AN: Here's Friday's update..sorry it came so late. I usually try to have them posted first thing in the morning..but it didn't work out that way this time. My apologies. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Monday's update will be jumping us forward a few weeks during Bella's POV of that chapter. I can only come up with so many experiences for this group, and if I keep going at a snail's pace..I'll run out of things for them to do...which would be incredibly boring for all of you! Anyhow, until Monday..ENJOY!
Disclaimer: SM owns it all!
Internet Rendezvous and Driver's Permits
EPOV
I got home shortly before 11pm, and headed straight up to my room. I changed my clothes, made sure my cell was on its charger on the nightstand beside my bed, and slid under the covers. I swear it had only been minutes since I had drifted off to sleep, when my cell phone went off. I looked at the screen, and didn't recognize the number, so I figured it had to be Bella. I opened the phone and answered.
"Bella, I'm up..give me a minute and I'll be online, okay? Just hit a button once for yes and twice for no," I said calmly as I got up to turn my laptop on. She hit a button once.
"Did you have a nightmare?" I asked concernedly. She hit a button once.
"Are you okay?" I asked as I plugged the laptop into the outlet behind my nightstand, so I could stay in bed and talk to her instead of sitting in the desk chair. She didn't hit a button at all.
"Are you not sure?" I asked encouragingly. She hit a button once.
"Did you add my name to your messenger?" I asked as the screen to my laptop lit up. She hit a button once. This was actually seeming easier than I had thought it would be when I planned it.
"My computer should be up in just a minute, okay?" I said comfortingly. She hit a button once again, and I thought I heard her let out a deep breath.
"Alright, my messenger is up, send me a message so I know you can see me on there," I urged gently. Only a moment later, a message box popped up on my screen.
Honor_Thy_Silence: Hi...
I frowned at her screen name. This was definitely something I wanted to help her change, now that I knew that she controlled that silence. Well I guess at one point she controlled it, however, now it controls her.
"Bella, I'm gonna hang up now so we can talk on messenger, okay? I'll be with you here as long as you need me to be," I said trying to comfort her. She hit a button just once and then the line silenced.
Maestro_E_Masen: Hey, is this alright? It was the best idea I could come up with at the time.
Honor_Thy_Silence: It's great, really. I never would have even thought of it. Thank you for thinking of me. I'm sorry I woke you.
Maestro_E_Masen: I care about you Bella. You don't have to thank me for doing something that comes naturally when you care for someone. And, you didn't wake me.
Honor_Thy_Silence: Yes I did, Edward. Mind that honesty pact! lol ...hmm that doesn't really work for me does it? lis?
Maestro_E_Masen: Alright, alright. I was sleeping, but I'm glad you woke me. Thank you for at least trying this...it eases my worry just slightly. What is lis?
Honor_Thy_Silence: Lis is 'laughing in silence'... my new version of lol. Please don't worry, Edward. I've been dealing with this for a long time...
Maestro_E_Masen: I'm sorry, I can't help it...I do it constantly. It's second nature to me by now. LIS fits you perfectly too :-) Do you want to talk about your dream?
Honor_Thy_Silence: Not yet... I'm still trying to get it to stop replaying in my head... It's just so weird..I don't remember dreaming at all last night, and now, tonight I have one of the most vivid ones I've had in years...I just don't get it.
I frowned as I read her response. I felt horrible that her dreams came back so vividly tonight. I felt even worse with Alice's words running through my mind that she thinks Bella slept peacefully because of my presence. If that was the case, there was nothing I could do about that at the moment. Even outside of this moment, it was near impossible to remedy that problem on a constant basis.
Maestro_E_Masen: I'm sorry, Bella. I wish there was something more I could do for you. I wish there was a way that I could stop those nightmares from occurring.
Honor_Thy_Silence: It's okay, Edward. It's not your fault, and I think it's just going to take time for them to go away... So what are you doing right now?
Maestro_E_Masen: lol I'm talking to you, why? What are you doing right now?
Honor_Thy_Silence: lis.. I'm talking to you and listening to my iPod....I'm multitasking!
Maestro_E_Masen: lol, what are you listening to?
Honor_Thy_Silence: The Fray 'Syndicate'...it's a good song.
Maestro_E_Masen: I've never heard it before. I might have to check it out some day. Hey I have a question for you. Do you still sometimes apply songs to how you feel? I heard you playing Jimmy Eat World this morning and it made me think of when you were younger. You used to listen to certain kinds of songs, depending on how you felt or what you were thinking...Do you still do that?
I had to ask her. If she said yes, I was going to look that song up that she was listening to immediately. It would be the easiest way to tell what she was thinking at the moment.
Honor_Thy_Silence: Umm...sometimes. Why?
Maestro_E_Masen: I was just curious. Was that why you were listening to 'The Middle' this morning?
Honor_Thy_Silence: Yeah...I have a tendency to listen to that song when I'm having a good day...among others.
Maestro_E_Masen: What other songs do you listen to on good days? By the way..that's a great song by Jimmy Eat World.
Honor_Thy_Silence: Hmm.. on good days I tend to listen to that song, 'One Step at a Time' by Jordan Sparks, 'Poem' by Taproot, 'The Remedy' by Jason Mraz, 'Upside Down' by Jack Johnson, 'Handlebars' by Flobots, 'It's Not Over' by Secondhand Serenade...those are just a few.
Maestro_E_Masen: What about bad days? Do you have any specific ones that you listen to for those?
Honor_Thy_Silence: Hmm.. not really. I tend to listen to a lot of Our Lady Peace, Paramore, Trapt, Staind, Counting Crows, Guns n Roses...it all depends on what kind of bad day it is really. Do you have anything specific that you listen to depending on your mood?
Maestro_E_Masen: Hm..not really. Usually if I need to sort something out that I'm feeling or thinking I sit in front of the piano. Are you starting to feel a little better?
Honor_Thy_Silence: A little, thanks. Did you want to go to sleep? I don't want to keep you if you're tired.
Maestro_E_Masen: I'm fine, Bella. Don't worry about me, just let me know when you're ready to go back to sleep okay?
Honor_Thy_Silence: Okay..if you insist. I feel bad keeping you up though. It usually takes me a long time to fall back asleep...
Maestro_E_Masen: It's alright, Bella. It's Saturday, I can sleep all day if I need to. What are you listening to now? My iPod could use some new music on it...any suggestions?
Honor_Thy_Silence: Hm. Right now I'm listening to 'Black Horse and the Cherry Tree' by KT Tunstall. I don't really know what kind of music you like to give you any suggestions...
Maestro_E_Masen: lol I like a lot of stuff. My taste is pretty eclectic..like yours apparently from your lists lol.
Honor_Thy_Silence: Let's see.. try looking up some songs by Secondhand Serenade, it's a guy and a piano..I think you'll enjoy that. My favorite bands right now are Our Lady Peace, Sick Puppies, Evanescence, Linkin Park, Incubus, Copperview, The Fray... Try looking some songs up by them..maybe you'll like them. Oh and ha.. ha.. ha, Edward. Make fun of my music all you want to...it wasn't me who was the fan of New Kids on the Block in the second grade...remember that, Buster! What was that line you used to sing all the time? "Ohh Oh Oohhhh, Oh O-reo. What's in the middle? The white stuff...?
Maestro_E_Masen: I'll have to look those up sometime soon... LMAO, Bella...that's Weird Al Yankovic... not New Kids!
Honor_Thy_Silence: Sure, sure. I like his version better anyway...
Maestro_E_Masen: I'm sure you do... How are you feeling?
Honor_Thy_Silence: About the same...could I call you? Maybe hearing your voice would help...
Maestro_E_Masen: Sure, Bella. How about if I talk to you and you type your answers so I can read them?
Honor_Thy_Silence: That sounds great...
Only moments later my phone rang. I opened it immediately and answered.
"Hey, Bella. Is this any better?" I asked trying to keep the worry out of my tone. We had already been talking online for almost two hours and she wasn't any closer to sleeping than she had been almost right after we started.
Honor_Thy_Silence: It might be...I'm not sure yet. It was just weird talking to you on here, cause I know you're there, but it's not the same as seeing or hearing you..if that makes any sense...
"It makes perfect sense, Bella. Is there anything I can do to help you fall back asleep?" I asked encouragingly.
Honor_Thy_Silence: I don't know...I've never really been able to find anything that worked. Alice used to stay up with me, but even that didn't help. I think it just needs to fade away on its own...
"Did you want to try talking about the dream? Maybe that would help it go away," I said carefully. I didn't want to push her, but I thought maybe talking about it would help.
Honor_Thy_Silence: ...it was about what happened in Phoenix. I haven't had a dream like that in a long while. Normally it's just bits and pieces, but this felt like I was there again. Like I was experiencing it again...
"I'm sorry, Bella. I really wish there was something more I could do for you," I said sympathetically.
I had no clue what happened in Phoenix, but I knew it had to be horrible with her parents dying and now knowing that she had scars. I really wanted to ask her what happened, but I thought it best to let her decide if and when she would ever tell me.
Honor_Thy_Silence: Edward, I'm grateful for what you're doing right now. You didn't have to do this much. Thank you.
"Bella, I'd do anything for you. If you think of anything that would help soothe you at all, just let me know, okay?" I said sincerely.
I felt so helpless at the moment. I really thought this would help, but it didn't seem to be working all that well. I couldn't do anything but lay here and rack my brain for ideas on how to make it work better. It was quiet for a few minutes, and I was wondering what she was doing on the other end of the phone. Every once in a while she would let out a frustrated breath of air, and I couldn't help wonder what she was frustrated about aside from not being able to fall back asleep.
"Bella, what's wrong?" I asked worriedly.
Honor_Thy_Silence: Edward...do... do you think you can hum me your melody? I think it might help.
"Sure. Why don't you lay down and try to relax and I'll hum it to you, okay?" I said with relief. I could do this easily. I had done it for so long the night before, and I was hoping it would work.
Honor_Thy_Silence: Thank you, Edward.
"Bella, this is the least I can do for you. Now relax and try to fall back asleep," I said before I started to hum her melody.
I pushed my laptop across the bed and lay on my back, staring at the ceiling as I hummed her melody over and over. It took a while, but eventually her breathing started to even out. It wasn't long after that, that her breathing took on a perfect rhythmic pattern. I decided to test it out, and hopefully I wouldn't wake her.
"Bella?" I asked quietly. Nothing, no response at all.
"Bella, are you asleep?" I asked again. Once again, nothing. Her breathing remained the same.
"Sweet dreams, love," I said quietly before I closed my phone.
She was finally asleep and it gave me an idea of how to help her better. I rolled over and pulled my laptop closer to me, and left her a message before shutting my laptop down.
Maestro_E_Masen: If you wake up again, call me. I think I have an idea of how to help you better. Sweet dreams, Bella.
I unplugged the computer, but left it on the other side of the bed just in case I needed it again. I was really hoping that she would sleep through the rest of the night. I couldn't imagine how long she's suffered on such a minimal amount of sleep if her dreams kept her up that long every night. I lay awake for a while longer, planning out what I needed to do when I woke up in the morning. If her melody worked that quickly, then I wanted her to have it so that she could listen to it whenever she needed it. It would take me a few hours to get it together today, but hopefully I could get it to her before she went to sleep. With my plans set, I finally fell asleep.
BPOV
When I first woke up in a fright, and found the note, it took me a good half hour to finally give in and call him. I had pulled up his number over and over, holding my finger over the call button for a few moments, and then snapping the phone shut again. I hated to bother him so late at night. I hated that he would be losing sleep over me. I hated that I couldn't just be normal and sleep normally. Worst of all, I hated dragging him into it.
He had been so thoughtful and kind the night before, and I can only imagine how much sleep he lost that night. I woke up feeling more energetic than I had in years, and he slept another almost three hours after that, and woke up looking like he had just gone to sleep. I hated doing that to him again.
When I first woke up, and realized that I was snuggled up against someone, I was almost startled. If I hadn't recognized the scent of his shirt, I probably would panicked up a storm. I didn't know how I had gotten home, how I had gotten changed, or why he was in my house. When I first started to shift to get up, his arm tightened its grip on me instinctually. I thought that he might have been awake, but when I looked up, he was fast asleep. I laid my head down for a few more minutes, and his arm relaxed. I peeled it off of me carefully, trying not to wake him. I knew he needed his sleep. When I was finally free, I went to find Esme. She told me everything that had happened. How I had fallen asleep in Edward's arms the night before, and how he was worried about me waking up alone. She told me she offered for him to sleep over, having one of our living-room camp-outs so that he wouldn't have to worry about me the rest of the night. I was truly grateful to all of them.
When I awoke this morning, I was amazed that after having fallen asleep to Edward humming his melody, my dreams were nothing but pleasant memories. It was such a striking contrast to the dream I had earlier in the evening. I realized this morning, just how much I had to be thankful for at the moment. It reminded me of the project I had been working on for Esme and Carlisle. I didn't have much further to go, and I decided that I would finish it before getting out of bed this morning. I had been working on it a little bit every day, with the exception of my birthday and the day after. I really wanted to be able to share it with them today.
I pulled my laptop to me from where I had left it on the bed last night, well I guess early this morning is more accurate, and touched the mouse pad to pull it out of sleep mode. I smiled when I saw Edward's last message, and tried not to focus on the time that it was sent. He had hummed that melody for an hour before he sent that message. I wasn't even sure how long it took me to fall asleep, but I was almost positive it was a lot faster than an hour, and that made me feel horrible. I left him an offline message, thanking him for what he did, and assuring him that I slept well the rest of the night, before closing out my messenger program.
I opened the document I had been working on, and when I figured out where I was in the time-line of it all, I continued. It only took me about another hour to completely finish it. I picked up my laptop and brought it over to my desk and connected the printer cable to it. I printed up three copies of it. One for Esme, one for Carlisle, and one for Edward. I just wasn't sure when I would give it to him. I wasn't sure just how much of my story he could handle. I wasn't even sure if he even wanted to know about it. I figured I would just hold onto it until I was sure.
I shut down, and closed my laptop, and gathered some clothes so I could take a shower. I showered and dressed quickly, brushed my teeth and hair, and headed back into my room to grab the papers I had printed up. It was only a little after 9am and I figured Esme would probably be in the kitchen. I wasn't sure or not if Carlisle was working today. If so, I would just have to settle on giving this to him later.
I nervously gripped the papers in my hand and headed down the stairs. As expected, Esme was in the kitchen. Carlisle was sitting at the island counter, reading today's paper, as Esme stood on the other side, leaning on the counter and working on another crossword. I could never figure out why she loved those things so much. I tried a few on occasion and could never get more than one or two words in the stupid thing.
I approached them cautiously, and when they heard my footsteps, they both looked up in my direction. I smiled warily at them, and gripped the papers tighter.
You can do this. They deserve to know why it's been so hard for the three of us all these years. You can do this...
Bella, just breathe deep and relax. They won't look at you any differently, I promise. They already know part of your past. You're just filling in the blanks for them. It will be okay. Deep breaths.
Okay...we can do this.
I took in a deep breath and walked closer to where they were standing. I froze for a second as I went to raise my hand with the papers in it. I closed my eyes and repeated my chant in my head, letting out my breath. I opened my eyes again, and came face to face with two very worried and very near panicked faces.
'Mom, Dad. I have something I want to share with you both.' I signed to both of them. At the same time, they both responded.
'What is it, Bella? Are you alright?'
I smiled slightly and took another deep breath before I continued.
'I'm fine. I wanted to share my past with you both. I don't want there to be any more secrets. I want you to be able to understand why things have been so hard between us until recently. Why I was so distant. Why I am the way I am. I didn't think I could go through telling it all over again, so I wrote it a little bit at a time. It helped with keeping it from becoming overwhelming for me again.' I signed quickly, afraid I would lose the nerve if I went any slower.
"Bella, dear. Are you sure? I know how hard this must be for you. If you're not ready, it's okay," Esme said comfortingly.
'I'm ready, Mom. I've been ready for a little while now, I just couldn't do it all at once so it took me a while to finish it.' I signed to her, feeling about as confident as I ever would when it came to dealing with something that was associated with my past.
They looked at me with nothing but love and patience as I stood there trying to work up the nerve to just pass them the papers that were now sitting on the counter where I had placed them so I could sign to them. Neither of them made a move for them, which I was grateful for. They were allowing me to choose when my story would be known to them, and it gave me the assurance that I needed that they wouldn't look at me differently afterwards.
'Mom, you might want to sit down before you read through this.' I signed warily to her. I was really worried how it would affect her. More so than Carlisle. He was a physician, he has seen and dealt with injuries worse than my own, with patients in worse condition than I could possibly imagine.
She walked around the counter and took a seat next to Carlisle. He wrapped his arm around her in a comforting gesture, then again, it could have been a protective measure. The look in his eyes hinted that he might already know just how difficult this was going to be for her to read, that he had a general idea of just how much trauma I had experienced. I passed them the papers face down, and they looked at me for a moment before I nodded and watched as they looked at each other before turning the papers over. Carlisle squeezed her shoulder gently as he watched her turn hers over before he tended to his own.
I couldn't do anything but stand there and watch them silently. Watch as their features contorted into expressions of pain, desperation, horror, despair. Esme began to tear almost immediately, and it only got worse the longer she continued to read. At one point she had to put the paper down and hold onto Carlisle for support before she could continue reading. I felt horrible putting them through this, but I needed it, and they did too. I had heard Esme and Carlisle speak in hushed tones so many times about how if they had just known the details of what happened, maybe they could be of better help. That if they could just understand the degree of trauma that I had experienced, that it would help them to better connect to me.
At the end of my story, I described to them everything that I felt about it. I described how I felt that it was my fault that we were found because of my calling out for my father and alerting those people to our presence in the house. I even told them how after my Grammy Marie had passed, I thought that it was my voice that had killed her. That somehow it had caused not only the death of my parents, and nearly my own death, but hers as well. I wanted them to understand how my silence, over time, manifested the panic that rose in me whenever I tried to use my voice. That it was never flashbacks of the trauma or memories from it that caused those states. They had always been caused by trying to use my voice.
I also described to them how I had shut myself down after everything happened. How the only emotion I ever allowed myself to feel was guilt. That I shrouded myself in it. I hid behind it. I used it as a shield, and that's what kept me from connecting with them for so long. That it kept me from connecting to anyone for so long.
Finally, I told them how I didn't want to hurt either of them, or unnecessarily expose them to the pain of my past, but I needed them to understand that this was my way of letting them in. That my vulnerability to their knowledge left me completely open to them. That by me entrusting this part of myself with them, any gap that possibly remained would be officially bridged. After this, there was nothing separating me from them, nothing closing me off, nothing keeping me distant. This was part of not only my closure, but theirs as well.
Carlisle finished reading, and after wiping his eyes, and making sure that Esme was steady on her stool, he approached me on the other side of the island. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and spoke as he held me.
"Bella, thank you. Thank you for opening up to us. For allowing us in your heart. If it's alright with you, we're going to need to talk about some of this when your mother is ready," he spoke with a comforting tone as he held me. I nodded, as I had expected as much. I knew some of my fears were irrational, and now that he knew them, we would undoubtedly have to discuss them.
Carlisle released me, but took my hand and led me around the counter with him. He wrapped his arms around Esme, attempting to console her as best he could. I knew this would be a horrific experience for her. I approached her slowly, and just as I came within an arms reach of her, she pulled me to her as she wept inconsolably. I wrapped my arms around her and swayed us from side to side as I shushed her, trying to calm her. Carlisle spoke to her constantly in a comforting and soothing tone as he rubbed her shoulders. He repeatedly told her that everything would be alright, that they would ensure nothing like this happened again to me, that now that they knew we could all move forward and heal together. His words comforted me as well, and I was grateful to him for speaking them. Esme and I both needed to hear them. We both needed to be assured that it was the past and this was a step towards our future as a family.
Esme eventually calmed down and took in a few shuddering breaths trying to compose herself. Once she felt steady enough, we all moved into the living room to be more comfortable. Esme and I sat on the couch, holding onto each other for comfort. Carlisle sat on the coffee table in front of us.
"Dear Lord, Bella. Honey, I never thought it would have been that horrible to hear. How did poor Alice manage it?" Esme asked, still horrified from what she had read.
'I don't know. I think she was able to detach herself from it the way I did when I told her.' I signed to her honestly. I really didn't know how Alice managed to make it through the details of my past.
"Bella, some things that you wrote in there worry me greatly. You do realize that there is no possible way that your voice hurt your grandmother in any way, right?" Carlisle asked softly, the worry clearly evident in his eyes.
'I do now, but I'm afraid that the damage has already been done by that irrational fear. That fear is what transformed into the panic that I now experience when I try to use my voice.' I signed to him.
"That's at least a starting point. I was terrified that we would have to convince you of that fact," he said with relief.
"Bella, why do you feel that what happened in Phoenix is your fault? Why are you so overcome with guilt over what happened?" he inquired with a worried expression.
'Because it was my inability to remain silent that allowed those men to find us. If I hadn't made any noise, we wouldn't have been found.' I replied honestly, the guilt swelling within me as I answered.
"Honey, I'm not sure that they wouldn't have found you even if you hadn't made any noise. I'm not even sure that it would have been possible for them to hear you as they were ransacking the house. Even if they had, you cannot blame yourself for that. You were terrified, honey. It's a natural reaction when you're terrified. You are not to blame for that," he said sternly but with a comforting tone. I knew he wasn't reprimanding me. He was trying to make me understand something that was impossible for me to accept. Had I not made a noise, there was no way they would have even known that the room we were in even existed. I never knew it existed prior to that day, and I lived there.
"Sweetheart, I'm a grown woman, and I can honestly say that had I been in that situation, there's no way I would have been able to stay silent while being so terrified. That really was in no way your fault. You shouldn't feel guilty about something that someone else did to you and your family. We're going to have to try to change that. That guilt will inhibit you from healing," Esme said sympathetically.
I thought about what they said for a few minutes. Deep down I knew they were right. There was no way for me to heal and let the past go if I continued to feel responsible for what happened. I just didn't know how to let it go when every time I thought about how everything happened, I only saw myself to blame. If I had just stayed silent, things would be much different right now, and I didn't know how to let go of the regret and guilt I felt over that.
"Bella, I'd like to suggest therapy to help you get past the guilt and regret you feel over this," Carlisle said encouragingly. I immediately shook my head vigorously and started signing.
'No. Please, Dad. It's hard enough for me to open up to both of you. I could never bring myself to do this with a complete stranger. I don't know how, but I will find a way to get past it.' I signed to him in desperation.
"Bella, I won't force you into therapy, because frankly it didn't do much good the last time. If you aren't able to communicate with them, it will be pointless. We learned that the first time we tried therapy. I will, however, ask you to keep it in mind for the future. I want you to know that if you ever feel that you wish to try it, we will gladly provide it for you. I'm just worried that this is too much for you to take on by yourself. It's been so long since it happened, and I fear that the prolonged exposure to it has only made everything worse," he said in a soothing tone as he held my hands in a comforting gesture. I nodded to him, assuring him that I would keep it in mind for the future.
"The last thing I wanted to discuss with you is about your attempts at using your voice. Have you and Alice worked on that any more recently?" he asked curiously. I shook my head and signed to him.
'No. We haven't tried recently. With school, and everything else that had been going on, Alice has been afraid to try, as have I. We aren't sure how the additional stress that I've been under lately would affect me.' I signed truthfully.
"I'm not sure that additional stress would have any effect. If the panic stems only from attempting to use your voice, it seems that any excess stress would be independent of that, and very possibly not have any affect at all on the panic. I can't be sure of that though, as there really is no way to test that theory. Is there anything your mother or I can do to help you in your efforts?" he asked sincerely.
'I don't know. Alice and I didn't have much success, if any at all really. Alice feels that it will just take repeated attempts at doing so before I can overcome the panic. I'm not sure though. With as many attempts as I've made over the years, and especially in the last month, it's never gotten any better. It makes me feel as though we're missing some vital part of understanding it. Like there's something missing from me to overcome it.' I signed back feeling almost completely defeated by all of our failed attempts.
"Have there been any differences at all between when you would try on your own, and when you tried with Alice?" he asked with a contemplative tone. I almost chuckled as I looked at him. You could almost see the wheels turning behind his eyes as he tried to piece it together.
'The only difference was being able to get a squeak or slight sound out before freezing. When I would try on my own, I would freeze up before I could even attempt it. Just the thought of doing so caused the panic to overcome me.' I replied honestly. He sat quietly for a few minutes as he mulled that information over in his head. He finally shook his head, and I couldn't help but feel saddened by the look of defeat on his face. He hadn't come up with an answer either.
"I can't think of anything significant that would cause that effect, aside from not being alone," he said with a disheartened tone. Esme rubbed my arm in a comforting gesture as she tried to conceal the loss of hope that was apparent in her features.
"We'll figure this out, Bella. We just have to give it time, and hopefully we'll come to the answer," she said as she tried to coax as much confidence into her voice as she could muster. I smiled sadly at her and then rested my head against her shoulder. I didn't want to focus on what I didn't have at the moment. I didn't want to focus on what I had lost, I just wanted to focus on what I did have. I had two loving parents, who even after learning of my past, were trying to help me in any way that they could. They weren't looking at me differently, they weren't judging me. They were encouraging me, and in doing so, they were showing me that they loved me, regardless of how broken I may be.
'Thank you. For everything. For accepting me the way I am. For trying to help me even through the times when I didn't want the help. But, most of all, thank you for loving me.' I signed sincerely to them.
"Oh, Bella. Honey, we will always love you. No matter what. Trying to help is just something you do naturally when you love someone, sweetheart," she said lovingly as she wrapped her arms around me. It immediately reminded me of Edward saying the exact same thing last night...well almost the exact same thing.
"Bella, we will always be here for you, for whatever you may need. You can always come and talk to us if you need to. Nothing will ever make us think of you any differently. We love you unconditionally, and nothing you could ever say or do can change that," Carlisle said, the emotion in his husky tone was almost overwhelming. I mouthed a 'thank you' to him as I continued to hug Esme.
Esme pulled back after a few moments, and smiled at me. Together we sat quietly, just the three of us, smiling like idiots at each other for a few minutes before Esme gasped and spoke again.
"Bella, there was something we wanted to discuss with you before any of this happened today," she started with an excited tone. I smiled at her and waited for her to continue, but Carlisle took the lead instead.
"We wanted to ask you how comfortable you were with the idea of driving your father's truck. We worry about how the memories it provides you with will affect your emotions while you're driving it," he said hesitantly.
'Honestly, at the moment, I'm not comfortable with it at all. Just being inside of it the other day is what sent me so far over the edge with my emotions. It terrifies me to think that something like that could happen while driving it.' I responded truthfully with a remorseful expression.
"Would you be interested in a car of your own until you feel comfortable with your father's truck?" Esme asked with an encouraging smile.
'I don't expect either of you to buy me a vehicle. I'm perfectly fine with driving to school with Alice, and I really don't go anywhere else besides that without her or one of you.' I responded with a slight grimace. Just the thought of them purchasing something that expensive made me uneasy.
"We know you don't expect it, dear. But it would make us happy to be able to do so. You deserve to have the freedom that comes with it. You won't have to feel as though you have to rely on anyone to go places you want or need to go. Are you sure there's nothing we can say to change your mind?" she pleaded.
I thought about it for a few minutes. Honestly, the thought of being able to go anywhere I wanted when I wanted was quite appealing. So was the thought of not having to be constantly subjected to Alice's death trap with her speed demon driving. And I hated always having to bug Esme any time I wanted to go to the library. With all of these thoughts in mind, I finally relented.
'Okay. I agree that it would be nice to have a car of my own, but only on one condition. Please don't spend too much on it. I don't need a BMW or a Mercedes or a Porsche or anything like that. Please promise me you two won't go overboard.' I signed desperately. Esme's smile widened and a sparkle began to shine in her eye. Carlisle just looked relieved.
"Oh, Bella! Don't worry! We didn't spend too much, I promise!" she squealed in delight.
"Esme!" Carlisle chided before a smile broke out across his face.
"Oops.."she said as she covered her mouth and looked at me with a mixture of shock and regret.
'What do you mean didn't?' I signed warily.
"Oh, bugger. It was supposed to be a surprise for after you got your permit...which I was going to take you today to obtain," she said with an apologetic smile.
'Today?' I asked as a bit of excitement came over me. I hadn't thought they would take me so soon after my birthday.
"Yes, Bella. Esme was going to take you today, and I was supposed to pick up the car and have it parked in the driveway with a big old bow on it, according to your mother, by the time the two of you returned," Carlisle chuckled as he made an incredulous face at Esme.
'But why did you two buy me a car already if I'm only getting my permit? I won't be able to drive it for another year.' I signed as confusion became my dominant expression.
"Actually, once you pass the test, and have driven a total of fifty hours, ten of which have to be at night, with either your mother or I, you can get your license in six months. If you pass the written test today, you can have your license by mid March," he said encouragingly.
"There will be rules, however. Under no circumstances are you to drive with anyone other than your father or myself until you get your license. That means that even if Alice or Edward, or anyone else say it's okay to drive their car with them, the answer is no. Is that understood?" Esme said sternly, although her tone remained warm. I nodded at her to assure her that I understood.
"So, would you like to go get your permit while I go retrieve your spoiled surprise?" Carlisle asked as he made a goofy face at Esme. She playfully slapped his arm and rolled her eyes. I nodded excitedly.
"Let's go then, sweetheart. If you pass I'll even let you drive home," Esme said with a brilliant smile. I smiled in return and hugged both of them fiercely before running up the stairs to get ready to go. I probably should have thought that through a bit, as I tripped on the last step and went sprawling across the hallway floor upstairs. I got up and laughed silently at myself as I made my way to my room.
I got ready quickly, and sprinted back down the stairs, thankfully without deciding to dust the floor with my clean clothing. Esme met me by the front door, holding out my jacket to me. I grabbed it and ran through the door and down the porch steps without putting it on. I finally had it on and halfway zipped up when Esme made it over to the car.
"If I had't of known better, I would have thought the house was on fire!" she chortled. I laughed and bounced in place as I waited for her to unlock the doors. She finally did, and once we were both buckled in, we were finally on our way.
We made it to the DMV just a few minutes later, and one of the employees showed me the way to the testing area. When the test started up, I was glad Carlisle had given me that manual in the beginning of the summer. I had studied it when I had nothing better to do before I had met Alice, and was extremely thankful that I had as I now read the questions. I would have definitely failed if he hadn't given me that book so many months ago.
I was done with the test in about a half an hour, and I went back out into the waiting area to sit with Esme. I was so nervous I couldn't sit still. Esme had to keep telling me to stop fidgeting. About twenty minutes later, a woman called my name. I didn't acknowledge it first because I wasn't used to hearing it. Esme finally had to point it out to me, and I heard it the third time the woman called out for an Isabella Cullen. The first two times I heard the name, I kept looking around wondering who was related to Esme or Carlisle. I felt utterly retarded as Esme chuckled when I finally got up.
The woman at the counter handed me my permit, and congradulated me. If I could have used my voice without turning to stone, I would have probably squealed better than Alice at that moment. Esme paid the employee and I all but ran out of the building with her keys in my hand. Esme chased after me while laughing and telling me that I better calm myself before starting her car or I'd likely run us right into the building. I laughed and slid into the driver's seat.
I calmed myself just a bit as I adjusted all of her mirrors, and her seat, so that I could see everything perfectly. Esme chuckled beside me and reminded me to go easy on the brake and the accelerator. It almost reminded me of driving an over-sized go-cart.
I drove slowly as we left the parking lot, and kept stealing glances at Esme. I was worried that her nerves would be shot by the time we got home, but so far she seemed at ease. I made it through town at a leisurely pace. Really, with a speed limit of twenty-five there wasn't much of a better word for it. As we made it across the railroad tracks, the speed limit picked up to 40 and I accelerated a little too hard. Esme chuckled beside me, and that relaxed me a bit. I really thought she would have scolded me severely for that. All in all, I didn't think I was doing too badly.
We finally made it back onto our street, and I was shocked by what was sitting in our driveway. It was Edward's shiny silver Volvo.
I wonder what he's doing here...
AN: Sorry about the cliffie... When I was editing this chapter, I realized that while I wrote this chapter during a bout of insomnia, I prattled on and on about useless crap, and decided to spare you all the snoozefest. If only I had read what I was writing that night..I probably wouldn't have been suffering from insomnia! It was THAT bad! The next chapter for Monday's update is almost raring and ready to go...so you all can look forward to that in your update notices first thing Monday morning. As always.. R&R PLS & TY!