whew...Maker, the Joining was hard to write... anyhoo, sorry I'm A)cutting it off there(it was getting long. Okay, I also enjoy the occassional evil-beyond-belief cliffhanger) and B)slightly late posting. I blame the difficulty writing the Joining, a family Christmas party last night, and Fenris. I swear, the discussion thread about him on the BSN is the first one I've religiously followed. =P I could not concentrate on writing until I had caught up on the thread. Sorry.