Ok I'm terribly sorry. There are hundred of reasons for why I haven't updated and I'm not going to list them but just know that they're good and that I'm sorry. I've written this one as another songfic because I think this is a great song and it fit sort of nicely. Thanks for your patience this is "What I've Done" by Linkin Park for anyone that cares. This is Max again.
I was in intense pain. I was shaking, my blood was pulsing through my body at an insane speed and my back was on fire. But that wasn't what hurt. It was the constricting pain around my chest. My heart was screaming at me to face up to myself. To finally own up to what I'd done. Behind me I knew Fang was about to leave. I didn't even know if I could stop him anymore, but I had to try. Even if he left anyway, I would know I had done everything in my power to make him stay. This was my fault but maybe I could still fix it. I reached deep inside myself and called out to him.
"Fang wait, please . . . we need to talk."
He stopped wrestling with the window and I heard him sigh heavily.
"Max . . ." He sounded tired, so tired "I don't know if I can talk anymore."
Those words stabbed into me. He couldn't have hurt me more if he had beaten me within an inch of my life. I could hear the regret in his voice. I began to realise that I might not be able to fix this. This could be goodbye.
In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
I took a deep breath and stared at the wall. I could hear him behind me, opening the window. I closed my eyes and tried not to move. There was nothing I could do anymore. I could feel him slipping away. He probably didn't even care how it had happened. That wasn't why he was so angry. Even I knew that. It was because I'd kept it from him, just like everything else. I just couldn't tell him, I couldn't see the pain on his face when he found out what I'd done. He hadn't needed to know, it was in the past, it would only have hurt him. So I had protected him. But maybe I had been wrong. Why was everything I did wrong?
I heard the window slide open and I winced at the sound. I felt my right hand tighten around something soft and warm and I looked down. I was still holding his shirt. For a moment, I could do nothing but stare at it. Then I felt the anger at my own stupidity well up inside of me and I turned and hurled it across the room. It hit him in the back and I saw him flinch. I felt the scars on my back screaming at me and my whole body shuddered as I pulled myself back behind the bed. I returned to where he'd left me; my back leaning against the bed and my legs braced against the wall. I heard him turn slowly to reclaim his shirt and a single tear slid down my face. Regret seeped through me, for everything I'd done to him, to them. I was a monster.
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies
I reminded myself that I deserved this. Why had I expected a happy ending? Why had I allowed myself to hope? Why did this have to hurt him too? I could understand that I deserved this pain, this agony, but why Fang? Why should he suffer? I would have given anything to take away his pain. Maybe if I just explained what had happened? Would that make it worse? What had I left to lose? I opened my mouth to start and I heard the window slide closed. My mouth hung open with the unspoken words. It was over. I had lost my chance. He was gone, again. My eyes slid closed and I dropped my head into my hands. A sob escaped my lips and then I let go of all of the tears I had been trying to hold back. I had really hurt him. I prayed to the God I wasn't sure existed to help him, to stop his pain. I wanted him to be happy. Maybe something could make him forget everything I'd done and only remember the Flock. It hurt but I asked this God to make him forget me. I'd be gone soon and then he could come back to them and he'd never know this pain. I hoped this God could wash away his pain in the way I couldn't.
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I've done
I thought of the person I was and the person I'd become. I didn't like me anymore. All I did anymore was hurt the people I loved by keeping secrets from them. Every time I tried to protect them I hurt them. It was best that I'd be gone soon. Maybe then they could forget about me and get on with their lives. If only there were a way to let them all forget about me now. If I could go back and stop myself from ever having existed would they be better off? I supposed I'd never know.
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
A noise behind me stopped my thoughts. I lifted my head from my hands and saw Fang kneeling down beside me. I stared at him in confusion and he smiled slightly.
"I couldn't leave." He said simply. "I need you and you need me and they need both of us."
I continued to stare at him and he sighed.
"I hate that I do this to you." He reached out and touched the tear streaks on my cheek.
"Not you," I shook my head. "Me. I do this to myself. I hurt you, I lie to you and I keep secrets from you. I do this to myself."
"Max," he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. "Why do you lie to me? Why do you keep secrets?"
"To protect you." I whispered.
"From what?" He asked quietly.
"From my mistakes, from the pain."
"Max, where did those scars come from?"
I took a deep breath and looked up at him. I saw my best friend, the person I loved and trusted above all others and even though I wanted to save him from the pain, I knew it was time to tell him the truth.
"I did something," I said uncertainly, "Something stupid."
He watched me carefully and nodded slightly for me to continue.
"It was the first Christmas after you . . ." I trailed off, unable to say it.
He winced and pulled me slightly closer. I bit my lip but knew I had to continue.
Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
"We went to my mom's and she cooked us a big dinner and we were all sitting there and suddenly Ella said how nice it was that we could all finally be together as a family at Christmas. It wasn't her fault, she couldn't possibly have realised what she was saying, but we weren't all together. We were missing one, an important one and it was such a fresh pain, it had been so recent that I snapped. I ran outside and flew. I didn't even check to see if anyone was around I just . . . flung myself into the sky."
I paused and looked at him. His face was closed, his jaw tight, I could see him hiding the pain but I could read it in his face as easily as if he had told me himself.
"Do you really want to hear the rest?" I asked quietly.
He glanced at me and nodded tightly. I swallowed and continued my story.
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I've done
"I got so high, and I didn't really know what I was going to do, I was just so upset and angry. When I lost all will to continue beating my wings. I just . . . didn't see the point in trying anymore. I felt like I was fighting to stay afloat when all I really wanted to do was sink. So I just stopped."
His arms tensed around me and I wished I could go back and stop myself from doing what I'd done, if only to stop his pain. I stopped talking and leaned my head against his shoulder. We sat there for a moment before he spoke.
"What happened?" It was as if the question had been ripped out of him unwillingly, but there it was, and it needed to be answered,
I closed my eyes remembering the sensation of falling through the air, knowing that any moment I would hit the ground and it would all be over. I shuddered and started to explain how I had survived the freefall that should have killed me.
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
"I had expected to hit the ground, but I hadn't been watching the landscape. I had ended up over the houses again. I saw them at the last moment and tried to pull out. I didn't want to hit someone's home; they might discover the Flock if they found a dead mutant's body on their roof, or even, at the speed I was going, in their living room. So I tried to pull up, but I wasn't fast enough. I ended up hitting a weather vane on one of the roofs. I caught one wing in it and twisted it up in the points. That's why there are three different scars. I would have died then if Angel hadn't followed me. She saved me. She even dragged me home. And Iggy and Mom saved my life between them. I was lucky, you could say. Or maybe I was unlucky. I never could decide." I pulled away from him and sighed. "I'll understand if you hate me now. I already do."
For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done!
I expected him to leave. I expected him to yell at me. I expected him to hate me. I expected a lot of things. I didn't expect what happened next.
"I'm so sorry." He choked.
I turned to stare at him. Why was he apologising?
"If I had never left, this would never have happened." He spat. "I-"
"Stop." I whispered.
He looked at me.
"I never blamed you for any of this." I whispered.
"I never blamed you." He replied softly.
I stared at him. We'd been blaming ourselves for everything and thinking the other person hated us for all those things we'd done out of desperation. There were so many other things to be sad about that we didn't need to heap unnecessary blame on ourselves as well. I realised that we needed to forgive each other and ourselves and let go of the past. I felt a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. I reached out for Fang and placed my hand carefully on his cheek. His hand flew up to cover mine and I smiled.
"Can we forgive ourselves for things we can't change?" I asked.
"I'll always regret that I missed all that time with you." He said softly. "And that I drove you to that." He placed a hand lightly on my back and I winced. His jaw tightened again and I moved my hand to his mouth, stopping him from speaking.
"Let it go Fang," I begged. "Please."
I watched him wrestle with his emotions and I waited.
After a moment he nodded and I relaxed into a smile. His returning smile was blinding and he pulled me closer again.
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
We sat there for a long time until we heard the clock in the hall chime midnight. He moved to stand and I reached out for him.
"Don't go."
He pulled me up carefully and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
"I have to go, you need sleep." He said smiling slightly.
"Couldn't you sleep here?" I asked cautiously.
He stilled. "Do you really want me to?" He asked softly.
I nodded, "Yes, always."
He smiled and leaned his forehead against mine. "Alright, but just to sleep. You've had a heck of a day."
I nodded and he picked me up gently and placed me lightly under the covers of my bed. Then he kicked off his shoes and climbed in beside me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I fell asleep finally with his breath blowing lightly against my cheek.
What I've done
Forgiving what I've done
So there it is. I hope you liked it. I know it's not that long but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. I know I did. YAY FAX! SO here's hoping I haven't lost all my reviewers, which I know I would deserve, but I still really wouldn't like it. I'll try to update as soon as possible. Thanks for your patience. Cat