Happy New Year to all of you. 2 more chapters today to start the year with!
Dempsey stood in the kitchen fighting to control his feelings. It hadn't been his intention to bring up the subject of taking M.J. with them to Winfield Hall. It had just crossed his mind and before he realised it he had it brought it up to Harry and wasn't there a point of return anymore. He regretted it now. If he had wait a little longer, if she got used to the idea of having M.J. in their lives and he had been able to meet his own daughter in the meantime, it would have been different. Now he had probably ruined it completely and again it would be M.J. who had to pay the price for it.
He was surprised when he heard the kitchen door opening and he saw Harry standing in the doorway.
"I just wanted to check something" she said.
"About what?" Dempsey asked meanwhile putting some bread in the toaster.
"About Michael"
"What about him?"
"James? I've got to know. Would you have told me about him if Little James hadn't been death?"
"What sort of a ridiculous question is that?"
"Be honest with me: that it never crossed your mind, not even a little bit, that now Little James is dead it would be nice to have a substitute for him?'' she asked against Dempsey's back.
Dempsey clinched his fists together. Had she such a low opinion about him?
"I don't believe it. I thought you really know me better" Dempsey opened a cupboard in front of him and slammed it almost immediately.
"Can't believe that you even consider this! I would never do that!"
Bang another cupboard had undergo the same fate. Harry knew that she had to be careful now. Otherwise he would explode.
"I'm sorry, I really am, but I don't know what to think anymore. It seemed to me that it never ends! If we have to deal with something we didn't ask for over and over again. Can you imagine that?" Harry said softly.
"Yes I can"
"Can you please forgive me?"
Finally Dempsey turned around to look at her but his face was still a mask filled with pain.
"No problem" he answered her turning his back to her almost at the same time again.
Harry felt if she had tumbled down. That he almost rejected her at the same time as he had accepted her apologises hurt her deeply. She wanted to say something more, but it would be wise not to make things even worse. In spite of that she turned around and left the kitchen. Dempsey saw her leaving. He wanted to yell after her that he really understood her, but he couldn't. In spite of that he took a cup and threw it in pure frustration through the kitchen. It hit the wall and fell down in pieces. It was the only way for him to distract himself and to try to get his emotions under control.
When Harry heard a thing, she had no idea what it could be, smashing against the wall she felt guilty. She had to do something to make it up with him. To show him that she regretted what she had said to him.
"James?"
No reaction.
"James? Can you please come over here? I wanted to show you something"
Harry heard the kitchen door slammed and a voice saying: "What now?"
She tried to ignore the irritated undertone in his voice.
"Can you come here to sit down with me. I have something for you" she pattered on the sofa next to her.
But Dempsey didn't move. He was standing in the doorway of the living room and obvious still mad at her, she could feel it. Okay, then she had to play it another way.
"I asked you yesterday to get me the two diaries from the book case at home. One of them is filled with the first photos of our children. In the second I wrote everything down what happened to me during the pregnancy and what happened after I gave birth till the moment that Little James died and I got permission to take Sophia home. You don't have to look at the photos or read the story if you don't want to, but I thought that you would like to know that I'll leave the two books here with you when I return to the rehabilitation centre later today"
Harry didn't look at him when she put the two books down on the coffee table and passed by him seconds later. She could feel his breath on her face and her first impulse was to reached her arms up to his neck. To make it up with him by kissing him. But she didn't. She just passed him without saying a word and disappeared into the bedroom. Closing the door behind her. Inside the safety of the bedroom, she leaned against the door while the tears streamed silently over her face.
Then she heard footsteps in the hallway and feared that Dempsey had plans to come in to say even more things to her he deep in his heart didn't want to say, but the footsteps stopped abruptly in front of the bedroom door.
She could hear him breathing at the other side of the door. But he didn't' come in. Too afraid or even too embarrassed about the whole situation. And then she heard him whisper something.
"I wanted to let you know that it has been my own fault that I shot M.J. I didn't identify myself as being a cop. If I had done that, nothing would have happened. I made a mistake. Like you, my mind wasn't on my job, my mind was on you. I know for sure now that work and emotions don't go together, but I can't put that bullet back in my gun anymore Harry. I'm sorry"
Then the footsteps disappeared again and she heard the door of the living room slam. Wiping away her tears she stumbled to the living room after him. Leaning heavily on her stick now. All that walking up and down had taken a lot of her energy and her foot was burning like hell. How much she would love to lay down for awhile, she couldn't do that. First she had to do something else. When she opened the door of the living room, she saw James sitting on the sofa with his head resting in his hands.
"I think I made a mistake too" Harry said, hoping that he knew where she was referring at: "We really have to talk this out"
"We do?" was all she heard him saying.
"James it can't go on like this between the two of us! During this whole weekend we have had one argument after another over almost everything that you can imagine. It makes me sick"
"Oh and what do you suggest? That we split up? Is that what you want?" he said with more confidence as he felt deep down inside, thinking back on that information meeting they had had and the warning from Jane that couples sometimes fell apart when one of them had to live with having a CVA.
"Of course not! How can you say that?" Harry sat down on the sofa next to him, but at the same moment as she did that, he stood up and walked over to the window. He looked straight ahead but saw nothing because he was with his thoughts far away.
"Did you get professional help when you shot Michael?" Harry was afraid to ask, but had to know: "James? Didn't Spikings advise you to consult a psychologist?"
"He did" Dempsey admitted after realising that Harry had no intention to drop the subject.
"And?"
"And what?"
"Have you seen one?"
"Come on Harry. I'm man enough to handle my own problems"
"I don't think so. At least not this time" Harry added quickly before he could say more: "I can see how it's eaten you"
"Don't be ridiculous"
"Ridiculous? Who's the one here who's acting here like a complete idiot?"
"What's that suppose to mean?" Dempsey had turned around to look at Harry if she had lost her mind.
"Is it so difficult for you for once to admit you're not able to handle something on your own?"
"Look who says that! I can remember that, when you saw your schedule for the upcoming week and they put "psychologist" on it, your first reaction was: no way. I'm not going"
"That's true. But they advised me to go. So I did"
"You did?" Dempsey asked in total surprise now: "You never told me that you went to her/him after all"
"Because I knew your opinion about them in the first place. That's why I thought, it would be wiser not to bring it up to you anymore. It was a she by the way"
"And? Did she help you?"
"Yes she did. She helps me a lot"
"Did you tell her....did you talk about...well you know" Dempsey asked, obviously afraid for the answer he may get.
"If you mean I talked about Sophia and Little James? Yeah, yes as a matter of fact I did"
"What?" Dempsey almost exploded now: "You talked with a total stranger about our children before you had even talked to me first? I don't believe this!"
"I had to. It wasn't easy, believe me. But I had no idea how to bring it up to you. I was afraid that you wouldn't understand"
"Yeah, yeah" Dempsey really couldn't believe she had done that.
"James? Would it be such a bad idea for you to talk to her as well?"
"You forget something"
"What?"
"That I'm not a patient of your centre"
"But this has something to do with both of us! Please, will you consider it?"
"I'll think about it"
"Okay. Can we now then finally have that breakfast or even better, make it a lunch that you promised me earlier?" Harry asked with a weak smile on her face when she stood up and reached her hand out to his.