The Twilight Series belongs to S. Meyer, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with the characters.

AN: And the truth comes out. Review.

Chapter 38

I Hate Myself for Loving You

"What? Why would you think that Quil," Seth asked.

"Just think about it, who are the two most stubborn people we know? Who would laugh in the face of fate even when it tried to hit them over the head with a sledgehammer? Who has the most reasons to hate imprinting," Quil suggested.

"Leah and Jake," Paul answered in shock.

"But when and how could none of us have noticed," Embry questioned.

They all looked at each other and each of them thought about the answer to Embry's questions. Trying to come up with evidence to either support or reject the claim. Jared was the first to speak after several minutes of silence, "I told her early the same day we learned about marking that she didn't understand the pull. She was furious at me but it was just for a fleeting second before she blocked her thoughts."

"She was always blocking her thoughts," Quil remembered. "All of those horrible songs, she'd sing but it all stopped once she was Alpha. Sam told us, he could block things easier than us because of being Alpha."

"And the cryptic shit about her wolf. Why wouldn't her wolf let her phase," Seth reminded them.

Paul wasn't sure whether he should bring it up or not. He debated for several long moments before deciding if it could help, there was no reason to hide it. "The day we found out about the newborn army," he chose to phrase it this way instead of saying 'The day I got caught banging Leah' knowing Seth and Embry were still sensitive about it. "She stopped by later after our pack meeting. I asked her why she told you it was all her idea. I accused her of being a martyr and asked what she was hiding," Embry and Seth both growled at him and Jared whispered, "Knock it off," before nodding at Paul to continue. "She told me it was better that way. Leah doesn't do things just because…the day she became Alpha, she walked into the room with a plan and she knew how everyone of us would react," he finished shrugging his shoulders. "So, she had a reason for taking the blame."

"Holy shit," Quil exclaimed and they all turned to look at him. "When Jake nearly killed me that day. I told you all he was being weird; he'd been weird for weeks. And he didn't know why he acted like that."

"Yeah, he looked confused as hell when I ordered him to stop," Jared remarked.

"I was thinking about what had happened and what a crazy day it was. First, we endured a sex talk from Sue, then Bella called about the vampire army, and lastly, we phased and Seth was freaking out cause you," Quil glanced at Paul before continuing, "And Leah weren't on patrol. And when you both phased in Leah's memories came tumbling out. It was after I thought about that when Jake attacked. He wanted to tear me apart."

"But how could they both fight the pull," Embry asked. "I mean, we've all seen in your head, Jared and in Sam's. You guys get all twitchy and shit from withdrawal."

Paul was the one who came up with a possible reason, "But Kim and Emily aren't wolves. Think about it, both their scents are all over the forest and they see each other constantly in the pack mind. It might have been just enough to satisfy the initial pull."

"It could," Jared remarked. "Before I marked Kim, she went away for the weekend and she left me with her pillow. It had enough of her scent on it that I stated pretty calm for those two days she was gone."

"Seth, remember what she said to Sam that day, too," Embry started. "She told us not to listen but we did. She said all those things to him about he needed to get over her and she wasn't his anymore. But then after he left, she told us how we'd 'never understand because we'd imprint' and it would be wonderful but it wasn't like that for everyone. It was 'painful and we'd rather not deal with it'."

"She looked like she was going to cry and we dropped it," Seth added. "The day he was injured, I overheard mom and Billy talking, too. Leah had crawled into bed with him and was sleeping. He woke up and told mom not to wake Leah."

"And what about when Sam and Edward fought," Jared said. "She couldn't get Sam under control and it took all of us to take him down. And when she came back, she sent us all away. Whatever Edward told her, she didn't want anyone there for it. I think she only let me stay because otherwise, we would have all protested at leaving her alone with Sam. She told him, anything between them was done. She begged him to just accept Emily."

"So, where does it leave us," Quil asked. "Imprint or not?"

Embry sighed before speaking, "I think she imprinted and it was that very first day she phased. She phased next after Old Quil and Billy discussed imprinting with them and she asked me how to block your thoughts. It's never been hard for the three of us to hide things from one another in wolf form. I don't know if it's cause we're siblings or what. But since the beginning it's been there."

"So, Leah recognized it for what it was but didn't want anything to do with it," Jared surmised. "What about Jake?"

"Honestly," Quil began, "I don't think he'd know. He's been chasing after Bella so long, even if he did imprint his feelings would have been all mixed up. Did he ask any of you about why Bella wasn't there after he was injured?"

They all shook their heads in denial. "She said something to Bella when Carlisle and Edward came to check on Jake. But neither Paul nor I could hear it. Bella wanted to see Jake and Leah said something to her and Bella started crying. When Edward entered the house, he was pissed and Carlisle looked…I don't know…I guess scared. Carlisle asked Leah permission before doing anything to Jake. Why would he do that?"

"He recognized their connection or had been told about it," Seth suggested.

"And if a Black has always been Alpha, it would make sense if Leah imprinted on him and him on her; she would be able to step into the role, wouldn't it," Quil asked.

"She was able to disobey Alpha commands from the beginning and she could order us before she was Alpha," Paul seconded. "It makes sense."

"So they imprinted on one another," Jared concluded. "So, who's going to go and talk to her?"

In the end, Paul was the only one brave enough to face the wrath of Leah. He headed over to the Clearwater's house and on the way thought up a game plan. He knocked on the door and Sue answered frowning at him. He concluded Leah must have mentioned to her what he and Leah had been up to.

"Hey, Sue. I need to talk to Leah."

"I don't think Leah's up to visitors, Paul."

He sighed, "Look, Sue. I know you don't like me in particular. That's fine. I know I'm not the best example and you'd probably prefer I never darken your door but I know Jared's talked to the elders about the pack. We had a meeting today and we know what might be going on with Leah. I don't think Leah wants to talk about it but we need her to. It's the only way to help her and the pack."

Sue looked at Paul's face and saw the concern furrowing his brow. "Fine," she said and gestured for him to enter.

"I have one more favor to ask," he told her, "I think it would be better if you weren't here. I'm sure Billy could use the company being Jake's gone."

Sue glared at him, "You think I'm stupid, Paul? I'm not leaving you alone with her."

Paul wished the floor would swallow him up. He wasn't used to begging much less being passive but he knew Leah wouldn't say anything unless it was just him and her. And it was probably going to take yelling on his part and she'd probably throw things at him. Sue would end up breaking up their argument before the truth came out. "Sue, I swear to you, I'm not here to do anything inappropriate with your daughter. We ended things weeks ago and I respect her decision. I'd like to think she and I have become friends. I would do anything for her. But I don't think she'll tell me anything if you're here."

"Fine, but you better remember, you mess with my daughter, it won't just be her brothers after you but me, too."

Paul watched in silence as Sue gathered her coat and purse and walked out the door, slamming it behind her. If it wasn't such a serious situation he'd laugh at Sue's antics. He now knew exactly where Leah's temper came from. He listened and he could hear Leah and could tell by her breathing she was awake. He climbed the stairs and knocked on her closed door once before he pushed it open.

She sat there on the bed, staring out her window. It was just as bad as Seth and Embry had described, the dark circles under her eyes. She'd lost weight, her cheekbones were prominent, her jaw sharper, and her clothes hung awkwardly on her body. He moved his body further into her room and pulled her desk chair up to the side of her bed before sitting down.

"Hey, Leah," he greeted. She didn't move nor return his greeting so he continued on, "Long time since I've seen you. How have you been?"

Silence was all he heard. She didn't flinch or move and have he not seen the blinking of her eyes and heard the beating of her heart, he would have thought she was dead. Definitely worse than zombie-Bella, he was sure of it. "So, you're not talking now? That's fine, I'm sure I can think of a few things I'd like to talk about," he taunted. "How about the fact our great leader, our Alpha has abandoned us? Or we could talk about how the pack is falling apart? But you probably don't care, do you? You never wanted any of this, did you? What was it, Leah? A power trip? Being able to put us all in our places? Why don't you tell me? Cause I'd really like to know why we've been stuck listening to you, following your orders, when you don't give a shit about us!"

Leah flinched at his words but still said nothing. So, Paul continued, "You're hiding something, I know it. So, let's cut the bullshit. You think I care to sit here and watch you play a fucking zombie like the leech lover? I don't," he saw as a tear leaked from her eye. He hated himself for being this cruel to her but it would take a lot he knew to break down the walls Leah had erected. He pushed the chair away, flinging it into the wall and watched as she jumped at the crashing sound it made.

"You know what, Leah. Fuck you. You talk a good game but when it boils down to it, you're nothing but a whiny little bitch, just like Bella," he raged at her.

Leah was off her bed in an instant and she smacked him as hard as she could in the face. "Fuck you, Paul. You don't understand anything. I'm nothing like her. Nothing," she screamed.

He saw the fire in her eyes and the flush of her cheeks as she yelled at him. He'd come this far and it was too late to stop. He laughed at her, "Well, why don't you prove it, little girl? Cause from where I'm standing you sure as fuck look just like her."

Leah's lip trembled and tears erupted from her eyes, "What do you want me to say, Paul? I can't even keep my imprint from leaving me. I was finally going to tell him and then the whore once again hooked her claws into him. None of you understand," she sobbed.

Paul picked her up and carried her back to her bed, sitting down with her, he let her cry. Murmuring in her ear, "Leah, I'm sorry. I don't mean any of it. I'm sorry but we needed you to tell us. Things aren't good and we need you. It's alright. We're here." He held her until her tears turned to sniffles. She made no move to leave his arms but he was uncomfortable, so he positioned them so his back rested against the headboard and his legs were stretched out in front of him.

"I don't know what to do. I can't phase," she whispered. "She won't let me and even if I could, I don't know if I can control the wolf."

"I know I saw what happened that day with Bella. That's why I got Jared. I thought for sure you were going to kill her. So when and why, Leah?"

"It was after the first time I phased. I couldn't change back, Seth was able to. I kept trying and I couldn't at least not until I looked at him. And then it was just poof and I was human again. I didn't understand what happened. Not until, Old Quil and Billy talked about imprinting and then I realized it."

"Embry told us, you asked how to block your thoughts that same night."

"Yeah," she confessed. "I couldn't control them. I didn't want it. His entire mind was focused on Bella and I was still hurting from Sam. So, I blocked my thoughts. It wasn't too long after I was taking over him one day when I saw something I didn't want to see," she told him as her face twisted in disgust. "Remember when you talked about us being together in a physical sense?" Paul nodded and she continued, "You said you were the only one in the pack that made sense. Cause the only other two were virgins. You told me, he'd 'probably call out her name.' I took over for him that day and he was picturing my body but with her head," she answered blushing. "I was pissed, I attacked him and he pushed me off, telling me to phase. I don't know what happened next…but the next thing I knew we were on the ground kissing and I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't said what he did."

Paul frowned when she stopped though it didn't take long for the light to turn on, "He said her name, didn't he? Leah, I'm sure he didn't realize he did."

"I know but it still hurt. Here he's my imprint and he's supposed to be whatever I need. So, what does that say about me? I need to be treated like shit? A substitute for Bella? It was then I decided I was going to fight it. It got easier to block my thoughts once I was Alpha. I still felt the pull, but I could ignore it mostly."

"So, what changed? If you've been fighting the entire time and still were, I don't think you'd be like this. Your wolf wouldn't be so upset, would she?"

"No, I don't think so. Everything was happening so quickly, there was all the drama about us and the newborn army. Then Jake attacked Quil. Quil mentioned Jake had been different for weeks and Jake didn't know why he'd attacked; I started wondering if he felt the pull and maybe seeing us together pissed his wolf off. I wasn't sure but then Edward told me how Sam hadn't marked Emily because he was trying to fight his imprint. And Jasper, he told me he could feel our connection and he said he didn't think Jake understood. I was second guessing everything, my leadership, our plans, and my denial of the imprint. Jasper told me I couldn't fight fate, told me I'd given it a good try but there was a reason for everything happening how it did. I decided I was going to tell him but not until after the battle, I didn't want him to be unable to concentrate because he'd be worried about me. Then he was hurt."

Leah and Paul sat in silence, neither saying anything. Finally, she took a deep breath and continued, "I felt it, everything as it happened. My body phased the instant before into my human form; just before the newborn crushed him and I felt it," she told him as she started to cry again. "It felt like it was my bones that were breaking. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I was frozen. And even as I felt it, I knew it was just a portion of what he was feeling. I don't even remember getting dressed or walking over there. It wasn't until Carlisle told me he had to phase back did I realize, it wasn't a nightmare, it had really happened."

"That's why you were so insistent on staying there that first day. You sent everyone away."

"I had to be there. I couldn't leave his side, not until I knew he was going to be okay."

"What did you say to Bella? We saw you go outside but we didn't hear what was said, all we heard was her crying. Why was Carlisle so wary of you?"

"I told her to stay away from him. Told her she'd done enough. When I pushed her away from me, I told Edward in my thoughts, she was no longer welcome on the rez. That I considered her a Cullen and if he didn't get her out of my sight, I wasn't going to be responsible for what happened to her."

Paul breathed out the air he didn't realize he'd been holding. "Good God, Leah you nearly started a war after we had just finished one. Though I have to say, I agree with you," he said smiling at her.

Leah brushed the remainder of tears from her face. "I'd decided I was going to tell him as soon as he was well. I owed it to him, to myself to be honest. It was still his decision but I hoped he'd understand and I don't know," she shrugged, "Accept me. But then Bella had to fuck everything up again. That's why I can't phase because my wolf knows he's gone. Once I accepted it, well even before, she's always looked at him as her mate. And with him gone, I'm stuck in this body. I can't eat or sleep, all I can do is cry and I hate crying. I wanted to kill her and I think I might have if you two wouldn't have shown up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've abandoned you guys," she said as she started crying again.

"Leah, it's okay. It's not your fault. Things just got fucked up. He'll come home," he promised her even though he was sure it was a lie. He kept his arm wrapped tightly around her and brushed her tears away, "Why don't you close your eyes? You look tired and maybe you'll be able to sleep, okay. I'll stay right here."

Leah had fallen asleep some time ago. Paul's neck was getting stiff and sore from his position but he didn't dare move for fear of waking her. Even in sleep, she looked miserable. Nothing like the Leah he was used to.

He heard as the front door opened and heard Sue's soft footsteps on the stairs. Leah's door remained open and he turned to look at Sue. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "She finally fell asleep and I'm afraid to move. I don't want her to wake up."

Sue sighed but nodded, "It's fine, Paul. I know she hasn't been sleeping. I'd rather she gets some sleep than kick you out of here."

It wasn't long after when Seth came home. He heard Sue tell Seth that he was over and Leah was finally sleeping. He wasn't surprised at all when Seth came upstairs a few minutes later. Seth looked at Paul and at Paul's nod, turned and headed for his room. No words needed to be spoken.

AN: I'm pretty sure, I've included all the little clues I've been leaving for the pack to put together. Don't forget to review.