Episode 2x16: The Miller's Daughter

A younger, slightly less diabolical Cora arrived home to find her father passed out drunk, as usual. "Dad, you're more useless than the Blue Fairy and the Genie of Agrabah put together!"

"If you don't like it, then why don't you move out?" her father slurred. "You've got to be at least thirty years old."

"I'm afraid leaving an abusive parent is illegal in our universe, unless you're a plucky little boy," Cora informed him sadly, piling flour sacks into a wheelbarrow. "Which reminds me, if my boyfriend Jiminy drops by, tell him I've gone to deliver the flour, but I'll be back in plenty of time for our puppet show date."

Cora arrived at the palace and began unloading the flour sacks. "This job sucks. There's not nearly enough violence involved."

"Allow me to rectify that!" said Princess Eva, tripping her as she walked past.

"Hey! What the hell was that for?" Cora spluttered, scrambling to her feet.

"Injuring servants is a hobby of mine, and all mine have quit, for some unknown reason. So I thought I'd borrow one of his to hone my skills on," Eva replied, indicating King Xavier.

"Sounds perfectly reasonable to me," Xavier said cheerfully. "Now apologize to Princess Eva."

"For what?" Cora asked incredulously.

"You forgot to say, 'Thank you, Your Highness, may I have another?'"

"Do you always treat your subjects like this?"

"Yes, he does," the king's valet, who was badly bruised and missing a number of body parts, replied for him.

Cora arched an eyebrow quizzically. "Does the word 'revolution' mean anything to you, Your Majesty?

"Just cave in immediately and do as you're told," a younger, hotter, inexplicably taller Henry the First urged her. "I always have."

"Really?" Cora looked utterly dazzled. "I think I'm in love."

Eva tapped her foot impatiently. "Excuse me, but my ego hasn't been stroked in several seconds."

"You heard the lady," Xavier prodded. "Apologize, or I won't let you work for me anymore."

"Fine, then take this job and shove it." She dumped the flour on the floor and started to leave.

Henry the First grabbed her by the arm. "But if you quit, we'll never get another chance to flirt!" he protested.

Cora checked him out for a moment, then turned to Eva. "Complaint withdrawn. I beg your pardon, Your Highness."

Henry was standing at the helm of the Jolly Rancher, steering under his father's watchful eye. "Hey Dad, we've both picked up the art of sailing remarkably quickly. Does that mean we're somehow related to the sea god Poseidon?"

Neal just groaned. "Please, son, don't give the writers any ideas."

Belowdecks, Emma was tending Gold's wounds. "Why are you being so nice to me? To spite Neal?" he asked curiously.

"No, I'm helping you because, apparently, allowing a serial murderer who threatens the lives of one's whole family to die is now considered evil." The savior shrugged helplessly. "I don't make the rules, but as protagonist, I'm obligated to follow them."

"You do realize that saving my life is probably going to doom pretty much everyone, right?"

"Yeah, probably, but you're my estranged son's estranged father's estranged father, and such an intimate familial tie far outweighs my duty to the town full of innocent people I've sworn to protect."

Back in Storybrooke, David was on his cellphone with Mary Margaret. "According to Emma, this wound is so bad that even kissing probably couldn't cure it."

Mary Margaret gasped. "But kissing cures everything!"

"Not this time, baby. They're on their way back here to cure him."

"Er…why?"

"Because he's distantly related to us now, and nepotism is stronger than hate."

"Well, I guess it's as good a reason as any. Just let them know that wicked woman has the knife, and will probably be descending on them with her army of playing cards any minute now."

At the Mayoral Lair, Cora knocked the speaker she'd been eavesdropping on them with to the floor. "Cora SMASH!"

Regina gaped at her. "Mom, are you…angry?"

"Yes."

"But that's an emotion."

"Hey, I have every right to be mad! That magic box called me wicked! And I'm not wicked; I'm anti-good—there's a big difference!"

"It's not a magic box. It's a wiretap."

"How am I supposed to know that? And furthermore, how do you? It's not like you have a cursed persona to fall back on." Cora brushed the question aside. "Eh, you can handwave that later. Right now, we've got bigger problems to worry about. Like Rumplestiltskin and his giant brain."

"But he's injured. And physically handicapped. And cripplingly depressed. And no longer magical, apparently." Regina frowned. "Come to think of it, even if we can enslave him, how much help is he going to actually be?"

Cora glanced down at the dagger, and found the Dark One's name fading. "Aw, nuts, he's going to die before I even get the chance to score!"

"I've asked you a hundred times not to say stuff like that in front of me."

"Sorry, pumpkin. The point is, since he's dying, I'll have to become the Dark One. If I do that, there's nothing I won't be able to do. Unless somebody pokes me with a hook. Then I'm screwed." Cora turned to admire herself in one of Regina's many mirrors. "I'm going to miss these gorgeous teeth, but it'll be a small price to pay for unlimited power."

"Mother!"

"Oh, and my daughter's happiness, too," Cora added absently.

The younger evil queen sighed. "Mom, I'm not stupid. I thought I maybe could pretend, ignorance being bliss and all, but I can't. You don't care about Henry, at all! You're just trying to steal Gold's power."

"Relax, honey, I'm just trying to protect you."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but last time you tried to protect me, I ended up with a dead fiance and a borderline-abusive husband."

"Hey, don't make me sing 'Mother Knows Best', young lady!"

At the king's palace, Xavier was holding a masquerade ball to honor, or at least insult less than usual, his son Henry. While an intruder, who was dressed as the Red Death and ranting about some show called Don Juan Triumphant, had the rest of the guests distracted, Cora snuck in and swiped a mask. "I hate these slimy bastards so much. Why the hell am I risking life and limb for the pleasure of their company?"

Henry the First strutted over, dressed as a slab of meat. "Yo."

"Oh, right. The hottie." She looked him over. "What's with the costume?"

"My dad gave me the choice between wearing this, or a thong and a bottle of hot oil." The prince sighed. "It seemed like the lesser of two evils."

"So all these women are here to buy your hand in marriage?"

"Yeah, but if you can't afford marriage, I'm authorized to offer you five minutes in the coat closet for just three easy payments of nineteen ninety-nine." King Xavier walked by, surreptitiously elbowing his son. "I also accept Visa, Discover, and travelers' checks," Prince Henry added reluctantly.

"Er, how about a dance?" Cora suggested uneasily.

"Okay, but if you're planning on feeling me up, there's a fee for that." He led her out onto the dance floor. "So what brings you here?"

"My fairy godmother sent me in a carriage made out of pumpkins."

Henry the First laughed his head off. "Yeah, right, good one!"

"Thanks, I try," Cora demurred.

"Excuse me, son, but I've noticed that you're having fun, and I've come to put a stop to it." King Xavier shoved the prince aside. "Get back out there and show some skin, damn it!" He fell into step with Cora. "And as for you, I thought I told you to ditch the self-respect!"

"You've got a lot of nerve, talking to me about self-respect. You're prostituting your own child for wealth and power. Why, I wouldn't be caught dead doing something so vile!" Cora scoffed.

"Cut me some slack, it's been a real strain on the treasury lately, putting down all the revolutions that I've incited with my undisguised hatred of my subjects. Speaking of which, drop dead, worthless slave."

"I'm not worthless. I can grind grain into meal, which is one more job skill than you'll ever have, you lazy old pimp."

The king yawned. "Bor-ring."

"Uh, I can eat with chopsticks?"

"No you can't, that's physically impossible."

"I've gone my entire life without whoring a loved one?"

The king was still not impressed. "Wait a few years."

"Okay, how about this? I can spin straw into gold."

"Yeah right, then prove it."

She stuck out her tongue. "Make me."

"All right." He whistled. "Guards, take her to the tower!"

"Damn, still a peasant," she cursed under her breath. "I keep forgetting."

David, Mary Margaret and Ruby were waiting at the docks when the Jolly Rancher pulled up. "Are you okay?" Mary Margaret asked her daughter.

"Well, the love of my life is marrying another woman, my son hates me, and we're all about to die, but other than that, yeah, I'm cool. How are you?"

"The woman who raised me was just flung to her death before my very eyes, by the other woman who raised me, thanks for asking." She held up a large platter of Zoloft cupcakes. "Care to join me?"

"Oh hell, yes."

Meanwhile, the men of the Charmingstiltskin family were doing some catching up of their own. "Gramps," said Henry to David, "I'd like you to meet my dad. And put down the sword—you're scaring him."

"Henry, he knocked up my daughter, abandoned her, and had her wrongfully imprisoned!"

"But just look at that face. How can you possibly stay mad at a face like that?" Henry prodded Neal, who shyly flashed his patented Little Orphan Bae smile.

"He's so…charming," a dazzled David breathed. "That settles it. This guy was born to be one of us." He clapped Neal on the back. "Welcome to the family, son."

"Ahem," said Gold. "I'm still dying over here, if anyone cares."

"Sorry," said David. "Is Cora working her magic remote on you yet?"

"No, you're all alive and my pants are still on."

Mary Margaret shuddered. "And for either of those things to change would be an unspeakable horror." She took up her bow and quiver. "Time for me to do what I do best."

"Please don't, honey," David begged. "My doctor says if I throw myself in front of any more of your arrows, I could lose my arm."

"David, Cora murdered my mother in cold blood, and is about to do the same thing to us and everyone we hold dear. What are we supposed to do, yell at her and take away her Xbox?"

"No, I'm okay with you killing her. I just don't want you killing her in vengeance."

"Oh, swell. I'll kill her out of affection and gentle good humor, then," Mary Margaret grumbled.

Emma went over to Gold and offered him one of her cupcakes. "Are you okay?"

"Can we all please stop asking each other that? I think it's been established that absolutely no one in this family is okay right now." He collapsed into the back of David's truck. "Now take me back to the Little Pawnshop of Horrors. Maybe we'll get lucky and Cora will be too frightened of the puppets to come in after us."

"Can I come?" Henry asked.

"No, you'd only uncover the villains secrets, unravel their schemes, and reunite us with our loved ones some more," Emma scoffed. "You'll be much safer in the clutches of this werewolf known for dabbling in cannibalism."

"Hey, I only did that a couple of times," Ruby protested, leading the boy to her car.

Locked in her tower full of straw for the night, Cora nervously peeked out the window. "Damn it, where's Abu when you need him?"

Rumplestiltskin popped out of nowhere, as usual. "You'll never get out that way, dearie. I mean, I guess there's always a chance that, before you hit the ground, a fairy will happen to fly by with extra fairy dust that she'll be willing to sprinkle on you. But it's a pretty slim one."

"Who the hell are you?"

"A cackling, leering green monster. I'm sure there's nothing suspicious about that?"

"Of course not." She offered him her hand. "Name's Cora."

"Hey, that's the Greek name for the goddess Persephone. Does that mean you're romantically attracted to dark, brooding villains, too?" He batted his eyelashes coyly.

"Dude, I'm about to die," she reminded him. "I'm not really in the mood right now."

"Oh, right. My evil plan," he said absently, sitting down at the wheel.

"Which evil plan is that?"

"Number #2,302,912," he replied nonchalantly. "You see, in the first of many, many, many coincidences, I just happen to know how to spin straw into gold."

"No you don't. You're probably just saying that to impress me."

"Well, it's actually a little of both," he admitted, spinning a strand of gold and holding it out for her perusal. "Is it working?"

She smiled coyly. "Yeah. So, what do you want in return for helping me? Sex?"

"No."

"Damn."

"I want your child."

"I'm flattered, but not interested," said Cora, playing hard-to-get.

Rumplestiltskin giggled. "That's a great line. Mind if I borrow it sometime?"

"Knock yourself out. So, what do you want with my child?"

"To warp and abuse her."

"Aw, but I wanted to be the one to do that!" Cora whined.

"Take it or leave it."

Cora considered the offer. "And, gold aside, you can really spin an entire room full of fibers into thread in one night? Do you have powers of super-speed you're not telling me about?"

"Yep."

"Cool! Can you teach me that? Oh, and the gold trick, too?"

"Well, on one hand, giving my secrets away like this could destabilize the balance of power in this dimension and unravel my entire life's work." His eyes traveled down her body. "But on the other hand, you're sexy." He genuflected. "Call me Rumplestiltskin. Or if you can't pronounce that, I also answer to 'hot stuff.'"

Cora burst out laughing. "Your name is 'Cute Little Gimpy Noisy Man'?! I can't call that out in the throes of passion! I'll be the laughingstock of the entire dimension!" Her eyes traveled down his body. "But on the other hand, you've got leather pants.

At the Little Pawnshop of Horrors, the Charmings settled Gold on the bed he kept at his workplace to facilitate the creation of smutfics. Emma walked in, holding an empty jar. "What the hell did you make me dig up this empty jar for? Are we going to bludgeon Regina to death with it?" she inquired hopefully.

"No, there's invisible chalk in it. Emma, I want you to draw a line in the front doorway with it. Bae, I want you to get the rosary beads out of the display case and pray that the evil queens don't realize there's a back door and a bunch of windows they can easily use to get around it."

Neal and Emma obediently went into the next room together, David following to make sure another grandchild wouldn't ensue. "Da-ad, you're embarrassing me!" Emma whined.

Mr. Gold summoned the last of his strength to giggle evilly, which should have been an oxymoron. Mary Margaret sighed. "All right, spit it out. What evil scheme are you going to drag me into this time?" Gold wordlessly handed her Cora's citronkilla candle. "How did you get this?"

"The same way I got everyone else's possessions."

"…Which is?"

"None of your business."

Emma and Neal were kneeling on the floor of Gold's front room; the former miming with all her might, the latter clasping his hands and bowing his head. Setting his beads aside, he cracked one eye. "So…you have magical superpowers because your parents loved each other? How the hell does that work?"

The savior rolled her eyes. "You don't get to make jabs about other people's family trees. You're the two-hundred-year-old scion of an interdimensional dynasty of pirates and witches."

"I choose to take that comment as an expression of jealousy toward Tamara."

Emma blinked. "Huh?"

David hauled the two lovebirds apart. "Neal, I really want this relationship to work, so I think you should stop talking to her until you can start making sense." He placed an arm around the older man's shoulders. "Come on, son, I'll give you a crash course in the Charming Family Charm."

"How are you doing?" Mary Margaret asked Gold, looking fearful of the answer.

"I thought we all agreed not to ask each other that question anymore," the pawnbroker growled. "If, for some unfathomable reason, you want to save me, you'll have to use the candle."

"I wouldn't use this candle to save my own mother!"

"It's a damn good thing, too. If you'd grown up around her influence, you'd probably be a real jerk."

"Shut up!" she snapped. "I'm not going to sacrifice Cora's life for yours! Killing, under any circumstances, is evil!"

"Then why did you kill all those royal henchmen during the war with Regina?"

"That was completely different. They didn't have names."

Gold was getting annoyed. "Look, this is in your best interest. If I die, you'll have no one to go to for advice every week."

Mary Margaret thought for a moment. "I could steal Cora's heart, enslave her, and then go to her for advice when I needed it."

"You've got to be kidding." Gold rolled his eyes. "The first rule of the fantasy genre is that people enslaved by magic always end up breaking free of their chains. Remember Graham?"

"Who?"

He facepalmed. "Then save me for Henry's sake. After all, I'm his dear…" Gold cringed. "Pop-Pop."

Luckily, Emma walked in before he could demean himself any further. "I drew the invisible line…I think. What now?"

"You're going to cast a protection spell."

"How?"

"I'll show you, but you have to sit in my lap and let me grope you first." David, Mary Margaret, Emma, and Neal all drew their weapons on him. "What? It's a legitimate technique; I do it with all my students."

Emma cocked her pistol menacingly. "Not this time, old man."

Gold pouted. "Fine, then try letting your emotions guide you instead."

Emma holstered the gun and closed her eyes. "Whoa. I think I just took a level in wizard."

Cora attempted to glare a clump of errant straw into submission, but she just didn't have her daughter's talent. "This job isn't violent enough for me, either."

"I know the feeling. Just close your eyes and think about murder, dearie," Rumplestiltskin advised.

"You're a complete sicko." Cora fanned herself. "I love that in a man. Or whatever the hell you are."

"Thanks. Now, back to the straw. I'll show you how to do it, but you have to sit in my lap and let me grope you first."

"Ooh, okay!" Cora jumped into his lap, and plastered her lips against his.

The imp gaped at her. "Wow. That line doesn't usually work." He spun her back around to face the wheel. "Okay, you've got to survive now. You're the first hope I've had of scoring in two hundred years."

Cora placed her hands on the wheel and began to spin. "Let's see, murder…murder…well, I guess I could start by killing the brat who destroyed my dignity and set this whole terrible course of events in action. Or maybe I should give her the chance to reproduce first, so that I can have the sadistic pleasure of tormenting some innocent children."

"Your bloodlust is so sexy when it's directed at people who aren't me," the Dark One trilled happily. "Plus, it seems to be saving your life." He nodded at a length of gold thread hanging off of the spindle.

But Cora couldn't hear him anymore. "…And maybe when I get bored with torturing them, I'll strangle some baby bunnies and make their parents watch."

"Mmmm, hot!"

In front of a crowd the next day, Cora presented Xavier with a strand of gold. "You're welcome."

The king gaped at her in disbelief. "But you're a commoner. Commoners aren't supposed to know how to do anything except grovel."

"You're welcome." The king didn't take the hint. "Nice social skills your parents taught you, Your Majesty," Cora sneered, tapping her foot impatiently. "Can I have my sexy yes-man now?"

"Fine, whatever." Xavier shoved Henry the First at her. "I've never loved him—someone may as well give it a try."

Henry knelt. "Cora, will you do me the honor of accepting my hand in marriage?"

Cora glanced over at Rumplestiltskin, who was wearing his Clark Kent hood. "Will it bother you if our children should happen to come out green, Prince Henry?"

"Uh, I guess not."

"Then what the hell, I guess it could work." Shrugging, Cora accepted the proffered ring.

Outside the Little Pawnshop of Horrors, David was studying his wife, looking worried. "What's wrong with you? Is Gold being his usual disturbing self?"

"Well, yeah, but I'm pretty sure it was unintentional this time."

David hugged her. "Comfort mode."

She melted like a witch under a bucketful of water. "Gods, I love this man." Then a tremor ran through the shop. "Aw, nuts, is Henry down in the mines again?"

Outside, Cora and Regina conjured up a fireball, blasted through Baby's First Protection Spell, and barged in, as usual. Inside the shop, they found Emma, David, and Neal armed with swords, because Regina had been smart enough to enact a set of very strict gun control laws before she came over. "Regina, you can't seriously be thinking of killing Gold, after all he's done for you. What about the time when he set you up for attempted murd…uh, or the time he talked you into murdering your…uh…" The savior sighed. "Okay, I've got nothing, but he's related to me now, so I've still got to defend him."

"Shut up, Swan, I hate your guts!" Regina snarled, then turned to David. "Yours too!" Then she turned to Neal. "I have no idea who you are or what you're doing here, but yours too!"

"Times! I have to go to the bathroom!" Mary Margaret blurted, darting out the back door.

Cora glanced at her daughter. "Hey, do you think maybe one of us should go after her?"

"Nah, I'm sure she doesn't bear us any ill will," Regina replied dismissively, tossing a fireball at the remaining Charmingstiltskins.

David swatted it aside with his sword. "Why do you people keep using that trick on us? It never works."

"It's the only spell the special effects team knows how to animate," Regina explained sadly. Then she perked up. "Say, I know! I could do a push spell—those don't require animation." She magicked David out the front door and slammed it behind him.

Outside, David fiddled with the lock inexpertly. "Oh, if only she'd thrown Neal out here with me," the quasi-prince lamented.

Cora, who apparently wasn't as creative as they'd been led to believe, used the same spell on Emma. "Hey!" Neal barked indignantly. "No one hurts Emma but me, and maybe August, if he feels like it!"

He ran at her with his sword, and Cora evaporated into a puff of dark smoke. Regina gaped at her mother. "Wow, Mom, is your biological mother the Smoke Monster or something?"

"Oh, probably," Cora replied. She lunged for the dagger she'd dropped, instead of just summoning it into her hand again, because she'd used up all her mana points on the smoke trick.

Emma suddenly remembered that she was in the evil lair of a supervillain, and decided to make use of one of the many dangerous objects in it, holding a knife to Regina's throat. Neal smirked victoriously at Cora. "So what's it gonna be? The all-powerful dagger, or your only child?" He crossed his fingers and started chanting under his breath, "Please be a better parent than mine, please be a better parent than mine, please be a better parent than mine…"

"Sorry to disappoint you," said Cora, gulping a mana potion and summoning the dagger.

Fed up, Emma decided to kick it old school. "Emma SMASH!" she roared, shoving Evil Queen #2 at Evil Queen #1 and whacking them both over the head with her chainsaw. "Quick, Neal, I've got the invisible chalk…I think. Let's get back to your dad!"

Neal folded his arms stubbornly, digging his heels in. "No, I'm still not speaking to him."

"Oh, for the love of Aslan!" Emma grabbed her alleged ex by the ear and dragged him to safety. "Men," she grumbled, scribbling another magic line in the doorway.

"Oh, brilliant strategy. It certainly worked well the first time," Cora sneered, pointing back at the front door. "Regina! Blast down this barrier so that I can smack some sense into their heads before I kill them!" The elder evil queen paused. "Dear gods, is something…tugging at my heartstrings?"

"No, that can't be," Regina scoffed. "Your heart is in a locked strongbox in a locked room in a locked vault."

"…Locked?"

"You forgot to lock all of them? And you have the nerve to call yourself an evil genius?!" Regina facepalmed.

Cora smacked her. "Just go get my heart back. Without it, I'm just the 'The Queen', and that's your title." As Regina fled, Cora eyed the barrier in her path derisively. "Hiding's beneath you, Rumple."

"Just like you used to be, baby!" Gold wolf-whistled back at her.

"Oh, that does it! You're toast, buddy!"

At King Xavier's castle, Cora was trying on her wedding gown. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the bitterest witch of all?"

Rumplestiltskin popped out of nowhere, as usual. "I am, of course, but you're a pretty close second, dearie." He smooched her, and to the relief of Rumbelle shippers everywhere, remained green.

"Mm, adultery is the best," Cora sighed happily. "You know, I've been thinking about my new trophy husband. I thought I wanted to be a princess, but princess have to sing and frolic all the time, which makes me violently ill. I think I'd rather be Mrs. Stiltskin."

"Are you blind or something? I'm green, and my teeth are covered in mold, and I can't seem to get rid of this stupid perm."

"I don't care. I love you for what's inside you."

Rumplestiltskin raised his eyebrows. "You should really leave that to Belle. It's not at all your style."

"Come on, Rumple!" Cora whined. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life with Henry—what if someday he spontaneously shrinks by over a foot, gains a hundred pounds, and loses all his hair?"

"I wouldn't wish such a fate on anyone," Rumplestiltskin admitted. "All right, how about a new deal?"

"The conservatives won't like it, but I'm listening."

"What if, instead of owing me some random firstborn child, you owe me my own child?" Rumplestiltskin glanced around, puzzled. "What was that noise?"

"Just the Evil Regals and the Dearies simultaneously crying out in terror," Cora replied dismissively. "Pay them no mind. But don't you already have a child of your own?"

"Yeah, but by the time I find him, he probably won't be cute anymore."

"Fair enough. Count me in," Cora agreed. "There's just one thing."

"Fine, fine, I get it. If we have a boy, his name will be Cory," Rumplestiltskin conceded.

"No. Well, yes, but I also want you to teach me how to rip out King Xavier's heart and show it to him before I kill him."

Rumplestiltskin hesitated. "I'll make you a deal. I'll teach you the move, but only if you promise not to use it on me."

"Sure." Cora raised her right hand. "I promise I will not tear out your heart and crush it to dust...literally."

"Sweet. Now, how about a kiss?"

Cora handed him a toothbrush. "How about a dental check-up?"

Over at the graveyard, Mary Margaret got out a chainsaw she'd stolen from her daughter's closet and prepared to cut through the lock on the front door of Regina's vault. However, the only defense she found was a sign hung from the doorknob, which read, Keep Out. "I never thought I'd say this, but screw the honor system!" She took it off, flung it aside, and let herself in. She began rifling through her stepmom's possessions. "Let's see…pill stash…porno stash…cider stash…old paperwork…" Examining an old birth certificate, Mary Margaret giggled. "Oh my gods, her real name is Grimhilde?! Heh, that could come in handy." She tucked the paper into her pocket for later, then continued her search.

In Gold's back room, Emma's phone began ringing, and she snatched it up irritably. "For the last time, Leroy, I don't want to buy any candles!"

"No, Emma, it's me, Daddy," David explained, dragging his battered body out of a prince-shaped hole in the sidewalk. "Are you and Mommy kicking butt, as usual, or do I need to get in comfort mode?"

"Actually, Mary Margaret's not here."

"You're alone with Neal? Excellent. Tell him not to blow it. But where could your mother be?"

"How should I know? I thought finding her was your department?"

Back in the vault, Mary Margaret victoriously reached for an old shoebox containing Cora's heart. It was labeled Do Not Assassinate. "Weak, Grandma. Weak." She took the heart out. "Well, I guess I could just step on this thing, but it wouldn't be nearly as ironic." Having taken up smoking at some point, she took a cigarette lighter out of her pocket and lit the wick.

Cora found King Xavier going for a leisurely swim in his money bin. "Let me guess. You're a Republican, right?"

Xavier spat a stream of gold coins out of his mouth. "Cora? Are you in the mood to be degraded?"

"No."

"Then why the heck are you coming to me?"

"I have a confession to make. I don't love Henry."

"Good, because your love seems to have a really bad effect on people. No offense, but I've seen your boyfriend." The king shuddered. "Speaking of which, you should totally ditch that guy. Love is a terrible weakness, and nobody ships you two anyway."

Cora started running her hands over his chest, feeling around for his pulse. "Yep, you've got a heart, but it seems to be two sizes too small."

He glanced down at her hand quizzically. "Are you coming on to me? Not that I'm saying no or anything…"

Minutes later, Cora headed back to her room, heart in hand, and pulled the Dead Man's Chest out of her closet. "Who'd have thought I'd ever find a use for this thing?" she mused, tossing Davy Jones' heart aside and locking up the new one in its place.

In desperation, Cora picked up the chainsaw Emma had dropped outside the doorway and attacked the force field with it. "Cora SMASH!" The tool slammed back and hit her in the face. "Damn! Well, it was worth a try."

"It's getting weaker. She's going to get through," Neal lamented.

"Since when are you such a pessimist?" Gold groaned.

"Since puberty," his son replied.

Gold glanced sadly from Emma to Neal. "Dear gods, I seem to be the most optimistic person in this room right now. How sad is that?" He took a deep breath and tried to figure out what Henry would say in his place. "Well, maybe dying won't be so bad. This accursed power will finally pass from this world, and at least I'll never have to worry about running into my father again." The pawnbroker grimaced. "But this is getting rather dark. I think we're overdue for some fluff, here. Emma, hand me your phone. I need to talk to Belle."

"Who's Belle?" Neal asked her curiously.

"How the hell should I know? I've never even met her," said Emma, handing over her phone.

"She's my young, hot girlfriend," Gold explained as he dialed.

"Uh huh." Neal glanced around quizzically. "And, uh, is she here right now?"

"Shut up."

Belle, who was still hospitalized for acute nonconformity, picked up the phone. "Mr. Gold? As I screamed hysterically at you before, I don't remember you."

"I, and everyone within a ten-mile radius know, sweetheart," he gasped raggedly, "but I'm dying."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. "If you're trying to get a pity date out of me, it's working."

"Don't interrupt me while I'm monologuing, dearie." He cleared his throat. "You are a hero, who saved your people, and some guy named Phil. Even more impressive, you somehow mustered enough courage to kiss me with those moldy black teeth of mine. That took some serious guts. You find the good in others, and when it's not there, you nag them until they learn to fake it. You make me want to go back to the best version of myself, and that's never happened before—"

"I love you, too, Papa," Neal interrupted sarcastically.

"I thought I told you to pipe down, boy," Gold snapped. "Anyway, Belle, when you look in the mirror, that's who you should see, unless Sidney starts working with Regina again." He made some kissing noises into the phone and hung it up.

"Wow," said Neal, taking his father's hand. "I think I just became a Rumbelle shipper."

Gold performed a feeble fist pump. "Aw, yeah. Another convert."

"But I'm still mad at you for throwing me down that portal."

"Would it help if I told you that I have a very well-justified phobia of magic beans and was probably not in my right mind at the time, and that I understand, firsthand, the pain of being abandoned by one's father?"

"Yes, it definitely would."

Gold coughed. "Well, I'm a little out of breath and I don't really feel like talking right now, so you're just going to have to suck it up."

Shoebox in hand, Mary Margaret was headed for the door, when Regina barged in, as usual. "Can't you read? That box says 'Do NOT Assassinate!'"

"I wasn't going to assassinate her," said Mary Margaret, who had been taking some lying classes from August, down at the Y. "I was going to give it to you."

"Why?"

"Because I have absolutely no sense of self-preservation."

Regina couldn't argue with that. "So what's the plan?"

"Well, if she had her heart back, she'd stop being so hung-up on marriages of alliance, and you could finally get a new boyfriend."

"Sold." Regina grabbed the heart and ran.

Rumplestiltskin was standing under a tree, trying to carve the words 'Rumple Luvs Cora" into its trunk. However, his mind was wandering, and he wound up writing 'pwns' in place of 'luvs'. He glanced over his shoulder. "There you are, baby! I was starting to worry you'd finally taken a good look at my face, and decided to run for the hills." He kissed her. "What's wrong? Did you forget something? Your shrunken head collection, maybe?"

"No, I'm dumping you."

"But why?" His eyes narrowed. "Did you meet a certain one-handed pirate recently?"

"No, it's quite simple. My power means more to me than you."

The Dark One pouted. "Reverse karma sucks." He made a feeble attempt at giggling evilly. "Well, you're not going to get away with this! I'm taking you to court! I demand the car, half the enchanted gold, and custody of your baby!"

"No dice, Rumple. That deal was for your own child, and any baby I have won't be yours. I'm on Ye Olde Pill," she informed him smugly, while Evil Regals and Dearies all over the world hugged each other in celebration.

David found his wife bawling on the steps of Regina's mausoleum, licking the frosting off a Zoloft cupcake in an attempt to dull her pain. "You found me," she sobbed.

"Did you ever doubt I would?"

"No, but I was kind of hoping I'd be wrong this once," she replied, unable to meet his eyes. "David, I've done something horrible! I tried to kill someone in self-preservation, and that's just not me!"

"You don't think so?" David raised an eyebrow. "But what about that time you flung me into a raging river full of jagged rocks?"

"Yeah, but that was killing to keep from being temporarily inconvenienced; not to save my life. It was a completely different situation."

Emma and Neal stood shoulder to shoulder in Cora's path, weapons raised. "Swanfire SMASH!" they roared.

"Not today, kids," said Cora, teleporting them over to Makeout Point. "There, that should keep them occupied for a good long while."

In a blatant attempt to win more fangirls, Gold lay sprawled on his bed, shirt agape, eyes lidded, panting heavily. Finally, he looked up at Cora. "I saw this meeting in a vision once."

Cora looked bored. "That cheesy old line didn't work on me when we were dating, and it's not going to work now."

"Fair enough," the pawnbroker coughed, checking his watch. "So, we've got about three minutes of airtime left. Plenty of time for you to tell me whether you ever really loved me or not."

"Of course I loved you. Have you even seen yourself in those leather pants?" She fanned herself weakly. "Now that you've got some decent teeth, I'd probably never be able to pry myself off you again, if I still had emotions." She started caressing him intimately. "Hey, this is where you're supposed to tell me you have a girlfriend."

"I'm a little out of breath, and don't really feel like talking right now, so she's just going to have to suck it up," said Gold, staring unsubtly down his ex's blouse.

"Stop flirting with me, it demeans us both." She raised the dagger to kill him, but was interrupted by Regina barging in, as usual.

"Catch!" the younger Evil Queen shouted, shoving the heart into her mother's chest.

Cora staggered back, gasping. "Gah! Compassion! It burns!"

Cora stood proudly before a crowd; her newborn daughter in one hand, and her husband's leash in the other. "Say hello to your future overlord, peasants!"

"She's pink!" Winging a quick prayer of thanks heavenward, Xavier addressed his daughter-in-law. "So, what's the kid's name? Xavierina?"

"No, I'm not quite that heartless." She held the infant high, while in the background, the court bard broke into "Circle of Life." "Her name is Regina, for she shall one day be queen."

"Is that a threat?" asked the five people ahead of her in the line of succession.

"No, it's a promise. Bwa hah hah!"

Cora began giggling vapidly. "I wuv you, pumpkin!" She pinched her daughter's cheek. "Wanna go bake some cookies?"

Regina smiled tentatively. "I've got to say, Mom, I much prefer this brand of crazy to your usual homicidal rampages."

The elder evil queen looked down and found a red stain spreading across her chest. "Uh-oh, I think I'm dying of irony." She collapsed into her daughter's arms.

"Dude, what the hell?" Regina shook her gently. "Mommy?"

Gold rose, completely healed, except for the leg, for some reason. "Um…you do remember how she abused you, ruined your life, and murdered your fiancé in cold blood, right?"

"…No."

The pawnbroker sighed wistfully. "Why can't my kid be more like you?"

"Shut up!" she thundered, making a pitiful attempt to glare through her tears. "I'll get you for this, 'Stiltskin! Nobody kills my mother but me! And maybe Hook, if he feels like it!"

"I understand your confusion, dearie, but this, unlike everything else that has ever happened or ever will, is not my fault."

Mary Margaret ran into the room, her quasi-prince in tow. "Stop! Stop! Don't kill her! She's the best villain we've ever had!"

Regina stared from her mother's still-warm corpse to her stepdaughter's tearstained face, in utter shock. "Snow, you...lied?" The queen fainted dead away.