It's been a week since the horrifyingly charming trip to Litchfield and one week since I've last seen Piper.
I've had time to slow down, time to think, time to relax and time to talk with Tom. Maybe I've exaggerated. Maybe I've said too much. Maybe not.
But that's it. This is my life right now. And my life is made of all my choices.
In the end, I think I've done the right thing. Finally everything is out there and there's nothing more to say. This is liberating, but in a way uncomfortable, because now there's nothing else linking us. Even when I didn't want to see her anymore, she was present. There was always something unsaid. Something still united us, even if we would never see each other again. I never thought that I would be feeling like this. But now that I'm living it, the feeling is strange. If we're going to ignore each other now, it's because we decide to do so. Without misunderstandings or resentments.
I'm heading to Nicky right now to help her with the club and I'm pretty sure Piper is going to be there. I'm curious. A little tense at the idea, but in a way also... fine?
I've read all the letters she sent me the other day while Sandy was at work. I probably shouldn't have. That's probably why I'm feeling like this.
I open the door. Thank God now there's a door.
"Food is here!" I yell as soon as I enter the club that now looks a lot more like a wannabe club and less like a dumpster.
I look around, searching for a sign of life but I'm suddenly engulfed by a pair of arms squeezing me from behind.
"Oh, Vause, my savior!" Nicky says dramatically without loosening her grip on me. It's not something that we usually do. Hugging, I mean. We're not very physical with each other. Only when there's something big going on or when one of us is going through some sort of crisis. I hope This is not the case.
I'm trapped in her arms and I can't hug her back since I've got my hands occupied by two grocery bags. It doesn't look like she wants to break the hug anytime soon. What's wrong with her?
"Is everything all right Nichols? You're freaking me out…" I say to the empty room since she's behind me and her face is in my hair.
She finally loosens the grip.
"I'm fucking ruined" She just says. When I turn around she's already halfway to her office room, so I follow her.
I enter the room that is supposed to be her office. It's empty now. Except for a table, a freezer, four chairs, a neon light and a very distressed Piper Chapman.
But she always looks good.
Nicky is looking for something inside the freezer.
I look at Piper, confused. She looks at me and mutters a 'Thank god'. I guess it's a good start. I reply with a "Hi" and I put the two grocery bags on the table. Piper is up in less than a second and she helps me taking everything out. She is clearly very eager to do something.
Nicky sits loudly on a chair with a bottle of water and sighs noisily while I'm dividing the hosomaki from the uramaki.
I look at her with a raised eyebrow. She looks back at me and she sighs again.
"I'm screwed" she says, again, exaggerating every facial expression.
"She's not screwed" replies Piper.
I roll my eyes, trusting Piper on this one.
"What happened?" I ask.
"A disaster of gargantuan proportion. Something so big that could be seen from the moon, if only we really went there…fucking NASA…" she opens the bottle and takes a sip of water.
I look at Piper for answers.
"The Russian contortionists have cancelled…" she says rolling her eyes.
I can't help but laugh.
"Fuck off Nichols" I tell her while, with the corner of my eyes, I see Piper nodding and smiling.
"Judas! You don't get it! It was perfect, perfect! Classy, lesbian and Russian! I've worked my ass off to move all the dirt because Nate didn't want to pay for them and…now what? I've lost my main act, I won't fuck two wild contortionists and I've gained three pounds on horrible arm muscles. Now tell me what can I do with these?" She shows off her biceps.
"Great sessions of masturbation…" I reply, causing Piper to burst into laughter and Nicky to throw me her water bottle. I catch it with ease.
"You're not funny Vause, not funny at all…"
"Come on. You cannot be this crazy just for this. You're gonna find a solution. We're going to help you, right?" I automatically turn in Piper's direction. Maybe I shoudn't have assumed that she would be willing to back me up on this, but, I don't know…
"Yeees" she replies with enthusiasm. "That's exactly what I've been trying to tell her in the last couple of long long hours!"
Ok. Piper looks not bothered by my presence. She looks definitely less fake than usual. Good.
"I don't like you. Either of you" Nicky says obviously without meaning it.
"Then it's a good thing that I don't care. Now sit, relax and eat. I've brought you sushi, to go with your Japanese beer. When was the last time you ate something?" I ask.
"I don't know…yesterday?" she mumbles.
"See? Everything will be better once your stomach is full and there's alcohol in you. Speaking of which…"
I turn around to look for the bottle opener but I find Piper with one on her hand, ready to give it to me. She has already set the table. We're definitely working on the same page today.
I pour half a bottle on Nicky's glass and half a bottle on mine. Then I reach for the grocery bag with the drinks and I take out Piper's favorite beer. I know she doesn't like the Japanese one, so when I went to the shop I automatically bought her the one I know she loves.
I feel her looking at me and at the bottle. I don't want to make a fuss about it, so I just open it and pour it in her glass.
"Thanks Alex" she says.
I just smile back. It's so strange to be called Alex by her, I don't know why, but I'm aware each time she does it.
I sit on my chair.
"Cheers" Piper says raising her glass. "Cheers" I reply.
"There's nothing to cheer about" says Nicky with her grumpy face.
"Shut up" Piper says taking a sip and then standing up to go to an old stereo in a corner and turning it on. "You're lucky I know you're stressed… and I love sushi… otherwise I would be in Congo by now" she adds with a smile. "The only cd here is Best hits of the 90s, so this is what you get, Junkie Spice Girl…" Piper says while petting the head of a defeated but smiling Nicky who's giving the finger to Piper, to me and to the universe.
I'm smiling too when the first notes of 'Baby One More Time' fill the room.
"To 'Between the bars'" says Piper pompously "The greatest lesbian underground alternative freaky club of the universe…minus the Russian contortionists"
We all laugh.
"I'll cheer to that" I add.
"I liked you better when you weren't talking to each other" says a less grumpy Nicky.
"I'll cheer also to that" I reply.
"Ditto" says Piper clinking her glass with mine.
The smile we exchange seems genuine.
"Can we please eat now? I'm starving" says Nicky.
"As you wish, boss!" I reply.
And we start eating and drinking and soon the atmosphere is way more relaxed and comfortable.
We almost look like a real group of old friends. I can live with that.
When we're almost done and there's more than one bottle of beer in each of our bodies, I decide to start the conversation that needs to happen.
"So, now that you look like a normal human being, or better, the closest thing to a normal human being you can be, can you tell me what the hell was happening when I arrived?"
Nicky looks at Piper who smiles sweetly and, with a movement of her hands, incites her to talk to me.
Nicky starts.
"We're late. We only have one week left and we're late. I practically live here and I have all my friends helping out, but I don't know if we're going to be ready in time for the opening…"
Ok, so this could be serious. I immediately get into business mode.
"Define late"
"The booze license will arrive on the day of the opening. Or so we hope"
"Fuck" I say.
"Yeah, fuck. And this is only one of the many things that are going wrong… those fucking contortionists are just the cherry on top of the shit cake" She puts her hands on her face and her elbows on the table. Piper is ready to put a calming hand on her shoulder.
"Nicky Nichols. Don't be a fucking whiny mess…" I immediately turn my head in Piper's direction. These are not the words I was expecting to hear coming out of her mouth.
"… you're better than this. You've been through worse. Way worse. Some fucking NYSLA bureaucrat won't ruin your dream. Fuck him and fuck everyone else. You can have a great opening even without booze. Or you can get one of those special temporary permit…"
"I can't get shit. I have a criminal record…"
"But not Nate. He can ask for one of them! Come on…just focus on what you can solve. We'll work everything out. Just one small step at a time. I can leave Polly alone for a week and move in here with you… Martha can come too when she's done with the exhibition…"
Piper keeps talking but I've disconnected my brain the second I've heard the words 'NYSLA bureaucrat' because one of them, a really important one, is Jeff Schmitt, one of my dearest client who's about to receive a phone call.
"Where are you going, bitch?" Nicky asks me as soon as she sees me heading out of the room. I just raise my hand. I'm already dialing.
I come back after three minutes and I sit down.
Nicky and Piper are looking at me, puzzled. I take one open bottle of beer and I pour myself another glass. I'm taking my time because I'm enjoying too much this sensation, this power.
"I've just talk to the NYSLA chief supervisor. You're going to have your license tomorrow…what's next?" I say with a proud grin on my face.
"Whaaaaaaaat? Bitch!"
The next few minutes are spent cheering, drinking and thanking me Seeing the relief in Nicky's face is priceless and Piper has a permanent drunken smile on her face that is so lovely that I…
No.
Not going there.
"So, what's next?" I ask instead.
"The interior designer can't find the shelves of the exact measurement that we need…" Nicky says. And this time is Piper who answers.
"I know a guy. He's a great craftsman. He can personalize almost everything and he's fast. He worked for us at PoPi. I'm going to call him first thing tomorrow, but I'm sure he'll do whatever I'll ask him to…"
"Good girl…" I can't help but say.
And we go on like this for almost an hour. Writing lists of things to do and prioritizing. And drinking.
Me and Nicky are almost wasted. Piper has stopped at some point because she has to drive back home. Thank god for my metro card.
Nicky is way more relaxed and less worried and the conversation has taken a more informal turn…
"I really wanted to fuck those contortionists…"
We all laugh. "Stop it Nicky…you already told us this like a million times…" Piper jokes.
"But they were for Red too. Now what can I do that is special? She's a special lady... and she's Russian…and I'm not getting laid in forever…"
"We know that too…" I say.
"What about Russian roulette?" Nicky says "But instead of a bullet we're going to put a shot of vodka inside the gun!"
"How can you put a liquid inside a gun? Not to mention the fact that bringing a gun, even if fake, at a party full of ex cons is not the best idea ever… " Piper tries to talk some sense into her. But to no avail.
"What if we put Russian salad inside? Is it better?" Says Nicky.
We all end up laughing so much that we almost cry.
"Come on! There's got to be something Russian that we can use… let's brainstorm, girls!"
I take a look at the clock. Time has disappeared. It's almost midnight.
"As much as I want to stay here, I need to catch the last metro to go home…" I say.
If I'm being honest, I'd really like to stay here. But I have to go.
"Nooooooo Specs! Don't go…we're having fun… finally…" I let the 'finally' slips.
"Nicky… you know I love you, but I don't want to sleep here…" I reply.
"I can give you a lift, if you want" says Piper next to me, catching me off guard. I wasn't expecting this.
I… don't know what to say.
"Yes! Yes! Yes! Vause is staying. See? Another problem solved!" cheers Nicky. I'm still looking at Piper. Alcohol has glued my tongue.
"Thanks but…I don't want to go back too late…" this is my way of giving a way out to Piper and to myself.
Piper is opening her mouth to speak, but I'll never know what she was going to say because Nicky speaks again before everyone else.
"Nonsense! You're both going to stay here another hour. Just another hour… By 2 you're going to be in bed, sleeping and hugging your favorite stuffed toy…"
I look at Piper. I don't know what I am supposed to say. Did she ask because she wanted to or because that's what she was supposed to do?
I guess I'll never know, because I don't think Nicky is leaving us that much of a choice. But she's almost smiling at me.
So I sit back.
Nicky has a big smile on her face. Piper seems resigned, but happy.
"So…." She starts "…anything Russian coming into your mind?"
And so we start… I think she should hire some contortionists even if they're not from Mother Russia. Piper agrees with me. Nicky totally doesn't.
"If it's not from Russia, I don't want it. I want to taste ice, fear and communism…"
"Oh dear God…" says Piper putting a hand on her face "...you're so offensive in so many ways…"
"Hey! I'm a spoiled-rich-junkie-white-jewish-ex-con-brat, I' a walking joke, the worst of all, I can say whatever I want!" she replies, slurring her words.
"Well, maybe not in public" I say. Piper agrees with me with a laugh.
"Augh. You're no fun. Not even you, Vause. I knew Chapman was boring, but you? Such a delusion…"
I laugh because Piper is slapping Nicky's shoulder while I shrug.
This is officially one of the best nights I've had since I've moved here in New York. God, probably one of the best since I'm out of prison. And it's incredible to think that Piper is here. Who would have guessed…
"Is it too much to ask? I just want some east Europe porcelain skin, long legs, thighs that could crush a giant to death, but with elegance… is it possible that you don't know, and by 'don't know' I mean 'haven't fucked' someone like this?"
The question is directed at me, because, well, I've always been a great player and New York City was like my favorite playground. But that was ages ago. I don't think I can help Nicky this time, those times are gone. I'm monogamous now, with one small terrible exception, of course.
I shrug with an I'm-sorry face.
"Why don't you ask me?" Piper says with a challenging face to Nicky.
"Whaaaaat? You, Blondie?" Nicky turns in Piper's direction, totally incredulous and sarcastic.
I look at them, probably with the same expression.
"Yes, me…" she replies even more proudly.
Nicky laughs very loud.
"I know everything about you, girl…every dirty detail…and you don't have any…"
"Oooh, really? Let's bet…" Piper is too sure of herself and too sober to be bluffing. I'll admit, I'm really curious.
"I'm in! What are we betting?" Nicky falls into Piper's trap so easily. If it's a trap, of course.
"If I win, you're going to help me with the PoPi's inventory next month" Piper says.
Nicky makes a disgusted face. "And if I win?"
Piper shrugs. So sure of herself. God when she's like this I just…
"If I win you'll have to come to the inauguration wearing that slutty maid costume you wore two Halloweens ago…" Nicky says determined. Piper laughs.
"You're not letting that go, ah?"
"You were hot Chapman. Even for my standards…" Nicky earns another slap on her shoulder by a smiling Piper. I'm smiling too, until Nicky turns in my direction to say "I'll show you later…" And my smile becomes something way more embarrassing and anxious and my eyes go everywhere but not at the two human beings at my table. I just hope everyone is too drunk to see my discomfort.
"So, do we have a deal?" Nicky asks again, breaking the tension and extending her hand towards Piper.
"Of course" replies Piper, shaking Nicky's hand with the smile of a cat that has just captured a bird.
My money is definitely on her.
"You know the rules…tell me where, when, who, what and how. And give me the receipts" Nicky slurs out, so proud of herself. She's slurring out especially the word 'how' that sounds a lot like a 'meow'. I can't imagine what it will be for her tomorrow, hangovered and surrounded by drill sounds.
Piper starts with a very satisfied grin.
"Three years ago… it was winter time, YOU were with me and YOU brought me to that place in downtown Brooklyn, the one with all the heads on display…"
Nicky just makes a confused face.
"Come on! It was the one that looked like a museum…the one with all the heads…fake heads! It was called Palace of something or Museum of something…"
"House of wax?" I try to help.
"Yes Alex! Thank you! That's it…" she touches my arm and I almost spill the beer. Luckily she's just looking at Nicky, who's looking at me. I look back at her. I don't think I like her face.
"Yeah! The house of wax! I do remember that… we went with Kyle and his two friends. And then you…" In a secondo her face falls and she turns in Piper's direction "…oh fuck".
Piper's face says it all. Nicky has just lost.
I want to resist. I want to resist so badly, but I just can't.
"What happened?" I ask Nicky. Asking Piper would be too much.
"This bitch picked up a hot piece of ass at the bar… and left for a few hours… that girl was mine…you whore!" Nicky blurts out.
Piper? Picked up a girl? In a bar? Did she have sex with her? Where? In a house? In a car? In an alley? I can't stop the thoughts. The thoughts are both absurd and disturbing.
They are both laughing so much for things that I don't know and understand. I feel left out.
"Get ready for the inventory, bitch" Piper says.
"Wait a second…you still haven't won. How can this help me and the club you're resting your ass in right now? She was not Russian…her name was Nina or something…" replies Nicky, sure of herself.
"Nina is a Russian name, you genius. She was born in Moscow and she went to the fucking Bolshoi Ballet! I ran into her a few months ago and we went out for coffee. She has a dance school now in the Upper East Side…"
I don't know why the thought of Piper having a one night stand with a ballerina is so disturbing to me. I don't think she was with Martha at the time, she wasn't cheating. And I'm literally the last person on earth who should be worried about this. I don't even listen to what Piper and Nicky are saying. My mind is stuck at 60 seconds ago.
"…and why didn't you fucking tell me this before?" Nicky asks with her eyes bigger than her head.
"I just…I didn't think… well… I didn't remember…" Piper tries to justify herself.
They are always laughing and smiling. I still feel left out.
"How come you remember that time you were in Florida for two days and I forgot to water your plants and you don't remember that only time you've picked up someone in a bar who happened to look like a fucking model slash spy?"
"Spy?" Piper asks perplexed.
"Spies are hot! And now that I know that she's Russian I've already got some vivid adult movies playing in my head… she was supposed to be mine!" Nicky says faking annoyance.
"But she chose me" it's Piper's reply that comes with a wink.
"Fucking bitch… do you have her number?" Nicky asks.
"Of course I do. I'll call her tomorrow, but I can't assure you anything. We're not technically friends…"
"But you went out with her a few months ago…"
"Yes, I did. But it was just a coffee…"
"Does Martha know?"
"Of course she does!"
"So she does know that you had 'coffee' with your ex-lover who happens to be a hot Russian dancer…" she asks perplexed.
"First of all, she was not my lover, just a one-night stand. Second of all, yes, she does, because it was just a coffee, Nicky!"
"A coffee with an individual who had her naked body pressed against yours in a sexual way…"
"Well, I don't see the problem since I'm having a beer right now with two people who fit that description…"
Nicky spits whatever was in her mouth and she laughs so much that she cries.
She even slams her fists on the table. Piper is laughing too. I'm not. I'm smiling, of course, to keep the appearances, but I'm not laughing.
They keep going for a while. Joking and laughing. I've disconnected my brain.
"Hey Vause…everything's good? You seem a little out of it…" Nicky asks after a while.
"Yeah… I'm just tired" I reply. And it is not entirely a lie.
"And I am too… we're leaving Nichols" Piper says.
"Wait! Come on…wait just a little bit more! You still haven't told me all the dirty details of those missing hours…"
I don't want to listen to any dirty details of fucking missing hours. I don't even know what they're talking about anymore.
"I'm going to the bathroom" I excuse myself and I leave.
I just need a few minutes on my own.
Why is this affecting me so much? It was just the last minutes. Before that, I was ok. What happened? I'm probably just tired. I should stop wasting time thinking about useless things. I cannot be jealous of their friendship. Is this what it is?
I splash my face. I look at the rings under my eyes in the mirror…I really need to sleep more.
I look around.
I check my phone. I quickly reply to a Sandy's text.
And, when I think that enough time has passed, I go back.
I understand that something's off the second I step back into the room.
They're not laughing anymore. They're not even smiling.
Piper looks hurt and Nicky looks…sad. I'm not used to see her like this.
What the fuck happened?
"Nicky…" says Piper in a way that breaks my heart. Almost begging.
"I'm really sorry, but…what can I do? I have no choice…please, put yourself in my position… you know how sorry I am…."
Woah. Totally different vibes.
Piper looks at me briefly, like I know something. And then stands up.
"I know…" she says sadly. And starts to leave.
Nicky is up in two seconds and she reaches Piper, hugging her and whispering something in her ear.
Piper nods.
"I'm really sorry" repeats Nicky looking straight into Piper's face.
"I know…I'm sorry too…" replies Piper looking somewhere else.
"Are we ok Blondie?"
"Yeah, of course… just because I need help with that inventory…" Piper says with a smile. The air is slightly cleared. "I'm waiting for you outside" she adds leaving the room, her words addressed at me.
I'm about to reply that she doesn't have to wait for me, that I'm going with her right now, but a glance from Nicky prevents me from doing so and, to be honest, I'm too curious to know what the hell just happened.
When we're alone, I don't waste any time.
"What the hell was that about?" I ask Nicky.
She sits back on the chair resting her head on the table.
"It's about the opening night…" she replies as if I should have understood everything. But I didn't.
She raises her head just to see me perplexed.
"I asked her to find an excuse not to bring Martha…"
What? Is she crazy?
"And why would you do something like that?" I'm almost taking it personally. Martha has to be at the party.
Nicky looks at me like I've grown two heads.
"Because of you, you idiot!"
Oh.
I mean.
Oh.
"Ok. Listen Nicky, I've thought about the awkward Martha is Alex and Alex is Martha situation, but I can always say to Sandy and to the others that Alex is kind of my childhood nickname. We just need to talk to Red, Polly and whoever knows who I am and ask them not to talk to me, or to pretend they didn't met me…you know…in jail… it's not gonna be that hard…"
She is shaking her head.
"No, no, no Alex. This is exactly why I don't want this. Fuck, this is my party, probably the most important day of my life and I want my friends with me…"
"And I will be there, just as Martha Reed!"
"But… I want my REAL friends with me, for fuck's sake. I want my Vause with me. The girl I passed lice to, the girl I've smoked crack with in prison, not the fake 'we-met-at-college-and-we-kept-in-touch' bullshit. I want to be able to call you Alex and I want everyone else to call you Alex not because it's your nickname, but because it's your fucking name! I've invited half Litchfield, some of them probably still think you're dead. I just want a fucking perfect night to be myself and have all my friends around me. Is that too much to ask? And if it means that I have to make terrible choices, I will. Because I like Martha. A lot… But you're my friend, Alex. And you're finally here. And if I have to choose, I will. I already have, actually. And I want Alex Vause…not that fake Martha Reed who never went to prison".
I'm speechless.
"Aren't you fucking tired of being someone else?" she adds after a few seconds.
Her words cut me open. I am Alex Vause. Inside, I've always been Alex Vause. That's what I want to tell her, but I can't. That's what I tell myself every time I have to lie. I've gotten used to Martha Reed, to my fake past. I don't lie about what I am, I just lie about who I was. But what Nicky's telling me has opened up something inside of me. Something strange. For a second I've thought about the reality of going into a place and just being… me. Being called by my name. Being an ex-con. I've never been an ex-con. Not really. I was Martha Reed, and Martha Reed didn't go to prison. I've only been Alex with Nicky. And now Piper. It's fucking strange and I don't know how to feel about it. But I'm feeling. I'm feeling so much.
"Ok" I reply to Nicky. Because she was waiting for me to say something. Ok. But I have to accept that, because of me, a person that I deeply respect won't be there.
"And, of course, Sandy can't come too…"
"Oh… ok" truth to be told, I didn't even think about that.
I've already told Sandy that we're going there together. Now I have to find an excuse. It's going to be challenging, but not impossible.
"Is Piper pissed?" I asked without thinking.
"Not pissed, maybe a little bit, more sad than angry… but she understands…" she replies while I put on my coat.
"I have to go…" I tell Nicky. I'm eager to see Piper, to tell her I'm sorry. Again.
"I wish there was a way…" Nicky says to me.
"I know, me too… call me tomorrow. If you need help I'll stop by again…" I am tempted to say that I'm sorry, but I have to stop to say it every two seconds.
"Thanks… Bye" she replies
I'm already halfway to the door when I change my mind. Fuck everything. Fuck the way I'm used to behave. She loves me, she wants me with her and she's willing to upset some friends to have me. I'm just giving her half-answers and running away just because I have a problem with what she has just said. I walk back and I hug her as hard as I can. I don't let go until I'm sure she gets the message.
"What wat that for?" Nicky says when I finally release her.
I just smile back at her and I blow her a kiss.
"See you tomorrow crazy head!" I tell her.
She smiles back.
"Bye Alex" I can hear her words behind me.
Good.
When I go outside, a gust of cold wind hits my face. I have to squeeze my eyes to find Piper, waiting for me in the cold, on the corner of the street.
She starts walking the second she spots me. I follow her, a few feet behind, enough to prevent me from talking to her, or so I guess.
We reach the car and we step inside. The same feeling I had the first time I entered the car overwhelms me. It smells of my old home, of familiarity long gone, it smells of her.
I'm not letting us going back to the silence of ten days ago. Something happened in this same fucking car and there is no going back from that.
She turns the engine on.
"Nicky told me what you were talking about… I'm really sorry… I tried to tell her that there's a solution, but…"
"There's no solution, Alex. Come on… " her tone is not angry, but definitely not happy.
"I could say that my childhood nickname is Alex…or maybe I could just find a way to leave Sandy at home…" I repeat what I tried to say to Nicky even if I know that it's not possible to do so. But I want her to think that I tried. I tried to make it good.
"Yeah, of course. And what are we going to tell Martha once Big Boo will get drunk and will start joking about all the places where everyone had sex? Do you think we can stop her from telling everyone about us? Martha knows everything about my time at Litchfield. She's not stupid…and now it's too late to tell her who you really are…"
"Yeah…you're right…" I reply sadly.
"The only real solution is for you not to come, but I cannot ask Nicky that"
Oh.
Ouch.
I didn't even think that it was an option.
And that leaves me more hurt and offended that I should be. I feel stupid. I have no right to feel like this, but, yeah, everything would be easier without me. Piper had this thought. Maybe it was her first one. Suddenly the weight of responsibility falls on my shoulders.
I'm already thinking about coming up with an excuse… something credible, so I can stay at home…when I'm interrupted on my thoughts by Piper.
"Don't even think about it…"
It's like she's reading my mind. I turn to look at her, quizzed. She looks at me and I realize that we're not moving, we're still sitting in the parked car and the engine is off.
"It's Nicky's party and she wants you there. Don't you dare let her down…"
"I won't…" I reply after having thought about it for a while. I'm not used at her being so determined.
"Where to?" she asks as she starts the car again.
"What?" I don't understand. I don't understand a lot of things these days. And usually there's always Piper involved.
"Where do you live Alex?" she says a little annoyed.
"Oh…" I reply.
I give her my address.
She puts it in the navigator and the car starts to move.
Our friend, the silence, embraces us again.
I don't like the way she's talking to me right now. Or not talking. It's not my fault. She told me herself that there is nothing that I could do.
"I wish it could be different…" I say.
"Yeah, me too" She replies dryly. She doesn't even ask what I'm referring to. To the fact that Martha won't come to the inauguration, to the fact that she's lying because of me, to the fact that my presence is causing troubles in her life or to the fact that our relationship right now is like this? She is not asking.
It's a little bit annoying.
"Come on, it's not my fault!" I snap once the silence is unbearable again
"I'm not accusing you of anything …"
"Really? You face says otherwise…"
"What do you want from me, Alex? Can I be a little bit upset because my fiancé won't come to our friend's inauguration? Not everything is always about you…"
Woah. Where is all this coming from?
"Hey… I'm just saying that I'm sorry… I do care about Martha, too…"
"Yeah, right…" she replies with sarcasm.
She's upset. She's upset and she told me that it has nothing to do with me... If I had to follow my instincts, I would have answered using mean words. I would have told her that she was the one who fucked me that day. Not the other way around. She did the worst. She didn't care about Martha then. These words would hurt her. They would ignite another angry war between us. And why? Just for my pride? I know she cares for her. And I know I care too.
Assertiveness.
That's the key.
Let's see if I can defuse the bomb.
"Listen Piper. I don't want to get into an argument with you. You know Martha, she's…great. I have the uttermost respect for her. I was just saying that. Nothing else. You have every right to be upset, I just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry that my presence is preventing her to have a night out with her friends…that's all…"
She deflates.
"I know…" there's no trace of animosity right now in her voice. I have to remember to thank Tom the next time I see him. "…but… what can I tell her now? We've already cleared our schedule… she's so happy…"
I feel a sting of guilt somewhere around the liver. For the way this is going and for the thing that I'm about to say.
"Maybe I can help you…" I say.
She squeezes her hands on the steering wheel.
"How?" she asks.
"I can come up with a problem work related, so it won't be your fault" I say as fast as I can.
It looks like the vein in her neck is about to explode.
"This is fucked up" she softly says.
I know what she's thinking. I'm thinking the same thing. This is not like last summer, when we were confused and not lucid. This is a planned lie. And we're both accomplices.
"I know…"
We stay silent for a while. This time we are both thinking about the implication of what I've just said, so it's a good silence.
"What about Sandy?" she asks after a while.
"I'll come up with something…I'm probably going to change the date of the official move from the Chicago home and find a reason for her to be there…"
"You've always been so good at scheming…" she says with a smile, but it feels like an insult. I ignore it.
"I prefer to call it 'problem solving'". I say as she parks the car on a spot close to where I live. She turns off the engine and she looks in my direction.
"I can't come up with anything else, except drugging her…but that's not an option. So….yeah…work your magic…"
Resist. Alex, resist. It's like she's trying to make me angry. To fight with me. But I won't. I can't. I'm not asking her to thank me, even if she should, but not even insult me.
"I think it's better if it's going to be a last minute thing…" I say.
"Yeah, it is…" She answers with same fake laugh as before. And I keep ignoring it. Pretty much.
"Hey! You can still tell her who I really am…" I can't resist throwing this at her. It's not just my fault if we are in this situation. This is not the first time that I give her the green light for starting the shit storm of the millennium.
Her eyes get bigger. At least I got a reaction from her.
"Now it's not the right time" she answers.
What the fuck? The right time? I was pretty sure that it was not an option. Like at all. I was not expecting that. I try to play it cool, pretend that the possibility of it really happening is not freaking me out so much right now.
"Why not?" I ask.
"Because there's the exhibition. If I tell her everything now, you're going to lose the job and I know she needs you. And she probably won't come with me to Nicky's inauguration anyway. So what's the point?"
She has clearly given this a lot of thoughts. It makes sense.
"Will there ever be a right time?" I have to ask.
"I don't know… I hope so… the longer it goes on, the worse it gets…"
I don't know what she means by 'telling her everything'. Just my identity or also what we did? Either cases, it's going to be a disaster for me. The witness protection excuse will not be enough. It's been two years since Kubra's death. Since I'm free to be Alex Vause again. But I've decided against it.
"Can you just…let me know beforehand, in case it'll happen?"
She seems taken aback by my question.
"Of course I will" she says vehemently. Like she can't believe I really asked her that.
"Good" I say smiling.
"Good" she replies with another one.
And I guess this is my signal to exit the car.
"It'll get better…after the exhibition, for sure" I can't stop myself from saying it while I undo my safety belt. After the exhibition there won't be any need to see each other so often.
"I really hope so" she says. "We just have to focus on doing one thing at the time. Starting from Nicky's club…"
I'm confused by her use of the pronoun 'we'.
"I'm not worried about it. Nicky doesn't know just how good she is. And we have the rest of it under control…" I say with my usual confidence and with a deliberate use of the pronoun 'we'.
"Well, I have a very awkward call to make tomorrow morning. I just hope to be just as good as you in the 'problem solving' department" she says with a laugh.
She's talking about the fucking ballerina.
"Don't disappoint me, Chapman" I say with my best fake laugh as I slam the car door shut.
But what I'm really thinking is 'please do'.
A/N: Hi everyone! I'm back-ish. February will be an horrible and busy month for me, but I'll try to update anyway. As always, I really appreciate the fact that you take part of your time to write me something. The fantastic thing about it is that I do recognize your nicknames and I do remember what you said in the past, so it's really really helpful to have those kind of feedback. Sometimes I also think that I recognize some guests by their writing style, but that's another story. LOL. Back to business: I'm glad some of you are still liking where this monster is going! Writing using Alex POV was/is a challenge. I hope I'm not too OOC. This is how I see her and her personality.
As some of you have correctly guessed, in this chapter I've started to address the whole 'Alex real identity' situation. You'll see how I've planned it out.
To all the guests who said that A&P can't be bff. I do agree. They do have as 'almost' clean state. The big pink elephant is going to be in the room and they both soon will (slowly) realize it.
'Troubled' Alex guest, you're also perfectly right on everything else you've said.
B I hope not to let you down. I can tell you that what I have planned, works in my head.
Shem77 and mrs vausemanI don't know if to be honoured or sorry for you J
XOXO