Disclaimer: Everything related to the Twilight saga is the property of Stephanie Meyer. Summit Entertainment owns all the rights to the Twi saga films. I only own writing this story, plot lines and all. No copyright infringement intended.
A/N: This chapter is, admittedly, somewhat shorter than normal. I decided to leave it where it is and continue the other content in the next Edward chapter, and I think you'll see why soon enough when the next update comes.
Hope you guys still enjoy it.
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Chapter 38
~Edward~
Even though the understanding about Lauren was cleared up, I still was no closer to regaining my memory back about the woman I was with while in Seattle. Try as I may, I just couldn't pull the lost memory out from my subconscious. It was highly frustrating.
In fact, my doctor suggested I actually not try so hard to remember, since I was causing myself undue stress. My body was already under a lot of stress because I was pushing myself quite hard with rehab and furthering my recovery. It was no secret I wanted to get myself out of the hospital as soon as possible. It would be the best holiday present.
Even giving me the name of the woman didn't help. I had pushed Emmett and my parents to recall anything about what I'd told them about the woman. They'd finally told me that I'd called her Bella.
So now I had a name to match the beautiful face that constantly haunted me.
Of course, my family stupidly thought that I'd called Lauren, Bella, even though it wasn't remotely close to her name whatsoever. They just figured it was some pet nickname I'd given her. Pfft...I'd soon rather call Lauren, Bitch, before I'd bestow a name like Bella upon her. Lauren was definitely not a thing of beauty for me.
However, I couldn't exactly blame my family or Jasper for the misunderstanding. They just didn't have the whole story and I hadn't exactly been forthcoming about my personal life. It was an easy mistake to make. I also understood why they felt they needed to protect me from the truth.
So, I had a name and a face, but not much more. I couldn't understand why the memory of her was still out of my mind's grasp. However, I couldn't really dwell on this problem, since doing so was becoming detrimental to my recovery. I'd work myself up into such frenzy over why I couldn't remember her that it was causing my blood pressure to rise and my heart to race.
I just had to believe my memory of her would return in due time, whenever my mind was ready. Obviously, I couldn't force my mind to remember.
Regardless of my lack of memory of her, she still plagued my mind constantly just like before. At least, I now knew her as Bella instead of a nameless woman. Although, to be honest, since I couldn't remember, I couldn't really be certain that the face that's been haunting me belonged to Bella. I was just going with the odds that they had to be one in the same and that I wasn't some asshole stringing a bunch of women along.
The search for Bella didn't go anywhere. There were literally tens of thousands of Bella's and similarly named women all over the world. It was daunting. Without anymore to go on, Jasper and I could have spent years combing through every Bella we came across to see if she was the one we were looking for. I didn't have the time nor patience for that. Our only real option of finding her was to recover my memory.
It wasn't as if looking at profile of the first few Bella's we'd come across triggered any recall of her. It was utterly frustrating.
I felt really bad that there was possibly a woman out there who thought I'd cut her out of my life completely because I hadn't communicated with her in all this time. I would have a lot of explaining to do if ever I find her once again. Of course, I had no idea what had gone on between us. We could've very well parted ways before I returned to Portland; however, from the way my family talked, things sounded serious between the two of us.
That led to me to even more questions. Why hadn't she come looking for me and revealed herself? Surely, if we'd had a serious relationship, you would think she'd want some answers as to why I disappeared all of a sudden. I didn't know if she would have ever known about the attempt on my life, since I'd learned of the cover up, but I would've thought that she would be searching for some answers. I know if I was in her position, I'd be trying to find out what went wrong. The fact that she hadn't after all this time was indeed puzzling.
Jasper felt that maybe she didn't bother coming around because she went ahead and accepted the loss of the relationship once I ceased communication. She just moved on with her life. It was a far-fetched theory, but plausible. Most people I knew, including myself, wouldn't just accept things like that and would be searching for answers, demanding an explanation, but who's to say what this Bella was like and how she'd act. The key to who she is was still locked up inside my head.
Since unlocking the memories of Bella and my time with her in Seattle was really going nowhere, I concentrated my efforts on getting myself released from the hospital. I pushed myself to my limits in rehab. Even though it was against the advisement of my doctor and rehab therapist, I put in extra hours in the rehab room on my own in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep, all thanks to a cooperative nurse who was willing to sneak me down there.
It was either that or continue to be idle in my hospital bed. I'd had enough of being stuck in the hospital, so I was for anything that would allow me to get discharged sooner, even if it was painful as heck to be pushing myself so hard.
All the hard work had paid off and in no time at all, I was up a and about walking on my own. Granted, I was walking like an old man, slow and steady, it beat being confined to the bed and a wheelchair. I would only get stronger from there.
Dr. Laurent still didn't feel I was quite strong enough yet to be released in time for Thanksgiving. He chastised me for trying to hurry along my recovery, but found it admirable that I was willing to work so hard to get myself discharged. He just didn't want me to push myself too hard that I actually set myself back. However, he'd told me that the prognosis looked good that I could be home in time for Christmas.
That became my ultimate goal. There was no way in hell I was spending Christmas inside the hospital. I'd rather continue recovering at home. Even if it meant frequent trips back to the hospital for checkups, that was still preferable than being stuck in the hospital for the holidays.
As with anything I'd set my mind to, I was able to accomplish my goal. A couple of weeks into December and just when I was starting to lose hope that I'd never be released in time, Dr. Laurent walked into my room and told me that all looked in order for my discharge and I should be home by the end of the day. He just had to run a few more tests.
Needless to say, I passed the tests and was allowed to go home. Except I didn't exactly have a home anymore. I was going to have to be bunking at my parents house until I am deemed fully recovered, then I'd be free to be on my own again.
I had no idea where I'd go once that time came. Emmett had told me that I'd planned to move to New York with my sweetheart, Bella. I had already asked him to make the arrangements and taken the steps to ship all my things to him, which he'd put most of it in storage for the time being, while bringing some of what he felt would be necessities for me when he came to Chicago after the incident.
He wondered, considering all that's happened, whether moving to New York was still going to be my plan once I was fully recovered and free to leave Chicago. Or maybe staying in Chicago was what I wanted to do. Truthfully, I had no idea. I was completely lost now having no recollection at all of the previous plans that I'd supposedly made with Bella. On the positive side, Emmett had come through with the help I had asked for and if I still wanted to move to New York, I already would have a place and would be well on my way to getting settled there. He'd even found a few job opportunities for me in the city, as well as said he'd always have a place for me at the East Coast division of our family's business if I wanted it.
I couldn't think that far ahead yet. I just wanted to take each day as it came. I'd work on my full recovery and make the most of living with my parents again for the time being.
The great thing was that now it was the holidays, each one of my siblings was home as well. We were like one big, happy, family again. I remembered really missing the family togetherness prior to the incident. Therefore, I was grateful. I wasn't so sure that this holiday season was going to be quite like this if I hadn't been almost killed.
The fact that Jasper was sticking around until after the New Year made things all the better. I'd also missed hanging out with my best friend. Of course, with my still unable to handle more rigorous activities, hanging out basically meant we'd sit and watch movies together, or play video games. It was better than nothing and reminded me of our earlier teen years when that was all we did.
More than that, it gave us a chance to talk. It had been too long since we'd had meaningful conversations and having them face-to-face was definitely better than over the phone or through Skype. I hadn't realized how much I missed the interactions we'd had and having someone to confide my innermost secrets. It was as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when I was able to tell him all I'd gone through during the years I was with Lauren. I'd found holding it all in and carrying the burden all on my own of being in such a terrible relationship was not one of my best choices. I also came to realize that if I had been more open about Lauren to my family, no misunderstandings would have happened regarding my personal life.
Maybe I'd be closer to finding and being with Bella.
With Christmas being one of my parents favorite holidays, it was no surprise that they were hosting a holiday party. This was in addition to the annual company party that they hosts for all the employees. My mother felt the need to celebrate. My life was saved and for the first time in a long time, we were all under one roof. She even wanted to invite a few relatives whom we hadn't seen in awhile as well. The guest list was also made to include longtime family friends.
Not that anyone apart from my immediate family and my each of my parents' assistants knew the real story of what had happened to me. To the rest of them, my family was going to be celebrating being blessed. The specifics didn't matter. Besides, it wasn't like my parents actually needed an excuse to throw a party. My mother lived for throwing parties.
To be fair, she'd ask if I'd thought it would be too much for me to handle. Since only the immediate family really knew of what happened to me, I couldn't exactly act like I'd been through a near-death experience. Although, I must say, I was getting stronger with each day and just by looking at me, one probably couldn't tell that I'd had been shot and laid up in a hospital for a couple of months. I truly had come a long way since that moment when I'd first awoken from the coma I had been in.
I could've said no and my mother would've scrapped the whole idea. She would've been disappointed about it, but it wasn't as if she'd been upset about not being able to throw this party she'd wanted. However, I couldn't really deny my mother her joy of planning the event and going overboard with the holidays. Like I'd said, she lived for that stuff. She enjoyed parties. She wanted to celebrate her family. There was really nothing wrong with that. I couldn't say no.
Like with anything of late, I was just going to have to make the most of it. I supposed it was going to be nice to socially interact with some other people again. In addition, it had really been too long since we'd some of our extended family. It would be nice to catch up. I didn't really know if there would be another opportunity.
Maybe I had a little celebrating of my own to do.
One of the most important things I realized having gone through my near-death experience was that life was really short and precious. We never really knew what was going to happen at any moment of our lives that could change things forever. We could be here one second and then gone the next. Therefore, we needed to seize each day and live it like it was going to be our last. We had to cherish each day and take every opportunity to let the people we loved that we loved them, because another day isn't guaranteed.
I didn't know if and when my family was going to be together like this again. I didn't know where we'd all be after the holidays were done with. I figured that we all should take the advantage of the time we had now.
The party preparations began and the whole house was being transformed into a winter wonderland. My parents weren't sparing any expense. Everyone was getting into the holiday mood. There was an obscene amount of holiday decorating, egg nog drinking, even holiday shopping happening. aturally that was what my mother and sisters looked forward to every , not exactly for me, since I was still in recovery. I did try to help as much as I could where I could, but I wasn't exactly retrieving heavy boxes full of Christmas decorations from the attic.
Naturally, the shopping was what my mother and sisters looked forward to each day. It had become part of their daily schedules, while I remained stuck at home doing online shopping for all the presents I needed to buy. I don't even think they'd even started on buying Christmas presents for others, as they'd each come home each day with loads of bags full of things for themselves. I wondered if maybe they were hiding the gifts somewhere before they came in to show off what they'd bought.
Not that I needed anyone in my family to buy me anything for Christmas. What I wanted and really needed, no one could buy or actually give me. It was up to my mind to give me that gift. All I really wanted for this holiday season was to unlock that bit of memory that still remained elusive.
Admittedly, with all the hecticness of the holidays and my focus being on regaining my strength and achieving a full recovery, the whole business of trying to recall Bella and my time with her was temporarily forgotten. Don't get me wrong, she was always in the back of my mind, but with the search for her literally stalled, everyone felt, including myself, that it was better to just cherish each day as it came and be thankful for all that I did have now and had regained after the incident.
I did think about Bella. I had a lot of questions that needed answers. More than that, I wondered about her life. Like what was she doing now. At this point, she was no more than a stranger to me. I found that very sad considering that I was supposed to be in love with her. I wished that I could even remember the feeling.
I was dying to know who this Bella is.
I wondered a lot about her. I knew that she had to be completely different from Lauren; otherwise, I don't think I would've fallen for her in the first place. Apparently, I had fallen in love with her quickly, so that in itself made me curious.
Since we were in the middle of the holiday season, I wondered what her holidays was going to be like. Or if she even celebrated Christmas? For all I knew, she was Jewish and celebrated Hanukkah. Maybe she wasn't the type to celebrate any sort of holiday at all. It didn't escape me that if life hadn't taken such a drastic turn for us, she probably would've been right here with me celebrating the holidays with my family. Maybe we would've even split our time between my family and hers. I rather liked that idea. Actually, during this time of year, it seemed nice to have a significant other to share the whole magic of the season with.
Everybody else seemed to have someone. My parents had each other and Kate had her husband, Garrett. Irina had long been involved with a man named, Caius, although I'd never had occasion to meet him. I was going to get that chance this Christmas, as he would be making the trip to Chicago. Tanya was dating someone new and he'd also be visiting us in order to meet the family. Emmett thanked me for helping him find his latest girlfriend. She's the real estate agent he'd used to help him find an apartment for me in New York. Even Jasper had become friendly with a nurse he had met at the hospital.
Admittedly, I felt lonely. The fact that bothered me the most was that I could have had someone, if fate hadn't dealt me such a cruel hand. I couldn't help but feel extreme anger for Lauren. She had done this. She was the one that turned my life upside down and caused me to lose someone special. Things might've different between Bella and I if only Lauren hadn't tried to kill me. Although, I really couldn't be sure, but something inside told me that I had something truly magical with Bella.
If she was that forgettable, she wouldn't have been haunting me.
The more I wondered about Bella. I wondered if she was as lonely as I was now that we were apart. I wondered if she was like me and questioned why we had to be apart in the first place.
Apparently, we were trying to move to New York together. That was certainly a big step and a decision I know I wouldn't have made lightly. However, that all fell through. It made me wonder where she was now. Did Bella continue onto New York without me, figuring I had changed my mind? Or what if she stayed where she was because I lost touch with her? I hated to think that I might've been a reason for all her plans getting destroyed.
Damnit, I wish I could just remember.
I wondered if I ever came face-to-face with her again and had a chance to explain my amnesia, what would happen between us. Could we pick up right where we left off? Or has too much happened, too much time loss, that we'd become virtual strangers again?
I don't know why, but it scared me to think that she might've already moved on and that's why she hadn't resurfaced yet. Maybe her feelings weren't as strong as mine and therefore, she didn't need answers as to why things fell apart. I doubted that, but it was a possibility I needed to consider. All I knew was that there was no way I could move on without getting some answers to my questions first.
All these questions killed me. Lots and lots of questions that led to even more questions. I had tons of them with no answers. I needed answers and that was dependant on my regaining my memory.
For some strange reason, even if I really had no recollection of Bella and our relationship at the moment, I still felt the weight of the loss of losing her. That meant something.
I vowed to find Bella. Whoever she is and wherever she was, I wasn't going to stop until I found her and we talked, just as soon as I was able. It was possible that my memory wasn't going to return at all. However, even if I couldn't remember, I still needed answers and she had them. Maybe she would be the one to unlock my lost memory. I looked forward to meeting her. If anything, I could rediscover what we used to have.
End A/N: Well, we now have Edward finally recovered enough to be out of the hospital and he's now back at home. We also have a holiday party coming up. Here's a little spoiler-that party should prove interesting.
-Chapter 39 teaser:
A week before Christmas and where did I find myself, on a plane bound for Chicago. I was probably out of my mind. However, in my defense, Rosalie and Alice were the ones who forced me to take this trip. Like an idiot, I couldn't tell them how insane their plan was and still went along with it.
-Look for me to be a part of these upcoming fandom charity fic compilations, Fandom For Philippines, naturally one close to my heart, and the Christmas Wishes Compilation for the Toys For Tots charity. I'll place more info on my profile & possibly a next update, if I can swing one in time.