I thought that once I finished high school I would have more time... I have never been so wrong. *insert Hobbit meme here*
Yep it is true, I am waaaaaaay too busy. Plus, have a bit of a writer's block/depression/too much things that need to be finished.
Also, I am busy on writing a new fanfiction. I'll let you know once the first chapter is uploaded.
Enjoy!
I remember this night to be dark, darker than ever. The cold wind bursting against the windows as I sat at the dinner table, a glass of wine before me. I have no idea how many times I had refilled it, and I didn't care. I took the glass and drank all of it in one go. Then, on finding the wine bottle nearly empty, I poured the last bit in my glass and drank it as well. Then I stared at the knife that was in front of me. I looked at it for a long time before I took it in my hand, its weight heavier than expected. I examined it, the blade shining in the dim light of the candle. It wasn't that big. Surely I had held much larger knives in my life. As I led my finger brush over the sharp side, nothing happened. I smiled tiredly. Surely I had held much sharper knives. Yet this one was different… this one… it called to me, and I obeyed it. I had nothing to lose anymore. I raised the blade a little; held it just above my wrist, but I suddenly heard the crying of a baby. I looked up in shock… and felt like an eternity passed as I looked to where the sound was coming from, from inside the room that was closed from my view; the shut door. What had I been doing?! I looked back at the knife with a vulgar look. What had I been doing? Why had I been waiting for so long?
In one quick move the blade cut through the flesh of my wrist. I groaned, in pain first, and sprung from the kitchen chair I was sitting on, tears entered my eyes. Yet when I looked down I felt delight. Yes, I felt the tension leave my body with the blood. I was panting, but then made another cut. This time I did not feel pain, only relieve of stress. I smiled and closed my eyes and cut again and again, soon changing to the other arm. I cut and cut, feeling nothing anymore, until I collapsed under the pressure of exhaustion, just able to hear the blade clatter beside me to the ground.
...
Christine rubbed her eyes sleepily that morning. Her eyelids felt so heavy still that she turned around and hugged her pillow again. When she heard the crying of a baby though, she groaned, and waited for it to stop.
"Erik, please..." she murmured when it kept going on, and her hand darted out to touch him, but to her surprise she only felt the cold mattress."Erik?" She sat up slowly, still under influence of sleep, and looked around to find the room empty. She sighed as a headache came over her and then pushed away the sheets and got up, walking to the other bedroom. When she opened the door the crying was cut off almost immediately and Christine smiled, at least she could continue her sleep now. She nearly jumped when she suddenly heard the clattering of something behind her, followed by a loud thud. When her eyes fell on the open kitchen door, she felt her heart stop by what she saw. Erik lay on the ground, his body motionless. She rushed up to him and lifted his head from the ground a little to check on him. "Erik? Erik please, wake up." She slapped his cheeks gently, trying to get him to consciousness. His eyes fluttered open and she dared to breathe again. When he spoke she smelled the strong scent of wine. "Leave me alone..." He groaned and grasped his arms with a twist of pain.
"What have you been doing, sweetheart? What has happened?" She asked him sweetly, trying to remain calm, but panic was in her thoughts. He let go of his arms and held them in her sight. Her eyes widened as she looked upon the horror of his cuts. Her stomach flipped over and she had to restrain the urge to gag. "See this?! This is what I have been doing! I cut myself, yes. I cut myself! And why?! Because of you! You filthy…" He didn't finish his sentence, he couldn't. He loved her, he still did. Her eyes filled with tears by his words, his actions, and seeing him starting to weep made her heart break. "It hurts Christine! It hurts. What have you done to me?! I thought we were doing well…"
"Ssh, Erik. Ssh," She whispered as she moved a strain of his hair to the side with her fingers, tears falling from her eyes as she looked at his wrists again. She closed her eyes, not wanting, not daring to look at the horror he had created upon himself.
"Go away..." He whispered, his eyes closing. "Leave me… to die… that is, and has always been, my wish."
But instead she took him under the armpits and lifted him up in sitting position.
"What… are you doing?" he spoke slowly, his voice mumbling and his eyes closed. She looked at him to see the painful expression on his face and only then noticed he had hit his head badly, an ugly bruise forming just above his temple. She sight and tears began to form as she tried to repress her emotions. "Erik will you stay here? I need to get some things. I'll be back in a second."
He gave a snort and leaned back his head. "I have a headache."
But Christine didn't even listen anymore, she was only thinking on finding the right treatments for his wounds. As she stood in the hall she suddenly stopped in her tracks… Where had Erik put them again? He had told her once, hadn't he? Then why couldn't she remember. Of all the times, why couldn't she remember it right now? She checked the bathroom, the attic and also their bedroom, but without success. She heard Erik mimicking her: "I'll be back in a second." And the sarcasm in his voice made her feel furious. As she entered Rose's bedroom she was surprised to found what she was looking for. In the first drawer of the desk was eveything she needed. Without thinking anything more about it, she took what she needed and hurried back to her husband, finding him in the same position as she had left him. "And I had just started to think that you had left me." He said in an excited tone, and she gave him an angry look, but it softened when she saw his pale face. "Be a dear and just close that big mouth will you?"
"Oooeeh, somebody is annoyed here." He teased.
Christine sighed but ignored him. She took his hand in hers and rolled up the filthy sleeves. As she looked at his arms she felt her stomach flip once again. She remembered dancers at the Opera hurting themselves, but never had it been like this. "Yeah, it looks pretty bad." Erik stated for her in a dry tone and she was reminded of what she was doing. She took the wet cloth and carefully traced his arm with it. Erik arched from the table base he was leaning against with a muffled groan. Though Christine felt sorry at seeing the sight she also thought he deserved it for his stupid remarks.
She was lost in her thoughts as she was helping him. She knew he was destructive when she met him. She had seen it when she was with him at the apartment. But she thought that was all past now. His life had bettered. They had a child, he worked, and she…. What did she do?
Christine shrugged the thought that occurred in her head off of her.
"Why are you helping me?"
She had felt his eyes burning through her soul as she had been busy and looked up to face him, his tired eyes gave away the emotion of anger and she knew that if she answered him he would only mock her. And he has all rights to.
She decided to ignore him and started on bandaging his arms.
"Hold still!" She demanded, when he tried to get away from her. "Shouldn't you be sitting depressed in your chair?"He called at ther then. " Like you did the past weeks?"
Christine closed her eyes in pain at those words. "Erik, please, don't bring this up now."
"Then when should I bring this up, huh?!" He angrily snapped his arms from her hands, trying to stand up.
"Hush dear, you are drunk. Why don't you go to bed and have some sleep?"
"Have you even seen what damage you have caused?! Do you think I enjoy this?!"
He collapsed on the chair and buried his head in his hands. In the killing silence she heard his soft weeping. "Erik..." She started, and placed her hand on his shoulder to comfort him, but he shrugged it off. "Leave me alone Christine. I am better off without you. You know what; I am taking Rose with me right now and raise her on my own. It will be much easier."
Then he stood and walked away. "Erik, are you serious?! You can't just say that!" Christine ran after him, just in time to catch most of his body as it dropped to the ground heavily. She groaned by the weight that suddenly collapsed in her arms and turned him over to his back, her hands following the curves of his pale cheekbones as she studied him. She felt tears well up in his eyes as she thought back of his words. She kissed his forehead and dragged him back to their bed, putting a new shirt on him before crawling under the sheets against him and crying herself to sleep. All the emotions of the past weeks suddenly coming out.
...
When she woke up she found herself in a position she had missed for a long time; close to the man she loved most. She studied him, his eyes still closed and his breathing slow and even. She resisted the urge to wake him, she knew he needed more rest and feared the fight she would have with him. She didn't want to see him leave. The young woman sighed and placed her head on his chest once again. She studied his bandaged arms, a little blood stain started to come through the white. She kissed his fingers and held his hand tightly in hers as she thought back of the things he had said to her. Oh God, what had she been doing the past weeks? And the baby! She shot up, and pulled the sheets away; tucking her husband in before she went to Rose. "Rose... are you here?" What a stupid question to ask. When she looked into the cradle she saw her daughter, to her surprise she was awake too. Visible pain cut through her heart when she saw Rose was not making eye contact with her. "You must speak to her."
She almost jumped at hearing the baritone voice behind her. To her surprise Rose turned her head to his voice. She looked at the doorway to see Erik leaning unto it, panting a little. A gasp escaped her mouth and she walked up to him, her hand checking his temperature and then cupped his cheek. "Oh Erik..."
She hugged him tightly then, feeling him tense but ignoring it. She didn't want to let go of him. "I love you, Erik. I am so sorry." She cried as tears streamed from her eyes.
Erik closed his arms around her as well, burying his head in her hair and taking in that trusted scent. He needed to hide his tears.
"Christine, you are better again." He whispered and kissed her cheek before breaking away from her reluctantly. He looked into her teary eyes to see worry in them.
"Christine, what has been wrong with you?"
"I don't know Erik. I… I have not been myself."
She let her fingers run over his deformity and then kissed him lightly. "How are you feeling?"
"Exhausted."
"Why did you do this to yourself?" She whispered softly to him, tears falling from her cheeks again as the sight of his horror flashed before her eyes again.
"I had to."
"But why?!"
He broke away from her, "Because of you. Because of the exhaustion, the depression. You have no idea what you put me through Christine…"
He sighed and felt the world spin around him. With careful steps he moved to the living room, sitting at the piano, hearing Christine follow him. He pressed a chord and felt the sound sooth him.
"I don't want to go on like this, Christine. I can't go on any longer."
He looked directly into her eyes then. "I need you."
At hearing those words she threw herself into his arms, sobbing again and telling over and over again how sorry she was. He gave her the comfort she was looking for and held her safe in his arms.
"Christine please, stop this. Stop all this and be a good mother to Rose. She needs you, I need you."
"I am trying to Erik; I am trying all I can."
"No you are not! If I can do it then why can't you?!" She was startled by his sudden outburst.
"Erik, it's just very hard to me that Rose is blind."
He groaned, she had been saying that for weeks now.
"So? She is my child as well. Do you see me making a big fuss about it?!"
"No, but you are you used to people that are different." she whispered, and glanced over to his deformity. That gesture didn't go unnoticed and his eyes widened by that remark. He felt is jaw drop and stood up and walked over to the windows to prevent him from hurting her, or himself. His hands clenched into fists.
"What has that to do with this?!" He asked, and turned around to look at her. He wanted to see her face as she answered that question.
"You once had to accept the way you look..."
Out of rage he walked up to her again and grasped her shoulders tightly, his hands squeezed them in what had to be a painful manner.
"Christine, have you gone mad? My deformity cannot be compared to a blind child! Besides, you have accepted the way I look, why not accepting Rose as well?"
She was silent in his iron grasp and looked to the ground in guilt. "Christine, why not?" Erik whispered and shook her firmly till she suddenly started to sob. He let her go then, suddenly aware that he was hurting her but then she clung to him tightly. Erik closed his arms around his Angel and let her cry, rocking her gently. "Hush, dear, I'm sorry." He said softly, but she shook her head. "Don't be. It's not your fault." she cried between sobs. "I know I am a horrible mother."
"Hush, Christine. You need to tell me why you are ignoring Rose, then I can help you."
"I am not ignoring her, Erik. Please, don't think that." She cried against his chest.
"Then what are you doing? It looks as if you are rejecting her."
She held him even tighter, as if afraid he may let go of her.
"I don't know what it is, Erik."
"Do you feel repulsed of her?"
He heard her gasp and she looked at him, her hand placed on his cheek and her face close to his. "Of course I am not, Erik. I am not repulsed of her. Not even if she looked worse than you."
"Are you ashamed of her then?" Erik asked, looking deeply into her eyes, feeling her hand glide down to his neck as she looked away from him and sighed. "No, Erik, it's not that either. Everything is just so new to me... and the news came as such a shock."
"I understand, dear, but that has been more than six weeks ago. You should have overcome the news by now."
She buried her head his chest again and wept softly.
"I know," she moaned against his shirt, "and I feel ashamed that I have been like this. I just don't know how to care for a baby."
In the silence the man heard her soft sobs and he caressed her hair soothingly. He then took her hand from his chest and kissed it.
"Christine, I didn't know either, but if you had asked for help Antoinette would have taught you everything."
"I'm sorry." She said softly, her head down. He tilted it up till her eyes met his again, but then was interrupted by a terrible headache and he moaned as he broke away from her.
"Erik sit down, you have hit your head."
Her hands made him stay put on the couch and she disappeared for a short while to get him water and a cold cloth.
"I'm not feeling well…" He spoke when she returned and she put the glass of water in his hands and carefully placed the cloth over the bruise on his head.
"You don't look well either." Christine said and kissed his cheek. "Go back to bed, have some sleep, I'm sure it'll help." She grasped his hand in hers and kissed him on his lips then, more passionately than she had aimed for, and she liked it. She deepened the kiss, soon starting to kiss his neck as her hands darted out to touch his chest. Out of a sudden she felt desire for him; felt she wanted to show him she was sorry. She heard his soft moan and smiled, continuing her ministrations until he stopped her. "Christine, please, I am really not feeling well. Will you come with me to bed; I don't want to be alone… not anymore…"
She looked at him and he gave her one last kiss before rising from the couch and walking back to bed, holding her hand tightly. Yet when he pushed open the door, he heard Rose started crying again. Erik turned around and gave a nod to Christine to indicate she should follow him. He walked the last meters to the cradle and lifted Rose out of it and into the safety of his arms. He kissed and laughed softly when feeling her hands touched his face. "Let's go back to bed shall we sweetheart? It's way too cold to stay in here like this." He spoke, more to the baby than to Christine. He carried Rose with him to his bed. He noticed Christine standing on the threshold uncomfortably, her hands fumbling with one another behind her back. Erik took notice and stretched his hand out to her. "Come on, dear. She won't bite. Well, usually she doesn't." He grinned, and tickled the baby's belly. Christine lay down beside him, examining the two. Erik placed the girl on his stomach and cooed at her playfully, seeing Rose lift her head up in curiosity.
"Yes Rose, It's me, and do you know who else is with me?"
He leaned a little closer. "It's your mother. Can you hear her? Oh, I'm sure you can."
He smiled when Rose her hand made contact with his mouth and kissed her little fingers. Christine watched them, enjoying to see the life in his eyes as he played with his girl.
"Erik, doesn't it bother you she's not fixating on you?"
"Not at all. In fact, little Rose here is the only one who is not staring at me the entire time, right Rose?"
He laughed and nuzzled her close to him but then looked serious at Christine. "Here, you take her. Then you can experience for yourself."
"Uhm, o- okay…"
He carefully handed Rose over to Christine and watched both of them closely. "Hello Rose. How are you? I haven't seen you in a while." She kissed the baby's forehead and then held her close to her heart, noticing Rose was staring up at her with her big blue eyes. Erik sat up when he saw the tears run down his Angel's face out of a sudden. "Hey, Christine are you alright?"
He placed a hand on her cheek to make her look at him. "What's the matter? Why are you crying?"
"Oh Erik, seeing her makes me so angry at myself."
He hugged her carefully when she said that. "You shouldn't sweetheart. Just be happy that you are with her now." Christine sighed, and then gave her husband a kiss in his neck. "Thank you Erik, for being so patient with me."
"Hey, you are still like the little girl I used to teach. If I hadn't been patient you would have been a star by the age of twelve."
Seeing his grin made her laugh and she kissed him on his lips, only to feel he did not break away when she wanted to, but instead got a passionate kiss. She laughed and shared his passion happily.
When he was a little satisfied at last he broke away and laughed at her, starting to kiss her neck sweetly. She giggled and turned her head to one side to give him better access, feeling he took the opportunity when she felt his hands around her. "Erik, not here, Rose is here." She said teasingly then, hearing his annoyed groan but felt he did let go of her.
"What are you going to today?" She asked him as she let her fingers brush through his hair. Rose safely in her arm. "I-wait what time is it? I had rehearsals today. Oh God I surely should have been there already." He said as he shot up and pulled the sheets away to allow him to get up. "On a Sunday?"
He stopped dead in his tracks and turned around to look at her. "Is it Sunday today?"
Christine saw he was clearly confused and got out of bed as well, placing Rose on the sheets safely and then walking up to her husband. "You should get back to bed and rest, Erik. You look exhausted."
"Because I am." He said as he was dragged back and put to bed. He pulled Rose to him in a safe manner and watched Christine lay down beside him again. He studied her for a long time then, only to see she was studying him as well. "Sleep Erik." She said with a soft smile and kissed his cheek.
"What about Rose?"
"Don't worry; I'll take care of her." Christine said and then started singing. He smiled at the knowing Rose would be actually save in her arms and gave a moan at hearing her sweet voice, soon sleeping deeply.
...
"Erik, I was wondering..." Christine started shyly, making him look up from his book, "if you wanted to try again." She gave her Angel a soft kiss that asked for more and he knew immediately what she meant. Erik felt his pulse quickened as he kissed her back, his hands tangled in the laces of her corset.
"Yes, Christine." He breathed softly and gently forced her on her back as he moved to be on top of her, a satisfying smile played on his face. "I want to, very much." Christine smiled and wrapped her arms around her husband's neck as he let his hands run over her body, pressing their bodies together and softly moving he moaned seductively in her ear. Erik had noticed how Christine had showed her affection for him for the past three days. He himself had also shown to be ready to try again. He had been since the last time they had made love, but he hadn't wanted to push. And then she fell in depression. But the past few days had been full of kissing, touching, and ravishing each other, their passion fully blooming up again. And tonight she would be his again!
Even the feeling of her body through their clothes aroused him incredibly and he undressed her as fast as his hands let him so he could feel her skin under his bare hands again. He gave a groan at that delightful feeling as his hands ran down her back. He feasted on the soft skin as it was revealed to him, cradling her closer. He moaned in her neck as he was exploring her body once again. "I have missed you Christine..." He purred, his hands sliding from her waist up to her breasts. Christine moaned his name softly in his ear and her heavy breaths mixed with his when he pressed his lips against hers again in a passionate kiss. Erik shifted a little to be closer to her and felt her hands started to unbutton his trousers. Only the thought of what they were going to do made a fire start in his stomach and he couldn't contain his body anymore, nor did he want to. As he felt her shove his trousers and undergarments down past his hips he kissed her breasts and pulled her flush to him again. He heard her irritated sigh and felt how an unknown strength forced them to sit up. When she had thrown all of his clothes over the edge of the bed she knocked the two of them down with a hot kiss, her hands tangled in his hair, his own ran down the sides of her body and he looked into her eyes as he broke away from her reluctantly.
"Christine are you sure we can do this now already?"
She smiled happily at him and wiped a lock of hair from his face. "Yes, Erik. I'm sure."
"But am I not going to hurt you?"
She chuckled and kissed his cheek. "Have you ever hurt me?"
"You have never said so."
"Mmmmhh" And she kissed him in his neck. Her dreamy hum filled him with doubts and he looked at her. "I am serious."
She chuckled and pressed her forehead against his, her hand coming to rest on his shoulder.
"Don't over think so much dear," She whispered and then kissed him. "I would tell you if you were hurting me. So now..." She stirred so they were touching in the most intimate way possible, "let's make love."