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THE YEARNING

CHAPTER 38

The following morning, Kathryn sluggishly stirred awake. Her head was killing, her eyes hurting, and her mind was a hazy blank.

Where was she? Why did she feel like hell?

And then scenes from the night before began to flash through her mind.

The Play. The drinking. Chakotay and Daniel.

Slept with Daniel.

No, he had turned her down, beamed her home.

And then...

And then nothing.

But she wasn't home now. Wasn't on the hard and cold floor of her lounge. Now she was in a bed, the soft and satiny bed she shared with Chakotay on The Nerissa.

But how? How had she got here?

A blank.

Just like so many nights of her life.

Blanks that were best not remembered.

Nights that should never have been lived.

Damn Neal.

Damn Neal for those nights. Damn Neal for the pain.

And then...

And then she was crying.

Crying, rocking and hugging.

Lost Chakotay.

After all she'd done, all she'd said, she had surely lost him.

Lost him forever.

Too much pain.

Didn't want to live.

And then...

And then Chakotay was speaking.

"Don't cry, Kathryn. Everything's ok."

But cry was all she could do.

Cry and rock.

And then...

And then Chakotay was beside her, his strong arms around her.

"Hush, my darling. I love you and nothing has changed between us. Everything's ok."

Kathryn found her voice now. "But it isn't," she wept. "Daniel, I...I'm so sorry."

"Nothing happened with Daniel. Holly called him, at my request, and he told her he'd beamed you home. I went to your house, found you, and brought you here."

"But it would have," she sobbed. "It would have happened if he'd...Oh God, I feel sick..."

"You were drunk, Kathryn, and you were hurting. When you're drunk, and you're hurting, hurting from a certain pain, we both know what you do. It's wrong, and it's destructive, but it's a compulsion that won't easily be laid to rest."

"But I betrayed you...I..."

"You didn't. Betrayal is going behind someone's back, making conscious decisions in our sober mind. You didn't go behind my back. You told me plainly where you were going and why. You'd also called it off between us before you went. In that way, even if you had slept with him you were free to do so. But you didn't sleep with him. Nothing happened. So don't torture yourself. What matters is why you got so upset in the first place. That's what we're going to have to talk about."

"I don't know," Kathryn wept. "I don't know why I got so upset. I just...seeing the play...the sex. It made me feel...I can't describe it. Can't describe the pain. Because I can never be like that...can never... But it's what men want and...and you're a man...and..."

And she could say no more. All she could do was cry.

"It's what some men want, darling," Chakotay said, cradling her. "Just like it's what some women want. And that's ok. Sexual desires differ from person to person. But it isn't what I want. I want what you want. And that's all that matters, that we want the same thing."

"But Seska can't of...can't of liked it gentle...and that...God, it hurts."

"No two relationships are the same, Kathryn. Seska and I had a very physical relationship, but that's all we had. And it wasn't enough. Not for me. I wanted more. I wanted what I have with you."

"But I'm so damaged, Chakotay...so messed up. You'd be better off without me."

"Never say that, Kathryn. I love you and I need you. Yes, you have serious issues, but love doesn't walk away from them. Remember, love understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today just the way you are."

At these words, Kathryn slowly turned to him. "But is love enough, Chakotay? Because I must have hurt you. And I'm sorry. I'm so very, very sorry."

Tenderly, Chakotay brushed his fingers against her tears. "I know you're fragile, Kathryn. A bird with a broken wing that is just starting to mend. If she tries to fly too soon, or gets caught in a strong wind, then that wing will break again and she will fall. And no, love isn't strong enough on its own to be her safetynet. It takes more than love. It takes understanding, patience, and commitment. I'm not naive enough to think that issues as serious as yours will disappear because I tell you I love you. I know it's not that simple. And I know that, because of your fragility, it only takes something small to break that wing. In this case, it was the play, but it could have been something else...something you read, something someone said. Sooner or later it was bound to happen. We're doing our best to keep to what Jackie advises, but unless we live alone on a planet like we did on New Earth, it's impossible to completely shut out the world, especially as sex infiltrates so many aspects of our culture. And remember what Jackie told both of us. The healing process isn't plain sailing. It means addressing feelings and fears that have been suppressed for years. You're doing well, Kathryn, and I'm proud of you."

"I don't deserve you to be," she said tearfully. "I was out of line, Chakotay. No matter how much I was hurting, I shouldn't have gone to Daniel. I don't even know why I did. I didn't want to. Just like I didn't want to do all that I did all those years. But I can't control it."

"I understand that, Kathryn. I know it was a drunken impulse. But we'll deal with it and move on."

"Can we?"

"Absolutely. So don't torture yourself anymore. We're stronger than what happened last night." He kissed her forehead. "Now, would you like some hangover meds? You must have a hell of a headache."

"I do," Kathryn said. "And I would. Thank you."

"Then I'll fetch some."

With that, he kissed her again, climbed off the bed, and left the room.

When he was gone, Kathryn sat up, hugged her knees, and laid her hurting head upon them. Laid it and closed her aching eyes. Her eyes that had cried so much they couldn't cry no more. And then she rocked. Hugged and rocked. And she was still hugging and rocking when Chakotay returned. From the doorway, a hypospray in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other, he watched her. In that moment, and in that pose, she looked lonelier and more vulnerable than he had ever seen her. Even though they were on this luxurious ship, and presently as unburdened as two people could possibly be, she looked as though she had the cares of the world on her shoulders. Her pain brought tears to his eyes, just as it always did, and he wished he could wish it away. But he couldn't. All he could do was regret its existence. Regret that such a brilliant and brave woman had such a tormented soul. Over the years he had seen her face enemies without flinching, death without fear, bullies without buckling, and defeat without surrender. But love, which was supposed to be a sanctuary from the harms of life, a haven of peace and pleasure, had her running scared. Running because it had hurt her more than any enemy ever could.

"Here," he said, finally going over to her, "a coffee. I'm guessing you need one."

Kathryn looked up and gratefully took the hot beverage. "Thank you."

Chakotay then gently pulled back her wild hair and put the hypospray to her neck. The relief was almost instant and Kathryn sighed.

"Oh, that's better."

"I know you probably don't feel like eating," Chakotay said, "but you need to get something inside you. Join me for lunch on the balcony? I'll make us some sandwiches with that bread we got at the ranch yesterday."

Kathryn's sad eyes looked up into his and, just for a second, they twinkled. "On one condition. You don't put pickles on them."

Chakotay smiled, remembering that special day of long ago. "Deal."

He then put his hand to her cheek and went on his way.

Half an hour later, now showered and dressed, Kathryn joined Chakotay on the balcony. He had set their table for two and had made a pile of crusty sandwiches that were brimming with lettuce, tomato, cucumber and egg. If Kollie had been around, he would have been begging for one already, but he was presently staying with Gretchen. Next to the sandwiches was a jug of orange juice, beside that a pot of coffee, and in the middle of the table was a vase of summer flowers. As she walked over to the table, Kathryn gave a tentative smile, but her face was very pale and there was still a haunting pain in her eyes. Even though she was a lot older than that dark haired young woman who had waltzed into his life and stolen his heart, it was her Chakotay saw before him. That hurting and lost woman who had breakfasted with him on his verandah after one of too many night's before. He had sensed then her yearning, her longing for a peace that was forever eluding her, and he could sense it now.

"Would you like another coffee?" he asked.

Kathryn nodded. "Please."

Chakotay poured her a coffee, but as he did, Kathryn lowered her eyes and fiddled with her fingers. And then...

And then she was crying.

"I really am sorry about last night," she wept. "Sorry and so ashamed."

At this, Chakotay put down the coffee, got up, and went over to her. "Come here, Kathryn. Let me hold you."

Tearfully, Kathryn got to her feet and leant into his strong body. As she did, Chakotay kissed her and wrapped his arms around her.

"I know you're sorry, darling. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I wasn't with you at the play and I'm sorry I didn't handle things better. I should never have let things go as far as you going to Daniel. But please don't torment yourself about this any more. I know you love me, Kathryn, and I know you're committed and loyal. Last night was one of those nights when everything that can go wrong does go wrong. Let's just remember it that way."

"But I said some terrible things, Chakotay," she wept. "I can't remember everything, but I remember some. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean them. Not about men and not about Michael."

"I think a part of you meant them, Kathryn, the hurting part. Your life was destroyed by a man, so when you hurt you see him in all men. I felt the same about the Cardassians. It was only a few who destroyed my homeworld, but for a long time I loathed them all. But it was my grief and pain that made me hate them. The rest of me, the logical and humane part, did not. I knew there were good Caradassians, and when things came to a test, when I could either let injured civilians die or risk my own life to save them, I chose to save them. My humanity was more powerful than my hate. And I knew then that I didn't hate them. Not all of them. But in the midst of my pain I thought I did. And that's how it is for you. I know you don't hate men. I don't think you're capable of hating anyone. But fear often parades as hate. When you hurt, when your fears and doubts haunt you, you feel threatened by men. And, when we feel threatened, our natural instinct is to hit out. Even the gentlest of creatures will if a sore wound is prodded. That play opened a wound, made your emotions bleed, and you lashed out."

"You're right," Kathryn said. "I don't hate men. If I did, if I didn't long so much for intimacy with a man, the pain wouldn't hurt so much. I could find myself a woman and make a home with her. And I've kind of wished that, you know? Wished I wasn't attracted to men. But I am. I'm attracted every way...emotionally, intellectually and physically. And that is what has made life so hard. I've yearned for what I fear." A tear ran down her cheek. "But I shouldn't have said all those things, Chakotay. I know they don't apply to all men and I know they don't apply to you. But sex is...is so hard for me. I want it, I yearn for it, but at the same time I fear male desire. I fear what a man expects. I fear being hurt. And, like you said, when I fear I lose my logic. I become so swept up by the pain that I no longer see you for who you are, my Chakotay. I see you only as a man, and men I see only as Neal...predatory and savage."

"I understand, Kathryn. That was once your experience and, over the years, it has been reinforced by the type of men you sought out. I wish I could say they are few and far between, that the history of man is totally different to the history you spoke of, but that would simply be untrue. Men have exploited women for centuries and still do. But men have exploited each other too. Our history is full of territorial and racist struggles and, despite all our advances, not a lot has changed in that respect. There may be peace on Earth but space is a different story. Men can't seem to live in peace, can't seem to use their strength only to do good, and I think that's one of the tragedies of the human condition. When I think of the things human men have done, I sometimes feel ashamed to be a man, but we can only be responsible for our own actions and, if we strive always to only do good, then we should be able to rest with a clear conscience."

At this, Kathryn drew slightly away. "If anyone should, you should," she said. "You've never done anything to be ashamed of, Chakotay. You're a good and kind man and have respect not only for people but for animals. So many people don't. Animals are just there to be used. But you have compassion for all creatures. And let's not forget that women do terrible things too. Women like Seska who exploit, manipulate and kill without thought. If men succumb to sexual temptation easier, and I'm only saying if, then women have taken advantage of that for their own gain. I have myself. When it comes to sexual morals, I'm no one to talk. I just...I wanted to be turned down, you know? I wanted confirmation that to men sex wasn't just about the physical. But, like Jackie says, I looked for that confirmation in the wrong place. The right place was in you and in Mark, but I pushed you both away and slept with losers." Tears filled her eyes. "But I long to be like other women, Chakotay. I long to be as expressive and indulgent. I just fear I never will be."

"You will, Kathryn. You're a kind, warmhearted, woman, and are more expressive that you give yourself credit for. You always reach out a hand when it's needed and have no problem dancing or performing before people. I do. I was never brave enough to take part in any of our talent nights. But you always did and were always sensational. Your confidence and charisma light up a room and you have a gift of making everyone feel special."

"Thank you. But I'm not that confident, Chakotay. Not really. I'm just not shy." A tear ran down her cheek. "It's easy to be larger than life when you're pretending. I knew that's what the crew needed, a larger than life captain who inspired confidence and trust, but inside I was often quite scared." Tearfully, she turned away from him and gazed out at the sea. "I fear that I'll always be scared. That I'll always have to be what I'm not. That I'll always be fighting a losing battle. For some women, maybe men too, that's how it is. They never recover from the trauma. Marriages have failed because of a past rape or abuse."

"Yes, but there are also success stories. Women and men who have gone on to have happy marriages and families. No two cases are the same."

"I know. But for me, happy endings they...they happen to other people. Every time I think I'm winning the war, that the battle is won, in comes another armada and I'm back to where I started."

Gently, Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "You're not, Kathryn. A setback doesn't mean defeat. You know that."

Slowly, Kathryn turned to him. "Yes. And I'm ready to keep fighting. But I'm afraid there'll come a time when I can't anymore. That I won't have the strength."

Chakotay took her hands in his. "Then I'll fight for you. Because you're not alone, Kathryn. We're in this together."

A tear escaped her eye. "But if feels like...like you're constantly paying for another man's crime. And I'm sorry for that, Chakotay. You're the last man who should."

"I don't see it that way, Kathryn. Being with you isn't a punishment. I love you and I love being with you. And I know you know a relationship is about so much more than sex. It's about being in love with your best friend."

"But you deserve sex, Chakotay. I feel like...like I'm denying you a right."

"Sex is never a right, Kathryn. It's always a privilege. A joy to share. In that way, it's no different to anything else we enjoy doing together. When we take a walk, we enjoy it because it gives us mutual pleasure. When we give each other a gift, the joy is in the giving and in the receiving. When we see some wonder in space, or we go swimming or skiing, we enjoy it because we delight in it together. Sex is the same. It's about mutual joy, delight, and pleasure."

"I...I've never thought of it like that."

"No, because you see sex as something a man wants from you, as a physical demand devoid of any affection. But for us it will never be that. I don't want sex from you. I want sex with you. I want us to delight in it together just as we do in so many other things."

Kathryn squeezed his hands. "We will, Chakotay. I love you and I love being intimate with you. The way you touch me, the reverence you show, it's nothing like... I never knew there could be so much pleasure. All my life my body has only really known pain." Another tear ran down her cheek. "Michael was just a hologram, a computer program that I manipulated to be what I wanted him to be. He wasn't real. He wasn't a man with needs and feelings. You are. I know some of the things we do must arouse you, but all these weeks you've put my needs above your own and shown remarkable discipline and restraint. What I said was insulting."

"I know you didn't mean it, Kathryn. If you wanted a holo-lover you wouldn't be with me. But you don't want a holo-lover. You want a real relationship and that shows how far you've come. And that's what I want too. A real relationship with the woman I love. I've never had sex with holograms or with ladies of the night. More importantly, I don't want to."

"I said you did, didn't I? I said... " She broke away from him and looked out at the sea again. "But I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have said all that. I just...I thought it was true. I thought holograms were how you took care of your needs on Voyager."

"No," he replied. "What gave you that idea?"

"What you said about Michael...you know, that you never let the fact that holograms aren't real get in your way."

"I was talking about harmless flirtation, Kathryn, about having some fun. I know a lot of people are intimate with holograms, but it's never been for me and not something I would encourage. There's something very dangerous about having this perfect someone we can conjure up and live a fantasy life with. They can be everything we want and need, the perfect lover, yet set us up for a lifetime of holo-sex addiction and unsatisfying real relationships."

"That's what Jackie says, that she never encourages intimacy with holograms, even for people like me. Over the years she's seen too many lives ruined by it. And I can understand how someone gets trapped in that hell. What I didn't like about Michael, I changed, and by doing that I was not only turning him into the perfect lover but into a man I could control. It wasn't good, and I knew it wasn't good, but I was so lonely that I couldn't help myself. But I never had sex with him. I'd programmed him to have the values of the day so he didn't expect it. The most we did was kiss. I wouldn't have slept with him, anyway, even if I'd wanted to, not on the holodeck, not on my ship." She paused. "The Doctor encouraged me to pursue a relationship with him, saying it could be the solution to all my problems, but The Doctor's views on the subject will never be objective. To him, Michael was as real as you. But he wasn't as real as you. And he wasn't you. It was still you I wanted, still you I loved. In a way, I think I was only attracted to him because he reminded me of you. I can't say how, exactly, because you were very different, but maybe because he was gentle too. And I need that. I need gentleness."

"I know you need that, Kathryn, and I want only to be gentle with you."

Tearfully, Kathryn put her hand to his cheek and then slipped her arms around his neck and hugged him. "I'm so lucky to have you. I know I've said it before, but I am. And I love you so much. That's why I was so upset. I was afraid I couldn't be enough for you, that you couldn't love me the way I love you, that for you love is just sexual. I know it isn't, that I was overreacting, but the play hurt so much. It was meant to be a comedy, and everyone seemed to be laughing, but for me it just hurt. Not just because of the things done, but because of the things said."

Chakotay gently drew her away. "What kind of things, Kathryn? What was the play about?"

"A man who was sexually bored of his wife and having an affair with his boss. There were lots of jokes about his wife being a prude, his boss being a cougar, and how unnatural monogamy is for the sex hungry male born only to sleep with as many women as he can."

"That's nonsense, Kathryn. I know some biologists claim that, but quite frankly I find it insulting. Men are not just physical beings. We are spiritual and intellectual beings with a mind. That's what sets us apart from the animals and defines the very essence of our humanity. We are thinkers. And that's one of the reasons I'm a man of faith. I don't believe we evolved from chance, that we are driven only by physical urges to maximise our survival. From that perspective, yes, sex is the crux of our existence because without it we become extinct. No, I believe that love is the core of our existence. I believe the Great Spirit made us with love, that we are conceived in love, and that we are born to love. In that way, love is the entirety of our being. We come from love, we live to love, and when we die we return to love."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "That is such a...such a beautiful thought."

"Yes, and I believe it with my whole heart." Tenderly, he wiped away her tear. "Others feel differently, and that is their right, but before you start drinking and smashing up bottles, come to me for my opinion, ok?"

Kathryn nodded and then hugged him again. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back. For a long time they held each other, the warm embrace soothing the pain of Kathryn's hurting heart, but finally she drew away.

"I've been so wrapped up in myself," she said, "that I haven't even asked about your apartment. How is it?"

"Fine," he answered. "The fire was in another part of the building and was easily contained."

"I'm glad. Your apartment is amazing and I'd like us to keep it as a second home. We might need it if the weather gets too severe at the lodge or we lose power." She paused and lowered her eyes. "That is if you still want us to live together."

Tenderly, Chakotay put a finger under her chin and raised her head. "Of course I do. As I said, nothing has changed between us. I love you and I want to be with you."

Kathryn smiled, tears in her eyes. "Ditto."

Chakotay smiled back, kissed her forehead, and then held her again

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT