Disclaimer: Here's the shocker, wait for it…I don't own CSI: NY. I know hard to believe isn't it? Oh well I will just have to keep dreaming that Danny is mine. Think my husband will mind?
Chapter 37
Guilt
Jessica's head was swimming. She was having a hard time focusing. She remembered going to the party and maybe making out with Katie, but she was hoping that was just a dream. Jessica could hear the slight sound of voices, but when she tried to talk nothing happened. Her throat was very sore. The pressure on her chest was unbelievable, what exactly did I do last night?
She tried to open her eyes again. She looked around the unfamiliar room. Everyone looked so sad. Danny was talking quietly to Don and Lindsay by the door. Jessica tried to move her hand and saw the IV. Where am I? Jessica thought.
Jessica looked around again, this time she saw the machines and realized that something was in her mouth. No wonder I can't talk. I guess I will have to wave my hand to get someone's attention. How did I get into the hospital?
"She is doing a lot better," Danny said as he looked from Don to Lindsay, "The doctor said that the last set of tests he ran came back really good. Her heart and kidney function is where it needs to be and there is no permanent damage."
"How are you doing?" Lindsay asked as she touched Danny's arm. He had been in the same clothes since Sunday and it was Tuesday. "Have you even left the room?"
"I'm fine, but I will be even better when she wakes up. I am not leaving till I see her blue eyes." Danny's eyes filled with tears, but he fought to keep them from falling.
"It's ok, man. She will be fine. How did the procedure go?" Don said full of trepidation.
"They did it yesterday," Danny said dryly. "The doctor says there is no reason she can't have more children."
"Do they know why she miscarried?" Lindsay hoped she would not set Danny off.
"No, but I would guess it was the large amount of alcohol in her system. The doctor says there is no way to know that." Danny was fighting tears again.
"Danny, you can't blame her." Lindsay started, "If you do, you will come to resent her. This isn't her fault. She didn't know, and miscarriages happen a lot more than people know. My sister had three before she had any of her children. It just happens; no one knows why it happens."
"I know Lindsay. It is just really hard not to be mad at her. I just want to blame someone." Danny gripped his fist so tight his knuckles were turning white.
"I know, Danny. I'm sorry. Just try to be supportive; she is going to need you." Lindsay hugged Danny. She looked over his shoulder and saw Jessica's hand moving. "Jessica?"
Danny turned around and saw Jessica trying to move her hand and her eyes were fluttering. "Nurse." A blonde woman, five foot nothing walked up to Danny.
"My name is Laura. What can I help you with?"
"I think she is waking up." Danny just pointed at Jessica stunned.
The nurse walked to the bed, "Hi, Jessica. I am Laura, your nurse. You need to be still okay." At Jessica's nod the nurse continued, "I am going to page Dr. Steven's and we will see about getting you off the ventilator. Are you in any pain?"
Jessica shook her head no and searched the room for Danny.
"Danny, we are going to leave. We will come by tomorrow after shift," Don said as he ushered Lindsay out of the room.
"Okay, bye and thanks." Danny nodded and headed back towards Jessica's bed.
"Hey baby, you have some serious explaining to do." Danny smiled the best he could. Jessica's eyes lit up as she knew he was messing with her.
Danny grabbed her hand. "I am sure you are wondering how you got her." Jessica nodded again. "I found you passed out on the floor of the bathroom Sunday when I got home from work."
Jessica look confused. "It is Tuesday. You had alcohol poisoning, but you are okay."
"Jessica, glad to see your beautiful eyes," Dr. Stevens said as he walked into the room. "Let's get that out of your mouth okay." Jessica nodded willingly. "Alright on the count of three I am going to pull it out. It may be a little uncomfortable."
Dr. Stevens unhooked the tube from the machine and switched it off. Laura was standing behind him. He counted to three and pulled. He handed the equipment to Laura and she walked off.
"Danny will you hand me that glass of ice chips?" Danny reached beside him and picked up the cup handing it to the doctor. "Eat these. It will help the scratchiness of your throat."
"Okay," Jessica said in a low scratchy whisper.
"Now we need to chat. You had alcohol poisoning. You have been out for three days. We were a little worried about you, but you are a fighter or Danny here willed you to live." Dr. Steven's smiled.
"My stomach hurts," Jessica moaned as a cramp hit her.
"That is the other thing we need to talk about." Dr. Stevens let Danny sit next to Jessica and take her hand.
"What is going on?" Jessica saw the sadness in Danny's eyes and tried to sit up.
"Lay back." Dr. Stevens touched her arm. "Jessica, you were pregnant, sweetheart. The baby died and we had to do a D & C yesterday."
Jessica just started blinking furiously as tears welled up. She was going to be a mom. "I killed the baby by drinking?" The tears fell freely and Danny's tears followed the lead.
"No, there is no way to tell if your drinking had anything to do with it. You were maybe five weeks along. There is no explanation as to why. There is nothing you could have done to fix this." Dr. Stevens grabbed Jessica's free hand. "Do not blame yourself. Grieve, but do not blame yourself. You can still have children, there was no damage done to you."
"Oh, Danny, I am so sorry." Jessica met Danny's eyes for the first time. "Dr. Stevens, can we have some time alone?"
"Sure, I will come back in an hour to check on you." Dr. Stevens walked out of the room.
After Dr. Stevens left the room Jessica just stared at Danny. She wasn't sure what to say.
"This is all my fault. I am so sorry. I should have known. I knew I was late, but I just figured it was stress." Jessica tried to make eye contact but Danny wouldn't look at her.
After several minutes of silence Jessica spoke, "Danny talk to me."
"I can't." Danny never looked up.
"Why not?" Jessica was crying again.
"Because I am too angry. Why? Why did you have to get pregnant? Why did you have to lose the baby?" Danny stood up shaking his head. "I need someone to blame and right now you are the only one I can point the finger at. And I don't want to. I almost lost you and I did lose a child. I can't do this right now."
Danny walked through the door as Jessica yelled, "Danny, please. I need you." Danny threw his hands up and walked out of sight.
Jessica rolled over on her side and sobbed till she fell asleep.
Wednesday morning Dr. Stevens walked into the hospital room. Jessica was staring at the wall.
"Good morning." He smiled sweetly.
"Hi." Jessica glanced at the older man. He reminded her of her father, early to mid fifties slightly graying. He was tall too, with sweet eyes that were slightly hidden behind his glasses.
"How are you feeling?" He checked over her chart.
"I feel fine. I am ready to go home." Jessica tried not to cry.
"How are you emotionally?" Dr. Stevens had placed the chart on the counter by the sink and was now sitting in the chair next to the bed. "And don't say fine."
"Okay, I won't say fine." Jessica sat there for a moment then the tears were falling. "It's hard, ya' know. I wake up missing three days of my life and I find out I lost a child. I feel like it is all my fault somehow, but everyone just keeps telling me that it isn't."
"I know you want me to tell you some magical reason why this happened. Every woman I have ever seen go through this wants that. I wish I could give it to them, but it wouldn't make it any easier. It was still your child, whether you knew it was there or not. And now it is gone." Dr. Stevens handed Jessica a Kleenex and continued, "It would be no different a feeling if your older child died. You would want answers, and you will now have fears of losing her. But in time, you will learn to live with those fears and not let them lead your life."
"How? How do I continue living like there is no way to lose my child?" Jessica was sobbing now.
"You just do. My wife has had eight miscarriages in our married life. Three before we ever had a baby and two in between the first and second and three before the last one. It never got easier to lose a child. You just learn to grieve and move on. It is always in the back of my mind and I know hers. They were our children, if only for a moment. And they will live in our memories just like anyone else I know who has passed." Dr. Stevens held Jessica's hand.
"I am so sad. I just want to cry and scream. I want Danny to talk to me, but he wouldn't even look at me yesterday." Jessica searched the older man's face.
"He has to grieve to. It is hard to understand what you are going through. You were carrying that life in you, but he has lost something too. Don't forget that." Dr. Stevens turned as there was a knock on the door.
"Excuse me, can I have a minute?" Danny stood at the door with a bouquet of orchids.
"Of course. She will be going home soon. I am going to write her dismissal forms now." Dr. Stevens stopped at the door. "Remember what I said Jessica. The nurse will give you the rest of my instructions when you leave." He smiled and walked out of the room closing the door behind him.
"What was that about?" Danny placed the floors by the sink and set down next to Jessica.
"Grieving," Jessica stated plainly. "Danny?"
Danny held one finger against Jessica's lips. "Please let me talk first."
Jessica nodded her okay and Danny continued, "Sunday when I walked into that bathroom and saw you lying there I felt my heart stop. I thought you were dead." Danny paused for a second to catch his breath, "I wanted you to fight. There was even a point when you crashed while I was lying by you. I thought my life was over. But you fought, and you lived. My prayers were answered. Then, the doctor tells me that you were pregnant. For a moment I was scared of being a dad, and then I was excited at the idea of having a family with you. But as fast as I became excited, I was told that my child had died. I needed a reason. I wanted to blame you, or me, or Katie."
Danny stopped and laid his head on Jessica's hand crying. After a minute he looked up again. "I know that was stupid. I had to get out of here and think. I didn't want to say anything to you that would hurt you more than you already were. I did a lot of thinking. I made you a promise. I promised that I would protect you and take care of you. Remember?"
"The orchids," Jessica grinned through the tears as she remembered the orchids he had brought her after a fight were she thought she saw him kiss another woman.
"Yes, the orchids." Danny glanced over at the orchids and then back at Jessica. "See while I was thinking I decided that the only way I could truly keep my promise was to marry you. So I called your dad and asked his permission."
Danny reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue box and opened it. Inside was a one carat princess cut diamond surrounded by ten tiny blue sapphires.
"Jessica Kaye Johnston, will you do me the honor of letting me love you till the moment I take my last breath and you take yours. Will you marry me?" Danny held his breath without even realizing it.
The tears were falling even faster and Jessica could barely speak through the hiccups, "Yes." Danny captured her lips in his.
A/N: This chapter was a little difficult to write. I have never actually cried while writing before. Anyway, a couple of years ago I had a miscarriage and well I used a lot of what I felt in Jessica. I know everyone is different and I mean no disrespect to anyone who has been in that position. I lost the baby at 12 weeks. I was two days from being out of the first trimester and had already seen the baby and heard the heartbeat. So I hope I handle the situation properly. Things will look up in the next one…how can they not with a proposal like that.