Chapter 35 – Losing Control

Kas smiled as she went down the stairs into the dining room two days after Christmas; James' dad had had to go out to work early but his mum had stayed behind to make sure they were all up and ok before heading off to work herself, as they were both Aurors they had their work cut out trying to keep Voldemort and his supporters under control. She walked into the dining room to find Lucy Potter sat at the table finishing her breakfast with Maddy helping herself to some toast; obviously the two boys were still asleep. She sat down opposite Maddy.

'Morning' she said cheerfully.

'Morning Kas' Maddy said sleepily as she spread jam over her toast. Lucy Potter looked up and smiled at Kas.

'Morning Kas' she said, 'Oh a letter came for you today. Here you go; it looks like one of your friends has replied to your letter.'

Kas smiled and took the envelope from James' mum and looked down at the writing on the front as Lucy returned to her breakfast. Her face turned whiter than the snow outside in under five seconds and her hand shook slightly. Maddy looked at her with a slight frown.

'Are you feeling ok Kas? You look really white' Maddy said. Lucy Potter looked up worriedly. Kas nodded.

'Yeah, just a headache. Maybe I should go lie down' she said and left the room hurriedly. She walked back up to her room and locked the door. She took a deep breath and then leant back on the door, one hand still resting on the door handle. She walked over to the window and sat on the windowsill and closed her eyes. Why now? Why did he have to contact her now? Why couldn't he leave her alone for the one time she was free of him? She looked back down at the envelope in her hand and turned it over; she broke the seal and took out the parchment inside. She read the letter a few times and then let the parchment and envelope fall into her lap as she looked out of the window again. The garden was covered in a thick layer of snow and she could see the hoops of James' replica Quidditch pitch standing out against the white. At the end of the garden was the wood where she had walked so many times before. Kas closed her eyes and let her head rest against the cool glass of the window, soon she had fallen into a light, troubled sleep.

James and Sirius walked into the dining room together and sat down opposite Maddy at the table.

'Is Kas up yet?' James asked his mother as he and Sirius helped themselves to breakfast. Lucy Potter looked up from her newspaper.

'Yes, she said she wasn't feeling too well' she said; Maddy looked up.

'It seemed to have something to do with that letter. She went really white when she saw who it was from' she said. James raised his eyebrows at Sirius and turned to his mother.

'Do you know who it was from?' he asked. Lucy Potter shook her head.

'It didn't say as far as I could see, but by the way she acted I think Kas knew exactly who it was from' she said, after a moments pause, 'It didn't look like it was from anyone who'd sent a letter before this holiday, and the owl looked as if it was from a post office and not someone's own one.'

James and Sirius exchanged quick glances.

'Where is she, did she say where she went?' Sirius asked.

'Yes, she went back up to her room. Don't go bothering her I think she wants to be alone for a bit' Lucy Potter said before folding up her paper and standing up. 'I better get to work, your father and I probably won't be back until tomorrow so don't stay up too late and don't destroy the house while we're out.'

James smiled at his mother, 'We'll be good mum, promise.'

Lucy Potter laughed, 'You better look after your sister or it's your heads on a silver platter I'll be serving at the next dinner your father and I hold.'

Sirius laughed. 'We'll look after Maddy'

Lucy Potter smiled at her children and Sirius and then left the room and disappeared with a small crack. James looked at Sirius as Maddy watched them leave their food untouched.

'Do you think we should go and check on Kas? If the letter was from her guardian something could be wrong' James suggested, Sirius nodded and the two boys stood up to leave.

'Oh no you don't' Maddy said, 'Mum told you to leave her alone.'

James sighed, 'You'd tell mum if we went up to her room wouldn't you?'

Maddy smiled and looked triumphant, 'Yes, now you leave her alone!'

'Ok, ok!' James said, holding up his hands in surrender, 'but if she hasn't come down by dinner time will you let us go up and check on her without telling mum?'

Maddy nodded and James and Sirius walked outside to spend the day flying around on their brooms, Maddy joining in for a few hours before heading inside to go to her room.

A few hours later and there was a knock on Kas' door, she opened her eyes and looked at the door without saying anything.

'Kas? You ok?' it was James. She heard him sigh after a few minutes of silence.

'Dinner's on the table if you're hungry. You know you can talk to us if you want.'

She heard him walk away and she looked down at the letter in her lap. She put the parchment back in the envelope and stood up. She knew exactly what she had to do.

An hour later and Maddy had gone to bed leaving James and Sirius playing a game of chess in the library.

'Do you think we should go and check on Kas again?' James asked, Sirius looked up and nodded.

'Give her a little more time, then we can try and get into her room. I think whatever was in that letter wasn't good news' he replied. James nodded and the two boys went back to their game, aiming to finish it before they went upstairs to check on Kas.

Kas sat on the windowsill with her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms rested on her knees and the letter was tucked between her body and the window. She watched the blood seep down her pale forearms; she let the tears fall freely down her face to mingle with the blood as it made its way down her skin to pool into her lap. The soft glow from the dying fire was the only light in the otherwise dark room; casting flickering shadows over her pale, tear streaked face and the walls of her room. He'd taken her freedom from her and had stolen her soul, ripping them both to shreds and leaving her stripped of everything but her body and her mind. Mike had taken away the freedom that only Hogwarts could give her and he was slowly poisoning her mind, trying to take even her body away from her whenever he could. She'd been ripped apart by the two men and now she was left to rot away in the dark recesses of her mind.

She wouldn't be able to see the pups grow up, her pups, she'd never run with the pack again; she wouldn't see her friends… the Florettes, the Marauders… Lily… Remus… James… Sirius… No. She would see them, only from a place where she would be free again.

She heard a soft knock at the door; she stayed still and silent but kept her gaze on the door as someone tried to open it.

'Kas?' they called; she was slipping into darkness and the voice could hardly penetrate the fog around her, seeping into her brain.

'Kas! Open the door!'

There was a pounding from somewhere; was it the door, or was that the beating of her own heart? The ebony expanse was a welcome relief to fall into, away from the world that delighted in tearing her apart, and she slipped into it feeling as though she'd finally found peace.

The door crashed open and Sirius looked in, his black hair falling into his dark eyes. He took one look at the figure slumped against the window and ran into the dark room. He took hold of her shoulders and pulled her away from the window to get a look at her face. Kas' head fell back as her body left its resting place against the window, some of her hair falling across her pale face. Sirius placed his hand on the back of her head and supported it; her skin was white and her body felt like a dead weight. He felt something on his arm and looked down; blood was seeping from the cut on Kas' wrists and was falling down her arm to drip onto his. It took a mere second for what he was seeing to register.

'James!' he yelled, picking the limp body up bridal style and carrying it into the bathroom. It took a few seconds for the sound of James' footsteps to be heard running along the corridor; when he arrived in the room, panting, and he saw Kas' body he ran back out and down the stairs to the kitchen. He threw open a cupboard and took out his parents' emergency medical kit and returned as fast as his legs could carry him to Kas' room.

Sirius was still holding Kas as he knelt on the floor with a towel over her wrists trying to slow the blood flow; he was cradling her to his chest as though if he let her go she'd die in front of him. James walked over and put the medical kit down on the floor between them.

'We better close the door in case Maddy comes out, she probably wouldn't want to see this' Sirius said quietly; James looked at his friend worriedly, something about the way Sirius was acting was odd to say the least. Knowing better than to question him now James stood up and closed the bedroom door before he took out one of the potions from the small box and smeared some of the thick substance over the cuts on Kas' wrists. The cuts started to seal up in front of their eyes and soon they had sealed up completely without scarring. James took out some bandages and wrapped them around her wrists.

'Why are you bandaging them if they've sealed up?' Sirius asked him.

'Because the cuts will sometimes reopen a few times, something to do with the healing process; Mum explained it all to me when she thought I was old enough to know how to use it just in case' James answered as he finished dressing Kas' wrists. 'We better put her on the bed and stay with her until she wakes up.'

Sirius nodded agreement and picked up Kas' body again, carrying her over to the bed as James pulled back the covers. Placing her on the bed the two boys pulled the covers back over her and settled into two chairs to sit and wait.

'Reminds you a bit of when Remus has had a rough night, doesn't it?' James said gloomily, looking around the room. His gaze fell on the envelope on the windowsill; he stood and walked over, picking it up and bringing it back to the bedside.

'This should explain a lot' he said and opened the envelope, taking out the parchment and reading it quietly to Sirius, who sat on the opposite side of the bed.

'Larkasia,

I have received information that you are not staying at Hogwarts as you were instructed to but that you have gone to visit some of your so called friends. I have told you time and time again not to defy my orders Larkasia, this is one time too many. I shall be waiting for you at Kings Cross Station when you are to return to Hogwarts to give you a bit of advise as regards my orders and my wishes. When you return here at Easter you shall pay for this disobedience and you shall learn to be obedient in future. Obviously the previous lessons, especially after the visit to the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black where your behaviour was disgraceful to say the least, have not sunk in. If you are not careful Larkasia it shall not only be you that suffers for your disobedience; it is not out of my power to summon the wild creatures you seem to love so much to this house to remind you why you should obey me.

I have also received information that you are friendly with blood traitors and mudbloods; I have told you to be careful Larkasia and you are stretching my patience beyond its limit. You are to change your choice of friends and how you behave or I shall be forced to take drastic action. After your behaviour at the House of Black I suppose you have guessed the reason behind this arranged marriage; I tell you now Larkasia I do not have to make a murder look like an accident for me to gain the money that should be mine as your guardian; all I have to do is make it look like I didn't murder you. Trust me Larkasia that is not too difficult.

I hope you shall read this letter carefully, and remember if any of this gets out it shall be within my power to take drastic measures.

Your guardian,

Edward Harstone.'

The two boys looked at the letter with shock on their faces.

'Why is he doing this?' James asked, looking up at Sirius, 'Why can he want Kas' inheritance? Why is it so important he gets it?'

Sirius looked as if he was in another world and didn't answer James' questions.

'Sirius?' James asked, standing up and going over to his friend; he put a hand on Sirius' shoulder and Sirius jumped slightly.

'Sirius what's wrong? Talk to me' James told him walking to stand in front of Sirius. Sirius wouldn't meet his gaze.

'I don't know what it is, James' Sirius answered, 'Something just doesn't feel right. Every time he's mentioned I just get this feeling that there's a reason behind this that we're missing.'

'We need to find out why he wants that inheritance so much' James said quietly, he turned to look at Kas' sleeping form. 'There's obviously something more than money in that inheritance, or some reason as to why he wants that money. He knows she's not got people looking out for her; she's right under Albus Dumbledore's nose for most of the year for Merlin's sake!'

For a few minutes the two boys sat in silence; Sirius seemed to be staring into a world that only he could see and James was thinking about the letter. What was in that inheritance that Harstone wanted so much? Finally James returned to his seat and the two boys took it in turns to sleep and watch Kas that night, just in case she woke up.

Sunlight was streaming into the kitchen where the red haired woman was washing up, a small boy with black hair stood by her side with a piece of cake in his hand.

'Mum, where's Dad? Is he practising? Can I go watch?' the small boy asked rapidly. The woman laughed and looked down at her young son.

'You know you're not allowed to watch him when he's practising. You wait till he gets in then you can bombard him with questions, heaven knows you ask him enough. Go find your sister and you two can set up the table for dinner' she said.

'I'm here Mum' came a voice from the doorway. A young girl with reddy-brown hair and a pair of blue-grey eyes stood in a doorway and came running up to the two people.

'I wanna go outside and play' the small boy said in a whining voice.

'Alright you two, out you go then; but don't you dare bother your father!'

The two children ran outside into the garden and their mother stood at the sink smiling.

The light was so blinding when she first opened her eyes that Kas had to close them and blink a few times before she could focus on anything; she looked to her left and saw Sirius asleep in a chair; on her right was James, sitting in a chair and looking straight at her. The events of last night, as far as she could remember them, came flooding back.

'What happened?' she asked quietly, sitting up.

'You tried to kill yourself, and if Sirius hadn't of bashed the door down you would have succeeded. Why didn't you talk to us Kas?' he asked her. Kas looked at the covers.

'It would have killed you if I had' she answered. James stood up and sat on the bed; after a few minutes he sighed.

'Kas I don't think you realise just how much we all care about you. We don't care about the risks we just want you to be safe' he said; Kas wiped away a few tears that were starting to fall. James leaned over and wrapped his arms around her.

'It's ok, we'll do all we can to help you. I promise' he said.

'Thank you' she murmured into his shoulder. After a few minutes they broke apart and Kas went into the bathroom; James waited for a few minutes before he woke Sirius and the two boys waited for her to get back. When Kas was sat back on the bed James asked the question they both wanted to know the answer to:

'Why did you do it Kas?' James asked; Kas looked away before answering.

'While I'm alive he can hurt any of you… I don't want that, I thought you'd all be safe if I wasn't here. It's just all so complicated now... I can hardly get through each day without worrying about where he is, what he's doing, what he's going to do. On top of that I'm worried about Lily whenever she'd with Ben as well.'

She paused and looked up, 'I didn't want her to do what I was doing, I wanted her to stay out of it; I wanted them all to have the chance to not worry about them, but Lily came with me and when Ben asked her… sometimes I think she was planning to do something similar before we even got to the common room.'

'What about the wolves?' Sirius asked. Kas looked at him.

'I want them to be free without having any added danger; its dangerous living in the wild, to add Harstone to it is like signing a death warrant. It's not just the four she-wolves that grew up with me; it's the two males that they've found. Their pups should have the chance to grow up without having to worry about Harstone hunting them down, and if he killed my pups I don't know what I'd do; I've left them with the pack while I'm at Hogwarts but…' Kas paused to wipe a tear away, 'I wanted to raise them myself, more than anything I wanted to teach them how to hunt and the songs of the pack. Instead I came back to Hogwarts, and I left them while they were still tiny pups. They've been growing slower than normal pups because of the human part of me, but I still wanted to be there to watch them grow. I haven't seen them in over a year now... I don't even know if they're still alive…'

There was a few moments silence.

'Your pups?' Sirius asked, Kas looked up and covered her mouth, realising what she'd just said. She hung her head.

'It wasn't supposed to happen; I was too young even for a wolf. I had them before third year; it never showed when I was a human because I hid it with simple spells' she said quietly.

A/N: So now we all know a little more about Kas' past. Yes I know it's odd, flame me if you want I don't care I'll use them to toast marshmallows on tonight; I might even be able to keep some for when its cold… hmm… you know you guys can flame me if you want, I quite fancy some marshmallows now, lol.

I hope you all liked that chapter and sorry it took so long to write, bloody teachers kept piling on the work so I've had little time to write. Please review I'd like to know what you all think about the events in this chapter.

Ciao for now

Starsword