The page returned fifteen or twenty minutes later, announcing the arrival of Lilith and Loki. Odin nodded to admit them inside, wondering how this audience would end. Though Lilith had been less hostile than usual after the concert, her mood was likely not so congenial after the incident with Lord Othar. Even worse, he knew that she would not be happy to discuss her gates in general. Their last discussion on the matter had gone far from well, and that had been weeks ago. If one could have called it a discussion, anyway.
Addressing the subject was no longer optional, for either of them. Odin had to know what she was capable of and what it meant for Asgard. With the threat from Loki's direction taken care of, he'd hoped they could explore how Lilith might be convinced to use her talents in the service of the public good. As they'd just witnessed, though, that service might come at a cost. How high would it be- and would he think it worth it? As the page ushered Lilith and Loki into the room, Odin held onto his determination to find out.
They look well together, he thought as the pair approached, momentarily distracted from the serious matter that had brought them all here at this hour. Despite the upset with Othar, the night was at least some success to see them together. Not to mention, Frigga had told him what she'd witnessed in the conservatory prior to the concert. From her account, perhaps Loki was close to revealing the truth to her at last. I just hope when he finally does, Lilith will choose to stand with him as she is now.
"You sent for me, Allfather," Lilith's voice broke into his musings. "I'm guessing it's important or you would have waited for morning. Shall I guess it concerns my gates- specifically the one I opened this evening?"
She certainly preferred the direct approach, not wasting any time on pleasantries. Just as well, since the hour was already late. Odin gestured to the empty chairs opposite him.
"Please, have a seat."
Lilith shrugged indifferently and sank into one of the chairs, while Loki ensconced himself in the other. Neither said a word, staring at him expectantly. The message was very clear; they had come as summoned, but had no intention to offer any help. Odin would have to speak first, and so he chose to be just as blunt as she had been.
"It has come time to understand the nature of your talent, Lilith," he began. "The incident with Lord Othar demonstrated quite clearly how unprepared we are to deal with your gates. Or the realms they lead to."
Her eyes darted to Loki and then back again. A knowing smile hovered on her lips and she rested both hands on the armrests of her chair with an air of sardonic amusement.
"And by 'we', you mean the two of you."
"Lilith…" Loki cautioned.
"Fiiiine," she drew out with an aggravated sigh. "I'll strive to be a little more agreeable in the hopes that will get this over with all the more quickly."
The god shook his head, obviously not convinced. But before he could offer his opinion, Odin drove the conversation forward. If the two of them started arguing, he'd never find out anything about the gates. Best keep everyone focused.
"Have no fear, Lilith. As Thor has already provided some insight into how you summon the portals, that should save some time. In any case, what I need to know is a little different."
"And what, pray tell, do you need to know?"
He started with something simple and less likely to offend her. They would get to that soon enough; might as well get some information while she was still willing to talk to him.
"Shall we start with the realms? How many are there?"
"Aside from Micharea and Urackbeld…I honestly don't know. I only recently learned that they existed at all, so there hasn't been time to check for any others."
"Thor mentioned Micharea. And as for Urackbeld- is that the one we saw tonight?"
"It was."
"But there could be more? I know you're only rediscovering this territory, but could you hazard a guess to the number?"
Alarm flashed in Loki's eyes at the mention of 'rediscovery'; Lilith seemed merely puzzled, eyebrows drawn together as she considered his question. When she didn't immediately demand to know what he meant, the God of Mischief relaxed, though the sharp look he gave Odin told him that Loki was far from pleased about the close call. As expected, but Odin said it, anyway. Maybe a little push would encourage him to clear the last of his secrets where she was concerned. Lilith didn't seem to notice the undercurrents, however, and ventured an answer at last.
"A dozen. Perhaps more, but I would say the chance is very high that at least a dozen realms lie yet uncontacted."
Far more than he would have thought. And judging by Loki's reaction, more than he'd thought as well. Interesting. Odin pressed on with his next question, hoping that Lilith would allay his apprehension about these new realms.
"And of those, how many might be similar to Urackbeld?"
"Meaning?"
"Forgive me, but from what little I have heard so far, it is home to the worst nightmares imaginable. A realm teeming with violence and utmost cruelty."
"What you've heard is true."
"My point in asking, then, is to find out if it is the only realm of that nature- or could there be others?"
"Each may have its share of perils- and villains- but the good generally outweighs the bad," she answered quietly. "Urackbeld is…not like that. It is alone in that aspect."
He was relieved to hear that he need only worry about one realm. One was more than he wanted in the first place, but it could be managed. Hopefully. They'd get back to it later, but for now…
"Out of curiosity- how large are the realms compared to Asgard?"
"It depends. Some are smaller- maybe a few cities stretched over fifty or sixty square miles."
"But others?"
"Larger."
"How much?"
She was silent, hands folded in her lap, but Lilith didn't look away. Odin knew the answer just from her expression. By quite a bit, it would seem. He asked a question to see if it was worse yet.
"Compared to Midgard? Do any come close to its size?"
A flicker in the depths of her eyes before her lashes swept down to confirm what he hadn't wanted to hear. Lilith cleared her throat and looked up again.
"A few might be larger. Three of them at least. The rest fall somewhere between the ends of the spectrum."
"What about Urackbeld? Where does it fall, specifically?"
"I haven't been there to know for sure. To find out, I would have to open the portal again and step through…"
"NO!" Loki protested loudly. "Lilith, absolutely not. You can't put yourself at risk that way." He turned to Odin. "She can't go there."
He had no intention of making Lilith do any such thing. But at the look on the lady's face, Odin wondered if she might have her own reasons for wanting to see that realm. Not an easy thought on his part, and one he didn't intend to voice aloud. Loki was agitated enough already.
"That won't be necessary," he assured them instead. "But I do have more questions concerning that realm."
"Which are?"
"It has been brought to my attention that your nightmares open a portal to Urackbeld while you sleep- without your consent. Not only that, but also that you struggle to close the link between the realms once it is open."
At first, Lilith had paled when he referred to her nightmares, obviously mortified to be having them discussed so openly. If it hadn't been necessary, he wouldn't have brought up the subject. But her embarrassment didn't last long, quickly replaced by a closed expression as he mentioned the part about closing the portals. Odin suspected that her 'agreeable' mood was about to expire. As for Loki, he looked decidedly uncomfortable, gaze dropping to the floor.
"I won't ask how you received that information," Lilith muttered through clenched teeth. She cast a meaningful eye to Loki, who still kept his trained on the ground, and added, "Because I know I won't like the answer. So I'll skip right to the point, Odin. What is your aim in asking about this?"
"Your gates have always been a concern when it comes to the safety of Asgard. Urackbeld is a credible threat, and what I want to know is whether I can trust that you have it under control."
Almost immediately, he could see that he'd chosen the wrong approach, but it was too late to correct that mistake.
"I see. You think it isn't, then. Let's just forget that I'm the one who can't get more than an hour's sleep. What concerns you is that somehow my personal Hel might one day endanger Asgard. That's what's important."
It was and wasn't. Odin had a duty to Asgard, and was beholden to keep it safe. That didn't mean he wasn't worried for Lilith, too, or that he didn't care that she was suffering. It was just that in his pursuit of the good of the realm, he often neglected expressing that to her. Tonight was no different, it seemed. He attempted to make amends before Lilith's anger grew any worse.
"I didn't say that."
"Didn't you?" she asked, voice laced with venomous sarcasm. His appeal had come too late, as usual. "You think I want that realm invading my dreams every night? And I wouldn't be so quick to blame me for creating it in the first place, either. I wasn't the one who supplied the inspiration for the horrors in that realm. Look to yourself for that."
Her words were truer than he wanted to accept, but Lilith was right. If he hadn't given her to Danethar, that realm likely never would have existed. Odin wouldn't- couldn't- apologize for having done it, though. Nor would he have chosen differently if he could go back to that moment. Urackbeld…Lilith's hatred of him…both of those things were worth it for Loki's redemption. One day, he hoped she would agree. But for now…
"I am not ascribing blame, Lilith. I am only trying to keep secure the lives of everyone living in Asgard." He did not want to say what came next, knowing that it would only sow further discord. But based on what he'd heard, Odin had no choice. Reluctantly, he continued, "And after tonight, I am concerned that the barrier against Urackbeld is not as well fortified as it needs to be. At least not if you are left to your own devices in the city- or beyond."
Lilith had been geared for a different argument, and was caught unprepared by his change of direction. She shook her head in confusion, asking incredulously, "Wait…what are you saying?"
"I'm afraid I have no choice. Until I am satisfied that you have control over the gate to that realm, you are confined to the palace."
Stunned, I couldn't think of anything to say at first. Confined to the palace. Did that include the grounds outside, or would I be forced to let my garden go to ruin after I'd worked so hard on it? The Allfather hadn't been clear on that, but his message about my talent certainly was. He saw them as a threat and nothing else- just as I'd always feared from the day I'd discovered the gates were real.
So much for your hope that he'd think they were useful or valuable. Even though I'd raged against all of them that they'd wanted only to use me, what I'd secretly wanted was to be invited to help Asgard. I wanted them to prove to me that I had always been important, but now the gates would give me a purpose, too. Not to be. I may have gotten some of that to come true, but the gates…Odin doesn't even want them. From the way he was interrogating me tonight, he would likely prefer I didn't have any talent at all.
Something about that last thought sent an odd prickle down my spine, and I was reminded of a few odd comments Odin made. By far the strangest was when he'd said I was rediscovering my talent. Not discovering- rediscovering. Why had he used that word instead? I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to that question. This wasn't the time for asking it, in any case. I needed to do whatever I could to get the Allfather to rescind his edict; Loki beat me to it.
"You're making her a prisoner just because dome drunken idiot got what he had coming to him!? That's hardly grounds for something so drastic."
"I don't disagree that Lord Othar's behavior was inappropriate or possibly criminal. What worries me is the reaction it elicited. I cannot allow Lilith to open gates to Urackbeld any time she feels threatened or uncomfortable."
I reluctantly forced myself to agree with that concern. Hadn't I been thinking the same thing in my suite? I'd even discussed that worry with Loki, though I doubted he recalled that at the moment. But even though I might agree with the Allfather's point, I didn't want to spend who knew how long within the palace walls. It could be months before I was sure I wouldn't call up a portal to Urackbeld if provoked as I had been this evening. Or even over something less serious.
I glanced sideways at Loki, who was practically livid. Despite how upset I was that he'd told Odin about my nightmares, I had no doubt that whatever his reasons, he hadn't intended for this to happen as a result. An idea came to me at last. Perhaps I could work out a compromise.
"It was just one time. Are you really making a case out of this over one time?"
If I can get a word in edgewise, I mused ruefully as he continued to argue with the Allfather.
"One time so far."
"In well over a month. And under extenuating circumstances."
"Exactly my point, my son. Tonight was the first time in a month we've held an event at the palace. Or attended one held elsewhere in the city. Our intention was to once again open the palace to similar events, but if Lilith were to find the attention uncomfortable as she did tonight…"
They continued to discuss me as if I weren't sitting right here. I looked at Frigga, who had been silent through most of this. She was likewise focused on me with a troubled expression. Since the other two were so absorbed in their argument, I risked rolling my eyes skyward to communicate my thoughts on how things had deteriorated. Frigga's wordless shrug expressed her concurring opinion just as clearly. But even if we both agreed that things had gotten out of hand, sitting here quietly wasn't going to fix it.
"If I might interject…" I stated loud enough to be heard. When they'd stopped talking, I continued, "I am not entirely in disagreement with the Allfather's point."
"But, Lilith-"
"However," I cut off Loki's protest. "I don't share the same opinion about how to deal with the potential for trouble."
"What would you propose, then?"
"An escort. If I leave the palace, I don't go alone."
I was presuming quite a bit in making that suggestion- given that by 'escort', I pretty much meant Loki would accompany me. Granted, I didn't venture out often, but it was still asking for one Hel of a favor. I just hoped my instincts were correct, and that he wouldn't mind. But of course, I had to convince the Allfather first, whose expression was quite grave as he considered the idea.
"Were you thinking to request one of the palace guards?"
"Um…not really. As well-trained as they are, this might be a bit beyond what they can handle."
"She meant me," Loki supplied, having already guessed the direction of my thoughts. He darted a quick look at me for confirmation. "Am I right?"
"That was the idea, yes. And perhaps Thor, too, though he tends to leave the palace before I'd see him most days. Besides, you're more familiar with dealing with Urackbeld."
The Allfather said nothing. I prodded him for his thoughts on my proposal, trying not to sound as nervous as I felt as I asked, "Would that satisfy your concerns?"
"While I do not deny that an escort would provide some security, I'm not entirely convinced that it is enough."
"Odin," Frigga spoke up. "I beg of you to reconsider. Wouldn't it be worthwhile to try Lilith's idea, and if it appears that she is having trouble, then limit her exposure in the city? Othar might have been a singular event."
"I'm afraid that I have made my decision, my Queen. For the time being, Lilith will remain at the palace. We will revisit the issue in the future if I am convinced the gateway to Urackbeld is secure."
I was grateful for Frigga's attempt on my behalf, however futile as it turned out to be. For Odin, I felt only growing frustration. Then my anger turned inward. If I'd just been able to control my temper earlier…none of this would have happened. But I'd let that prick's taunts get to me and now look at the mess I've gotten myself into.
"I take it that's the end of the discussion," I remarked with a cynical smile. "And if that's the case, you might as well dismiss me. I've nothing more to say to you."
"I have more questions yet about the gates that I want answered."
"And people in Hel want ice water," I cited glibly as I stood. "So if you'll excuse me, I shall follow your edict elsewhere. That freedom, at least, I still have left."
Odin wanted to order me to stay, but we both knew he couldn't. I wouldn't obey, and he couldn't enforce it unless he were willing to throw me in the dungeons. I'd long figured out that he couldn't do that, assuming he worried too much what Asgardians would say if it were discovered he did such a thing. Didn't matter, really. For my purposes, it meant that in times like this I held the upper hand.
At least in this moment. I suspected that disobeying his orders about leaving the palace might be enough to tip the balance back in his favor. I would not test him on it. For now. Although…it was tempting to use a gateway to cross into some other part of Asgard. Perhaps even to go to Micharea. The latter technically wouldn't break the edict, as I wouldn't be leaving the palace to roam Asgard.
I said nothing more to any of them and walked out, furious- the second time this evening that I'd left the room that way. But this time I had no desire to go to my suite. Where should I go instead, though? I had no idea, and let my feet carry me where they would. Eventually, I'd find myself wherever I meant to go.
This night has been nothing but one downward spiral since I left Lilith's side in the hall, Loki thought dismally. For the hundredth time, he wished he'd ignored the Allfather's signal to talk to him. Or Frigga's interruption before the concert even began. Any number of alternate decisions he could have made that could have avoided this outcome. Lilith…confined to the palace. He glowered at the Allfather in silent fury.
"You might as well say whatever it is on your mind," Odin sighed.
"It's better that I don't," Loki replied in clipped tones. "So I'll follow Lilith's example and just take my leave before I say something we'll all regret."
"It's for the…"
"Don't even finish that sentence," he interrupted warningly. "I'm in no mood to hear how you're only looking to protect Asgard- yet again at Lilith's expense, I might add. So spare me the platitudes."
With that, Loki rose from his seat and turned away from the Allfather. The hallway outside was empty. No sign of which direction Lilith may have taken. Would she go back to her suite? Hard to say, but the longer he stood here, the further away she'd get. So he picked a direction and hoped it was the right one.
For a solid hour, Loki searched the palace for signs of her without any luck. Lilith hadn't gone back to her room- nor was she in the library or anywhere else he could think to check. Where in the nine realms could she have gone? He didn't think she'd disobey the Allfather and leave the palace, but that was almost looking to be the only logical conclusion at this point. Loki almost considered paying a visit to the Watchman for help finding her. And then his steps carried him past a staircase leading to the observatory tower.
It's a long shot, he thought. As he stared at the steep spiraling tower, he added, not to mention a long walk. But I've tried everywhere else. If Lilith wasn't there, then he'd go to the Bifrost to pester Heimdall.
Upwards and ever higher he climbed. Loki couldn't recall the last time he'd been to the top, but he vowed it would be a long time before he did it again after this. At last, he turned the last corner to reach the top. The room opened up before him, sparsely furnished with a few benches and instruments. Arched windows opened out on all sides, giving panoramic views of the city and outlying countryside below. Lilith stood, back to him, at the one facing west.
Well, at least the climb wasn't for nothing.
"I'm rather impressed you found me," she observed quietly before he could say anything.
"It wasn't easy. Was that on purpose?"
"No. I just…ended up here. Dunno why."
He crossed the room and Lilith shifted to make space at the window. After a few minutes where they did nothing more than stare at the darkened landscape, Loki ventured a reply.
"If you were looking for the furthest place you could get while still remaining in the palace, this would be it. Not to mention it has the best view of Asgard."
"And given what Odin just said, it's the only way I'll see it for the foreseeable future," she muttered bitterly. "I'm beginning to think I enjoyed life more when I thought I had no talent. These gateways seem to cause me nothing but trouble."
He wasn't surprised that Lilith blamed herself, even if none of this was her fault. Just like she'd tried to do about Othar. Such a contradiction. In public, she had no problem pointing out Odin's culpability for everything; in private, Lilith would take it all on herself. Loki was sure it was the work of that mage. Even if the spells may have faded- and he wasn't convinced that they had yet- it would likely be years to undo the damage it had wrought. For now, he tried to convince her things weren't as grim as she thought.
"He'll relent in a few days- a week at the most."
"So sure are you?"
"Mother will be relentless in her case against the decision. And even if she isn't, I have no intention of letting the subject go. How long do you think Odin will suffer that before admitting defeat?"
"Not long, I imagine. At least given my experience." She looked askance at him. "Or I just find a way to bend the rules."
"I beg your pardon?"
"The Allfather is concerned about me wandering Asgard. Well, then maybe I find somewhere else to be. Liam and Lilith invited me to Micharea. I wouldn't need to leave the palace to take them up on the offer."
"Are you serious?"
"Why not?"
Loki couldn't believe he was about to say this, but the words left of their own volition. "Because running away isn't going to solve anything. It only makes things worse in the end."
"Says the man who's made a career out of doing just that," Lilith pointed out in a bemused tone.
"Look where it got me." Look where my running away got you. "So who better to give advice?"
"I suppose you're right. That's three times in one day- I'm falling behind."
"Didn't realize you were keeping score."
"As if you don't," Lilith countered with a laugh. Then her thoughts had turned down another path and she grew serious again. As she scored the masonry with her thumbnail, Lilith voiced that thought aloud. "All joking aside, though…before you came up here I was going over the audience with Odin in my mind. And I can't help noticing something strange about some of the things he said. I was wondering if you might have caught it, too."
I wouldn't use the word 'strange' to describe it, but yes, I think I know exactly what you might have noticed, he admitted silently; the answer he gave aloud wasn't quite so honest.
"I must not have."
"Oh. Well, I got the impression that he's always known that I've been able to create gates to other realms. I think it's true- and have suspected it for myself for a while, but the way he talked…he knew."
"What makes you say so," he asked in spite of the pit of dread that hardened in his throat.
"He didn't say that I was exploring a new talent, but rather that I was rediscovering one. As if I'd somehow lost it for a time. And then he used the word 'always' when he was harping on their danger to Asgard. Not a new danger- a long-standing one." She paused. Loki desperately hoped that Lilith would leave it at that. And then she pressed onward, almost talking to herself rather than to him. "But if he did know, why did he never tell me before? Did it have something to do with losing my parents- is that why I don't remember? So many questions and I don't have any of the answers."
The moment had come. Whether or not Lilith hated him when this was over, the question had finally been asked and it was time he answered it. If only he had any idea where to begin. The mage? Odin's reasons? The longer he stared into the night, the less certain he was. A hand on his arm brought him swiftly back to the present.
"Loki? Is something the matter?"
"I know the answers." The words came out barely above a whisper.
"I don't understand. The answers to…?"
"Everything. Why the Allfather has always known about your talent; the pieces of your past that you don't quite remember; why you don't remember. I know all of it."
Lilith turned away from the window so she could look directly at him. Loki couldn't do the same. Not yet. Maybe after he got started it would be easier. Starting off with the lies? Not a promising sign if you're here to tell the truth, he mocked himself disparagingly.
"And for some time now," she speculated after a moment of consideration. "The question is, then, how long? A few days? Weeks?"
"Since the day you returned to the palace," he finished quietly.
"So in the library- when I told you about that first flashback- you knew all this then then and didn't say anything." He might have tried to explain, but she kept going. "Not as concerned about that, though. Things were a little…weird…in those days. What I find more worrisome is that it's well over a month later and the subject is just now coming up. I would have thought after the second flashback, you would have told me then."
"I know-"
"And since you didn't, I can only conclude that I'm going to be angry when I do find out, and that keeping this a secret is protecting something or someone else from that anger."
You're more right than you know. But even she couldn't guess the whole of what they'd been keeping from her. What I've been keeping from her.
"Lilith…it's worse than that."
From this angle, he could still see the alarm on her face as the magnitude of his words ripened between them. Her hand dropped to her side and she took a half-step backwards.
"What…" she halted and began again. "What could be so terrible that it could be worse?"
Now Loki did summon the courage to face her. If he was going to tell Lilith the truth after all this time, he'd at least do it right. For her part, she looked pale with apprehension. He wished that what he was about to say would assuage those feelings; it would not. But he spoke anyway.
"Because you're right. You will be angry. Quite possibly more so than you've ever been with anyone in your life. And once I tell you why…nothing is going to be the same. Not for you." He hesitated before adding, "Or for me."
Lilith's eyes widened slightly at that last part, and she shook her head slowly- almost involuntarily. She knew. Not everything, but enough to know where they were headed by the time this was over. Loki couldn't suppress the forlorn smile that bloomed on his lips as she tried to prevent it from happening.
"Then…" she breathed. "Then why bring it up at all? Why change things now? Wouldn't…wouldn't it be better to just sort of…pretend you don't know and we just keep on as we are?"
"A few months ago, Lilith, I might have agreed. But now I can't. Not anymore. This is one lie I can't live with."
"I…I understand."
"So I ask you to do me a favor and just hear me out until I've finished with what I have to say. When it's done, well, we'll see if there's anywhere to go from there."
Lilith nodded wordlessly at him. Loki exhaled slowly and set out to give the most terrifying speech of his life. It began simply enough, telling her of the Allfather's knowledge of her gates when she was a child. But the story immediately turned down the complex and dark paths that brought them to this present. When he spoke of the mage and what was done to her memories…Lilith paled considerably. Telling her that next they'd taken her talent away from her had been even more difficult.
But as terrible as that had been, nothing compared to her reaction when Loki got to Danethar. He could see the question in her eyes- why? Why did she deserve for such awful things to happen to her? Lilith wanted to voice that question aloud, but kept her promise to keep silent. Just as well- he intended to finish what he started by answering it, anyway.
"I know how all that sounds, Lilith, and how much you must hate the Allfather for it. I wish I could let it end with that- let him take all the blame. But you were right, and it wasn't his secret I was keeping. Because everything he did to you was done for the sake of someone else." Lilith didn't move or blink. Time to end this. "Lilith, he did it for me. Odin altered the course of your life in the hopes it would change mine."
Ten minutes passed without a word from her. He almost wondered if she'd heard him. Of course she heard you. What did you expect her to say? Loki didn't know, but he'd expected some reaction. Lilith was so eerily still that she might have been a statue of marble instead of a living person. But he didn't dare reach for her or prod her to reply. He was in no hurry to hear how she would surely revile him, and he certainly didn't have the right to touch her after the things he'd just said.
"Why me?" she asked quietly. "Hundreds- thousands- of Asgardians in all the realm and he singled me out. Why?"
"Because out of the thousands, only one stood any chance at succeeding. Only you, Lilith."
Her hands were clenched so tightly that they shook. And although the room was dimly lit, he could see well enough to mark the tears that shimmered but refused to fall. His fault. The tears; the reasons for them in the first place. Loki knew it- and now so did she. Why couldn't Lilith have been angry? Against that gut-wrenching look…how could he hope to fix that? Loki sighed heavily.
"So that's everything." Almost everything, he added to himself. But until we get past this, there's little point in going any further. "I know I should have told you long ago. But I know how this ends, and didn't want to give up what has been the best part of my life by admitting that I caused the worst of yours."
When he'd said he had something to tell me, this was not at all what I'd envisioned. I thought the conversation about 'Ilsa' had exposed the last of the secret-keeping and games. Granted, he hadn't orchestrated this one, but that didn't make it any less difficult to hear. A lifetime of believing I was someone I wasn't. I'd been robbed of my family- not just in their deaths, but wholly and completely. All I had now were snatches of forgotten memories. Would I ever get the rest of them back?
And the gates. I'd endured so much ridicule during the course of my childhood at the palace once my talent had been stripped away. Maybe if I'd had it all this time, I would be more equipped to deal with Urackbeld and the nightmares. They were the worst of all, though, weren't they? The Allfather knew what he was sending me to when he gave me to Danethar. All of it...done on purpose.
For Loki, the words repeated inside my head. To give him the chance to be the man he is now. No small accomplishment, but I resented on some level that I hadn't been given the choice whether or not I wanted to do it. The Allfather had made his decision and I had to live with it. No explanations; no say in the matter at all. If I'd at least understood the why, perhaps it would have made the rest more bearable.
While potentially ruining any chance that the Allfather's plan could work. I couldn't know either way, but what if he couldn't tell me? Would I have become the same person if I'd known the reasons I suffered so much, or would I have become someone else? Someone who might not have made the right impact at the right time when Loki needed it. Who might he have become instead- if he would have changed at all?
None of those questions sat easy on my mind. Or my heart, for that matter. While the Allfather's intentions may have been for the greater good, I couldn't quite reconcile my feelings about the violent and wretched means by which it had been brought about. To reshape Loki's character, I'd lost pieces of myself- some of them I couldn't get back. And now that I knew the truth, could I see past it? Or would those losses and bitter memories forever haunt me every time I was with him? I honestly didn't know.
Loki was very certain that it would be the latter. I'd heard the defeat in his voice; he thought it was over- that I would want nothing more to do with him. Angrier than I'd ever been with anyone in my life, he'd said, so I imagined he thought I would hate him forever for this. Not an unreasonable assumption to make from his point of view, but wrong none-the-less. Of the cacophony of feelings jumbled around inside me, hatred was not among them. Many emotions- grief one of the most prominent- but not hatred. On the other hand, he was right in thinking that things had changed. I just wasn't sure how yet.
Time…I need time to think about this. Alone.
That desire must have been obvious. Loki attempted to smile, but I saw only the sadness behind it. To see him so upset only added to the emotional turmoil that threatened to tear me apart. No help for it. At least not until I'd sorted myself out first.
"Unless I'm mistaken, I think you want me to go."
I don't want you to, but I need you to. When I was sure I was steady enough to reply, I answered him in a subdued voice, "I need to think, and it's best if I do that alone."
"I understand." He hesitated before adding, "I wish it didn't have to end this way."
With that, Loki sketched a slight bow and backed away from the window. I could tell he struggled against the impulse to reach for my hand, as he'd done dozens of times over the past few weeks. We stared at one another for several minutes before he finally turned away and descended the stairs of the tower. I didn't break my gaze on his retreating back. Part of me wanted desperately to call him back and assure him none of what he'd said changed how I felt about him; the rest knew it would have been a lie, and I couldn't bear the look he would give me for telling it.
This is for the best- for both of us. If I can salvage anything of our relationship after tonight, I don't want it to be tainted by doubts that I am not sincere.
The best or not, it still hurt. I waited until I could no longer hear footsteps on stone before collapsing on a hard wooden bench, weeping out of regret, loss and anger into my cupped hands. I cried for so long that I lost track of the hour, until eventually I had nothing left. The hurt remained, but I had been emptied of tears- hollowed out and exhausted. Straightening with an outward sigh, I glanced wearily around the bare room and shivered in the cold night air.
When I moved to stand, my hand sank into the folds of what felt like a rumpled blanket. Slightly warm, too, by the feel of it. Which was odd, because I didn't recall seeing one there when I sat down. Puzzled, I picked up the mysterious article and held it before me. Only then did I make out what it was. The tears I thought I'd already spent stung the corners of my eyes, threatening to fall once more.
Loki's jacket. He must have left it on purpose so that I could wear it back to my suite. My brows furrowed, recalling that he'd been wearing it when he left. So how…
He must have come back.
I hadn't heard him of course. Touched by the gesture, my lips curved into a tiny smile, though it wobbled a bit. I was still too emotionally battered for anything genuine. As I slipped into the jacket and drew it closed in front, my fingers curled around the edge of the cuffs. Somehow, wearing it helped me rebalance- a reminder of the good I'd seen over the past month. I'd been responsible for that. My conflicting thoughts about how it was done aside…I'd inspired someone to change for the better. And not just anyone. I'd changed the one person in Asgard no one had thought ever would.
My suffering gave Loki a second chance at life. Perhaps if I try hard enough, I can find one for myself as well, I bade myself determinedly as I left the tower.