Okay...so the thing to remember is that Rikku is going to be okay. It just takes time. She's had a really bad year but she thought this one great thing was happening in her life and then...and she doesn't react well. But she's going to be just fine, eventually. With or without Auron. But...this is not a happy chapter. You know, I tried to warn you...I said I was building to something, I said there would be angst before they got to Zanarkand, I said I was concerned about the rating in these chapters...
Yeah...the rating...
I'm leaving the rating -T- because I think it is -T-, but it's a hard -T-, with mature themes, or maybe immature themes, whatever. There's some stuff I think is disturbing. This chapter was part of the storyline from the beginning but I didn't have fun writing it. Hell, maybe you shouldn't even read it. Just give the story a break and come back to it later.
By the way, been meaning to say for a long time, if anyone wants to remove me from their favorites list (you can do that, right?) please go ahead. I'd much prefer to have an up-to-date list.
Huh. Well. Major spoilers. Disclaimer: FFX isn't mine. Follows the story, but kind of AU, and it didn't start out as an Aurikku. It's about characters and the gradual building of a relationship and all the stuff that sometimes goes into that. Rated -T-.
And like the last chapter, this one is dedicated to Glass Mermaid, and that was a considered decision taking the contents into mind. Tell me what you think.
(Oh, one more thing, I may or may not have the Rikku POV down, but I know I can't write poetry like a teenaged girl. But I needed a poem and it was the best I could do. Sorry.)
Soldier of Spira
Rikku's Diary:
Spiral up, spiral down,
My beautiful death,
Love dies
Life dies
Hope dies
Colors turn grey
Spiraling down to the dark.
Tilt
Auron:
I was under attack, someone or something was hitting me, kicking...screaming? I came awake in an instant. My first instinct was to fight back but instead I throw myself into a roll away from my attacker and came to my feet with my sword in my hand. Something came at me from the darkness and I almost swung before I realized it was Rikku!
What...?
She flung herself at me, swinging her small fists at my face. I dropped the sword and grabbed her wrists.
"Rikku! What—"
She was trying to kick me, trying to head-butt me. I avoided those and she bent her head and sank her teeth into my left hand. I let go of her wrists, and she wound up and slapped me, putting all her weight behind it, and she ran off and disappeared into Yuna's tent. I stood there staring after her.
What happened?
"Hey, Auron?" It was Tidus, looking up from his bedroll. "What's going on?"
Wakka was up too, and I heard voices from the tent. Kimahri was out on guard.
"I don't know," I answered him.
I replayed the scene from my memory, speeding it up, slowing it down. What did I actually see? There. On her face in the moonlight. Anger. No, stronger than anger. Fury. What else? Pain? More than pain? Devastation?
And...tears? Screaming, but nothing coherent. As she runs away, her clothes are in disarray, her shorts hanging halfway down her hips.
What happened?
Rikku's Diary:
WILLA!
Yuna was sleeping when I ran into the tent and just threw myself down on top of her and just hugged her and cried and cried and cried.
"Wha...? Rikku?"
"Yuna," Lulu's voice said out of the dark. "What is it?"
"It's Rikku," she answered, putting her arms around me. "Rikku, what is it? What's the matter?"
What's the matter...
I was asleep, and I was dreaming that he was kissing me—not friendly kisses, not hello and goodbye kisses, not SAFE kisses! I dreamed that he was kissing me REAL and HARD and it WASN'T a dream! I opened my eyes and his lips were on MY lips and on my EYES and my NECK and he was planting burning kisses all over my FACE and his arms were around me, his hands CLUTCHING at my back, and his body was pressing against mine and HE WASN'T THERE WITH ME AT ALL! He was just USING me! Using my BODY, pretending it was HERS! And there I was, stupid, STUPID Rikku, dropping my PANTS for him! He was gonna be my FIRST! He was gonna be my ONLY! I thought he liked me! I thought he LOVED me! ME! But he never did! It was NEVER me, it was always HER!
"Rikku!" Yuna said, hugging me while I cried in her arms. "Rikku, what is it? What happened?"
"A-Auron..." I sobbed, "He...he...and I..."
I tried to get the whole story out between broken sobbing, but I guess I didn't do a very good job.
"Rikku," Lulu asked, putting her hands on my shoulders, "What are you saying? Did Sir Auron...attack you?"
"LULU!"
"Yuna, something happened out there."
Attacked me. Auron attacked me. He tried to rape me and I fought him off. I could tell them that and they'd all go out and look at him! And he'd try to defend himself, but they wouldn't believe him, and they'd make him go away! Just go AWAY! If I was thinking just a little clearer I could have said that, but I was heartbroken, too, and so desperately unhappy and in pain and I just wanted to tell them what happened, so they'd know what he did to me, so they'd make it better! So someone would do something and it'd stop hurting like I'm full of broken glass and someone's just punching me and kicking me over and over and over make it stop stop stopit stopit stopit! I was still crying, and I tried telling them again what happened. I thought he was kissing me, I thought that he wanted me. I thought that he LOVED me. But he didn't...
And it hurt all over again, saying it. Oh god, it hurt!
He doesn't love me.
"Oh Rikku," Yuna said softly. "Oh little Rikku, Rikku..."
He doesn't love me.
And she hugged me while I cried, and rocked me, and sang to me like my mom used to.
Auron:
I was standing near the tent when Lulu came out. Tidus and Wakka were nearby, none of us sure what to do.
"Sir Auron," she said. "What happened out here tonight?"
"I was going to ask you. I don't know. What has Rikku said?"
"Nothing I could really follow. Did the two of you have a fight?"
"I was asleep, Lulu. I woke up and she was hysterical."
"You didn't say anything to her?"
"Do you think I should go in and see her?" I asked, ignoring her question.
"I don't think that would be a good idea right now. Rikku's distraught and not very coherent. I don't think we're going to get to the bottom of this today. Perhaps we should all just go back to bed for tonight and pick it up again in the morning."
"Lulu—"
"She's crying, Sir Auron. Give her some time."
I looked at her, looked at her face. There was something she wasn't saying. She was angry at me. But, I could hear the sobbing, smell the tears and the desperate unhappiness. Perhaps I should give Yuna the chance to calm the girl down.
"All right, Lulu," I said.
She returned to the tent. I turned to the others and told them to go back to sleep, and went out to take over the watch early from Kimahri. I needed to think.
Rikku's Diary:
I woke up slowly, feeling arms around me, and for one moment I didn't remember, thought they were his arms. Then it all came crashing back, falling on me in one big rush of pain and hurt and anger. Lots of anger. I was breathing hard. I slapped him. I remember I slapped him. Did it hurt? I looked like it hurt. I hope it hurt!
"Hurt me."
It was an accident.
"Hurt me," he said, and before he finished speaking Rikku threw a fire gem and he dodged to the right as it went off but she was waiting and she went in low and reached out with her claw scoring along the back of his knee and he went down hamstrung and she threw a fang and he was poisoned. Desperately he reached for a remedy but she couldn't have that, now could she? So she went in with her claw again, swiping at his face, tearing at his eye and he pulled away but she was swinging the razor edge of her targe for his neck and he twisted to the other side like she knew he would and she was waiting and she swung hard and fast and she got the eye and she smiled when she felt it pop under her hand. Was he screaming? That had to hurt, but he told Rikku to hurt him. Hey, Yunie could always fix him up later, she thought, burying the claw in his chest. Was he trying to say something? Hard to tell cause she was on top of him going for his throat turning from side to side slashing with the claw and then the edge of the targe and then the claw again and he was feebly trying to protect himself and his arms were waving weakly and she was cutting and cutting and cutting him and everyone told her it wasn't her fault, it was hard to see all the blood with the red coat, and he couldn't tell her to stop with his throat all torn out so she couldn't know that he was so hurt that even Yuna couldn't save him in the end.
She shouldn't blame herself, they all told her.
It was an accident.
Yeah...
That felt good.
I felt fierce and powerful.
And then the PAIN hit and I was just sobbing and they were awake and they were hugging me just like big sisters would.
Auron:
We were all up early, but no one was making breakfast or getting water or breaking down the camp or any of the things we do in the morning. Even I was just standing, not too far for their tent, waiting. Finally, Lulu came out.
She walked up to me but didn't exactly meet my eyes.
"I don't think we can move today," she said. "Rikku is...very upset."
I remembered a time on the Thunder Plain when it looked like we couldn't move because of Rikku. I had Lulu Thundera the tent, otherwise we would have been forced to leave her there. But I simply couldn't give that order here and now. Not now. And if I could I don't think Lulu would obey it. And they won't go on without her even if I could order that.
Your relationship with this girl has complicated the pilgrimage, Auron.
Who ever could have expected that?
What a fine mess.
The black mage was just standing there, as if she didn't know where else to go. Or perhaps as if she still had something to say.
"Perhaps I should try to speak to her."
She was shaking her head.
"I don't think that would be a very good idea right now, Sir Auron."
I look at her.
"Lulu," I said quietly. "Do you know what is going on? Do you know why Rikku is so upset?"
"It's not my place to comment," she answered calmly. And then she raised her chin and said a bit defiantly, "But perhaps...perhaps it would be better if we all tried to concentrate on Zanarkand and Yuna's pilgrimage from now on, and not let ourselves be distracted by personal issues."
Then her eyes widened and she stepped quickly back from me.
Duty...
My...duty...
This...
...infant...
This...top-heavy, twenty-something, half-trained child-mage was lecturing me about...
...duty...
I have been fighting wars that she doesn't know exist since before she was born and she is lecturing me about...duty...? Tidus' hand is on my arm and Lulu swallows and says weakly, "Sir Auron, please...you've hurt her enough."
My eye narrows. I look around at the others. Tidus, Lulu, Wakka, Kimahri. Yuna was in the tent with Rikku. I considered the situation.
"Wakka," I said, my eye falling on him. "Go in and speak to her."
"Uh, me?"
They all seemed surprised, the blitzballer most of all.
"You, Wakka. Try to get her to come out. Tell me if you think we can get her to move today."
"Uh, okay," he said, doubtfully. He looked at Tidus, then at Lulu, who looked as if she thought something was going on but she wasn't sure what, and then at me. And then he took a breath, let it out, and ducked under the flap of the tent.
Rikku's Diary:
Someone came into the tent, but I didn't know who and I didn't care. I knew it wasn't him. I was mostly finished crying now and I didn't listen while Yuna and whoever talked, and then Yuna said, "Rikku, I'll be right outside, okay? All you have to do is call and I'll come right back in. I'll come back soon anyway, all right?"
And then she let me go and I suppose left the tent.
"Uh, Rikku?"
Wakka.
"Uh, well, say Rikku, we're, uh, we're all really worried about you, ya? Me and Tidus and Kimahri and Auron and—"
DAMMIT, why am I crying again! How many tears do I have, anyway! And this time it's Wakka holding me, and his arms are strong like they were on the stairs when my home was being destroyed and he's saying please don't cry and then he's saying go ahead and cry and it'll be all right and he doesn't smell like willow trees he smells like clean gym clothes when they just come out of the dryer and its nice and I like it but it's not willow trees DAMMIT!
Auron:
I held Lulu back when she would have followed Wakka into the tent, and a minute later Yuna came out and silently joined us.
"Will you tell me what this is about," I asked her.
She looked up, and then looked at Tidus and Kimahri, and shook her head looking back down at the ground.
No one else spoke, and after perhaps ten minutes Wakka came out of the tent. Yuna ducked back in immediately while the rest of us gathered around the blitzballer.
I, uh, I don't think we should try to get her up today. She's really upset, ya?" He shook his head. "Still don't know why, but I think we should let her be today, Sir Auron."
So that was that. We weren't going to go anywhere today. Best to get them all back into their routine as much as possible, I thought. Get them doing something familiar to take the edge off their nerves.
"Wakka," I said, "Training. Long session. Eat first if you like."
"Oh, uh, sure, Sir Auron. Not really hungry, myself," he said, and then lifted his voice. "Lu? You an Yuna an Kimahri, uh, magic training, ya? Eat first if you want. Uh, one a you can stay with Rikku. Tidus, you an me drill. Sir Auron, well, you know, whatever you need."
He glanced at the tent, and then shook his head and walked off a little way with Tidus.
As they broke up to start their drills I also went a little farther apart. I settled down to meditate. I have been trying to reacquire the special attack I named Banishing Blade. Overly dramatic name, but very useful. It will inflict all status breaks on an enemy, even if they are normally immune. (I first came up with it because I was annoyed at all the fiends that were immune.)
But I was having no luck today. Of course. My mind kept wandering back to Rikku, wondering what had happened. After a fruitless half-hour I finally gave up, and simply sat looking out over the cliffs at the far horizons. I have always loved the high places, the long views...and recently I have enjoyed sharing them with Rikku. I never needed to share the long views with anyone before. It was always enough that I saw them. But now...there was simply something missing.
I didn't know what to think of all this. I had nothing to work with...no references. All I knew was that something must have happened and no one was telling me what it was. I didn't want to force the issue blindly. It might do more harm that good. How could I know? All that I could do was wait. Then something occurred to me, a way I could find out what happened last night. I set myself in position to meditate, tried to clear my mind, and began to induce a memory trance. It was basically a simple trance that allowed me to recall some particular memory in almost total detail. I was no master of this particular mental skill, I cannot count the leaves on a tree that I once saw in passing twenty years ago, but it is a moderately useful ability and I have used it upon occasion. This should have occurred to me before, but...perhaps...perhaps I was scared of what I would remember. I shook off these thoughts and called up the old breathing rhythms, and the mnemonic hymn that my instructors taught me many years ago, and as I settled deeper into the trance and the old mental disciplines took hold I began to experience memories of Rikku, on the Thunder Plain, in Macalania, on Bikanel, in the Calm Lands. I don't suppose I ever realized that I had so many memories of her.
I focused on recent events, on last night. I saw the others go to bed, leaving us alone. I saw her give me the sword and I watched as I practiced with it in front of her, and then we lay down and slept. I moved forward in time, to just before I woke up with Rikku in hysterics.
And now I'm dreaming, but this is a dream of something that happened once. Three years ago in Zanarkand, Willa and I had been living together for one month and we went out to a show to celebrate, and then late dinner. She had added yet another silver stud to her ear to mark the event, but she was still beautiful and alive and smiling her crooked smile. The show was all right and the dinner was good and we talked and held hands. It was a chilly night, and the wind was coming off the water, so I wrapped my old red coat around both of us as we walked back to the apartment. In the dream as in reality, she was in my arms before we were even through the door and we stumbled down the hall and fell across the bed and I remember that in my dream—while I was actually dreaming—I was so surprised because I was kissing Willa and it felt so...right, so good, and so natural. And it was strange, that it felt that way this time in my dream, so real and so natural. We were in the bed and fumbling with each other's clothes and she was calling "Auron" and I was softly calling "Willa..."
"Auron..."
"Willa..."
And I was waking up...
And...it was...
...Rikku...
"Willa..."
Oh...
...damn.
Damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...damn...
Auron:
I never should have gotten so close to her.
I don't know how long I sat there before I moved, and then I began to practice the forms—all of them. I don't know how the others passed the day but I trained heavily with the sword for hours. I think they came to watch me from time to time. Wakka would be there for a while, then Tidus, then Kimahri. I don't think they tried to speak to me but I don't suppose I'm really certain. I finally stopped in the late afternoon. Just...stopped, and stood with my sword in my hands. For want of anything better to do I started walking the perimeter of the camp, supposedly checking for fiends. But I was actually thinking. I felt a need for the cold and the silence, but Tidus came up and fell into step beside me.
"So..." he said hesitantly. "So, uh, you figure out what happened?"
"Yes," I said. "I know what happened, and I know that I hurt her very badly."
After a moment he said, "I'm, uh, guessing you didn't mean to, Auron."
"And yet she is hurt," I answer softly. "And her pain is very real. Did she ever come out of the tent?"
"Uh, no. She didn't. So, okay," he looked at me. "So, what now?"
What now...?
I think...I think...that this is beyond apologies. This...has changed things. I can feel how hurt she is, even from this distance...I can smell it. Some other place, some other time, this might have been a simple fight, but here, now, us...this was not a simple fight. This can not be easily made up, no matter what someone else might think. Yes, it was just a mistake, but Rikku...has had a very bad year. So much has happened to her, and she has lost so much, and now...
I never should have gotten so close to her...
"Tidus," I said slowly. "I want you to look after Rikku. She's hurt. She's in pain and she might not be thinking clearly. And she's still afraid. She will need a friend very badly, and...I don't think it can be me, right now."
I felt a sudden fierce pang at the thought. The knowledge that she will be afraid in the night and I know that she won't come out to me and ask me to hold her and take all her fear away, it was like a physical pain somewhere in my chest.
Ignore it, Auron. You're good at that. The boy was speaking.
"Huh," he said looking away out over the view. And after a few more steps he went on, "Uh, you know Auron, she's tougher than she looks. And she's got friends, Auron. Yuna and Lulu, and even Wakka. Heck, even Kimahri likes Rikku. So maybe..."
He trailed off. I raised an eyebrow at him and he licked his lips nervously.
"Maybe you need a friend more than she does right now," he said. "Maybe you're in pain too, Auron."
"Tidus..."
"I think you need a friend," he said quickly. Then he put his hand up behind his head and looked away as we walked. "And, uh, if you, uh, need, you know...a hug...Auron..."
I smiled in spite of myself. A little.
"Thank you, Tidus," I said. "No."
"Whoo! Okay, well," he said, grinning and shaking his head in relief.
He's growing up. He's a good boy, and I'm proud of him.
I'll tell him one day.
"Just..." I started, "Just be a friend to me, by being a friend to her, Tidus, when she needs a friend. Be a friend to her even when she doesn't."
"Hey," he said quietly. "You know I will. So, um, do you know what you're gonna do, then?"
"I think so," I answered, slowly coming to a stop. He stopped and stood beside me. I sighed. "Sometimes, Tidus, there are no right answers. No one perfect thing to do. So you just have to find the best answer you can."
"Yeah, I remember, Auron."
"And I think it's best if I leave the party for a time."
"What!"
I've actually been considering it for a while. All this...simply makes the decision easier. It will give the entire party a chance to come to terms with...things, new situations. And they can conquer the mountain without me now. I know that. I have no doubts. They know that teamwork is the key, and I think teamwork...will be easier right now, without me. Wakka can lead. I will tell him and Tidus the things they need to know to pass the caves and the guardian. I don't know what will happen when Tidus comes face to face with the dreamer fayth. I wish that I could be there to help him deal with what whatever he might find out, but I know that he will be strong. They will all be strong, and they will gain confidence dealing with the pilgrimage without me. And there are vital matters that I can attend to on my own.
Because now I feel sure.
Seymour is coming. And he has the Lance.
So I will go back and meet him. Perhaps if I hurry I can fight alongside the Ronso. That will be the best chance, but if I cannot then perhaps I can at least reach him before he has rested and healed.
And then if I...when I...have dealt with him I can meet them again at Zanarkand. I don't doubt that I can catch up with them traveling on my own. I think it is the best use of our resources.
And...I think...it is best for Rikku.
I look at the wide-eyed boy and continue walking.
"Not forever, Tidus," I said. "But I think it would be the best thing for right now."
He grabbed my arm and spun me to face him.
"Auron, you can't go! What about all of us? What about the pilgrimage?"
I put my hands on his shoulders.
"You will all do what you have to," I said. "And you will be fine. If I didn't believe that, I would never consider leaving."
"But what about Rikku!" he said. "Auron, you can't just run."
"I..." I took a breath. "I think it would be better for Rikku if I wasn't around her right now. It will give her time and space to recover her balance."
"No, Auron," he said, shaking his head. "You're wrong! You need to straighten all this out with her, not just leave and hope it all gets better somehow. Look, I still don't know what all happened, but...Auron, do you remember when she had that, you know, that dream? And we were laughing at her, and I came up to you and apologized? Do you remember what you said? You said she was a very forgiving person. And she will forgive you, Auron, whatever it was, I know she will. But you gotta stay with us, and deal with things. Not run away!"
"Tidus," I said, "I know, I know that she will forgive me in time. Perhaps we will even be friends again, one day. But...that doesn't mean she'll ever...let herself get close to me again, close enough to get hurt like that again."
"Auron, I'm sure she will—"
"And I don't think she should."
"What?"
I looked at the ground as we resumed walking and I explained my thoughts to Tidus.
"She'll only be hurt again," I told him. "That's a certainty. If she loves me, she will be hurt. Worse than this. And she will end up hating me. And I don't want that. Not for her, and not for us. So, perhaps...perhaps this is all for the best, after all."
"Auron," he said almost desperately. "We all get hurt! I GOT HURT! I LOVE Yuna, and I got HURT when I found out what this stupid pilgrimage was all about! But I wouldn't go back and change things now if I could. I wouldn't go back and not love her!"
"Tidus..."
"And Rikku, she wouldn't change things either! I mean, in the future, when you're all past this and when this is just some stupid little nothing memory, Rikku wouldn't give up what she's gonna have with you just to save herself a little pain! She's braver than that! Damn it, Auron, you're going to get past this and the only time either of you'll ever remember it at all is when you have some fight and she drags it out to throw it in your face and you'll get all mad and stuff and you'll be hurt and then you'll make up! That's life, Auron! People fight! For god's sake, you taught me that!"
"Tidus, sometimes things don't work out. I taught you that too."
"Yeah, you try things and sometimes they don't work out. That's life. But they never work out if you don't at least try! Auron," he said as I opened my mouth, "You're not gonna win this argument. You taught me too much about hope."
"I DON'T WANT TO HOPE!" I shouted at him.
"Uh," he stepped back.
DAMN IT, Auron.
I took a breath. The air is cold on the mountain, and I hold it in my dead lungs and feel it burn, and then I let it out in a cloud.
"Auron...?"
I don't.
Want.
To hope.
Suddenly I feel a wave of blazing anger. I'm angry with myself. I have let this...this...all of this with Rikku, I have let it all get out of hand. What was I doing? Holding this little teenaged girl in my arms in the night, playing her little flirting games with her, always telling her how strong and smart and sweet she was, what was I doing?
I close my eye. She smells like bubble gum and hope. Her skin is smooth and soft. Her smile is the brightest and happiest that I've ever seen and her eyes are deep green spirals that I could fall into forever, and suddenly I know...
I love Rikku.
"Whoa...!"
Oh lord, did I say that out loud?
"Tidus..."
"You really love her?" he said, slowly starting to smile. "That's great!"
"Tidus," I said.
"I mean, yeah, you're old, but I don't think she cares about that."
"Tidus, shut up!"
"Uh?"
"It's not a good thing."
"YES IT IS!" he shouted back furiously, and stood there fists clenched. "Here! Now! For you and for her! Yes it IS!"
"She's HURT!"
"IT'S WORTH BEING HURT, AURON!"
What was this? Suddenly we were practically shouting into each other's faces. I was gritting my teeth. Where did the boy learn to be so stubborn?
"Enough, Tidus," I ground out. "It doesn't really matter if I'm right or you're right, not now. In either case the best thing for Rikku right now is to give her some space. So, I need to leave for a while."
He just looked at me for a moment, and then he shook his head and sighed. It seemed familiar somehow.
"You're wrong," he said softly, then said at a normal level, "But damn you're stubborn. Okay. So when do we leave?"
I looked back at the boy. I admit it. He surprised me.
"No Tidus," I said. "You're staying."
"I don't think so, Auron," he said, shaking his head again. "I think wherever you're going, you're gonna need a friend. I'm going with you"
"What about Yuna?"
"What about you?"
"I'll be...fine."
"Yeah? What are you planning to do on your own?"
"I'll stay busy."
"Auron..."
"Tidus, please," I said quietly. "As a favor to me. I want you to stay and protect Yuna and Rikku."
He looked at me for a moment, and then said, "All right, Auron. But you better come back okay."
"I have every intention of doing so. Now, could you please find Yuna and send her over."
"Yeah, sure," he turned to go.
"Tidus," I said. "Don't tell her what it's about."
He nodded without turning.
When he had gone I sat down for a moment to think.
I...love...Rikku.
I love Rikku.
When did that happen?
Auron:
I could see two of the small white flowers on the ground, the same ones that I had shown to Rikku. I remember I wanted her to feel better, so I pointed them out to her and after she had gone I picked a few and later that night I gave them to her when she gave me this wonderful new sword. It made her happy. And giving them to her and seeing her face light up made me feel...
I sat on a boulder in the snow while I waited for Yuna and thought about what I was feeling now and why I was feeling it.
That's not something I do often.
I love Rikku.
When did it happen?
You're a fool, Auron. But you're not stupid. You know when it happened. It happened a while ago. Maybe even back when she first came out to you where you were sleeping and she asked you to hold her and then she put her arms around you and told you not to be afraid. Or maybe later than that. Maybe when she told you all of the secrets that she was so ashamed of, and you first realized that she was a star. Such a brave little star. Or maybe earlier. Maybe even when she first asked if she could trust you, and you said no, and she understood. Maybe when she danced in the Calm Lands, or when you danced together in Macalania or when she called you a coward or when she said Yuna was your puppet or when she squealed with sheer joy and threw herself into a hole on top of a buried treasure chest or...
Auron, you've been falling in love with her all along, ever since you first saw how special she was, and how brave. Maybe as far back as the Thunder Plains, where she faced her fear. But you fooled yourself. You told yourself that it was nothing, just a crush on her part and great fondness on yours. You even said you were staring to love her, I suppose, but never in any romantic way. So why admit it now?
I was grasping and releasing the hilt of my sword as I sat. Another question to which you already know the answer. You're so good at those, Auron.
Why now? Because it's too late now. Because when she was flirting and teasing and promising everything without words, you didn't dare admit your real feelings to yourself. You knew what she was offering. Did she even know what she was offering? Did she really understand the game she was playing? She bought a pushup bra for you, Auron. You knew. You knew when she would lean in close and try to steal a kiss that she was offering you all of her love and all of her youth and all of her hope and her body and her beauty and everything that she had, and not in those words, but it was there and you knew it even if she didn't...and you were afraid.
Auron, you were...
...I was...
...afraid...
I was afraid that if I admitted to myself that I was starting to love her that I would never be able to resist her. And I was afraid that if I did resist her, it would be the end of everything we had, the end of our friendship. And I didn't want that. When did her friendship become so important to me?
The perfect lose-lose situation, Auron, a relationship that can never happen, or no relationship at all.
So, instead of doing what you know you should have done, instead of admitting your feelings and dealing with them, instead of separating yourself from her and letting her start to get over you...you played pretend so you could keep holding her, and smelling her, so you could keep laughing and smiling with her and just being close to her and you didn't even think about the eventual cost to her.
And now this.
You're a selfish bastard, Auron. You didn't take her body, but that's the only thing you didn't take. You enjoyed her company and you wanted to be with her instead of pushing her away, and now...this.
And the only reason you can admit it to yourself even now is because it's too late. It's safe now. Nothing can happen now and you...I...can admit now that...
I love Rikku.
I was preoccupied with these thoughts and didn't even notice that Yuna was standing in front of me in the snow until she spoke.
"Sir Auron?" she asked in a cool voice. She was angry with me. "Tidus said you wanted to speak to me?"
"Yes, Yuna," I answered as I stood up. "This is not an acceptable situation."
"Um," she frowned a little, "N-no, it isn't."
"I think that it's best if I leave you for a time."
"What? No!"
"I think it's best—"
"NO," she said firmly.
"Yuna, listen..." I said.
She crossed her arms in front of her and fell silent, her mouth set in a firm line that dared me to try to convince her.
"Not forever, Yuna," I said. "Just for now. This is already affecting the pilgrimage. We didn't move at all today, and may not move tomorrow. And worse than that, it's affecting our unity. Already you and Lulu are on Rikku's side. Tidus is taking my side against you and Lulu and that pulls Wakka as well. Yuna, there should be no sides. But there are. They are forming over this.
"Rikku and the party both need time to deal with things, and it will simply be easier if I am away. The party will close ranks and reunite without me, and be strong when I rejoin you. It will be a little unsettling when I return, but nothing like it is now. But if she has to see me every day, it will take longer for her to heal, and bitterness will set in, and poison the party. So I should go. Just for a while. There are things in any case that I should take care of, things that are also important to your pilgrimage, and this is a chance to do that. I will rejoin you in Zanarkand."
"Are you done," she asked quietly.
"I am."
"You can't go."
I frowned a bit.
"It is for the good of the party," I said.
"Sir Auron," she said, speaking slowly and steadily, "This pilgrimage is the most important thing on Spira. We are trying to bring the CALM. You yourself said this is the most dangerous part of the journey and we cannot afford to lose our strongest fighter. It's as simple as that."
"Yuna, do you think that I would go if I did not believe that you could succeed on your own? The six of you are stronger than any threat you will meet this side of Zanarkand."
"We don't even know what's on this side of Zanarkand, but you do!"
"I will tell you everything you need to know before I go. You will be fine, if you all simply work together."
"But we're stronger with you."
"Ordinarily, yes, but now..."
"Now, we'll cope."
Who was this fierce little teenaged summoner looking up at me so steadily? Where has she been on this pilgrimage up until now? Where was placid little Yuna? Bemused, I shook my head.
"I think it will be best for Rikku," I said quietly.
She swallowed, but she didn't look down.
"She's...strong..." she answered softly. "She'll cope..."
"She's hurt. And she will hurt every time she sees me. She needs time to heal. Yuna, I thought you would be a better friend."
She flinched, but still did not look away.
"I...I will be as good a friend...as Spira can afford me to be. The pilgrimage needs you," she said, and took a breath. "More...than it needs her. If...if she really can't be around you, then...then we have to send her away."
I looked at her silently, and she stood looking back. Who is this summoner, I wondered to myself. She is...harder than I thought.
"She has lost her home," I said softly, "And people she cares about, and she loves you. She is only here because she loves you. You would send her away?"
"Don't make me," she whispered, and I finally saw her blinking back the unshed tears that were in her mismatched eyes. But I saw no doubt in her face.
Did her voice quiver, just a little? I looked at her. Did her lip tremble, just a tiny bit? Will she break down in front of me? I closed my eye and took a shallow breath and underneath the reek of death, I could smell raging storms of grief and guilt within this slim young girl who stood up so straight in front of me, defying me, willing to exile the cousin she loved and abandon her alone to her pain.
She would do it.
"Sir Auron," she said quietly. I opened my eye. "You may not go. I do not allow it. I will never allow it. I am the summoner and you are a guardian and you took an oath. Will you break it?"
And there it was. There was the question that had always been between Yuna and I. Looking down at the girl I tried not to let her see the surprise that I felt. Yuna has always seemed mostly passive to me on our journey. Strong, but passive, deferring to others and allowing them to make the decisions for the most part—deferring to me or to Lulu, or sometimes even to Tidus or Rikku. She was always willing to accept my guidance. Even when she insisted on going to Bevelle after we fought Seymour, I thought Wakka was really driving the decision and she was following behind. And here she stands in front of me now, invoking her authority as the summoner and showing sadness but no hint of uncertainty.
I see one tear finally escape her green eye and trickle down her face. Not a spiral eye, but deep green. Like hers. Yuna never looks away.
Should this show of strength and purpose surprise me after all? She has never really defied me before this, but...she stood up to Seymour, a maester, when she thought he abused his power. She stood up to Yevon when she thought the Church had become corrupt. She stood up to the Ronso when they would have forced her to abandon her quest. And now when we disagree, and I have become someone she believes she must stand up to...now she shows her steel.
She has not spoken. She looks me in the eye, silently waiting for me to answer her question. Strictly speaking, the oath does not compel obedience, only that I would give my life to protect her. But the tradition is strong that the summoner leads the party. Braska and I were old partners and acted like equals on our pilgrimage, making most of our decisions together. He deferred to me on many things, but there was no question that the final decisions were his. He gave orders infrequently, but once he did I would not have dreamed of disobeying.
But that was Braska. This is Yuna. Only seventeen. Close to eighteen now, I suppose. So young.
Have I underestimated her all of this time? Or has she grown?
She is willing to let Rikku suffer in the name of the higher good.
She is close to tears. I have no illusions that it was an easy choice for her to make. But she did not hesitate.
She is worthy of respect.
"I will obey my summoner."
Rikku's Diary:
I opened my eyes the next morning. I was in the tent, huddled in the blankets and Yuna was asleep with her arms around me. No, she wasn't asleep. She was crying softly.
"Yuna...?"
She raised her head and looked at me.
"Rikku," she said. "How are you?"
"I'm okay, Yunie. Why are you crying?"
She smiled a little when I said I was okay, like she didn't believe me. And then she took a breath and said, "Rikku, Sir Auron has offered to leave us."
Huh. Leave.
"Just for a while," she said, "He said he didn't want to hurt you or the party. He said it would give us all a chance to get over things. But..."
She was still crying, quiet little tears leaking down her face.
"What, Yunie?" I asked.
"Rikku...I told him no. I said I wouldn't let him leave, that he was too important, that he was..." she took a little sobbing breath, "More important than you, Rikku.
"But, Rikku," she went on in a rush, "I'll let him go, if...if you really need it. I'd never leave you alone. Rikku! I wouldn't! I know you're only here on this pilgrimage for me and I never want you to feel alone! It's just...it's so important and we're so close and we can't afford to lose him now, I know we can't! I don't know how I know, but I do, Rikku. I know! But...but if you want me to send him away, Rikku..."
"Yunie, Yunie, stop," I said. "It's okay. It is."
And a little part of me wanted to throw myself into her arms and say YES, please Yunie! Make him go! PLEASE, Yunie!
But that was just silly.
"It's okay Yuna," I said, running my fingers through her hair. "Really it is. I'm not alone. I have you and Lulu and Tidus and Wakka and Kimahri. I know that. Of course Auron has to stay with the group."
She looked at me kind of strange. I guess I can understand that.
"I'm not mad anymore," I told her with a little smile. "It's fine."
And I really wasn't mad now. Boy, I had wanted him dead before. I was so mad at him. But I'm not anymore, cause I understand, now.
I finally understand.
She woke up that morning and it took her a little while to figure out what was different, but after a moment she realized, she wasn't mad anymore.
That was strange. She had been so angry, but now she wasn't. And she had to think about it a while before she understood why. It was because she recognized now what had actually happened. It was really kind of silly, and it wasn't his fault at all. He had tried to tell her.
It wasn't him. It was her. She had been fooling herself all of this time, telling herself that she was in love and he had said it was a crush and then it had all gotten mixed up with hormones. She shook her head at how wrong she had gotten it. But now she knew.
She didn't want sex with Auron. That wasn't it.
She just wanted sex.
And all that other stuff, that romantic, lovey-dovey other crap was just her fooling herself. It was obvious now. She wasn't some young girl in the middle of a great love story. She was just a regular horny teenager with an awkward young body full of physical needs and raging hormones, and she had been playing stupid little horny teenager games, fooling herself because she just couldn't admit to herself that she was hot and horny without being in love, so she made up this whole love story so she could try and have sex without feeling like some tramp.
She had a friend—Linna. Linna had been doing it since she was thirteen. She was a real friend, and she never made fun of Rikku's choice to stay a virgin, never tried to change her mind. She just said—once—that Rikku didn't know what she was missing. Linna had a vibrator—more than one, actually—and said Rikku should at least try that. Rikku could make one of those, she thought, probably out of the next mech they came across. That would be okay and she figured she knew what to do with it and she was sure she'd enjoy it, but...she knew that somewhere up ahead was Zanarkand where they would all probably die soon. And she sure didn't want to die a virgin.
"I WANT SEX!" she said to herself inside her head, "And I can do BETTER than dropping my pants for some old one-eyed guy with a scar."
Like, Tidus, she thought. Tidus is young and good-looking and has a great body. I bet if I get him off alone away from the others and start tearing off my clothes and his clothes we'd be doing it in no time. Or...maybe Wakka. Tidus is with Yunie, and maybe I don't want to go there, although it's really no big deal. And Wakka was kind of a big guy, you know. Maybe...
NO! No! Kimahri! Kimahri was huge! I'll bet...
That's what I'll do, she thought! I'll walk up to Kimahri one night while we're all around the fire and I'll ask him if we can talk in private and we'll step away from the others into the dark, but not too far away and he'll still hear us.
No! NO! I'll go out to Kimahri one night when he has the watch and he won't say anything and I won't say anything and I'll take off my clothes and he'll take off his clothes and we'll start doing it, and, and, and Auron will be coming because it's almost the end of the watch and he'll hear me screaming and he'll think, Rikku! Rikku's in trouble! And he'll run and burst through the trees and see me naked having sex with Kimahri and he'll just be stunned and, and, maybe Tidus can be there too, and I guess Wakka, and maybe even Yuna and Lulu, and it'll be all of us together, everyone but him. They'll be doing things to me and I'll love it and he'll see!
And, and, and we'll do it every night! During the day we'll all be perfect little guardians and summoners and do everything that he says, Yes, Sir Auron! No, Sir Auron! Right, Sir Auron! But at night the clothes will come off and they'll all climb on top of me and have sex with me, everyone but him, and he'll turn and walk away because he doesn't want to see and he doesn't want to hear what they're all doing to me, what they're doing to little Rikku, and that I LOVE it! YEAH!
I shook my head. Okay. That was weird, there at the end. Huh. Rewrite that sometime. But still, it was all so silly now that I understood.
Yuna followed me when I got up and went outside. Wow. The sun was all bright and stuff. I hadn't been outside for a whole day, and I guess my eyes were still sort of sore from all the crying I had done. They were all out there. I didn't look at him because even if I wasn't mad I thought it would be, you know, awkward. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way. So I didn't look at him, I just told them all that I was sorry I had held up the journey and that I was all right now. They didn't have to worry about me.
And everyone was being so nice and gentle with me, asking how I was and if there was anything they could do for me. Man, I was tired of that, tired of them all being so sweet and understanding. Hey, it's not like I was made of glass. I almost took Wakka's head off the fourth time he asked me if I needed anything, but I managed to smile instead. (You know, he's really kind of good-looking if you can ignore the hair.) But really, I guess I was kinda tired of everything. I just wanted to get back to normal. Or whatever.
So we ate and broke camp and started up the trail. No one was talking much. It was cold and snowy and cloudy. We fought a few fiends and things. Passed some graves. Just a regular day on Mt Gagazet. And I really was back to normal even though they didn't seem to want to think so. I was making little jokes and singing little songs but they were all looking at me like they didn't even recognize me sometimes. Okay, so they were some really dirty jokes, but they were still pretty funny. And I was teasing and maybe even flirting a little with Tidus and Wakka, and I kept sneaking glances over at Kimahri, too. He looked back once and I smiled at him and licked my lips. He nodded and looked away. Hm. And I kept pulling up the front of my tee to rub my hands just under my breasts, you know, just to see who was interested.
And all during the day I kept finding my hand sort of wandering down to the front of my shorts, and maybe kind of rubbing a little. Kinda embarrassing, I guess. Man, I really need to take care of this soon, now that I know what's going on. Damn, it'd be so easy if we weren't in the middle of nowhere, if there were some hot young guys around who just wanted to have a good time and just do it, you know? Just wanted to have some fun, but nooooo, I'm stuck out here with people who care about me. Huh. If they really cared they'd take twenty minutes outta their busy lives to do a girl a favor. I mean it's not like I'm ugly or anything.
You know, I'm, um...a virgin. Well, I guess you knew that. I mean, I've had chances, and I've even wanted to sometimes, kinda. But, well, I guess I've always sort of thought that I'd get married young, you know? I mean, I've got a heart full of love, and it sounds kinda silly, but I really do. I know that about myself. So I figured I'd find someone and fall in love with him and we'd get married and it'd be probably be pretty soon and so I might as well wait. If I didn't think that, well, I don't know. But I really did think that.
Stupid, I guess.
And now...now after all that we've all been through and we're on our way to Zanarkand and we're probably all going to die, so, you just have to rethink things, you know? Like, if I'm not ever even going to have a chance to fall in love for real and get married and have kids or even to grow up, well, can't I at least have some fun before I go? I'm young, you know? I'm supposed to be stupid. And now I just feel like there's all this pressure building up inside me and all of these urges and these frustrations and I just need a release, and if I don't get it soon I'm just gonna explode and scream and maybe even attack Yunie in the night cause she smells so nice and why did I blow all those chances with those blitzball players and those chocobo wranglers and some of those Crusaders were pretty hot!
And we still haven't run into any more machina! Poop!
Wakka smiles when I keep touching him during the day, just little touches on the arm or the chest, and maybe I slap him on the butt a couple of time and he laughs, but when I do it to Tidus he just kinda frowns and looks worried. Wet blanket. And Lulu kind of frowns at me too, but looks away when I lick my lips at her. Ha!
Anyway, maybe Tidus is worried about Yunie. Maybe I could talk to Yunie, talk her into sharing? She probably wouldn't mind, she's so nice and giving and all...
And I guess maybe, well, the three of us...
Hm, I think. Me and Yunie and Tidus. I glance over at her real quick. Huh. I guess Tidus might be used to that kind of thing if he was a star blitzball player and all. I try and picture it in my head. Hm. Pull out Yuna, replace with Wakka, now you have something. Oops. Damn hand rubbing my shorts again.
It's a nice day up here on the mountain. Well, it's kinda cold, and my nipples are totally poking up through my tee and even my bra, and I joke about it to the guys about how hard they are, and they probably already count as piercing weapons, and I could maybe put poisonstrike or something on them and use then to fight fiends, and they kinda laugh, and I can't really lean over the way Lulu does, but instead I arch my back and give them all a good view. I think about flashing them. Maybe later, when the girls aren't around? You know, I still have my camera. Maybe I could give them all topless photos of myself and see who bites? Too subtle? I don't have time to be subtle.
And then while we were healing up after one fight towards the end of the day, Tidus came over and asked quietly if we could talk and I said Sure, so the two of us said we'd just scout around a little and went on ahead sort of up around the bend, walking next to each other, kinda close.
You know, fighting the fiends, even if they only let me steal, still—I'm sweating, and they're all sweating, even in the cold, and I can smell them with all their tight young muscles, and we're all on the edge of life and death, one slip and you're gone...it kinda got me hot thinking about it.
Hm. Tidus.
"Hey Rikku," he said when we were away from the others, and we slowed to a stop. "I just wanted to tell you, you know, that I'm your friend if you need a friend..."
Good looking, I thought. Nice hair. Great body.
"And well, I know you get scared sometimes, and well, if you need someone to just hold you, well, I'm right here, okay?"
I cocked my head to one side. His eyes are a really deep shade of—I saw a flash of red from the corner of my eye.
"And I...Wha?"
I jumped in close and my LIPS were on HIS and suddenly my shirt was off and my hands were all over his bare chest sliding his little yellow hoodie down his arms!
"Mmghphh! Mghrikku! Hey!"
He's trying to pull away! Why is he trying to pull away? Stop fighting! I know he wants this as much as I do! My hands are tugging at his waist now and I'm grinding my belly into his and kissing his whole face!
"RIKKU! Stop it!" he yells and shoves me away from him and I turn and where is he? Where is he!
He's...gone...
He left...
"Rikku! What he hell!"
"Huh?" He left. He just left. I turn around and Tidus is staring at me like I have two heads. Tidus...?
And it's like a fog is suddenly lifted from my head and all my bright, fake little horny happiness just shatters into a million pieces and falls to the ground, and just...
"Rikku...?"
I cross my arms over my chest and look away.
I'm not embarrassed. I'm not...anything.
"I'm sorry, Tidus," I say, and sink down to sit on the snowy ground, and try to understand what I'm feeling now. Or not feeling.
"It's okay..." he said, and he picks up something and hands it to me. My shirt. It's cold and wet, but I put it on anyway.
It doesn't hurt anymore, inside me.
I mean, really this time, not like when I was fooling myself before. I don't feel the pain.
Where did it all go? I don't feel anything. It's like...it's like a wall has just gone up somewhere inside me and I'm on one side and...and everything else...is on the other.
I don't know...I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say. I never felt like this. So I close my eyes and it's like I take a little tour and walk around inside Rikku and look at where it all used to be, and it's just not there anymore. And I think, Here's the place where all the anger used to be, and over there is where the fear was, and the pain was in that corner. And it's all empty space now, and vast and echoing. And then I get to the wall inside me. It's tall and strong and I can almost see all of it there on the other side, all of the pain and fear and whatever that used to be here, and I put out my hand and I almost touch the wall, but in the end I don't, and my hand drops to my side and I turn and don't look at it anymore. I slowly look around inside Rikku.
There aren't any colors inside me anymore, no hot angry reds, or cool, interesting blues, or bright, fun yellows, or shady, mysterious greens. I'm all grey now, inside. I even wonder if my eyes are grey.
And I just feel...empty.
"Rikku?" Tidus said with worry in his voice. My eyes open and he crouches down next to me and reaches out a hand.
"It's all right, Tidus, I told him. "I don't need to be held."
I don't need anything.
He looked at me and I looked back.
"I do..." he said softly.
"Ha..." a little laugh hiccough slipped out and I looked at him.
"Hey, you think you're the only one that needs to be held sometimes? Please, Rikku? I'm scared too, y'know?"
So he sat down next to me in the cold snow and I put my arms around him and held him. And maybe...maybe it made me feel a little better. Or at least...a little less alone.
"You have friends, Rikku," he said.
Yeah.
"Tidus," I said after a minute.
"Yeah?"
"Who was Willa?"
"Is that what this is all about?" he asked softly.
I didn't say anything.
"Maybe you should ask Auron," he said.
"Please, Tidus."
"What do you know?" he asked quietly.
"Just that he knew her, and cared about her," I said.
After a minute he said, "She was...she was a girl. In Zanarkand. Not much older than you or me. They lived together for a while. About a year. She...really loved him."
"They were in love?"
"She loved him. And I think...I think he wanted to love her back, but..."
"Tidus?"
"But I don't think he ever did. Not really."
Neither of us said anything for a while.
Then I said, "Thank you, Tidus," and kissed him on the cheek. I didn't feel much. That wall was there and everything was behind it, but...I did feel less alone.
I have friends.
"Tidus?" I said after a while.
"Yeah?"
"Did he tell you to do this?"
"Yeah," he said. "But he shouldn't have had to."
Auron:
Be happy, Auron.
I remember once when my fondest hope was that if Yuna chose to die, then perhaps...Rikku and Tidus. I wanted that. And perhaps now it will happen. There is a chance.
Rikku and Tidus.
Why the hell did I ever want that?
Rikku's Diary:
I felt...
Empty.
That's all I felt that night, lying in the tent next to Yuna and Lulu. That's all I've felt all day, ever since I kissed Tidus. Inside my head or my heart or whatever, I walk up to the wall. I can feel them there on the other side, all the feelings. I put out one finger and prod the wall, but it's all solid. I don't think I could get through if I wanted. And I don't want to. Pain is on the other side, more heart-pain than I thought I could ever feel. Fear, too. I know the fear of Zanarkand and fear of dying and fear of losing Yunie is on the other side of that wall, too.
So I guess I don't really want to get through that wall. It's better to feel nothing. To feel empty, right? At least it doesn't hurt.
But I just...I mean, can't I feel something, anything, without bringing down that whole wall?
I lie in the tent while the hours pass. I know when it's time for the midwatch. I know he's...he's out of camp, out standing guard in the dark. And I remember when I would go out and talk to him about anything at all, just to be with him, and if I had a problem...
He was always...
And I'm just so...
I get up quietly, without waking Yuna or Lulu, and I go out to where the guys are sleeping rolled up in their blankets. I stand there a minute, shivering, and then I lie down and slip under the blankets and scoot next to him and my arms slip around him.
"Wha...? Huh?"
"Shh..." I whisper. "Please...hold me? I just need someone to hold me..."
"Rikku?" he says. His hand is on my hip. "What's...?"
I'm cold, and he's warm.
"It's okay," I say softly, "I just..."
And then my lips are on his and he jerks back.
"Rikku, no."
But my lips are chasing his and they catch him and then he's suddenly kissing me back long and hard and our tongues come out and play with each other and I feel...
Empty.
After a moment he breaks off the kiss, and I let him.
I lie back, away from him. I just...I just wanted to feel something. I just wanted something to fill up all the emptiness inside me.
"Feeling better?" he asks quietly.
Feeling empty.
And then I'm crying and shaking and he's holding me tight and rocking me, and I can pretend for a little while that they're his arms around me and I'm not a stupid little girl and that...and that he loves me...
Auron:
It...hurts.
I look up at the stars and I know that it hurts worse than it ever did seeing Willa walking down the street with whatever man had paid her for that night.
And I know that Tidus will never take advantage of her emotional distress, and neither will Wakka, but...
She will get better. She will think of me less and less, and then the day will come when she doesn't think of me at all. And then she will be able to move on. That's how it should be. Perhaps, perhaps she will end up with Tidus, or with Wakka. They are both fine young men, and I think either would try to make her happy.
I look up at the stars and they tell me what I already know.
This is the way that it must be.
Yuna will not let me leave, and now I wonder if it was ever anything more than my attempt to run away. But Rikku is young and strong, and her instincts are sound. She will stay away from me while we travel together, until Zanarkand, and then we will separate. If Yuna chooses to die then Rikku will probably return to her people. And if Yuna chooses life, then Rikku will stay with her while I leave to oversee the other aspects of The Plan. And every time that I rejoin them for a moment in their new journey, her pain will be a little less.
And when we are finally done, and the wounds of Spira have begun to heal, then I will leave this place and move on to the next phase of the war in heaven and then, by the lord I WILL END ALL OF THIS.
And she...
And she will find someone to give her young heart to.
And she will have the wedding and the children and the family that she has always wanted. There is something deep in her that needs these things, and she deserves to have them. That is the life that she deserves and I...will...be...happy...for her.
I look up at the stars, and they tell me that I am right.
I. Will. Be. Happy. For. Her.
Because...
I love Rikku.
Auron:
It...HURTS.
Rikku's Diary:
I was still empty when I woke up before dawn. I thanked him quietly and got up and went back to the tent and lay down to think about things some more. I cried in his arms, letting something out, and you would think that was good, but it just seemed to leave me feeling even more hollow than before.
I...well...
I know what I'm going to do now.
It was pretty quiet that morning, like it's been quiet the last few mornings. No one was saying much. No one seemed really angry at anyone else, but I guess they just didn't feel like talking. I suppose they noticed I wasn't singing or laughing anymore, but no one said anything. I didn't look at him, so I don't know if he was looking at me. But my guess would be no. We broke camp and moved out up the trail. I stayed in front. We fought some of the same old fiends, but Wakka ran all the battles. Sometimes Auron and I fought next to each other, and he even guarded me, but we never looked at each other.
Sometimes all the fog would clear and for just a moment I could see the Calm Lands, green in the distance. That's where I started to care about him for real, and we would hold each other and play stupid little games. I think, I think that if that wall wasn't there inside me holding all my feelings back behind it, that would really hurt, seeing the Calm Lands for a few seconds before the fog and the clouds cover them up again.
He called me a star.
I knew what I was going to do now.
-----Rikku's story----In the Deep----Bird York----
She took the camera, the little one that she used to pay off her bet with Wakka, and started away from camp.
"Rikku...?" Yuna said. She was worried.
"I just need some air," Rikku told her, with a bright, fake little smile. "I'm fine. Really."
She walked off into the cold, barren wilderness of rock and snow. She wished...
It's already so cold and empty inside me now, she thought, I wish the world at least had some color or warmth. She wished she could see the Calm Lands one more time, even from a distance. It was green there. She had been young and falling in love there and she had convinced herself that of course one day he'd love her back because that's how the stories go. She had been so happy there in the Calm Lands. So stupid and so happy.
But not on Mt Gagazet.
She got farther and farther from the camp. If she had looked more carefully she might have seen some of the delicate little flowers he showed her once, but she didn't look for them. She just walked. It took her a while to find what she needed. No trees on Mt Gagazet. Only ice and rock. And graves. Ice and rock and the graves of people like her. But she found a place where a small outcropping stuck out of the cliff overhead. That would do, she thought, and took the line from her pocket.
She began to twist it and tie it, without really thinking at all and she was almost surprised when it was ready. She held it in her hands looking at it a moment, then she put it aside and set to work building a sort of pyramid, a loose pile of stones and rocks to stand on so she could secure the line to the stone overhead.
When it was ready she took off her clothes.
It was cold.
Naked and shivering, she pulled her hair out of its ponytail and set up the camera, fiddling with it a bit. She wanted the angles to be right. There weren't going to be any cute, happy accidents this time. When she had it the way she wanted, she lifted one bare foot and carefully climbed up on top of the loose stack of rocks wind-milling her arms to keep her balance. They were wet and slippery and wobbled underneath her and it was tricky but she was a dancer and after a moment she stood steady on top of the pile. She took the thin cord and slipped it over her head. She pulled it snug around her throat, and then tried to stand up straight while she stared into the camera as it snapped the pictures, but she was kind of huddling against the cold, and shaking.
I...she...wasn't going to do it. I...she...just...
She just wanted him to see the pictures, and maybe to scare him. She just wanted him to know how much it hurt. After a moment the camera finished taking the pictures. Time to get down. Carefully, because you know, if she slipped... She felt the cold wind blowing across her naked body. It was stinging her eyes and she just stood there, blinking. She clenched her toes and knocked one little stone from the pile, and she could feel the rocks shift a little bit under her bare feet, before they settled again. She swallowed, feeling the narrow cord around her neck. It felt so real, in this world that had started to feel like a sad little dream to her. She was breathing faster and she could feel her rapid heartbeat under the thin line. She felt like she was standing on the edge of a tall, tall cliff. If...
You know, if she slipped, or if...if she...kicked...these stones away from under her feet, she'd...
Well, no, she wouldn't. All that would happen is she'd reach up and grab the rock outcropping and climb up. No problem.
But...but if her hands and feet were tied, maybe tied with heavy rocks, so she couldn't reach up...
She blinked and shook her head, her blond hair brushing her shoulders. What was she doing? What was she thinking? She took a deep, shuddering breath and pulled and yanked the line from around her neck and stepped down, and the pile of rocks dissolved under her feet and she fell, hitting her shoulder and scraping her arm. She lay there for a minute, and then she sat up slowly on the hard ground, pulled her knees to her chest, and hugged herself, shivering uncontrollably.
She thought of his arms around her. It just came into her head and she pushed it out and concentrated on how cold she was. After a while she got up and got dressed, and started walking back to camp. She almost forgot the camera. She left the cord dangling behind her in the cold wind.
Rikku's Diary:
I did it. I went off and found a place and I took the pictures. I have them now, in my pouch while I walk at the front of the party. He's walking in the back, like always.
It's not, like, a cry for attention or something.
It's not!
I just...I...just want him to know how much I hurt.
So we eat, we train, we fight fiends. Yuna prays at the graves of summoners and guardians. I take the pictures out and look at them several times that day. Maybe, I don't know, I was trying to feel something. But all I feel is dull and neutral.
I know what I'm going to do. I'll walk up to him, or drop back to walk beside him or something and I'll say, I took these for you Auron. And I'll hand him the pictures and walk away. My mouth is dry, and I lick my lips.
Now? Later?
I know they all start to notice when I slow, and start to fall back. I guess they think that...I don't know. Whatever. Most of them nod to me, and smile a little. Yuna looks worried. Lulu looks doubtful. And then they're all past me, and he's coming up behind me, and now he's walking beside me, and what do I feel?
Empty.
And I can tell there's something behind the wall, trying to get through, but I don't know what it is. All I feel is empty.
He doesn't say anything as we walk next to each other and neither do I, and I reach into my pouch and pull out the pictures. I took these for you Auron.
I open my mouth...
"I miss you, Rikku."
Auron:
Why did you say it Auron?
It is said now, and she is looking at you, and you look back at her and then you both turn away.
You notice something clutched tightly in her half-raised hand—papers—and you ask quietly, "What is that?"
And she looks at you for just a second, and barely mumbles, "...nothing important...trash..." and she crumples them in her hand and stuffs then back in her pouch and speeds her steps to rejoin the others.
Next: Grey Days